05x23 - April 28, 1994

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

[Chattering, Indistinct]

Ladies, thank you for
giving up your lunch hour...

to attend this seminar on sexual
harassment in the workplace.

Now please join me
in welcoming the head...

of the, uh, School of Self-defense
in Hollywood...

Mr. Sweet Tooth Jones.

♪♪ [Record Player: Funk]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Ends]

Now, normally,
I don't work for the man.

But word on the street is that some cats
been jivin' y'all at the file cabinet.

They up to no damn good.

- Actually, Mr. Tooth...
- That's Sweet Tooth, sister.

- Right on.
- Stay loose, kittens.

Lay your number on me, sister.
What's the scene?

Okay, so, I'm at
the filing cabinet, right?

- Oh, I dig.
- L-I'm bending over to get a file
and someone grabbed my rear.

- I mean they just, like, grabbed it.
- I heard that.

Well, I'm lookin' at your booty now,
uh, Snow White, look at that.

Round as Pam Grier's in Coffy.

Did you see Coffy?

Sheba, Baby. Cleopatra Jones.
Say what, baby?

Well, wait a minute.
What do I do next time it happens?

'Cause I really don't like it that much.

Let me tell you somethin'.
If you're too uptight to groove...

and the dude won't
get off your tail...

Check this. Step up. Let's do this.
Come on. Demo time.

You got to arch that.
Arch that.

- There you go, Queen Bee. [Shouts]
- Say, mama.

Why don't we go on back to my office
and you can take some dictation?

Up yours, jive turkey.

[Shouts]

[Chuckles]

- Any questions?
- Excuse me, Mr. Sweet Tooth.

Why did you att*ck the girl?

Do unto others,
before you get your butt whipped.

- [Shouts]
- Excuse me. What are you talking about?

What am I talkin' about? I'm talking about
straight, "unadultered" kung fu, baby.

Somethin' you probably don't know
nothin' about. Now, don't get me wrong.

Oh!

[Shouts]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Let's go. Scenario número "B."
Let's go.

[Shouts]

I dig your groovy boots,
white mama.

How'd you like to climb up
my corporate ladder.

Back off, jive turkey.

[Screams]

- [Woman] Excuse me.
- You got any questions?

You've just beaten this woman up twice.
What lesson are we learning?

My visually vicious, yet totally
painless att*cks on this woman...

are but a metaphor for life.

You got to watch your back.

Totally painless?
You know nothing about karate.

Hey! And I never said I did.

- I'm a fight choreographer out of Hollywood.
- That's right, you are.

And I know Townsend and them.

But I can really thrown down.
You wanna see?

Huh, you want some of this,
mama? Come on. Huh?

- [Grunts]
- Tamara Dobson was Cleopatra Jones.

What the hell?

Hey, hey, hey.

Damn.

Damn, Red!

Man, get off me
and start the music, man.

♪♪ [Funk]

♪♪ [Singing]

See what I'm sayin'?

- You wanna go get some lunch, man?
- Come on, man.

Let's go get some lunch, man.
Do the rock.

Robot.

Good foot.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Turntable Scratching]

♪♪ [Continues]

[Turntable Scratching]

♪♪ [Ends]

You think you're tough,
don't you, Ken, huh?

Well, here's your wake-up call.

Excuse me. Uh, hi.
Are you the guidance counselor?

- Have a seat.
- Okay, thanks.

- Name's Ed Bacon. What's your name, son?
- Uh, John. John.

- John?
- Yeah.

Let me just get out theJohn file.

- Yeah.
- John.

- Yeah, John Sa...
- John. John.

John with no "H."
What do you know?

There's freakin'
Johns in this school.

Hey, maybe you're
one of the lucky ones...

whose dad actually stuck around
long enough to give him a last name.

It's Sanders!
John Sanders! John Sanders!

S-A-N-D-E-R-S. John Sanders
with an "S" at both ends.

Sanders.

Uh, "J" Sanders.
Here we are.

It's comin' right up here.

Take-Take your time.
You seem tense.

- I'm just fine.
- Okay.

- John.
- All righty.

Now, John...

according to this, you've been spending
a lot of time in art class there.

Yeah, I'm, uh...
I'm hoping to be a painter.

- Interesting.
- Yeah.

