06x10 - Campaign U-Turn and a Hard Write

[bunniefuu]

We are gathered here today

to commemorate Jackie's
retirement from The Lunch Box

and the smooth transfer
of power to Harris.

[cheers and applause]

Ever since I was
a little girl, I had a dream.

And it d*ed with a lot of others.

And then this came along,
so thanks, everyone.

This is also a significant occasion

because Jackie is
the first member of the family

ever to retire.

[cheers and applause]

- [laughs]
- You're absolutely right.

Generations of Conners
have been shunned,

exiled, run out of town on a rail,

and k*lled in industrial accidents

where liquor was found to be a cause.

But never... never retired.

- There we are.
- [cheers and applause]

Wow, sis. Look at us,
burger slinger and janitor.

Who'd have thought we'd both
be living our dreams?

I'll tell you who,
your mother, the lunch lady.

- Speech! Speech!
- No!

- [together] Speech!
- Yes, speech!

No, no, I wouldn't
even know what to say.

- Oh, God.
- All right.

Okay, I'll skip to the last card.

"Happy and excited
because retiring will give me

what I want most, spending
more time with Neville."

- BOTH: Aww.
- [laughs]

I would also like to announce,

I finally hired a new vet
to cover me at the clinic

so Jackie and I could spend as
much time as possible together.

Hey! That's great, Neville.

Gosh, I'm sure there aren't
that many big animal vets

in Lanford.

I got lucky.

He's got a solid education,
a good attitude,

and, surprisingly, a long list
of animal allergies.

But I guess that's what those
little white pills he pops are for.

[chuckles]

Anyway, I was under a lot of pressure

and I got a really good feeling
about him.

[laughs]

Oh, sorry, I was working
on my school board campaign,

and I completely lost track of time.

Hey, uh...

you guys mind if I show you something?

Yeah.

Hey. Yeah, "Hardware Magazine."

Make sure you hide this
under your mattress

before your mom comes into your room.

My union buddy owns it, and he asked me

if I'd write an article about the life

of a small-town hardware store.

You believe that?

[laughs] No, not really.

I mean, that's nuts.

What about you says writer?

Like, last thing you wrote was "Wash me"

on a dirty car window.

I don't do that anymore.

Now I write, "If only
your wife was this dirty."

[laughs] Well, my mistake, Shakespeare.

It was nice of the guy to ask you,

but you're gonna say no, right?

I told him I'd think about it.

You're actually considering this?

I know writing is your thing,

but there's no reason
it can't be my thing too.

[laughs] And how hard is it?

It's like talking just with a pencil.

Well, I look forward
to reading your pencil talking.

This is not my first time
in print, you know?

I actually had a quote
that made it in the newspaper.

Oh, I remember that.

You ran into a goalpost,
you were out for 12 hours,

and when you woke up in the hospital

you said to the reporter,

"That big yellow guy's really strong."

[bluesy rock music]



♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Oh, hey, I brought you some
Salisbury steaks from work.

They're, uh, past their expiration date,

so if you can eat them
in the next, like,

day or so, that'd be safest.

Perfect.

I'm busy with my writing,
so I don't have time to cook.

Would you guys like to read
what I've done so far?

I'd love to.

It's just the opening.

But I think you'll see
why it took some time.

Hmm.

Did you get to the joke yet?

Uh, oh. Oh, yes, so funny.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so funny.

Uh...

Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh.
Yeah, here it is. It... it's right here.

- It's right at the beginning.
- Right there at the end.

Oh, yeah.

- The beginning of the end.
- The end of the beginning.

Well, it's the same.

Yeah, it's in... it's in there.

Yeah. Yeah.

The one in the middle.

Oh, very good.

It's unanimous!

I've earned myself a brewski.

Oh! Oh, my God.

When he said "The opening,"

he meant the literal opening
of the store.

"8:00, I walk in, turn on the lights,

"and flip the closed sign to open.

"If I don't, people will think
it's closed,

which I've done a couple of times."

- Is that the joke?
- [laughs]

Which one...

- [laughter]
- Which one is the joke?

I don't know.

Oh, my God. Well, we've got to help him.

- It's like...
- No. No. No.

This is your dad's thing, okay?

Look, they had two people to pick from

to write this article,
one who's a professional writer

and one who's a guy that ran
into a goalpost.

