01x09 - Lopez vs Van Bryan

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat saxophone music]

Wow. This place is so clean.

- I just--I-I want
everything to be perfect

before my dad gets here.

I did the living room,
the kitchen.

I gave Churro a bath.

There's only one mess left
to clean up.

Hey.

Do I got a KitKat wrapper
stuck to my back?

I've been trying to get it
for an hour.

- Get--
- Can one of you guys grab it?

- [grunts]
- Ay, whoa, whoa. Hey.

I haven't licked
the chocolate off yet.

- [grimaces]
- Hey.

[clears throat]
George, why-why don't we, uh--

Why don't we get you a shower,
a fresh shirt,

maybe a clean shave?

- Why you talkin'
like a prost*tute

from the Old West?
[bottle hisses]

- Quinten's dad, Sam,
is gonna be here any minute.

When you meet him,
it'd be nice

if you didn't look like
a movie theater floor.

- Oh, what is that?
A casserole?

[sniffs]

That smells like a hot nothing.

[grunts]

Bland is
my dad's favorite flavor.

- Yeah,
then he must really love you.

♪ ♪

- [knocks at door]
- Oh, oh. Hey, George?

Okay, I got one favor
to ask you.

I really want my dad
to see how well we're doing,

so please
do not make fun of me.

- I'll show you
all the respect you deserve,

Chef White Boyardee.

Okay.

Hey, Daddy!

I must be at the wrong house.

This kid is too big
to be my son.

Ah.

- Aw.
- Oh, so good to see you, dear.

- Oh, I got your text yesterday.
- Mm-hmm.

It was so good to hear

that the Dalmatian
pulled through.

- It did,
but it was spotty for a second.

- [both chuckle]
- I set 'em up...

- And I pun 'em down.
Pew, pew!

[chuckles]
Dream team.

Yeah.

- You know,
maybe being gone ten years

wasn't long enough.

- Wait, wait, wait.
Not so fast.

I wouldn't be Bismarck's

number one
Chevrolet car salesman

if I let people walk away.

I got ya a little gift.

Ah. Mm-hmm.

"World's Best Grandpa."

And I got a matching one
because it takes a village...

Of Grandpas.

Oh. [chuckles]

- Well, that-that shirt's
a little bit awkward

because we're not sure

that you're
Chance's grandfather.

What are you saying?

- George...
- Yeah.

There's a chance that Quinten
might not be Chance's father.

- Look...
- Oh.

- In that boy's eyes,
you are still his father.

- No, Chance is
definitely Quinten's son.

- Yeah. No, this is--
it's just a little inside joke

that George likes to make.

No, I tell it outside too.

- I asked you
not to make fun of me.

- Yes, you did.
And I ignored you.

[chuckles]
Dream team.

[chuckles sarcastically]

♪ ♪

- Son, that casserole
was delicious.

You could barely taste it
at all.

- Ay, thank God I keep
a packet of Tapatío

- in my bra.
- Oh.

- How are you finding
the time to cook

and do your job
at the Apple Store?

- Well, Mayan works late,
so I switched to part-time.

So now I have time
to pick Chance up from school,

tidy up the house,
cook before she gets home.

- You raised a nice wife
for my daughter, Sam.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Uh, I got something
really special for you, champ.

Huh? Ready?

[remote control car whirs]

[both chuckle]

- Wow.
- Sweet!

I love a grandpa
who gives me gifts.

- I got you a keychain
from 7-Eleven.

I don't own keys, fool!

Let's take this baby
for a spin.

Yeah.

[car whirs]

- Wait.
Did you finish your homework?

Don't you have
a poster to make?

Done.

This was five minutes
of my life

I will never get back.

Let me see that.

Ay.

This poster,
it's so messy.

"My name is Chance."

He misspelled his own name?

- No, je just wrote
the "N" backwards.

Why?

Is he trying to get a job
at Toys "R" Us?

You're gonna make him
redo this, right?

No. His grandpa's in town.

And I'm not the homework police
like you.

