02x23 - Enter the Dragons
Posted: 03/18/23 18:33
(male narrator)
Coming up, why is Joe
going nowhere fast?
Come here, you son of a bitch.
(male narrator)
What's making Sal so scary?
- Holy [bleep]
- I'm sorry.
♪ Ready to rock you
ready to rock you ♪♪
(male narrator)
What happens when tonight's big
losers open for the rock band
Imagine Dragons in front
of a crowd of , ?
[instrumental music]
Today we're at the mall,
about to take an unusual
escalator ride with
fellow shoppers.
As we approach the escalator,
we'll be given tasks
that we must accomplish
before we reach the top.
If you cannot complete
one of your tasks
before the end
of your ride, you lose.
Things are gonna
escalate real quick!
- Ohh!
- No, he didn't!
Hey, Sal, this
is a super easy one.
(Joe)
'You just got to get someone'
to tell them the last
time they made.
- The last time they made?
- Last time they made.
- Made what?
- Whatever they made.
(Joe)
'Oh, comin' up, white shirt,
white shirt, comin' up.'
Oh, this is gonna be tough.
- 'Oh, she's doing the walk.'
- 'Catch her, catch her.'
When's the last
time you-I'm sorry!
What the hell?
She just screamed, aah!
- You terrified her.
- She scared me.
Your goal is to hug someone
for the entire ride up,
here he goes.
You know, I just want
to say, you're awesome, man.
I know, it's already
too late.
Yeah, from the top
to the bottom, come on.
I was supposed to go for
the whole length of the thing
so you want to hug me
on the way down?
Too much now.
If he does, we'll give
it to you.
- I can't believe this.
- This is crazy.
You're a great guy,
man, you know.
We need more hugs, less thugs,
you know what I'm saying?
- More hugs, less thugs?
- You going back up?
Alright, let's do it, come on.
Come here, what are you
doing? Come on, get in here.
Come on!
What do you got?
I'm ready to do anything.
On the way up,
call someone's mom.
- Call someone's mom?
- Call someone's mom.
That's it? That's easy.
- Here we go, here we go.
- Okay, bye.
Oh, are you going up?
Oh, yeah.
Do you mind if I-you know what?
You are a gentleman, thank you
for letting me go first.
I want to call your mom and tell
her she raised you right.
Oh, that's your mom right there.
What's your phone number,
real quick.
I'm gonna call you and tell
you you raised a good son.
What's that number? Oh!
What are the odds that
that's your mom right there?
Son of a..
- Murr, here's a clue.
- Yeah.
Don't get on the escalator
with a family.
I'm gonna keep going until
I call someone's mom.
Okay, and if you don't, we're
gonna give you a thumbs-down.
Take out your damn phone, and
let's call your mom together.
I'm a man at the end of my rope.
and if you don't call your
mom to say you love her
you're not getting
on this escalator.
Your moms need to know
that you love them.
Call your mom, nobody else
is getting pa..
Okay, you guys-just three
of you, but no one--
Call your mom and tell
her you love her.
Really? Oh.
- Can you call your mom?
- I can't, my hands are full.
You just got to give up at this
point, we got to move on.
(Q)
'This is your last chance,
buddy.'
You rather have someone
sniff your armpit?
- How about that, tough guy?
- Oh, wow.
There he goes.
Can I ask you guys a question?
I was about to buy two
different colognes there
and they sprayed it, and I don't
know which one I like better.
'Can you tell me which
one you like better?'
Okay, so, here's the first one..
...and here's the second one.
What do you think?
(Sal)
'He doesn't get her
to smell an armpit.'
He gets her to smell
both armpits.
(Q)
'Wow!'
Alright, guys,
what do I got to do?
- Get someone's belt off.
- Holy crap.
Just step on the escalator,
there you go.
Oh, guys! Guys! My pants
are falling down!
Any one of you guys got a belt
I could borrow real quick?
Guys, you got a belt
I could borrow?
You got a belt I could borrow?!
Who's got a belt?! Who's got
a belt?! Come on! Come on!
Come on with the belt!
Come on! Come on! Hurry!
Hurry! Come here!
Come here! Aah!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
- 'Josephine.'
- Sí.
You're gonna have to do
a mutual face caress.
You have to caress
someone's face
while they're caressing yours.
Do it to me, like..
- Oh, okay. So, like a pet?
