03x13 - December 22, 1991

[bunniefuu]

Hi. Do you know me?
I'm... [Beeps]

Like millions of other women in America,
I had sex with a Kennedy.

So in order to be special,
I carry this.

The Equity Express card.

That way, whether I'm
getting tackled on a beach...

watching a senator
show me his briefs...

or having my bra
dusted for fingerprints...

I can be sure the Equity Express card
will be there for me.

It's accepted all over the world...

and in most West Palm Beach
hotels and bars.

Tell 'em the woman with the blue dot
on her face sent you.

Thank you... [Beeps]

I may not always remember
where I took off my panty hose...

but I always remember
to carry this.

The Equity Express card.

[Announcer]
Equity Express.

If you leave home without it...

make sure you get grass stains
on your clothes as evidence.

Hello. I'm
Senator Edward Kennedy.

You know, some people say us Kennedys
think we're above the law.

Only problem is, sometimes the law
forgets that we are Kennedys.

And that's why I carry this.

The Kennedy Cart Blanch.

So whether I'm bailing
relatives out of jail...

or just bailing water
out of my car...

whether I'm buying
expert testimony...

or putting a high-priced
lawyer on retainer...

with the Kennedy Cart Blanch,
the sky's the limit.

Most importantly, this card
identifies you as a bona fide Kennedy.

And that makes you above the law.

So whether we're trying
to pass the bar...

Or just passing by a bar...

When we get off...

We get off scot-free,
thanks to this.

[Ted Kennedy]
The Kennedy Cart Blanch.

Don't leave the house,
or the Senate, without it.

Willie, keep it in your pants.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Announcer] America's wealthiest people
have made their fortunes in real estate.

Now one man can give you the safe,
simple, sure way to financial freedom.

Do you recognize this man?

If you don't, you're not
watching enough television.

- He's Tommy Wu.
- Hey, idiot, rotting in your own filth!

What do you think of this excellent
lifestyle I am living?

It all belong to me because
I am just so damn rich!

When I come to this country,
I was boat person.

Now I person who own boat!

You like diamond? You like
pearl? You like hot tub?

Then come to my seminar,
you piece of animal dropping!

And learn to be
so damn rich like me.

And after all that,
you're just so damn rich.

Mr. Wu, excuse me. I'm sorry.
L-I just don't completely understand.

Here all you need to understand.

You just an insignificant
hair on toilet of life!

But I know how you feel.
I was a brain-dead loser like you.

Then one day I got a letter.
My uncle was dead.

And he left me,
Tommy Wu, $ million.

Why can't you do that?

What's stopping you
from being rich?

I took the Tommy Wu Seminar,
and two days later...

I lost my entire family
in a horrible car accident.

But I made $ million.
Thank you, Tommy Wu.

Thank you, genius.

Don't move!
Shut up and lay there!

You are nothing but
a love pillow for Tommy Wu.

And you, you're so fat and lazy,
you stink like roadkill.

If I saw you crossing a road,
I would swerve to k*ll you.

Take a shower, change your clothes
and come to my seminar.

Learn the secret ofTommy Wu.

[Announcer]
Don't be stupid.

Take the Tommy Wu Seminar
this Saturday...

at the parking lot
behind Bob's House of Value.

- You'll learn how to be...
- Just so damn rich!

♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]

- You know, it's gonna take
five clowns to do this act.
- Yep.

Yeah, where's that replacement
clown you were supposed to find?

There he is!

Hey, you're late!
We go on in one minute.

His name is Homey D. Clown.
I'm his parole officer.

He'll be filling in here as part of the work
release program. Just keep an eye on him, huh?

I gotcha.

- Peckerwood.
- Put her there, pal.

- [Buzzes]
- Ah, gotcha!

Beep, beep. Just checkin'.
[Chuckles]

You check again, I'm
gonna bust your goofy ass.

[Chuckles] Let me give you
a little clown advice, Homey.

Now, if it bends, that's funny.

But if it breaks, that ain't funny.
[Chuckles]

What if I snap your neck?
Is that funny?

Yeah, well, I'll have to check
my clown book on that one.

[Announcer] Let's give a rousing
welcome for Chuckles and his friends.!

♪♪ [Fanfare]

[Children Laughing]

[Children Laughing]

Quit pushin', man!

[Children Laughing]

Let me get this straight.

Does this job require me
to debase and degrade myself...

for the amusement
of these little childrens?

Yep, you got it, kid.
[Chuckles]

You're doin' fine.
Now you're gettin' some laughs.

Just remember: One, Chuckles
is the star of the show;

two, Chuckles takes the hits,
and Chuckles gets the laughs;

and three...

And three,
if Homey don't like it...

Homey won't play it.

Yeah, well, uh, we'll
get back to that later.

♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]

Hey, kids, who wants
to see Flippo the Clown...

do a triple back somersault
into this little glass of water?

- [Cheering]
- Can't hear you, kids.

- [All] We do!
- [Cheering Continues]

You all ready
to see Flippo have a ball?

[All]
Yeah!

- [Bell Dings]
- [Screaming]

[Children Laughing]

You know, kids, Homey's
kind of bein' a bad clown.

