This film is brought to you by the
Los Angeles CineFest Film Festival,
the Hollywood Screenings Film
Festival and the Scares Award.
Have you ever wondered what happened to
Harry Pattern your
favourite childhood Idol?
Yes that's me.
I played in a few
other films like
Averages
A Hard Die remake.
Or John Wig.
Hollywood asked me
to be in a reboot but
I'm old and audiences
is need young
energetic actors to
play the lead not a
bum like me.
Recently I lost my wand.
So I use anything I
can find to create magic.
Well let's try this pen
I need to take a
break from acting
for many years I
followed each story
every single script
and nobody asked me
"Hey Harry do you
have any stories to tell?"
Nope no one asked me that
I didn't have a
chance to tell my
stories to express
what was in my mind.
So I started to write.
And I write a lot.
Jessie?
Hey, you must be Drew
You want sit down?
Thank you.
Lie.
At Graceland.
At Graceland I look like I was
the world's youngest elves fan
Cheers to that.
Cheers.
So Emerson said
you go to a lot of
concerts who's
your favourite band?
All time or like right now?
Right now. Maybe "Wolf pack"
I love them.
Yeah? I just I just
saw them when I
was visiting
friends in New York.
No way where?
Prospect Park
I was at that show.
What or the first
or second night?
It was it the one where the girl
ran up on stage and she changed.
Insecurity tackled
her my God yes.
Yeah.
That was insane.
So we go and ring
the doorbell her
parents let us in out
of the pouring rain
and then my brother
sees a picture on
the mantle with
the little girl in it
No.
And he goes
that's her that's
the girl we picked up
And then the wife
the she starts sobbing
uncontrollably
the husband he the
husband says she d*ed
15 years ago
then he takes his hand
and puts it on my shoulder
and he says this
happens every year since
My God.
On the day she d*ed.
I have chills
look I feel like Goosebumps.
You feel cold?
Here let me hear my sweater
what what the shirt
laundry day my orgasm
donor shirts in the wash.
So can I do this yet?
Definitely I had
such a good time.
Same.
Do me to walk you to car?
I am okay thanks.
Jesse.
My God.
Okay that's hilarious.
I told you it was in the wash
I thought was gonna be late.
No it just got here.
I can't believe you're
wearing the shirt.
I thing I love this shirt.
I don't want to go home yet
I'm having such a good time.
Well I can eat I saw a dinner
on the way over here you
want to follow me
take a lift
Today have hash
browns or home fries
hash browns they
look disgusting this
whole place looks
disgusting and the
French toast is 19 dollars.
What?
Actually
I have eggs at my place
can I make you an omelette
I don't know
do you have home fries.
Drew?
Hey I'm in the kitchen
cooking breakfast
can I borrow your shirt?
Yeah top drawer
Wieners.
Master.
Baiter.
Morning wood.
My God.
I put the art in fart.
What the ffff...?
You found one?
Jesse?
I forgot everything
at work I gotta go
Every single one
not even a plain
white tea? I thought I
found one and
then I unfolded it and
there were cartoon
pubes drawn on the
bottom. That's pretty funny.
That’s not funny. It's insane.
Why don't you just
ask him about it?
I panicked I just left.
Are you sure this isn't another
classic Jessie move where
you you know find the flaw in an
otherwise perfect
guy? he had at least at
least four shirts with
the word suck on them.
Okay I'm just saying
you did dump a guy
once because he
wore cufflinks? they're
strangely formal it's like wrist
hearings
didn't you say he
was an ER doctor who
helped uninsured
children? yeah and after
your first date you
said you had never
felt so close to
another person so
quickly.
You said that.
And
wolf pack
I know.
Wolf pack.
Maybe you're right
just go talk to the guy
I'm glad you called.
I'm excited to finally
be able to cook for you.
Can I talk to you
about something?
Yeah what's up
With all these
dirty joke shirts?
It's all you wear.
Yeah they're hilarious
are they?
I don't know
I spend my day in
Scrub's operating on
kids
sometimes I have
to tell their parents
they didn't make it
it's a lot
so when I get a
chance to wear some
street clothes I
guess I like to have a
little fun with it
that's actually so so sweet
I'm an assh*le.
