Fall Guy, The (2024)

[Maskath3]

( Narrating)
Colt Seavers: They’re in almost every movie , you just don’t know they’re there , that’s the job , the unseen stunt performers, they get paid to take it on the chin and everywhere else
Oh That’s me , that’s me Colt Seavers, getting blown up and hiding my face in a muddy puddle which isn’t easy when i’m trying to look good in front of Jody
She’s a camera operator who i happen to have a major crush on, she’s definitely going to achieve her goal of being a big time director , I don’t want to over romanticise it but this thing with me and Jody, it’s the kind of thing you can only find in the movies

Jody; Thanks for the set chat

( narrating)
Colt; She’s talking about Tom Ryder, biggest action star in the world , why am I explaining this , you know who Tom Ryder is, he’s Tom Ryder, I’ve been his stunt double for six years

I can’t complain, i have my dream job with my dream girl, I’m living the dream

: A lot of mumbling and hand gestures over the monitors
Colt: Let me guess, too much face

Colt: Jody right?
Jody: What’s your name?

Tom Ryder: That’s not my chin, look at his face, his jawline like Mr Potato Head
Colt: Got lost in your jawline

Colt; We’re going again
Tom: Try backwards

Colt: ( narrating) The woman pre basting the diet soda is Gail Myer, Tom’s producer

Colt: Can only have one spicy margarita , if i have more than one i start making bad decisions
Do you have any towels?
Jody: It’s dangerous swimming alone
Colt; I’d ask you to be my swim buddy, I don’t think you have a Bathing suit , what do you call those across the pond?
Jody: We call it a Swimming costume

Colt ( narrating) What’s that saying? Pride comes before the fall, they don’t mention it sticks around for a while after , Jody tried to be there for me , I just couldn’t
I disappeared or so i thought

Gail Meyer: Colt it’s Gail, your favourite producer
Colt: How’d you get this number?
Gail; I heard you’re working at the Captain’s cockatoo
Colt; It’s Le Cockatoo, El Capatain , it’s a family place

Gail: His message, did you get it?
Colt; The prayer hands emoji?
Gail: He’s still an assh*le

I know things haven’t been easy for you after the incident
Colt: I don’t blame either of you, start making mistakes like that, it’s time to hang up the pads

I know you from somewhere, the Tom Ryder movie, the stunt man
Colt: Not anymore
You break your back or something?
Colt: Yep
You gotta hear this
Colt: You don’t have to hear this
How are you even still alive?
Colt: I wish I wasn’t right now
: This is a guy I worked with on a Tom Ryder movie, most epic fail I ever saw

Hey Fall guy , bring my car around without a scratch , got a crispy five

Colt: I’m not getting on a plane
Gail: You need to be smashing Burning camasakis through glass

Gail: The director asked for you specifically
Colt: Sorry to disappoint him
Gail: Don’t you wanna know who it is?
It’s Jody, I’m giving her, her big break
Colt; Make sure it’s an aisle seat

( narrating)
Colt; Maybe i spent so long riding shotgun in someone else’s story, i forgot to take the wheel of my own , does that make sense?
I don’t know why i’m talking so much, i’m not the hero of the story, I’m just a stunt man

It’s a rental!

Colt: Didn’t know they were sh**ting doubles
Venti: Use the technology to re target , Tom’s body and Ryder’s face back onto your body
Colt: Like a deep fake situation , have a chance, turn me into Tom Cruise

Colt: Does the director know I’m here? She asked for me
: I don’t know , the stunt co ordinator wants to see you

Colt: Stunt co ordinator Dan, do i call you sir? How does this work?
Dan: You can call me Boss

Colt: I don’t think I need to be in this nomad? We’re not doing anything crazy?

Jody: Do you need the bayonet? Wouldn’t the laser achieve?

Jody: How many of these have you made?
Two
Jody: Okay
Hundred

Jody: Epic sci fi love story of epic proportions, supposed to mirror that other worldly thing when you fall in love
I don’t want real

Jody: This is the biggest sh*t of the movie and I have a newbie ,

Colt: A cannon roll!
Dan: You need to get back to rolling cars instead of parking them
Colt: It was a massive miscalculation , i nearly k*lled myself in front of the whole crew
I’d prefer my first day back not be an epic fail
Dan; It’s not about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward
Colt: You can’t quote Rocky like that on me !


Jody: Was that my one take?

Nigel: Didn’t call for pyro
Jody: This is why they’re doing it, they feel you don’t respect them, the tone , the words

What if the characters in the movie acknowledge you’re having a problem with the third act?
Jody: No, i like you’re thinking outside the box

Nigel: I will gut you like the fish you are!

