[Scrapes strings]
[♪ Playing off-key]
[Applause]
That beautiful, beautiful, gypsy music.
Threehundred and seventy
two years ago today,
the Sussex baron Sir
Arthur Strumley Grabs...
...fell to his death in a ditch.
Three years later,
w*r was to ravage Europe.
But we're not here tonight
to dwell in the past.
I'd like to introduce our first
guest, Marian Montgomery.
♪ Boredom
♪ Life was a placid forlorndom [?]
♪ And I was bored right to my coredom
♪ Until he came and made his pitch
♪ Now it's inviting
♪ Thanks to the exciting Mr. Fitch
♪ Loveless
♪ Life is a cold hand wet or gloveless
♪ A snowy sky completely doveless
♪ Then just his glance made my soul twitch
♪ Prose I'm writing
♪ Thanks to the exciting Mr. Fitch
♪ Band blare and corks pop
♪ Champagne replaces
the rain and tear drops
♪ Cocktails, ski trails
♪ This Mecca we've ascended
can't be, won't be ever ended
♪ Never
♪ will my heart weigh more than a feather
♪ Or will I walk through less than heather
♪ For in my heart is sdfjgkf,
and I'm in there fighting,
♪ Thanks to the exciting Mr. Fitch
♪ Bands
♪ Never
♪ will my heart weigh more than a feather
♪ Or will I walk through less than heather
♪ For in my heart he's carved his niche,
and I'm in there fighting,
♪ Thanks to the exciting Mr. Fitch
♪ My exciting, inviting Mr. Fitch
Last week, we took our cameras
to the convent
of the Order of St Beryl, in Norwich.
We'll show you the film later
but first of all,
we've brought along the Mother Superior,
Fiona of the Croix,
to, erm...answer a few questions
on the Order of St Beryl,
which is a very unique order,
as you'll gather.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Erm...Mother Superior,
erm...or may I call you Mother?
I think that would be inappropriate.
I think Madam. Call me Madam.
Erm...right, Madam.
I wonder if you would mind telling us
in what respect the Order of St Beryl
differs from other orders of nuns.
Well, the Order of St Beryl
differs in this respect, young man -
we are a leaping order.
We do...a great deal of leaping in the air.
It's part of our everyday routine,
leaping here, leaping there,
leaping, leaping everywhere.
And, er...I wonder, could you tell us
how this leaping actually originated?
Well, it all began
in the 14th or 15th century.
It had its origins there, you know,
when St Beryl, who was the daughter
of St Vitus, the well-known dancer...
She lived in Norwich, you see,
in a very strict order of nuns,
who were forbidden to take any life.
Now, round Norwich...
Human or animal. Round Norwich
there were these ghastly snakes
which infested the area -
vipers, adders and that sort of thing -
who used to att*ck the nuns
and bite them to death.
And so the nuns
arrived at this compromise
of leaping over the snakey substances.
Er...should a snake appear,
up the nuns would go,
leaping all the time.
A great deal of leaping went on
and so the famous
leaping nuns of Norwich came into being.
I see. And what, in fact, is the order
of the day for the Order of St Beryl?
Well, er, we're early risers.
We get up at four o'clock in the morning.
Er, then go back to bed again at five,
when we realize we've got up too early.
Then, er...up again at six
for the early-morning leap.
That's quite a small leap,
usually about six inches.
Then we have a light-leaping breakfast.
You know, a hard-boiled fish
or something like that,
which doesn't settle on the stomach.
And then the morning-leaping
begins in earnest.
You know, quite a lot of heavy leaping
goes on.
Then there's lunch, afternoon leaping,
evening leaping
and finally, Vespers and bandaging.
Er...I don't understand. Bandaging?
Bandaging for those nuns
who have leapt unsuccessfully.
I see. Er...do you leap at all
yourself, Madam?
Well, I love to leap,
as indeed, who doesn't?
- I don't, particularly.
- Really?
Well, I...I really love to leap.
I used to be a great leaper
in the old days.
In fact, I achieved the leaping
Record for the convent.
Unfortunately, I landed in a lawnmower,
which rather...
curtailed my leaping facilities
and since then I've been, you know,
sticking to
about quarter-of-an-inch leaping,
which isn't very exciting
but it keeps one in practice.
