01x17 - God Visits

[bunniefuu]

Hello, friend.

Do you want to paaaarty?

Yes, no, yes, no...

That's cute.
Are you gonna go?

I guess I have to.

Hey, mr. Eric.
It's lizzie exley.

And of course I can come

to your 27th birthday party.

I miss hearing your voice.

So send hello
to the boys for me

and have a good day.
Bye.

I think that janice
is secretly hooking up

with abujay again.

Oh, not that guy.

She says he's taking
advantage of her,

but it's happened,
like, 4 times.

Hey, girls aren't
worth the trouble.

That's why I don't date.

Is that why?
Heh heh...

Hey. No. I don't
need to date.

I got tivo.

My ex-stepdad's car
broke down again.

I'm not calling him back.

He always needs a ride

to some 12-step meeting
or something.

Hey, you know who
I had sex with last night?

Lucy liu, lisa ling...

Oh, and who's that, uh,
chick from crouching tiger?

Ang lee?

Yes. Oh, god,
she's so hot!

I mean, tivo be my pimp, yo.

Greg's not dating
a computer chip, eugene.

He's dating a real-life
breathing woman

who cheats on him all the time.

Greg, you gotta stand
up for yourself, dawg.

Well, dude, what if
I stand up for myself

and then she breaks up with me

like lizzie did to you?

Oh, like lizzie did to me?

Lizzie cheated on me once,
and I dumped her broke ass.

And now, I'm the man.

I'm calling the sh*ts.

Case in point:

Hey, mr. Eric.
It's lizzie exley.

And of course I can come
to your 27th birthday party.

And that's from
a group e-vite, bitch!

Yeah! Someone wants
a little piece of eric back.

♪ unh, 'cause it's hard
to stay away ♪

♪ unh, it's so hard
to stay away ♪

♪ say what? Say what? ♪

Bulk mart rules!

Does anyone even have
a popcorn popper?

Well, I think we've
finally got all of it.

So, stevie, what do
you want to do

with the rest of saturday?

Uh, sit right here.

Oh, but it's so pretty out.

Well, it's always pretty out.

It's california.

We're gonna eat
all this cookie dough!

You guys are pigs.

Yep. Ha ha!

You guys, um, you know,
I don't know if you're

into this, uh, stuff,
or, you know,

if this is your bag
or not, really, but, um,

the girls gone wild
5-tape solid gold

uncensored and beyond
box set has arrived.

It's here.

It came!
What up!

Oh, my god. This is
the greatest day ever.

Why are you so happy about it?

I'm just happy for him.

He ordered it a long time ago.

Well, they're really immature.

Oh, is it immature, mommy?
Is that it, mommy?

I thought breasts
made food, mommy.

What's so immature
about that, huh, mommy?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

They are so pathetic.

Their idea of a good time
is eating large quantities
of candy and watching p*rn.

Why did we even go
to bulk mart?

Because you save money.

Well, I didn't.

I maxed out my credit card.

And now I have enough tampons

to last me to menopause.

And hair dye?

What am I gonna do
with 20 hair-dyeing kits?

I don't even dye my hair.

You know what?
I used to do dye jobs

at my auntie's shop,
expressions.

And I think
you'll look gorgeous
with some highlights.

Oh, my gosh.

You would look so pretty.

I don't know.

No, no, no, no.
You would look gorgeous.

Just, like, a couple.

Just really, really subtle.

Just a couple
of highlights
in the front

to frame your face.
Oh, my god,

you would look so pretty.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Ok.

Let's do it!
Let's do it!

Of course I can come
to your 27th birthday party.

I miss hearing your voice.

So send hello
to the boys for me,

and have a good day.

That smells like a booty call.

That is
a make-love call, greg.

So what?
So she called you.

Dude, she didn't even
have to call me.

I sent her an e-mail.

She could have
just clicked "yes"

next to "are you coming?"
But no, she called.

Dude, are you
smoking pot in here?

We're not smoking pot, rex.

Dude, I know what
it smells like, all right?

Papa sucked a bit of it down

in his time, ok?
This is my house.

I didn't have
to let you live here

after your mama
kicked me out, did I?

Dude, we don't even
smoke pot, man.

Let me tell you something.

I inhale your secondhand smoke?

By noon, I'm smoking
a cr*ck pipe, you hear me?

I gotta keep it on
the straight and narrow.

I know.
I know you know, brougham.

Eugene? Lay off
the steak-ums, ok?

Papa's got a big appetite,
but I can't pay for it.

She's just so sweet.
It's practically pity.

