01x07 - Dotting the I's

[bunniefuu]

TWO HOURS BEFORE THE SCREENING

I'm a bit, uh, stressed out
about the screening, obviously.

Also because I haven't seen Jean-Marc
since, uh, the end of the sh**t.

Whatevs.

I know he's always on time,
so he must be around here somewhere.

I'll call him.

[phone ringing]

Yeah, Raph? What do you want?

- Hi, Jean-Marc.
- I thought I told you not to call me.

Yeah. I know, I know. But, um...

I was thinking, since we're gonna
see each other at the screening tonight...

Well, maybe, uh...

Wh... where are you?

I'm just at my place.

Chilling.

Getting ready.

Putting on a suit, eating sushi.

Oh, come on. Where'd I put the
f*ckin' sauce? You're kidding me.

- [horn beeps]
- [man] Whoa!

- Who the f*ck are you beeping at?
- Shut up!

- What's your problem?
- My what?

- Stupid old fart!
- Hey! I didn't do it on purpose. Relax!

- Whoa!
- Is that you in the car?

What're you talking about?

Yeah, that's your car, I recognize it.
It has that... that penis on the door.

It's not a penis, okay? Come on.
It's the Ariane rocket taking off.

Uh. How did you, uh...

- Ah, there you are.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm right here!

- I see you.
- [sighs]

Okay, well, come on over then.

Pisses me right off.

- All right?
- Mm.

Oh yeah. I'm great.

Hey, Jean-Marc, are you...

living in your car?

Well, hey, pump the brakes there, okay?

Just 'cause I've got a camp stove
on the dashboard and three pairs of pants

drying on the back seat
doesn't mean I'm living in my car.

Thank you very much.

Yeah. Well, so what?

Fine, okay, you win.

I live in my car and I've got dandruff.
Happy? You know everything now.

- This is all your fault.
- Well, your dandruff isn't my fault.

Yes! I've got psoriasis on my scalp!

And that's caused by stress!

Look, Jean-Marc.

This is why I wanted to see you
before the screening.

I brought you this. It's...

- It's a check.
- You can't buy forgiveness, Raph.

- For four million euros.
- Huh?

Stop f*ckin' me around.

No, no, no, I'm not f*cking anyone.
It's a real check.

To say I'm sorry.

But, uh...

This is for me?

Of course, it's to cover all your losses.

And I added a few, uh,
a few hundred thousand to...

say I'm really sorry.

[buzzes lips]

[honks horn repeatedly]

Four million euros!

Yes! Four million. Come here! Come here.

Come here, oh, God. Oh, thanks.

- [whispers] Thank you.
- Look. I'm sorry.

[sobs, sighs]

Wait.

What did you do to, uh...

Ladies and gentlemen, I've got 5,000.


Maybe not for everyone.
[laughs] I'm kidding.

Yes. 7,000.7,000, going once.



Sold for 7,000 euros to the gentleman
in front, congratulations.

Excellent choice. Now, moving on
to the highlight of today's auction.

Lot 40.

A unique copy of Mein Kampf
with a dedication by Adolf h*tler

to Huguette Valande.

The bidding will start at 500,000.
That's 500,000 euros.





Remember, this copy
was personally signed by Adolf h*tler.


shaved-headed gentleman in the back.

Uh, no. No, no.

Ah.

Sorry. If you don't mind,

n*zi salutes are
not only totally inexcusable,

but on top of that, in this context,
it's causing confusion bidding-wise. So...

could you please... stop? Nein?

You know, nowadays, with, uh,

with blockchain,
if you bet on a good NFT, well then, uh,

next thing you know,
you've hit the jackpot.

Ah, yeah.
Those NFT things are something, eh?

Yeah, they are.

I also wanted to see you to tell you
I've been doing some thinking.

And I've come up with a plan.

- Remember when the set got destroyed?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I've had time to go through
the insurance file these last months.

And look at what I found.

