04x17 - February 14, 1993

[bunniefuu]

[Throaty Voice]
Hello. I'm Isabel Sanford...

and for seasons,
I played Louise on TheJeffersons.

Like most entertainers,
my performance depends a lot on my voice.

You're probably
asking yourself right now...

"How did she get such
a smooth, sexy sound out of that throat?"

Well, the secret is these: Weezies.

Guaranteed to make
your voice sound its absolute best.

How do they do it? By using
only the finest of natural ingredients:

Retsyn, broken glass,
carpet tacks, pit gravel...

and a hint of cherry.

- Wink, wink.
- [Coughs]

Oh, what's the matter, Bob?
Throat trouble?

Yeah.
It's been bothering me for three days.

Here. Try a Weezie.

[Coughing Violently]

Weezies take
a little getting used to at first...

- kind of like Mr. Bentley's face.
- [Violent Coughing Continues]

What was up with that?

- How do you feel now, Bob?
- Like my throat is bleeding.

[Coughs, Clears Throat]

- [Throaty Voice] But I sound terrific.
- Of course you do.

You've got the Weezies.

- Can I have one of those too, lady?
- Oh, aren't you cute?

But aren't you a little young
for a Weezie?

- Please?
- Oh, what the hell.

There you go.

Weezies are for the whole family.
Now, repeat after me.

- [Throaty] George.
- [Throaty] George.

- Now you. Florence.
- [Froggy] Florence.

Now, one time together.

- Tom, Helen.
- [Both, Froggy] Tom, Helen.

- Lionel.
- Lionel.

- Ralph.
- [Both] Ralph.

[Man]
Weezies. Now available in cherry...

tar and new sandpaper.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip
and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide
on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one
of those funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
with talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe, but some
of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪♪

[Woman]
♪ There's a lecture every minute ♪

♪ From the homeless
to the vote ♪

♪ It's a different message ♪

♪ And we'll shove it
down your throat ♪♪

My sister, my sister. Ooh,
look at all those braids. How you doin'?

- So what you up to, my sister?
- Well, we're building...

an antiapartheid shantytown outside
the headquarters of Wendell's House of Globes.

And we're gonna stay there every day
until they take South Africa off their maps...

because, my sister, until
our people are free all around the world...

none of us is truly free.

Ron, you've tried to hit on every girl
in this school.

Why don't you make up your mind,
my brother?

But, you know, man, they all
have awesome booties, man, you know.

All the little sweet honeys, man.
They're awesome. They're... ooh-whee!

My brother, sometime I don't think
you have a brain.

Well, you know, I'll take that.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What are you two doin' here?

You should've graduated
years ago.

Don't you know, Mr. Gaines,
that we must stay in school...

if our people
are ever to truly be free?

[All Applauding]

You know, besides that,
I'm gettin' my master's degree in booty!

Ron, Ron, Ron, my brother,
this is not the way.

Don't you know that two-thirds of today's
college students do not practice safe sex...

and % of sexually transmitted diseases are
spread by % of the population % of the time...

and nine out of people don't even
know this show is still on the air.

Do you know that four out of five
dentists surveyed recommend Trident...

for patients who chew gum?

- Walter, you're back!
- Man, I had to come back, man...

when I heard that Whitley
was using hair spray, man.

Man, that stuff is destroyin' our atmosphere,
man. I ain't lyin'.

And until we protect the ozone,
our people will never truly be free.

Listen to my brother, my sisters.

And another thing. What's with
you ladies and shoe shopping, man?

I mean, how many pairs
of shoes do y'all need?

I'm talkin' 'bout all types of damn shoes,
man. Got 'em packed all up in the closet.

Shoes be goin', " Hey, man, why you got us
packed all up in this closet for?"

Even the shoes tryin' to get
away from your big old butt.

But more importantly, please
rent my video, Necessary Roughness.

Video be sittin' in the rental store
goin', " Hey, man, ain't nobody rentin' me.

Get me off the damn shelf, man." I may
have to open for Luther again if this keeps up.