Yes, I see. Erm...who actually
instructs the nuns in their leaping?
Well, we're very fortunate indeed
in having a wonderful trainer.
[French accent] Er...Sister Domination,
who had just come over from Dijon,
actually, er...at a record fee.
She was transferred from Dijon
and it really is...
She is a wonderful creature.
She really knows how to leap
and she's training the nuns
in all the modern techniques,
- including the trampoline, of course.
- That's wonderful.
Well, thank you very much,
Mother Superior.
And now we're going to show you
the film that we took of the nuns.
- Accompanied by the Nuns' Chorus.
- Yes.
[♪ Song drowned out by laughter]
♪ They're bobbing up and down
♪ By leaping, they will save,
they will save
♪ Oh, leap, leap, leap,
little nuns, leap, leap
♪ Leap in the morning sun, leap, leap
♪ O Leap, leap, leap
till the evening shadows fall
♪ These are the nuns that leap them all
♪ St. Beryl, mm-hm-mm
♪ Leap, leap
♪ The nuns they were in Norwich,
where there lived a lot of snakes ♪
- [Man chuckles] Swinging.
- ♪ In the grass
♪ And so then they scaled height
to avoid a fatal bite
♪ The Order of St. Beryl came to pass,
came to pass
♪ Leap, leap, leap,
little nuns, leap, leap
♪ Leap in the morning sun, leap, leap, ooh!
♪ Leap, leap, leap
till the evening shadows fall
♪ The snakes,
oh, the nuns, they leaped them all
♪ St. Beryl, mm-hm-mm
♪ Leap, leap ♪
Thank you very much indeed,
Mother Superior.
- Thank you.
- Fiona of the Croix.
[Applause]
And now, miss Anna Quayle.
You may stand on your head if you wish
to, but please don't stand on mine.
I like apples, you like cherries.
We both like blossom,
but who gets the berries?
In the end, friend, only the birds.
So you sing in your part of the garden,
...and I'll walk in mine.
That way, we can both enjoy the view.
♪ I'm a typically English rosebud
♪ born of typically English birth.
♪ So my mother said, I never should,
♪ play with a young man in the wood.
♪ If I did, she would say,
♪ "You'll only end up in the family way."
I never kissed a man before
Oh, isn't that a shame?
I never kissed a man before
Before I knew his name
I never had a taste for wine
Oh, isn't that a sin?
I never had a taste for wine
For wine can't compare with gin
It's nice as nice can be
My faith is at last restored
To find that vice can be
Its own reward
I always go to bed at ten
Oh, isn't that a bore?
I always go to bed at ten
Then, I go home at four
I had a friend...
And her name was Miss Halibut...
And she was a mermaid...
And she came from Edinburgh...
She used to swim around
the Cape of Good Hope and back,
And one day she did not come back.
And then I hang the fail... splash.
♪ My aunt Letty has a little house
♪ My aunt Letty has a bright green door
♪ My aunt Letty has an orange cat,
who sits the garden gate before
♪ My aunt Letty makes jam and gingerbread
♪ Spicy cookies and mince meat pies.
♪ My aunt Letty has an apple tree,
♪ a plum tree,
♪ and bumbly bees in honeypot hives.
♪ My aunt Letty sits sowing samples
♪ Keeps that cottage spik and span.
♪ My aunt Letty has a little secret:
My aunt Letty is a man.
There was a simple country lad
From ancient Banbury town
He tilled our lovely English soil
For the glory of the crown
The Banbury boy took off his hat
And there for all to see:
He had three ears upon his head
Not one. Not two. But three.
"All Banbury town", an old man cried,
"...must give a rousing cheer!
To honour our brave Banbury lad!"
And all cried "'Ear 'ear 'ear".
The other day, a man came
up to me, and he said:
"You may not realise it,
but you happen to be living
in a little world all of your own."
"You don't have to tell me.",
I said, that's my trouble.
Whenever I go out and I say the
outstanding things I always do say,
e-e-everybody gazes at me in astonishment
and alarm, but I don't care.
Because I know that I'm right.
I have got the reddest
roses, greenest grass,
rockiest rockery,
thorniest thorns,
and the little square of sky
above my garden is the bluest,
that's all, then I happen to live
in a little world all of my own,
that's all, then there's no
trouble, you can take it or leave it,
I do not care for anybody else but me,
my hat, my glove, my shoe,
my house, my bird, my fountain.