See that?
There's graffiti we didn't catch.

You can see better in this one.

On "Karma Police," on the "i" of "Police,"

the dot of the "i" is kinda oval
and a little flat. Like that.

- That's not typical,
- Ah, I see. Yeah.

So I'm thinking, tonight,

if I can get everyone
to write something with an "i" in it,

we can compare the writing
and find the culprit.

Well, awesome. That's great.
And how're you planning on doing this?

I brought a little something.

[excitedly] Ahh!

I can't wait to see what it is.

This.

Ah.

- A pen and a blank notebook.
- A notebook.

Yeah.

Paff!

Super.

[suspenseful violin solo
over industrial percussion]

[transitioning into synth b*at]

[man] ♪ Fiasco! ♪

- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.

- [door creaking open]
- [footsteps receding]

Well, here we are.

Ready?

Yeah.

A DOCUMENTARY SERIES BY SLICE

[Raph] At least
after they've seen this documentary,

people will see
that it wasn't our fault, you know?

[Tom] Hey guys!

[Raph] Hi.

- [Tom] How ya doin'?
- Why're you walking like that?

'Cause I didn't come alone,

I came with my buddy Bartabé!

Hello! I'm cool, I'm cool!
[laughs] How are you?

You didn't think I'd leave you
with that excuse for an actor

who can't even buy his own lunch?

Wait. Hold on. How dare you?

You can't say that. Have so bought lunch.

You dumb rich f*ck.
What? What did you say?

Go on. Call me that again.
Take that, you piece of sh*t.

Ah! Ah! [gasps]

Hey. That's enough. Hey! Stop that.

Huh? Yeah, yeah. Just what I thought.

What do you mean?
Yeah, it was just as I thought.

- I'm the one who thinks around here.
- [Raph] Tom. Relax.

We get... We get the idea. You're...

It's cool.

I made up
all these little improvs for the, uh...

- It's cool. Fun idea.
- ...the after party.

To entertain people.

Jean-Marc, uh...

I brought you a gift. I mean, uh, Bartabé...

brought you a gift.

I'd like you to have this.

Well, I'm sorry. I'll have to take a pass.

I don't accept gifts
from people I don't know, pal.

Don't, uh, read much into that. It's...

It's gonna take him
a little time, that's all. 'Kay?

Yeah. I know.

- But this might be a good idea.
- Yeah?

Leave him a message in the guest book.

Maybe he'll read it once he's calmed down
and it'll make him really happy.

- So you're saying I should...
- Yeah?

...write a message for him here.

- Not a bad idea.
- I know.

- But with which hand, though?
- What do you mean?

Well, Bartabé's right-handed,

Tom's a leftie.

- And if I'm a bit emotional, my right...
- Hey, Tom.

- Just do whatever is easiest.
- Gotcha.

I'll use them both.

Okay, that's, uh...

definitely not the easiest way.

♪ Hey! Come on and dance
Tell me where we're going ♪

♪ Hey! Come on and jump
Let's go get some fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hey! Come on and dance
Tell me where we're going ♪

♪ Hey! Come on and dance
Tell me what your plan is ♪

♪ Tell me, tell me
Tell me where we're heading ♪

♪ Let's go, take me by the hand ♪

♪ And get, get, get
And get ready ♪

♪ Show me the city ♪

♪ Hey, I am ready ♪

♪ Show me the city ♪

♪ Hey, I am ready ♪

♪ Come on and dance
Tell me where we're going ♪

♪ Hey! Come on and jump,
Let's go get some fun, yeah ♪

- Hey, my boy, what a nice surprise.
- How are you, Eliott?

- I'm good, you?
- Yeah, I'm great.

I've got a guest book and I thought
it'd be nice if you could write something.

- Yeah, sure.
- But why should he?

- He really didn't do anything on the film.
- Sure, he participated.

He was around,
especially when things went to sh*t.

- I was in the concentration camp scene.
- He even had a role.