- Yeah.
(Q)
'Oh, he's going.'
Just doing a..
I just-I just saw
a girl earlier
and she, like, really pulled
at my heart strings
and made me think of, like, that
face caress moment, you know?
You know what I'm talking
about, like, you know
you look into their eyes,
give me a little face caress.
Go ahead, do it, do it, no?
Come on, do it.
Oh [bleep] this noise.
what are you doing?!
Somebody's got to come up
sooner or later.
What you've just done is put
yourself on a stairmaster
my friend, and I'm not
betting on you
lasting that long
so go right ahead.
Does no one take the escalator?
Sorry, I dropped my thing,
how's the popcorn?
- Very good.
- Good, yeah, face caress or no?
Not into it? Thanks, man,
hey, bud, sorry, excuse me.
Ladies, real quick-a face
caress?
I need somebody to jump
on board with me, like, uh..
Go ahead, do it,
you want to do it?
No? No? Okay, well, that's,
you got your prerogative.
what's your deal?
Face caress or no?
[bleep] damn it.
- Get this guy's backpack.
- Give me your [bleep] backpack.
- Try caress again.
- Guys, I'm gonna die.
- 'This is the end.'
- This is the end of Joe Gatto.
What's up, man?
You've caressed faces much?
No? You put your hand on my
face, I put my hand on yours.
Come here, you son of a bitch.
Well, there's a time when
a man's got to admit
that it's over.
[instrumental music]
(male narrator)
Joe couldn't step it up
so he's taking a ride
on the loser board.
Today, we're whispering sweet
nothings into shoppers' ears.
And by sweet nothings, we mean
whatever the other guys tell us.
The goal is to get the person
to whisper back to you.
If they don't whisper
back, you lose.
(Joe)
'Sal's so insecure, watch this.'
- Sal, fix your shirt, man.
- Okay, what part?
The bottom there.
'Yep, the front,
the front, yep.'
The button, the button on
the bottom is [bleep] up.
(Joe)
'Yeah, yeah, is that
bottom button done?'
- No.
- 'Oh, okay.'
- That's why he's blousing.
- Yeah, it's blousing.
- Bl-wha..
- Your shirt looks fine.
- Oh, alright.
- It's the hair that's not..
What's wrong with the hair?
(Joe)
'The girl in front of you.'
Whole grain bread?
You dirty dog.
Whole grain bread?
You dirty dog.
Right? The whole grain bread?
Well, it has walnuts and..
She's on the verge
of whispering.
It's absolutely
delicious, right?
Usually, I'm here with my wife.
I don't like her to know I'm
getting the whole grain bread,
so I have to say to them, "I'll
take the whole grain bread."
You have to sneak it
from anybody?
- No.
- Alright, take care.
You were on the verge
of whisper.
Here, here, this guy
right in front of you.
Let's get real about Linda.
- Let's get real about--
- Oh, my God!
(Murr)
'Here, here, this guy right
in front of you.'
Let's get real about Linda.
- Let's get real about--
- Oh, my God!
Sorry I startled you.
Adios, amigo.
(Joe)
'The guy in front of you.'
Yo, you heard Johnboy bit it?
- Yo, you heard Johnboy bit it?
- Holy [bleep]
- I'm sorry.
- You scared the shit out of me.
(Q)
'Whoa! Sal is scaring
everybody out there.'
That's how Johnboy bit it
he got a heart attack
when somebody whispered
behind him.
I did the exact opposite
of the goal.
(Sal)
'This guy in red, buddy.'
Gary never gave me back
my hedge clippers.
Gary never gave me back
my hedge clippers.
- Yeah?
- Gary never returned them.
- Do we know each other?
- You know Gary?
No, I think you got me
confused with somebody else
though we can keep playing
around if it makes you happy.
Gary never gave them back to me.
Okay, give him a call,
text him.
Everybody's saying
to give him a call.
Thank you, buddy.
- Full volume, full volume.
- Not even a hint of whisper.
Joe, I'm gonna try something
a little different.
Whoever you go up to,
did you fart? Here we go.
Why fart? Why?
(Sal)
'Peach shirt, peach shirt.'
It's her husband right
next to her.
- Did you fart?
- Excuse me?
Did you fart?
- Did I fart? Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- No, you didn't?
- No.
Okay, 'cause I thought
I heard and smelled one.