My sisters, it's my sister.

- This is my sister, Sister Cindy.
- Hey, Sister.

Sister Cindy, my sisters...

my sisters, my sister, Sister Cindy.

Well, we're off to the shantytown.

Well, I guess I have
to find something to protest.

And I'm on my way to the Laundromat,
because until I can rid my clothes of filth...

and stubborn grease stains,
our people will never truly be free.

You said that, my brother.

And I'm off to get my damn job back
on the Apollo.

[Woman] It's time once again
to ask the question "why"?

Thank you, Paul.
After two weeks in intensive care...

[Spanish Pronunciation] Hector Ramirez
is reported to be in stable condition.

He was found on
[Spanish Pronunciation] La Tijera Boulevard...

after a collision in his Ford
[Spanish Pronunciation]
Festiva in front of El Torito.

Señor Ramirez had just consumed
two extra crispy burritos, three margaritas...

e una pollo quesadilla con queso.

Stop. Why is it that
reporters try to get ethnic...

when they report a story
about Latinos?

Why don't they do this
with other groups?

Thank you, Lisa.
Today at police headquarters...

Captain Kevin [Irish Brogue] Magillacutty
and Sergeant Sean McCarthy...

announced their retirement
from the police department.

Afterwards, they celebrated at
[Irish Brogue] O'Shaunessey's Pub...

and had a few pints of
[Irish Brogue] McDougal's Ale.

Lisa?

Thanks, Paul. An elderly woman
witnessed a robbery...

at the [German Accent] Wienerschnitzel.

The criminals, dressed in [German Accent]
Lederhosen and eating sauerkraut...

yelled a loud "gesundheit" as they hopped
into their [Accent] Volkswagen...

and drove away.

[Childlike Voice]
Why?

We have a very special guest D.J.
On this week's show.

He's one of the toughest,
bravest guys I know.

And later on in the show, he's gonna do one
of the most death-defying stunts attempted.

He's on location right here
on the Fox lot...

and he's high atop
the world's tallest D.J. Platform.

Please welcome
Super Dave Osborne.

- [Applause]
- Thank you, Twist.

I can't tell you what an honor it is
to be on the show.

All right.
Let's not waste any more time.

Come on, girls. Let's bite it!

- [Needle Scratching Record]
- What's wrong?

- That's "kick it."
- All right. Let's kick it!

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Man] Established years ago
by actor Charles Bronson...

the Make A Death Wish Foundation is
dedicated to making children's dreams come true.

With the help of Charles Bronson,
anything is possible.

Wow! Froggy Land,
the amusement park!

- This is gonna be fun!
- Not so fast, little guy. It costs $ to get in here.

I don't have $ .

Hey, pond scum, here's a. .

You can keep the change.
How about givin' this kid a break?

Hey, mister, you wouldn't sh**t
Freddy the Frog, would you?

Of course not.

Take that, you wart-faced,
lily pad-suckin'...

tadpole-molestin'
Kermit wannabe.

Hey, kid, let's go see
what kind of service we can get...

with a smile and a g*n.

- [Crowd Cheering]
- ♪♪ [Band Playing]

That's the way to be in there, Edwardson.
That's the way to be in there.

Look here, Gutierrez. It comes down
to this. You go out and make a field goal so we win.

- Get out there!
- Can I kick the ball, Mr. Bronson?

I'd like to see someone try
to stop you.

Hey, jock breath,
how about giving the little kid his wish.

Are you out of your mind? This is the
championship. This is the biggest game of my life.

You think I'm gonna let an eight-year-old kid
go in there and... [Yelps]

Take that, you whistle-blowin',
Gatorade-suckin'...

watchin' the boys
in the shower too long...

Mike Ditka wannabe.

Hey, kid. Don't worry about the defense.
I got 'em covered.

Okay, girls. Hit it.

Rah-rah, Smith & Wesson.
Rah-rah, Smith & Wesson.

[Man] At the Charles Bronson Foundation,
a child's wish...

is somebody else's headache.