- Well, yeah. Now I remember.
- Of course.

[Magalie] Can I sign it too?

Thanks.

- No. It's not for traitors. Not worthy.
- [Magalie] What?

- Traitoress. Traitress.
- Traitress.

- T... Traitoress. That sounds really weird.
- No. Come on.

Raph, excuse me. I'm sorry,
I tried to keep you away from Ingrid

because obviously, you...
I did it for you, for your film.

- You needed to concentrate.
- Sure.

I trusted you
and you stabbed me in the back.

Hold on. When I found out about Jean-Marc
and Bartabé, I said nothing.

- What? Wait.
- Yeah.

You knew about that too?

Huh? Yeah.

[growls] You're a traitoress.

You're right. It sounds terrible.

- You see? It's weird, right?
- It sounds... Yeah, too weird.

You traitor!

- Yep. Better.
- Wait. I'm sorry. No.

Don't try and pull that on me, please.

What about all those fake bills
I approved to pay off the mole?

And those lies you told the crew
that I kept quiet about?

- Didn't I do that?
- Yeah, well, yeah.

- Thanks.
- Yeah.

Yeah, well... She's right, Raph.

She did do all that.

[gasps] Oh f*ck, boys.

Mm? Magalie!

Hey! Oh! Mm!

Magalie! I'm all for forgiveness,
but let's not go overboard here.

Shut up. It's Victor. He's single now.
I'm trying to make him jealous.

- [Jean-Marc] Okay.
- [Magalie] Ugh, he's with a girl.

- Who is that bitch? Oh, it's Ingrid.
- Oh f*ck, it's Ingrid.

- [Jean-Marc] Oh wow.
- [Raph] k*ll me now.

- Oh, f*ck.
- f*ck me, f*ck me.

- [Raph] They're coming. sh*t.
- [Magalie] Yeah.

Yeah, uh, here they come.
Someone say something. A joke, yeah.

Yeah, so I think, uh... Dude,
your pants are made of jelly, fuckhead.

- No!
- Yeah. Laugh. f*ck, laugh.

[both laugh]

Good one!

- That's too much. You can stop.
- Hey there. Hi, guys.

- Hello, Jean-Marc. Hello, Magalie. Raph.
- [all] Hello.

How are you?
We didn't see you, uh... come in.

- Did you meet coming in?
- No, no. We came together.

Ah.

Split cab, huh?

The price of... price of gas these days.
Much better taking a taxi.

- We did the same thing.
- No, we're staying at the same hotel, so...

Oh yeah? Same hotel?
They give you a group discount, did they?

- Half price?
- No, the same room.

The same room! Okay. Same, uh,
same room with two beds, heh. Twin beds!

- [Victor] No, no.
- Like summer camp.

We were in the same bed.

We're together. Ingrid and me.

- I'm done. Any other questions?
- Uh... no. No, that pretty much covers it.

I mean, um... It's all good. We got it.

[commotion out front]

[photographers shouting] Over here!

This way! Slice!

Slice, over here!

Thanks, Tom. [inaudible]

[woman] Over here, Slice! Right here!

- [man] Give us a smile, Slice!
- [man 2] This way!

- Wanna get a drink, huh?
- Absolutely.

- We're gonna head to the bar.
- Yeah sure. Go ahead.

- [Ingrid] See you later.
- [Jean-Marc] Enjoy.

- Yeah, see ya.
- [seductively] Yeah.

[Jean-Marc] I don't get it.
Did you not know they were together?

- You haven't seen her since the sh**t?
- No.

No, I never had the guts
to actually call her.

Are you still in love with her?

Hey, we're on a mission.
Gotta get everyone to sign this.

[Magalie] What is that?

Come, I'll explain it as we go. Come.

- [woman] Hello.
- Hi.

- Can I get you to sign this book for me?
- Sure, no problem.

Just a little souvenir.

[mysterious music playing]

[Tom] Knock it off with the sh*ts!

