06x12 - The Sin in the Sisterhood

[bunniefuu]

(baby crying)

Ohh!

She's 6.5 centimeters. It should be a matter of minutes.

Oh, I should go. I don't think we're gonna make dinner.

She's almost done.

It's... really late.

Right.

And I've been waiting for five hours.

We can go to breakfast.

(phone beeping)

There's a place around the corner, makes the best French toast.

I really have to go.

You'll miss the miracle of birth.

Death's calling on the other line.

Mmm. Uh...

Uh, coffee later today? 3:00?

Think you can get away?

I will. I'll clear the afternoon.

Okay.

WOMAN (screaming): Get this baby out of me...!

(woman's scream fades)

Neechy, uh, neechy... what?

Nixtamalization.

The traditional Aztec method used to prepare kernels for consumption.

Maize was a very important aspect of Mesoamerican life.

Where are we?

I have no idea.

I should have brought the GPS. Or a periscope.

Here. You can be the periscope.

No, thanks.

You want to be the guy holding the periscope?

(grunts)
What do you see? Everything.

(grunts)
This height is extremely advantageous.

See the crime scene?

(people speaking indistinctly nearby)

Yes. The crime scene is over there.

SAROYAN: Here they come.

BOOTH: I hear Cam!

BRENNAN: Cam? Cam?! Yep.

BRENNAN:
There you are.

I... I thought we were lost.

This crime scene is very remote.

And the corn is creepy.

It is, right?

For a vegetable. Or is it a grain?

Maize is actually a grass.

Why are you so dressed up?

Paul and I were headed to dinner when one of his patients went into labor and one of mine turned up in a cornfield.

Ooh, bummer. Yeah.

Nobody's touched it. I was waiting for you.

State of decomposition and the height of the plants beneath the body suggest some passage of time.

Well, what do they say about corn, "Knee high by the Fourth of July"?

BOOTH: How would you know?

I did Oklahoma! in high school.

With the dry weather we've been having, I'd say he's been dead maybe four weeks?

Victim is male, early 40s.

And judging by his clothes, he was here to work.

Any ideas about cause of death?

SAROYAN: Oh... there we go.

This is a homicide.

Evidence of a b*llet wound to the sternum, gladiolus and the true ribs.

Right. See a b*llet in there?

No. I-I don't see the exit wound clearly.

SAROYAN: Looks like the muzzle of the g*n was held in intermediate proximity, close to the chest.

There's got to be a b*llet around here somewhere.

(distant thunder rumbling)
Uh, that was thunder.

Yeah. There's lots to do.

Let's pull some soil samples and get out of these guys' way.

Are you prepared to remove the body?

Yeah. I got the bag right here.

Forget about the bag-- you need a tarp. Now.

This is about to turn into Woodstock.

Oh, uh, which way is the car?

I have no idea.

We didn't anticipate rain.

(thunder crashing)
Yeah, you never know. Whoa!

SAROYAN: Let's cover him up before he's soup.

♪ Bones 6x12 ♪
The Sin In The Sisterhood
Original Air Date on February 3, 2011

♪ Main Title Theme ♪ The Crystal Method

and TOYOTA.

HODGINS: You got off easy, kid.

Mother Nature cleaned these bones.

She did a crappy job.

Shh!

(whispers): She can hear you.

We bagged the body before the hard stuff came down, but five minutes later, it was a mud bath.

Man, why do I always miss the fun?

Well, something has been snacking on this guy-- a rodent with large incisors.

SAROYAN: Muskrats.

The farmer who owns the land said he's been having a problem.

Well, did he, by any chance, sh**t at them?

I don't think so.

He has severe rheumatoid arthritis.

Oh.

Look at this, Dr. Saroyan.

I see a tangential entry wound, but no radiating fractures.

SAROYAN: It's consistent with the close-range sh*t. What's the diameter?

BRAY:
15.89.

Which could be anything between a 9mm and a 38.

Has Agent Booth found the b*llet?

Last I heard, FBI has a team out looking.

Mmm. I'll... check on the progress.

"Not yet" is not an answer, all right?

So just keep looking.

Right.

What are you doing here? Any luck with the b*llet?

Aw, you know. They're changing the expression from, uh, "needle in a haystack" to "b*llet in a cornfield."

Well, let me know as soon as you can.

Ballistics gets backed up this time of year.

Right.

