We are back, b*tches!
- Ba-bam!
- Yeah!
We are subjecting ourselves
to another season of punishment
for your enjoyment.
That's right. That's right.
I hope you all enjoy it
'cause we're back, baby.
But before we jump headfirst
into season
we wanted to take a few minutes
to talk to you about
some of our favorite moments.
Let's relive some of the horror.
[laughing]
Excellent. Excellent.
[men laughing]
The show is torturous enough
where we never know what
we have to say or do.
It's ten times worse
when we think we know
we think we've
got a handle on what's about
to happen, and then something
changes.
You don't know what's coming,
and your friends do.
Right. And then everybody
could be involved in it.
Like, the-the crew,
the camera guy
everybody could know but me.
We have got Q's dad
to come here today.
'Q has no idea.'
If you think it's hard for us
to say these things to strangers
the only way we can top
ourselves is
if we have to speak it
to our own parents.
Here he is. Here he is.
[chuckles]
[men laughing]
What the [bleep]
What am I supposed to do,
pretend this isn't my father?
Dad, what are you doing here?
[laughing]
Alright. Here we go.
Well, what can I help you with,
sir?
- Three hamburgers.
- Three burgers?
Let me ask you a question,
pops, you and mom still poke?
[laughing]
What's up, pops?
You and mom still poke?
E-everybody settle down.
[laughing]
Do you and mom..
[laughing]
He can't do it. He can't do it.
What's u.. I can't breathe.
- 'It's impossible.'
- 'Do it!'
You understand I have to..
[laughing]
So, with that, do you and mom..
[clears throat]
So is that to stay or to go,
dad?
- 'Oh!'
- Stay? Okay.
Alright, pop,
well, here's your change.
So, what do you say, dad?
Can I get a tip?
That's the tip I get.
My father didn't tip me.
I have, in my life, had a lot
of moments of confusion.
Like, almost every day, I wake
up, and I'm like, "Where am I?
Who am I? What's going on?"
but when my father walked into
the store
and my mind didn't jump to
"Oh, the guys brought him in."
My mind jumped to, like,
"Why is my dad here?"
He just randomly was there.
I was trying to figure out,
like, yeah, things to
to come up with, "Oh,
he's hungry for White Castle.
He didn't know, he just came
to visit me today."
Your dad lives nowhere near
that White Castle.
I know, he lives miles away.
For my book punishment, what
I was told was that there would
be an excerpt of very personal
details from my life that I may
or may not be very upset about.
When you watch the episode,
you'll see me sitting
in a chair,
looking like I'm this close
'to projectile vomiting.'
We're here at the bookstore
to punish Sal.
And congrats, buddy.
You are the author
of a brand-new book.
'And we have set up a book
reading downstairs'
with a bunch of
people from a book club
and they're here to meet
the author.
Okay, so what Sal doesn't
know is that his book is
completely blank.
(Q)
'He's gonna have to make it up
as he goes along.'
Hi, everyone. How are you?
My name is Sal Vulcano.
I'm a new author.
Uh, this is my first published
work.
And I was gonna read an excerpt
for you guys
from the book today.
The book is called
"Keeping The Faith, My Battle
With Chronic Flatulence."
[laughing]
It's a-it's a very raw book.
It's..
I don't pull any punches.
Okay, so I'll begin.
[laughing]
[Sal chuckles]
Yeah. Um, okay.
[laughing continues]
'Uh..'
...just making sure they marked
the right page for me.
Yeah. Uh..
[men laughing]
Uh, it began when
I was just a baby.
The nurses and doctors, they
suspected that there may be
uh, an internal intestinal issue
uh, because
they heard many noises
coming from the baby area.
[men laughing]
Yeah.
People would make fun of me
and the only answer I had..
...was flatulence.
Uh, but I-I-I did
get an operation.
Uh, the operation backfired.
I flatulate twice as much now
and it seems like a cruel joke
that is being played on me.
[laughing]
My favorite is that
he couldn't find the words
"Maternity Ward," and he said
"In The Baby Area."
Oh, that's what you mean?
I thought you meant
the-the baby area.
- No.
- I just..
If you are not a screaming
pervert, then "baby area"
means what it's supposed
to mean.
- Right, right, right.
- No, it was your hand gestures.
- You did "The baby area."
- Stop doing that.
Murr, the heart sees
what it wants.
[laughing]
Well, the bipolar magnetic
reversal theory..
[stammers]
How did you even..
What did you google to
get that combination of words?
I thought of every big word
that I could
and I just started
arranging them.
- Oh, that's not a real thing?
