01x09 - Maxine Makes a Splash

[bunniefuu]

[PATRONS CHATTERING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[NORMA SIGHS]

- Oh.
- Here you go.

You got here just in time. I
thought I was about to die of thirst.

Well, we certainly wouldn't
want that, would we?

[CHUCKLES]

Deliciously dry.

- Kinda like the crowd in this room.
- [CHUCKLES]

Sit, join me.

I don't think that's allowed, ma'am.

Come on, sit.

Nobody will mind. Trust me.

Who are you?

Excuse me?

You've been serving me
these the entire season,

and yet I know almost nothing about you.

Tell me about the man
behind the martini.

- My name is Robert.
- Mmm.

And I grew up in Puerto Rico.

Tell me, Robert, do you...
you miss your family?

We don't speak.

[LAUGHS] Common affliction.

I only have one nephew
with a horrid wife.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

You needn't be.

Although I must admit, I... I
do get a little lonely at times,

rattling around that
big house all by myself.

I'm in need of someone
to perform certain tasks.

What kind of tasks?

All in good time, my boy.

The only thing I ask for in
return is complete discretion.

Are you the man for the job?

[CHUCKLES]

[MAXINE] Help!

[GROANS] Help! Help!

Where is everyone?

My so-called bosom buddies, leaving
me to just perish out at sea.

How could they?

- Are they all so obsessed...
- [KISSING, MOANING]

... with their tawdry little lives?

They've all forgotten about me.

Of course I'll say yes.

I just wanna make your life easier.

I know. Me too.

Sons of b*tches.

Or should I say b*tches
of b*tches. [CHUCKLES]

That's kind of funny. [CHUCKLES]

It's also sad.

So very sad.

- [SCOFFS] Don't they know...
- [PHONE RINGING]

... a forgotten woman is the
most dangerous woman of all?

[MAXINE] Because a forgotten
woman has nothing left to lose.

- [SIGHS] Oh.
- [RINGING STOPS]

Linda's not picking up.

You're my only friend left
in the world, Bernadette.

Unless you're just sticking
around to feast on my bones

like the rest of the
savages in this town.

Who are you calling?

[DOUGLAS] Maxine.

What are you gonna tell her? [CHUCKLES]

That you were swept up
in a h*m* raid?

sh*t! sh*t! What the hell was I...

Dellacorte residence, Mary
Meredith Davidsoul speaking.

Mary? What the hell are
you doing at my house?

I brought Norma home
from the boat party.

- Your wife left her to rot on the deck.
- [SIGHS]

What are you talking
about? Where is Maxine?

I haven't the foggiest. But
you need to scurry on home.

I'm late for my
consciousness-raising circle

and I don't think that my
consciousness... [STAMMERS]

should have to suffer because
your wife is a dreadful mess.

[SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

[CHEWS] You shouldn't eat chocolate.

Maxine didn't come home last night.

Maybe she's having an affair.

[SCOFFS] What are you
talking about, man?

Come on, you promised to be cool.

That's true. I promise
it won't happen again.

Good.

Because we both know if Maxine
found out, it would k*ll her.

I've been a fool, haven't I?

To think that an insignificant nobody

like me could ever be chosen for... Oh.

- Bernadette!
- [BERNADETTE SQUAWKS]

[PANTS]

Save yourself!

Tell my husband I love him!

[AIRCRAFT WHOOSHES]

[GRUNTING, GASPS] Oh!

[COUGHS]

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

Ahoy, spaceman.

Ahoy.

Are you okay?

- Are you?
- [LAUGHS] I am now.

You wanna come to a party?

What's that?

A party!

[GRUNTS] It's called the Beach...
Never mind, I'll explain later.

Swim towards me. I'll save you.

Thank you, sweet, small, baby
Jesus in the sky. [LAUGHS]

Mr. Diaz, I need to speak to you.

I told you to stay out
of that place at night.

- Yes, but I didn't know what you meant.
- What's going on?

I've met you before.

Yeah, I arrested you.

[LAUGHS] Oh, it's
great to see you again.

Uh, listen, uh, you think you
could help us get out of here?

- I'm sure my wife is worried sick.
- Mmm. I don't think so.

She's kinda preoccupied at the moment.

Preoccupied? What do you mean?

[REPORTER] Tell us more about how
you came across this lost mermaid.

Well, I just happened to be driving by,

and I thought I'd offer this
pretty little hitchhiker a lift.