I'm glad we talked about this.
I'm glad you're here.
Bon appetite.
I can't do this.
Each day seems to
be the same I wake up
I drink some mushroom
coffee and I go
for a walk
The only difference
is that each day a
different dog barks at me
But I want to be remembered
as a good guy
I need to think about it
Meanwhile let's
finish this story
Good evening do you
have a reservation?
Hi forgive me bad habits.
Don't worry happens so
do you have reservation?
Yeah table
for two name should
be under a Robinson
Robinson
Mr Robinson follow
me great hope you'll
enjoy your meal with
us? yeah thank you
um I needed this
actually had a week
from hell. why
what happened? well I
plunged through an
exam this morning.
Congrats what do
you study first year
philosophy..UFT
No way, I think my parents
let me apply to philosophy.
Yeah yeah my parents gave
me a lot of Brief
too you just have to
commit to doing a
f*ck ton of readings
yeah they say it's
a dead end for my
career but I guess
they're right but
it's a passion
exactly exactly that's
what I told my folks
So...
what brings you
here nice hot Friday
night date?
Hot
um... I don't know
about that just yet it's
a blind one
Hi Gareth.
Hi Stephanie?
That's me
great hi
Hi
Um...
Awesome.
Okay, great thank you.
So can I start you
two off with anything
to drink?
I would like osahi... Just a
glass of water its fine, thank you.
So Gareth
yeah Stephanie
tell me about yourself.
I study first year UFT
I great I go to UFT as well
uhuh...
um... philosophy
first year two
just like you
So Gareth
Water for you.
And osahi for
Aristotle I'm actually
more of an Epicurus
Sorry what's the Language
would you speaking?
Philosophy jinx
Can I order it please?
What will you be having?
I haven't decided yet
I'm ready I'll have
the spicy tuna and
dragon rolls please
just the edamame and
an avocado roll please
Vegetarian? Yes.
And no Wasabi either
that comes on the
side
Great.
And no Ginger either
I'm not so spicy that
also comes on the
side
hope you love birds
enjoy your meal?
So Garrett yeah
um
I see you're a vegetarian
yes I care about
living creatures and I
care about our
ecosystem and I care
about the planets
and ouch Gareth
I'm so sorry
what's the matter?
You're asking what's the matter?
That fish d*ed for
you is what's the
f*cking matter
well fish are my
friends but so is a
chicken
I'm sorry it was
it was just a joke
All you men have
no f*cking manners.
Hey I'm sorry it's
it's just my ADHD
well then my OCD
and view of today's
society just aren't
compatible whether
we're sitting next
to each other on a
bus or having a
hot a**l sex in my
apartment
so last night not go
too good? no it did
not go so good so well
corrected myself
there I noticed you saw
right
yeah yeah
so is this round
number two? yeah
so how is convincing
your parents to let
you apply philosophy
going? good news I
convinced them
amazing you should apply
to U of T I plan to you know
we should celebrate
sometime? yeah I'm
down
so is this guy
howdy you must be
good. hi Alexandra?
Nice to meet you
so I take your orders sir?
I'll have the tempura
shrimp and an
order of the teriyaki beef
Fine.
Of course Thanks girl.
So Gareth
Alexandra
I heard you study philosophy.
What got you hooked?
The
this might sound
a little bit weird but
when I was in kindergarten I was
diagnosed with ADHD
it's made me think
and feel differently
from the other kids
in my grade this
inspired me to sort of
figure out why the
world made me this
way
one of the benefits
of having ADHD other
than being really
hyper is that you get
fixated on these things
small things I got
fixed on reading
books different
books about different
people's views on
the world and it sort
of made me realise
like Jim Morrison
would say that I was
thrown into the
world this way which
made it my destiny
to be a philosopher
what about you Alex?
What do you study? I'm sorry
if I'm overwhelming you too
much no
um this kind of Energies
Hot.