- No.
[laughing]
So, we've got a short
PowerPoint presentation called
"Social Networking And You!"
Uh, okay, uh,
social networking is based on
the same exact core principle as
Bipolar Magnetic Reversal
Theory.
[laughing]
What is Bipolar Magnetic
Reversal Theory? Anyone know?
Is, uh..
So, bipolar,
two opposite things.
Reversal..
[men laughing]
Social networking is the same
as that.
[men laughing]
My favorite part of that
punishment is the microphone
by your eyeball.
(Murr)
'It kept sliding out.'
A yellow mike right here by
your eye.
Yellow thing right on his
face the entire time.
We found a way to up
your douche quotient.
[laughing]
Well, when I- when I took out
the book and it said
"Portuguese.."
I know that Portuguese
is close to Spanish.
It's hard enough to fake talk,
but to fake sing
it's even harder.
Even in English,
you can't sing, so..
Let's see what
we are teaching today.
Okay, so..
Oh, Portuguese.
So, we're gonna do some
Portuguese today.
- Okay.
- Right now I'd like to..
Sing a Portuguese love song
to you.
[Q laughing]
...sing a Portuguese love song.
Let me think which one I want to
sing 'cause I know so many
Portuguese love songs.
[laughing]
[vocalizes]
[chuckles]
[singing indistinctly]
(Q)
'She looks shell-shocked.'
[singing continues]
[men laughing]
My American love song
is even worse.
She had an amused look
on her face.
- I thought she was enjoying it.
- No, it wasn't amusement..
More like,
"Is this guy for serious?"
- Bewilderment.
- Yeah.
Like, where, how do I call
security in this place?
You abandoned our trick,
which I taught you one day
which was to say real things but
make it sound..
- Like what?
- Like..
[foreign accent]
The car is parked
in the street-o.
- 'What?'
- Car's parked in the street.
Like, you just say it, but you
make it sound really--
That's not as good as a trick
as you think it was
'cause I clearly heard you say
the car is parked
in the street-o.
[laughing]
(male narrator)
Coming up..
If somebody whispered to my
food, I wouldn't eat it.
Sal's sweet talk
gets a sour reaction.
[whispering]
You're a good little tart.
And later,
the guys offer lap dances
in the park in a lost scene
from season .
They go through so many
emotions, the people on our show
confusion, anger, excitement.
- Excitement.
- Hysterics.
I don't know how I would react
to someone whispering
to my food.
I guess if someone was putting
their mouth close to my food
talking, I wouldn't like it.
- A raspberry tart?
- Whisper to the tart.
Be the tart whisperer.
[men laughing]
[whispering]
You're a good little tart.
You're gonna go. You're a good
little tart. Shh. Come here.
What else?
A cannoli? One mini one?
You're gonna go home
with this girl
and she's gonna eat you
and you're feel full.
Yes?
[men laughing]
Remember what I said.
Don't talk to the cannoli?
Sorry.
Don't worry.
She's gonna be alright.
[men laughing]
If somebody whispered to
my food, I wouldn't eat it.
- I wouldn't eat it.
- I would.
I got that last whisper in,
and she still took them.
Well, at that point, I think
she knew she was outmatched.
[laughs]
'Right.'
Hands down, best reaction ever,
mustache guy.
Yes.
You're gonna hit the next
customer
with a "Hey, mustache."
I'm sorry, mustache. I'm..
Don't call you..
See, I couldn't even do it,
mustache. I had to..
I wasn't speaking to you.
I was speaking to her.
- 'Don't call me clown.'
- Well, don't call me clown.
(Joe)
'Don't call me clown mustache.'
Alright, mustache, don't call me
clown is all I'm saying.
I am not in an alpha-male-like
thing, where I'm just like
"What's up, mustache?"
I'm, like, trying to avoid
eye contact.
I'm giving all the signs
of a whipped, beaten dog.
I'm just trying to get it out
without a physical
confrontation.
I like how you really
completely punked out, though.
When he got, like,
really aggressive
you blamed the old lady.
[laughing]
Her reaction too, "Hmm?"
How about the guy that jumped
on the couch in the apartment?
- Yeah, right?
- 'Cause he was something else.
He played ball, man.
(Joe)
'Okay, let's see if Murr
can bag a roomie.'
- Hi, man.
- Hey. How you doing?
- James. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you? What's your name?
- Sidan.
- Thanks for coming by.
- Yeah, no problem.
- What do you do, man?
- Oh, I, I'm..
I do stocks in the neighborhood.
Murray, match his excitement.
