[Orchestra warming up]
- Hello there! Hello there!
- Hello.
- How are you?
- How are you? Very well indeed!
- Wonderful to see you!
- Wonderful to see you!
- Yes. It's a gorgeous view!
- It is a beautiful view!
- Isn't it a beautiful view?
- What a beautiful view!
On a clear day, you can see
my mother on the Surrey hills.
- Can she see you?
- No, poor love.
- Very good thing, probably.
- Yes.
There's nothing I like more
than an opening night.
Nothing better. The excitement,
the glamour of an opening night.
- Yes, wonderful. You game?
- Yes, I'm ready.
- Right. Shall we give the signal?
- Why not?
[Orchestra falls silent]
- [Fanfare]
- I seem to be going up rather fast!
I seem to be joining you now.
That's better. I'm above you.
I'll try and get a bit level with you.
- Could you pull your end up a bit?
- Yes, that's about it, isn't it?
- Now we should be going apart.
- Let's hope the old bag drops now.
- Ah, there she goes!
- Wonderful.
[Coughing]
- There's a lot of smoke about!
- A lot of smoke, yes.
Dear, oh, dear!
Oh, what a lovely view from up here!
It is good, yes. It is good.
Very bracing air, I find.
Yes, very, apart from this ruddy smoke.
- Dropping a bit now.
- Yes.
D'you fancy a dip at all?
Um, not very much! I'm trying
to give it up in this weather.
Yes. Oh, isn't this beautiful?
Isn't it lovely?
The whole panoply of London.
Ah, I can see your mother now.
- Oh! How's she looking?
- Um...
- I can't see her from here.
- She's looking a bit distant to me.
Whose idea was this?
I think it was mine.
I'm sorry about that.
[Man] OK, then. Let's go
for a take on this one.
- Can we have red light and bell, please?
- [Bell]
Now keep it quiet.
Hello, please?
Action.
[Man] Robert Neasden,
author, poet, playwright,
a man with a string of successful plays
and films behind him,
A Man For All Neasdens,
A Lion In Neasden,
And Anne Of A Thousand Neasdens.
He needs solitude to work,
living alone in the country
with his wife, children, dogs,
and the occasional television crew.
He describes how the idea
for the film came to him.
I was in the cinema at the time,
just me, my wife and children and dogs.
I was watching this film,
and suddenly I thought, "A film.
"That's it, a film."
It was so simple, I almost wept.
He takes his idea to famed
producer-director Brian Neasden.
- I saw it as a film about people...
- Yeah?
...people who need people.
- People who need people? Yes.
- Mm.
Big people with universal emotions,
locked in noble conflict.
A king, a queen, a bishop.
Fine language, cathedrals, horses.
Neasden works furiously
on the first draft.
Writing is exhilarating,
agonizing, exhausting.
Months later, he delivers it.
Yes, I like it, Bob. Yeah.
It's probably a few ounces
too long, but it's terrific.
Brian Neasden postpones
his scheduled spectacular,
When Diana Dors Ruled The Earth,
to concentrate
on Robert Neasden's project.
Now it's a question of casting.
His mind clicks into action.
Why not Peter O'Neasden
as the Archbishop
and Richard Neasden as the King?
Two giants of the BO
who could set the screen alight.
They leap at the chance
of playing with each other.
Ah, that's much better. Yes, yes.
sh**ting begins
on The Crowning Glory.
Richard Neasden prepares for his role.
Well, um...I've always
wanted to work with Brian,
and, er...when I heard that
Robert had written the script,
I didn't have to read it.
Er...the money's neither here nor there.
It's in Geneva.
Now watch the combined greatness
of Peter O'Neasden,
Sir Akim Neasden,
and Richard Neasden,
in the electrifying...
[Whispers] ...cathedral confrontation.
[Choir singing]
[Clanking]
[Gasps]
[Snorting and sniffing]
My Lord Bishop.
My Lord Neasden. What is't?
I is't, my lord.
My dear Lord Neasden, when I say
"What is't?" I mean "What is it?"
[Snorting and sniffing]
'Tis my teeth, my lord. That is why I...
[Groans and snorts] ...I is't
I'll ask again.
Lord Neasden, what ails thee?
[Snorting] Mild and bitter.
How very kind.
To ease these particulates.
[Snarls] Speak not of mild and bitter
in this holy house!
[Snivelling] Forgive me, my lord.
Like the humble snail,
I kneel silently at thy feet.
