02x10 - Not a Ghost Yet

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God. Duncan is dead.

What? No, no one said that.

Fingers crossed he pulls through.

Yeah. Fingers crossed, most def.

Okay, Lexi's on her way to the hospital,

and Sam is going with her.

I guess I'll have to
cover for them both.

- Give me that yogurt.
- What?

We've got a paper to put out.

Ah! Coconut?

Be brave, Dennis.

Mr. Rhodes, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Nell, because I
think I understand completely

- what is going on.
- You do?

I'm immortal, and you are a witch.

Well, no, see, that's not exactly it.

Okay, then what is exactly it?

I-I mean, how can I be in an ambulance

on my way to the hospital
while I'm also here with you

in an employee common area
that smells like old paella?

Well, since I started
writing obituaries,

I see the ghosts of
the people I'm assigned.

Maybe it's genetic. My
grandmother did see spirits.

But she also talked to chickens.

- Okay, let's...
- I did pre-write your obituary,

so that could be the
reason why you're here.

Uh-huh.

You must have so many questions.

Yes, I do.

Why aren't you rich?

- Huh?
- Why aren't you rich?

I mean, I could think of a million ways

you could take your power

and turn it into an
incredible financial gain.

Do you know why I'm
not rich? Huh? Do you?

[STAMMERS] You're too tall.

Would you like to
know why I am not rich?

'Cause you sold this paper
right from underneath us,

and you didn't even tell your daughter.

Do you know how totally crushed she was?

She was on her way to confront
you and tell you to stop.

But then you d*ed.

- You finally cr*ck, you freak?
- Not now, Mason, okay?

I am trying to process my
emotions about Mr. Rhodes.

Oh. Right. Right. Sorry.

Um, let's see.

Boo-hoo. Ding-dong. The guy was a jerk.

Freak.

Wow. No feelings, no loyalty.

Now, that kid's gonna be rich.

[GRUNTS]

♪

Um...

- Sam.
- I b*at ya.

Aah. I just heard about Duncan.

Come here.

It's so horrible.

It's complicated.

Hey, can you see me? Am I transparent?

Can... Can you see my face?

I just have to get to Lexi
and make sure she's okay.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I have her phone.

I have her wallet. What
else she gonna need?

- Her stapler. She's gonna...
- Oh, no. Sam, no.

I'm sure they have one
of these at the hospital.

But that's the one she learned on.

Aw, Bangs is sad.

It's just that she's been there for me

through so much this year.

I really want to be
there for her right now.

You know what, Sam?
I'm gonna come with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I think we should all go and see Lexi.
- Great.

- No, no, no, I'm not going to the hospital.
- Yes.

I don't want to see my own body.

It could put a rip in
the space-time continuum.

Dude, this is not "Back to the Future."

Hello?

[CHUCKLES] Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Where'd he go?

They stabilized Duncan.

He's at the hospital, and
they're prepping him for surgery.

Whoa, that is so weird.

Hmm?

I mean, surgery is so weird.

They cut you open, dig around.

You know, if they touch something metal,

your nose lights up... Bing!

You don't know what surgery is?

I do not have time to explain it to her.

Half of the sports
section didn't show up.

And now I have to figure
out what the playoff is.

Cheryl, banana.

Oh! Overripe.

Be brave, Dennis.

Edward.

How's Lexi?

- She's getting to know the nurses.
- Good.

I don't see why I can't look at
my own father's medical chart.

Because it's illegal and
would be a HIPAA violation.

Call me a hippo again
and see what happens.

She looks so stressed out.
Why aren't you doing anything?

I am. I'm working 23 down.

You're doing a crossword?

Lexi needs you to, like,
calm her, comfort her.

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

Well, I'm gonna go talk to her.

Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna get color-coded

and alphabetical at the same time.

Mandy, I know you look scared,

but I promise you, it will be worth it.

Hey, sweetie. I'm here.
Can I get you anything?

Do you have a stapler?

I don't know how to use this one.

Do I have a stapler? No, I don't.

Damn it, Nell! I'm gonna
check the gift shop.

Quentin, hey, uh, you
still in your feelings,

or did you cry it all out last night?

Nope. Nothing a hot shower

and a continental breakfast
at the DoubleTree couldn't fix.

- Hm.
- You ready for my interview, Quentin?

Gird your loins, because my résumé

is gonna blow your nads off.

Well, I'll meet you in the
conference room, Ms. Hercules.

Where are you interviewing Tina?

And why did I not know
her last name was Hercules?

- Well, first off, you're not a very good listener.
- What?

Second, there are a few openings

at some of my company's other holdings.