Oh, am I sensing a tinge
of professional jealousy?

Hell yes.

I'm just as surprised as you are.

I mean, I thought I could be
cool and generous about it,

but I hate that it's happening
for him and not for me.

Come on. You are so much better

than a hardware magazine.

Did you see their feature story?

"Shake that Can:
How to Blend Your Paint"?

Look, just do me a favor,

be the bigger person, and help him.

You know, make sure
he doesn't embarrass himself.

[sighs] Well, I did help him
pay his mortgage

and make him a partner in my business.

So I guess I had this comin'.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey.

How come you wanted
to meet here for lunch?

Oh, I wanted to talk outside the office.

[sighs] I had to let the new vet go.

We had seven horse tranquilizers

in our med cabinet before he started,

and now there's only three,

and we haven't had
a single horse come through.

Oh.

Anyway, for right now,
you can just keep coming

to the clinic with me.

I mean, you've been having fun, right?

Neville! I was okay with it

because you told me it was temporary.

As much as I love you,
I don't consider it

quality time to hold down
a pig's feet during surgery.

Can't you take a little bit
of time off, huh?

I mean, I-I retired for you.

I wish I could, but these are
my prime earning years,

and I can't take off without
someone there to cover for me.

- [phone buzzes]
- [groans]

It's already happening.

There was a four-horse
collision at Hawthorne,

and we only have three tranquilizers.

- [sighs]
- Sorry, hon.

- I'll see you at home.
- Mm.

You okay?

Well, I gave up the
restaurant to be with Neville.

And he's not even gonna be free.

Suddenly I just have nothing
to do with my time.

Well, don't you have any hobbies?

Yeah, sure, after I'm on
my feet for 14 straight hours,

I love to mountain climb
and play a couple of rounds

of golf at the club.

Ah. You see there?

Your hobby is bein' a bitch.

Sorry, it's just that I'm gonna wake up

tomorrow morning
and stare at a whole day

with nothing to do,
no business, no husband,

nothing left to do but die.

Well, there you go.

No. Louise! Come on.

You gotta help me.

You can't be pretty and selfish;

it makes you unlikable.

Okay, these posters
are hot off the press

from the school print shop.

Ooh.

Oh, thank you, Mark.

You're a lifesaver.

"Our Kids Deserve Lousy."

Oh, damn it.

I didn't have a chance to proof it.

I'm trying to do so many things at once.

I'm... I'm just overwhelmed.

Sounds like you could use some help.

- No.
- No, hey, look, look...

No, no. Your plate is full.

You got a free family member now.

I can do whatever you need.

I don't like to work with relatives.

Well, Mark was helping you.

No, I-I was trying to be nice.

I just don't want to do this with you.

We are oil and water.

That's a very underrated dressing.

And if I stay, I'm sure
I'll have to testify

against one of you, so bye!

Come on, we work together all the time.

I just... I need something
to distract me

from missing Neville.

No. Forget about it.

We always end up butting heads.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause, you know,

I didn't want you to replace my sister,

and you didn't want me
to marry your brother.

But we got drunk and swept it
under the carpet.

So there's no way
it could bother us now.

[sighs]

Okay.

I do need somebody to help me
answer emails from parents.

I got this one from a guy
who said he would vote for me

if I would send him a video

of me hula-hooping in a leopard bra.

And they say that dads
never get involved.

See you tonight, Becky.

Okay.

Okay. What's tonight?

Oh, uh, I'm gonna go see Louise

in action at the parents' meeting.

She and her opponents are doing

a meet-the-candidates kind of thing.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess
I should be there too

now that I'm her
chief communications officer.

I thought you were just
answering her emails.

I'll just go listen to her speak

and maybe offer some tips.

As Lanford's leading life coach,

I've had to address
large crowds on occasion.

Usually demanding their money back.

And they were all able
to stand up for themselves

because they had a hell of a life coach.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Looking out for the best interest

of Lanford's schoolchildren
is not a job I take lightly.

I'm a step-grandma.

So I have a dog in this hunt.

[applause]

How do you think she's doing?

I thought that was a pretty good speech.

It's a smoking hole in the ground.

There's no pizzazz.
She's playing it safe.

You know their positions.

What's her opponent's big pitch?

Oh, she's pushing
free breakfast for poor kids.