[Clattering]
I crave thy holy indulgence!
[Groaning] Could you possibly
extend the...the episcopal hand
and bear me up again?
- What is thy news, Neasden?
- Grave news, my lord.
Thy cousin Hal, the King,
God's instrument upon this earth,
does bear down upon thy holy haven
like a black falcon
upon his innocent prey the lowly dove.
- Get to the nub, Neasden.
- My lord, forgive me.
I kneel like a cringing spaniel that
hath his master most grossly offended.
What will the King?
Divorce, my lord, divorce.
E'en now he frolics with his fancy mate,
the strumpet Nell.
[Snorts]
There can be no divorce.
My lord, the King cries
that the Queen is barren.
He yearns for a son,
and Nell is big with his child!
[Snorting]
But hist, methinks I hear
his kingly footsteps.
I must away.
And I...must pray.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
John, Bishop of Becontree!
Be still This is God's house.
I must to vespers.
Then let God wait For do we not read
that His patience is infinite?
Whereas patience is a commodity
most absent from my nature.
I needs must talk to thee
most pressingly for a favour.
Aye, Hal, the taverns buzz
with rumours of thy indolent adultery!
I love her, John!
I love my Nell.
Each time I see her, my heart
becomes a thousand fluttering larks.
What of the Queen
and honour of England?
I bear confess,
my barren bed gives me
neither princeling nor a king's comfort!
Then shall I pray for thee.
God, John. Dost thou not remember
those times when we were young,
and used to go a-hunting
and a-whoring together?
Where is that John that used to wassail
and rut like a mountain stag?
That John is dead.
And dead shall be the other John,
unless annulment of these sterile bonds
shall be granted.
Would'st have me spawn a bastard?
Hal This is thy 12th marriage.
The Pope grows weary
of thy constant inconstancy.
Yet should the Queen agree,
then one more time my quill
shall spill thine will upon the scroll
and then to Nell with you
and now for Hal I needs must pray.
- [Choir singing]
- Ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Aaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
The morning sh**ting completed,
these two great stars relax over lunch.
Waitress?
For me to start,
I think compote of grapefruit,
small segments
thus engendered in a vase.
For me the same, identical.
And then to follow, yes,
fried fillet of plaice and lamb
and there with sage and onion sauce
garden peas fresh from England's lands
and roast potatoes too.
For me to follow, pork sausage
and onion turnover with cabbages
from the Surrey downs,
roast potatoes
from England's blazing ovens.
And then, to cap it all for me,
semolina milk pudding
to engender all those juices
which do aid the digestion.
For me...nothing.
- Nothing, my lord?
- Nothing, my lord.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- And two piping-hot black coffees.
- [Both laugh]
Finally, the passionate bedroom scene
between the King and the Queen
played here by Dame Raquel Neasden.
- Bastard!
- Bitch!
- Adulterer!
- Slut!
- Whoremonger!
- Fishwife!
- Pig!
- Cow!
- Milk?
- Please.
So you met someone who set you
back on your heels. Goody-goody.
So you met someone and now
you know how it feels. Goody-goody.
Please release me, let me go,
for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold.
Release me, my darling, let me go.
So you gave her your heart too,
just like I gave mine to you.
Goody-goody for you!
Goody-goody for her!
And I hope you're satisfied,
you rascal, you.
Well, bless my soul, what's wrong with me?
I'm shaking like a leaf in a buzzing tree.
My heart says stop,
but I'm...I'm as wild as a bug!
I'm in love! Huh! I'm all shook up!
Let's twist again like we did last summer.
Let's twist again like we did last year!
The party's over.
Bye-bye, love.
Bye-bye, happiness.
Hello, loneliness.
I wish that I could die.
[Gasps]
Is that all there is?
♪ Yes, we have no bananas
♪ We have no bananas
♪ Today ♪
[Gasps]
Yummy, yummy, yummy,
I've got love in my tummy,
and I feel like I'm lovin' you!
The film complete, Brian Neasden
returns to his wife and family.
God, it's marvellous to be home.
Bob, you fix yourself a drink and I'll go
and get Vera and the kids. Marvellous.
Vera!
Vera, we're home! Vera, it's Brian!
At last, author and director can relax...
- Vera?
- ...and forget the agony of filmmaking.
Vera!
Vera!
That's very strange.
She was here three years ago.
- There's a note here, actually, for you.
- Oh, thanks.
There.
"Goodbye forever. Love, Vera."