- Okay.
- Okay, just curious.
I think I know how not to get
the police called on me today.
Oh, really? You got an idea?
I wore my nice black shoes
and a salmon shirt.
Why are you calling
it salmon, too?
It's pink.
Is this not the color
of a salmon?
It is, actually, yeah.
I stand corrected.
- Guy with the crutches.
- He can't get away.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
He's got to whisper.
All you got to do is buy
that ticket, my friend.
It's such a fun ride,
you're gonna love
this ride so much, man.
Why do I feel Murray's had
this exact conversation
many times before in his life?
You sure? You sure?
- Full volume, full volume.
- Not even a wisp of a whisper.
(Joe)
'This guy here in the stripes.'
Wanna finger paint?
Do you want to finger paint?
Excuse me? Can you back up, son?
You're a little bit too close.
(Q)
'She's pulling her son away!'
The mother bird
instinct kicked in!
Well, you got her to whisper,
she's whispering,
"Call the cops."
- Okay.
- What was that? What a weirdo!
(Joe)
'Q, just turn straight, okay.'
Now, if you turned around
and that was whispering
in your ear..
...I would definitely mace it.
(Murr)
'Big tall guy behind him?
Yeah, go get him, buddy.'
- Pull my waffle.
- Get right in his ear, man.
- Do it!
- Pull my waffle.
- Huh?
- Pull my waffle.
Yeah?
Oh, uh, we're just, uh,
in the middle of something.
Just gonna, pull-pull..
(Murr)
'This is what your life
has come to.'
You are a crushed man standing
alone in a supermarket.
- 'The girl in front of you.'
- Chauncey says, "What's up".
Chauncey says, "What's up."
He's an around-the-way guy,
he said to say what's up.
Tell him I said,
"hey, what's up? "
It's just that Chauncey's
very soft-spoken.
You know what I'm saying?
I will tell Chauncey
you said, "What's up."
- No way!
- Unbelievable!
(Murr)
'Stop doing the damn strut!'
(male narrator)
Sal, Joe, and Murr
can whisper sweet nothings
to each other
on the loser board.
Coming up, can tonight's
big losers
face the crowd as opening
act for Imagine Dragons?
Today, we're at the Essex
County turtle back zoo
conducting customer
satisfaction surveys.
But all of our questions have
been written by the other guys.
If you can't ask all the
questions on the clipboard.
- You lose.
- I'm gonna keep this cat.
That's a penguin.
(male narrator)
It's a joker versus joker
challenge.
- Did you enjoy the zoo today?
- Yes.
Would you mind if I asked
you a quick question?
"What was your favorite
exhibit that you
"visited today at the zoo?"
- Um, the birds. Yes.
- The birds? Okay.
"And is it a shame
all these animals
"will eventually become
crackers?" I mean..
They live their whole
lives out here.
They're gorgeous animals,
some from all different lands.
Eventually, they're gonna
become crackers.
Is that a shame? Do you agree?
Put in a box and shipped off
and some kid smacks them
around on a high chair,
gets them stuck to his lip.
- It's a shame yes, yes I agree.
- Yes.
- 'I hope you have a great day.'
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's exactly how animal
crackers are made you idiot.
Let me ask you a question,
okay.
Darlene in the ticket booth,
did she give you the 'tude
that she's famous for?
Did she do a lot of
the huffin' and the puffin'?
No, I didn't talk to her.
Can I ask you a quick question
on behalf of the zoo?
"Uh, you caught that
elephant dong?"
Did-I did what?
Did I caught it?
- You caught that elephant dong?
- I passed on that.
Oh, very good.
Okay, and last question..
I would never ask you
in a million years.
So, we are done here,
sir, alright.
Just that easy, huh?
Yes, I know this is a zoo,
but I'm not an animal.
Joe, what animals do you
think you're a combination of?
Like an orangutan had
sex with a toucan.
You mind taking a quick survey?
Give you a couple questions?
Did you visit the food pavilion?
Did you get some snackies?
- No, I didn't.
- Okay.
- Um..
- 'Here we go.'
"Did Yolanda in
the pheasant department
"hound you about her
pyramid scheme?"
- No.
- She didn't?
You didn't get approached
about that?
- Have a great day, thank you.
- Yolanda.
Uh, um, how m-oh.
Um..