[Chuckles] Now, you know
what we do to bad clowns?

- [All] What?
- [Chuckles]

- Now that was funny. [Chuckles]
- [Children Laughing]

Now watch the bad clown retaliate
with a little magic trick.

I'm gonna make
the funny clown here disappear.

Abracadabra, abracadan.

Get your ass outta here
as fast as you can.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Now what did I tell you, huh?

I said if it breaks,
that ain't funny.

Now, Chuckles is the star of the show.
We'll get back to you later.

- Okay, kids!
- [Cheering]

- Who wants to see Chuckles fly?
- We do!

I can't hear you, kids.
Who wants to see Chuckles fly?

[Children]
We do.!

Now, just light the fuse, and don't do
anything else, you bonehead. You got it?

Sure. You want me
to take orders from you...

and let you tell me what a clown
is really supposed to do...

and completely repress my own creative
impulse to satisfy your clown ego.

What do you mean, bonehead?

- Get inside the damn cannon.
- [Children Shouting]

It's time for Homey to have
some good ol'jailhouse fun.

Hey, hey, hey!

So, what have we learned,
if nothing else, little children?

[Together]
What, Homey?

That just because
I look like a clown...

don't mean you can
treat me like one.

- [Laughing, Cheering]
- [Nonsensical Humming]

[Chuckles, Coughs]

Okay, while we're sweeping up
what's left of Chuckles...

why don't we sing
the Chuckles the Clown song?

[Cheering]
Yeah!

Sing along with me.
♪ Chuckles the Clown ♪

♪ Chuckles the Clown ♪

- ♪ Loved to mess around ♪
- ♪ Loved to mess around ♪

♪ That's why Chuckles is
splattered on the ground ♪

♪ That's why Chuckles is
splattered on the ground ♪

♪ He thought I was his tool
He could treat me like a fool ♪

♪ But Homey showed him that
he ain't nobody's sucker ♪

♪ And won't be ill-treated
by no low-life two-dollar
minimum-wage-makin'jackass ♪

Y'all better sing this damn song.

♪♪ [Singing Incoherently]

- A'ight, that's close enough.
- Yeah!

♪♪ [Nonsensical Humming]

[Cheering]

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [Fanfare]

For years now,
black entrepreneurs...

have greatly contributed to the success
of big business in this country...

without receiving full credit for some
of their groundbreaking innovations.

In July of ,JeromeJohnson
worked for Zack's Auto.

While performing some routine maintenance,
he made a trendsetting discovery.

Hey, Jerome, man, now look.
Be careful, man.

I tried to get that nut off the oil pan
earlier, but it was just on too tight.

Hey, man,
I know what I'm doing.

I've been doing oil changes
since I was .

See, all I gotta do
is get a good grip on this...

[Grunting]

Got it!

Hey, man, what's... Hey, what's up?

Look at my hair, man! I got
a date in a half an hour, man!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold it one second,
Jerome, man. Yo, take a look in the mirror.

- Oh!
- It looks all the way live!

Oh, yeah!
That's all right.

[Narrator] It was at that moment,
thatJerome realized...

he had discovered a new hairstyle.

- Y'all have a good time now.
- All right, man.

I just love your hair, Jerry.

[Smacking]

Pull!

So today we salute
JeromeJohnson...

inventor of theJheri Curl.

I'm Tommy Davidson, and this has been
another great moment in black history.

Hello, and welcome to Ebony, Jet,
Essence, Right On.! Showcase.

I'm your host, Louie Bedford.

Tonight, in the tradition of Spike Lee,
John Singleton and Matty Rich...

we're going to meet one of the newest
young black filmmakers...

to make his mark in Hollywood.

We're on location on the set
of his latest film.

Please give a warm
Ebony, Jet, Essence, Right On.! Showcase
welcome toJameelJamaal.

Jameel, thanks for joining us.
You seem awful young to be a filmmaker.

Only seven years old.

See, that's where you're wrong.
I'm seven and a half.

Okay, seven and a half, and you already
have your own production company?

That's right. It's called
Forty Candy Bars and a Bike.

You see,
I started this company...

'cause there's no blacks
in kids' TV.

- Can you give us an example?
- Yeah. The Flintstones.

Are you telling me there were
no blacks in the caveman times?

Where the hell
did Fred get those ribs?

Them big ones
that tipped over his car?

You don't get those
at the mall, man!

But that's just one example.

Okay, what about TheJetsons? What,
there's no black people in the future either?

Man, all they had to do was flip two letters,
and Elroy could have been Leroy.

So you're saying there are no black
characters in children's programming?

Just one... the brother
on The Roadrunner, Willie Coyote.

Oh, you mean Wile E. Coyote.
He's a brother?

Yeah. And look
what they did to him.

He didn't have no job,
he was always buyin' stuff...

you never know
where he got the money...

and all he wanted was
a little golden bird for dinner.

I can go on.
I've got charts, graphs...

diagrams and reports
to back up what I'm sayin'.

- Well, let's see 'em.
- Uh, my dog threw up on 'em.

