01x02 - Lopez vs Anxiety

[bunniefuu]

- Help! Help!

[gags] Intruder!

My big, strong partner
will k*ll you.

And he's white,
so he won't even go to jail.

Ah!

[groans]

- Are you okay?

- No.

It took you over 30 seconds
to respond.

- Are you making a TikTok
about home invasions?

- You know I always worry
about break-ins.

Having a plan calms me.

So just go downstairs,
and when you hear me,

grab a w*apon
and then run back in.

Help! Help!

- Bam!

Hey, bro, stop choking my lady.

She's not even into that.

- A hairbrush?

That's only a w*apon
if you have lice.

- Can you keep it down?

I'm already dealing
with your son

in the top bunk,
who's trying to pick

my nose with his big toe.

- Look, it's our
permanent intruder.

- Hey, I told you guys,
I'm only staying here

till my moving business
gets back on its feet--

five years, tops.

- If you heard me
yelling for help,

why didn't you try to save me?

- You think I can't tell
when somebody's faking it?

I learned a lot
being married to your mom.

- And you never said anything?
- Of course not.

'Cause admitting it would
have meant I had to try harder.

It was fine.

I got mine's, you know?

Good night!

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- Ay, women in these
true crime stories

always fall for a scam artist,
don't they?

It's like their mothers
didn't teach them

how to spot a cochino.

- Beer, game, quiet.

- I'm not sure
your mother taught you

to spot one, either.

- What the hell
are you doing, cochino?

- It's the seventh inning.

You want to know
how your show ends?

It's the way they always end.

She dies,
and the husband did it.

- If you don't give me
that remote, tonight,

the ex-wife is gonna do it.

- You guys aren't even
watching, anyways.

You're on your phone
half the time.

- Sorry, what?

I just got a notification
on my Citizen Alert app.

- Oh, no, what happened?

- Wait a minute.

There's an app that can track
if you're a citizen?

Mayan, do me a favor.
Propose to Oscar.

- He's your best friend
and weed guy.

You marry him.

- He doesn't trust me.

He knows
I'll never be faithful.

You and your life partner,
Quinten,

aren't married, anyways.

You're living in this house
in shame.

- George,
they're not living in shame.

- Thanks, Mom.

- They're living in sin.

- Anyway, the Citizen Alert app
just alerts you

about crimes happening nearby.

Like earlier,
there was a report of a drunk

in a green hoodie
stealing lemons from a yard.

- Not drunk yet.

You know, back in the day,

our Citizens Alert
was Doña Paloma.

She could tell you who got sh*t
and who was cheating,

which is probably why
they got sh*t.

- Speaking of getting sh*t,

did you hear all those
g*nshots last night?

- Yeah, I told Chance
they were fireworks

so that he wouldn't get scared.

- He doesn't know
the difference?

My grandfather
taught me the difference

when I was three years old.

I know g*nf*re like
a rich person knows wine.

Like, that is a 2009...

.45 caliber--wait--

chrome handle.

- Did you hear
about the break-in

a couple of blocks away?
- No. How did I miss that?

- Oh, it was on the Citizen
Alert last Tuesday night.

- Oh, well, that's the night
when Quinten and I are...busy.

Why am I apologizing?

This is a sex-positive house,
okay?

We get biz-ay.

On Tuesdays between "Top Chef"

and "Below Deck Mediterranean."

- Of course,
you two schedule it.

- You used to schedule it,
too, just not with me.

- Oh, my God, I found the post.

The family was home, and they
had to fight the guy off?

I gotta chill out.
That reminds me.

I forgot to take
my pill this morning.

- Uh-oh.

Last time I heard
your mother say that,

I became a father.

- It's not birth control.

I take them for my anxiety.

- Anxiety?
Who told you you had that?

- Uh, science.

A doctor prescribed them
to me years ago.

Before that,
I was in a constant state

of fear and feeling unsafe.

- That's not anxiety.
That's being brown in America.

They don't have
a pill for that.

- Ay, George, leave her alone.