"Um, out of all the animals
in the immediate area
"who would you most
like to dry-hump?"
Oh, my God!
- Seriously?
- Yeah, it's right there.
That's what they write
for me on these
and I just have
to make sure, you know.
- None!
- None-ski.
(male narrator)
Opposable thumbs down for Sal,
so he's tied with
Joe as tonight's big loser.
[instrumental music]
Joe and Sal lost!
So, for their punishment,
they're the opening act
for the Imagine Dragons concert!
Right here, you're opening
for them!
(Q)
'At Jones beach in front
of , people!'
They don't know their band name.
They don't know the names
of the songs they have to sing
until we give it to them.
We don't even know
how to play instruments!
(Q)
'Oh, that's right and we
dressed you like this'
'so you're gonna have
a great show!'
Is that a leotard?
What is that?
- Alright, get out there!
- Hit the stage!
I can't even watch this,
I feel sick.
(Q)
'Ladies and gentlemen,
get on your feet.'
'Brace yourselves
for the greatest live band'
'you've never seen.'
(Murr)
'Are you ready for..'
...Señor Alanza!
- 'Señor Alanza, get out there.'
- Señor Alanza.
That's our Spanish
teacher in high school.
- Get out there, Señor Alanza!
- 'Señor Alanza!'
- I'm so nervous for them.
- Where do I go?
(Sal)
'Where do I go?'
- Look at Joe!
- There's so many drums.
Oh, [bleep] me, man, no way.
(Murr)
'Are you ready for..'
...Señor Alanza!
- Get out there, Señor Alanza!
- 'Señor Alanza!'
- I'm so nervous for them.
- 'Look at Joe!'
There's so many drums.
Hey, everybody, how you doing?
Alright, very cool, we are
very happy to be here.
Opening for Imagination Dragon.
Opening for the Imagination
Dragons.
[audience booing]
The Imagination Dragons? I got
it wrong, Imagine Dragons.
Uh, alright.
I put in your pants pocket
a dedication for the set.
- Open it up and read it.
- Before we start, guys.
I just wrote a very, very
special dedication.
'And I hope you guys
appreciate it.'
The dedication goes like this,
"Guys, we'd like to dedicate
"this set to the people, oh."
"To the people of Pittsburgh."
We're in Long island!
"They were the best audience
we ever played for.
"We can already tell you guys
aren't gonna be nearly as good."
(Murr)
'You're no-you're no
Pittsburgh.'
- You're no Pittsburgh.
- That's right.
(Murr)
'We're gonna play a few songs
from our upcoming album.'
We're gonna play a few songs
from our upcoming album.
We're gonna play 'Look, mommy,
I'm a rock star .'
Oh, boy, alright.
This is-this is one
of our favorites.
[guitar music]
Oh, my!
♪ When I was a boy ♪
♪ I was real young ♪
♪ I was lookin' bad
and I said son of a g*n ♪
♪ I said look mommy
I'm a rock star ♪
♪ I said look mommy
I'm a rock star ♪♪
Let me ask you something how
badly does he suck out there?
It's probably it's worse
than I imagined.
It's worse than
I imagination dragoned.
♪ I said look mommy
I'm a rock star ♪♪
(Sal)
'Let's go!'
[audience booing]
Alright, the next song from
our album is a cappella.
The next song from our
album is a cappella.
And the name of it is
shut your face, grandma.
The name of it is
shut your face, grandma.
♪ Bum bum bom ♪
♪ She's my grandma
she's my grandma ♪
♪ And she doesn't shut her trap
she doesn't shut her trap ♪
♪ I take it for five minutes
but after six I say ♪
♪ Shut your face grandma ♪
♪ Shut your [bleep] face ♪
♪ Shut your face grandma ♪
♪ Shut your [bleep] face
shut your face grandma! ♪♪
They're so upset.
Yell out drum solo
at the top of your lungs.
Drum solo!
- 'Say it again.'
- Drum solo!
Start trying to do the worm!
Try to do the worm.
Oh [bleep] me, man, no way.
I got your back, buddy!
I'm giving you a beat!
- Try to stage dive!
- Oh, no!
- 'Look at Sal.'
- 'Oh, my gosh!'
stage dive! Stage dive
into the crowd!
- 'Go, go, go!'
- Oh, [bleep]
Thank you, and good night!
[cymbals crash]
(Murr)
'That was a train wreck.'