- My God! What a fantastic title!
- It's a marvellous title, isn't it?
I see it as a...I see it as a film,
a very contemporary film.
Yes, a film.
And so out of an ordinary domestic
incident, a new idea is born,
a new idea for the making of a movie.
♪ Everybody's talking at me
- [Crowd applauding]
♪ I don't hear a word they're saying... ♪
[♪ My Blue Heaven]
♪ Oh, I cobble and I cobble,
I am the fairy cobbler
♪ I cobble...
♪ I cobble and I cobble
and I cobble away
♪ They call me the cobble goblin
♪ I cobble and I cobble
♪ I cobble and I cobble... ♪
- [High-pitched humming]
Oh, hello, Melanie.
- I didn't hear you come in.
- [High-pitched] I don't suppose you did.
Did you have a good afternoon,
dear heart?
Some of us had a rather better
afternoon than some of us
not a million miles away from here.
I hope you had a good afternoon, Melanie.
I've been very busy,
as you can see, with these boots.
There's been a lot of orders
for fairy boots.
Yes, those stupid little shoes of yours.
They're not stupid little shoes,
Melanie, they're fairy boots.
And what's more they're...
- Our bread and butter.
- You may laugh, Melanie.
I don't need your permission to laugh.
I'm not suggesting
you need my permission,
I'm merely pointing out that were it
not for these "stupid little shoes",
were it not for the shoes, we wouldn't be
able to live in this lovely little toadstool
and have all the things which make
life so comfortable for both of us.
That make life all the more damp
and poky for both of us, you mean.
Why can't we live in a wonderful
gingerbread house like Goldilocks does?
You know perfectly well
I can't afford it on a cumbler's...
a cobbler's humble wage,
let alone a cumbler's humble wage.
No, you may laugh.
A cumbler also has a humble wage.
In fact, he has a humbler wage
than anybody else.
I've never seen a humbler wage
than a cumbler's.
How do you expect me to move
into a gingerbread house?
And if you don't like shoes,
Melanie, precious heart,
you should have pointed out that
when you married me.
I've always been a cobbler,
I've always wanted
to be a cobbler, I always
will be a cobbler,
I hope my children are cobblers too,
cobblers all through.
Wonderful. What a prospect,
spending me life with a load of cobblers.
Don't you realize, Marcel,
that under these gossamers, there's
a passionate fairy trying to get out!
My goodness me, Marcel, why don't you
take it upon yourself to tie me...
tie me to a cowslip's bell
and thrash the living daylights. out of me?
Melanie, you're overwrought.
Overwrought?
I'm underwrought, if anything.
When was the last time
you wrought me?
When you got drunk on cuckoo spit
and dressed yourself up like a centipede.
Melanie, my dear! You're completely...
Where have you been?
Your lovely gossamer threads
and wings are tattered and torn.
Where have you been?
Perhaps somebody's been
a little rough with me this afternoon.
What do you mean, Melanie?
Well, perhaps something not dissimilar
to a rude, naughty, eager water boatman
has been scrabbling at my gossamers,
has been showing me a thing or two,
has been showing me
what a husband should be like!
- Have you been out with a water boatman?
- Yes, I have.
- And was he romantic?
- As a matter of fact, he was.
It's all very easy for a water boatman!
All he has to do is scud over
the water all day and sing Italian songs,
while I have to do a job
back at home, cobbling.
It's all very well for the water boatman!
If you think that's all a water boatman
does, scud over the water,
you should have seen him
scud over me this afternoon.
If that's how you want to spend your
afternoons, Melanie. Move over, please.
If that's how you want to
spend your afternoons,
there's nothing I can
do about it, is there?
No, of course there's nothing you can do.
You can't stop me, can you?
- I can't.
- You can't stop me.
Oh, Marcel, you're so pathetic!
Don't you realize, Marcel,
I've been unfaithful to you?
Aren't you going to discipline me?
Aren't you going to punish me?
- Aren't you going to be masterful?
- You want me to be?
- You think I can't be masterful?
- Yes!
- I'll discipline you!
- For once in your life!
Do you want me to dominate you? I'll be
tough and firm with you, don't you worry!
Listen to this now!
Sit down, Melanie, shut up,
and let me get on with my cobbling.
How's that?
- Pathetic.
- I'm sorry you feel that way.
You're sorry I feel that way? How do you
know? You haven't felt me for years.
Pathetic! I've never heard
anything of the sort in my life.