She likes the pills.

- And you're okay with these?
What, is she slipping you some?

- No, I don't take those.
They dull your senses.

I'm not about to get kidnapped
and sex trafficked.

- I don't think there's
a market in sex trafficking

for some viejita with bunions.

- Hey, guys.

- Did you know the mother
of your child is on dr*gs?

- Just a little gummy on
Tuesday nights when we're--

Busy.

- Dad is freaking out
because he just found out

I take anti-anxiety pills.

- Because there's
nothing wrong with you.

Your generation is just looking
for an excuse to take dr*gs.

You're all like, oh, Chastity,
you look so depressed.

Have you tried
microdosing shrooms?

It'll change your life.

- George, my sister,
Chastity, was depressed.

And it did change her life.

- What I'm saying is,
you only need to take pills

if you're a real loca,
like my tía Mimi,

the one that used to talk
to her plants.

- Studies show that
actually helps them grow.

- She didn't own any plants.

- Anti-anxiety medications
are a great coping mechanism.

It's just like this new
vibrating tool I ordered.

- Ay, careful.

You give Mayan one of those,

she's not gonna need you
on Tuesdays.

- We have those,
and we use them on Wednesdays

between "Chicago Med"
and "Chicago Fire."

- Yeah, yeah!

- Yes, sir!

- No, this is a biofeedback
device that you wear.

It vibrates and beeps
when you're anxious

to remind you
to take deep breaths.

- You paid for something
that reminds you to breathe?

If you're worried about safety,

you need to get
a security system.

- We can't afford that.

I mean,
I would have gotten one,

but we had to use our savings
to finish the kitchen

because someone
didn't let me know

about his financial problems.

- They're called boundaries,
Chastity.

Respect them.

- Quinten, let's go see
if this thing works.

You can trigger my anxiety

by trying to explain NFTs
to me again.

- Yes.

- She doesn't feel safe
in this house.

That's not good.

I'm gonna secure
this house myself.

It's not gonna
cost them anything.

- Oh, no, I know your idea
of a security system.

It's doing a chalk outline
of a dead body in the driveway.

- No one wants to be the second
dead body in the driveway.

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- You really think someone
might break in here?

- No.

You know this was
my grandma's house, right?

When I grew up,
it was much more dangerous,

and we never had a problem.

- Really?
- Yep.

Because the Latinos,
we would look after each other.

It's the hipsters now
that are moving in,

coming home with 30 bags
from Target.

They become the target.

- My dad loves Target.

- Yeah, well, good thing
he's not your real dad.

- Yes, he is.

Mommy says you just say that
to mask your own insecurities

since your dad left you.

- Damn.

That cut like a Kn*fe. Up top.

- Where you want
these ADT signs?

- Um, let's put two in the
front and put two in the back.

- I thought we couldn't afford
a security service.

- We don't need the service.
We got the signs.

- What if they don't
believe the signs?

- Nah, no one's
getting in here.

I secured all the windows
and doors.

No one's getting in.

- Is that a challenge?

- It can be.

You don't have
any money to bet.

How about we bet
a little hello?

- A little hey there.

- A little how you doing?

- My son's here.

How about we say goodbye
to the hello?

- Grandpa, can we show Dad

the coolest part
of your system?

- Yeah. Hey, get the lights.

- What? Yes!

Are those
motion-detecting lasers?

- Watch.
I know how to b*at them.

- Okay, Tomasito Cruise.

Oh, what the hell is that?
One got loose.

- Wait, shouldn't they trigger
an alarm or something?

- No, they're just
laser pointers

I taped up around the room
and connected them to a remote.

- What's the point, then,
make all the cats

in the neighborhood go insane?

A-ha.
That's--

I'm sorr--this is ridiculous.

- What's ridiculous is that
Mayan's afraid of a break-in,

and all she's got
to protect her is a man

whose only w*apon is karma.

- Ha! Thank you.

- It's not a compliment.

You don't make your woman
feel safe, bro.

- Oh, I'm pretty sure
she feels safe with me.