Coming up, why is Joe
going nowhere fast?
Come here, you son of a bitch.
(male narrator)
What's making Sal so scary?
- Holy [bleep]
- I'm sorry.
♪ Ready to rock you
ready to rock you ♪♪
(male narrator)
What happens when tonight's big
losers open for the rock band
Imagine Dragons in front
of a crowd of , ?
[instrumental music]
Today we're at the mall,
about to take an unusual
escalator ride with
fellow shoppers.
As we approach the escalator,
we'll be given tasks
that we must accomplish
before we reach the top.
If you cannot complete
one of your tasks
before the end
of your ride, you lose.
Things are gonna
escalate real quick!
- Ohh!
- No, he didn't!
Hey, Sal, this
is a super easy one.
(Joe)
'You just got to get someone'
to tell them the last
time they made.
- The last time they made?
- Last time they made.
- Made what?
- Whatever they made.
(Joe)
'Oh, comin' up, white shirt,
white shirt, comin' up.'
Oh, this is gonna be tough.
- 'Oh, she's doing the walk.'
- 'Catch her, catch her.'
When's the last
time you-I'm sorry!
What the hell?
She just screamed, aah!
- You terrified her.
- She scared me.
Your goal is to hug someone
for the entire ride up,
here he goes.
You know, I just want
to say, you're awesome, man.
I know, it's already
too late.
Yeah, from the top
to the bottom, come on.
I was supposed to go for
the whole length of the thing
so you want to hug me
on the way down?
Too much now.
If he does, we'll give
it to you.
- I can't believe this.
- This is crazy.
You're a great guy,
man, you know.
We need more hugs, less thugs,
you know what I'm saying?
- More hugs, less thugs?
- You going back up?
Alright, let's do it, come on.
Come here, what are you
doing? Come on, get in here.
Come on!
What do you got?
I'm ready to do anything.
On the way up,
call someone's mom.
- Call someone's mom?
- Call someone's mom.
That's it? That's easy.
- Here we go, here we go.
- Okay, bye.
Oh, are you going up?
Oh, yeah.
Do you mind if I-you know what?
You are a gentleman, thank you
for letting me go first.
I want to call your mom and tell
her she raised you right.
Oh, that's your mom right there.
What's your phone number,
real quick.
I'm gonna call you and tell
you you raised a good son.
What's that number? Oh!
What are the odds that
that's your mom right there?
Son of a..
- Murr, here's a clue.
- Yeah.
Don't get on the escalator
with a family.
I'm gonna keep going until
I call someone's mom.
Okay, and if you don't, we're
gonna give you a thumbs-down.
Take out your damn phone, and
let's call your mom together.
I'm a man at the end of my rope.
and if you don't call your
mom to say you love her
you're not getting
on this escalator.
Your moms need to know
that you love them.
Call your mom, nobody else
is getting pa..
Okay, you guys-just three
of you, but no one--
Call your mom and tell
her you love her.
Really? Oh.
- Can you call your mom?
- I can't, my hands are full.
You just got to give up at this
point, we got to move on.
(Q)
'This is your last chance,
buddy.'
You rather have someone
sniff your armpit?
- How about that, tough guy?
- Oh, wow.
There he goes.
Can I ask you guys a question?
I was about to buy two
different colognes there
and they sprayed it, and I don't
know which one I like better.
'Can you tell me which
one you like better?'
Okay, so, here's the first one..
...and here's the second one.
What do you think?
(Sal)
'He doesn't get her
to smell an armpit.'
He gets her to smell
both armpits.
(Q)
'Wow!'
Alright, guys,
what do I got to do?
- Get someone's belt off.
- Holy crap.
Just step on the escalator,
there you go.
Oh, guys! Guys! My pants
are falling down!
Any one of you guys got a belt
I could borrow real quick?
Guys, you got a belt
I could borrow?
You got a belt I could borrow?!
Who's got a belt?! Who's got
a belt?! Come on! Come on!
Come on with the belt!
Come on! Come on! Hurry!
Hurry! Come here!
Come here! Aah!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
- 'Josephine.'
- Sí.
You're gonna have to do
a mutual face caress.
You have to caress
someone's face
while they're caressing yours.
Do it to me, like..
- Oh, okay. So, like a pet?
- Yeah.
(Q)
'Oh, he's going.'