Hey. Well, hi there. You probably
wanna know about the plane, huh?

No. He wants to fly it.

Bang!

This is fun, Mr. Bronson!

Is everything okay in here?

Hey, it's time I get a wish too.

Come here, you peanut-pushing,
luggage-losing...

waking me up
when I don't need a pillow...

little wide-bodied bimbo!

Take it easy, kid.
There could be some turbulence.

[Man] So please give to the Charles Bronson
Make A Death Wish Foundation...

and give till it hurts,
before he hurts you.

This is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

We're only seconds away from one
of the most incredible stunts ever attempted.

Now, remember.
Super Dave Osborne is a professional...

so, kids, don't try this at home.

- Take it away, Super Dave!
- [Super Dave] Thank you very much, David...

and once again,
I'm thrilled to be on In Living Color.

I love your show. Uh, what I was going
to do tonight, ladies and gentlemen...

was a stunt that was never attempted before
in the history of stuntdom.

It was a three-and-a-half triple loop
with a layout...

on a target in the middle
of a bag from feet.

Unfortunately, we have bad weather conditions...
the wind is coming up...

so I'm still gonna do a jump,
but I'm gonna adjust it a little bit.

I'm still gonna jump to a target on the bag,
but I'm gonna do a full swan dive.

It should look beautiful, so you should
put a tape in your machine and not miss it.

Now, if you pan down, Terry,
you'll see the target on the bag.

I've had it put on the corner of the bag
just to make the stunt more difficult.

Again, this is a piece of cake
for Super Dave Osborne...

but I did move the target
over a little to make it more challenging.

Now, I have promised the people
In Living Color, if I don't go directly...

into the middle of the target,
I will donate my full salary...

which is a lot of money,
to their favorite charity.

However, if I do go into the middle
of the target, they must double my salary...

and half the money will go
to my favorite charity...

the Underprivileged Stunt Kids
of Manitoba, Canada.

So it should be very exciting,
and as an added incentive...

the people of In Living Color
have thrown in a bonus:

If I hit the middle of the target,
I get a date with the Fly Girl of my choice.

So it's gonna be a lot of fun.
I want you to focus on this...

and I promise you,
I'm going directly into the yellow.

My hands won't even touch the red.
Here we go.

All right. Hello, bag.
Here I come!

Up, and... I missed it!

Super Dave! Super Dave!
Are you all right?

[Groans]
I think I broke my spleen.

Well, of course you are, Super Dave.
Is there anything we can do for you?

Since I'm not getting any money for this show,
can I have a memento, something?

Uh, well, let me see
what I can do, Super Dave.

Listen, guys,
why don't we give Super Dave the turntable?

- Sure. No problem.
- [Super Dave] The turntable? Forget it.

[Groans]
New pain.

- Super Dave?
- Tell the Fly Girl to forget it.

Uh, excuse me, sir.
Is this the dog show here?

Why, yes, sir, it certainly is.
Now, if you could please just ta...

You're a little bit taken by Duke.

He a beaut, ain't he, boy?
Look at that Duke runnin' like the devil.

- Is there something wrong with your dog?
- You're Chester's boy, ain't ya?

I'll beJohn Brown,
runnin' like a tick in a tree factory.

Yes, you are. You got big. I remember when
you wasn't bigger than a tick on a possum's ass.

But look at you now.
Boy, I remember...

when you drowned in that creek
on the Fourth ofJuly, but you look good now.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the competition is about to begin.

Everyone take your places, please.

Heel now. Heel...
Heel, Duke. Heel!

Heel, Duke. Heel.

Starin' at 'im
ain't gonna make him yours.

Yeah, I know. Duke is gettin' a little hot.
You best watch your leg.

Poppin' fresh.
Look at that, boy. Whoo!

Easy, Duke, now.
Let the little ugly bitch go first.

- Aldo is male.
- Well, you can't tell by lookin' at him.

- My, what a marvelous animal.
- Thank you. He's a purebred.

- And what kind is yours, sir?
- Mine is more like a gingerbread. He just lays still.