Now, many have called you the young
Spike Lee, the nextJohn Singleton.

That stinks, man!
I'm nothin' like them.

They don't understand
my pain, my suffering.

I can't drive.
I can't stay up past : .

Man, I'm wearing
Care Bear underpants.

I understand, Jameel,
we have a clip from your film.

Would you mind
setting this up for us?

Sure. I made this movie
for my people: The kids.

It's a story of a boy who stands up
for his rights against the Man.

It's called The Three Little Pigs.

- Open up in there!
- We know this is a Crackerjack house.

No way,
you three little pigs!

You're not gonna treat me
like you treat Willie Coyote.

That's it. If you don't open up, we're
gonna huff and puff and run your butt in.

Just because I'm black doesn't
mean I'm a Crackerjack dealer.

I'm a positive role model.
I'm not afraid of nothing.

Oh, that's it.
I'm gonna tell your mom.

[Screaming]

There's a very powerful message there,
Jameel. What does it mean?

The message is this:

Buy my Three Little Pigs
hats, shirts and video games.

I learned that from Spike Lee.

And watch for my next film,
Little Red Riding in the Hood.

Thank you, Jameel, for joining us.
And thank you.

Join me again on the Ebony, Jet,
Essence, Right On.! Showcase.

I'm your host, Louie Bedford.
Good night.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

Okay, kids, let's
get ready for Santa Claus.

Everybody stand back.
I'm gonna light the fireplace.

Ho, ho, ho
and howdy, folks.

Make way for
Fire Marshall Santa.

- Hey, kids, look who's here!
- [All Cheering]

- Are you really Santa Claus?
- [Laughing]

Are you joking? Santa Claus is just
a marketing tool for big business.

Wake up, son.

No, I'm here to make sure
your holiday season is a safe one.

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house...

were de-de-deadly fire hazards!

Now, what kind of snack were kids
gonna leave for this "so-called" St. Nick?

- Cookies!
- Sounds delicious.

But what if the jar
is empty this year...

and you decide to make him
a waffle instead?

You pull out your waffle iron,
you go to pour in the mix...

somebody says, " Hey, look. Rudolph's
pinching a loaf on the neighbor's lawn."

- Where? Where?
- [Sizzling]

Fire Marshall Santa,
doesn't that hurt?

Like the dickens.
[Laughs]

Quick! Somebody hand me
the Log Cabin syrup!

[Laughing]

Hey, listen, buddy. They said you
were supposed to bring toys for the kids.

Take a chill pill, Dad. You can't sing
"Jingle Bells" when your head's on fire.

Say, that's a beautiful
tree you've got there.

Let Santa show you something!

Now, let's just say the guy
who sold you this Christmas tree...

is an avid bear hunter, and he threw in
a little something extra.

You stick your leg in there,
trying to locate the biggest present...

[Screaming, Gasping]

[Groaning]

Fire Marshall Santa,
are you okay?

[Laughing]

Ho, ho, ho. Nothing a little egg nog
and Demerol won't fix.

But what about our toys, Santa?

I bet I know what you
want, little darling.

What?

A Barbie Power Wheels Car.

- Oh, yeah!
- Hold it, Curly Sue!

A go-cart like this
can be a lot of fun...

but it can also be a fiery death trap
on a highway to hell.

Let's just say there's an outbreak
of psychosis at the North Pole...

and a demented elf
switches your little battery...

with a V- , -horsepower,
fuel-injected...

t-t-turbo engine... like so!

You're having
a manic-depressive episode.

- [Engine Starts]
- You think you're Tom Cruise
in Days of Thunder.

You jump in the car, put your pedal
to the metal, and hold on, Barbie!

[Tires Screeching]

Oh, my God! You put a hole
in my living room wall!

You call it a hole;
I call it a fire exit.

You might want to get
those wheels aligned.

Okay, children, gather around
while Santa gives you the safety
tip that could save Christmas.

Now, what do you like
to roast on an open fire?

- Chestnuts!
- You got it, Peanuts g*ng!

But say you're
a World w*r II veteran...

and you haven't cleaned out
your pockets since D-day!

You're searching around in there,
trying to come up with a chestnut...

and you accidentally pull out
a live hand grenade.

- [All Gasping]
- Santa, don't! No!

Everybody relax!
Take a chill pill, would you?

I am a fire marshall.

Let's get out!

Can't fool Fire Marshall Santa.

He sees you
when you're sleeping...

and he knows when
you're about to combust.

Idiot! I don't have
any fire insurance!

Well, now you know
what to ask for next Christmas.

- [Mutters]
- [Laughing]

Hey, there's some young tykes
building a snowman.

[Blows Whistle]

Hold it right there, kids!

I think Frosty could use
a much bigger nose.

Let Santa show you something!

- [All Screaming]
- [expl*si*n]

Hey, everybody, we'd like to introduce
to you our very special guest.

- Derrick Brown. Say hi.
- Hi.

- Hey!
- Our new honorary cast member.

And on behalf of everybody
here at In Living Color...

- we'd like to wish you a very happy holiday.
- Happy holidays.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]