You know what it means if we don't find it.

The guy wasn't k*lled in the cornfield.

That's it. Yeah, so, why are you here, again?

To be honest, Seeley, I...

(clears throat)

I want your opinion about something personal.

Ooh.

This is about your boyfriend.

Uh, Paul's not my boyfriend.

We just see each other once in a while.

And every time we do, somebody's water breaks and he's got to go.

That's not his fault.

He shares this practice with six doctors.

He chooses to be this busy.

You like this guy? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, look, then it's all about communication.

You just got to give this guy a chance.

But I feel like I have.

How many chances does he deserve?

Nine.

That's cats.

Applies to men and cats.

All right, so listen.

All I'm saying is you deserve someone great, and if you feel as though this guy is the one, then don't let him get away.

BRENNAN: This doesn't make any sense.

A clayshoveler's fracture at the C-7 indicates a life of hard labor, but anterior wedging of the mid-vertebra suggests that a great deal of time was spent in a seated position.

He baled hay and drove a tractor.

But look at the muscle attachments.

Hmm. They're a result of repetitive motion?

Yes. And there appear to be stress fractures forming at the radiocarpal joints.

It's as if this man spent a great deal of time supporting his weight on his hands while engaging in a repetitive motion.

(table thumps rhythmically)

I get it.

This motion would be reminiscent of a primate having intercourse.

We are looking for a horny farmer. Yes, we are.

(phone ringing)
It's Booth.

Brennan.

BOOTH: Ed Samuel,41.

He rents farm equipment in the area where the body was found.

He went missing about a month ago.

He was wearing a plaid shirt, blue jeans...

That sounds consistent.

We'll need to confirm with dental records.

Ask if he was horny.

Oh, wa... was he promiscuous?

I don't know.

His wife Maryanne's at home right now.

Okay? I'm going to come pick you up. Okay.

BOOTH: What difference does it make if he was promiscuous?

BRENNAN:
The evidence seems to indicate that the victim spent a lot of time copulating.

These are my children and my, um, father, Dan; and my sisters, Beth and Carol.

How do you do?

FBI Special Agent Booth.

This here is my partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you.

And thank you for coming.

Hey, kids, let's go to the park, huh?

Let's go.

Can we? Oh, sure.

Do you mind if my sisters stay?

Of course not.

So... tell about your husband Ed.

Uh, well, he was raised right here in town.

He always farmed his parents' land.

And when I was pregnant with our first son, he started the equipment-rental business, to help make ends meet.

How many children do you have?

Eleven.

We always wanted a big family.

Ed must have enjoyed having sex with a pregnant partner.

I can tell how much time he spent copulating.

So the night that Ed disappeared...?

It was... just any other night.

We were here, making dinner with the kids, and, um... he just never came home.

Eventually, we called the police.

Any reason to believe why somebody would wa to hurt your husband?

No.

Everybody loved Ed.

So did you or your husband own a g*n?

Yes, we do. Uh...

Ed liked to keep one for protection.

It's in the bedroom.

I can show you to the bedroom.

This way.

Hey...

Check out this Solanum tuberosum.

Why are you walking like that?

Like what?

Slow. You usually walk fast.

Just thinking.

Ah, that's her pensive walk.

Care to share what you're pensing about?

Oh... nothing.

Life.

You have a life?

(both snickering)

No... Dr. Hodgins, I don't.

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

What's this about potato particulates in our cornfield?

Uh, not in the cornfield.

I found them in the chest wound.

Lots of them.

Uh, and look what I found on his shirt.

They're called, uh, "anthers."

It's the pollen-bearing part of certain flower stamens.

Cornflower or potato flower?

Neither. We're talking about a whole other plant entirely.

This victim, he was like a full-blown salad of plant particulates.

Then you should be a happy man.

There is no one happier.

See, Dr. Saroyan, it's okay.

No one has a life around here.

Are any of the children the result of multiple birth?

No.

(whispering): They're congenitally deformed.

Why would you say such a thing?

Cranial proportion indicates that all of these subjects are less than 18 months old, divided by average human gestation...

They have small heads.

Bones. They look very cooperative in that picture.

I mean, someone takes a picture of my kid, he hits them.

The children are a blessing.

Here's his g*n.

He doesn't use it. It's just for protection.

(g*n clicks open)
Does he have any b*ll*ts?

I don't see any, but I will go to the closet in the other room and check.