- Just go talk to him. It's easy!
- It's too late.

I had a window. It's closed.

- No way, the window is still open.
- It's closed.

Talk to him or you'll regret it
the rest of your life.

In sixth grade, I had a crush
on Anne-Sophie who was a year older...

- Right. I'm going.
- Yeah.

Yeah. well, I'm super stoked
because I just booked a huge role...

- Oh yeah?
- ...in the next Lassie movie.

Yeah. I'll be playing a French shepherd.

Oh, great. Wow.
I've never heard of that breed.

Well, no. It's not a dog,
it's a shepherd who's French.

- Ah.
- A white guy.

- Uh...
- I don't know if we can still say that.

Um. Sure...

- It's...
- Yeah, I know.

[chuckles] Well, now, uh...

- We can't say anything these days.
- Yeah. [clears throat]

- Thanks, Hervé.
- A shepherd who happens to be white.

- Thanks. See ya.
- Well, thank you, Raph.

- [Karim] "Best wishes."
- [Jean-Marc] Ah, yeah.

- Yes.
- [Jean-Marc laughs] Thanks.

- Wanna hold him? Here.
- No, no, we have to... Uh, yeah, sure, yeah.

There we go. [laughs] So cute.

Yeah! Oh.

He, uh, made a little poop, I think.

That can't be,
we just changed him a minute ago.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- Fresh diaper.

- A little me, huh?
- Ah, yeah. He's his mother's son!

[laughs awkwardly] Take him.

Yeah. Oh boy. He's so, uh...
Words can't describe it.

Have you signed this?

Ah!

Wow, sorry, I didn't think
you were, uh, coming.

Yeah, we were...

here, in Paris. So... figured
we'd see how this all turned out.

Yeah, we're all curious.

Because you know, uh,
I actually found your script at the farm.

- It was just lying there since the sh**t...
- Oh yeah? Sorry.

Anyway, I read it.

You did?

And I thought it wasn't bad. [chuckles]

And, uh, Chris won't admit it,
but he read it too.

And, uh, he also thought that it was, uh...

Well, he liked it too.

- I didn't think he would. But he did.
- Really?

- Hey, Chris.
- Hey.

Thanks. Thanks for, uh, for coming.

We were already here for our livestock
at the Agriculture Convention.

- Oh, right.
- Yeah, that's why.

Great.

Well, well done for the, uh...

the buffet and

- all this other stuff. It's great.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not, um... I didn't make...

Thank you.

What's that? A guest book?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's, uh,

for the crew.

Can I write a little something?

No, no. It's really only...

Well, yeah. It'd be a pleasure.

You did come out to the farm to...

Well, you sh*t there, and...

- Okay, yeah.
- In the house too. Huh? You were there.

Anyway, I'm sure that...

our parents are watching from below

and are proud of you.

But, uh, why from below?

Well, because they're buried underground.

They're dead.

Yeah. No, no, no.
I... [stammering] I know, but, uh, usually

the expression is watching you from above.

Yeah, well, they're watching
from above and they're proud of you.

Okay? And Mamie too.

No. Mamie is actually watching from below.

There's Slice. I want him
to sign my cap for my collection.

- [shrieks] Slice!
- Ow!

Fan, huh?

- There, that's fine.
- Sure. Yeah. Here.

[sighs]

Thanks.

Uh, I... I just wanted to say that,
uh, you... You know, your film?

- Yeah?
- Well...

- I... I...
- [poignant music playing]

always knew...

- ...that you'd f*ck it up.
- [music stops]

Heh.

- Later!
- Right.

And, uh, enjoy, uh...
[clears throat]...the show.

[clears throat]

[hissing] Raph! Raph!

We're good.

- Diego signed.
- Ah, super.

- Doesn't look like he's the one.
- Okay. At least we have everybody.

- Just need to compare the signatures.
- Everybody? Even Ingrid?

- No, no, we don't need Ingrid to sign.
- No, Raph! We said everyone.