She didn't seem too terribly dangerous.

What the hell?

Any plans to drop in
on the White House?

I'm sure the President would love
to offer his congratulations.

Well, sir, that sounds swell.

I would love to visit
the President. [SIGHS]

But I've been invited to a party
by this lovely lady to my right.

Well, the President's welcome
to come as well. [CHUCKLES]

- We got to get out of here.
- [MAXINE] It's the 50th anniversary

- of the Beach Ball.
- I know who to call.

Uh, excuse me, I need to make a call.

I'm gonna sing.

Wow. I would love to hear that.

[CHUCKLES]

[KISSES]

- [EVELYN SNIFFS]
- [EDUARDO GROANS]

Very good of NASA to bring both
of you straight to the studio.

[ASTRONAUT] Well, NASA
always loves good publicity.

- Sometimes it...
- I swear to God,

that woman is like a
cockroach. She has nine lives.

I thought you guys were friends.

She forced her way into my set.
That does not make us friends.

If you say so.

I do.

Let me cook you dinner tonight.

- Why?
- Because I'm an incredible cook.

Do you do this with a
lot of women at the club?

What do you mean "this"?

This, this, this.

If I remember correctly,
you asked me to kiss you.

And I loved every minute of it.

[KNOCKING]

- You expecting someone?
- [DINAH] Eddie, it's me.

- [KNOCKING CONTINUES]
- [GASPS]

The door is dead-bolted,
so I know you're in there.

Go away, Dinah. We're finished.
I meant what I said last night.

Oh, really? Well, did you
also mean what you said

when you promised to love me forever?

[EDDIE SPEAKS SPANISH]

I don't speak Spanish, Eddie.

Well, if that is how you really feel,

you can leave this condo
that I pay for. Immediately.

Leave me alone.

I hope you die in abject misery.

You certainly will.

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

- You were saying?
- I'm sorry. I...

She insisted on keeping us a secret.

I didn't want to, but I
think she was ashamed of me.

I meant what I said though.

Whether you believe it or not,
I'd still like to cook you dinner.

[CHUCKLES]

Just, uh, might have
to be at your place.

[SMACKS LIPS] Um, hmm.

I'm gonna have to get
back to you on that.

I'm just, um, gonna need
to check my... my book.

[MARY] Rescued by an astronaut.

That's the problem... [SIGHS]
... with this town, Norma.

Good people like us get the shaft,

but incompetent liars like
Maxine Simmons are celebrated.

That cat is worth $75,000,

- isn't she, Norma?
- Uh-huh.

If your niece isn't going
to make good on her word,

I have no choice but to
confiscate this old, stone puss...

for the Fibs.

- Who?
- [MAXINE] Hello?

Oh, f*ck.

[MAXINE] Douglas.

[SIGHS]

Mary.

Thank goodness you're back.

[SIGHS] Where's Douglas?

I can't keep track of
your entire family, Maxine.

Isn't your poor aunt enough?

Yes, I apologize. Th-Thank
you for taking care of Norma.

I'm just doing what decent people do.

I'm very sorry about
your ordeal, Maxine.

Thank you, Mary.

That astronaut is very handsome though.

Is he? [CHUCKLES] Hadn't noticed.

Uh, Mary?

Don't you wanna hound me about fibrosis?

Don't worry about it. We're square.

[DOUGLAS] Thanks for doing this.

I didn't know who else to
call with ready cash on hand.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I have to say,
I feel really weird about all this.

I totally agree, and I think I
should let you guys talk, so...

Yeah, that would be a good idea.

Yes, but I need to get out.

And you need to get out in
order f-for me to get out.

[ROBERT GRUNTS]

All right.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

You're sending me a lot
of mixed signals, Douglas.

I-I don't mean to.

We made a mistake, that's all.

I didn't want to take your money,

but I've decided I'm
going to take your money...

minus what I paid for your bail...
and go to New York to be a model.

That sounds like a really nice plan.

[SIGHS] Well, have a nice life, Mitzi.

You too.

[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]

- [ENGINE STALLING]
- [SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

No, no, no, no, no,
no. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

What I've learned is if
you wanna get noticed,

you have to make a big
gesture, like Maxine.

She probably pitched herself over

the side of that boat to get attention.

Well, we're making
counterfeit passports, Mary.

We don't need any more attention.

You done with your vow of silence,

or are you about to pantomime some sh*t?

I got hoarse from not talking,
so can you come talk to me?

Wow. You turned this around fast.

