and nothing like this had
ever happened in Riverdale.
One of our own, Ethel Muggs,
had stumbled into the sock hop,
covered in, we would soon
find out, her parents' blood.
Both were dead, stabbed multiple times.
[DOOR OPENS]
[ALICE] Oh...
What did Ethel say?
Did she see the k*ller?
Well, your friend's keeping mum,
but she claims that the
milkman k*lled her parents.
Willie?
He's years old. [SCOFFS]
He is.
Well, are you going to
bring him in for questioning?
It's late and Willie could use his rest,
so we'll, uh... We'll
talk to him tomorrow
after he's done his morning deliveries.
It's tragic, yes.
But why bring her here, Alice?
She has nowhere else to go, Hal.
Her parents are dead.
It's the least we can do
for her, don't you think?
Think how this will affect Betty.
That's all I ever think about,
is the well-being of this family.
Which is more than I can say for you.
[SIGHS]
We're gonna make up my
sister's old room for you.
Here are some fresh towels.
If you need anything at any
point, just come find me.
Okay?
I don't know what else
they want me to say.
[SNIFFLES]
It's... It's almost like
they think that maybe I...
Ethel, is there anyone who saw you
before you went back to your house?
Anyone who could be an alibi?
No.
No, I was alone.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
Please try to rest, okay?
We're here for you.
Whatever you need.
[JUGHEAD] But Betty's entreaties
did little to comfort Ethel,
who didn't say another word that night.
Which only added to the mystery.
Is Ethel hiding something?
And why did her milkman
story sound so familiar to me?
♪ Listen to the winds from
the desert's Burning waste ♪
♪ Hear the words in a fire
when it crackles to you ♪
♪ The devil is a woman ♪
♪ A red-headed woman ♪
♪ A fiery headed woman ♪
♪ Taboo ♪
It is high time that you got
yourself a boyfriend, Cheryl.
Mother, I don't have time for boys.
- I'm far too busy.
- Doing what?
- Painting naked ladies?
- Mother!
What nerve? That's
homework for art class!
You could help, you know?
Isn't there some nice, normal
boy you could introduce her to?
I'm just worried she's, uh...
developing unnatural
proclivities, shall we say?
What are you talking about, Mom?
Find your sister a
suitable match, immediately.
Do I make myself clear?
That was quite the
scene at the sock hop.
Do you know that poor girl?
Not really.
I mean, she's Ethel. She kind of...
She kind of keeps to herself.
Well, not to pivot gracelessly, but...
Listen, Archie, I'm really sorry
we got off on the wrong foot.
Could we maybe try again?
I... I really appreciate the apology.
Look, the truth is, Veronica,
I just... I don't think
we're a good match.
I mean, you're too much of
a handful for a guy like me.
[SIGHS]
What happened to the
Muggs family is a tragedy.
It's all the children are talking about.
The parents are calling.
Asking how we plan to
address this situation.
Well, I believe the most prudent
course of action is to simply carry on
with the week's
preapproved lesson plans.
Yes!
What's on the docket
this week, Ms. Bell?
Well, in fact, the juniors are scheduled
to have their PTA-approved
sexual education lecture.
But we could postpone it.
On the contrary, I will
give the lecture myself.
Splendid idea, Dr. Werthers.
Business as usual.
That's the ticket.
Tough luck about Veronica, chum.
I guess it wasn't in
the cards for you two.
Yeah, I guess not.
It's probably for the best.
I mean, girls like
Veronica run hot and cold
and it takes a certain kind of
man to ride that roller-coaster.
- A man like you, I'm guessing?
- Pretty much.
But if you're hankering
for a steady girlfriend,
Cheryl's available.
Cheryl?
Thanks, but no thanks.
Why not?
You don't think my sister is a honey?
[SCOFFS] No, I mean,
come on, Chery's gorgeous.
- But...
- But what?
Well, she's always seemed
a little standoffish to me.
I mean, I've never seen her with
a steady boyfriend or anything.
She's had boyfriends.
College guys, mostly.
You know what they say about
girls who like older men, right?
No, what...
What do they say?
