-♪ Ace Ventura -♪ Pet Detective
Yes, can ya feel it?
♪ He can sniff like a dog He's slippery as a frog
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Raider like a bat He's a way cool cat
-♪ If there's a... On the trail -♪ He's so protective
Even if his brain seems defective!
-♪ Ace Ventura -♪ Pet Detective
♪ He can go back in time And save a dino in distress
♪ Ace Ventura
Yes! Yes!
♪He squashed an alien bug
♪ What a mess
Gross!
♪ He's pesky as a flea Stings like a bee
♪ Swings like a monkey What a hunk
-♪ He's Ace Ventura -♪ Pet Detective
♪ Ace Ventura ♪
Alrighty, then!
[FLY BUZZING]
ACE: Miami. AM. It's hot. Pizza hot.
Hotter than my underwear after five-alarm chili.
Ah!
[SPIKE SCREECHING]
Spank you, Spike.
[SPIKE CONTINUES SCREECHING]
Quit complaining, my retrieving rhesus, and get my morning paper.
-[OWL HOOTS] -[DOG BARKS]
[BEE BUZZING]
Good boy, Bo. Now let Uncle Ace have it.
How about a nice tasty biscuit?
Okay, okay, okay!
That's the last time I let Spike teach you any tricks.
Mr. Ventura!
Mr. Ace Ventura!
Presented for your consideration, a man who hears voices.
He's on a one-way trip to the Twinkie Zone.
That's the last booger you'll ever see, pal.
Yuck! Now, here's an argument against nuclear power.
Help me! Please, help me!
Sorry, I'm a pet detective. I don't do bugs.
Even a bug with a big bank account?
Spike, do not eat the clients.
Ew!
What did you have for breakfast?
I am Dr. Stanley Buzzenstein, world-famous inventor.
I was developing a matter transporter
for this year's invention convention.
But during the first test, I was knocked kaput.
My invention was gone,
and my molecules had been scrambled with those of a common house fly.
You must save a fortune in cab fare.
This is important, Mr. Ventura.
I need my invention back and my body.
Dr. B, you can count on me.
Up or down, Ace Ventura knows his flies.
[ACE BUZZES] Baby-o!
Baby, yeah!
[SPIKE CHATTERING]
I know all flies look alike, Spike,
but we're looking for a six-foot musca domestica in a lab coat.
Get ready, here they come!
Oh-oh. [SPIKE SCREAMS]
Hey, Spike, no party breaks till lunch!
-[BUZZING BEES APPROACHING] -[ACE SCREAMING]
Houseflies, fruit flies and that's oh, my!
Houseflies, fruit flies and that's oh, my!
Houseflies, fruit flies and that's... [SCREAMS]
One thing I know about flies, Spike, they love fresh cow pie.
But then again, who doesn't?
[VICTORIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNIFFS] Houston, we have a problem.
No! I've only just begun to live.
This isn't fair!
Help! I can't breathe.
KitKat bars! Star trek! Purchasing!
I have so much to live for. I don't want to die.
I'm thinking Academy Award, Spike. How about you?
[SPIKE SCREECHES]
[BEE BUZZING]
DR. STANLEY: This is my laboratory, Mr. Ventura.
Delightful crime scene you have here, Doctor.
Have you ever thought about inventing,
oh, some curtains, a nice sofa, a light bulb?
Mr. Spike, tricorder readings indicate the absence of matter transporter.
[BEEPING]
Life, life! Give my creations life!
It's alive! Alive!
And darn tasty, too. Love that broccoli!
DR. STANLEY: Mr. Ventura, please! Time is of the very essence.
Oh, and I found this on the floor.
Our careless thief has left us his calling card.
A sequin.
This type of sequin hasn't been in fashion since the 's.
In fact, the only place to find them now is...
-[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING] -[CROWD CHEERING]
Let's partey! Hey, hey, monkey boy!
[PARTY MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]
Gee-hee-hee! Let me think.
Ah-ha! A perfect match.
And here's our second contestant for the disco dance-off.
And what's your name, sir?
Ace Ventura, pet detective.
-And you are? -[BUZZES]
Okay, Mr. Zz. Hit the floor and let's disco!
[PARTY MUSIC CONTINUES]
-[BUZZES] -And now, Ace Ventura!
Alrighty, then! Let's dance!
Excuse me, but your fly is down.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
This is the happiest day of my life.