Hungry kids. Damn it, that's genius.

Does anyone have any
questions for Ms. Goldufski?

Watch this.

Yes, I have a question
for the candidate.

Um, is it true
that your opponent is using

hungry children as clickbait

for her increasingly desperate campaign?

Thank you.

I would rather discuss my campaign,

and I would rather discuss it
with somebody else.

Firm but fair.

Firm but fair.

Ms. Smallwood, would you like
to respond to that?

I love children.

I would never use them as clickbait.

I don't even have a computer.
I use my grandson's.

Mm.

Afraid of technology.

AI's comin',
we all have to deal with it.

Kids need help.

Not gonna get it from this Amish lady.

I'm a little afraid to ask this,

but are there any more
questions for either candidate?

Yes, I do. I have a question

for Ms. Goldufski's opponent.

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Is it true that, uh,
you don't love America?

Okay, I'm out.

Uh, bye, person I've never met before.

Of course, I love America.

I just wanna that my opponent
is a decent person

who also only wants
the best for our kids.

Look at this. A woman
who's got another woman's back.

She's the real deal, folks,
with a heart of Gold-ufski.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey.

How's it goin'?

Actually, I'm testing batteries

while coming up with ideas
for my writing.

I picked up a book
called "How to Write."

It says if you take breaks
and do chores,

your brain will bubble up ideas.

Just like that, huh?

Did you know you're always writing,

even when you're just livin?

[laughs] Actually not.

For Conners, you're barely
living when you're just living.

Uh, look, your daughter,
who loves you very much,

is worried about you.

And so she said, "Ben, you're a writer.

Why don't you go over there see
if my dad could use any help."

So being a writer, I said sure.

How can I help?

I appreciate it, but I'm good.

How far along are you?

I'm still on the first paragraph.

I came up with some other stuff,

but it wasn't as good,
so I threw it away.

Hey, look, I get the kind
of pressure you're feeling.

You're not used to doing
this kind of stuff.

You're worried about
embarrassing yourself.

What do you think, I'm so stupid

I'm gonna embarrass myself?

I didn't mean it like that, okay?

You're not stupid, you're just,
you know, not a writer.

Every time I hear you say that,

all I hear is, "You're a moron."

What's the matter? Are you mad

'cause they picked the dumb drywall guy

instead of the failed writer?

[exhales] You know what?

Screw you, old man.

You want to write about
a small-town hardware store?

You oughta tell them about
how hard it is working

with your pigheaded father-in-law,

who thinks he knows everything
but doesn't know

that flippin' a closed sign
is not a joke.

- That wasn't the joke.
- Ugh.

Any real writer'd know that.

Augh!

[bluesy harmonica music]

So we need to find some dirt
on Louise's opponent.

There's something evil lurking
under that Chico's sweater set,

I know it.

I'm kind of uncomfortable with this.

She's a widow who works
at an animal rescue,

and she's lived in the same
district for over 60 years.

Never successful enough to move on.

Hey, we were waitin' for ya.

- [door slams]
- What took you so long?

There were hours of questions,

mostly about you.

Mission accomplished.

Campaign's got buzz.

You had that poor woman in tears.

Oh, we can use that.

Mark, write this down.

"Is spontaneous crying
a sure sign of mental illness?"

- What?
- Mm. It's the trick.

They can't argue against your facts

if you pose them as a question.

They do it on "Ancient Aliens"
all the time.

"Did the ancient aliens come to Earth

"and build the pyramids of Tulum

as an energy source
for their death ray?"

You were only supposed to answer emails.

What the hell were you even doing there?

Thank God I was there; you
were getting your ass kicked.

- Right, Mark?
- I wasn't there.

Well, let me phrase that differently.

Was Mark there?

You're fired.

Okay, just tell me what you want.

That's the way I'll run your campaign.

You are not running my campaign.

Well, no, not with you
interfering all the time.

No. Not ever.

You're done.

That job was my life.

It was six hours.

That changed the world.

[bluesy harmonica music]

- Hey. What you writin'?
- Hey.

Uh, an article about
a small-town hardware store.

It's about how mom-and-pop shops

are the center of community life

and how we can't just
let that fade away.

Well, you were supposed to
help him, not write it for him.

Oh, this isn't for him,
but he's gonna see it.

