[Applause]
Good evening.
We are very pleased
to have in the studio tonight
one of the very few people in the world,
if not the only person in the world,
to have spent the major part of his life
underwater,
attempting to teach ravens to fly.
- [Man] Good evening.
- Good evening.
We are very pleased to welcome to
the studio Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling.
- Er, Streeb-Greebling.
- Oh, I beg your pardon.
You're confusing me with
Sir Arthur Greeb-Streebling.
Streeb-Greebling is my name.
Good evening.
- Yes. Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Thank you very much.
- Good evening.
- Good Greebling.
- Good Greebling indeed.
- Good evening.
- Yes. Good evening.
- Hello, fans.
- Yes.
Er...shut up, Sir Arthur. Erm...
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Sir Arthur, erm...could you tell us
what first led you to this way of life?
- Teaching ravens to fly underwater?
- Yes.
Well, it's always very difficult to say
what prompts anybody to do anything,
let alone getting underwater
and teaching ravens to fly.
But I think it probably
all dates back to a very early age,
when I was quite a young fellow.
My mother,
Lady Beryl Streeb-Greebling -
you know, the wonderful dancer,
er...she came up to me
in the conservatory -
I was pruning some walnuts -
and she said, er, "Arthur..."
I wasn't Sir Arthur in those days.
She said, er, "Arthur,
if you don't get underwater
and start teaching ravens to fly,
I'll smash your stupid face off."
And I think it was this
that sort of first started my interest
in the whole business of, er...
getting them underwater.
Yes. Erm, h-h-how old were you then?
I was 47. I'd er...
just majored in O-level in Forestry.
I'd got through that and
was looking about for something to do.
Yes.
Erm...where did you "strat" your work?
Er, I think it can be said of me that
I have never, ever, "stratted" my work.
That is one thing I have never done.
I can lay my hand on my heart
or, indeed, anybody else's heart
and say, "I have never stratted
my work." Never stratted at all.
I think what you probably want to know
is when I "started" my work.
Er, you've, er...
misread completely the, er...question.
- Yes, I'm awfully sorry.
I did make an error. - Yes.
Where did you, er...start your work?
Where did I start it?
Well, I started almost immediately.
My mother had given me this hint
She's a powerful woman, Lady Beryl.
She can break a swan's wing
with a blow of her hose.
Incredible creature.
So, pretty nippily, I leapt into the moat
with a raven on me wrist, you see,
and plunged into the
murky depths of the moat.
We have a little one running round
the house. Rather green and slimy,
frogs and toads
swimming about the place.
I moved out of there
to the municipal baths
and from thence to the Atlantic,
where I am currently stationed.
Mm. That's rather a long way
from home, isn't it?
to commute every morning
from Barnstaple, it really is.
Erm... [Clears throat] Sir Arthur, is it
difficult to get ravens to fly underwater?
Well, I think the word "difficult"
is an awfully good one here.
Yes, it is er...
It's well-nigh impossible. I think er...
The trouble is, you see,
God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy,
er, designed these creatures
to fly in the air,
rather than through
the watery substances of the deep.
Hence, they experience enormous
difficulty - as you said, difficulty -
in b*ating their tiny wings
against the water.
- It's a disastrous experience for them.
- Yes.
Erm...how do you manage to breathe?
Through the mouth and the nose. Er...
The usual method, in fact. God gave us
these orifices to breathe through
and who am I to condemn him?
You can't breathe through anything else.
If you start breathing through your ears,
you can't hear yourself speak
for the rushing of the wind.
Nose and mouth is what I use
and I trust you do.
- Yes, well, I most certainly do,
of course. - Good.
But what I was meaning was how
do you manage to breathe underwater?
Oh, that's completely impossible.
Nobody can breathe underwater.
That's what makes it so difficult. I have
to bob to the surface every 30 seconds.
Makes it impossible
to conduct a sustained
training program on the ravens.
And they're no better. They can't even
be taught to hold their beaks.
Horrible little animals.
There they are, sitting on me wrist
I say, "Fly, fly, you devils,"
and they inhale a faceful of water
and er...
