01x07 - Roasting For Beginners

[bunniefuu]

[electronic dance music playing]

[woman laughs]

[gasps] Don't scare the monkeys!

Oh, you're awake. I couldn't sleep either.

Leslie's having another party

in the basement.

[sighs] That is not cool.

[sighs]

If we don't do something about this,

we won't get any sleep.

Do you have a bathroom in here?

The one down the hall's ocupado.

- What the hell? Who are you?

- Ronnie.

Are you Ellis Dragon?

Oh my God! I gotta get a picture.

And you're the "music's too loud" guy!

Hey, do you have a camera?

My dude, like I told you an hour ago,

you need to find your pants and go home.

Well, like I told you an hour ago,

they're in the dryer 'cause they're wet.

Idiot.

I don't think a pants-less stranger

should be able to walk uninvited

into a person's bedroom.

That may be one of the rare things

you and I can agree on.

It is.

Dad, you and Leslie have had a lot of fun,

but maybe it's time

for this playdate to be over.

You may be right.

[upbeat rhythmic music playing]

Morning. Beautiful day.

How can you be this cheery

after what happened last night?

I helped myself to an African chew stick.

It's from the Salvadora persica tree

and gives me energy and keeps me upbeat.

Are you sure that's not a dog toy?

There was a dog here last night.

I'm pretty sure this is mine.

Although it would explain why it was wet

and on the hallway floor.

- You're gonna tell Leslie he has to go?

- g*dd*mn it, I'm eating a dog toy.

[Leslie] Morning.

Ooh!

Thank God. Boy, last night was a movie.

But it was a k*ller housewarming.

It was a housewarming party?

I mean, it's kind of weird.

It's not your house.

It's all good. Got a lot of stuff.

- What kind of stuff?

- It's my stuff. Don't worry about it.

Look, Leslie, I was thinking,

is it possible

that you're using staying here

to avoid the fact that your wife left you

and that you miss her?

I'm not avoiding anything.

I wanna be here.

I thought you wanted me here too.

You certainly did when you kidnapped me

and locked me up in your basement.

Of course I want you here.

Good. Well, I hope you're nice to Ronnie

when he wakes up.

He's also been going through a lot.

His latex pants melted

in your dryer last night.

[sighs] We're going to have to settle

for just getting rid of Ronnie.

No, no, no. We'll get rid of Leslie too.

He just needs to be handled

with some diplomacy, because, you know

- You kidnapped him.

- He has a tender heart.

- And you kidnapped it.

- Only after he blackmailed me.

- Let's talk about us.

- Us?

I'm worried about us.

Are we an us?

I never thought of us as an us.

Exactly. Since you've been here,

you've made friends. That's great.

We haven't spent much time together.

Mm-hmm. At work, you're my boss,

and at home, you're my dad.

- Everybody else is just a normal friend.

- Yes.

So let's go somewhere

where we're not father-son

or boss-employee.

- Just friends.

- Oh my God.

You gonna make me jump out of an airplane

strapped face-to-face with you again?

I loved it,

and I'm the one got vomited on.

Look, you say

that you can't live in my shadow.

I don't want that for either of us.

So let's spend some time together

as equals.

- I can tell you're not gonna drop this.

- No.

I'm like a man with a dog toy.

[whimsical music playing]

Okay, outdoors, physical labor,

not plummeting to the Earth,

this could work.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Oh, thank you for letting my son and I

come in today, Juan.

We want to spend time together as equals.

It's beautiful. And Ernesto's having

that huge thing taken off his neck today,

so I can use some help

installing sprinklers.

I have some experience with sprinklers.

I worked on a grounds crew.

You did?

This is working already.

Look at us learning about each other.

[in Spanish] Okay, boys.

The gringo and his son

are going to work with us today,

so that they can connect

and repair their strained relationship.

I'm glad they're putting in the work.

Father-son relationships

can be complicated.

[in English] All right.

Everybody [grunts]

let's get sprinkling.

Uh, hey, Bob the Builder, unless you're

attaching a toilet to those sprinklers,

you're not gonna need that wrench.

- [snorts]

- [laughing]

[chuckles] That's a good one.

You guys are gonna need hard hats

if he gets the urge to climb another tree.

[crew laughing]

It's fun. So fun.

But that's the last one of those, right?

[in Spanish]

My dad has the thin skin of a peach.

[laughing]

Is that about somebody else or still me?

No, it's about you.

- You wanted to see me?

- Malcolm, take a look at this.

For security reasons,

all executive offices have video cameras.

- Oh God, no.

- Don't worry. It's not about you.

That is unacceptable. Thank you

for bringing it to my attention.

Wait.

- What was she looking for?

- Her retainer?

