01x01 - Leonardo Leonardo Returns and Dante Has an Important Decision to Make

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer]

[Door Bell Ringing]

Hello? Hello?

I wanna get some smokes.

[Rattling]

- Is anybody here?
- [Man] Is it safe?

- Is what safe?
- Is it safe?

Yes... it's safe.

- It's very safe.
- Is it safe?

- Listen, are you gonna
come out or what?
- Is it safe?

This isn't funny.

[Man #2] It puts the lotion on
its skin and puts it in the basket.

[Man #1] Shut up, man.
Is it safe? Is it safe?

Stop it!
I just want some smokes!

- [Sobbing] I just want some smokes!
- Is it safe?

- [Screaming]
- [Engine Starting]

[Tires Screeching]

[Screaming]

Thirty seconds.
You owe me five bucks.

- I don't have five bucks.
- Take it from the register.

[Screaming Continues]

[Telephone Ringing]

[Announcer] Clerks is filmed
before a live studio audience.

[Ringing Continues]

- Hello? What?
- [Voice Speaking Rapidly]

No way.
It's my day off!

[Sighs]
Fine. I'll be there.

[Cattle Lowing]

- Are you open?
- How much are these muffins?

Can you guys vulcanize my tires
while I wait?

- Same as it ever was.
- [Dings]

Nothing exciting ever happens
in this place.

[Fireworks Whistling]

All right, who did it?
'Fess up or I start calling parents!

- What were you thinking, Silas?
- I-I'm sorry, Mr. Dante.

They-They said you
wouldn't care...

because your expectations
for a fair deal have been dulled...

after years spent
at this soul-crushing,

less-than-minimum-wage
hellhole.

You got me there.
But where did you get this stuff?

Step right up and throw down some bucks
at Jay and Silent Bob's TNT-Redux!

Naga-nooch!

I'm a poet and I didn't even know it,
Silent Bob. Snoogans.

Are you crazy? These kids could
really hurt themselves with this stuff.

Hurt themselves? Heck, man,
they could blow their hands off!

See this? This is an M-80, my brother.
A quarter stick of dynamite,

which means
four of these bad boys...

equals, like,
two sticks of dynamite, man.

Are you sure
I'm ready, Doctor?

I don't know if
it's safe or not yet.

What did we learn,
Albert?

It's safe.
It's very safe.

- [Screaming]
- [expl*si*n]

Beat it,
before I call the cops.

Come on, Silent Bob. Let's go find
that kid in the helmet. He's loaded.

Oh, my God!
Call the cops!

I just freed myself from
a madman's subterranean prison!

He's been holding me c*ptive,
which is why I'm a little late
opening the video store.

I can describe the dank cage
for police artists.

There were walls,
there were doors.

[Sobbing]
I can't relive it.

Don't make me!
I'm begging you!

- What are you doing here?
- It seems someone told the boss...

I needed to work more hours
for college credits.

- Wasn't me.
- I didn't say it was.

- Well, that's good, because I--
All right, it was me.
- Very smooth.

This guy's been waiting
all morning.

How about you go open up
the video store and earn your keep?

"Earn your keep."
You talk like such a 'mo sometimes.

- You, move it.
- You're three hours late.

And so are these.
There's gonna be a late charge.

Hey, hey, hey!
I'm walking here!

I haven't seen panic like this
since they renewed Two Guys,
A Girl and a Pizza Parlor.

[Announcer]
Wednesdays at 8:00 on ABC.

- What's going on?
- Don't you know?

- He has returned!
- Uh-oh. Jesus?

Better!

- Leonardo Leonardo has returned!
- [Door Bell Ringing]

- And he is?
- You've never heard
of Leonardo Leonardo?

Hey, man, we've got our fingers
on the pulse of this community.

So I ask you, who the hell
is Leonardo Leonardo?

[Woman]
Who the hell is Leonardo Leonardo?

It's a question asked by
the poorly educated...

with fingers far from
the pulse of the community.

- You're poorly educated.
- You're talking to the television.

[Woman Continues]
It all began in the early 1800s,

when Leonardo's great grandfather,
Bernardo Leonardo,

bought our town
from the Indians...

for 14.8 million dollars.