I can handle
any kind of intruder.

- Yeah, said the man
wearing a double wrist brace

for carpal tunnel.

- This is preventative.

The Genius Bar is
a physically demanding job.

I wipe p*rn off of at least


And my hand, it hurts.

- p*rn makes my hand hurt too.

- What's the point
of you being here

if you can't step up
like a real man?

If you won't protect
my daughter, then I will.

- Oh, come on.

You didn't.

- This is your new
security system,

built with the finest parts
the 99 Cent Store has to offer.

- You put tape
on my beautiful walls?

This paint is Eva Longoria
for Walmart.

[device buzzing]

- What's that?

It can't be
the smoke detectors.

I got rid of those
useless things

to make room for the lasers.

- It's the biofeedback device
reminding me to breathe.

- Oh, I thought
it was my pager.

And then I was like,
it's not 1992, man.

And then I wished it was 1992.

And then I got sad.

Then--

- Zip it, Leech & Chong.

I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.

- I got this, babe.

I want you guys to get rid
of all this stuff now.

- All right,
we're almost done, anyways.

Hey, Oscar, grab that chalk
and go lay down outside.

I'll trace your dead body.

- Dad, this isn't helping.

If anything,
it's making my anxiety worse.

- No, Mayan, those pills
are making your anxiety worse.

And let's face it, anxiety
is not even a real thing.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, it's like Dracula
or, you know,

global warming,
peanut allergies.

- You know this is
a nut-free household, right?

- Trust me, it's not.

- That's it.

You don't get to say
what's real for me.

You can't tell me
that my feelings aren't valid.

- I think your feelings
are valid about the paint.

What are they,
like, $33 a gallon?

- Okay, so you're just gonna
make light of this

and walk away?

- That's the plan.

- Don't make me look fat, bro.

♪ ♪

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- What are you doing
with my delicates?

That pull-up bar
is my drying rack.

- Not now, Mayan.
I'm in beast mode.

Ah!

- [gasps]

Are you okay?

- [wheezing]

I'm gonna go get
the Shake Weight.

- What is going on?

Why are you working out
at 11:00 p.m.?

- Because, babe, I can't--

I can't rest thinking that
I am not capable

of physically protecting you.

- Oh, you don't have
to worry about that.

I've realized I'm so loud,
the neighbors will just hear

my screams and call the cops.

Isn't that right, Eleanor?

- Okay, so you don't
have any faith in me,

and your dad says I'm not
a man, which is so toxic,

but it still--it hits me
right in the gut,

which then makes me toxic too.

I don't deserve
my Notorious RBG shirt.

- Dad!
- Ah!

Mayan, don't call him
in here, please.

You're gonna make it worse.

- What's wrong?

- You.
You're dismissing my anxiety.

You're destroying my home.

And now you're insulting
Quinten by telling him

he's not a man?

- Well, a real man wouldn't
go snitching to his woman.

- You see? What did I say?

- Mayan, you're just nervous
because you don't think

your man will step up
in a time of crisis

because everything about him
says, "Eek! A mouse!"

- And everything about you
says Vegas buffet.

Leave him out of it.

- Why are you defending him?

You can't sleep comfortably in
your own house because of him.

- I can't sleep comfortably
in my own house because of you.

- What did I do?

- It's what you didn't do.

You weren't home.

Mom and I were alone
in the house,

and I was always worried

something bad was gonna happen.

It gave me so much anxiety.

Every night,
I'd pray that you'd

come back and protect us.

I never felt safe.

And that feeling
has never gone away.

[thumping]

- What was that?
- Not Chance. He's sleeping.

- Oh, my God.
Someone's in the house.

- Stay here.

[whispering] Oh, no.
Okay, come on.

Come on. Come on.

[grunts]
- Ow!

- Call the police!
I got him!

Stay down.

I am messed up in the head,
and I am dangerous

to myself and others.

- Oscar?
- What the hell, dude?

- You bet me I couldn't get
past your security system.

Yet here I am,
hemorrhaging internally.