I'm culling the best candidates
at the SoCal Independent.

The best, huh? Okay.

I'll go home and get my good blazer on.

Unfortunately, you won't be
having an interview in any blazer.

Is this because you
accidentally called me Mommy?

I only called you Mommy
because you gave me

that super-soft and warm blankie.

No. That is not the reason.

It's because, as an obituary writer,

your job is easily replaced by AI.

- DUNCAN: Yep.
- Aah!

It's definitely because
he called you Mommy.

You need to get an
interview with that suit.

- DENNIS: Nell.
- Huh?

Duncan is going into surgery.

His heart's gonna be outside his body

for the next three to six hours.

That's also how much time I'll
need to fix Mason's horoscopes,

because they all say, "Scopes, brah."

You, come.

An interview?

Your heart is flopping
around outside of your body,

and that's what you're worried about?

No, we got to go and see Lexi.

I'm getting a clear picture as
to why your life is in shambles.

- [SCOFFS]
- You're a squanderer.

You squander.

I do not squander. I
am not a squanderer.

I work very hard at this paper.

Oh, please. Lots of people work hard.

You have an incredible ability,

yet you've never used
it for your own good.

That is not how this works.

No, that's not how it's been working,

but now you have me,
a titan of industry.

I can get you a job with that goober.

Just get me in the room.

You want me to use you to get a job?

That's so selfish.

Is it really selfish?

Or is it smart?

And for all you know, I
could be your last ghost.

- Oh, my God, you're right.
- Exactly.

So use me to do something
meaningful for yourself.

Fine.

Quentin, I want an interview.

And if you don't give me one,

I'm going to tell everybody
that you suck your thumb



I'll see you in five minutes.

Booya!

Ah!

Okay, let's not clean up too much.

It's good you look like
you work at a car wash.

Well, I'm just saying
if you're too perfect,

then the interviewer
thinks you're desperate.

I am desperate.

Do not say a word.

The first person who speaks loses.

Okay, let's get started.

What would you say is
your biggest weakness?

Amateur hour.

He's trying to get you to
diminish your skill set.

Pivot with a joke.

My biggest weakness? Tiramisu.

Uh-huh. Not a great joke.

This is what you're
gonna do. Uh, spread out.

Take... Take up more
space. Show your dominance.

Yeah, more. More.

More.

M... Okay. We're not a gargoyle.

Alright, uh, let's start
with some of our openings.

No, no, you're gonna lead the meeting.

You tell him why he's gonna hire you.

You know what? Pace at me, Nell. Pace.

Okay. Well, let me tell
you why you should hire me.

Stronger.

And it's not because of
my years of experience

or my investigative skills.

- Okay, curse, curse.
- Or even because I'm a damn,

very damn, damn good writer.

Yes. Now get up his face.

You're gonna hire me
because I'm bringing you

journalistic expertise
at a bargain price,

and you are lucky to have it.

Now, I want you to grab that pruny thumb

and extend it upwards so that
you show me you comprende!

Yowza!

I seriously underestimated you.

You are far more qualified
than I anticipated.

We may just have some
openings at our other holdings.

Do not say a thing.
You're gonna walk out.

We're walking. We're
not gonna look back.

You did it. You did it, Nell!

Yes!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoop.

Oh, you better get it. Get it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I see you rockin' it.

What, what? Oh, whoa!

Oh, my God. You were so right.

I crushed it! Why haven't
I done this before?

- That's my girl.
- Yeah!

Wait. No, no, no, no,
I am not your girl.

No. Lexi is your girl.

And I just realized that you
haven't asked once to go and see her.

Lexi's fine. Hey, let's
go to Caesars Palace.

I can get into the Bacchanal Buffet.

No.

You have an opportunity
to see your daughter

before you potentially die,
and you're here with me?

I'm not the squanderer.
You're the squanderer.

Don't use my word against me,

especially after all I did
for you with the thumb Sucker.

You told me to use this to help myself,

but that's not how it works.

I use this to help you.

And if you're gonna be my last ghost,

then I'm taking you to the hospital.

I'm not going to the hospital.

You have no choice.
You're getting in my Prius.

I'm not getting into a Prius.

Damn it. I'm in a Prius.

Alright, where's Mandy? Hello!

Does anyone have eyes on Mandy?

Hey. Do you want to take a break?

I got you some...

... balloons.

Thank you, Sam.

♪

Did she like the balloons?

♪

- Thank you.
- Hey, you know, is this really necessary?

I'm sure Lexi's probably fine.

LEXI: Mandy to the nurses' station.

I know you stole my Fresca.

Mandy to the nurses' station!