And everybody else can go to hell
as far as I'm concerned.
That's my trouble.
So you may stand on your own head if you
care to, but please don't stand on mine.
[Applause]
I'm sure you two will have an
awful lot to say to each other.
so I think I'll just leave you alone.
Yes, I'm sure you have lots
of womanly work to do, Beryl.
Good.
- [Burps] Oops.
Better out than in eh squire? Whey!
Yes, Reg...
Reg, would you like a little brandy?
It's quite a nice little one,
it's over 130 years old this.
- Yeah?
- There's no need to...
I think that's probably enough, Reg.
Probably see you through.
It's gone off a bit, ain't it squire?
No Reg. Brandy, unlike the human
body, tends to improve with age.
- Quite a joker ain't you squire, eh?
- Yes I like to think so.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, Reg.
Reg, I think it's probably
time that you and I
had a little chat
about this and that.
There's a number of things
I'd like to ask you.
How on earth do you make
that extraordinary noise?
Oh, you just get your palms
together, and squeeze, you know.
Yes... I imagine you must
have to have very sweaty palms
to be able to make
that sort of noise.
Careful squire, or I'll have to smack
your face, you know, alright?
Reg, I understand
from my wife Beryl,
that you've been seeing a
fair amount of my daughter.
That's putting it mildly, squire,
I think I've seen the lot. Whey!
I'm telling you, squire,
your daughter is fantastic...
She's like an animal, you know.
You touch her elbow and she's away. Whey!
She's a... she's a lovely
little thing, isn't she.
Reg, what I really wanted
to know as a father,
was exactly what your intentions
are towards my daugher.
Fulfilled, squire.
- Cheers.
- Cheers, Reg.
There's no need to keep saying 'cheers'
every time you drink, you know, it's a...
Reg, as you realise, my...
[Makes glass sing]
I wish you wouldn't make
that ghastly noise, Reg.
As you realise, as a father I have certain
responsabilities towards my daughter,
and I have to find out
certain things about you.
For example, where you went to school.
Not that it matters,
but it is important, you know.
Well... I went to Brondesbury
tech for a year,
then I was in the nick, on the 'Moor.
On the Moore. Some sort of Gilbert
Edinburg outdoor scheme, was it?
Climbing ladders, and weaving
moths, that sort of thing?
No. In the 'nick. You know, jug.
You know, "help".
- In jail?
- Right.
- Falsely imprisoned, I trust.
- No no.
No, I was b*ating this old lady over the
head with her handbag and I got caught.
You're obviously a
grieviously disturbed child.
Yeah... I was, I mean, minding my
own business, b*ating this lady up...
...and the law come up and disturb me.
Yes... what I meant was, you come -
I was you wouldn't keep spitting pips, Reg.
Another thing I'd like to know,
is where exactly did you meet Melanie?
- Who?
- Melanie, where did you meet her?
- Who's that?
- Melanie, my daughter.
- Oh is that here name, Melanie?
- Yes.
- That's nice, I like that.
- It's a lovely name, isn't it.
You don't attend the Young
Conservative balls, do you?
No. No, I met her in
the Essoldo, Edmonton.
I was down on the one and nines,
you know...
Watching "Apache River"...
And this bird come down.
I thought Hello hello, dolly
bird here, bit tootie you know.
She comes in, you know, sits beside me.
Half a minute goes by and I
feel the old knee coming across.
I thought whoa, dear me...
And she leans across and
whispers in my ear, she says,
How would you like to have the most
fantastic time you've ever had?
So I said, Right darling, off we go,
into the car, to Watford.
[Whistles]
I'm telling you, mate. Whey!
This was... this was Melanie?
That was Melanie alright.
Three days ago.
Reg, forgive me asking this...
For god's sake, don't
keep tapping things...
What sort of a job...
Would you like a grape?
What sort of a job do you have?
What do you do?
I got a newspaper round on Tuesdays.
And how much does this bring in, a week?
Two and three, two and four, you know.
- Two and four on a good week and...
- ...two and three on a bad one.
Two and three on a bad week.
I can't quite see, Reg, exactly...
- Sit down, squire.
- Thank you...