Well, jump in, make yourself useful.

Sorry, I-I can't. I'm
leaving for an ashram.

Well, say "hi" to Ringo.

I wish. I'm headed to Peru.

But everybody can stay
here as long as you'd like.

I'm leaving my checkbook, so have at it.

[GROANS] Pack up your beanbags
and get out of my house, hippies.

- I'm moving back in.
- Like hell you are.

I need a place to cook
dinner, so you, missy,

are gonna give this house back
to me right this very minute or...

Or you'll what? Call the police
and tell them I k*lled my father?

- [WHISPERING, MUTTERING]
- What are you going on about?

Doug got to me first.

So Doug is getting $2
million of Daddy's money.

And you are sh*t out of luck.

- Sorry, Evelyn.
- f*ck off, Mary.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill wine?

What... What the... Wh...
Where's my champagne?

What... What in the heavens?
Bu... [BREATHES HEAVILY]

Oh, Maxine. Oh, babe,
thank God you're all right.

Yeah. Well, no thanks to
you. Where have you been?

I told you, I had a
business meeting at the club.

A business meeting,

while I'm out there bobbing around
like a big piece of shark bait?

Couldn't you have sent
someone? The coast guard?

I would have taken a fishing pontoon.

- I didn't even know you were missing.
- [GASPS]

And I'm so sorry, Maxine.
I... I feel terrible.

Robert, this is not your fault.

[SIGHS] Listen, when I was out
there floating around alone...

[SIGHS]

... I... I just felt so terribly.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.

- Please know I meant well. I really did.
- Mmm.

Don't worry. Maxine,
please. It's okay. It's...

No, it's not okay.

Well, what kind of friend would I be

if I-I knew someone could hurt
you, and I didn't say anything?

- A-A bad friend.
- Exactly.

Hey, why don't you just
go on upstairs and relax?

- Relax?
- Yeah.

You want me to relax?
Relax? I can't relax.

I-I'm throwing the-the
party of my life in 48 hours.

I gotta go upstairs, and put my

leotard on and start blocking my number.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Relax.

Easy for you to say.

Relax with your business meetings
at the club. [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

- You're really good at that.
- Huh?

- Lying.
- What am I supposed to say?

- What?
- That I was swept up in a gay raid

telling our pool boy how I was
having an affair with her manicurist?

- Douglas.
- Mitzi,

- what are you doing here?
- [ROBERT] Oh, my God.

I've been hiding in a bush
waiting for Maxine to go upstairs.

- Why?
- My car won't start.

- [MAXINE SCREAMS]
- [ROBERT] Maxine.

- [DOUGLAS] Maxine?
- [MITZI GASPS]

- What's going on?
- [MAXINE] Ann.

- Maxine?
- Oh, my God. What happened?

Oh, I-I don't know.

She said she wanted to look
through Norma's s-scrapbooks,

and I found her like this.

- Well, she has a pulse.
- [MAXINE] Thank heavens.

Maybe she's just asleep.

- Mitzi?
- I'm gonna go call an ambulance.

Yes.

- Hi, Maxine. [CHUCKLES]
- [SIGHS] Oh, thank God you're here.

[STAMMERS] We need all
the help we can get.

[SIGHS] I don't know what
to do. [SHOUTING] Ann! Ann!

[MAXINE] Is she gonna be all right?

[ORDERLY] Hard to say, ma'am.
They'll have to run tests.

I'm sorry, but I really do have to go.

- What?
- I just stopped by to say goodbye.

I'm heading to New York City. [CHUCKLES]

Mitzi, you can't abandon me
before the Beach Ball. [CHUCKLES]

You're supposed to help with my number.

I can't stay. I gave up my apartment.

Nonsense. You can stay with
us. We have plenty of rooms.

Oh, I don't want to put you out.

We really need to get moving.

Okay. One minute. [SIGHS]

She doesn't want to put us out, Max.

Well, I don't care what either
one of you want. I almost drowned.

Maybe it's time to do what I think.

Hey, what are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm going with her.

I know what it's like to
be left for dead. [SIGHS]

Is that all you can do
when the chips are down?

Just gnaw at yourself? Stop it.

Mitzi, do me a favor and
give Douglas a clear coat.

- He needs to break the habit.
- Okay, we really need to go.

All right. Let's go then.

[ENGINE REVS, SIREN BLARING]

What's a clear coat?

[MITZI] These are the
worst I've ever seen.