- Yes, but I'm telling you, Ingrid...
- Raph, we agreed on a plan!

- If we start making exceptions...
- I don't wanna know. Okay?

I don't wanna know.

Why not?

Because if it's... if it's her...

If it's her,
I really have lost everything.

Exactly.

You need to know that it's not Ingrid
if you want to be with her.

You can't build your whole life on a lie.
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

f*ck's sake.

Go on. Go for it.

[Ingrid] Thanks very much.

Cheers. I really don't know
how this is gonna...

Excuse me. I'm sorry, but...

I wanted...

I wanted, uh, um, to talk.

- Took you a while.
- Yeah.

Uh...

Actually, I just wanted to

well, you...

you never signed

my guest book.

- And, uh, it's a shame that...
- Yeah, what are you up to with this book?

Hm?

I've seen you talking to everyone
and then scheming with Jean-Marc, it's...

What? No, no. I'm not scheming. It's, uh,

just for people
to jot down a few words, that's all.

All right fine, whatever. You're obviously
still lying, but I don't care anymore.

[door slams]

Jean-Marc?

Oh, for God's sake. Stop following me.
Don't you understand I don't wanna talk?

All right, we don't have to talk,
but please, um,

just take my gift. At least.

It's not like it's anything huge.
Not exactly the 4,000,000 from Raph, but...

Well, I wanted to apologize too.

Wow.

- So what is it?
- You like it?

It's a personal trimmer for your ear hair.

And it also works for the... the nostrils.
I noticed lots of... Yup, still there.

Lots of nose hairs.

Okay, that's great.
What is it you're trying to say?

When we kissed it kind of tickled me.

A bit.

Yeah, so?

Well, I thought if you trimmed them...

it'd feel nicer.

What would?

Well...

kissing you.

[Jean-Marc exhales slowly]

Oh, Jean-Marc.

[sighs]

I'm so sorry.

- I'm so happy to see you again.
- Yeah, me too.

[Tom sighs]

I'd been lying to myself this whole time.

I... I thought that, uh,
it was Bartabé that...

that sucked you off, but it was also Tom.

Actually, it was mostly Tom.

I know I've been lying like a rug
this whole time,

but there's no denying that, uh,

that blowjob was real.

I felt it too.

Yes. I knew it all along.

- You did?
- Mm-hm.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Listen, Ingrid.

- What I really wanted to tell you is...
- Look out! Whoops!

- [Raph] Watch it, geez! Be careful!
- [Magalie laughs]

- Raph, your leg... your... your leg!
- It's fine, don't worry.

- These pants don't stain...
- But they're on fire now!

- You're on fire!
- [screaming]

Someone help! He's on fire!

I'm fine! Where're the bathrooms?

I'm on f*ckin' fire!

[yelling]

[Jean-Marc] Raph, what happened?

- [Tom] What's going on?
- [groans with relief]

Nothing, uh... Things got heated
at the bar. f*ck.

[groans, sighs]

- You guys made up?
- [Tom] Yeah.

Oh, that's great, guys.

That's cool.

[Jean-Marc] And, uh,

where's the guest book?

It's, uh... Oh f*ck, the guest book!

Oh!

- Ah! f*ck! The book!
- [Jean-Marc] Wait, Raph. Wait, wait!

[panting]

Oh, f*ck. I don't believe it! Oh, f*ck me.

- [Jean-Marc] Ah, f*cking hell.
- Oh, f*ck!

What a f*cking shitshow.

We're never gonna know.

f*ck!

Oh, f*ck me, f*ck me, f*ck me.

Good evening everyone and thank you.

Uh, thank you all for coming.

Thank you so much,
it, uh, really touches me

and I'm incredibly proud
to show you Fiasco tonight.

I'm gonna try to keep the thank-yous
to a minimum, I know it can be boring,

but I really do need to thank my crew.

Some are with us tonight in the theater

and some are actually filming tonight.