Colt: Bad sand , gonna have to postpone

Colt: What is that? King tide, wait for it to come in, compact the sand, sh**t sun up for sundown
Dan; You’re stalling
Colt: This is important to her?
sh**ting for comic con
Dan: All H

Dan; It’s one of those things whether it’s an inch or a mile, a win’s a win
Colt: Too easy, Fast and the furious

Colt: I don’t wanna be that guy, the sand is loose , if i get any closer, you’re gonna lose the camera

We have seven more cameras

Jody: Who’s idea was this?
Colt: Yours
Dan: I just found out about this yesterday
Jody: I would never have approved him
Colt: She didn’t approve me

Jody, You can’t do that, I’m directing a movie
Colt: Your hat’s coming off

Colt: There’s been a misunderstanding
I’m under the impression you did want me here
Jody: That’s a delusional thought
We haven’t talked in a year
You broke my camera, Comic con sh*t ruined
Colt: All H , big deal
Director thing looks good on you even the gardening hat
Jody: It’s a set thing, everyone wears them
Colt: They don’t make it look as good as you
you look good in everything, you look good in nothing, I didn’t mean it like that, you would

Jody: I’ll take anyone else
Dan: Can i be honest with you? We literally have no one else

Nigel: Have a nurse on standby, we’re gonna set this man on fire

Jody: Like a little backstory, some context
Sci fi Love story , space cowboy and aliena are having a moon season , in real life you might call a fling , brief, intense, neither of them had been in a relationship that deep before
They said it, him more than her to the point she was like Chill out
Space cowboy is wounded and he disappears without a trace

Jody: More context, She started to replay everything, did she misread the vibes , was it just a fling, did she let her imagination run wild or did he lie to her?
She did move on, started doing pilates , got a banging revenge body, started dating other humans, superior than him, right girls? It was like a sushi train
: Speaking of moving on

Jody; If space cowboy was forced to say something, How would he justify this year she spent spinning out over this?
Colt: In this movie, do the cowboys and aliens ever speak in private?
Jody: They like to keep things public
Colt: No private conversations, i’m going to open it up to the room, have you ever been in a situation where you have to say something that’s so important but you don’t want to mess it up, you’ve already messed it up because you thought too long and hard about it, the space cowboy has been living in regret

Alien: I was in a similar situation when i fell in love with my wife’s sister
Colt: Okay

Gail; Don’t use that, that’s broken
Eight and a half rolls, that’s gotta be a record
Colt: Cut the sh*t
Gail; What are you talking about? It was amazing
Colt: You lied to me, do you know how that feels?
She doesn’t want me here

Gail: It’s like the message in all my movies
Colt: Nihilism is a viable world view?
Gail: No that’s entertainment, wrap it in sexy bacon
In all those movies, they fall down, rolling in their own sh*t, think they can’t cope, you pick yourself back up
Colt: I’m gonna lay down, So let me get this straight , nihilism is the sexy bacon
The audience are dogs, you get back up
Why am I really here?
Gail: Ryder’s missing
He’s fallen in with some really shady, shitty people
Colt: Call the cops
Gail; The studio will know i’m over budget, pull the plug
Colt: Why me?
Gail: You’re a stunt man , no one’s gonna notice whether you’re here or not, no offence
Colt: Some taken
Gail: I know I can trust you, Jody can trust you, she just doesn’t realise it yet
Colt: I’m gonna call you your tomorrow, my today

Still with the post it notes?
Gail: Let’s not get into it, it’s like Memento level

Save the movie and maybe you get the love of your life back
Colt: Did you just turn Jody into the sexy bacon?
Gail; She’s been the sexy bacon all along

Jody: Hey
Colt: Hey
Jody: What are you doing?
Colt: Chilling down
Jody: Are you chilling down to Taylor Swift?
Colt: Yeah, it’s an Australian saying
Jody: I’ve been here six months, haven’t heard anyone say it
Have you been crying?
Colt: No
Jody: You look like you’ve been crying

Jody: I’m sorry, lining you up like that, i feel very cathartic
Colt: I deserved it
Jody: Can I get in the car with you? How you been?
I hate that thumbs up stunt guy bullshit
You don’t have to explain everything, it was a fling, less then a fling, it was a flingette , can’t force things
My mum forced my Dad to exercise
Snapped his ankle, first time he stepped on a treadmill , now he has a piece of metal in his foot , moral of the story, be yourself
Colt: I wanted to apologise, doesn’t feel like it’d be enough

Jody: If you’re going to be here, we need to focus up, be profesh
Colt: Profesh is my middle name
Jody: I thought your middle name was Danger
Colt: That’s my stage name


Colt; Colt I thought you were dead, why you gotta be a p*ssy bitch? I’ll ask you not to refer to me as a p*ssy or a bitch
But you got hurt like a p*ssy and you’re acting like a bitch

I really don’t want to be part of any breaking and entering role play games

Jody needs you back on set

Colt: Why do you look so familiar?