I'm happier than Kleenex at a snot party.
Spank you! Spank you! Spank you!
You're too kind! You're much too kind!
[BLOWS KISSES]
Yeesh! You're too ugly. Loser!
[FLY MAN GROANS]
[BUZZES]
Oh, baby! I can't wait till we're alone.
Ouch!
The fly swatted me.
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]
[SNIFFS]
Whoo! Now I know why you don't have any fleas.
He's gone. This is terrible!
And what's worse, the fiend took my dance trophy.
Now it's personal.
DR. STANLEY: Mr. Ventura, we must get to the transporter.
Oh, yeah. Right. That, too.
Come on, my monkey maniac. After that fly!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Give it up, fly-boy. I've got you zipped.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Mmm... Decaf! French vanilla!
Whoa-ho!
[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]
Oh, no! Curses!
Just our luck to be foiled by a convention of garbage men.
Wait a minute. Convention, invention!
Convention, invention!
That's it!
Tell me, my gorilla genius,
if you'd just stolen Dr. B's hot new invention, where would you go?
-[SPIKE SCREECHES] -[ACE SIGHS]
Yes, after you get something to eat.
That's right. The invention convention!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
And this band-aid in the center holds the broken glasses together.
-MAN: Ooh! -WOMAN: Ooh!
-No! -It cannot be!
We are truly blessed.
-Can it be him? -Is it possible?
It is! It is!
SPIKE: Oh-oh.
Hey, you, Spike!
That's the last time I let you eat beans for lunch.
Einstein, you honor us with your genius.
Please! Please, an equation! Please give us a secret formula.
To the blackboard.
Quiet!
Please, I must have absolute silence.
Alrighty, then.
-[SHRIEKING SOUND] -Hi-yah!
[INHALES]
Take the kilometric weight of Free Willy,
divided by apple pie R squared and Toys R Us.
Mix in the cube root of a politician's lives,
multiply the radius of Shatner's toupee,
and that is why time is money.
-[ACE INHALES DEEPLY] -[CROWD CHEERING]
Spank you! Spank you!
[BLOWS KISSES]
MAN : I want his pocket protector.
MAN : I want a lock of his hair.
-WOMAN: I want to marry him. -[ACE GRUNTS]
Now I know how a soccer ball feels.
[SCREAMING]
Einstein, come back! Please! Einstein, come on!
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
Next time, I'll ask for the original recipe.
The electric nose picker. Genius!
-[ACE GAGGING] -[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Can ya feel it? Yes! Yes! Yes!
Look!
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
Mr. Spike, all engines ahead, world factor seven!
Whee!
Captain's log. The aliens on this planet resemble humans, only uglier.
Set phasors on liposuction.
Hmm, dinner!
Parsley-ass, power-gas!
And could you please butter my buns?
This is an outrage! Who let this man into the banquet?
Someone please call security.
Forget security. Call a doctor.
I can't see a thing with these new glasses.
The winner, and still ugly, you!
[SLURPING]
Umm! Gazpacho!
Excuse me, but there's a talking fly in my soup.
That's nothing! There's a monkey in mine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of tonight's first prize
for his matter transporter invention is Melvin, the paper boy.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Thank you! Thank you very much!
You know, it's not easy being both a paper boy
and a world famous inventor but I'm a...
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
He's no inventor.
Melvin is just a paper boy who stole his invention from Dr. Stanley Buzzenstein
and I have the Doctor here to prove it.
That is true. Melvin stole it from me.
A fly! He's got a talking fly.
I must have it for my research.
I saw it first.
Quick, Spike! Alert the media.
I've just turned a room full of nerds into the world wrestling federation.
Or maybe later!
Don't squeeze too hard, my pet.
Melvin, what are you doing with my disco buddy, the fly head?
Not only is he my no-evil fly head,
but he's going to take over my paper route.
Then tell him to keep the paper away from the sprinklers.
I'll never have to work again.
From now on, my life will be nothing but pizza and comic books.
Are you accepting resumes?
Very funny, Mr. Ventura, but you aren't going to stop me.
Bring them over here, my new employee,
and stuff them in the matter transporter.
Whoo! Do not go in there!
Do you have something in a long?
Say goodbye to Ace Ventura as you know him.
[LAUGHING]
Watch it!
Yodel ay yodel ay hee hoo!
But I like me. I really like me.
And I still want my dance trophy back.