Great.

(whispers): The small heads!

They're statistically impossible.

(cell phone rings)
You don't just say things...

Who's that?

Oh, it's Cam. Hey, what's up?

If it helps, Hodgins found potato particulates in the wound.

Oh, they used a potato as a sil*ncer.

Is there a pillow shortage in Virginia?

I don't know; it's a country thing-- sh**t through a potato. I got to go.

(footsteps approaching)

This is all we've got.

All right, thanks. Uh, do you know anyone who farms potatoes, by any chance?

I suppose some people do.

Um, our family photos are private.

Not during a m*rder case.

I understand your secrecy.

You must face great stigma in the United States.

Bones, we should go.

I understand the practicality.

I studied a similar tribe in Papua New Guinea. I take it back.

Those children, are not deformed, Booth.

They...
(clears throat)
Bones.

Let's just-- I'm sorry-- let's go.

They have three different mothers.

Look... Ed and Maryann: Ed and Beth.

Ed was married to both of you?

And Carol.

These women aren't just sisters... they're sister-wives.

American polygamy is primarily limited to one tradition.

Uh, these people are fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints.

Mormons.

No, they're not at all sanctioned by the mainstream Church.

Mormons abandoned the practice of plural marriage a long time ago.

How do you know about this, Sweets?

College paper.

No. Television.

The mainstream media depicts plural marriage as if it were the, uh, proverbial bug in a jar.

That's just pretty strange if you ask me.

Was Ed Samuel legally married to all three sisters?

One. The other two were married in a religious ceremony.

That's how he stayed out of jail.

Then it's merely a personal choice.

Polygamy is a viable response to many socioeconomic conditions.

Really? How so?

Well, I can see why a man might fantasize...

Sweets. Didn't ask you.

Bones, go ahead. How so?

For instance, in ancient China, the male-to-female ratio is skewed.

We're talking about Virginia here.

Okay? Ratio is just fine.

Swingers. These guys were swingers.

Swingers are, by definition, couples, who with permission of...

Just stop, all right? I'm saying is that, you know, multiple marriages-- great motive for m*rder.

You're applying your own bias.

No. Actually, I agree with Agent Booth on this one.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Polygamy may make sense anthropologically, but jealousy is a very powerful emotion.

Free love taught us one thing: open relationships don't necessarily work.

I mean, did these women claim to be happy?

They said they were. Did they have alibis?

They were at home, shouldering their economic burden communally.

Right. Clipping coupons.

You know what I should do? I should call the sisters' dad, Dan Lambertt.

How could he be cool with this?

That's a good place to start.

(woman whimpering)

I'm right behind you. Thanks.

Cam.

What's up? We still on for that coffee?

I can't. I'm sorry.

I hate to jerk you around like this.

No, I get it.

I told this woman to stay off the trampoline.

You do what you got to do.

We've all got responsibilities.

All right, listen. Uh, when I say tomorrow, I mean tomorrow.

I promise.

Talk to you then. Safe delivery.

That g*n looks nice.

(woman grunting)

Dr. Lidner, she's crowning.

Yeah.

Honestly...

I thought my girls were out of their minds.

However, you spoke with Ed on a regular basis for years.

Ed and Maryann met at church, when they were teenagers.

His family, our family-- all of us attended the same place.

Right, at, uh, let's see, that Mormon church up at Balding?

Yeah. I thought he was good for her.

I couldn't have been happier when they got married.

Then a few years later, he comes to me... wants to take Beth as his second wife in some ceremony, with Maryann standing right there.

Says it was Maryann's idea.

What did you say? I was shocked.

I mean, I... the girls had always been close, but like this?

They said it was what they wanted.

So you just went along with it.

It's not my business to make life harder on my kids.

Where were you the night that Ed disappeared?

At work.

I'm retired, but I still take some shifts at the hardware store.

You know, your daughters; they haven't really been forthcoming about their situation.

I'm sure they weren't.

They don't have it easy around here, Agent Booth.

My girls don't deserve this.

Neither did Ed.

No one should have had a problem.

Who had a problem?

A lot of people.

You talk to Pete Mill?

Who's Pete Mill?
(goats bleat)

He owns that pecan orchard up the road.

A month ago, someone scratched "plig" on the hood of Beth's car and bashed out the windshield.

Mm-hmm. "Plig."