Hi, guys. Kudos.

And I also have to give a shout-out
to Netflix, for sure, who decided to...

produce a series.

A documentary series that we'll watch
together in its entirety tonight.

And, um...

We can never forget
there are no great meals to be enjoyed

without, uh, amazing ingredients.

So I really need to thank,
uh, Raphael Valande.

Bravo!

I have a ton of respect
for the artist he is.

During the course of this making-of,
I saw the passion of a director

who fought tooth and nail for his film,
and who never threw in the towel

when faced with adversity.

So I would like
to dedicate this, uh, series to him.

That's it and now I hope you all enjoy it.
And we'll talk later. Thank you.

[audience cheering, whistling]

[applause dies down]

[Slice on screen] Whenever you're ready
Raphael, tell me... everything.

[sad music playing]

[sighs]

Honestly, I don't even
know where to start.

[Magalie] No, it's impossible
to sum up in just a few words.

The whole thing is absurd.

- Oh!
- [crowd laughs]

Aw, sh*t!

The ham is f*cked.

I wanted to know if...

if you happened to have seen
a red sweater on set.

You're about to see my sex tape.

Ah, I actually have something else
that's pretty cool to show you.

- Whoa. What's that?
- The Seychelles.

[Magalie] f*ck! They blurred it out.

That's me at the beach.

That is actually my p*ssy.

Ugh, what a drag.

Yeah, uh... Ba... Bartabé!

I'm telling you. This guy's amazing.

Ah! Paff! Bartab...!

- [Jean-Marc] Impressive, right?
- [Tom] Come on. Stop!

I'm sorry.

[Jean-Marc] You better believe it.

[Jean-Marc sighs]

If it isn't a French singer, I don't have
a chance. That's all I listen to.

I don't like English songs,
I don't connect to them.

- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hm.

No, no, they're French ones.
Uh... You'll know them and they're, uh...

- [laughs awkwardly]
- Oh yeah?

[man] Fiasco.

A DOCUMENTARY SERIES BY
SLICE

- [theme music playing]
- [crowd cheering]

♪ All private jets on an island ♪

- ♪ I might be a mess but I'm stylin' ♪
- ♪ It's a fiasco! ♪

♪ If they came for the drama
Let 'em stay for the Armageddon ♪

♪ They want a cape and some armor
High stakes, models, and weapons ♪

♪ Empty bottle prescriptions
Unscripted with lip injections ♪

♪ They want it all but the karma
But I'mma make sure it get 'em ♪

- ♪ It's a fiasco till the fame ends ♪
- [roar of applause]

- [woman] Bravo!
- ♪ Baby, who can blame them ♪

- Amazing.
- ♪ It's a fiasco and they can't win ♪

♪ I dare another actor
To face me out of makeup ♪

Thank you very much.

[music fades out]

Well, there you go. The only one
who didn't lose it all was Slice.

Looks like it. All that sh*t
we went through was a goldmine for him.

Apparently he's doing a making-of
in the US. A film by Nolan.

- [Raph] Really?
- Yeah.

DiCaprio, Kate Winslet,
bunch of A-listers.

- [Raph] You sure?
- Mm-hm.

Oh wait, uh,
Slice did sign the book, right?

Raph, did he sign the book?

No, no, he never signed it.

Wanda's cap! Hang on.

Scuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry, scuse me.

- Wanda.
- Hey. That was pretty good.

- Yeah. Gimme your cap.
- Hey!

Oh my God.
Look at the dot on the "i." It's oval.

It's him. f*ck me, it's him.

All right, listen. Now that we know,
we gotta be strategic.

- We have to stay calm, and then we're...
- m*therf*cker!

- Slice! You f*ckin' son of a bitch!
- [action music playing]

I'm gonna k*ll you!

Slice!

Stop!

- [Slice] Move! Move out!
- [cameraman groans]

[Slice] You okay? Raph, wait!

f*ck! Stop, Raph! Wait, let me just...