- What about the Marines, son?
- The Marines?

I'm just suggesting that because
you seem a little poofy to me.

A little sweet in the pants,
you know what I mean?

Yup, I'd definitely say
the Marines are for you, John.

Make you tough.
Take a sh*t at me. Come on!

It'll be good for you, John.
It'll be real good for you.

All right, Mr. Bacon, you can
spit on my dreams if you want to...

but, uh, I'm gonna
show you and everybody.

Uh, someday I'm gonna...
I'm gonna be a painter.

Well, then.

By all means, paint.

Just paint your
sissy little heart out.

Hell, I've just been doing this
for years. What do I know, huh?

- I'm an idiot, right?
- I didn't...

Get outta my sight.

Get out!

And don't call me from
the homeless shelter either!

Everything all right?
Uh, what's with John?

I guess he just had a little bite
from the big reality sandwich...

and he started
to choke on it.

- Who are you?
- Uh, Donita Clark. You sent for me.

Right. Donita.

I've been looking over your file.

I see you've been studying
ballet lessons for years.

That's right.
I'm gonna be a ballet dancer.

I'm gonna spend the summer in London
studying at the Royal Academy.

[Laughing]

[Continues Laughing]

Big mistake.
Have a seat, Donita.

I've taken a personal interest
in your career.

Now, why would you want
to go all the way to London...

when you could
pursue your dream...

- right here in the States?
- How?

As a stripper.
There's good money in strippin'.

I don't care.
I'm gonna be a ballet dancer.

Wake up, Donita!

You're not very pretty
and you're not very smart.

So you can thank your lucky stars
that God gave you such a great rack.

It's your choice, Donita,
strip or starve.

Mr. Baker!

Now, now, Donita.

I know this seems harsh...

but I'm tellin' you now...

because in years,
those knockers of yours...

are gonna be down
around your ankles.

That's what happens
with big ones like yours.

It's a little law
called gravity, Donita.

Now, here's
what I want you to do.

Drop out of school immediately.

Go see my friend Kenny
at theJug Shack.

The address
are on those matches.

[Sobbing]

Yep, I can still
make a difference.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Marlon Kane.

You know, they used to say you
couldn't score below on the S.A.T.

It's an honor to meet
the man who proved 'em wrong.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Bacon.

He speaks!

Well, Marlon...

it seems that even a cud-chewing cretin
like yourself is entitled to work.

So, why don't we pull out
the old career skills manual...

and see what magnificent
opportunities await somebody...

with your special needs.

Now, let's see.

Ah, here's one.

Neck wringer
at the slaughterhouse.

No, you'd have to be smarter than
the chickens to catch them. [Chuckles]

Garbage man. That's like puttin' a kid
in the candy store.

Here we go.
No skills, no brains required.

And that would leave only one profession.
It would, uh, be...

What does it say?

- Guidance counselor.
- What? I can't hear you.

Guidance counselor.
Guidance counselor!

Thanks for your advice, Mr. Bacon,
but I think I'll hold out...

and do somethin' better, all right?

Did anybody say $ ? Come on.
For this super hunk over here.

Come on. Goin' once.
Goin' twice.

Come on, now.

Sold to the lady
in the front row for $ .

All right.
Go and get him. Come on, now.

They've got jungle fever.

All right, all right. Next we have a celebrity
hunk. You want me to bring him out?

- Yeah!
- I can't hear y'all.

Yeah.!

Okay, let's welcome
Mr. Luther Vandross.

[Cheering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

All right.

Hey, man, thanks for coming by
the station today, okay?

- Hey, it's all right.
- You are my man.

You wanna give these lovely
ladies a little preview...

- of what a date would be like with you?
- Oh, let me run it by you.

First we'll, uh, sail out
on my private yacht.

Yeah. All alone, under the stars.

'Cause, uh, everybody knows...

♪♪ [Singing]

There it is.

Any love? You hear me?

Let's get the bidding started
at $ . What do you say?

- I'll give you $ for him.
- $ right here.

- $ .
- $ right there.

- .
- , right up front...

[Woman]
$ , whoo-hoo.!

$ . I heard $ , but honey, you got to
show your face. It ain't gonna be all that...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch yourself, Luther.
- Hey.