Just doing a..
I just-I just saw
a girl earlier
and she, like, really pulled
at my heart strings
and made me think of, like, that
face caress moment, you know?
You know what I'm talking
about, like, you know
you look into their eyes,
give me a little face caress.
Go ahead, do it, do it, no?
Come on, do it.
Oh [bleep] this noise.
what are you doing?!
Somebody's got to come up
sooner or later.
What you've just done is put
yourself on a stairmaster
my friend, and I'm not
betting on you
lasting that long
so go right ahead.
Does no one take the escalator?
Sorry, I dropped my thing,
how's the popcorn?
- Very good.
- Good, yeah, face caress or no?
Not into it? Thanks, man,
hey, bud, sorry, excuse me.
Ladies, real quick-a face
caress?
I need somebody to jump
on board with me, like, uh..
Go ahead, do it,
you want to do it?
No? No? Okay, well, that's,
you got your prerogative.
what's your deal?
Face caress or no?
[bleep] damn it.
- Get this guy's backpack.
- Give me your [bleep] backpack.
- Try caress again.
- Guys, I'm gonna die.
- 'This is the end.'
- This is the end of Joe Gatto.
What's up, man?
You've caressed faces much?
No? You put your hand on my
face, I put my hand on yours.
Come here, you son of a bitch.
Well, there's a time when
a man's got to admit
that it's over.
[instrumental music]
(male narrator)
Joe couldn't step it up
so he's taking a ride
on the loser board.
Today, we're whispering sweet
nothings into shoppers' ears.
And by sweet nothings, we mean
whatever the other guys tell us.
The goal is to get the person
to whisper back to you.
If they don't whisper
back, you lose.
(Joe)
'Sal's so insecure, watch this.'
- Sal, fix your shirt, man.
- Okay, what part?
The bottom there.
'Yep, the front,
the front, yep.'
The button, the button on
the bottom is [bleep] up.
(Joe)
'Yeah, yeah, is that
bottom button done?'
- No.
- 'Oh, okay.'
- That's why he's blousing.
- Yeah, it's blousing.
- Bl-wha..
- Your shirt looks fine.
- Oh, alright.
- It's the hair that's not..
What's wrong with the hair?
(Joe)
'The girl in front of you.'
Whole grain bread?
You dirty dog.
Whole grain bread?
You dirty dog.
Right? The whole grain bread?
Well, it has walnuts and..
She's on the verge
of whispering.
It's absolutely
delicious, right?
Usually, I'm here with my wife.
I don't like her to know I'm
getting the whole grain bread,
so I have to say to them, "I'll
take the whole grain bread."
You have to sneak it
from anybody?
- No.
- Alright, take care.
You were on the verge
of whisper.
Here, here, this guy
right in front of you.
Let's get real about Linda.
- Let's get real about--
- Oh, my God!
(Murr)
'Here, here, this guy right
in front of you.'
Let's get real about Linda.
- Let's get real about--
- Oh, my God!
Sorry I startled you.
Adios, amigo.
(Joe)
'The guy in front of you.'
Yo, you heard Johnboy bit it?
- Yo, you heard Johnboy bit it?
- Holy [bleep]
- I'm sorry.
- You scared the shit out of me.
(Q)
'Whoa! Sal is scaring
everybody out there.'
That's how Johnboy bit it
he got a heart attack
when somebody whispered
behind him.
I did the exact opposite
of the goal.
(Sal)
'This guy in red, buddy.'
Gary never gave me back
my hedge clippers.
Gary never gave me back
my hedge clippers.
- Yeah?
- Gary never returned them.
- Do we know each other?
- You know Gary?
No, I think you got me
confused with somebody else
though we can keep playing
around if it makes you happy.
Gary never gave them back to me.
Okay, give him a call,
text him.
Everybody's saying
to give him a call.
Thank you, buddy.
- Full volume, full volume.
- Not even a hint of whisper.
Joe, I'm gonna try something
a little different.
Whoever you go up to,
did you fart? Here we go.
Why fart? Why?
(Sal)
'Peach shirt, peach shirt.'
It's her husband right
next to her.
- Did you fart?
- Excuse me?
Did you fart?
- Did I fart? Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- No, you didn't?
- No.
Okay, 'cause I thought
I heard and smelled one.
- Okay.
- Okay, just curious.