I go to York for psych
I guess to why I
chose a screw path
that's because you
only needed to see in
high school to
get in but I'm in a
sorority so that's
kind of memories
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah cool
so
Have you decided
on dinner yet by any
chance?
Yeah...
hi but you're
gonna have to change
your order? hey
got you there
um
I'll
happily change my order
I came here for all right
all right
… Let’s come...
in this Laboratory...
Opss...
don't worry I don't fight
What?
What you want clock walker?
I am sorry we are closing.
Let’s me swap.
I told you were...
so sorry
I'll leave you to be
hey sport do you do you have a
reservation?
Yeah a table for two
could be under Robinson
yes yes Mr Robinson
come with me your
date's right over
here great go get him
tiger
and have that
big d*ck energy yeah
wow hi scary
Roxanne? Yeah. That’s me.
Hi nice to meet you
nice to meet you
um… ops...
My chair is there.
Um...
thanks
so yeah tell me
about yourself? I'd love
to
Sorry if I just cut
you off with my ADHD
I actually have ADHD
too. really? yeah
well this was meant
to be I heard you
study psychology?
Philosophy yeah yes
I've actually recently
gotten into human emotions,
Understanding certain
types of people in general
How they feel, their likes,
their dislikes their wants
their goals, desires
I'm film major, York University
in the fine arts department
and I know what
you're thinking life
choices but I feel
like it's going to
help me in how I
direct my actors as a
whole yeah cool
really? yeah thank
you you're so sweet
you're sweet thank
you thank you what's
your favourite movie?
Mom will be Mother
by Darren Aronofsky?
Sorry I yeah don't
be I understand why
you wouldn't like
Aronofsky's work
yeah I'm really sorry but um
I can't do this
do what?
Watch Requiem for a Dream
my God I'm so
bad for dinner can you
just listen to me for a second?
I'm sorry for
yelling I'm sorry for
making a mess I'm fine I am
I yell and I spill
drinks all the
f*cking time I just
don't think this is
gonna work
you seem lovely but
so what's wrong?
No no it's nothing that
you did it's totally
completely me at
I'm really sorry
I hope you have a great
meal.
Hey.
Hey
no it's just stupid
a flammable dildo?
Children are probably
going to watch
this
noooo... I need to write
something else
when you hear anorexic I
know what you
think young girl
teens maybe early 20s
definitely Rich
parents that beg her to
eat dinner and when
she won't they cry
and group hug and
check her into a posh
rehab where she
meets other Rich Young
equally dark and
quirky people and they
do sh*t like goat
yoga and Equine
Therapy all f*cking day then she
Instagrams her thigh
gap and hashtags it
with things like size
double zero skinny
fat Anna Mia thinspo
ugly and self-hate
maybe in a lifetime
movie none of that's
me
Okay maybe the
Instagram thing only when
I need reassurance
but otherwise not me
your grateful narrator
is definitely not
rich
in fact I'm super
late on my rent right
now which is really
pathetic because I
just live in a shitty
room I found on
Craigslist in this
house owned by a
creepy old dude who
looks like he wants
to r*pe me or eat
me with a glass of
Chianti
I know what you're thinking
she doesn't look
anorexic she's way too
f*cking fat
well I'm in recovery
assh*le so how
about a little support
but I am a starving artist pun
intended
so it's totally
acceptable to be poor
and spottily employed at 24 25.
Okay 26 to 36 it's
probably a good thing
I've had to struggle
so much you know it
makes me a richer
actor builds character
it's going to happen
for me soon though
I know it
I'm a very positive
optimistic person
and I'm not one of
those actresses who's
never done anything
I was just on
three episodes of a
relatively successful web series
it sucks because
I'm five foot eight and
a quarter so my
weight never sounds
skinny no matter what
my best weight was
106 which was really
an accomplishment
but unfortunately it
doesn't sound very
dramatic everybody
flipped when the
Olsen twins got
down to like 80 pounds
but they're wet
maybe five feet tall and
it's five pounds
for every inch so
comparatively I'd
be equivalent to their
80 pound alleged
skinniness at 120
pounds so unfair
why am I weighing
myself if I'm supposed
to be in recovery
of course I weigh
myself every day how
else are you supposed
to know how you're
going to feel about
yourself that day
totally kidding I know
my value is not a
number on the scale blah blah
mother f*cking blah
so anyway not to
worry your big boned
narrator has got
her sh*t together
that's Mandy she
wanted to walk with
me today
should I wait?