...exactly how you'd hope to
keep Melanie up in the style
to which she's become
accostumed on 2 and 4 a week.
Well, I thought she might, you know, lend
a hand here and there, squire, you know.
She's not qualified for any job, Reg.
I think she's well qualified
for everything.
Reg, where do you intend to live?
Well... I think this is very nice.
It is nice, you'd like to find something
similar to this and settle down?
No. No, this is fine. Here.
I don't think you entirely understand, Reg.
...a fairly small house, we merely have
one bedroom, in which my wife and I live.
I hardly see where you'd fit in.
Well, I thought you might,
you know, squeeze in, squire.
I mean, after all, we're not prudes,
are we, squire, you know?
Yes we are prudes, Reg, yes.
At least I am, I can't vouch
for Beryl, I've never asked her.
But I have every reason
to believe that she is.
If you ask me, squire, I reckon
your Beryl is just a bit kinky. Whey.
- I don't think so, Reg.
- Yeah.
When she was offering me
the broccoli, squire,
it wasn't just the broccoli
she was offering. Whey!
I wish you wouldn't keep tapping.
Reg, why do you keep going 'whey' and
tapping and spitting grape pips.
Is it absolutely necessary?
Let me ask you one thing
before you spit any more,
when do you intend
to marry my daughter?
Get off. What?
Are you not intending to
enter into the sacred vows?
No. No, I thought I'd just, you know,
get what I could out of her and youryself,
and then bog off to Ireland.
What a refreshing attitude you young
people have to established values.
Look here, Reg, I think
I'll leave you for a moment,
leave you to your nuts,
and have a word with Beryl.
Will you be alright?
- Rightho squire, go ahead, lovely.
Well, George, what's he like?
Well, he seems a nice
enough chap, a bit shy.
Oh, my aged Uncle Arly
Sitting on a heap of barley
Through the silent hours of night
Close beside a leafy thicket
On his nose there was a cricket
In his hat, a railway ticket
But his shoes were far too tight.
Long ago, in youth,
he squandered all his goods away
And wandered to the Tiniskoop hills afar
There, on golden sunsets blazing
Every evening found him gazing
Singing, "Orb, you're quite amazing
"How I wonder what you are."
Like the ancient Medes and Persians
Always by his own exertions
He subsisted on those hills
Whiles, by teaching children spelling
Or at times by merely yelling
Or, at intervals, by selling
Procter's Nicodemus pills.
Later, in his morning rambles
He perceived the moving brambles
Something square and white disclose
'T was a first-class railway ticket
But, on stooping down to pick it
off the ground
A pea-green cricket
settled on my uncle's nose.
Never, never more
Oh, never did that cricket
leave him ever
Dawn or evening, day or night
Clinging as a constant treasure
Chirping with a cheerious measure
Wholly to my uncle's pleasure
Though his shoes were far too tight
So, for three-and-forty winters
Till his shoes were worn to splinters
All those hills he wandered o'er
Sometimes silent, sometimes yelling
Till he came to Borley-Melling
Near his old, ancestral dwelling
But his shoes were far too tight
On a little heap of barley
d*ed my aged Uncle Arly
And they buried him one night
Close beside the leafy thicket
There, his hat and railway ticket
There, his ever-faithful cricket
But his shoes were far too tight
[Applause]
[♪ Jazz]
[Applause]
Pete?
Pete?
Peter?
Oh, look, there you are.
- Shh!
- What d'you mean?
- Shh!
- What?
I'm looking at
The Casting Out Of The Moneylenders.
I don't care about that I've been
looking for you for the last half hour.
We said we'd meet
in front of the Flemish Masters.
No, we didn't We never said anything
of the sort When I last saw you,
- you were in the Pissarro, weren't you?
- That's right.
I said I'd meet outside the Abstracts.
You go through the El Greco,
up the Van Eyck and I'd see you
in front of the bloody Rubens.
No.
I said I was gonna go round
the Velázquez, through the Abstracts,
up the Impressionists and then
in front of the Flemish Masters.
- No, you didn't, Dud.
- It doesn't matter, anyway.
Here you are, have a sandwich.
My feet are k*lling me.
What's that got to do with a sandwich?
Nothing. I just said it
afterwards, that's all.
You shouldn't say things
like that together.
- It could confuse a stupid person.