- I thought
I secured everything.

Wow, man, somebody could have
really broken in.

Something bad could have
happened to Chance.

- Dad, it's okay.
We're all safe.

- No, sorry.
I just--I just gotta sit down.

- How did you get past
all his stuff?

- I didn't.

I never left the house.

But don't tell George.

It'll be our
dirty little secret.

Shh.

- Dad, are you okay?

- I can't--I can't breathe.

- Take a deep breath.

- I just told you
I can't breathe.

What's wrong with your ears,
ta loca?

You trying to k*ll me?
I'm already dying.

♪ ♪

- Okay, breathe in and now out.

- [exhales]

- Better?

So you just had
an anxiety att*ck.

- You know what, Mayan?
Stop being so extra.

I was flushed, I was sweating,
and my heart was racing.

- Those are the exact symptoms
of an anxiety att*ck.

And they happen to me too.

- So it's contagious.
You gave it to me.

- No, you and Mom
gave it to me.

And your parents
gave it to you.

Some people pass down wealth.

We pass down trauma.

- I might have gotten
a little something

passed down
from my grandmother.

You know, when she used to
get mad at me,

man, she used to lock me
in the closet.

That didn't feel great.

- Oh, my God, that's so scary.

- Yeah, it was scary.

And then that's the first time
I remember

getting that same bad feeling
that I just got right now.

- An anxiety att*ck?

- We don't have
to give it a name.

Eventually, I got too big
to fit in the closet.

She started locking me
in the neighbor's closet

because they had a walk-in.

- It's not easy
feeling this way,

but therapy and taking
medication help me manage it.

- I'm sorry that
I wasn't around.

But I thought me not being
around would be better for you

than me being there.

And I didn't want
to be the cause of, uh,

you know, of your--
of your anxiety.

- Thank you.

You acknowledging that
is actually making me

feel really calm right now.

- That's good.

Hey, and if those pills
you take

make you forget what I did,
I'm all for them.

- Oscar is gonna be okay.

His leg's not broken.
It's just a bad bruise.

- Hey, Quinten, way to step up
for your family, man.

- This is gonna sound crazy,
but I actually think

the spirit of RBG
was guiding me.

- And damn, was it sexy.

- I'm sorry, did Monday night
just become Tuesday night?

- Oh, yeah.

- [gags]

Is nausea a symptom of anxiety?

Because I think
I just backed up

some anxiety in my m--
[gags]

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

Just want you to know,
I patched up the walls

and threw away
all the laser pointers.

- I know.

Quinten and I fished them out
to play a little game

called Missionary Impossible.

- [gags]

It needs to be a little more
sex-negative around here.

- Mayan, did you see what just
happened on the Citizen Alert?

- No, I deleted the app.
It was stressing me out.

And now I know
if something does happen,

Quinten's got our back.

- Oh, so now she's too good
for the Citizen Alert.

- [clears throat]
All right, can you stop?

Because you're triggering me.

[breathes heavily]

- So now you have anxiety?

- It comes and goes,

depending on where you are.

Because--if I'm right here,

ay Dios mío, I can't breathe.

And then--

over here...
[inhales]

Much better.

♪ ♪

[bell jingling]

- You rang, for the eighth time
in 20 minutes?

- Yes.

Can I get a different pillow,
please?

Also, this popcorn
needs more salt.

And can you add some Tapatío?

From the packets,

not the bottle.

- When did the doctor say you'd
be back up on your feet again?

- I don't need a doctor.

You see, my pupusa guy

dates the cashier at CVS.

And she really requested
that I stay off of it

for about four weeks.

- And she didn't think
you could stay off of it

on your own couch?

- Might I remind you
that my pupusa guy...

Also caters lawyer conventions?

And he thinks what you did to
me was technically an as*ault.

- I'll get the Tapatío.

- Oscar!

Two pigeons are fighting
to the death over a pupusa.

- For real?
- Come and check it out, man.

Get your chalk!

And that's how you get him
off the couch.

♪ ♪