They're a lot more...
open-minded than most high school girls
if you catch my drift.
You take Cheryl out,
you're made in the shade, daddio.
Something tells me she'd...
really go for a stud like you.
[CHUCKLES]
Think about it at least.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Blossom, wait up.
What is it, Serpentina?
I'm putting on a little performance
at the Dark Room tonight.
And I have a feeling it
might razz your berries.
Kindly mark me down as a
definitive, "No, thank you."
Ta-ta.
[LIZZO CHUCKLES]
Think same old Topaz
always going after the
straight-laced square girls.
You know there's no future
there for you, right?
I'm not so sure about that, Lizzo.
What's your problem, Topaz?
Am I too much woman for you?
My problem with you
is that you're a high school
dropout and you're too territorial.
But I'll see you at the Dark Room.
And what makes you think I'm going?
Get over yourself, Lizzo.
I know you wouldn't miss it.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[EXHALES]
Kevin, you okay?
You seem a little froggy.
You know, jumpy, kind of
like you're avoiding someone.
No, uh... I just... I had too
much Highpoint this morning.
It's okay, Kevin.
What are you doing tonight?
Do you want to come to an
open mic at the Dark Room?
A bunch of us hepcats are performing.
Um...
The Dark Room,
isn't that the beatnik hangout?
It's a coffeehouse, Kevin.
Do you have plans or not?
I was going to maybe see The
Seven Year Itchwith Betty.
But she might like
going to the Dark Room.
She won't regret it.
And...
neither will you.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
♪ I wish I didn't love you so ♪
[DOOR OPENS]
Cheryl, I've been looking for you.
Cool painting.
Why, pray tell, have you
been searching for moi?
Um...
What are you... What
are you doing tonight?
I was wondering if you wanted to go see
The Seven Year Itch with
me at the Babylonium?
I have already seen it and
found it egregiously overrated.
Oh, okay. Well...
However, there is an event
at the Dark Room tonight.
Some sort of poetry reading.
I wasn't going to attend in fear
of being slimed by a greaser.
But with the proper
escort, I might relent.
- Poetry reading?
- Hmm.
Well, I've actually just
started writing poetry myself.
How peachy keen for you.
Pick me up at
Hey, doll face.
Wanna go to the Babylonium tonight?
The Seven Year Itch is playing.
Drop dead, Julian.
You know, if you're still
pining after Andrews,
don't hold your breath.
Word on the street is
he's going to something
at the beatnik bar tonight with Cheryl.
I want to go. To the Dark Room.
I didn't know you were into
the whole beatnik scene.
Oh, I'm into a lot of scenes, Julian.
Pick me up at :.
[SHERIFF KELLER] Sorry to
bother you, there, Willie,
but we got to follow every
lead, even the crazy ones.
Let me walk you out.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Ethel...
What happened?
It wasn't the milkman.
Or at least not that milkman.
So it was another milkman?
Or someone dressed
like one, I don't know.
Jughead...
I'm really, really scared.
What if Sheriff Keller
starts to think that I did it?
Why would he do that?
You know those pretend
covers I'm always drawing?
Yeah. They're super boss.
Do you remember my meat grinder cover?
Yeah?
Oh...
Oh, God, Ethel.
[JUGHEAD] Ethel's
drawing depicted a girl
who happened to look like Ethel,
shoving dismembered body parts
that happened to look like
they belong to her parents
into a meat grinder.
It was a goof, Jughead.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
I was just mad at my parents for
not letting me go see The Tingler.
And now I'm afraid that
Sheriff Keller is gonna...
misinterpret it.
- Where's the drawing?
- In my hope chest.
I would get them myself,
but I just... I don't think I can
face going back into that house.
Not so soon.
Okay. It's fine.
I'm gonna get it. I'm gonna go tonight.
Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS]
Excuse me, young lady.
Where do you think you're going?
Kevin and I are going
to a poetry reading.
Not before you march
over to Ethel's house
and bring that girl back
another change of clothes or two.
Chop-chop.
Oh, thank God.
[DOOR OPENS]
The cops!
[JUGHEAD] Here is why Ethel's
milkman story sounded so familiar.