- Yeah.
You know, Pete... I reckon, er... I reckon
there's a lot of rubbish in this gallery.
- In here?
- Yeah.
Well, not only rubbish, Dud.
There's a lot of muck about.
I've been looking all over
the place for something good.
I've been looking for
that lovely green gypsy lady.
You know, the one
what Terpsichore done?
With the lovely, shining skin.
Where is she? Nowhere.
Nowhere. So, I went up to the manager.
I said, "Here..." I got him by the collar,
- I said, "Here..." I said, "Here..."
- Yeah.
You didn't spit sandwich at him, did you?
- Sorry, Pete.
- Blimey.
Sorry about that No, I said, "Here..."
Yeah, you'll do it again
if you're not careful.
I said, "Where..."
Come on, what did you say, Dud?
I said, "Where's that bloody
Chinese flying horse, then?"
What did he say?
He said, "Get out"
So I had to run up the Impressionists
for half an hour and hide out.
Yeah.
Yeah, but what I can't understand,
frankly, Pete,
is that, er...there's not
a Vernon Ward gallery in here.
There's not a duck in the building.
There's no Peter Scott,
no Vernon Ward, not a duck to be seen.
- Nothing.
No. And the marvellous
thing about Vernon Ward
is, of course, he's been
doing ducks all his life.
Oh, he done more ducks than
you've had hot breakfasts, Dud.
Vernon Ward, he's done plenty of ducks.
- If he's done anything, he's done ducks.
- Yeah.
He's done ducks in all positions.
He's marvellous.
Ducks in the morning...
Ducks in the morning,
ducks in the evening.
[Both] Ducks in the summertime.
What's that song?
[Both] "Ducks in the morning, ducks in
the evening, ducks in the summertime."
- Yeah.
- I thought I recognized it.
- Course you did. You said it.
- Yeah.
The thing what makes you know
that Vernon Ward is a good painter,
if you look at his ducks...
Have you ever looked at his ducks?
- Yeah.
- If you look at his ducks,
you see the eyes
follow you round the room.
- Did you notice that?
- Yeah.
If you see 16 of his ducks,
you see 32 little eyes
following you around the room.
No, you only see 16,
'cause they're flying sideways
and you can't see the other eye
on the other side.
But you get the impression, Dud,
that the other eye is craning round
the beak to look at you, don't you?
That's a sign of a good painting, Dud.
If the eyes follow you round a room,
it's a good painting.
- If they don't, it isn't.
- Yeah.
Funny you say that, Pete, 'cause
I was in the bathroom the other day...
Course you were, Dud. I remember that.
Course I was, Pete.
And I...I had the feeling... I had the
feeling of somebody in the room with me.
- Yeah.
- I thought, "Funny." You know.
Bathroom door locked, you know.
"Funny, somebody..."
- "In the room with me."
- "Funny." You know.
I didn't see no one come in. I felt these
eyes burning in the back of my head.
- "Funny." You know.
- "Funny."
So, er...I whipped round like a flash,
I see the bloody Laughing Cavalier
up there...having a giggle.
I said... You know...
- I felt so embarrassed, you know.
- Course you would.
So I went out the bathroom and I went
across to Mrs. Connelly's across the road
and asked if I could use her toilet.
- Yeah.
'Cause, er...you know, you feel a bit daft
with somebody looking at the back of you.
- Yeah.
- She's all right, though,
'cause she's only got a bowl
of pansies in her toilet.
A real bowl of pansies
or a painting, Dud?
- A real painting, Pete.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
I'll tell you what's even worse,
Dud, than The Laughing Cavalier.
- What's that?
- Can you think of anything worse?
- No.
- There is something worse than that.
What my Auntie Muriel has.
- She has the bloody Mona Lisa
in her...toilet. - No, really?
- Yes. Dreadful.
- That's dreadful.
That awful, sniffy look about her,
looking so superior, you know.
Peering down at you. She looks as if
she'd never been to the lav in her life.
Yeah.
I mean, that's the thing
about The Laughing Cavalier.
- At least he has a giggle, doesn't he?
- A laugh. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Don't sit there all prissy.
- No, mate. No.
- Disapproving of you.
- Yeah, I know.
- Yeah, that's dreadful.
- Have you been down the Rubens?
- No.