I think I know how not to get
the police called on me today.
Oh, really? You got an idea?
I wore my nice black shoes
and a salmon shirt.
Why are you calling
it salmon, too?
It's pink.
Is this not the color
of a salmon?
It is, actually, yeah.
I stand corrected.
- Guy with the crutches.
- He can't get away.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
Buy the ticket, take the ride.
He's got to whisper.
All you got to do is buy
that ticket, my friend.
It's such a fun ride,
you're gonna love
this ride so much, man.
Why do I feel Murray's had
this exact conversation
many times before in his life?
You sure? You sure?
- Full volume, full volume.
- Not even a wisp of a whisper.
(Joe)
'This guy here in the stripes.'
Wanna finger paint?
Do you want to finger paint?
Excuse me? Can you back up, son?
You're a little bit too close.
(Q)
'She's pulling her son away!'
The mother bird
instinct kicked in!
Well, you got her to whisper,
she's whispering,
"Call the cops."
- Okay.
- What was that? What a weirdo!
(Joe)
'Q, just turn straight, okay.'
Now, if you turned around
and that was whispering
in your ear..
...I would definitely mace it.
(Murr)
'Big tall guy behind him?
Yeah, go get him, buddy.'
- Pull my waffle.
- Get right in his ear, man.
- Do it!
- Pull my waffle.
- Huh?
- Pull my waffle.
Yeah?
Oh, uh, we're just, uh,
in the middle of something.
Just gonna, pull-pull..
(Murr)
'This is what your life
has come to.'
You are a crushed man standing
alone in a supermarket.
- 'The girl in front of you.'
- Chauncey says, "What's up".
Chauncey says, "What's up."
He's an around-the-way guy,
he said to say what's up.
Tell him I said,
"hey, what's up? "
It's just that Chauncey's
very soft-spoken.
You know what I'm saying?
I will tell Chauncey
you said, "What's up."
- No way!
- Unbelievable!
(Murr)
'Stop doing the damn strut!'
(male narrator)
Sal, Joe, and Murr
can whisper sweet nothings
to each other
on the loser board.
Coming up, can tonight's
big losers
face the crowd as opening
act for Imagine Dragons?
Today, we're at the Essex
County turtle back zoo
conducting customer
satisfaction surveys.
But all of our questions have
been written by the other guys.
If you can't ask all the
questions on the clipboard.
- You lose.
- I'm gonna keep this cat.
That's a penguin.
(male narrator)
It's a joker versus joker
challenge.
- Did you enjoy the zoo today?
- Yes.
Would you mind if I asked
you a quick question?
"What was your favorite
exhibit that you
"visited today at the zoo?"
- Um, the birds. Yes.
- The birds? Okay.
"And is it a shame
all these animals
"will eventually become
crackers?" I mean..
They live their whole
lives out here.
They're gorgeous animals,
some from all different lands.
Eventually, they're gonna
become crackers.
Is that a shame? Do you agree?
Put in a box and shipped off
and some kid smacks them
around on a high chair,
gets them stuck to his lip.
- It's a shame yes, yes I agree.
- Yes.
- 'I hope you have a great day.'
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's exactly how animal
crackers are made you idiot.
Let me ask you a question,
okay.
Darlene in the ticket booth,
did she give you the 'tude
that she's famous for?
Did she do a lot of
the huffin' and the puffin'?
No, I didn't talk to her.
Can I ask you a quick question
on behalf of the zoo?
"Uh, you caught that
elephant dong?"
Did-I did what?
Did I caught it?
- You caught that elephant dong?
- I passed on that.
Oh, very good.
Okay, and last question..
I would never ask you
in a million years.
So, we are done here,
sir, alright.
Just that easy, huh?
Yes, I know this is a zoo,
but I'm not an animal.
Joe, what animals do you
think you're a combination of?
Like an orangutan had
sex with a toucan.
You mind taking a quick survey?
Give you a couple questions?
Did you visit the food pavilion?
Did you get some snackies?
- No, I didn't.
- Okay.
- Um..
- 'Here we go.'
"Did Yolanda in
the pheasant department
"hound you about her
pyramid scheme?"
- No.
- She didn't?
You didn't get approached
about that?
- Have a great day, thank you.
- Yolanda.
Uh, um, how m-oh.
Um..
"Um, out of all the animals
in the immediate area
"who would you most
like to dry-hump?"