My goodness, Marcel, why can't you...
why can't you rave a bit?
Why can't I rave a bit?
I'm glad you asked me that.
Has it occurred to you
that I can rave a bit,
but has it occurred to you that perhaps
you don't bring out the raver in me?
Perhaps you're so fat and sluggish
and smelly and ghastly,
you don't bring out the raver in me,
with your tatty clothes.
Perhaps some other fairy such as Tinker
Bell makes me rave like anything!
You ask Tinker Bell whether I rave or not!
You ask Tinker Bell whether I rave!
- Perhaps I've asked her.
- Oh, oh, oh? And what did she say?
Oh, oh, oh! Who's your lady friend?
I'll tell you what she said.
She told me how pathetic you were.
She told me you made a pass at her
in the fairy ring on midsummer's night,
and you asked her up here
to have a look at your cobblers last.
Cobblers first, if you ask me.
Oh, my God! She laughed so much
till her gossamers drooped.
Tinker Bell laughed so much
that she cracked her bell
and she couldn't tinkle for six months!
- Is that what Tinker Bell told you?
- Yes, that's what she told me.
- That wasn't very kind, was it?
- No, it wasn't very kind.
But it's no more or less than you deserve,
Marcel, no more or less,
because you're such an ineffective,
twitty, incompetent goblin!
You're not a goblin, you're not a sprite...
That does it! That does it!
You stupid fat cow!
How d'you think I like living
with somebody as fat and ugly?
Look at your filthy hairy chest!
I ought to b*at the living daylights.
out of you! I can't stand you!
You filthy, dirty, ugly old boot!
Get upstairs!
- Get upstairs!
- That's more like my man!
I'll put some pollen behind my ears
and some elderberry wine between my toes.
I'll be waiting for you, my darling! Oh!
Well, that seemed to get her going a bit.
Now, if I can just get these 12 boots done,
I'll be up in a couple of hours.
♪ I cobble all night, I cobble all day... ♪
♪ This is the tale, this is the tale
♪ This is the tale of Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale, Alan-a-Dale, Alan-a-Dale
♪ This is the tale
♪ Of Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale, Alan-a-Dale
♪ Yes, Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Of Alan, oh, Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Alan-a-Dale
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
♪ Alan, oh, Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale, Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale, yes, Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Oh, Alan, oh, Alan-a-Dale
♪ I'll tell you the tale,
I'll tell you the tale
♪ I'll tell you the tale of Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale,
Alan-a-Dale, Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale
♪ He'll tell us the tale, tell us the tale
♪ He'll tell us the tale of Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Oh, Alan, oh, Alan-a-Dale ♪
There have been many famous heroes
in the history of mankind.
- Some are born great.
- Some achieve greatness.
Some have greatness thrust upon them.
Of whom by no means few
have served to glorify the name
of England's green and pleasant land.
But there is one whose claim to fame...
By mention of his very name...
All other claims doth put to shame.
So if you would hear of untold glory...
Gather round and listen to my story.
Ee.
♪ Alan-a
♪ Alan-a
♪ Alan-a
♪ Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale, Alan-a-Dale
♪ Alan-a-Dale, yes, Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Oh, Alan, oh, Alan-a-Dale
- [Whistles tune hesitantly]
♪ Alan-a-Dale
[Whistles tune]
♪ Alan-a-Dale
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
♪ Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale! Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale! Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan! Alan! Alan! Alan!
♪ Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale! Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale! Alan-a-Dale!
[High-pitched]
♪ Oh, Alan-a-Dale! Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan, Alan, Alan
♪ Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan
♪ Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale! Alan-a-Dale!
♪ Yes!
♪ Alan-a-Dale
[Whistling tune]
♪ Oh, Alan, oh, Alan! Oh, Alan, oh, Alan!
♪ Oh, Alan, oh, Alan! Oh, Alan, oh, Alan!
Oh, Alan, oh, Alan! Oh, Alan, oh, Alan!
♪ A-Dale!
♪ Alan-a-Dale! ♪
[Piano flourish]
♪ Now is the time to say goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Now is the time to yield a sigh
♪ Ta-ta-ta-ta!
♪ Now is the time to...
[High-pitched] ♪ Wend away-eee
♪ Until we...
[High-pitched] ♪ Meet again
♪ Some sunny day
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ I'm leaving you
♪ Goodbye
♪ We wish you a fond goodbye
Fa ta-ta-ta! Fa ta-ta-ta! ♪