- You must have a lot of stress.
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

Do you do this a lot?

No, this is the first.

No, not the manicure.

Oh. No.

You were the first too.

I find that hard to believe.

It's just f*cking Palm Beach.

Palm Beach didn't invite me
into the coat closet, Doug.

I told Maxine I didn't
want to come back here.

Now you're blaming Maxine?

No. No, I... I just didn't
want to disappoint her.

You're really easy to talk to, Mitzi.

- Manicurists and bartenders.
- Mmm.

We're good listeners.

Students of human nature.

Better tips.

Oh.

[MAXINE] Looks like we both
had a rough night, friend.

Oh, must be so hard to go through
this without any loved ones. [SIGHS]

Do you have any loved ones, Ann?

How about you tell me everything there

is to know about you when you wake up?

Deal?

Maxine?

[GASPS] Oh, my stars.

[INHALES SHARPLY] W... We just
keep running into each other.

We're in each other's orbit. I'm
sorry. Terrible. Astronaut humor.

- [CHUCKLES, INHALES SHARPLY]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERS] Who's your friend?

Oh, this is my friend, Onn
Haliday. [SCOFFS] Ann Holiday.

[CHUCKLES] She's a journalist. She
writes for The Shiny Sheet.

She's in a coma. She's
a journalist in a coma.

Golly.

Yes. [INHALES DEEPLY] Uh,
what are you doing here?

Oh, just had to do some blood tests,

'cause I'm not gonna be able
to get back to base. Hmm.

There's also this pediatric cancer
wing, and I just had to say hi.

Oh. Why can't you go back to base?

You invited me to a party in
a couple of days, remember?

You're gonna sing?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- I know this might sound silly.
- It won't.

Before I got the space bug... [SIGHS]

- ... I was a darn good piano player.
- [GASPS]

I-I'm sure someone like you
already has someone to accompany...

I-I-I haven't anyone.

I don't have someone to.

Oh, I would be honored... [CHUCKLES]

... if you would tickle my ivories.

All right. Groovy. What
song are you gonna sing?

["IS THAT ALL THERE
IS" PLAYING ON PIANO]

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ Is that all there is? ♪

♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪

♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪

Whoo! [CHUCKLES] That's
a perfect key. Thank you.

Okay. So, um, then my ball comes down.

Did I tell you I'm sitting
astride a giant beach ball?

- Far out.
- Yes.

Okay. Okay.

Um, showgirls cross, kelp
wipes, lower down the seahorses.

Oh, Mitzi! This is when
you push out my stairs.

And when you do that, I
want you to grapevine, okay?

Off stage left. And
make sure you grapevine.

I don't want you
shuffling off to Buffalo.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay,
um, then I descend.

Hold for applause. Oh, thank you.

[GASPS] Oh, and then bubbles.

Bubbles everywhere. It
starts raining bubbles.

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.
That's my cue for my speech.

"Thank you everyone. Thank you.

You might be asking yourselves,

'Who is Maxine Dellacorte?' Am I right?"

Oh, and I was thinking
maybe for this part,

I'd sit at the end of the
stage, make it more intimate.

Is that too much?

Maybe a little too much.

Oh. I appreciate your honesty.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Okay.

"Well, the answer is simple.
She's just a girl really.

A simple orphan girl from Tennessee."

Wait a minute. You're from Tennessee?

Yeah. Chattanooga.

Get out of town. Johnson City.

- You're joshing me. [SCOFFS]
- No, ma'am. [CHUCKLES]

[MAXINE] I don't detect an accent.

- [GRANT] I moved around a lot.
- [MAXINE] Huh.

Are you really an orphan?

[INHALES DEEPLY] Yes.

Uh... [SIGHS] ... my parents
left me in a washbasin

on the stoop of an orphanage
when I was six months old.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Eh. It happens.

- I was a foster kid myself.
- Now you're just yanking my beehive.

[CHUCKLES] I'm not, I swear.

Well, look at you now.

You went from foster child
to America's space hero.

[CHUCKLES] And look at you.

Born in a washbasin to
socialite of the year.

I don't think I was actually born
in the washbasin, but you never know.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Still.

- You're America's sweetheart, aren't you?
- [DOUGLAS CLEARING THROAT]

Let's take five, everybody.

Thank you, five.

[DOUGLAS SIGHS]

Douglas?

I don't like that guy.

- Astronaut Herkimer? But he's harmless.
- [PIANO PLAYING]

You're too naive, Maxine.