You haven't seen the Rubens?
There's one over there.
- Is there?
- Yeah. It's lovely.
He does all the fat ladies
with nothing on.
Great, pink, fat ladies. Yeah.
Except for a tiny little wisp of gauze
always lands on the appropriate place,
if you notice, Dud.
Always the wind blows a little bit
of gauze over you-know-where, Dud.
- Yeah.
- See it down there, can't you?
Course, you know, it must be
a million-to-one chance, Pete,
that the gauze, you know, lands in
the right place at the right time...
- Course. Yeah.
- ...when he's painting.
I bet there's thousands of paintings
that we're not allowed to see
where the...where the gauze
hasn't landed in the...
in the right place, you know,
it's on their nose or something.
Well, I suppose, if the gauze
landed on the wrong place, Dud,
you know, landed on the nose or
the elbow or somewhere unimportant,
what Rubens did was put down his
painting and went off to have lunch.
- Yeah. Or have a good look.
- One of the two, yeah.
Course, you don't get gauze floating
around in the air these days, do you,
- like it did in Renaissance times?
- No.
There was always gauze
in the air in those days.
Course, similarly, you don't...
You don't get them, erm...
them Botticelli cherubs about the place.
- Aren't they lovely?
- Lovely. I love them.
They've all gone.
They've d*ed out, of course.
They hunted them down for
their silken skin, you know, Dud.
No, they couldn't...they couldn't k*ll
'em, Pete, 'cause they were immortal.
No, they weren't.
They sh*t them through
with arrows through
their tiny little bellies
and then their skin was turned
into underwear for rich ladies.
- Oh, no, really?
- That's what happened.
I reckon they went up to heaven,
like the angels.
- No, they didn't.
- Course...
Course, there's no call for angels now.
- No, you don't see much of them
these days. - No.
Though Mrs. Wisby saw one, actually,
the other day, in the garden.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, she saw this angel.
Actually, it turned out to be a burglar.
She went down...she went down
on her knees praying to it,
it was in the kitchen,
whipping away her silver.
- Nasty business.
- Yeah, terrible.
Have you seen
that bloody Leonardo da Vinci cartoon?
- No.
- I couldn't see the bloody joke.
- Went down there, nothing.
- Yeah.
Though of course, you know, Pete,
a...a sense of humour
must have changed over the years.
- Of course. That's why it's not funny.
No. I bet when that da Vinci
cartoon first come out,
I bet people were k*lling
themselves, you know.
I'll bet...I'll bet old da Vinci
had an accident when he done it.
Yeah. Well, it's difficult
to see the joke,
just that lady sitting there
with the children round her.
That's not much of a joke
as far as I'm concerned, Dud.
No, well, apart from that, Pete,
it's a different culture.
- Yeah.
- It's Italian, you see.
- Italianate.
- We don't...we don't understand it.
I mean, for instance,
The Mousetrap did terribly in Pakistan.
I didn't know that.
Yeah. It shows... I still don't...
Do you know how much it cost, though?
- What?
- 500 billion pounds.
- Really?
- A lot of mon... No, hold on a moment.
- Er, three and eight, I think.
- Oh.
Or somewhere between the two,
somewhere between the two.
And now the thing
we've wasted money on
is that bloody Cézanne,
Grandee Baigneuses.
- Have you seen that load of rubbish?
- No.
- It's over there.
- Oh, yeah?
There it is. Those fat, nude ladies
with their bottoms towards you.
That's Les Grandee Baigneuses.
You know what it means, don't you?
- Big Bathers.
- Is that all?
That's all it means, Big Bathers.
Those nude women come
out of our pocket, Dud.
Yeah. That's worth...
That's worth more than er...
That's worth more than
Tottenham Hotspur, innit, eh?
Well, it's worth about the same now
they've signed Gilzean at centre forward.
But it's not worth 500,000 quid,
that load, is it?
Works out about $50,000
a body, doesn't it?
Well, you could get the real nude
ladies over there for that price.
Yeah. My Aunt Dolly would
have done it for nothing.
She does anything for nothing,
doesn't she, your Aunt Dolly?
- Yeah.
- Filthy old cow.
You enjoying that sandwich?
Mine's appalling,
I'll tell you that much.
It's worse than the
paintings, my sandwich.