It is not pity, greg.
It is... it's passion.

Passion?

"Have a good day,
and say hello to the boys."

Yeah, that's...
I'm all hot now, eric.

I could be hitting that
in a half an hour.

Oh, yeah, you think?

I know it.
You want to bet?

Yeah.
Fine. Let's go, man.
Gentleman's bet.

Gentleman's bet.

We'll see about this.

We'll see who's laughing
in a second.

Call her up.

♪ all rolled into one ♪

♪ I'm a bitch,
I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint ♪

♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪

she's not there, man.
I'm calling again.

Yo, eugene, call her on
her cell phone, all right?

I don't have her number.

Dude, you know her number!

Call her on her cell phone!

Uh, lizzie, um,
that's under "l."

Ok. Oh, got it.

♪ I'm nothing in between ♪

♪ you know you wouldn't
want it any other way ♪

I'm going to message, guys.

Oh, it's going to message.

No, dude.
Don't leave a message.

Oh, leave a message?
All right.

No, just hang up.
Nothing's happening.

What should I do?
Should I leave a message?

Push "end."

Uh, what's "key guard?"

Greg, answer me, man.
Should I leave a message?

Dude, mine's going
to message, too.
Do I leave a message?

Should I leave a message?

No, man. Hang up.
Push "end."

Push "end," eugene.
Greg, I'm going to message.

Do I leave a message or not?

Wait one second.

Greg, do I leave
a message or not?!

Like this...
I did. It's
not working.

Somebody answer me.
Do I leave a message or not?

Hang up.

I'm hanging up.

Come on. Get your guys'
stuff together. We're
going to the college.

Again?
What? Oh, come on.

Up! Up and at 'em!
Everybody out!

Dude, this is terrible, man.
I hate this, man.

I feel like
horrible things are about...

dude, I'm going to
my friend's house, greg.

There's nothing wrong
with that.

I go to your guys'
houses all the time.

But, dude, you're not
her friend, eric, man.

You're some kind
of stalker who needs
to drive slower, man.

That's not a friend face.

Dude, I went out
with her for 4 years.

Obviously, she's my friend.

You must be good friends
if you're ok with her

having sex with someone else.

Rachel, yours looks
so beautiful.

How does mine look?

Good.

So this is just, like,
the first step

of a 2-step process,
right?

No, this it.

This how highlights
supposed to look.

This how we did it
at expression.

I'm so excited.

Heh heh heh.
Me, too. Heh.

I wasn't trying
to make you cry.

I was just saying that
what if steven is there

and they're having sex
or whatever?

Dude, eugene, it's fine, man,

but I don't need to hear that.

Dude...

This is the right move,
man, I'm telling you.

It doesn't feel that way, greg.

It is, but in the meantime?

Dude, you gotta nail
another chick.

Nail another chick, man?
I don't know, greg.

Janice has got this friend.

Dude, her name is alice.

She's so crazy
stupid hot it's like...

she's good to go.
And she likes big guys.

Yo, why didn't you hook us up?

If you love lizzie,
you'll nail alice.

It'll be therapeutic.

♪ ain't nothing
wrong with that ♪

♪ we hittin' switches ♪

♪ ain't nothing
wrong with that ♪

♪ we pimpin' b*tches ♪

♪ ain't nothing
wrong with that ♪

♪ get in your cabbage ♪

♪ ain't nothing
wrong with that ♪

♪ we livin' lawless ♪

♪ ain't nothing
wrong with that ♪

it's so unclassy.
I'd never...

it's classy!
It's very classy!

Believe in yourself.

Do it. Just do it.
Come on.

Look, she's about
to do it right now.

Oh, god, do it.

Aww.
Come on.

Show 'em.
She's walking around

for a half an hour.
Just... please.

She looks like helen hunt.

She's got her bead.

Why wouldn't she do it
already, for god's sake?

Show them!

Um, uh, steven?

Lizzie's asking for you.

You
destroyed my hair!

But I'm, like...
I'm a classy girl.

I've never done...

all right, just pause it
till I come back, ok?

Oh, my god!

I've never...

Come on,
what are you doing?

Here it is.
Here it is.

Oh!

Oh, my god!

See? And she
built up suspense.

It was better
that she did that.

Wow. Uh, that's cool.
It's like...

I like the stripes.

It's not cool.
It's horrible.

What? No.
Why do you say that?

Why... why
is it horrible?

Because tina ruined my hair.

I think you look sexy.

Yeah, you know?
I mean, I think

it'll look really
pretty when it's dry.