You don't see what's right in
front of your face sometimes.

I know astronauts. [SCOFFS]
I was a pilot, remember?

[TOM] Afternoon.

[PIANO PLAYING STOPS]

W-What are you doing here?

[MAXINE] Oh, Sergeant Sanka.

To what do we owe the...
this afternoon pleasure?

I'd like to introduce
you to Agent Clune...

and Agent Stevens.

Oh, well, hi, FBI.

Secret Service.

Oh.

President Nixon has accepted
your invitation, ma'am.

He'll be attending your party.

- Nix... [GASPS] What? Oh! [GASPS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, my. Oh, m... I'm
gonna plotz. [CHUCKLES]

He wants to congratulate
Astronaut Herkimer

on his extraordinary act of bravery.

He's a true American hero.

[LAUGHING]

What's all the hullabaloo?

Oh. The president is
coming. He wants to meet us.

- Us!
- [GRANT] Gee willikers.

- He's coming to the party.
- [MOCKING] "Gee willikers."

[MAXINE] Come here!
Oh, my Go... [LAUGHS]

[AGENT CLUNE] At precisely 9:00
p.m., the president will arrive.

- [MAXINE] Oh.
- He'll say a few words about

American exceptionalism as personified
by Astronaut Herkimer and...

[GASPS] Oh. Maxine Dellacorte.

At 9:10, you'll pose with the
president for an official photo.

No touching. At 9:13,
the president will depart.

Oh, well, he might want to stick
around for my musical number.

We saw the cottage cheese
on the way in. Nice touch.

- [CLICKS TONGUE]
- The president's favorite food.

- Mmm.
- Everything's coming up Nixon.

Major Herkimer already
has security clearance.

But you two... We have some issues.

Ooh. A folder. How official.

We were hoping you could
help us clear this up.

This is your John Hancock, correct?

Yes. What is this?

It's a petition from a
radical feminist organization

that says you support the
president being ejected

from office for warmongering
and general evil doing.

Trust me. I had no
idea what I was signing.

- Not much of a reader?
- No. [CHUCKLES]

But I can assure you... [CHUCKLES]

... I am not now, nor have I ever been,

nor will I ever be, a feminist.

That paper is... It's harmless.

[SIGHS]

Just like those ladies
reeking of patchouli

sitting across the street on
a bunch of corduroy beanbags.

Across the street?

Oh, they've absolutely
infested the Rollins Mansion.

Evelyn is beside herself.

Who's Evelyn?

- She's my best friend from the club.
- [GROANS] She's a pain in the ass.

[ROBERT] I guess you got your promotion.

[TOM] I'll be working the party as
the local law enforcement liaison.

All you had to do was sell out a
bar filled with men just like you.

[INHALES DEEPLY] I'm
sure you're a saint.

Your lifestyle has never caused
anybody else any problems.

Most days, I love my job.

Some days, I don't.

We both know there is
a right and a wrong time

to open your mouth.

Well... [SIGHS]

... now that we know my wife's
not gonna set her bra on fire...

- [LAUGHS]
- ... we done here, fellas? [SIGHS]

Not quite.

Your wife's not the only one
with a black mark on her record.

Oh, if this is about that
Perry Donahue business...

- [CHUCKLES]
- ... that has all been sorted.

That may be,

but we're referring to this
charge for gross indecency

and h*m* solicitation
with a Mr. Diaz.

- What in the darn tootin'?
- How do you know about that?

- That just happened.
- Douglas!

We're the Secret Service, sir.
It's our job to know the secrets.

- Douglas, what are they talking about?
- [BREATHES HEAVILY]

I-It's just a big
misunderstanding, Max.

See? Just a big
misunderstanding. That's all.

This doesn't mean the
president's not coming now, is it?

If it were up to me,

I wouldn't let the president
near this house of crooks,

but he really wants
to meet the astronaut.

Oh. [SIGHS]

An astronaut? Of course Maxine
found a way to upstage my engagement.

I honestly don't see
what's so special about her.

She does have a very nice house.

- That astronaut though... [MOANS]
- [RAQUEL MOANS]

I would like to measure his inseam.

Here, darling. Try this one.

Grayman, I thought this was for Evelyn.

Rumor has she can't afford it.

And congratulations are in order.

It's so strange.

I'm about to become a young trophy
wife to a fabulously rich man.

I should be happier.

- But Axel confessed some disturbing news.
- Not diseased?