Oh, my God!
- Seriously?
- Yeah, it's right there.
That's what they write
for me on these
and I just have
to make sure, you know.
- None!
- None-ski.
(male narrator)
Opposable thumbs down for Sal,
so he's tied with
Joe as tonight's big loser.
[instrumental music]
Joe and Sal lost!
So, for their punishment,
they're the opening act
for the Imagine Dragons concert!
Right here, you're opening
for them!
(Q)
'At Jones beach in front
of , people!'
They don't know their band name.
They don't know the names
of the songs they have to sing
until we give it to them.
We don't even know
how to play instruments!
(Q)
'Oh, that's right and we
dressed you like this'
'so you're gonna have
a great show!'
Is that a leotard?
What is that?
- Alright, get out there!
- Hit the stage!
I can't even watch this,
I feel sick.
(Q)
'Ladies and gentlemen,
get on your feet.'
'Brace yourselves
for the greatest live band'
'you've never seen.'
(Murr)
'Are you ready for..'
...Señor Alanza!
- 'Señor Alanza, get out there.'
- Señor Alanza.
That's our Spanish
teacher in high school.
- Get out there, Señor Alanza!
- 'Señor Alanza!'
- I'm so nervous for them.
- Where do I go?
(Sal)
'Where do I go?'
- Look at Joe!
- There's so many drums.
Oh, [bleep] me, man, no way.
(Murr)
'Are you ready for..'
...Señor Alanza!
- Get out there, Señor Alanza!
- 'Señor Alanza!'
- I'm so nervous for them.
- 'Look at Joe!'
There's so many drums.
Hey, everybody, how you doing?
Alright, very cool, we are
very happy to be here.
Opening for Imagination Dragon.
Opening for the Imagination
Dragons.
[audience booing]
The Imagination Dragons? I got
it wrong, Imagine Dragons.
Uh, alright.
I put in your pants pocket
a dedication for the set.
- Open it up and read it.
- Before we start, guys.
I just wrote a very, very
special dedication.
'And I hope you guys
appreciate it.'
The dedication goes like this,
"Guys, we'd like to dedicate
"this set to the people, oh."
"To the people of Pittsburgh."
We're in Long island!
"They were the best audience
we ever played for.
"We can already tell you guys
aren't gonna be nearly as good."
(Murr)
'You're no-you're no
Pittsburgh.'
- You're no Pittsburgh.
- That's right.
(Murr)
'We're gonna play a few songs
from our upcoming album.'
We're gonna play a few songs
from our upcoming album.
We're gonna play 'Look, mommy,
I'm a rock star .'
Oh, boy, alright.
This is-this is one
of our favorites.
[guitar music]
Oh, my!
♪ When I was a boy ♪
♪ I was real young ♪
♪ I was lookin' bad
and I said son of a g*n ♪
♪ I said look mommy
I'm a rock star ♪
♪ I said look mommy
I'm a rock star ♪♪
Let me ask you something how
badly does he suck out there?
It's probably it's worse
than I imagined.
It's worse than
I imagination dragoned.
♪ I said look mommy
I'm a rock star ♪♪
(Sal)
'Let's go!'
[audience booing]
Alright, the next song from
our album is a cappella.
The next song from our
album is a cappella.
And the name of it is
shut your face, grandma.
The name of it is
shut your face, grandma.
♪ Bum bum bom ♪
♪ She's my grandma
she's my grandma ♪
♪ And she doesn't shut her trap
she doesn't shut her trap ♪
♪ I take it for five minutes
but after six I say ♪
♪ Shut your face grandma ♪
♪ Shut your [bleep] face ♪
♪ Shut your face grandma ♪
♪ Shut your [bleep] face
shut your face grandma! ♪♪
They're so upset.
Yell out drum solo
at the top of your lungs.
Drum solo!
- 'Say it again.'
- Drum solo!
Start trying to do the worm!
Try to do the worm.
Oh [bleep] me, man, no way.
I got your back, buddy!
I'm giving you a beat!
- Try to stage dive!
- Oh, no!
- 'Look at Sal.'
- 'Oh, my gosh!'
stage dive! Stage dive
into the crowd!
- 'Go, go, go!'
- Oh, [bleep]
Thank you, and good night!
[cymbals crash]
(Murr)
'That was a train wreck.'