- Good Lord!
- Great googley moogley!

Who in the hell
shaved that wombat?

You better chill out, Erkel.
I ain't with that stuff.

Wait, superstar,
come he... Come here.

I been fantasizin' about you
and kissin' your picture and stuff.

You look like you been
kissin' a weed whacker. Whew!

What's wrong with you?

He's so crazy and he is...
He's sexy too and crazy.

I can't wait to take you
on our dream date.

I'm gonna take you to Meaty, Meaty Burger and
we gonna get some cheeseburgers and stuff.

Then we gonna go home and then pick
the cheese outta our teeth and stuff.

And then we gonna creep,
creep, creep, creep.

Why don't you creep your butt
back to the swamp?

Why don't you mind your business
with them big-ass glasses?

Okay, we're at $ . Who's gonna
top that for a date with Luther?

- Come on. . Come on.
- .

- , right there.
- .

- There it is.
- Uh, anyway, uh, $ , please.

- $ .
- Uh, just keep sayin' to yourself
this is a charity event, okay?

- Okay, but where does she get the money?
- A gorilla contest? I don't know.

Look, don't worry about
where I gets my money.

I gets my money.
That's all you got to worry about.

Plus you know, you know,
my house was kinda, uh...

deconstructed in the earthquake
and stuff, you know.

Yeah, it looks like the San Andreas Fault
was right across your damn face.

It's registerin' a .
on the ugly scale.

Aw, so y'all got jokes and stuff, huh?
Well, I tell you what.

Ain't nobody gonna outbid Wanda Wayne.
That's all you need to know.

Uh, look, which one of y'all
ladies are gonna rescue...

I mean, which one of y'all are gonna
bid for Luther? Come on, man.

We're talkin' about
a real catch here.

It says here that, uh, he's active
in all kinds of charitable organizations.

See, that's good, 'cause that's
a turn-on, see, 'cause I like that.

See, I like a man like that. He needs to donate
his manhood to the Wanda Foundation. Hey.

No, no. Wait, wait. See, I don't know
where you get your information from.

- It's right here.
- Uh, no, no. It's all wrong.

I hate charities.
I don't like 'em. I'm selfish.

Well, see, that's good. You selfish,
that means you keep me all to yourself.

I don't like sharin'.

No, no, no. See, you don't understand.
See, I'm no good.

I'm low-down.
I'm known to be low-down. I'm scum.

sh**t. I don't know
what you talkin' about.

I done dated all kind... I dated prisoners.
Don't you know Shank and Rampage?

Okay, look,
the bidding starts at .

- Who can put that down? Come on, now.
- Look, I'll bid $ .

- $ .
- Sold.

Hey, that ain't fair. You better...
Light skin, you better get on.

$ .

- $ .
- $ , child.

Uh-uh. $ , ...
Hold on a second.

Oops.

I almost showed you somethin'.

$ dollars, uh,
and I got some pesos.

You know, work is good
south of the border. Hey!

Oh, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. That's that.

That's enough of that.
I'll bid $ , .

Good, 'cause I need some money.

- Who do I make the check out to?
- Uh, Luther, I don't think
that you can do that, man.

No, let him make the check.
I'm ready to go.

Uh, Luther, man, I'm really insulted.
This is a charity event...

- I don't want you insulted.
- I don't mean to dis you, you know what I mean?

You know that purple
Mercedes outside?

- Right. It's actually plum colored.
- Keys, right there. For you.

- Don't play with me.
- Let's get on outta here. Come on.

- That's my donation.
- Uh, ladies, you can pick your coats up front.

Well, get on outta here then.

Girl, who you lookin' at?

You better get your
hair fixed next time.

'Cause I don't need no man.
I can make it on my own and stuff.

You know, it ain't like I need somebody.
[Sniffling]

So does this mean, uh...

that you gonna rock my world?

No, that's just a rose.

Thank you anyway though,
you know. It's all good.

And now from Detroit,
DefJam/Chaos recording artists...

performing "Progress of Elimination."

Give it up for Boss.

We got the roughest, toughest
chi you ever seen, yo.

Roughest chi
you ever seen, yo.

- Yo, yo, yo. What's up? How y'all feel?
- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]

Check it, check it, check it out.
Check it, check it.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]