Worse. A democrat. He was
Humphrey's biggest donor.

- Oh, darling. There are worse things.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Ah, just the woman I wanted
to see. Dinah, where are you?

- Over there.
- Come.

[DINAH] Yes, madam.

Thank you so much.

Gentlemen, have a fine day.

Drive safely.

What in the fires of hell's
pits is going on here?

I'm... I'm hanging on for... for
dear life to a splinter of driftwood,

and-and my husband and friend are
caught gay soliciting at a bar?

And you told me Douglas
wasn't your type.

- [INHALES DEEPLY]
- I'm not?

Of course not.

And that's not what we
were doing together, Maxine.

Okay. Well, what were
you doing together?

Answer me!

Well, he wanted to talk to me and, uh...

but he didn't know I was in a gay bar.

So I... I me... I mean, we... we...

Were planning a surprise
for you. For the Beach Ball.

There you go.

[GASPS]

You were thinking
about me the whole time?

You were the topic of conversation

- the entire night, Max.
- [MAXINE SIGHS]

Isn't that right, Robby?

- Robert. Right.
- Mmm.

I'm so sorry I ever doubted
you. [CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES]

Oh. I don't wanna cry and
mess up my makeup. [SIGHS]

Gotta go deal with those vultures
at Ceil Chapman who left me to drown.

- [SNIFFLES]
- Well, you look beautiful, Max.

- [ROBERT] Mmm.
- Excuse me.

[MAXINE SIGHS]

- [KISSES]
- [KISSES]

Thanks. [SIGHS]

I thought you were gonna rat
me out there for a minute.

You better find a damn
good surprise for my friend.

Yeah.

- Nice dress.
- You didn't come here

- to talk about my dress.
- No.

- What do you want?
- Just a little dating advice.

I'm new to the scene, and
you're clearly very successful.

A little birdie told me you were
dating a sexy tennis pro on the side.

Was that little birdie named Maxine?

Maybe. Yes.

If you must know, unfortunately,
it is over between us.

I was only marrying
Axel to maintain Eddie.

You have no idea how
expensive a lover is.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Ladies! I have an announcement.

I know. Yes. Surprised to see me,
considering you left me for dead.

[CHUCKLES]

But the lemons you gave me
have turned into lemonade,

because the president,
Mr. Richard Milhous Nixon,

is coming to the Beach Ball.

President Nixon is coming to your party?

He wants to meet the astronaut,
yes. [CHUCKLES] And me.

Astounding.

[CHUCKLING]

Should we really be clapping?

Nixon's bad, right? He's a bad person.

Mary, you have a shoelace

- tied around your brain.
- [GASPS]

He's k*lling innocent people, Evelyn.

Let's leave politics at
party's door, shall we?

We're all American patriots, yes?

Let me fetch your
dress. It is exceptional.

- Aw. [GASPS]
- Just like you.

Maxine, a word.

[DINAH SIGHS]

[EVELYN] We need to talk turkey.

I'm so happy to hear you say that.

I have had a few catering kerfuffles
at my house in the past few days.

I've taken on a
lover... [INHALES DEEPLY]

... and he doesn't know
I'm homeless or penniless.

But I've decided I want to keep him.

Maxine,

I learned something about myself

the night I stared into
that whale's bulbous pupil.

Oh, it's so funny you should say that.

I learned something too at
my all-night sojourn at sea.

[STAMMERS] Oh, let's say what
we learned on three. One...

I should be throwing the Beach Ball.

Well, as much as I
respect your sea change...

[CHUCKLES, INHALES DEEPLY]

... over my dead body. [SCOFFS]

I would be willing to co-host
as per our original arrangement.

For half the proceeds, of course.

Well, what if I refuse?

Well, then I'll just
call in a b*mb thr*at

and little Dicky Nix won't go to
Maxine's party-warty. [MOCK CRIES]

You wouldn't.

Oh. Try me.

I used to be a showgirl, sweetie.
We're made of grit and greasepaint.

Did you enjoy the Boone's
Farm and cottage cheese?

Who do you think phoned in those orders?

Well, it looks like the joke's on you

because the president happens
to love cottage cheese.

I can't wait to watch
him eat it at our party.

- Ow.
- Grayman,

have Dinah take off my custom

and charge it to Mrs.
Dellacorte's account.

We've come to an agreement.

- Hands up. This is a raid.
- Everybody, stay where you are.

[TOM] You have the
right to remain silent.

Anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law.

Who sent you?

You're under arrest for
threats against the president...

- Let's go.
- ... and aiding and abetting draft dodging.

Watch your head.

[KNOCKS]

Oh, hi.

Hey.

Gimlet? Keep it simple?

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLING] Hey.

You left your room.

I'm leaving the country.
I'm gonna go to an ashram.

- For how long?
- A year, maybe more.

So I wanted to say goodbye.

- Oh.
- Why?

[INHALES SHARPLY] I am
officially kind of a mess.

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, then come with me.

- What are you talking about? [CHUCKLES]
- Leave all this bullshit.

- Oh, come on, Linda.
- Robert, seriously.

Go where you can be yourself.

Go to New York City.

The riots at Stonewall are
gonna change everything.

[SIGHS] I can't leave Norma.

Doug and Maxine have that covered.

You know it's my fault
she's like this, right?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

No, you don't know. And
now I need a drink. [SIGHS]

- [LINDA SIGHS]
- Well, um...

[ROBERT] I haven't told anyone.

[INHALES SHARPLY] But
the night she almost d*ed,

I, um... I had a date,

and she didn't want me to go,

and we fought, and we fought bad.

- I was angry.
- [SCOFFS]

I left and I did it on
purpose. I wanted to punish her.

And when I came back, she
was laying on the floor.

She had tried to give herself a sh*t,

and apparently there was, uh,
an air bubble in her insulin.

[STAMMERS] I didn't even
know she was diabetic.

No, no one knew. She doesn't
want anyone to know she's weak.

Robert. Don't do that to yourself.

Don't do what I did with my dad.

Just let go of the guilt.

Linda, I don't like the
outside world like you do.

[CHUCKLES] I just want a simple,
kind of protected, safe life

and she's offered me one.

It's beautiful in Palm Beach.

And you think you feel
safe here with Norma.

But this town's all about hiding,

and the hiding doesn't make you safer.

The outside world always
has a way of finding us.

Until it does.

Until it does.

[GASPS] Mi amor,
congratulations on your president.

Oh, thank you, Raquel.

Maybe he'll be the first
member at the new club.

- Beg pardon?
- Didn't you hear?

Douglas and Pinky are
building a brand-new club.

It's gonna be bigger and better
than the crusty old Palm Royale.

Wait, wha... what new club?

The new club that's
gonna be at your house.

My house?

Your house. Norma's house. Doug's house.

What's in a name? It's our house now.

[LAUGHING, VOCALIZES]

What are you talking about?

Douglas!

There she is.

[CHUCKLES]

You didn't give away our house
without talking to me about it first,

did you?

- Honey... [SIGHS]
- No, no, no. Don't you "honey" me.

Did you? [BREATHES SHAKILY]

I was going to tell you about it

but then you went overboard.

Don't... Don't you dare put
this on me. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

Oh, I can't believe I thought
this time was gonna be different.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] You
f*ck up. I clean up.

We move and start all over.

I actually thought if
I gave you all of this

then maybe... maybe you'd change.

Max, I'm trying to not f*ck up.

- I... I did this for us.
- [MAXINE SIGHS]

It doesn't feel like it.

Honey, you deserve to
be queen of Palm Beach.

Queen of Palm Beach?

[SCOFFS] Says the man who made
sure I wasn't Miss Chattanooga.

Oh, hi, Mary. Where is everybody?

They took them to jail.

They rounded them up in a paddy wagon.

Those bastards.

Do you know why they
call it a paddy wagon?

Because it's padded.

I don't think that's the reason.

No, I know this van.

[SIGHS]

My husband, David Davidsoul, put
me in... [SCOFFS] ... one of those

a couple of times a year.

Oh, yes. If I even made
a noise in the house,

- David would call the paddy wagon.
- Oh.

And this is all Richard Nixon's fault.

I'm not following.

If Nixon wasn't coming
to Maxine's party,

the secret service wouldn't have
rounded up our lady warriors...

- We could have protested.
- We could have k*lled him.

What?

k*lled him. Mm-hmm.

And we still can.

Oh, uh, wow, Mary. Um...

Didn't you say that he was responsible

for the deaths of thousands? [SCOFFS]

I'm sure your heart's in the
right place. But trust me,

you do not want to be the woman
seen as crazy in this town.

You will lose the only power you have.

You're sounding very patriarchal.

I'm not trying to oppress you.

Obviously, you're not
thinking clearly right now.

