01x06 - Moby d*ck FICTION MEL

[bunniefuu]

Kumbe nezu, tohtineh.

What is going on?

Oh, you're acting weird. What happened?

No, no, no, no! Put those down.

We did not check these yet.

What has gotten into you?

Michaela Ramos, the Michaela Ramos!

She's going to be here today!

She has written three
bestselling series,

one of which is my favourite,

the Bloodiest Moon trilogy.

Five peasant girls
discover that every month,

power gushes from their...

Oh! I do not want to hear this.

... third eye. (CHUCKLING)

Their cervical eye, from
which knowledge flows,

along with the remnants
of their uterine lining.

La la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la.

You done?

- Menstruation.
- Ah.

Oh, she is such good medicine!

Okay.

That would explain the... the
gaggle of mini Jaqs at the door.

Or is the correct term
"a m*rder of Jaqs"?

(LAUGHING)

Stop doing that with your
face. You're creeping me out.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Jaq, do not bring those
she-devils in here.

JAQ: It's here. We've got it!

- (GIRLS SQUEALING)
- Do not summon them.

♪

(JAQ SQUEALING)

WENDY: I am so sorry. She's...

A fan. Don't worry
about it. I'm used to it.

I apologize, Madame...
Mrs... Madame Ramos.

(LAUGHING) You can
call me Michaela, dear.

You are a literary treasure,
and it is an honour to meet you.

- Aw.
- Would you consent to an embrace?

MICHAELA: Mm-hmm. Of course.

Big Library, check it
out. Jaq's embraces now.

HOWARD: Oh. Jaq, I
never got my welcome hug.

JAQ: Because you didn't
write "Crimson Triangle."

Oh. Oh, um, I'm Howard, by the way.

- Oh.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.

I got to say, introducing
a magical looking glass

that sees into people's dreams...

I am relying on you to
take care of Michaela.

- Can you handle it?
- Yeah, of course.

Okay, good, because
Michaela's foundation

has been known to give generous
donations to institutions.

- Oh, I know.
- Right?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm going to show her manager

that Jameson could really
use a hefty donation,

and you are going to
host Michaela, okay?

Right. Yeah. Oh. Okay. Um,
yes. Okay. It's all right.

I got you. Good.

MICHAELA: It's all part of the game.

Uh, Michaela, when will
your manager be joining us?

Jo will be here momentarily.

You have the library's
copies of "Witch Hunt," yes?

Oh, they've arrived from Midtown.

Uh, Bryce will put all that together.

- Oh, good.
- JAQ: And I'll show you to the reading area.

(MICHAELA LAUGHING)

- (BUZZING)
- Oh.

Looks like you're maxed
out of renewals on this one.

- Not possible.
- Yep. You've had your three.

Well, I need it again.

I'm only halfway through
my fourth reading of it.

(CHUCKLING) You've read it
three times. I think you're good.

I can't survive without this book.

It's literary oxygen!

Please, please!

I'll tell you what. I will
renew it one more time.

Thank you.

Well, congratulations.

You just created a repeat offender.

What are you talking about?
I know where to find her.

Here. Always. She's going
to be our boss one day.

Exactly. All the more
reason to strike her down now

before she becomes too powerful.

Bryce, look. Patrons
come in here all the time

looking for renewals, and when I comply,

they always return.

Um, uh, you've done this before?

Yeah, often. It's no big deal.

(SCOFFING) Not a
big... (GROANING LOUDLY)

- Look...
- (SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

You've never had to pay for your crimes.

When I worked the penitentiary library,

I made sure every book was returned,

even if I had to go to
their cell to get it.

Unless, of course,
it was Stranglin' Jim,

because he always
returned his stuff on time.

Nice guy, but you wouldn't
want to make him mad.

Otherwise, he would... whew...
get really passive aggressive.

Anyway, I digress. Hey, Greg!

- HOWARD: Oh.
- BRYCE: Greg. (CLEARING THROAT)

Yeah. Uh, Big Library here
has declared free reign

- on anything you see.
- No.

Just take it and bring it home forever.

- No. Bryce...
- Okay. Thanks.

Hey, don't you get it?
It's a slippery slope.

You let one book out,
and the rest will follow.

Next thing you know,
you've got an empty library.

- Okay. Or a library.
- Huh?

Uh, Greg, yeah. Uh, I
was... I was being sarcastic.

Wendy discussed this at
autism sensitivity training.

I don't get your sarcasm, Bryce.

WENDY: Ah, it's a lot of books.

(WENDY GRUNTING)

Huh. Not sure how many we'll need.

(CHUCKLING) We are honoured that
Michaela chose Jameson Library

to be on her book tour. The
Michaela Ramos Foundation...