I'm not the homework police.

I just think you need
to lock him in his room

until he does a better job.

♪ ♪

- Thank you so much
for a lovely evening, fam.

And-and you can put your apron
on a hook, son,

because tomorrow I'm taking
everyone to the Sizzlers!

Yes.

Okay, moneybags.

Well, it's getting late,

so I'm just gonna call a taxi
for the hotel.

- Oh, no, no, no.
Daddy, you can't leave

without checkin' out
my compost heap.

I got the fattest worms
on the block.

I don't know

any of the other worms
on the block,

so I have no way
of confirming that.

- You are not gonna stay
at a hotel.

You're family.
You belong here.

Dad, you can sleep
at Oscar's place.

- George, George,
I would never do anything

to displace you,
especially after

all the hardships
you've been through.

What do you mean?

- Well, you know,
the financial difficulties,

losing your home,
and the infidelity.

And the recent hemorrhoid
flare-up.

- Not that
that's any of your business,

but, you know, all
of those things have improved.

[strained]
Well, most of those things.

♪ ♪

- That's the last time
I let Sam sleep in that room.

You should see
what he did to it.

- Did he throw out
your secret hot dog stash?

No, he made the bed

and he put this jar
of fancy mustard on my pillow.

- It's his way
of saying thank you.

- I think it's his way
of saying he's better than me.

Not surprising
after you told him

all my personal stuff.

- Okay,
maybe I confided in him

over the years,
but with you gone,

he was the closest thing I had
to a father.

- Well, Mayan,
now I'm the closest thing

you have to a father, okay?

So he knows
all this stuff about me.

I want to know
about his dirty laundry.

Yeah, he doesn't have any.

He does laundry every day.

I am not his favorite thing
that is white and delicate.

[chuckles]

Now, can we please
move past this

so we can keep having
a nice family weekend?

It would really mean
a lot to me, George.

- [chuckles]
I bet it would.

- Wh--does that mean
he'll do it?

- [sighs]
I don't want to lie to you...

so I'm gonna go to the kitchen.

What happened to your poster?

Ask your mother.

- I spilled my tea.
It was an accident.

I was an accident.

Chance was an accident.

This was not an accident.

- I guess
you'll have to do it over.

I could do that,

or I'll do a few dashes
to a big "X."

Boom! Now it's a pirate map!

- Hey, look at that
creative problem-solving.

Good job, matey.

Argh!

Aw, you're right.

It does look like a pirate map.

Now, to make it more authentic,

we should burn the edges.

Nope!

- Clever, Nana,
but not clever enough.

[upbeat saxophone music]

♪ ♪

- And the whole family thinks
this Sam guy is perfect.

Everybody has flaws, man.

That dude's gotta
be hiding something.

So I'm gonna find out
Sam's secrets.

That's why I'ma set up
a honey trap.

- Oh, is that like
Winnie-the-Pooh-ing

where you just walk around

with a shirt
and nothing on the bottom?

No.

It's where you try
to tempt somebody

by luring them
to do bad things, hmm?

I'm gonna tempt him with stuff
no white man can resist.

It ain't gonna be a honey trap.

It's gonna be something
like a potat-er trap.

♪ ♪

- How's the movie?
- It's a football game.

Be better if we had beers.

Comin' right up, Daddies.

[leaf blower humming]

Damn leaf blower's so loud.

It's that gardener.

Want to tell him
to turn it down?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Lo siento, Mr. George.

- Look at this guy.
Can you believe him?

Probably not even legal, Sam.
We should call ICE.

- No.
I'm a sanctuary city man.

I admire
the pride you take in your work

even while making
minimum wage--

a measly 15 bucks an hour.



That's how much you pay me
per day!

- All right, well,
George says get out of here.

Vamanos.

- [leaf blower humming]
- Ay.

♪ ♪

- All right.
This has got to work.

I'm gonna text Sam
pretending to be a hot lady.

"Hey, big guy.

"Saw your pics,
and I think you're hot AF.