It couldn't be any drier.

Oh, my god!

Steve, you gotta see this!

Wait. No.
Steven, steven.

Just be her boyfriend.

What does that mean?

Just tell her
everything's gonna be ok.

Hello.

Hey.

Damn.

Mmm. Hi, baby.

Hey. Hey.

Welcome to kopy town.

So are you eric?

Only if you're alice.

Heh heh.
What's up?

Um, so, call me
when you guys
need a ride, ok?

Where are you going?

I have a sore throat.

Where's mine going?

What do you want
me to say? Bleeah?

Yeah. I like
to say, "buhh, buhh."

Oh, god!

Hey!

Uh-oh! Hello.

They should give us beads
for looking at those.

This is a total nightmare.

I'm gonna need a wig.

Oh, no, no.
Don't worry.

Rachel will fix it
before you can say,
"bad hair day."

Heh heh.

Now, I am just gonna be
in the other room,

and you can call me
when you're done, ok?

No. Sit with me.
Come on. I'm scared.

Hold my hand.

Steven!
I've discovered
your new mother!

Yeah, and she's
young and drunk!

So it's gonna, uh, it's
gonna look beautiful,

uh, really soon.
Right, rachey-rache?

Yeah, it looks great.

Heh. See? Great.

Oh, man!

No hesitation,
no hesitation.

So is that the whore?

Alice.
What?

No, it's all right.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, that's the whore.

A tongue stud, huh?

That's very, uh...
that's very sexy.

You likey?

I, uh... I do.
I likey.

It does the trick.

Ha ha ha ha.

What trick?

Oh, god.

You know, I've always wondered

where copy shops
keep their paper.

Um, that would be the...
the paper dungeon.

Well, I'd love to see it.

Mmm. Mmm!

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm!

Uh, uh, are you ok?

I... I think
I swallowed something.

Like a...

Oh.

Like a tooth
or gum or something.

Um, I...

I think you...
you swallowed
my tongue stud.

Oh, did I?
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my god.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.

It's fine. It's fine.
Don't worry about it.

Janice's brother swallowed
my tongue stud, too.

Just when it comes out
the other end,

just give it to janice,

and then she'll pass it along.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dude, that was
in another guy's ass?

What? I cleaned it.

I can't...
I can't do this.

I need for you to understand...

I think you're
such a special girl.

And I'm so sorry if I did
anything to hurt you.

Please say something.

This is so lame.

You know what?
This sucks.

Let's meet celeste
at abujay's condo.

Oh, my god.
Shut up!

I knew it.

You've been
screwing abujay
again, haven't you?

You know, you would think that.

And that is why I would now!

Get the hell out of here!

You get the hell out of here!

I never want to see you again!

What are you doing?

I'm calling lizzie, man.

I tried to stop him.

You're gonna call
that whore after
what she did to you?

Do not ever
call lizzie a whore.

You called her a whore, man.

Greg, listen to me.

Do not call
my girlfriend a whore.

First of all, she's not
your girlfriend, eric.

She's not any
of our girlfriends!

You better switch gears,
greg, you hear me?

You better switch gears
real fast, my man.

You're gonna get
your balloon popped.

Oh, you're gonna
pop my balloon?

Yeah.
Come on, man!

I'm right here!

Ah!

Oh, god.
The workcentre pro.

Oh!

Get out of here.
Both of you.

I want you guys out of here.

Are we in trouble?
Get out of here, man.

Get out of here!

Get the hell out of here!

If my hair doesn't get fixed,

I'll k*ll myself.

No, you just dye it back.

It's not that simple, steven.

If I dye my hair
too many times,

it will all fall out.

And if I don't,
I will look like shrek.

Ok, I'm sorry that I don't know

about the intricacies
of hair dyeing.

Stop yelling at me!

Haven't I already been
through enough today?

Bad dye job?
I can fix it.

You know what, perry?

This is neither
the time nor the place.

No, no.
I'm being sincere.

My own hair went gray
when I was 15,

so I have to dye it, like,
you know, once a week.

Really?

Oh, now I'm the freak? Ok,
stick with that, garfield.

Well, are you sure
you can do it well?

Have you seen me?
I'll get my stuff.

His hair actually does
look pretty good.

Hello.

What?
What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I am studying.

Really? What are
you studying?

Psychology.
Oh, is that right?

'Cause you're insane...

I know.

Give me
the camera.
No.

Give it to me.
No!

Arrgh! I'm redbeard
the pirate,

and I've come for your booty.

I think you're
so masculine.

Oh, you do?