She should be at that
Indigo in the Eaton Centre

with a proper stage,

but she chooses to be among her people.

Well, that we are. Her people.

Our little library could
use fresh coat of paint,

if only it were in the budget.

The puppy was fine, but I never went

- back to that park again.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

I can't believe I just told
you my first period story.

Ah, you'd be surprised.

If I had a nickel for every
period story I've heard.

Yeah. You know, when I
first started writing,

uh, all of my short
stories were about periods.

I called them the Moon Time Chronicles,

and you know, they weren't
as good as your stories,

mind you, but...

But they could be.

(GIGGLING, STAMMERING)

Someday.

Jaq, would you like an invite

to an author roundtable event?

Here. Add yourself to my friend list.

Okay.

I'll DM you about the roundtable.

- Okay.
- (CHIMING)

Oh. Huh.

I just got five new followers.

Oh. Looks like you've got
yourself some new fans.

(TEENS GIGGLING)

Bryce, no one is cheating the system.

Look it up. See how many
unreturned books are out there.

Look it up. Facts. Facts.

I don't know. All this
looks pretty normal

for a library our size.

Wait a minute.

This one's been out for over years.

- BOTH: "Moby d*ck."
- I've called this patron

every year since it went AWOL.

Number went dead a couple years ago.

We should remove it from the system.

- What? No!
- Or... or we could probably find

a new contact on them pretty quick.

Ugh. Privacy is dead. The
government needs to stay out...

- Found it.
- I'll call them now.

- Call them?
- Hearing the shame

in their voice is one
of the perks of the job.

Just when I thought you
were all out of red flags.

- WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello?
- Hello. This is Bryce deLaurel

from Jameson Library.
Is Christopher home?

- WOMAN ON PHONE: Hello?
- Hi. Yes.

This is Bryce deLaurel
from Jameson Library.

Christopher has a long-overdue book.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Oh, dear.

- Yeah. Oh, dear indeed.
- (PHONE HANGING UP)

Hell... hello? Uh...

JAQ: Ugh! No!

WOMAN: Okay. Stop making those
noises while I'm undressing!

I look like an Amazon delivery.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm
just... I'm distracted.

I keep bumping up against
stuff in this novel.

UNHOUSED WENDY: Don't waste your mind

on that YA garbage.

I don't know. I'm just
worried that this book

is sending the wrong message to teens.

You look like the CEO of shortbreads.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I do.
- Mm-hmm. So, you know,

ostracized teen. Great. Fun. Love it.

But Herbadette gets kicked out

for doing some pretty
horrible things, you know?

Uh, she... she's a magical bully.

Unless I'm reading too much

into her speech on virtue signalling.

It's just coming across
as, "No accountability

is a good thing," like
those... like those people

that rave against cancel
culture or whatever, you know?

But why would Michaela do that?

Did I read this wrong?

What did you say the occasion is?

UNHOUSED WENDY: I didn't.

Okay. This author hero of yours,

isn't she in the building right now?

Yeah. You're right. Yeah.
I'll just talk to her.

(CURTAIN OPENING)

That's the suit.

- How's desk duty today?
- Oh, riveting.

You'll never believe this.

Bryce contacted a patron
about an overdue library book.

Doesn't the system send out an
email for that kind of thing?

- BRYCE: The system?
- Ah.

I am the system, and
no, I don't do emails.

- Forgot my password.
- Where you going for lunch?

I am going to collect that
book and maybe some shame.

Thanks to you, I have the address,

- and it's not far.
- Bryce, this isn't prison.

- You're going to get arrested.
- How?

I'm reclaiming stolen
property for the city.

I'm basically the police.

The library police.

Library police. Don't get me started

why Bryce shouldn't
be policing anything.

(SIGHING) I better go after him.

You know, he thinks
he's the Batman of books,

but he's more like the
George Zimmerman of books.

(CHUCKLING)

Are you enjoying my novel?

Uh, uh, uh, yeah. Yeah.

Your writing style's impeccable.

Really angst-y. It's just, um...

I just feel like "Witch Hunt"

might come across as anti cancel culture

and receive some major blowback.

(LAUGHING)

Imagine that. Mm.

What?

- Hey! What do you got there?
- Michaela signed my copy.

Oh. Uh, you should know she's
not who I thought she was.

Oh, no. Is she another white lady

pretending to be not a white lady?

- No, but she...
- Oh, shh-shh-shh.

I don't want to hear
it. I am sick and tired

of the things that I love
being ruined because people

are awful. I'm going to go read my book

- that I already paid for.
- But she's...

Already... paid for.

- No receipt.
- (SIGHING)

Well, it just goes to show
you that this place really does

need to be entirely rewired,
but that would cost a fortune.