- Does she sound fine to you?
- No.

Come on.

You're gonna use me to
deliver a message to Lexi.

This could be your last chance
to fix your relationship.

Look, Nell, the Rhodes family,

you know, we're not lovey-dovey,

"get your feelings out" type of family.

We communicate with
long periods of silence

sometimes lasting years.

Well, we don't have years.

So tell me what you
want me to tell Lexi.

Alright, just tell her, um...

Uh, start with Le...

I got nothing.

Wh-what do you mean you got nothing?

She's your only daughter.

You can't be so cold and empty
inside that you got nothing.

What do you want me to say, huh?

That I messed up?

That I chose work over my family?

That we went her entire life

without having a real conversation?

Do you think that's gonna
make her feel any better?

Wow, when you put it like that...

I can't do this anymore.

I don't even know who that woman is.

She's crazy. [SOBBING]

I think that might be Mandy.

[INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT]

Okay. I'm loving that the
napkins are in a basket.

That is a good start.

But it's easier to kick
cardiovascular disease

when you add a little pizzazz.

Could you please just look up
from the crossword at least?

She's doing napkin origami over there.

Impressive.

So then you push it through,
fan out the tail, and voilà.

Oh, I can't believe I
have to do everything

around this hospital myself.

You know what? Let's take
a deep breath with me, okay?

Let's try that. [INHALES DEEPLY]

In, two, three, four.

We're running low on bedpans

and need more type O-negative blood.

I can only donate so much, Sam.

Hey, real quick,

what's an eight-letter
word for cashmere shawl?

Why does it matter?

Pashmina, which was also the
name of my first albino pony.

Huh. What about a six-letter word

for director and star of "Yentl"?

Oh, Barbra, but only two A's.

She took away the middle one

when she knew she was
going to be famous.

You're really good at this.

[SIGHS] Thank you.

You're welcome.

♪

I think I'm going to check and see

if there's an update on my father.

Okay.

♪

I, uh, get the crossword now.

When I get overwhelmed,
it helps me calm down

if I have something to fixate
on, like my Rubik's cube,

and I know Lexi's the same way.

A puzzle with a solution. Small wins.

Those things help us relax

in situations we can't really control.

I see why the two of you
are so good for each other.

Alright. Let me try one.

Three-letter word for foe of dog.

I don't know. w*r?

- That is correct.
- Oh!

Making five down "Wanada."

Ooh.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

Cricket, it's so nice that you're here.

Well, honey, Duncan
is a complicated man.

But I want to be here for Lexi, too.

Plus, girl, that buffet spread

is better than any hotel I've been to.

Nothing. So, how you doing, honey?

It's a weird day.

You know, Duncan being in
here and the paper being sold.

It just... It's made me
think about a few things.

Oh. Well, tell me all about it

while I eat this stuffed mushroom.

You know, I always thought

that my job writing
obituaries had value.

I mean, not monetarily,
because it doesn't pay squat,

but somehow, because I'm
telling their last story,

I was bringing closure
to the person who d*ed,

but I don't think I'm
impacting them at all.

Well, of course not.
Honey, they're dead.

Right. [CHUCKLES]

Obituaries are not really for the dead.

They're for the living.

When Monty d*ed, I felt so connected
to him because of your obituary.

It was like, through you,

I had one last conversation with him.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Nell, that is so special.

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, now that Mandy's gone, we've
really gotten into a groove.

That's awesome.

Maybe it's a good time
to take a walk with me.

Oh. Ladies, I'm taking my 10.

- Oh, thank God.
- Who is she anyway?

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

So, uh, I know you didn't get
a chance to talk to your dad

before all this happened,

and you had a lot of stuff
that you wanted to say.

So maybe you could say it to me instead.

- You'll feel better.
- That sounds dumb.

- That sounds dumb.
- See what I'm saying?

The Rhodes, we don't
talk about our feelings.

I get it.

Rhodes don't talk about their feelings.

That's exactly what my father would say.

Oh, really? Well, what
would you say back?

Pretend he's here.

Pretend he's standing right next to me

with that big dumb look on his face.

Nice. Alright. This is a waste of time.

I promise, it's not a waste of time.

Fine.

I'm upset he sold the
paper without telling me.

It makes me feel like he
never thought I could run it

in the first place.

When he first gave me the paper,
I was left with no resources,

and he thought it would
close in six months.

I bought it as a write-off.

- I made it last for years.
- Wow.

I figured out a way to be
resilient and never give up.

That's something I've had to
do my entire life, by the way.

And he's always seen me as someone

who needs to be taken care of.

He's never seen the real me.