You were asleep when
I got home last night,

but he called me a failed writer.

- Oh, crap. I'm sorry.
- No need.

I'm gonna shove
this great piece in his face

and show him who's not a failed writer.

Uh, look, I don't know why you think

you're competing with my dad.

I mean, he's a smart guy, but
he wouldn't know good writing.

He's still surprised that
Garfield doesn't like Mondays.

I think you are trying
to prove something to yourself.

And piss off your dad.

But what you really wanna do
is say to the world,

"Hey, I'm still a great writer."

And piss off your dad.

Can't you just know how
talented you are and let it go?

Will that piss off your dad?

Yes, especially
if you keep it all inside.

Well, it is good.

And I know it.

And that'll have to be enough.

[sighs] You're such a reasonable person.

What happened to the petty,
vindictive Darlene

I fell in love with?

She's inside.

And I know it, and that's enough.

She just fired me on the spot.

And I was only trying to help
her where she needed it,

which was everywhere.

Honey, I know us not spending

as much time together was a curveball.

Naturally, you wanted to throw
yourself into something,

but you kinda ran Louise over.

Well, it's hard for me to sit back

and watch people do things wrong.

Harris, you're not putting
enough pepper in the stew.

My taste buds haven't
been dulled with age,

so I'm seasoning it for people

who didn't fight in the Great w*r.

If you want to do something
in your retirement,

you may have to consider
not being the general

and just being a good soldier,
like I am in our marriage.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

But you really feel like you're
the soldier in our marriage?

How would you like me to answer that?

You mean, how would you like
me to answer that, sir?

Then the answer would be, yes, sir.

Permission to approach your lips, sir.

- Aww.
- [laughs]

Hey!

Take that nonsense out of my restaurant.

Hey, Louise.

Louise, can we talk?

[sighs] Nothing to talk about.

Look. Look.

You... you had every right to fire me.

I think I just got caught up

in trying to be in charge of everything.

[sighs] It's always hard with us.

I can't help the feeling that
you resent me for some reason.

Well, I think maybe

it's because I resent
everything about you.

I mean, everything comes
so easily for you.

You retired, and you immediately found

something fulfilling to do.

I have one free day, I make a widow cry,

and I'm banned from the library.

Well, it's not all a bed of roses.

Last night I had to fire
a crazy staff worker.

Well, now that I'm figuring this out,

um, maybe it might be nice
if we spend some time together.

Like, I don't know, like,

maybe if I was working for ya
or something?

I am looking for someone
who won't derail my campaign.

Ah, well, I don't have
any experience in that,

but, um, I'm willing to learn.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Dan, I know you're mad at me,
but something's happened,

and we need to talk.

Did you forget to tell me you
were a writer one more time?

I'm sorry. Okay?

I didn't think you could do the article,

but I should have just helped
and kept my mouth shut.

You'd think being married to me

you'd know that instinctively.

Look, I didn't mean
to insult you, all right?

I was just going through some stuff,

and I kinda took it out on you.

Well, I guess I got a little
defensive myself with...

I was so busy trying to prove to myself

that I could have been someone
more than a guy

that swings a hammer or hangs drywall.

Well, you must be more than that.

You got a hot wife.

It's weird when you say that.

Uh, so look,

I just got a call from the editor

of "Hardware Magazine,"
and they want me to do

a monthly column based
on the article I wrote.

I was just trying to prove
that I could still do it.

I didn't know Darlene
was gonna send it in.

And before you get any madder,
let me just remind you,

Louise has it goin' on.

I didn't send it in.

I did.

Wait, what?

It was so good,
Darlene wanted me to see it.

And she was right.

You deserve that article, not me.

You're a damn fine failed writer.

Well, thank you. Gosh.

And, hey, don't b*at yourself up either.

You were at a disadvantage
trying to learn

from that stupid writing book.

I Googled the author.

He's worth $50 million.

I am not having sex with you

until you write a stupid book
about writing.

[bluesy harmonica music]

And people will just press on the drill

trying to put a hole in a cinder block.

But what they don't know...

[laughs] Is they need a masonry bit.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You know what's really fascinating?

You can use a masonry bit on tile.

All you got to do is turn
the RPMs down a little bit.

You keep talking about hardware,

you're gonna hear all
my retirement speech,

I swear to God.

[child giggles]