That preposterous answer tells me

you know exactly what she was looking for.

Okay, I do know,

but I don't want to tell you.

- Good, we're making progress. Now tell me.

- Do you promise not to get mad?

- No.

- Fair enough.

I told Ruby and Luna

that you write office fan fiction.

Ruby's desperate to find it.

You told them about

my very private and personal fan fiction?

We were at that bar, dancing and drinking,

and everyone was telling funny stories.

And oh God, I'm so sorry.

Actually, I know what it's like

to want to fit in with the cool kids.

In primary school, my sister warned me

not to get "The Rachel" haircut.

But I didn't listen to her. I learned that

not every teenage face should be framed.

So I forgive you.

I don't believe you.

Just punish me already.

No. I have a better idea.

Ruby is not gonna stop looking

for that fan fiction till she finds it.

So I'm going to write

some new fan fiction just for her

and make sure she finds that instead.

That is so diabolical. I love it.

- And then later

- Yes?

I'm going to punish you

for telling them about it.

Oh.

Oh, there she is.

How'd it go with Brian last night?

He kept saying,

"You can't break up with me."

But I said, "Brian, this is happening.

So get your stuff and get out."

Good for you.

I'm kidding.

It was a four-hour conversation.

Then I held him

and helped move his PlayStation.

[door opens]

Guys, you're not gonna believe it.

I found Anna's fan fiction.

- Oh my God!

- [gasps] Gimme, gimme, gimme!

When I said, "Let's break

into Anna's office, find her fan fiction,"

you were all, "It's too scary. I'm getting

the vapors. Where's my fainting couch?"

Yeah, that's exactly how I talk.

Behold. Anna's innermost thoughts.

Yeah.

[Luna gasps]

Look, she made each of us an animal.

I'm an eagle.

[inhales] Eagles are cool.

Like the wolves of the sky.

Yeah, they soar above everyone

then swoop down and get sh*t done.

- [gasps] Malcolm, you're a leopard.

- I love leopards.

They're my favorite animal print.

Hey, I wonder what Anna made you, Ruby.

- Hmm.

- Maybe a tiger or a swan.

- I'm a cow.

- What?

She made me a cow.

Seriously, why would she see me as a cow?

Yeah. It's so different

from an eagle or a leopard.

Good morning.

- Good morning, Anna.

- Morning, Anna.

Ellis and Jackson are taking a few

hours off to work on their relationship

because apparently

that's how businesses are run.

We're still up against

a pretty tight deadline,

so Ellis wants you to keep working

on Luna's progress from yesterday.

Great. I can't wait to get going.

Let's spread our wings and work.

That's the spirit. The goal

is to produce a sample of concrete

from strontium chloride.

So stay focused and get moo-ving.

You heard that, right?

She said, "Moo-ving."

She said "moving." We've got a lot to do.

So let's forget the fan fiction

and get to work.

Definitely. I just need to read

every page of it first.

[whimsical music playing]

How great is this? Neither one of us

in a position of authority.

Just two friends working together.

So, buddy,

what did you get up to this weekend?

Uh, not much. Tried to get some reading in

by the pool,

but Leslie kept asking me,

"Now, what's going on?"

And it was a science journal, so

He requires a lot of attention.

He's like a rescue dog,

except if he falls asleep on you,

he's harder to move.

Okay, everybody good?

Ready for water test? Yes. Yes.

All right, muchachos,

let's light this baby up.

[crew laughing]

Oh my God,

it looks like my Dad's foot sprung a leak.

He needs his wrench.

[all laughing]

Uh, well,

you learn more from your mistakes.

Oh, well, you'll be a genius

by the end of the day then.

[crew laughing]

[chuckles] God, this is great.

Juan! It's not working out with Jackson.

I need to be reassigned.

[whimsical music playing]

Does Anna think I'm clumsy?

Is that why she made me a cow?

I bumped into her once in the elevator

but only because that weird guy

from Yellow Lab got on.

What are you staring at?

Is it my chewing? Do I chew like a cow?

You certainly avoid work like a cow.

So you do think I have bovine qualities?

What I think is we're under a deadline,

and I really need you to work

instead of standing around like

Like a what, Luna?

Say it. I wanna hear you say it.

Like a dirty heifer?

- Oh God.

- I'm sorry, your awesome eagle-ness.

Why'd Anna make you an eagle anyway?

No offense, but you're more like a mouse.

Hey. How's it going?

I'm working. To get you moving, you have

to stick an electric thingy up your butt.

They're called cattle prods,

and that's not even how they work.

- Oh, I guess you would know.

- Shut up. Stupid bird.

Go milk yourself.

[upbeat rhythmic music playing]

- Your plan worked. Too well.

