Every so often in television
a breakthrough occurs
and tonight, we're attempting
a unique breakthrough.
We've invited an eminent painter
to come along
and in the given allotted time,
produce a painting,
a masterpiece, or whatever.
Well, at the moment our studio manager
is putting the audience at its ease.
...putting that f*g out, sir,
thank you very much.
It's not me, it's BBC regulations. Right.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
it's very nice to see
such a warm crowd here tonight.
Er, as you know, you're here
on a rather important occasion,
this is a sort of departure in television.
Er, as you probably know,
we are going to have an artist
come to the studio
and paint a picture.
We're going to see an artist
actually in the process of creation.
Er, we're going to catch him,
er, on the job, as it were.
[Laughter]
Thank you...
Thank you very much,
you're very kind. Erm...
[Laughter]
Now, er, let me explain,
first and foremost,
that you're here to enjoy yourselves.
That's what you're here for.
But we do crave your indulgence
in one small area,
that of applause.
We do need a little applause
to bring the guest on,
so if you would bear with me, I wonder
if you wouldn't mind going through it.
When I go like this, it means applaud.
When I go like this, it means fade.
Can we try a rehearsal, if you don't mind?
Applause, applause, applause.
- [Applause]
- Fade...
[Applause fades, man shouts]
Right... Thank...Thank
you very much, sir.
Right, er, I think a couple of us
made a few mistakes there, didn't we?
- Er...
- [Laughter]
Right, erm, let's try it once more,
shall we?
Right. Applause, applause, applause.
[Applause]
- And...fade.
- [Applause fades]
Wonderful. Great.
Oh...yes...yes, the producer's
just asked me to tell you
that you're being very sweet
and cooperative about this,
thank you very much indeed.
[Laughter]
Oh. excuse me a moment,
the producer wants to talk to me again.
[Woman's voice]
Er, yes.
He's still in make-up.
Oh, he's on his way now, right. Fine.
Good. Right.
Er, ladies and gentlemen,
the great moment.
Erm, I'd like you to give a warm
but discreet welcome
to the internationally famous
British portrait painter,
Sir Gregory Humble.
[Applause]
Thank you very much.
I'm afraid I got lost in the corridors...
Yes, he's a bit older than we thought
but make-up can take care of that.
- ...I hope I'm not late.
- Yes. Er, right.
I know he's been to make-up,
he can go back again, OK?
Erm, Sir Gregory,
it's very nice to have you here today,
we're very honoured
that you have taken the time
to inaugurate this program,
thank you very much...
Thank you very much, it's a wonderful
privilege to be here this evening.
Well, there's not much
we can do about it now, is there?
- Erm...
- Is something wrong?
Er, well, erm...
No, not exactly, it's, erm, just, er...
You don't happen to have
another suit with you, do you?
- Er, not on me, no. This is...
- No.
- No, fine. Great.
- ...the one I have. Is it all right?
Great Great Fine. Lovely.
No, it's just that we thought that
performing in front of
ten million people and, er,
being an artist and so forth,
you might have worn something gayer.
- This is the gayest thing I have.
- Nobody told me about it, did they?
Right?
Right, let's get on with it, please.
Er, props, could we have the stuff.
- I hope it won't detract at all...
- No, it's all right.
There's your easel, of course.
Ah, the easel, my old friend.
And of course the palette.
- That's the palette, yes?
- And the brushes.
And you got all the colours here -
red, green and, erm, yellow.
- Yes, I recognize those.
- Yes, fine.
Erm, now, where d'you wanna stand?
Is this all right?
Er, wherever is convenient for you.
That OK? Right.
- That's all right.
- Fine, I'll just mark you.
Hold on. Right.
Touch of green. Yeah? Right.
Now, for goodness' sake,
don't move from those, erm, marks...
- I'm not allowed to move from there?
- You're not allowed...
I wonder if I can move my feet a little,
they're parallel and I might, er,
topple over if...
Well, I wish you wouldn't because we...
It's fixed now, if you don't mind...
- I'll stay with this.
- If you wouldn't mind.
Right, settle down now, studio...
I realize time's going on,
I'm more aware of it that you are.
We'll try a rehearsal...
- This is the rehearsal, is it?
- Yes. What I want...
Do I use the paints this time?
- No, you can mime the painting. Erm...
- Right.
What I want you to do
is paint away for four minutes, right?
- Four minutes.
- When I give you this sign,
- it means 60 seconds to go.
- 60 seconds.
- When I do this, it means wind up.
- Wind up.