Want to meet up?"

And then we send a picture
of her hot pocket.

- You want me to find
some pictures on the internet?

- No.
That'll take too much time.

Let me see your elbow.

How does that look?

It looks hairy, but...

he probably hit puberty in the
'70s, so he'd probably like it.

Squeeze it together closer.

Make love to the camera.
Make love.

Make love.

It's a summer day.
You're living your best life.

Have fun.
Have fun!

[chuckles]
You're happy.

You're walking
through the park.

You're living on your own.
You're in New York.

- It's--
- Hey, guys.

I'm not even gonna ask.

I j--I wanted to say

I appreciate you've been
spending time with my dad.

And I have noticed

that you have been cracking
fewer jokes at my expense.

- So thank you.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry I'm slacking.

I'll get right back on that,
Flavorless Flav.

- Sam responded.
- Oh.

"I'm sorry, but I'm married.

But I hope that you find
a fulfilling relationship too."

This guy's disgusting.

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I think it's interesting
that you let Chance

come to dinner
and play silly games

instead of redoing his poster.

- Silly? If he gets
the zucchini out of the maze,

we get $1 off dessert.

- Oscar, I am so glad
you could take time off

from your busy
gardening schedule

to join us for dinner.

- Gardening?
- He's a gardener now.

- Well, we got
a lot of good food.

We got a lot of good martinis.

There is something
about the Sizzlers

that brings out
the best in humanity.

- Can you believe
how much Sam is drinking?

This isn't even the Sizzlers.

- I think we found his vice.
He's an alcoholic.

- Damn it.
It just makes me like him.

[glass clinking]

I would like to make a toast.

Nothing makes me
a prouder papa

than when I see
the amazing life

that you have built for you
and your beautiful family.

I am so impressed

by all of your accomplishments
and your hard work.

To Mayan.

Oh...

- To Mayan.
- Oh, wow.

all: To Mayan!

I did that. [chuckles]

- When my family is successful,
I'm successful.

- That's one way
of measuring it.

- You can also measure it
in compost.

Yeah, I trained my worms
to eat coffee filters,

and they got thick.

It's a big week
for the Lopez-Van Bryans.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Thanks for inviting me.

You know, I always wanted

to turn my Chevy van
into a mancave,

but my wife keeps just wanting
to use it for sex.

- Your wife still wants
to have sex with you?

Damn. You're cool.

Man, sex is the best.

Me and my elbows used
this place last night.

I gotta admit, Sam,

when I first met you,
I was jealous, man,

'cause I can't compete
with you.

- No, no, no, no,
there is one area

where you--you got me b*at.

Look at your daughter
compared with my son.

What do you mean?

I mean, Mayan is ambitious.

She's successful.

Quinten is weak.

He's soft.

He had a kid
when he was too young.

He's in a dead-end job.

He is...

a massive disappointment.

- Wow, man. And I just
call him Sadly Cooper.

We found his dirty secret.

Yeah, he's a judgmental jerk

who talks trash about his son
behind his back.

No. No panty lines.

He doesn't wear underwear.

That's why he doesn't have
any dirty laundry.

♪ ♪

- Hey, Quinten,
I think there's something

you should know about your dad.

One second, George.

[mimics air wrench]

[grunting]

Yeah, it's not broken, Gordo.
You just got a flat tire.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

You just gotta
put a little air in it.

Ready?
[exhales wetly]

Oh!

Did you drive this
in some dog poop?

Maybe.

- You want a kiss?
- No.

- Come on.
Give me--come on.

No? All right.
[grunts]

Okay.

Ready?
[car whirs]

Oh. Good as new.

- It works! Thanks
for fixing my whip, Daddy.

- Aw. Yeah, all right.
No problem, bud.

Let's get you ready for bed.

Oh, wait.

Sorry, George.
You said you--

there's something
I should know about my dad?

Um...

that he and your mom still have
a very healthy relationship.

Oh. That's nice.

♪ ♪

Where's Quinten?