- Excellent.

- Oh.

- They're at each other's throats.

- Excellent. Oh.

- They're not getting any work done.

Part of me thinks

that we should come clean and end it.

That part of you is wrong.

My fan fiction is like my diary,

and Ruby wants to steal it.

If she knows the one she has is fake,

she'll go back to looking for the real one

and no part of you is okay with that.

It is not.

We'll get Ruby and Luna back to work,

but we'll use more fan fiction to do it.

Perhaps I'll scare them

with a story about vegetables

who aren't working hard enough,

so they get chopped into a salad.

Or better, barbecued.

Watching you is like

taking a masterclass taught by Jafar.

Jeff R.? That lanky guy in Blue Lab

with the goatee who's always scheming?

No, but I'm realizing

Jeff R. is a lot like Jafar from Aladdin.

You're welcome.

I love sprinklers. I just think

that my talents are best used elsewhere.

We all know I'm the prince of pruning.

I think the real reason you want to prune

is because hedges don't use biting sarcasm

to embarrass you in front of the men.

God, you're good.

Okay, this is about Jackson teasing me.

I brought him here because I want us

to be friends. He's not doing it right.

- Friends don't make fun of each other.

- Actually, they do.

Look at Arturo and Jorge.

They've been messing with each other

for years.

Ever since Arturo discovered

Jorge waxes his chest.

[laughing]

Okay, maybe you,

Jorge, and Arturo are right.

If I wanna be friends with my son,

I need to take some ribbing.

And dish it out too. Right?

'Cause that's part of the fun.

I must caution you.

Insulting a man can be a delicate dance

on a slippery floor.

I'm good at a lot of things.

I think I got this.

Hey, Sleeping Beauty, break time's over.

At least I'm taller than you.

What does that have to do with anything?

Yeah, that wasn't a good one.

But I just need a little practice.

I learned French in a weekend. I got this.

[upbeat rhythmic music playing]

What is your problem?

I'm sorry. Does the sound

of me working disturb you?

Since you were busy not doing anything,

I mixed a test batch of concrete myself.

Good. Now you can go steal some food

from smaller birds.

You're not even reading the fan fiction.

Just looking up bad stuff about eagles.

Hey, ladies, found some more

of Anna's fanfic. Exciting stuff.

I can't read anymore.

I think I'm just gonna take a sick day.

You can't go home. There's too much to do.

[timer dings]

The concrete's ready.

- [both gag]

- Oh my God, that smell.

Yeah, it, uh,

might need some modifications.

It's goo. It smells like rotten eggs

poached in sewage.

[phone ringing]

It's Ellis.

Hey, boss. [scoffs]

It's all good over here.

Hey, I want to roast Jackson

and have everybody laugh at him,

then do that thing where they say

the last two words of my joke.

Are you sure? Messing with people

can have unintended consequences

that can disrupt the workplace.

I recently discovered.

He's been slamming me all day.

I need to have some fun with him.

Can I run some ideas by you?

What do you think about "turd bucket"?

Uh, it's a little generic.

Yeah, you're right. I wish he looked

a little more like a bucket.

What about something with "nozzle"?

"sh*t nozzle"?

"Hey, your nose looks like a sh*t nozzle."

I don't know what that means, sir.

Yeah, I know, it's unclear.

Maybe you shouldn't make fun of him.

The guy just moved across the country.

It's not working out with Ruby.

His mom just d*ed.

My wife just d*ed.

Didn't seem to stop him.

Listen, thanks.

This is This is some good ideas.

[phone beeps]

Hey, Dad, we're going to the backyard

to lay some gravel.

You wanna grab your gloves?

I didn't need gloves

when I was banging your mom.

[in Spanish] That was really harsh.

Why would a father say that?

- [in English] What's wrong with you?

- Oh, I see.

You can dish it out,

but you can't take it.

Hey, come on, we're ribbing each other!

They're not all gonna be home runs.

We're finding it.

Equals.

[whimsical music playing]

Don't tell Anna,

but I'll tell you the truth

because this thing is going off the rails,

and rails are good.

- They're how the trains know where to go.

- I'm sorry, the truth?

Anna knew you were snooping in her office,

so she wrote that whole thing

about you being a cow as payback.

- And to get you to focus on work.

- Oh my God. That's so diabolical.

I know. That's what sucked me in.

So you're saying I'm not the cow.

Am I the eagle?

No, no, no. Nobody's any kind of animal.

It's all fake.

I'm gonna tell you about

her real fan fiction,

and hopefully put an end to this.

Her real fan fiction?

Anna doesn't feel appreciated at work.

- Aw.

- Aw.

So in her real fan fiction,

she's adored.

[triumphant music playing]

- Your feet are magnificent.