And everything that I can actually do.

And look what you did.

You built this paper and
a beautiful community.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

I can't believe they all
came here for my father.

They didn't. They came here for you.

And I have a feeling

your dad would want
to know the real you.

I hope he pulls through
so he gets the chance.

- Yeah.
- I do, too, Lexi.

♪

We all chipped in to put out the
paper early so we could be here.

Actually, it was all me.

I wanted to be generous,
but they did nothing.

Thank you.

See, Duncan?

This is what I do for ghosts.

♪

Good news, everyone. The
surgery was a success.

- Father's going to be okay.
- [CHEERING, CHATTER]

I'm not crying. You're crying.

Yay. Yeah. Life found a way.

♪

Enjoy the Rolex.

Father, you're looking well.

Oh, well, thank you.

I had them do a little nip/tuck

before popping the ticker back in.

Oh, well, I'm glad you pulled through.

- I have something important to tell you.
- Oh, really?

You figured out how you're
gonna spend all that money

we got from selling the paper?

You're gonna buy an
Italian soccer team, hmm?

Invest in a celebrity tequila?

Go to space?

Actually, I need to say something,

but it's hard, so I'm
just going to say it.

I bought the paper.

The new owner was selling it for parts,

and I bought all the parts.

I borrowed against my
trust, liquidated my savings,

and refinanced my horse.

And I'm sure that you think it's a
bad investment and a terrible idea.

No. Actually, I don't.

Really?

Please, talk me through the deal points.

Sure.

NELL: Some people think a
newspaper is just about the news,

but it's about so much more.

When I first started writing obituaries,

I thought my job was
about reporting the facts.

But as with all good storytelling,

I discovered it's really
all about the people

and their relationships to each other.

It's about the challenges they've faced

and how they've risen to the occasion,

how they've become someone or something

they never knew was possible.

And to get two sheets together,

you simply, you see, put it like that.

And look at this. They're married now.

With every obituary assignment,

I'm not just learning
about other people's lives.

They're also teaching me about mine.

This job that once seemed like a burden

has become so meaningful to me

that I would even do it for free.

"But I think we would both agree,

in light of the new ownership,
I definitely deserve a raise.

Sincerely yours, Nell Serrano."

Hm.

So, what do you think?

I love your little book
report about your job,

and I agree with all of it.

- You do?
- Yes.

Except for the raise part.

I just sunk all of my
money into this place.

It's gonna be a hard no.

But I'm a damn,

very damn, very damn,
damn good journalist,

and I'm gonna convince you why
you're gonna change your mind.

Oh, Nell. You don't know
who you're dealing with.

I could do this all day.
My father started me young.

Oh, hey. Oh, wow. You guys look huge.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, boss lady, I hope
you're not so fancy

that we can't take you out to lunch.

As much as I'd love to,

I already have lunch
plans with our landlord.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hello, everybody. It's great to be back.

Good morning, Mr. Rhodes.

I can see you're still
getting dressed in the dark.

- Thank you, Mr. Rhodes.
- Of course.

Hello, Father. I'll be
with you in a moment.

I just have to grab my gloves.

Hey, there, Mr. Rhodes.

Ah. Hello, Mel.

Glad you're back. How you feeling?

Pretty good for a guy
who was technically dead

and had his heart flopping around
outside his body for several hours.

Yeah, that must have been weird.

Hey, quick question... Seeing
as I'm the obituary writer

and it's kind of my jam,
I was just wondering,

do you remember
anything during that time

or see anything or anybody?

No, no, not really.

Just everything went black, you know?

Like I was in a void.

Great.

- Except it was very tight.
- Yeah.

And uncomfortable.

That makes sense.

Kind of like I was in a Prius.

How would I know what that's like?

Uh...

Wait a minute.

What?

Since it's a new day at the newspaper,

I thought I would take
the opportunity to rebrand

with a more up-to-date, modern image.

Mm. Love. Getting a makeover.

- Yes, great idea.
- Yeah.

So from today moving forward,

our beloved SoCal
Independent shall be known as...

the SoCool Independent.

I mean, it's very similar to SoCal,

just a little bit cooler.

[LAUGHS]

What a difference an "oo" makes.

So, what do you think?

Well, it doesn't sound professional.

- Or reputable.
- Or real.

Or good.

Uh, because it's not.

[LAUGHS]

- Goof!
- Oh.

Fun boss. Get it?

Prank's on you.

- Perfect prank.
- You should have seen your faces.

- That was amazing.
- I just have to make a quick call.

You got to prank me
next. I got you good.

What a laugh.

Take them down. Take them all down.

♪