Fascinating.

UNHOUSED WENDY: Wendy!

Wendy, bestie!

Oh, that's Wendy. Yes!

Aren't you Wendy?

Oh, another Wendy.

Uh, she's a regular.

Like family, really.

Um, she's unhoused.

We have many programs for the unhoused

that are based on donations.

These programs are so essential.

- Yeah. Oh.
- I would love to ask Wendy

- about them.
- UNHOUSED WENDY: Wendy.

- Hey, Wendy.
- Oh.

UNHOUSED WENDY: Check this out.

WENDY: Oh, no.

I... I mean, uh,

oh, no, you didn't! (CHUCKLING)

Is that vintage Liz Claiborne?

UNHOUSED WENDY: It... it... Oh.

It's from the Suit of Happiness,

one of Jameson's most
successful programs,

and if we get any more clothing,

we're going to have to
donate the donations.

(JO LAUGHING)

Amazing. This place
is full of surprises.

Ah, yeah.

BRYCE: Is this lanyard
too heavy of a burden?

This laminated lanyard of Jameson?

When I was in prison, I
had a piece of masking tape

with "Librarian" written on it.

It was all I needed.

(CHUCKLING)

The sunshine on my
face used to soothe me.

(SIGHING)

But I know better now.

I am better now.

I am stronger now.

I am stronger. They all think I'm crazy.

I know Jaq does.

But I'm an ex-con. I
am craziness crazed.

They all thought I'd screw up.

But I'll come back and tell them all.

I shall rise from the
dead and show them all.

I will laugh at you all,

you hippies,

you witches,

you emos,

you Ikea shoppers.

(LAUGHING)

The convict... will convict.

I'm sorry. What?

RECORDED VOICE:
Next stop, Niagara Street.

(BEEPING)

Hey, are we DFFs today?

What?

Desk friends forever. Today!

I just need more markers, Tanya.

Can I check this out, please?

Oh, no, no. You don't want that book.

- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't. It'll rot your brain.

It's my brain!

I'll tell your mom you were in
the Boys' Love section again.

(KNOCKING)

How you doing, ma'am? Bryce
deLaurel from Jameson PL.

We're looking for Christopher.

Is Christopher home?

Reading, perhaps?

MAGDA: Christopher? I'm sorry, dear,

but my beloved husband d*ed years ago.

Really? (GRUNTING)

Bryce! Bryce, Bryce, Bryce! Ah.

I am so sorry, ma'am.
We'll only be a few moments.

We're just following up
on an overdue library book.

Oh, goodness! Well,
I'll... I'll take a look.

Might as well come in
and join your friend.

Thank you so much. Uh, open or
closed? Actually, you know what?

I saw some bugs out
there. Let's trap them out.

MAGDA: Should I put on some tea?

No, thank you, Magda!

Camomile!

Four sugars and a skosh of milk!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

It's clean,

almost too clean.

Somebody got to her.

HOWARD: Would you stop touching things?

Bryce! Okay. You are
acting like a psychopath!

You are forcing a widow to search

for her dead husband's library book.

Overdue library book!

And I didn't ask you to come.

Why don't you pop your earbuds back in

and pretend like I
don't exist some more?

Okay. You have some explaining to do.

This is ridiculous, even for you.

What is your deal?

(GROANING)

This was the first book I lent out,

on my first shift at Jameson,

my first job after prison.

The first thing I did,

and I already fudged up.

It's haunted me since.

And I cannot let it go.

(BRYCE GROANING)

"Moby d*ck" has become my white whale.

Well, call me Ishmael.

(TEARFULLY) Is that your Muslim name?

- (CAT MEOWING)
- (HOWARD SIGHING)

MICHAELA: (OVER SPEAKER)
The growls of the mob grew louder.

Werewolves, the same fools

Herbadette took pity on.

They filled their simple
minds with the vengeance

of the impoverished,
brainwashed, and dumb.

They're not dumb.

AUDIENCE: Oh.

Werewolves are fictional, Jaq.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Herbadette was shunned for a reason.

She took power over Wolfeshire

by gaining their trust
and then betraying them.

She's a villain.

Gasp!

Do you know who this
young lady sounds like?

Bronywyn. Right?

Hmm? (LAUGHING)

She pretended to be an ally
to get close to Herbadette,

only to... Mm.

Well, I don't want to spoil
it for the rest of you,

but things do not end well for Bronywyn.

- WOMAN: Uh-uh.
- Or her followers.

(GASPING) Speaking of following,

I need to update my follow list.

- Hmm?
- WOMAN: (WHISPERING) She's updating

- her follow list.
- (CHIMING)

No. Tanya, seriously?

Sorry, desk-y.