When I do this it means
stop what you're doing,
put your brushes down on the palette,
step back, a lettering artist comes in,
puts your signature to the painting -
he's got it very well,
and, er, there we are, OK?
So, there it is, er,
wind up, er, 60 seconds to go...
I'm giving him the bloody signs.
- I'm sorry, you were saying?
- Sorry, you were saying?
I go now, from here...
- Shh, right, here we go.
- Is this real? No.
No, this is a rehearsal. And...cue!
Erm...
Greg, love, what are you doing?
I was thinking where to place the paints.
Well, don't think, just paint, mate,
because we've only got six minutes.
I thought we had four, only.
No, it's six because it's, you know,
the intro and the applause and things.
[Woman's voice]
Look, you do your bloody job,
I'll do mine.
What is this?
Just try once again. OK?
And...cue!
- Hold it, studio, hold it!
- Sorry.
Hold it, Greg. Hold it Hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.
You gonna move, Greg?
I think I'll have to move,
yes, to reach the canvas.
He wants to move.
- All right, yes, you can move.
- Is that all right?
- Thank you. I'm sorry about...
- You come and bloody well try, then!
- OK...
- I've split the canvas.
- That's all right, just go ahead. Right?
- Now...
And...cue!
- [Woman's voice]
- Eh?
No, it's not...
What?
Well, this is what he does, isn't it?
- What you do, isn't it?
- Yes, this is my art.
Yes...
It's what he does, yes.
All right, I'll have a word. Erm...
Greg, Greg, Greg...
Greg, love, erm...
I...I don't want you to take
what I'm gonna say the wrong way.
- No.
- Erm...
Now, you see,
I think it's great.
- Well, it's not finished yet...
- No, I think it's great.
- I think it's great, you think it's great.
- Well...
They don't know it's great, I mean,
for an audience, it's a bit too confused.
It's abstract at the moment, yes.
I know, but, you see,
if you don't mind, I think
we ought to just remember
that the tonal range of
the cameras is a bit limited.
Of course, yes.
And I think it's a question of applying
more the principles of the early Cubists,
rather than this sort of rubbish.
- Can I take over a minute?
- There is a...
- I'm sorry, yes.
- I'd just like to show you what I mean.
You see, I think, this
is showing too much
of the romantic tendencies
of the Paris school.
Could you just...
Hold on, these are a bit in my way. Erm...
- [Woman's voice]
- I think what we need here
is the tight, plastic feeling...
- Yes, yes...
- ...of the Blue Riders.
- Er, a more direct approach, you see.
- Very well, then.
- All right, studio.
- So the cameras pick it up.
- And there's no problem with the audience.
- Cue.
Oh, right.
Erm, applause, applause, applause.
[Applause]
Good evening.
We are very pleased
to have in the studio tonight
one of the very few people in the world,
if not the only person in the world,
to have spent the major part of his life
underwater,
attempting to teach ravens to fly.
- [Man] Good evening.
- Good evening.
We are very pleased to welcome to
the studio Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling.
- Er, Streeb-Greebling.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
You're confusing me with
Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling.
Streeb-Greebling is my name.
Good evening.
- Yes. Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Thank you very much.
- Good evening.
- Good Greebling.
- Good Greebling indeed.
- Good evening.
- Yes. Good evening.
- Hello, fans.
- Yes.
Er...shut up, Sir Arthur. Erm...
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Sir Arthur, erm...could you tell us
what first led you to this way of life?
- Teaching ravens to fly underwater?
- Yes.
Well, it's always very difficult to say
what prompts anybody to do anything,
let alone getting underwater
and teaching ravens to fly.
But I think it probably
all dates back to a very early age,
when I was quite a young fellow.
My mother,
Lady Beryl Streeb-Greebling -
you know, the wonderful dancer,
er...she came up to me
in the conservatory -
I was pruning some walnuts -
and she said, er, "Arthur..."
I wasn't Sir Arthur in those days.
She said, er, "Arthur,
if you don't get underwater
and start teaching ravens to fly,
I'll smash your stupid face off."
And I think it was this
that sort of first started my interest
in the whole business of, er...
getting them underwater.
Yes. Erm, h-h-how old were you then?
I was 47. I'd er...
just majored in O-level in Forestry.
I'd got through that and
was looking about for something to do.
Yes.
Erm...where did you "strat" your work?
Er, I think it can be said of me that
I have never, ever, "stratted" my work.
That is one thing I have never done.
I can lay my hand on my heart
or, indeed, anybody else's heart
and say, "I have never stratted
my work." Never stratted at all.
I think what you probably want to know
is when I "started" my work.