- They can't compare to your hands.

Or your mind.

Or your boobs.

What's that glorious smell?

[knives clinking]

Shrimp, milady?

Don't mind if I do.

[applause]

Wow.

Go Anna. Build your fantasy.

Hmm. Although it's kind of heartbreaking

when you think about it.

Anna keeps this whole place going

and doesn't get any recognition.

[all] Aw.

Hey, guys.

Anything good happen in here today?

Because it turns out landscaping

is not the panacea you think it is.

Where's Jackson?

Don't worry,

I did not call him a turd bucket,

and somehow he still found a way

to be mad at me.

He stayed at landscaping.

Well, our day wasn't a winner either.

Opposite of a drumroll, please.

Perfect. Thank you.

Ew. [sniffs]

- Sweet Satan's diaper. What is that smell?

- It's the odor of us failing you.

We got a little distracted today

being jerks to each other.

I'm sorry about earlier.

Me too.

Well, you made progress.

And it was Sir Isaac Newton who said,

"Sometimes progress

can be smelly and gooey."

Surprised the stink didn't drive you

out of the lab.

Hmm.

[whimsical music playing]

I think I found a way to get Leslie

to leave without being mad at us.

Great. Then I just have to get rid

of one more person.

Are you still mad about the joke I made?

The one about banging my mom

without gloves? Vaguely.

I'm sorry I said it,

but your mom would've laughed.

Look, I just don't have a lot of

experience trading sh*ts with co-workers.

People don't do that with me.

I always thought

there was nothing to make fun of.

I thought of nine things

while you were saying that sentence.

But what's your plan for Leslie?

[upbeat instrumental music playing]

There's no way anybody

could live down here with this smell.

- What if he asks where it's coming from?

- Tell him we don't know.

Could be from one of those smelly demons

that get trapped in a wall.

[chuckles, imitates ghost]

Hey,

I'm sorry about today. [exhales]

I'm so used to seeing you

put on a pedestal

and respected, admired, revered even.

It was just nice to be your peer,

and I got carried away.

Ah, well,

maybe we're not meant to be friends.

I don't think we need to be.

I like having you as my dad.

And if this is about you thinking

we're growing apart,

we can just find stuff

we like doing together.

Yeah. Hey, it's summer.

We could break out the Slip 'N Slide.

This might be the fumes talking,

but I'm having fun right now.

[chuckles]

Hey, where's Leslie been this whole time?

I gave him my credit card

and told him he could buy a new tuxedo

for our next James Bond movie night.

- He went for that?

- It's a free tuxedo.

- Who doesn't want a free tuxedo?

- [Leslie] Here they are.

Hey, guys.

How do I look?

The name's Clevenger. Leslie Clevenger.

You're back early.

- And that tuxedo needs altering.

- Uh-huh.

I knew it. The guy at the store

said it was fine. I

What are you doing? [sniffing]

Are you rubbing stinky goo

all over my walls?

No! [chuckles]

- This guy.

- So paranoid. No, we smelled that odor

and so we got a sealant

to keep the stinky smell inside the wall.

- Yeah.

- He's right.

[Leslie] Mm-hm.

[sniffs]

This isn't odor sealant. This is odor.

You're trying to make my room smelly,

so I have to move.

That's why you dangled this sweet tux

in front of me.

You knew that no one could say no

to a free tuxedo.

Is the tux thing

a societal norm I'm unaware of?

I'm disappointed in you, Ellis.

I would expect this from Jackson.

He's an agent of chaos, but not you.

I don't like chaos.

I feel like you don't know me at all, man.

Put your foul goo away.

This room is already filled

with the stench of betrayal. I'm leaving.

Don't go away angry, Leslie.

It's too late. I'm going away.

And I'm angry.

And I get custody of the fort.

[instrumental music playing]

Oh, not the fort.

If I can get the revised cost analysis for

Green Lab by tomorrow, that'd be great.

Look at her wrapped in her armor,

not feeling appreciated.

Ruby, Luna, everything okay?

Yes, and we appreciate you for asking.

[Luna] We see how much

you care about everything here

and hope that you know that we know that

none of this'd be possible without you.

And so, in the spirit of your homeland,

we got you a tin of biscuits.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

Please tell Malcolm I'm going to k*ll him.

[ominous music playing]

This is Leslie Clevenger.

I've changed my mind. I'll talk to you

about being kidnapped by Ellis Dragon.

Excellent.

And I know there are

some other board members

who would also be interested

in hearing your story.

Good. People should know about this guy.

I think you're just the amm*nit*on

I've been looking for.

And perhaps you have just the guest room

I've been looking for.

[dueling music playing]

[closing theme playing]

[closing theme ends]