That's, uh, derogatory for "polygamist." Right.

You think he's the one who did this?

I know he did.

So, Mr. Lambertt, you... you own any g*ns?

Yeah. A few for hunting.

You can take 'em. Take 'em all.

Oh, that poor man.

Three...

And they're sisters.

I heard you the first time.

But they don't engage in sexual intercourse in a group setting.

Rather, they keep a strict calendar.

Why would one man even want three wives?

Well, with three wives, he can produce 11 children in eight years.

I guess, more people to do dishes.

MONTENEGRO: What is she doing?

What are you doing?

sh**ting a g*n into this big t*nk.

It's homicide season.

The FBI ballistics lab gets all backed up.

But you can't run ballistics.

We haven't recovered the b*llet yet.

Well, when they do, I'll be ready.

Is it safe to sh**t in the lab?

Probably not.

Uh, can you stand behind the line?

Can I do it?

No. You go look at some bones.

Take some ear protection with you.

This g*n is mine.

Fire in the hole!

(g*nsh*t)

(shouting): Have you made any progress with the manble?

I can hear you.

What's wrong with Dr. Saroyan?

Uh, it's likely she's experiencing sexual frustration...

(softly): But Cam is a very... private person.

The mandible...

I don't know what caused the condition, but I've ruled out cancer and pesticides.

I also...
(g*nsh*t)

I also found a perimortem bruise on the pelvis, specifically the frontal curve of the right iliac crest.

And look at this.

There are particulates embedded in the exit wound.

Look at the posterior aspect of the seventh rib.

A result of blowback.

The b*llet struck a hard surface upon exit, causing the particulates to... propel backward.

That's correct.

(g*nsh*t)

Who let Cam sh**t a g*n?

The Second Amendment.

BRAY: What's that? That is the answer to our anthers.

Behold the catkin.

It's a cylindrical bud cluster found on several flowering plants; in this case, the Carya illinoinensis, otherwise known as the pecan tree.

Wait. This... flower is from a pecan tree?

Certainly is.

(g*nsh*t)

(gasps)

(multiple g*nshots)

Hey, Pete Mill, right? You own Mill's Pecans; an orchard near the field where the body was found?

I don't know anything about that.

You don't know if you farm pecans?

I farm pecans.

I don't know nothing about no dead body.

It's a small community.

Can't deny that you knew the victim.

He wasn't a friend or nothing.

I just knew him.

But you didn't like him.

You know what his deal was, right?

He was a polygamist.

Pervert, I call it!

He was living in sin, defying the laws of nature.

And it was your job to let him know, right?

Tell me about the car. What car?

You scratched a word on the hood of Beth Samuel's car-- "P-L-I-G."

That's it. I need a lawyer.

Work with me here, Pete.

Nobody cares that you keyed a car, but you don't want to go down for m*rder if you didn't do it.

Son, I believe in family values.

Marrying three girls from the same family ain't right.

Amen. Did you k*ll him?

The sanctity of the institution of marriage is everyone's business.

Marriage should be between one man and one woman; not two boys, not a cow and a frog, or a...

Actually, you may need that lawyer.

Do you own any g*ns, Mr. Mill?

Yeah. An old .22.

And a new .22.

Granddad's revolver, new shotgun, old shotguns, r*fles, pistols, you name it.

BOOTH (over phone): I sent over the g*ns from all of our suspects.

I see. Over there, guys.

Find the b*llet yet?

Nope. It's officially not there.

So... we know the body was moved and we have no idea where he was k*lled.

That's right. Okay.

I'll get to work.

I've got nothing else to do tonight.

Oh, what? You don't have a date with the doc?

Eh, he cancelled this afternoon.

I'm starting to feel like a sap.

Aw, come on. You know you've been called a lot of things, but sappy is definitely not one of them.

Hey, Seeley, I was thinking...

I have a theory about this case.

All right, go ahead. sh**t.

Why do people k*ll other people?

Money, jealousy, love...

Bingo.

BOOTH: Okay, look. There's no way that all three women were okay being in King Ed's harem.

BRENNAN: Uh... how do you know?

BOOTH: I just know.

I don't have to tell you about plural marriage and the Bible.

Okay, that is the Old Testament.

Both Testaments reference it without fanfare.

Wow. It was a given.

You know what? That was a long time ago.

And no need to take it so literally.

You believe that Jesus walked on water.