But it was
Leonardo Leonardo himself...

who led his
now-legendary expedition...

into the fabled Canadas,

long thought to be
uninhabitable by evolved man,

and brought it to its knees.

[All Screaming]

And he soon accumulated
the vast Leonardo fortune...

by acquiring
Canadian mineral rights...

in exchange for
the debilitating polio virus.

Ouch!

But what could Leonardo's
homecoming have to do...

with the mysterious
tented structure...

that has captured our imaginations
over the last few minutes?

That's new.

- [Bones Cracking]
- [All Gasping]

Okay, good.
Now remember, L.L.,

we've got two minutes
for the intro...

if you're going to make your


We couldn't get
Entertainment Tonight?

Hmm.

- Simple folk of Leonardo,
- [Microphone Feedback]

- I have returned!
- [Applause]

After years abroad and seeing
all there is to see in New Jersey,

schooled at Eton
and Oxford, New Jersey,

I am come to stay!

Behold!

Leonardo Tower!

I find it hard to believe
that no one noticed that either.

It looks like a big bong.

Hey, that looks like
a big bong too.

For too long,
the miserable corner store...

has been a haven for
ludicrous price-gouging...

and rude,
poorly trained clerks--

- You think he's talking about us?
- No.

with names like
Dante and Handel.

- Randal!
- Today marks the dawn of a new era.

I give you,
the people of Leonardo,

the future!

[Man Coughing]

It's a new
convenience store!

Quicker Stop!

- Eh? Yes?
- [Applause]

This doesn't bode well.

"Quicker Stop."
I don't get it.

Now, that's the ugliest
damn bong I've ever seen.

[Dante]
Look at this place.

[Leonardo Over Speaker]
Welcome to Quicker Stop,
the home of convenience and quality,

only quicker.

Plus, a selection of
high-end adult magazines.

While you're here,
shop in our best-seller department,
complete with its own coffee bar.

Or drop by our music shop,
also with its own coffee bar.

Or perhaps you'd rather visit
our international coffee bar,

complete with its own
little book department,

which has its own
super-teeny-tiny coffee bar inside...

and a selection of
tiny adult magazines.

And finally, as you enter
the Hall of Mirrors,

you might notice
you're not alone.

For you see,
I'm shopping with you.

[Screaming]

The dead live!
[Screaming]

- [Screaming]
- Sir, your change.

Phase One complete!

[Chuckles, Sighs]

- I think we're in trouble.
- I don't.

[Randal] We're ruined.
Ruined! What are we gonna do?

Help us.
We're going to starve.

Uh, the guy who owns
the butcher shop?

No, listen.
"We're ruined!

Who will feed my children?
They're dying!"

Ohh! Mr. Scinto,
the card shop guy.

Bingo. You know, I always
said this job would be great...

if it weren't
for the customers.

That Quicker Stop is the best thing
that ever happened to us.

- I'm startin' to agree.
- [Telephone Ringing]

- Yeah? Okay.
- [Voice Speaking Rapidly]

Boss says he's shuttin' the store
permanently. The video store too.

What? Why?

I have no idea,
but I've got a plan.

This is your plan?
"Pay as you exit"?

Isn't that what the customers
were doing already?

Kind of. I guess.
Shut up.

"Pay as you exit."
Sweet deal.

You're right,
Silent Bob.

Besides, we've got some bad news that's
gonna rock their feeble clerk world.

- I can't even imagine.
- Listen up. We quit.

- You don't work here.
- Not anymore we don't.

This is
an official notice.

From now on, Silent Bob and I
will be officially standing
in front of the Quicker Stop.

Officially.

- We'll be over here if
anyone comes looking for us.
- Okay.

- Just send them over.
- Fine.

- Hey, either of youse guys
wanna buy some fireworks?
- No, thanks.

- So, now what?
- Hmm.

Okay, that comes to 37 cents.

- I have a coupon.
- Nineteen cents.

[Beeping]

L.L.?

Uh--
[Clears Throat] L.L.?

I don't understand
these instructions.

It didn't look like this
in the catalog.

Sir, I'd be happy
to order you a desk.

Maybe a nice antique one.
Hmm?

Why don't I just throw
my money out the window? Hmm?

I think I'll stick
with Ikea.

The Blork. Bleached oak.
Seventy-nine dollars.