Look at that. There you go. Shiny coat.
Lays still like a cookie. Look at that, boy.

- Sir, your dog is...
- You're Tippy Wilson, ain't ya?
Boy, I'll beJohn Brown.

- No, I'm not, sir.
- Yes, you is, boy. I remember...

when you was on Johnson's farm, and
that wheat thrasher cut your head clean off.

But your head grew in real good.
Your ears is balanced and everything.

Boy, look at you.
I'll beJohn Brown, runnin' like a...

I'm sorry, sir,
but you're going to have to leave.

Whoa, Duke.
Heel, Duke. Heel, Duke.

- Well, look at that. Stanky Steve.
- What? No.

You stanky, yes, you are, boy.
I can smell you like a bag of clams.

Look at you, boy.
I'll beJohn Brown.

Boy, I remember when they drenched him
in alcohol, put a firecracker in his butt...

took him to a bridge and threw him
off the bridge and he fell.

- He hit his head on a rock,
bust his head wide open...
- Okay. I think...

And then juice was comin' out of his head
like fire water, and then they picked him up...

All right! Enough!
You're in the competition.

I told you, Duke. We gonna get...
We gonna win this one hands down.

- Does Aldo do any tricks?
- Duke, stay!

Look at that, boy.
I'll beJohn Brown runnin'.

Well, can Duke do this?
Come on, Aldo.

Come on. Up, up, up.

Up, up. Yes. Good boy!

Oh, hell, that ain't nothin'. You wanna
see somebody get on up the stairs? Look at that.

Run that, Duke. Look at that.
Come on up there, Duke. There you go.

Hup! Up! Up! There you go.

- There you go, Duke.
- I'm not sure, but I think he cheated.

Cheated? Ain't nobody cheated. You just
jealous 'cause Duke is better than your dog.

Duke can even do impressions.
You wanna see Duke do an impression? Here.

Watch him impersonate. Duke, do Lassie.
Hello. What'd you say, Lassie?

Timmy's stuck in a mine?

Is it a coal mine
or is it an oil mine?

Gas leak or methanol?
Which way did he go?

Oh.

- Give it up for Duke.
- It's ridiculous.

Look at this. Aldo? Yes.

- Now, that's a trick.
- He's a little dancer.

That ain't nothin'. Come on, Duke. We got
to show our stuff. Look at that boy running...

There you go, boy.
You're catchin' 'em.

Well, you know, he been eatin' all day.
He can't eat all the time.

Sir, why don't you just leave now?
You don't stand a chance of winning.

What you mean, we ain't got a chance, sir?
What you mean? Duke got a chance.

That's what they told him at the clinic
when they said he had rabies. He got a chance.

- Rabies? Oh, Aldo! [Squeals]
- Calm down. Calm down, people.

Duke, get him.
Well, I'll beJohn Brown.

Look like everybody done left.
I guess that means we win, Duke.

We win. Well, you did good.

- Thank you. Look out there!
- Oh, God.

Better get on now.

I'm proud of you, Duke, son.
You did good, son.

I love you like you was my own.
I know you hear me.

Hi, I'm Rosie.
This is my partner, Arthur.

- [All] Arthur!
- Arthur!

Tonight we got Naughty by Nature off
ofTommy Boy Records performin'...

- "Hip Hop Hooray."
- [Rosie] Ho! Hey! Ho!

This is the single off the Naughty III album,
entitled "Hip Hop Hooray."

- So check it out.
- ♪♪ [Rapping]

Ho! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!

♪♪ [Continues Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

Ho! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho!

- Hey! Ho!
- ♪♪ [Rapping]

Ho! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho! Hey!

Treachery,
come down to town.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Both Rapping]

Ho! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho! Hey!

- Ho! Hey!
- ♪♪ [Rapping]

Ho! Hey! Ho! Hey!

- Ho! Hey!
- Treachery come down three time!

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

Ho! Hey! Ho!

Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!

♪♪ [Rapping]
Ho! Hey! Ho!