- I suppose they drown.
- It's curtains, yes, they drown.
They er...topple off me wrist.
Little, black, feathery figure
topples off me wrist,
spirals very slowly down
to a watery grave.
We're knee-deep in feathers
off that part of the coast.
Sir Arthur, have you ever managed
to get a raven to fly underwater?
No.
Er...I have never managed
to get one to fly underwater.
Not at all Not a single success
in the whole...40 years of training.
It sounds rather a...miserable failure,
then, your whole life, really, I suppose.
My life has been a miserable failure, yes.
Er...how old are you?
If that's not a personal question.
- It is a personal question but I am 83.
- 83.
of the water, of course, on the face.
Yes, well, I-I...I would say, then,
that your life
has probably been a bit of a shambles.
It's a bit late in life, you see,
to turn to anything else.
I've often thought of
taking something else up, you know...
- Yes.
- ...a bit more sort of commercial.
But it's very difficult
when you go around to a firm
and they say,
"What were you doing before this?"
And you say, "Well, I was
hovering about ten foot underwater,
"attempting unsuccessfully
to get ravens to fly."
- Yes. - They tend to look
down their noses at you.
- Oh, what a miserable thing.
- A miserable thing indeed.
Well, thank you very much indeed,
Sir Arthur,
for telling us your absolute tale of woe.
- Thank you very much for coming along.
- Thank you. And good evening.
Poetry and music.
This, erm...uneasy marriage of the arts
has caused a lot of controversy
for a long time.
Many opinions are for, many against.
We leave you to judge for yourselves.
What we're going to show you
is a visualization
and musification
of a poem of a young poet, John Lennon.
And the poem is called, quite simply,
Deaf Ted, Danoota [And Me].
[Birds twittering]
[♪ Soft violin, piano]
Thorg hilly grove
And burly ive
Big daleys grass and tree
We clobber ever gallup
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
Never shall we partly stray
Fast stirrup all we three
Fight the battle mighty sword
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
With faithful frog beside us
Big, mighty club are we
The battle scab and frisky d*ke
Deaf Ted, Danoota
And me
We fight the baddy baddies
For colour, race and cree
For n*gro, Jew and Bernie
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
Thorg Billy grows and Burnley ten
And Aston Villa three
We clobber ever gallop
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
So, if you hear a wondrous sight
Am blatter or at sea
Remember whom the mighty say
Deaf Ted, Danoota and me
Sometimes we bring
Our friend, Malcolm
[Distant cheering]
[Applause]
[♪ Jazz]
The, erm...the holiday season
is just beginning
and in the same way as English
organizations such as the RAC and the AA
are publishing guides to the continent,
a French organization, the Guide Rosé,
has been taking a look at London.
Here is their report
on London's North Circular roadway.
[Man] Ze North Circular
winds its circuitous way
from 'Arlesden in ze west
to 'Ackney in ze east.
Picturesque villas
line this historic roadway.
Worth a visit, too, are the numerous
and varied and beautiful islands
that dot the route,
each one wiz a character of its own.
Archaeological surveys are always
of interest to the passing tourist
and the populace has
a native Anglo-Saxon wit.
[Honks horn]
Here we see a local abbé
visiting on some of his parishioners.
The sun-seeking travellers
are helped on their way
by cheerful gendarmes.
- Game abounds here. Vive la chasse.
- [Horn honks]
Numerous restaurants and bistros line
this picturesque roadway.
The pride of these is the Cafe De Fred.
I was recommended to Fred
by one of my fellow inspectors.
According to him, Monsieur Fred
has built his reputation by working hard.
He clings doggedly to modest prices,
and has been noted for his courtesy.
And so, throughout the years,
Fred has prospered
A native cockney,
Fred was born within the sight of bow legs.
What gastronomic delights
are in store for us here.
Monsieur Fred caters for a large,
varied and discriminating clientele.
And so, refreshed, we
continue on our journey.
To the tourist from la belle France
visiting the North Circular,
we say good luck, bonne chance,
bonne route.
Remember, keep to the left,
and above all, défense de manger.