She'll catch up.
So Mandy and our
other friend Shelly
and me were all best
friends in high school
but they were the
popular cheerleaders
National Honor
Society life at the
parties I was the
third wheel who
always got a little too
drunk at the parties
and everything that
came with that
they were supposed
to have peaked in
high school I
believed those after
school specials
that told me things
would get better
after high school when
I could be my real self
but everything
keeps working out for
them
f*ck. Maybe I'm the
one who peaked in
high school nope
nope no more feeling
sorry for myself I promise
I already ate
Lizzy you look
great which obviously
means I look fat I
guess I don't really
worry about it anymore
380 maybe 400
calories in a slice
200 for half wine
140 calories of glass
there's vodka in my
room 65 calories a sh*t
You are so lucky to be single
you don't have
someone checking on you
every five minutes
yeah renting a room
from creepy Chianti
Craigslist's guys way better.
So. Have you gotten a job yet?
I know you're still
doing the acting thing
but I mean like a job job
I'm sorry did I order
judgment on my pizza?
Yeah I have a lot of leads
tell me about you
what's it like being
a mom just get past
the pizza be stronger
than the pizza
another glass of
wine is better it's in
vodka if I need it
not gonna lie
but it is just
so 400 plus one of
the most amazing 270
or 280 plus BMR of
about 13.50 so 2150
b*rned so
um have you been
on Instagram today?
No.
Why?
Okay
I'm gonna tell you
something but I don't
want you to go on
one of your downward
spirals
then maybe you
shouldn't say it like
that
Shelley booked a
series regular on TV.
No f*cking way. Wow.
You both have been
doing this a really
long time so you
know how hard that is
or that entitled lucky ass
bitch can go f*ck herself.
Of course of course
of course doesn't
that give you some
sort of Hope
you guys have the
same agent right
Yes we have the
same f*cking agent.
Why would he get
Shelly that audition
and not me?
She's not f*cking cankles
he probably wants to f*ck her
or he wants to f*ck with my head
of course he's still mad at
me from what
I know showed that
one audition that was
totally not my fault
he's a psychological
ninja gaslighting
narcissistic
m*therf*cker. Elizabeth
you're bloated
struggling narrator is
sick of everybody emotionally
waterboarding her
You might think
I'm crazy for riding
alone at 2:30 in the
morning but I'm not
what else am I supposed to do
I'm not one of those
people that says
I'll start tomorrow
that's how 70 percent
of Americans got
to be overweight or obese
I know I'm not
worried about anybody
attacking me or
anything I'm so fat and
gross right now
nobody's gonna try to
r*pe me
right now you're
probably thinking I
look like a hopeless
whiny pitiful mess
maybe you can't stand
me right now maybe
you're like can
she f*cking shut up.
I get it
I completely f*cking agree
you're worthless fat
ass narrator knows
exactly how shitty
of a person she is
You know how some time you
have one bite and you just can't stop
I guess that's kind
of what happened
last night
but don't worry
you're self-deprecating
narrator has got
it totally under
control
I just need to outrun
my f*ck up just
not eat today then
I will be healthy and
optimistic and
positive and sh*t.
I will
I'll I'll start tomorrow
Yeah...
Lord Voldemort on
the toilet that could work
but how am I going
to hide his nose?
Also he needs to be shaved
anyway
that was something
I didn't know I
could write so many
stories in less than
an hour it has the
potential to be a nice
pattern the brain
not only receives
information but
also interprets and
patterns it I can
tell I'm pleased with
myself
sh*t. I knew I should have
drunk five
mushroom coffees
in her own time will
not slow down when
something unpleasant
lies at the bottom
of your stomach.
I'll finish the other
characters some other time.
Harry Pattern and the Magic Pen (2023)
Moderator: Maskath3