We really don't need to have this argument right now. Who are you to choose what should be taken literally in a sacred text?!

You can't have it both ways.

Exactly my point-- you pick a wife and you go with it.

History suggests that monogamy would only guarantee extinction, not happiness. Right.

(cell phone rings)
Well, history is wrong; that's all I can say. Wrong-o, wrong-o.

Booth.

Right.

Thank you.

You're about to say something that supports your argument.

Hmm? Well, Maryanne Samuels, better known as contestant number one, filed for divorce from her husband six weeks ago.

How is that for happiness?

(slurps, contented exhale)

I know I should have told you.

Right. Well, you do know that it's illegal to withhold information during the course of a Federal investigation.

Makes you look really guilty.

I'm sorry.

I haven't even been honest with my sisters about the divorce.

Really?! (chuckles)
You don't say, 'cause, you know, I thought you shared everything.

Not yet. I... didn't want them to be hurt.

I...

Ed was still trying to talk me out of it.

Okay, you do realize this looks, more and more, like a motive for m*rder.

Well, it's not.

I know it's hard for you to understand why we live the way we do.

It is our religious belief.

You're right. You're absolutely right. I don't understand.

I just wanted to look after my sisters.

I didn't mind sharing Ed, as long as it was with them.

Right. You cited irreconcilable differences.

Can you be more specific?

What, that you wanted to sleep with, uh, Ed on Wednesdays and Fridays instead of, uh, Tuesdays and Thursdays?

No!

Ed was having an affair.

Hey...

Hey...

What are those?

They're particulates from the blowback that were lodged in the victim after he was sh*t.

That wasn't clear at all, was it?

Uh, I stopped listening.

Okay. After he was sh*t, right, the b*llet went through him, and then it hit the wall, or something, and then the debris blew back and lodged into his spine.

That any clearer?

I don't know, honey. I stopped listening.

The baby was moving.

Man, I am so jealous that I don't get to feel him yet.

Oh, don't be upset.

It's only the most amazing thing in the world.

(gasps)
You're so cruel.

You know, with this baby coming, we could, uh... we could really use another wife.

Really?

You want me to marry another woman?

No, not you. Me.

I could use the help.

I'm gonna be like a 24-hour restaurant.

I will be your sl*ve. You know that.

Would you want another wife?

Truth?

Oh, I'm not sure.

If I could marry you twice, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I wish we could have sex at work.

Mm-hmm. Really?

Yeah. It's this lab coat, isn't it?

(computer beeping)
Oh.

Well, they're organic.

Huh?

The particulates-- it's some kind of plant.

Well, he was found in a cornfield.

Yes, but this is not corn.

This baby's going to be so proud of me.

(laughing)

(cell phone ringing)

Your phone is ringing.

Yeah. It's Paul.

Oh, hot doctor Paul?

That's the one.

(ringing stops)
Uh-oh. What did he do?

Nothing.

We're just two ships passing in the night.

I don't think it's going to work out.

Hmm. He must have done something.

No, he didn't.

Okay. He hasn't kept a date in three weeks.

What is his excuse?

Women in labor.

No. It's a good excuse-- don't get me wrong-- but I'm...

I'm just starting to wonder how much he cares for me.

I mean, best case scenario, he's a workaholic.

Well, then it's a match made in heaven.

If we ever saw each other.

Oh. I get it.

You're blowing him off so he'll come crawling back.

Uh, no, that's not it at all.

Yes, it is. I'm all for it.

I'm way too old to play that game.

This isn't a game.

You're Cam. You don't wait around.

Go ahead and make your plans, and if they don't include him, then he'll catch up.

Booth says I need to communicate.

There's more than one way to communicate.

Do you have a better strategy?

(sighs)

(cell phone ringing)

So, due to the presence of blowback in and around the wound, we know that the b*llet came into contact with a hard object upon exit.

For instance, the wall?

Well, we don't know that.

But let's say the wall.

Is that a plausible scenario?

I think so.

Do we have any more information on the assailant?

Booth thinks it may be the victim's first wife.

Is the representation of the victim's height accurate?

It seems Maryann may be too short to hold the g*n comfortably.

No, the representation is accurate.

I cracked this nut wide open.

How?

The particulates we found in the blowback are actually pecan.

We already know the victim came into contact with the flower of that same plant.

Yes, but I'm not talking about an ordinary pecan.