Er, you've, er...
misread completely the, er...question.
- Yes, I'm awfully sorry.
I did make an error. - Yes.
Where did you, er...start your work?
Where did I start it?
Well, I started almost immediately.
My mother had given me this hint
She's a powerful woman, Lady Beryl.
She can break a swan's wing
with a blow of her hose.
Incredible creature.
So, pretty nippily, I leapt into the moat
with a raven on me wrist, you see,
and plunged into the
murky depths of the moat.
We have a little one running round
the house. Rather green and slimy,
frogs and toads
swimming about the place.
I moved out of there
to the municipal baths
and from thence to the Atlantic,
where I am currently stationed.
Mm. That's rather a long way
from home, isn't it?
to commute every morning
from Barnstaple, it really is.
Erm... [Clears throat] Sir Arthur, is it
difficult to get ravens to fly underwater?
Well, I think the word "difficult"
is an awfully good one here.
Yes, it is er...
It's well-nigh impossible. I think er...
The trouble is, you see,
God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy,
er, designed these creatures
to fly in the air,
rather than through
the watery substances of the deep.
Hence, they experience enormous
difficulty - as you said, difficulty -
in b*ating their tiny wings
against the water.
- It's a disastrous experience for them.
- Yes.
Erm...how do you manage to breathe?
Through the mouth and the nose. Er...
The usual method, in fact. God gave us
these orifices to breathe through
and who am I to condemn him?
You can't breathe through anything else.
If you start breathing through your ears,
you can't hear yourself speak
for the rushing of the wind.
Nose and mouth is what I use
and I trust you do.
- Yes, well, I most certainly do,
of course. - Good.
But what I was meaning was how
do you manage to breathe underwater?
Oh, that's completely impossible.
Nobody can breathe underwater.
That's what makes it so difficult. I have
to bob to the surface every 30 seconds.
Makes it impossible
to conduct a sustained
training program on the ravens.
And they're no better. They can't even
be taught to hold their beaks.
Horrible little animals.
There they are, sitting on me wrist
I say, "Fly, fly, you devils,"
and they inhale a faceful of water
and er...
- I suppose they drown.
- It's curtains, yes, they drown.
They er...topple off me wrist.
Little, black, feathery figure
topples off me wrist,
spirals very slowly down
to a watery grave.
We're knee-deep in feathers
off that part of the coast.
Sir Arthur, have you ever managed
to get a raven to fly underwater?
No.
Er...I have never managed
to get one to fly underwater.
Not at all Not a single success
in the whole...40 years of training.
It sounds rather a...miserable failure,
then, your whole life, really, I suppose.
My life has been a miserable failure, yes.
Er...how old are you?
If that's not a personal question.
- It is a personal question but I am 83.
- 83.
of the water, of course, on the face.
Yes, well, I-I...I would say, then,
that your life
has probably been a bit of a shambles.
It's a bit late in life, you see,
to turn to anything else.
I've often thought of
taking something else up, you know...
- Yes.
- ...a bit more sort of commercial.
But it's very difficult
when you go around to a firm
and they say,
"What were you doing before this?"
And you say, "Well, I was
hovering about ten foot underwater,
"attempting unsuccessfully
to get ravens to fly."
- Yes. - They tend to look
down their noses at you.
- Oh, what a miserable thing.
- A miserable thing indeed.
Well, thank you very much indeed,
Sir Arthur,
for telling us your absolute tale of woe.
- Thank you very much for coming along.
- Thank you. And good evening.
Poetry and music.
This, erm...uneasy marriage of the arts
has caused a lot of controversy
for a long time.
Many opinions are for, many against.
We leave you to judge for yourselves.
What we're going to show you
is a visualization
and musification
of a poem of a young poet, John Lennon.
And the poem is called, quite simply,
Deaf Ted, Danoota [And Me].
[Birds twittering]
[♪ Soft violin, piano]
Thorg hilly grove
And burly ive
Big daleys grass and tree
We clobber ever gallup
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
Never shall we partly stray
Fast stirrup all we three
Fight the battle mighty sword
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
With faithful frog beside us
Big, mighty club are we
The battle scab and frisky d*ke
Deaf Ted, Danoota
And me
We fight the baddy baddies
For colour, race and cree
For n*gro, Jew and Bernie
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
Thorg Billy grows and Burnley ten
And Aston Villa three
We clobber ever gallop
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
So, if you hear a wondrous sight
Am blatter or at sea
Remember whom the mighty say
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
Sometimes we bring
our friend, Malcolm
[Distant cheering]
[Applause]
[♪ Jazz]