[Slice] Lemme go!

[Raph grunts]

[grunts, groans]

[sound of elevator arriving]

- f*ckin' piece of sh*t!
- [Slice] Stop! Raph, stop!

Fucker! [moans]

Wait! Stop! Stop! f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

Oh, f*ck!

- [music stops]
- [panting]

Come on!

Come on, you bitch!

Come on!

f*ck!

Are you still here? f*ckin' prick!

Bastard!

Yeah! Go ahead! Film this! Film this!

Let's get this on film!

[Raph] Come on, f*ck!

- Oh, it's you.
- Huh? Yeah.

Well, congratulations on your film.
Looks like you're still battling away!

Oh yeah. The part where... where the whole
set got destroyed? I felt so bad.

Yeah, I saw the movie.
Now f*ck off, if you don't mind!

- I just thought that was so awful.
- [mocking noise] All right, get lost!

- Well I never!
- f*ck!

- Go ahead! Film this.
- [man grunts]

Son of a bitch! Oh, f*ck, I'm sorry.
Sir, are you all right?

- Oh God.
- [man coughs]

- f*ck. Uh...
- [music resumes]

Wait here. Somebody help this man!
Help this man over here!

- Move, please! Get outta the way!
- [woman yells]

Help this lady here!
She needs help too! Can someone help?

Slice, you piece of sh*t!

[groans]

[Slice] Raph, wait!

[grunts] f*ck!

- [people shrieking]
- Why, Slice?

You ruined my life!
I never did anything to you, f*ck!

- I did nothing to you!
- It's not my fault! [yells]

Raph, wait!

[sounds of glasses smashing]

- [Slice growls]
- [music stops]

[high-pitched sound]

[moaning]

[panting]

Oh, f*ck!

[gasping for breath]

When I find this piece of sh*t,

I'mma f*ckin' k*ll him.

Bastard!

Oh, f*ck yeah! There you are, you f*ck!

Oh hey... Sorry. Here.

Nice one, Mag.

[door slams]

- [music resumes]
- [Raph] Slice!

Slice!

Stop!

[music stops]

[Tom] I got him! Raph, I got him!

[groans]

What'd you do to my friend, you prick?

[grunts]

[Tom coughing and moaning]

- Outta the way!
- [people scream]

Come on! This isn't over.

[Tom] Leave me, I'll only slow you down.

Come back, you f*ck!

Slice!

f*ck!

Stop right there! Stop!

- Wait!
- Stop!

Raph, wait!

- [both panting]
- [music fades]

It's not my fault, all right?

- It's not my fault.
- How the f*ck is it not your fault?

The emails, the blackmail!

The destroyed set! You did it all!

Huh?

The spark plug,
all that f*ckin' bad buzz, was all you?

No.

No. The bad buzz was your fault.

It's your fault, Raph.

What're you talking about?

- What are you saying, you son of a bitch?
- Raph!

You're the one on video with the mangos.

And Josephine's foot was your fault!

And so was the power failure.

You need to know that.

We made this project together. You and me.

Fiasco was all me and you.

And if I hadn't been there...

no one else would be here either.

[Raph] You're outta your mind.

Raph...

You know as well as me,

making a great story

needs a bunch of twists and turns.

And you gave me all the ingredients.

You gave me all the material to make a...

a great series.

All right, fine. Yeah, maybe I...

I nudged the story along here and there,
but I did it for the series.

I put my heart and soul into this project.

And you... didn't know how to do it
for your own film.

You made too many concessions.

You put too much attention on appearances,

so you derailed your film by yourself.

And I was just there to film it all.

[laughs quietly]

[exhales]

[sniffs]

[exhales]

[sniffs]

Yeah. You're right.

[sniffs]

[bar clangs to ground]

[whispers]

Scuse me...

a minute. I'd just like to say, uh,

a few words to, uh,

to my crew.

And my friends and family
who are here tonight.