[ACE SCREECHING]
Spike, I feel different. I feel lighter.
I feel shorter?
I've got Spike's body and he doesn't use conditioner.
Come on, we've got to stop Melvin, and get our bodies back.
-[SPIKE SCREECHING] -What do you mean, "In a little while"?
-[KEYS JINGLING] -[SPIKE LAUGHING]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Spike!
[BEE BUZZING]
DR. STANLEY: Quickly, Mr. Ventura! We must make haste.
Look, the world's ugliest monkey!
Yuck! How horrible!
I want him, too. Get them!
Whoa!
-WOMAN: Don't go anywhere. -MAN: Where's he gone?
Ex-squeeze me! Coming through! Ex-squeeze me!
Spike, where are you?
DR. STANLEY: I don't see him anywhere.
Pardon me!
Have you seen a rather large monkey in a Hawaiian shirt
with an excellent manly physique?
Help! A monster!
That's you, looking in the mirror, lady.
Got you, you little devil dog!
You ain't terrorizing my city.
Get your filthy hands off me, you dang dirty ape!
Ooh, it talks, too! Yessiree!
[DOGS BARKING]
You are one homely animal.
I'm not an animal.
I'm Ace Ventura, a slightly transformed pet detective.
With a lovely tail and a slight case of fleas.
Hah! And I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
Now get in there and be quiet.
Hey, pal, no one touches the dude!
Ooh! I'm so scared! [LAUGHS]
-[DOGS BARING] -[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
If you need a place to stay, here's my card.
Take it and pass it around. I'm on a tight budget.
I hope I find a nice home.
[SOBS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi, Spike!
Blessed, Monkey Man, you're the greatest!
Aha! There's that AWOL ape.
Hey, you!
The boys ofBaywatch!
No monkeys allowed on the beach!
ACE: I'm not a monkey. I just play one on TV.
Spike, you are my magic monkey man.
-[SPIKE SQUEAKS] -[ACE PANTING]
Spike! Thank heavens!
I've been looking all over Miami for you.
Boys, they're having a moron contest at the local mall.
You don't want to be late.
Come back to me, Spike. We're a team, buddy, you and me.
I can't do this without you.
You're my main monkey man.
Okay, I'll give you a % raise.
And I'll pick up the check for your dinner.
[ACE GROANS]
But no more dessert for you, banana-breath.
I've got to keep my girlish figure.
Call me, you little chimp Casanova. [GIGGLES]
Be sure to mention that in your spare time,
you swing from trees and eat beetles.
That's attractive!
WOMAN: Use that thing to clean up your room, Melvin.
-Then I'll be impressed. -Yeah, right, Mom!
Will your ugly fly friend be staying for supper?
Hey, watch my fingers, you stupid fly head!
-[FLY MAN BUZZES] -MELVIN: Ow! Ow! Ow!
[FLY BUZZING]
ACE: Hello, Melvin!
By the way, I used your last roll.
How did you ever find me?
I put the D in detective, my nefarious newsboy.
I follow the clues, I uncover leads, and I interview witnesses.
To relax, I read the phone book.
You'd be surprised at the number of villains who live with their mommy.
Now, the money and that matter transporter belonged to Dr. B.
I belong in my old manly physique.
Try and stop me. Get him, fly-head!
Miss me! Miss me again!
-And again! -[FLY MAN BUZZES]
[SPIKE LAUGHING]
Keep going!
You're getting warmer.
Melvin, if you and your friends are going to roughhouse,
you'll have to take it outside.
-[SPIKE SCREECHES] -MELVIN: Ow! Ow!
And no fingerprints on the walls.
Fortunately, I know a fly's weakness for nasty disgusting things.
Dirty socks!
Dirty, stinky, smelly socks, the kind that flies love!
[FLY MAN BUZZES]
Here, fly-boy! Come and get them!
Step inside, Dr. B, and let the party begin.
My socks! My lucky socks!
This should be fun!
[MACHINE STARTING UP]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
MELVIN'S MOTHER: Melvin, you are grounded for life.
Mom!
I hope Melvin's mom is handy with a hammer.
Thank you, Mr. Ventura.
I will recommend you to all my mad scientist friends.
See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
[FLY BUZZING]
[GASPS]
Help me, Ace Ventura. Help me!
That does it!
I'm canceling my ad in the Yellow Pages.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Ace Ventura
♪ Pet detective ♪