I'm originally from
Borough Park.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah!
Get big, Murray.
[bleep] yeah, man!
That's awesome, bro!
That's awesome!
Murray doesn't know
what to do right now.
Murray is outmatched.
And here we can totally have,
like, parties out here.
We can, seriously, we can
[bleep] rock, man.
- You know what I mean?
- I love this guy.
Jump over the furniture.
[laughing]
You are the best!
[laughing]
So what do you say?
You want to move in?
And that was his real
personality, man.
He was so excited and so,
like, animated, I'm like..
There's never, in the world
before that moment
has anyone been that excited
to meet Murray.
[laughing]
Not only have we met a lot of
fun people doing this show
we've made up a lot of fun
people doing this show.
Who do we got? We got Larry,
Santiago, Uncle Clem.
The cleanest uncle in town.
[laughing]
Got a crazy message.
It's my uncle.
[scoffs]
- He's been staying at my place.
- Yeah.
And, you know, when I bring
chicks over..
Now Uncle Clem is living
with me.
I totally forgot to take it out.
Oh, my [bleep] Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
There's no way to escape this
now. We got him boxed in.
[cell phone beeps]
Alright, let's see
what he wants.
So, he just wrote back..
[men laughing]
[laughing continues]
I love that you kept trying
to get out of that
and then we just hit you
with a recap.
That was the best part of
that bit for me, was that you
kept, no matter what you could
say, we could instantly pull
the rug out underneath.
But have you seen
Uncle Clem's balls?
'They are something.'
I think Larry is, hands down,
the favorite.
- Yeah.
- Larry!
So, is there a specific price
range you were looking at?
You want.. I got to check.
[men laughing]
Larry? Larry?
Larry!
Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry?
Larry, I need azlet, size seven!
One more, as loud as you can.
Do it right in her face.
Larry! !
[laughing]
Larry! I need an eight
and a half!
I was calling you, Larry!
Larry! Larry!
He's cutting the whole line
by simply shouting "Larry."
Larry! Larry!
[laughing]
- Oh.
- Not Larry?
No, he's not Larry.
Oh. That's a shame.
Wasn't Larry.
Larry is the number-one
thing I hear screamed at me
when I walk down the street.
I think they like Larry
better than any of us.
- Larry's a real guy.
- Yeah.
He's actually a member
of our crew
the nicest guy in the world.
He's so nice that we would
scream at him.
You can't help
but yell at him.
"Larry, where the F
is my sandwich?"
and it just worked its way into
the show.
- Larry!
- Larry!
Larry!
Coming up..
We didn't expect people
to get so angry.
...Sal sticks his
fork where it doesn't belong.
- Are you crazy?
- And later..
Sal and Murr
hit all the wrong notes..
♪ And years ♪♪
...in a bonus scene
from season .
There are some moments of our
show that are so shocking
it literally brings the show
to a standstill
and surprises the hell
out of us, too, right?
Either that we're surprised
or we're..
We think we're gonna get k*lled.
[laughing]
I couldn't believe what was
going on in that room
when you started stealing food
off people's plates.
We almost got thrown
out of the whole place.
That word, the only word
for that is "Mayhem."
- 'Let's go, fearless.'
- My God, my favorite, y'all.
Love it.
[men laughing]
[chuckles]
[men laughing]
- 'Look at her face!'
- 'She doesn't know what to do.'
- 'Here he goes.'
- 'Oh!'
Loco, boss?
Are you crazy?
Hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no, I just wanted..
Where did you find this one?
It's my favorite.
There's mayhem
going on out here.
There's complete mayhem.
[laughing]
(Q)
'The amount of dirty looks that
are getting thrown your way..'
We didn't expect people
to get so angry.
I figured, I'll k*ll them
with kindness.
Get out of there,
and I'll leave them in confusion
not contempt, right?
- But..
- That's not what happened.
- No, that is not.
- My God, my favorite, y'all.
'Right?'
There's an added level to the
whole thing when the general
public gets involved, 'cause you
don't know how far along
they'll play.
- Yeah, anything can happen.
- 'Anything can happen.'
You know, they could decide
they want to smell
a dog's butt that day.
Yeah, right, right, right.
(Sal)
'Take a puppy out of the cage,
Joe.'
- Mm-hmm.
- And smell its ass.
(Q)
'He's gonna do it,
I'm telling you.'
I think this is the right one.
[all groan]
No, I just..
You make sure, you know.
That's how you tell who's who.
Right, Melissa?
[sniffs]
[laughing]
You know, they have different
smells. Go ahead.
[sniffs]
[all groan]
- What are people thinking?