Uh.

One small word, really,
very simple, but unfortunately I waited...

way too long to say it.

And, uh...

that word is "sorry," actually.

Sorry because I wasn't being straight
with you from the very start.

I thought that by doing that, I...

I'd seem more interesting
in your eyes or maybe more... more cool.

Maybe.

But I would love nothing more
than to be able to turn back the clock.

And to say to you...

Hi there.

My name is Raphaël Valande.

I'm 33 years old.

I come from a family of farmers.

My grandmother was a collaborator.

And I'm a fan of Elton John.

So,

there are those among you...

[piano playing
"Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word"]

Uh, no, no, not yet.

- Well, you said Elton John.
- No, but it's... Later.

Thanks.

I think this will probably be
the last time I see many of you.

Because that's life, and for some others...

Well, they... won't want to see me again.

So, uh, before I leave, I just wanna
sing a little song to all of you.

I love this song.

That's all.

- Uh, you can go ahead now.
- Right now?

- Yeah.
- Because you didn't say "Elton John," so...

All right.

Elton J... Elton John. [louder] Elton John.

[starts playing again]

He spoiled the surprise.

[Raph sniffs]

♪ What do I gotta do
To make you love me? ♪

♪ What... What do I gotta do
To make you care? ♪

♪ What do I do when lightning strikes me ♪

♪ And I wake up and find
That you're not there? ♪

♪ What do I gotta do
To make you want me? ♪

♪ What do I gotta do to be heard? ♪

♪ What do I say when it's all over? ♪

♪ And "sorry" seems to be
The hardest word ♪

♪ It's triste, so triste ♪

♪ It's a triste, triste situation ♪

♪ And it only gets plus en plus absurde ♪

♪ C'est triste, so triste ♪

♪ Pourquoi on peut ne pas talk...
Uh, parle it over! ♪

♪ That "pardon" seems
est le plus dur des mots! ♪

Merci.

- [Jean-Marc sobs]
- Merci.

[music continues]

[Diego slurps wine]

[applause]

[whoops and cheers]

[Slice] Greg! Greg!

Gimme the camera.
I wanna get a sh*t of the Eiffel Tower.

It'll be a great way
to end the documentary.

[Slice grunts]

- [woman screams]
- [thudding sound]

[Raph] What happened?

What's going on?

[Magalie] What? He fell? No...

- Oh f*ck, Slice!
- [tragic violin solo]

Oh my God.

Slice, no...

Oh, f*ck, no.

Oh God. Oh my God.

Oh, f*ck me!

[British man] What a fiasco.

♪ Get up on the scene
Let 'em play the reel ♪

♪ Take the money sh*t
Make a face to pay the bills ♪

♪ Pilot
All private jets on an island ♪

- ♪ I might be a mess but I'm stylin' ♪
- ♪ It's a fiasco! ♪

♪ If they came for the drama
Let 'em stay for the Armageddon ♪

♪ They want a cape and some armor
High stakes, models and weapons ♪

♪ Empty bottle prescriptions
Unscripted with lip injections ♪

♪ They want it all but the karma
But I'mma make sure it get 'em ♪

♪ It's a fiasco till the fame ends ♪

♪ A fiasco! ♪

♪ Baby, who can blame them ♪

♪ It's a fiasco and they can't win ♪

♪ I dare another actor
To face me out of makeup ♪

♪ I'll put that hammer to your mirror
Watch it cr*ck ♪

♪ See if the man in it won't break up ♪

♪ Snatch you at your interview ♪

♪ Make you swallow the mic
And the camera ♪

♪ Now you got that inner view ♪

♪ No need to front
If you don't want trouble ♪

♪ I'll bust your fun bubble
Slap you and your stunt double ♪

♪ Grab your manager and slap him too
See what a clap can do ♪

♪ To prove that I will literally
sh**t anybody just to laugh at you ♪

- [music ends]
- [British man] What a fiasco.