[♪ Piano plays opening
to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony]
[Man] Ladies and gentlemen...
this is...
Ludwig van Beethoven!
[Applause]
♪ It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
♪ It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
♪ But when I see you
hanging around with anyone
♪ It's not unusual to see me cry,
I wanna die
♪ It's not unusual to be mad with anyone
♪ It's not unusual to be sad with anyone
♪ But if I ever find that
you've changed at any time
♪ It's not unusual to fnd that
I'm in love with you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
[Audience shrieking]
Hello. Zis is Ludwig van Beethoven.
[Shrieking and applause]
Velcome back.
Oh, you're too kind, really. Thank you.
Velcome back.
I should like to introduce to you
a very good limey friend of mine
who has a special line in verse.
Ze fabulous Villiam Vordsvorth.
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high over vales and hills
When all at once I saw a crowd
A host of golden daffodils
Beside the lake, beneath the trees
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of the bay
Ten thousand saw I at a glance
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance
The waves besides them danced
But they outdid the sparkling waves in glee
A poet could not but be gay
In such a jocund company
I gazed and gazed, but little thought
What wealth to me the show had brought
For oft when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood
They flash upon that inward eye
That is the bliss of solitude
And then my heart with pleasure fills
And dances with the daffodils
[Applause]
[Man] Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Ludwig van Beethoven.
♪ Joy, thou goddess, fair, immortal
♪ Offspring of Elysium
♪ Mad with rapture, to the portal
♪ Of thy holy fame we come
♪ Fashion's flaws, indeed, may sever
♪ But thy magic joins again
♪ All mankind are brethren ever
♪ 'Neath thy mild and gentle reign ♪
Oh, one more time.
Nice change of key, boys, yes.
♪ Joy, in Nature's wide dominion
♪ It's not unusual
♪ To be loved by anyone
♪ Mightest cause of all is found
♪ And 'tis joy that moves the pinion
♪ It's not unusual
♪ To have fun with anyone
♪ When the wheel of time goes round
♪ But when I see you
♪ From the bud she lures the flower
♪ Hanging about with anyone
♪ Suns from out their orbs of light
♪ It's not unusual
♪ Distant spheres obey her power
♪ To see me cry
♪ Far beyond all mortal sight
♪ Joy from truth's own glass of fire
♪ If I ever find
♪ You've changed at any time
♪ Sweetly on the searcher smiles
♪ It's not unusual
♪ Lest on virtue's steeps he tire
♪ To find that I'm in love
♪ Joy the tedious path
♪ With you
♪ Beguiles
♪ Joy in Nature's wide dominion
♪ It's not unusual
♪ Mightest cause of all is found
♪ To be loved by anyone
♪ It's not unusual
♪ And 'tis joy that moves the pinion
♪ To have fun with anyone
♪ When the wheel of time goes round
♪ But when I see you
♪ From the bud she lures the flower
♪ Hanging about with anyone
♪ Suns from out their orbs of light
♪ It's not unusual
♪ Distant spheres obey her power
♪ To see me cry
♪ Far beyond all mortal sight
♪ Joy from truth's own glass of fire
♪ If I ever find
♪ That you've changed at any time
♪ Sweetly on the searcher smiles
♪ It's not unusual
♪ Lest on virtue's steeps he tire
♪ To find that I'm in love
♪ Joy the tedious path
♪ With you
♪ Beguiles ♪
[Shrieking]
♪ Now is the time to say goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Goodbye ♪
- Get off.
- ♪ Now is the time to yield a sigh
♪ Yield it
♪ Now is the time to wend away
♪ Until we meet again
♪ Some sunny day
♪ Goodbye, goodbye
♪ We're leaving you, goodbye
♪ Goodbye
♪ Fa ta ta ta, fa ta ta ta
♪ Goodbye, goodbye
♪ We're leaving you, sweetheart
♪ Goodbye
♪ Fa ta ta ta ta
♪ Goodbye, goodbye
♪ Fa ta ta ta
♪ Goodbye, goodbye
♪ We're leaving you, sweetheart
♪ Goodbye ♪