This pecan had undergone a unique digestive process rendering it into, for lack of a better word, a rock.

Digested pecan?

What animal turns pecans into rocks?

Good question. When we find the answer, there's where Booth will find his magic b*llet, and thus, the scene of the crime.

MONTENEGRO: Let's see what happens when I put him on the floor.

BRENNAN: Why did you do that?

Well, what digested pecan would be on the wall?

Good point. It's far more likely for feces to be on the floor.

There you are.

I found out why our victim had a mush mouth.

Isotope results indicate high levels of radium.

That's a bone-seeking isotope.

Someone was likely trying to poison Ed Samuel.

Hmm.

BOOTH:
He was poisoned?

BRENNAN:
It makes sense.

His teeth and jaw clearly suffered exposure over time.

He was drinking it.

That's the number one way that wives off their husbands.

It is?

Seems like it is.

But ultimately, Ed Samuel was sh*t.

After she got tired of waiting around for him to keel over on the dining room table.

Which one do you think it was?

I don't think the wives would have access to radium salt.

Who would? The use of radium salt is limited to scientific experimentation.

Right. Would a college laboratory have it?

It's possible. Possible.

'Cause Ed Samuel was dating a grad student in his spare time.

How did you meet Ed Samuel?

I tutor his son Jasper in Chemistry.

Ed brought him to the lab on campus.

Were you aware Jasper had three mommies?

No.

I thought Maryann was his mother.

She picked him up once in a while.

So you slept with her husband?

Yeah.

I mean, I know it was wrong, but really, it was no biggie.

No biggie?

What do you want? I'm 22.

He bought me a really nice used convertible.

How did you find out about Beth and Carol?

When they showed up one night while I was finishing up an assignment for the next day.

All three of them.

But Maryann did all the talking.

What did she say?

She was calling me a whore and said, like, all this scary Bible stuff.

I ran out.

Now, do you have something called, uh, radium salt in your lab?

We used to.

We studied its use as a fertilizer.

It has to be kept in a special box lined with metal, marked "radioactive."

What happened to it?

I don't know.

I went to look for it the other day and it was gone.

I-I should have called the cops.

(low, indistinct radio transmissions)

Okay, so does anyone want to speak up?

That's not ours. At least it's not mine.

No, it's not mine, either.

Someone is trying to frame us.

I don't know anything about it.

Well, we will soon.

They're testing for fingerprints right now.

And since you all live here, you can all be held legally responsible.

It's mine.

Okay? It-It's mine.

Believe me, Agent Booth.

I did this alone.

Maryann and Beth knew nothing about it.

What were you thinking?

She has always been a troublemaker.

I thought inviting her into the family would help.

If you were having problems, there are other ways.

Like divorcing him secretly?

BETH: Really?

Now the truth comes out.

Who was getting a divorce?

I was.

I-I didn't want to ruin your lives.

I was going to tell you.

No, you weren't.

I saw the paperwork in your trash two weeks ago.

What were you doing in my bathroom?

I needed something. Ladies. Please.

No one is allowed in anyone else's bathroom.

(women bickering indistinctly)
I admit, it is fascinating to watch a tight-knit group fracture under pressure.

That and they're dangerous.

Right. Okay.

Ladies. Everybody, please.

Calm down.

Obviously, you've all been under an enormous amount of stress.

Tell us exactly what circumstances lead you to poison your husband.

We went to talk to that Heather Lakefish.

And I saw the radium salt right there.

But I didn't want to k*ll him.

I just wanted more time with him.

I thought you kept a strict schedule to avoid complications.

We do, but we have different responsibilities, and when Ed is sick, he stays with me.

I went to nursing school.

Oh, then you know that poisoning leads to death.

I... I didn't give him that much.

Just enough so I could see him once in a while.

We never got to be alone.

They're always hovering.

They're jealous.

You are so ungrateful.

Well, at least she tells the truth.

Okay, ladies. We're done, all right?

Carol, you're being booked attempted m*rder.

(Maryann gasps)

(g*nsh*t)

I, uh, see it's not a good time.

Paul, what are you doing here?

You weren't answering my calls.

Then again, maybe you didn't hear them.

I got your message.

Messages. I should have called.

Excuse me. Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Dr. Saroyan, Dr. Hodgins is beginning the feces project, if you'd like to join.

How can you say no?

It can wait.

And can you come with me? Yeah.