MICHAELA: Shall we continue? (LAUGHING)

"Frankincense." Have you
read Karen Munkton before?

I have, and I'd like
to read her new book.

Is that okay with you, Library Overlord?

Uh, Jasmine, are you unhappy
with your visit today?

Did you find that a lot
of the books you want

are not available because
our humble little library

doesn't have the resources

afforded to some of the
more affluent branches?

JASMINE: What? No! I
found what I wanted,

multiple copies,

but what's the use of
having so many books

if I'm not allowed to read them?

(LAUGHING) Jasmine. She's the best.

- She's so passionate!
- She seems lovely.

Wendy, the trolley of Ramos
library books is missing.

Considering one of your staff

had an outburst at the reading,

I thought you might
like to look into it.

Outburst? Oh, labradoodle.

I will get on it!

- Court?
- Nope.

- Parole officer?
- Nope.

Are you going to Harvard
to spite your boyfriend

who dumped you and then
realized you never, ever needed

his validation?

- Aha!
- Whoa.

- Bingo!
- That'll do.

That will do.

What are you doing with the cart
full of Michaela Ramos books?

These books are going to be
purified in fire and flame!

(GASPING)

Whoo! Bonfire! Yeah!

Jaq, we don't burn
books! We're librarians!

I thought I'd have to have
this talk with Bryce someday,

- but you?
- I'm not letting this woman

poison the minds of all these kids.

I've been there. It's not easy

to separate the book from the author,

and maybe this new novel
isn't what you want,

but put some faith in the readers,

because trust me,

premeditated arson is never the answer.

Fine. Okay. Fine. I'll put them back,

but they're... they're going to smell

- like citrus forest.
- Ooh!

Where.. is... the... book, Christopher?

That's a lovely vase, isn't it?

- It is.
- MAGDA: Found it on clearance

at the Pottery Sense. I'm
good at finding treasures,

but unfortunately, I can't find yours.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (BRYCE GRUNTING)

(WHISPERING) She's a lying snake.

MAGDA: Hello?

Hello?

Oh, dear.

I can't hear much on that thing anymore.

I should stop answering,

but I don't want people
to think I'm dead.

(SNORTING) Well, you know
what? We certainly appreciate

your efforts in finding
the novel, but clearly,

we've taken too much of your time.

Can you check again?

MAGDA: I've checked the bedside table.

That's where Chrissy kept
all his favourite books.

Well, maybe I can check.

You know, young eyes.

HOWARD: Oh, my God. Okay.
Uh, Bryce, you know what?

Enough. Um, I'm so sorry.

We are leaving. We're leaving!

Well, she's still on the hook
for the replacement charge!

Why don't I cover the
replacement charge?

- It's the least I can do.
- Oh, that's so kind of you!

I've lost plenty of Chrissy's
things over the years.

I used to get so upset.

I put importance on the object
rather than their meaning...

the memory. That's what you cherish.

Obsessing over the object
only doubled my loss.

Here. All of you, you're
so pretty! (LAUGHING)

Can I talk to you alone for a minute?

Certainly.

I'm sorry for interrupting your reading.

It was inappropriate.

Apology accepted.

But I stand by what I said.

I think the public can
demand accountability,

and I think that
boycotting and ostracizing

is an acceptable last-ditch
effort for change.

One wrong move, and we lose
a vital difference of opinion?

It's modern-day bullying, Jaq!

Oh, you and your fans cancelled me!

Oh, I simply unfollowed you.

No. It's a personal choice,

but perhaps your haters will reconsider

if they read "Witch Hunt."

Well, I can see that the ink
has literally dried on this one.

It has.

I'll be writing a scathing review.

And I believe in free speech.

(CAMERA SNAPPING)

WENDY: Well, we didn't
get a financial donation

from the Michaela Ramos Foundation,

but she did leave us
a crate of Bloodliners.

Are those the "Bloodiest
Moon" branded pads?

- Yep.
- Oh.

Jo thinks our branch is in great shape.

That's good, no?

Yes? Maybe.

No. Yes, it is.

- Hmm.
- (BEEPING)

I'm surprised you're not taking out

Michaela Ramos's new novel.

Why would I take out
that problematic garbage?

- Thanks.
- Ah, you're welcome.

- Ew. Bryce.
- What?

What is that?

Oh. Patton Jefferson
just posted a review.

Sounds like summer's hot read.

Ladies, gentlemen,
gay-dees and gentle-thems...

- Okay. I'm leaving.
- Hey.

We are gathered here
to witness the passing

of an overdue library book.

Now, a moment of silence as
Bryce indicates in the system

that "Moby d*ck" has
gone from overdue to lost.

BRYCE: Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Okay. That was dumb.

MAN: You happy now?