Where do i know you from?
Iggy; I’m Iggy Starr, lead actress on Metal Storm, I’m Ryder’s girlfriend
Colt: Were you in that movie Carjack where you sh**t that guy in the head and steal his car, say I hope you know how to drive stick, it doesn’t make sense because it should be a*t*matic

Colt: I’m working on Metal Storm too
Iggy: Lies, we’re only on Metal Storm one
Colt: I meant also!

Colt: Is this a prop sword?
Iggy: Mm Hmm, I’m a good actress
If you’re really working on Metal storm, why are you sneaking around here?
Colt: Looking for Ryder
Iggy; Tom’s really drugged up, he thinks someone’s trying to k*ll him , I said if you don’t finish Metal storm, i’m going to k*ll you myself , the sooner I get out, the better

Colt; Where’s Ryder?
Iggy: You could try the club, they won’t let you in looking like a povo
Colt: What’s a Povo?
Iggy: Poor person like you

Iggy: What’s with the Miami Vice stunt crew jacket?
Colt: First show I did, drove a boat through a ring of fire, i got so good at it, I could do it with my hands tied behind my back
Iggy: Wow you’re really into yourself
Colt: You did ask

Iggy: Neon night at the club, hangs out with this guy called Doon, that’s his drug dealer, has leopard tats
They’re not going to let a nobody like you in , you gotta act like Tom
You’re a stunt double, you know how to do that
Colt; Act like I own everyone and everything and there are no repercussion’s for my actions

Doon: Have a drink
Colt: I just want to find Ryder
Doon: How come no one ever wants to chat with the drug dealer!
Colt: My bad
Doon: You do a stunt today?
Colt: Just a car roll
Doon: Car roll ! Car roll! That’s why I like you, you do the hard sh*t
They give Oscars for that?
Colt: For stunts? No, nope
Doon: Here’s to the unsung heroes

No offence but I prefer cartoons, movies try to make everything feel real but it’s not real, it’s a movie
Cartoons don’t pretend to be real, you ever see Dumbo? Dumbo changed my life

Spoiler [+]

Jody: You seem a bit tweaky
Colt: I’m a bit spotty when my glucose levels get low
Your hair
Jody: Yes I cut it, you changed your number, i changed my hair, we’re even

Jody: The studio wants to contort the love story so it all ends happily , everything’s rosy, most love stories don’t end well
Colt: I don’t agree, keep chopping


Jody: ( on the phone) What do you think about split screen?
Colt: Jody?
Jody: What do you think about split screen? Do you think it’s nostalgic super cool or do you think it’s a gimmick?
Colt: I think it can be super cool, tell me, tell me everything, tell me your vision
Jody: They’re in different worlds, visually and emotionally , i like they’re both on screen but there’s a prominent divide between the lovers, I want that
Colt: You want the divide?

Colt; Aliena and space cowboy are having what seems to be manageable problems
Jody: Manageable problems?
The aliens invaded Earth and left it in tatters but the studio is pushing for the Love conquers all , I’m not buying it
Colt: I’m surprised to hear you say that
Why?
Colt: I’m just a boy in a neon suit reminding you Notting Hill is your favourite movie and you watch Love Actually every Christmas
Jody: I watched it again this year and I didn’t love it, happy endings are ruined for me , happily ever after unsubscribe me
Colt: I didn’t get happily ever after from Notting Hill
Jody: He’s sitting on a park bench, she has her head in his knee
Colt: We don’t know she’s not going to go back to working in the street, all we know is at the start, she’s up for anything but kissing
Jody: You’re getting mixed up, Pretty woman is lady of the night
Colt: For people like me who don’t get the metaphor
Jody: You’re gonna see it, a line you ache to see blur

Spoiler [+]

Policeman: No parking at any time

Colt: I’d like to report a crime, an ice crime
Policeman: Yeah , you’re still getting the ticket mate

Jody: This action I can’t get
Feeling of the pursuit of love. How far would you go for love? You can’t go very far with Ryder
He’s a drip and he runs weird and he can’t do action, you can

I don’t need cuts or gimmicks, i just need you
Wanna sh**t the sh*t out of Sydney Harbour with me in four hours
Three hours and fifty two minutes

Colt: How’d we do boss?
Jody: Amazing, it was so good, we’re going out for karaoke, you can come if you want, i’d like you to come
Colt: I’ll be there
Jody; I don’t know what that was, so terrible
Colt: Holster that
Jody; Holstered

Dan: I saw that
Colt: You saw the finger g*ns?