Oh, putting Chance to bed.

They do
a little nighttime meditation.

Oh, yeah.

Sittin' around doing nothing.

He's good at that.

- Well, maybe
he's got other priorities

like spending time
with his kid.

Yeah.

Family time is great,
but it doesn't pay the bills.

And it doesn't make you
the number three car salesman

in the Dakotas.

That's two states.

It's mostly bison, you know.

And I'm no scientist, but,
you know, they don't drive.

- I'm sorry if I want my son
to be successful.

- Look, you and I are gonna
know each other a long time,

so I'ma say this to you
right now.

You're wrong, okay?

Quinten is successful, Sam,

maybe just not in the way that
you and I measure it, okay?

I mean, these kids
don't see a lifetime

of grinding away at work
as the goal.

- Then what the hell
is the goal?

Damned if I know. [chuckles]

But you know what?

They're happy, okay?

I mean,
Quinten takes care of Mayan

so she can pursue her dreams.

He makes sure that
Chance knows that he's loved

every single day.

And he puts up with me,
and I can be a lot.

But he's a better father
than you or I will ever be.

So maybe he's not successful
at business,

but he's successful at life.

And that may be better.

Hey, Mama?

I've been thinking a lot
about Sam's toast.

And the truth is,

if it wasn't for you
teaching me about hard work,

I would have never have
gotten to this point.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and the truth is,
I did sabotage Chance's poster.

Yes!

I knew if I complimented you,
you'd admit it.

Go ahead, Mayan. Ah!

- Okay, sit down.
- Okay.

- You know
what your problem is?

You're too comfortable.

I was hard on you

because I knew the world
would be even harder.

You think things are better now
for all Latinos

because your life is good?

I mean, a white kid
writes sloppy, and it's,

"Oh, he has the handwriting
of a doctor."

A Latino kid writes sloppy,
and it's,

"Oh, he's illiterate."

[sighs] We have to work
three times as hard

just to be seen as equals.

- Okay, I'll make Chance
redo the poster.

And then?

- I'll rip it up and make him
do it a third time.

Oh, that's my girl.

♪ ♪

- How about a hug
to go with that mug?

You're already too close.

- I heard you defending me
to my dad last night.

- Mm-mm, you must have been
having a drunken hallucination.

Well, I wasn't drunk.

- Well, then,
I must have been

having a drunken hallucination.

But you know what, man?
Your dad's a lot.

Yes he is. [chuckles]

Look, my dad's narrow-minded
definition of success

is part of the reason
I moved away from North Dakota.

Also, I'm scared of bison,
and they are everywhere.

- Does Mayan know?
- No.

I don't, uh...

I don't talk about it with her

'cause they got a great bond
and I don't want to ruin that.

Mm.

- As far as him and I go,
it's just--

it's hard trying to live up
to a successful dad.

It's awesome Mayan never had
to deal with that.

- So what I'm hearing is
the fact that I was a screw-up

with no standards for myself
or others

makes me the perfect dad!

You hear that, Mayan?

I'm the reason
for all your success!

Nope! Mom was!

- I can never do nothing
in this house.

- Nah, George,
you can do some things.

Hey, uh...

you got a KitKat wrapper
on the back.

It's right here.
Here, I'll get it.

I'll get it. There.

It's off.

- No, there's another one
back there.

Hey!

You know, Quinten,
you're a good man.

But you don't smell
like anything.

♪ ♪

[moans]

I'm so hungover.

Hot dog?

Sure.

Oh!

- Y-you--
- Yeah.

- You just eat them
out of the package cold?

- Didn't we talk
about you judging people less?

Sorry. Sorry.

And I apologized
to Quinten earlier.

- Damn.
I should be a therapist.

Therapy?

Yeah, Quinten's been trying
to get me to go for years.

No, thank you.

- Mayan's been trying
to get me to go too.

Why do we need therapy?
We're perfect.

- And so is
this room-temperature wiener.

- I really hope you're talking
about the hot dog.