Now, where did I put
that dowel?

- Sir, the Quick Stop sales
have spiked over 1000%.
- Let me see that!

Bring this Quick Stop to me.

- Sir, it's a store.
- Bring it!

How about the two kids
who run it instead?

All right... for now.

Gentlemen, welcome.

Thank you for accepting
my invitation.

What do you think
of my desk?

I made it myself.

And I have
all these pieces left.

Uh, it's... great.

- You think so?
- Sure.

- Right, Randal?
- It's a piece of crap.

[Laughing]
Very good.

It looks like it was built
by a "re-re."

Delicious.
It does, doesn't it?

[Forced Chuckle] And this whole
stupid building in the shape of an "L."

Why? In case
you forget your initials?

That was uncalled-for.

Man, what is the matter
with you?

Despite Mr. Hicks'
lashing out,

I want to offer you a job
working here for me.

I want you
lock, stock and barrel.

- Is this some sort of gay thing?
- No.

- You're sure?
- Yes.

I'll start you both in my
management trainee program,

which includes medical,
stock options...

and full enrollment
at Rutgers College while you train.

- College?
- [Man] Sir, it's
your call from Canada.

I'm sorry. The window
for getting a call into Canada
is only open once a week.

Mr. Leo!
Mr. Leo!

[Loudly]
Good day, Your Highness!

- I don't believe it.
- I know.

College.
It's a dream.

- How could he take a phone call
in the middle of our meeting?
- Oh, no.

No, it's not evil spirits.

It's just rain.

Rain! Fine.
Try and k*ll it.

Children.
Now, where were we?

I've got news for you,
Leonardo Leonardo,
and the headline is "Shove it."

We don't want your fancy,
life-changing, career-starting,

moving-out-of-my-parents'-house
college education.

We're happy at the Quick Stop.

I see.

Well played.

It was a mistake to think
that I could buy you.

- No, it wasn't.
- Oh, that boat has sailed.

Soon, your store and all the other
stores in Leonardo will be gone,

and you will wake up to find that
downtown Leonardo has been replaced...

by a north-of-the-border
theme store!

- No! Wait. What?
- No!

Canadian goods, available
in the States for the first time.

- That doesn't seem so bad.
- Not yet!

But then, Leonardo will become the
premiere tourist destination in Jersey,

and that will lead
to Phase Two:

A domed pleasure paradise!

- It's just an empty table.
- Well, the dome model
is coming tomorrow.

- Sure it is.
- No, really. I ordered it yesterday.

- From where?
- A store.

It's in Canada.
You've probably never heard of it.

[Cat Screeching]

I'll bet he never ordered
the dome.

- You know, he offered us college.
- Don't you get it?

I've never seen anything
more clearly in my life.

Leonardo Leonardo
must be destroyed!

[Leonardo]
I can hear you, you know.

It was Dante.

That was a fun day.

[Car Departing]

[Dante]
What exactly are we doing here again?

We need evidence
to expose Leonardo,

and there's only
one place to get it.

Come on, old chum.

We're almost there.

Why are we walking
like this?

[Grunting]

This... is... better?

- What are you doing?
- When Cortez reached the New World,

he burned his boats
to encourage his men.

- So?
- I'm sure we'll find a way out. There.

- The Maze of Death.
- What?

- What about that one over there?
- That could be anything.

I think we should go
with that maze thing.

- The Maze of Death?
- That's the one.

- Let's go. [Screaming]
- [Screaming]

Oh, God.
We made it.

- I thought the Minotaur had you.
- And that Billy Crystal/Robin Williams movie?

- [Shuddering]
- [Jay] Ew!
Youse girls wanna be alone?

How did you get into
Leonardo's office?

- Who the hell's Leonardo?
- What are you doing here?

Lookin' for M-80s. Duh.
What are youse guys doin' here?

Looking for something
we can use against Leonardo.

Hey, this outlines every stage
of Leonardo's plan, point by point.
Let's go.

- Is there a quicker way out of here?
- Out of where?

Good God, that last scene was quick.
Stop the meeting!

- We have evidence.
- Leonardo Leonardo is trying
to turn the town into a--

A domed pleasure resort town
where the people of Leonardo...

will work underground
as mindless sl*ve drones
and live off the crumbs of the rich.