For the first time in my life,
I am entirely clear-headed.

Oh.

Well, I don't wanna
have to call the cops.

[SCOFFS] Neither do I...

want you to call the cops.

So, you're not gonna do anything rash.

Right.

Promise?

Of course.

[INHALES SHARPLY] I think the
season has gotten to me. [SNIFFS]

[SIGHS] Oh, maybe I
need a little vacation.

[CHUCKLES] Perhaps I'll visit Panama.

- Or Peru.
- Sure.

Okay, Mary.

- I'm sorry, Linda. I am so sorry.
- [STAMMERS]

[MARY GROANS]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHUCKLES]

I hope it's okay I got
here a little early.

Just wanted to go over it one more time.

I get nervous, well, before anything.

Really? You?

[SIGHS] I wish there was a term
for always feeling like an impostor.

Seem pretty straightforward to me.

[CHUCKLES]

[PLAYING CONTINUES]

I remember when I was a little
boy, staring up at the moon.

[CHUCKLES] I stood in the
yard, shivering in my pajamas.

[PLAYING STOPS]

Is that a woman's face I see?

- Or is it made of cheese?
- [CHUCKLES]

And I thought to myself, "Is
that all there is to a moon?"

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- [INHALES SHARPLY] You're funny.
- [PLAYING CONTINUES]

You're sweet.

I love the piano.

I always wanted to play it in pageants,

you know, for the talent portion.

But I learned how to escape instead.

[CHUCKLES] I'm sure you're great.

- Maybe you just need the right teacher.
- [CHUCKLES]

Here. Come on, play.
Come on, play with me.

Yeah.

- Ooh. [CHUCKLES] Okay.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[MAXINE CHUCKLES]

See, you're great. You don't need me.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I'm sorry. Did I read the signals wrong?

Um...

signals?

My hero.

The invitation.

I mean, this song.

Isn't this a metaphor
for your dying marriage?

[STAMMERS] Oh, this song
is about accepting your fate

for better or worse. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Grant, I...

[SIGHS]

I love my husband.

Where you going?

I need some fresh air.

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES SHAKILY]

[KNOCKING]

Hi.

Hi.

You're leaving?

Yeah.

Look, I, um...

I used to be a secret too with Skeet.

He didn't want anyone to see me.

But now I think I kind of
want people to see me with you.

I... [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES] Ah,
hell. I'm not very good at this.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Do you wanna go to a party?

Yeah.

[GASPS]

[NURSE] Ms. Holiday. You're okay.

Where am I? What happened?

We need to check your pancreas.

There could be a tumor.

Your body was flooded with insulin.

There's no f*cking tumor.

[STAMMERS] Ms. Holiday, you're
lucky to be alive. [STAMMERS]

- Here. Hold that.
- [STAMMERS] Ma'am.

Ma'am. You're still hooked.

Get these damn things
off. I'm on deadline.

I gotta put my pants on. Oh, my gosh.

[DOUGLAS] Here. Let
me help you with that.

You know why sometimes
it's so hard for me to see

what's right in front of my face?

Because for years, all I would
see when I'd look in the mirror

was a girl that nobody loved
enough not to leave her behind.

I love you, Max.

From the minute I first saw
you, I knew you were a star.

I'm the one who couldn't keep up.

- [SCOFFS]
- For 20 years,

I've been waiting for
you to figure that out.

[SIGHS]

You're right. I've been selfish.

I should have told you about Pinky.

I was just trying to make good.

Oh, well...

Douglas, you are good.

You are, and I love you,

and you're everything to me.

And I need you to know that.

Is there something else
you're not telling me?

I didn't sign our house away.

Really?

Oh. Oh, thank God.

- You're the only one who can do that.
- [SIGHS]

You're Norma's conservator.

I... I can't do anything without you.

Let's not talk about this tonight, okay?

Let's pick it up tomorrow.

- [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- What's that?

This is something I should have
given you in Chattanooga 20 years ago.

[GASPING]

Oh, Douglas.

- [BREATHES HEAVILY]
- Ah. There's my queen.

Oh. [BREATHES HEAVILY]

[KISSES]

It's beautiful. Oh, Douglas. [CHUCKLES]

Guests will be arriving soon. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

- [SIGHS]
- I love you, Max.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, Robert.

Norma, you're standing.

Tell no one.

I have a little something special
planned for the ball tonight.

What are you planning?

In good time, my boy.

In good time.

[CHUCKLES]