- Wow!
I love how you did it and,
like, believed it
all the way through.
"Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
Smell it."
[stammers]
..like, "Oh, smell, honey."
[laughing]
When we did the speed-dating
challenge
and your tooth fell out, oh..
It was insane.
She didn't know what to do
with herself.
I didn't know what to do
with myself.
[laughing]
Hello. Hey, how are you?
Start going way overboard
flattering this girl.
You are, let me tell you
something, gorgeous.
- G-O-R-R-G-O-U-Z-S..
- Oh, my God.
Gorrgouzs.
[laughing]
(Joe)
'His tooth fell out.
It's his tooth.'
'His tooth's on the table.'
- Oh, [bleep]
- 'It fell on the table.'
That's his tooth.
- That's awful.
- No. Don't worry about it.
- That's like..
- Be a pirate!
Be a pirate!
I'm like a pirate, like
"Arr! Arr, matey!"
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[laughing]
Arr!
Is that a common problem,
or that just happened?
It happens if I start talking
too fast.
It just, it projectiles out
and just, like, bounces off
things and stuff like that.
A lot of sugary drinks
as a child.
Coming up..
There are some clips that did
not make it to air.
...the jokers' hips don't lie
in an exclusive bonus scene
from season .
There are some lines that
we say on the show that just
take a life of their own.
They get thrown back at us on
Twitter, Facebook.
We hear them all the time.
It is an odd thing walking
down the street
and have people scream at me
to let them titties go.
[laughing]
(all)
All before you start to blow.
Women wear brassieres
that could be obstructive
or constricting.
You might want to take off
the brassiere.
Because the rule is
let them tittays go
before you start to blow.
[men laughing]
Yeah, okay, so..
[sighs]
So, the rule is..
...you want to let them tittays
go before you start to blow.
[men laughing]
Let's all say it.
So, let's say it together.
(all)
you want to let them
tittays go
before you start to blow.
[men laughing]
It's funny how sometimes,
how these lines come about.
They are made up in the moment,
'cause you have to just talk
and say something.
With, like, old English..
How are you so well-versed
in old English?
I just play
Dungeons & Dragons a lot.
[laughing]
Good morrow, sir, and welcome
to the castle of white!
What's thou craving?
Bring it to me,
and I shall slay it!
Two burgers of ham!
Two burgers of cheese!
Your wit, sir, is legendary!
[beeping]
'Tis confusion!
[men laughing]
Squire!
- Sire?
- There's cents.
(all)
Oh!
The most generous lord
in all the land!
I would love it if that was
your real voice.
We got to make the : a.m.
movie!
[laughing]
It's popcorn I want!
You'd be like, "Shut up, dude."
And I'd be like, "Alright."
There are some clips that did
not make it to air.
- Do we get to show it yet?
- Show the damn clip.
Roll the clip.
[laughing]
What you've got to do is
stand up and say whatever
we text you to say.
- You sent it?
- I sent it, yeah.
- 'Here it goes.'
- 'One new message.'
When I was in the ninth
grade, my mom caught me
in our laundry room pleasuring
myself to a Kathy Ireland
"Swimsuit Edition" Magazine.
[laughing]
So, we're here at a huge
medical convention
'and we've set up a fake booth
with a fake company'
that we've made up.
And we'll be telling them
what to do and vice versa.
How are you today? Have you
heard of McClelland before?
Guys, sing, sing the
company jingle for her.
- Uh..
- 'Go ahead. Make one up.'
You might recognize
the jingle.
Um, it goes, uh..
♪ McClelland's Inc. ♪
♪ Here for you ♪
♪ From day to night ♪
♪ From month to year ♪
♪ And years and years
and years ♪♪
Keep going. Keep going.
♪ McClelland's Inc ♪
♪ Nurses doctors ♪
♪ Rabbits? not rabbits ♪
♪ McClelland's Inc ♪
♪ Not rabbits ♪
♪ Ding ♪♪
Now, the challenge is to go
up to people who are just
sitting alone,
minding their own business
and sashay in front of them.
[upbeat music]
[laughs]
Well, we've learned some stuff
from punishments in season .
I've learned not to lose.
What have I learned?
That dog crap is not cool.
Yeah, dog crap is definitely
not cool.
Don't put a toe in your mouth
if you don't know where
it's been.
I think the punishments
in season
are going to be ten times worse.
Oh, my. We're definitely gonna
get arrested.
In season ,
I will have my revenge.
[laughing]
[indistinct]
[laughing]
02x02 - The Stoop Sessions Part 1
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.