[Crowd Chanting]
Crumbs! Crumbs! Crumbs! Yea!

- Do something.
- Wait. There's more
Leonardo isn't telling you.

Listen to this.
Phase Three:

Flooding the underground
and drowning all the workers.

But then who will operate the machinery
to keep the pleasure dome running?

Phase Four: An army of robot workers
to replace the slaves.

But what if the robots united
and rebelled against Leonardo?

Phase Five: An army of
highly intelligent apes...

move in and quell
the robot insurrection.

But what if the apes
are pacifists?

Phase 24:
The virus,

while not affecting anyone in the dome,
destroys all the chickens.

That may well be,
but where will he get eggs?

Phase 39:
Robot chickens.

Phase 63: The dome launches into space
and nukes the earth from orbit.

It's the only way to be sure.

My God!
Leonardo is a monster!

- We have to stop him!
- Wait a second.
Do you live in Leonardo?

No, New York City.

I'm on my way to the beach,
and I stopped to use the bathroom.

- I guess it's kind of our last night.
- Let's do something special.

- Pfeifer?
- Pfeifer.

[Man On TV] And now it's time
for America's number one TV show,

The Secret Diary
of Desmond Pfeifer,

on America's
number one network, UPN!

President Lincoln, someone
is trying to open...

a new Whiter House of the future right
across the street and drive us
out of business.

I've seen this one 1000 times.
It won a Humanitas.

- What's that?
- An award for TV shows that
don't use words like "Ret*rded."

That's Ret*rded...
and q*eer.

Hey, this is the one where Jefferson
Jefferson tries to destroy Washington...

by opening a White House
of the future.

- A classic.
- Totally classic Pfeifer.

Wait a second.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Urinating in the frozen food section
and watching it steam up? Oh, yeah.

No! Desmond Pfeifer.
It's just like us and Leonardo Leonardo.

It is
strikingly similar.

The only difference is if Desmond lost,
he'd go back to being a sl*ve.

You're right. The stakes
are much higher for us.

All we have to do is what Desmond
did to stop Leonardo. Now, watch.

First, Desmond wears a dress
and pretends to be a rich widow. Then--

- It worked.
- Get these handcuffs off me.

We've got you, Leonardo.
Your confederate plans are thwarted!

And I bet you're shocked
to see your beloved fiancee...

is none other than I,
Randal.

- I knew it all the time.
- Ew.

You may have won this round, but as
long as Quicker Stop still stands,

I win.

Oh, man. We forgot. Desmond blows up
the White House of the future.

Youse guys wanna buy
some fireworks?

Nice dress.

- How did you find out about the plan?
- What plan?

I hope there are
no hard feelings, sir.

Well played, clerks.

I underestimated you once,
but never again.

I vow that my vengeance
won't be swift or entertaining.

I will draw it out over decades
in such a subtle fashion...

that you'll have to wonder
whether the misery in your life...

is either manifest or the machinations
of Leonardo Leonardo...

or a third thing.

Good evening.

You know, you and I are far fonder
of this town than we ever let on.

And even "farrer" fonder
of our crappy jobs. Go figure.

Tonight, we showed more
pluck and industriousness...

than we've ever thought
ourselves capable of.

We were able to affect
major change in our lives.

Things will never be
the same again!

- Can you guys Vulcanize tires
while I wait yet?
- No.

[Scoffs]
Haven't you guys learned anything?

[Clears Throat] Me and Silent Bob
would just like to announce...

that we'll now be officially hanging out
in front of these stores again.

Officially.

Oh, yes.
Snooch to the nooch.

- Let's turn in so we can
start hiking early.
- Shouldn't we clean up?

- Nah, let's just leave it
for the morning.
- [Jay] Hold it, kids.

[Girl]
Oh, my God! It's Jay and Silent Bob.

- Hi. I'm Jay.
- And I'm Silent Bob.

And I'm Charles Barkley.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Kids, if Silent Bob could talk, he'd
remind you that when you're camping,

it's always smart to tie your food up
in the trees at night...

so as not to attract bears.

- Word.
- Wow. Let's do it.

Thanks, Jay.
Thanks, Silent Bob.

- Sure.
- No problem.

- So the next time you're camping--
- Bear this tip in mind.