Um, I know why you're angry.

No, I'm not angry.

Okay, maybe a little.

I have too many patients and they take up too much of my time.

No, you're good with your patients.

And it's not just you.

We're both strapped to a schedule.

I just don't know where that leaves us.

Hey, you don't want to start catching babies, do you?

(laughing)

All right, then we'll come over here and sh**t g*ns.

Oh, I wish it were that easy.

We could make it easy.

Cam, the reason I came here at an incredibly inconvenient time for both of us is because I had to say this.

I care about my job, but I'm starting to realize I care more about you.

I love being with you, Cam.

I mean, you're brilliant and gorgeous, and I think about you all the time.

(chuckles)

I-I... don't know what to say.

I don't want anything to get in the way of this relationship.

Okay? Not even the career I've worked for my entire life.

You have responsibilities.

So do you.

But I have to prioritize, and so do you.

Angela said we're both workaholics.

Mother's intuition kicking in.

She's right.

That's why I lied to my patients.

Yeah. I told everyone I'm going to Thailand for my sister's wedding.

Paul. Oh...
(laughs)

Hmm. I made reservations for dinner tonight at the Founding Fathers.

And I bought you a scarf.

I'm sorry, I can't.

I have a m*rder to solve.

Then stand me up.

I'll feel better. We'll be even.

8:00, I'll be at the bar.

No, no. Really, I can't, Paul.

But I-I will call you next week.

I promise.

So that's a yes?

(laughs)

See you at 8:00.

What are you doing?

I'm watching a live feed.

Peter Mill distributes his surplus pecan crop as food for livestock through a local co-op.

For sheep, pigs and... and ostrich?

Good God, man, did you go to college?

Is that an emu? Yeah, that's better.

So you feed them pecans, and then you plan to retrieve their, uh...

Feces.

Right. To see which animal's excrement best matches the evidence found in the blowback.

Correct. Care to take a field trip this afternoon?

I got two shovels.

Oh, I-I can't.

I... I'm busy, you know.

Really? Busy, huh?

Yeah.

Just...

Mm-hmm. Too busy to go through feces?

This moron was poisoned and sh*t.

I'm surprised he wasn't stabbed and b*rned up, too.

I think "moron" is a little harsh for someone who was merely living a lifestyle you are uncomfortable with.

(beeping)
Okay, how about nitwit or doofus?

What was that?

What's going on?

Oh, adaptive cruise control.

When the Prius senses the car ahead is too close, it warns you and slows down.

Oh. So the car is smarter than our victim.

Anthropologically, the victim...

No, no, no, no. No more anthropology.

All right? You live with three women-- it's like a breeding ground for revenge and v*olence.

You want to know why? Because human beings are more complex than anthropological tropes.

What might work for one culture is an anathema to another.

Wait, are you agreeing with me?

No. No. No.

I'm merely stating what is... currently accepted.

You're agreeing with me. You are.

Only in so far as the victim should have realized how complicated his relationships would become in our present culture.

In that case, and in that case only, he-he was a... he was a nitwit.
(laughing)

He was a nitwit.

Did you just laugh?

I did.

I think I did. I'm sorry. Bones.

It's wrong, because a man is dead.

That's right. You're right, it's sad.

Yeah.

(laughs)
He was a bonehead.

(laughs)
I like that term.

It's very appropriate for my profession. Right.

Right, Bones? Bonehead. Bone. Get it?

How about this-- ass hat?

(laughs)

The guy was a real ass hat.

Oh, we're terrible.

I won't tell if you don't.

Ass hat. (laughs)

Right. Right. Okay, right, all right.

So is Hodgins any closer to finding out about the pecan poop?

He's narrowing it down.

It will tell us where he was k*lled before he was moved to the cornfield.

Poisoned, sh*t, and rolled in poo-poo.

(laughs)
Twit.

Chowder head.

Numbskull.

(both laughing)

We really are terrible.

We're terrible. We're bad.

We're really terrible. Doofus.

They've arrested one of Ed Samuel's sister-wives.

I heard. But she wasn't trying to k*ll him?

Only maim him. We still don't know the identity of the sh**t.

What do you think of this?

Angela asked me to take a look.

But something's not right.

Did she check the figures pertaining to the b*llet's angle and velocity?

They're accurate.

And placing the assailant directly over the victim is consistent with the blowback and the direction of the beveling. True.