Gail: I got you a 5: 50 out of here
Colt: Now? I told Jody I’m meeting her for karaoke
Gail; I’m embarrassed, I got you tangled up

Colt: His commands are in French
Alma: I know
Colt; I worked with him on a movie, can’t believe you still have him
Alma: More of a party trick
He also has a command to bite someone in the balls
Colt: Alma right?

Alma: The last time I saw Ryder, he was in a drug induced shirtless shitshow with Henry , Gail called me in a panic
Ryder’s phone the one his creepy security guard called me about

Gail; I gave him the tickets

Jodi; I need him to finish the movie, why wouldn’t you talk to me about it?

Jody; And he just left?
He’s an adult human male, he can do as he pleases

Gail: You can focus up, do you know you have a massive fat hit? It’s high noon
Jody: At the edge of the universe

Alma: Whatever’s on this phone is a bazooka that can blow a movie star sized hole through someone’s career
I’m willing to give this to a good guy for the right price
Colt: What do you want?
Alma: A producer credit
I’m burning myself with this
Colt; I’m just a stuntguy
Alma: Who used to date the director and seems to be getting close to rekindling a short lived but legendary torrid love affair

Spoiler [+]

Dan: If this is the Fugitive and you’re Harrison Ford, the bad guys are closing in

Dwayne the Rock Johnson


Colt:There is no phone, that’s the twist , he sh*t it out of my hand
Up there, go check , all of you, I’ll wait , you didn’t know you did that
No he didn’t
Colt; I wanted to tell you this whole time , i was by the doorframe, he sh*t the phone out of my hand

Wish you hadn’t broken that bond

Spoiler [+]

Colt:I felt like a failure, i figured the thumbs down version of me wasn’t what you got in it for
I disappeared, I didn’t just disappear on you, I disappeared on myself
Jody; I just wanted you to be honest
Colt; Honesty hurts, Getting hit by a car hurts, getting thrown through a window hurts, getting set on fire hurts, none of it ever hurts as much as not being with you
Is that from a movie or did I just make it up? It’s pretty good , you can use that



Gail; Focus on the bombastic monologue, smashed it

Jody: I’ve learnt so much from you , the lesson that stays with me, when you get knocked down, pick yourself up

You’re finishing the movie

Ryder: Our most powerful w*apon, love
In each one of you is an ember, a spark, a fire
Love is how we will win

Jody: End truck coverage
Gail: Can do it in VFX
Jody: Need his face, space cowboy just stole the alien vehicle you remember that?
Tom: This isn’t necessary
Jody; This is his moment
Tom: Not going to be driving, I’m gonna get nauseous
Jody; Entirely blue screen set up
Tom: There’s not going to be any driving, I’m gonna get nauseous

Ryder: This isn’t necessary
Jody; It’s because you escaped the aliens , raise the stakes
Ryder: Sounds cool, raise the stakes

Ryder; If I said something like I was sh**ting aliens before I was paid to

Jody: Approaching the ravine, turn, gonna have to jump the gap

Ryder: We’re in the middle of a take assh*le
Jody: Just buckling you in, safety first
Ryder: Little tight, we are filming, get out
Howdy



Jody; I’m getting something real
Gail: There aren’t any cameras

Ryder: Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Colt: That is your name isn’t it Tom Ryder, a blind man can see you’re Tom Ryder
Tom: Tom Ryder, Tom Ryder


I thought it’d be sick, you and me, one last stunt like Thelma and Louise
Ryder; Thelma and Louise? They die
Colt: Exactly

Colt: Wanna find a beach somewhere? Get a couple of swimming costumes
Jody: And spicy margaritas
Colt: Sound like a plan
Jody: It’s a better one than this

Drezzler: Rendezvous at the canyon, extraction at the spaceship
Dan: Oh no big red, you’re not gonna make that one

It’s high noon at the edge of the universe

I know these creatures , I’ve loved them
In each one of you is a g*dd*mn fire!

Colt: ( narrating) Metal Storm was a hit , space cowboy and aliena had their happy ending, Jody and I got something better, a new beginning filled with spicy margaritas and bad decisions
I don’t want to over romanticise it but this thing with me and Jody, it’s even better than what you find in the movies