Course, you know, Pete...
You...
You can't tell...
I know. You've just seen the
Leonardo da Vinci joke, have you?
Yeah.
I was gonna say, you can't tell
whether that's a good painting or not
because you can't see their eyes,
whether they follow you round the room.
No, the sign of a good painting like that,
Dud, with their backs towards you,
is if the bottoms
follow you round the room.
If it's a good painting, the bottoms
would follow you round the room.
- Would they? Shall I test it, then?
- Yeah. You go and have a look.
All right, I'll stand up, see if they...
They won't bloody budge, I tell you that,
mate. Not that load of rubbish.
Course, I can't look directly at it.
Otherwise, you know, they'll know
I'm looking and they'll get all cagey.
I'll go up, you know, like...
- Are they moving, Dud?
- I think they're following me, Pete.
- I don't think they are, Dud.
- I reckon they are, Pete.
No, those bottoms
aren't following you round the room.
Your eyes are following the bottoms
round the room.
- Same thing, innit?
- There's a good deal of difference
between being followed by a bottom
and you following a bottom.
Well, you come here, then.
You see what I mean.
I don't see anything at all. Just a load
of bottoms extremely stationary to me.
Well, you go that way and I'll go this way
and you see if your bottoms
move the same as mine.
It'll be a bit difficult for the bottoms
if we're going in different directions.
Well, they'll divide up
amongst themselves.
- All right.
- See what happens.
- Mine are moving, Pete, I tell you.
- My bottoms haven't moved, Dud.
- Mine are going berserk.
- No, mine haven't moved at all.
- Mine's moving, Pete.
- Oh, there goes one of yours.
Oh, it's rushing all over the place.
It's coming after you, Dud.
- No, don't be daft, Pete.
- See you in the Dutch Masters.
Righto. Ta-ta.
[Applause]
♪ Wasn't the summer short?
♪ Didn't it seem to fly?
♪ Where are the nights
we thought we'd find our love
♪ beneath the summer sky?
♪ Didn't that careless moon
forget to find us?
♪ Didn't the month of June
♪ fail utterly to remind us
♪ That Autumn comes all too soon
♪ And Midsummer madness dies
♪ Nothing is quite the same
when leaves turn gold
♪ 'neath September skies
♪ Why did we let this magic time go by?
♪ Wasn't the summer short?
♪ Didn't it fly?
[applause]
- Can I sing a song, Dudley?
- Yes, please.
♪ Close your eyes
♪ Put your head on my shoulder
and sleep
♪ Close your eyes
♪ And I will close mine
♪ Close your eyes
♪ Let's pretend that
we're both counting sheep
♪ Close your eyes
♪ It's really divine
♪ While you play
♪ Something dreamy for dancing
♪ And we'll be romancing
on love's holiday
♪ Love's gonna be our guide
♪ Close your eyes
♪ When you open them I will be here
♪ By your side
♪ So, won't you close your eyes?
♪ Music plays
♪ Something dreamy for dancing
♪ While we're here romancing
♪ It's love's holiday
♪ Love is gonna be our guide
♪ Close your eyes
♪ When you open them, dear, I'll be here
♪ By your side
♪ So, won't you close your eyes?
[High-pitched] ♪ Di-bi di-bi-di
♪ Di-bi-di bi-dibidi-di
♪ Di di di-di di di ♪
[♪ Continues scat-singing]
[♪ Music plays]
♪ Something dreamy for dancing
♪ We'll be romancing
♪ It's love's holiday
♪ Love will be our guide
♪ Close your eyes
♪ Close your eyes
♪ When you open them, dear, I'll be here
♪ Lover, close your eyes
♪ Close your eyes, dear
♪ Close your eyes
♪ Close your eyes, dear
♪ Close your eyes ♪
[♪ Scat singing]
♪ Close your eyes
♪ Close your eyes
♪ Close your eyes ♪
[Applause]
- ♪ Now is the time to say goodbye ♪
- [Pete miming]
♪ Now is the time to yield a sigh
♪ Now is the moment...to wend away
♪ Until we meet again
♪ Some sunny day
♪ Goodbye, goodbye
♪ We're leaving you
♪ Goodbye,
oh, where's the fun gone?
♪ Fa ta ta ta, fa ta ta ta ♪
[Applause]