But why wouldn't the victim get back up?

It takes two hands to sh**t someone through a potato.

I see your point.

The kinesiology is questionable.

I'll need you to gather all of the possible weapons and measure the length of each barrel immediately.

Then prepare full ballistics reports.

I don't...

I don't think so.

Why not?

Y... You don't need me tonight.

Of course I do.

But it can wait, can't it?

I... suppose.

It's important, but...

So is... my love life.

I-I'm... gonna go home and get ready for a date.

See you tomorrow.

Where's she going?

To have sex with Dr. Lidner.

Oh. Good for Dr. Saroyan.

I have an idea.

Please lie down.

What?

Oh, one of these.

Okay. Ed Samuel was a fairly large man.

What would the k*ller have to do to subdue him? Oh! Ow!

The perimortum bruise on the iliac crest!

One woman could not have overcome the victim.

Well, are you talking about multiple K*llers?

No. We found no evidence to support that theory.

I believe this crime was committed by one man.

A man who feeds turkeys.

Based upon? Are you two familiar with the principles of aviary digestion?

No. No.

In the simplest terms, the digested pecan particulate we found in the blowback is the result of intense dehydration and compression, thanks to the unique gizzard structure of the common turkey.

Is there an uncommon turkey?

Yes. The oscellated turkey, lives solely in the Yucatan Peninsula.

But assuming this crime happened in Virginia...

I asked the co-op to provide a list of who feeds turkeys in the area, and take a look.

Dan Lambertt is on this list, the victim's father-in-law.

Mm-hmm.

We go to where he keeps his turkeys, I bet we find the b*llet.

(beeping and squawking)

♪ And if the past's a distant land ♪
♪ Maybe there is no rhyme or reason ♪
♪ And we have sticks and stones and bruises ♪
♪ Can we do undo what has been done? ♪
♪ Is this the way destiny chooses? ♪

Fire in the hole!

(g*nsh*t)

♪ And if the past's a distant land ♪
♪ Maybe there is no rhyme or reason. ♪

Found this g*n in your septic t*nk, and the b*llet was right here.

How could he do that to my girls?

He was having an affair; he was cheating on them.

Weren't three wives enough?

You understand, don't you, Agent Booth?

You know why I did this.

That doesn't make it right.

I tried to talk some sense into him.

He wouldn't listen.

Well, that doesn't give you the right to take it in your own hands and do what you did.

♪ I see a mountain, see an ocean ♪
♪ See the years that bring moon and tide ♪
♪ Close together ♪
♪ "Settle down,"
I said to myself ♪
♪ Things that come with time ♪
♪ Will always be better... ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, hi! Hey. - Hi, Cam.

Hi, guys.

You'll be relieved to know at we caught the k*ller.

Oh, good. Who-who did it ?

The father of the sister-wives.

Wait, isn't that your prospective partner over there?

BOOTH: It is.

Hey, Doc.

(chuckles)
Hey.

I am such a fool.

Would you like to join us?

Oh, God, no.

N... I mean, no. No.

You guys can...

Yeah, I think she wants to be alone.

Oh.

(clears throat)

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Well, a night off can do wonders.

Yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

We should make it a habit.

Let me get your coat.

Wow, is that my scarf?

Yeah.

(laughs)

Go ahead.

BRENNAN: They make a nice couple, don't they?

BOOTH: Yeah, they do.

Should you call Hannah and ask her to join us?

She enjoys drinking alcohol very much.

Nah, she's working late, you know?

Hey. Hey, could I get the usual here?

MAN: Coming up.

So, this case proves that, um, two's company.

You were right.

(chuckles)

The Samuel wives only appeared to be happy with their arrangement.

Right. The one guy who was happy ended up dead.

Do you think Ed Samuel loved all of his wives equally?

No, mm-mm, he loved the first one the most.

How do you know?

The schedule.

But each week each wife was assigned two nights apiece, and he spent Sunday nights alone.

Well, he was supposed to spend Sunday alone. He didn't?

He went back to the first one.

He did? Every Sunday, that's what they said.

What does that mean?

Well, it means, Bones, that, you know, you could love a lot of people in this world, but there's only one person that you love the most.

Well, how do you know which person you love the most when you're confused by chemical messages traveling throughout your limbic system?

You just do.

What if you let that person get away?

That person's not going anywhere.

We are a good team, all of us. The best.