Mmm.
That tasted good.

Come here, baby.

You should turn the camera off.

Ok.

It is not off!

You gonna love me
forever, baby?

Of course.

Mm-hmm.

Promise?

Of course.

Forever?

Forever and ever and ever.

Oh, you want to talk about
your relationship?

Yeah, I would like to.

You know what
a relationship is?

Real exciting love affair...

That turns into
ongoing nightmare...

Sobriety hangs in peril.

Or something like that.

I got it tattooed on my back.

You want to read it?

When you want to talk
to me about it...

you want to read it?

You want to check the arm?

I know about the arm, rex.

Maybe it's time to check it.

Sometimes I check it...

And it's on my arm.

Whatever.

I miss lizzie, man.
I miss her so much.

She's a good girl, man.
I know.

I know.

Reminds me of another girl...

I once knew.

Who?

Her name is your mother.

I'll tell you something, buddy.

There is nothing as good

as the love of a good woman...

Except ecstasy.

You want to do some ecstasy?

No, man.

Neither do I.
And I was testing you.

And guess what?
You passed the test.

Let's do some more reps.
Let's do some more reps.
Come on.

I got this oiled and wrapped.

Now I need towels.
Rachel, that's all you.

Tina, do we have conditioner?

Yeah. A half gallon.

On standby.

Um, hey, perry, like,

around how long does this take?

If you don't want to be here...

would you stop snapping at me?

I'm not the one
who messed up
your hair, am I?

I'm... I'm... I'm
supporting you.

Oh, by trying
to get out of here

to watch a bunch of drunk hos

show their boobs for no reason?

For no reason?
They do it for beads.

You're a jerk.

Eric never would have
treated me this way.

Wow. Eric.
Well, you know,

why don't you call eric up

so you can yell
at him instead of me.

Thank you very much.
Peace.

Uh-oh. Goon squad.
What's up?

Hey, eugene, my guy's
back from portland
if you're interested.

Oh.

Aren't you on probation?

Yeah, man. I was
just talking about
for you, you know?

I don't know, you know,
what your deal is.

No judgment, you know?

Aren't you going
to a.A.?

I've been trying
to get a ride all day.

Can you guys give me a ride?

Hey... hey, dude.
Um, have you seen eric?

Head case?

Stewing in the car.

Cool. Thanks, man.

Hey, come on, man.
We gotta go if we're
gonna b*at traffic.

Where are we going?

To campus.
See lizzie.

There's no traffic on saturday.

Get in.

Let's b*at traffic.

Shotgun.

Oh!

Come on. Get in, guys.
Let's go!

So what did I miss?

We ran out of tapes.

No boobs, no p.B.

Oh, I am so full.

I feel dirty. I...
I don't like myself now.

Hey, hal?
You want to take
one of these?

Here.
Spring break.

Wow. I'll get this
right back to you...

When I'm done with it.

So, dudes, is there any
of that cookie dough left?

Hey, wait a minute.

What the hell? No!

No! No! For god's sake,
don't do it!

Oh, my god!

♪ love gets you twisted ♪

♪ love gets you twisted
all the way ♪

♪ the hearts are
enlisted here ♪

♪ the hearts are enlisted
to break the chain ♪

♪ I try to straighten out,
but I'm ♪

♪ too wrapped up to see ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ how it's supposed to be ♪

♪ love gets you twisted ♪

♪ love gets you twisted
inside out ♪

♪ I have no doubt ♪

♪ when she's in my arms,
I get ♪

♪ tangled up, it's true ♪

♪ I can't see ♪

♪ the other point of view ♪

♪ and love gets you twisted ♪

♪ love gets you twisted ♪

I am so sorry.

Your hair looks beautiful.

Better than
girls gone wild?

Oh, it's prettier than
every girl gone wild.

Their hair sucks.

That's all I wanted.

God, their hair sucks.

Oh.

♪ when love gets you
twisted... ♪

close the door.
Close the door.

♪ when love gets you twisted ♪

♪ when love gets you
twisted... ♪

I want you to know
I got your message,

I think it's great
you're coming to my party,

and I'll see you later.
Ok. Bye.

That sounded good.

Like you didn't
need her at all.

Then we're good.

I got her right
where I want her.

Oh, hey, uh,

could you, uh,

could you give this
to alice for me?

She's hot, man.

I... I think
she might like you.

Tongue stud?
Where'd you get that?

Wow, man.
Thanks for the solid.

I want eugene.

Eugene's so hot.

Mmm! I want eugene.

Really cool.
Where'd you get it?