It reminded me of a comic
book Pep had published.
One of their most infamous issues,
about a lunatic who escapes
from an insane asylum,
dresses up as the town milkman
and starts murdering people.
Ethel and I had both read it.
Then again, everyone had.
I'm sure it was a
coincidence. It had to be.
But it wouldn't look good for Ethel
to be caught with it, no matter what.
And to the republic that falls short.
One nation under siege, indefensible.
With liberty and justice for none.
All are b*at. All are b*at.
Gratitude.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Keen, but what does it mean?
It's art, Betty. It doesn't
need to mean anything.
I mean, it didn't even rhyme, really.
- Poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
- Here.
This might help make the
evening more tolerable.
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING
WITH BONGOS AND FLUTE]
Immortal Aphrodite
on your shimmering throne.
Daughter of Zeus, weaver of wiles,
I pray thee.
Crush not my spirit nor my soul
with anguish and distress.
Oh, queen.
Come release me from cruel cares.
Let my heart accomplish
all that it desires.
Mine, as I am yours.
Take me.
Take me.
Take me.
Take me.
[MOANS]
[ALL APPLAUDING AND SNAPPING]
[ALL CHEERING]
I want to leave.
- What?
- Take me home, now.
Well, good night, Cheryl.
I had a real nice time.
♪ Everywhere I go ♪
♪ I hear your name ♪
I wasn't expecting that.
Walk me to school tomorrow.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
It's a date.
Toodles.
Toodles.
♪ Hiding my tears ♪
♪ With a smile ♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SENSUAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
[KEVIN] Oh, my golly.
Who knew the Dark Room
was gonna be such a gas?
Isn't Clay just an astonishing writer?
I can't stop thinking about his poem.
I'm still reeling
from Toni's dance poem.
It was pretty sexy, don't you think?
[CHUCKLES] I suppose.
You suppose?
Kevin, it was jaw-dropping.
♪ Blow me a kiss ♪
♪ From across the room ♪
♪ Say I look nice ♪
♪ When I'm not ♪
♪ Touch my hair ♪
♪ As you pass my chair ♪
♪ Little things ♪
♪ Little things mean a lot ♪
As I'm sure you're aware,
based on your eager,
sweaty faces,
today's lesson will be focusing
on the fundamentals of...
sexual reproduction.
Your bodies are changing right now.
it can be a confusing time.
You have many questions, no doubt.
But first, first,
let's begin with a very useful diagram.
Much can be gleaned from
the typical American flower,
whose sole function,
with its colorful petals
and its pleasing contour, is
pollination or reproduction.
I'm so confused.
What do flowers and
bees have to do with us?
Nothing. I don't know
what that speech was about.
But recently I got my hands on a copy
of Kingsley's Guide to Human Sexuality.
That's got the real skinny.
This is ridiculous.
If you fuddy duddies truly
want to learn about S-E-X,
we have to stop talking
about it and start doing it.
I'm going to host a make-out
party and you're all coming.
Thanks, but no thanks.
I'm a germaphobe.
Is that like an orgy?
No, it's kissing games.
Spin the Bottle, Post Office,
Seven Minutes in Heaven, Pony Ride.
And trust me,
nothing is ever gonna be the same again.
[JUGHEAD] In that moment,
before our very eyes,
Veronica Lodge became
a Georgia O'Keeffe lotus
and Archie Andrews a hapless bumblebee.
Gosh, a real-life make-out party.
I'll have to check my book to see
what Dr. Kingsley says about them.
[VERONICA] Between you and
me, it all boils down to this.
Boys think they're in charge,
but it's all about our
pleasure, not theirs.
Well, right now, I don't
think either me or Kevin
are experiencing much pleasure.
Hmm.
The more direct you can be
with your beau, the better.
I botched it playing coy with Archie.
But I'll make my desires crystal
clear to him at the party.
[SCOFFS]
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[TONI] Hey, Blossom.
You didn't stick around after
my performance last night.
Did you dig it?
It was a little... avant-garde
for my sensibilities.
Archie thought the same.
You have heard we're
going steady, have you not?
Yeah. We've all seen
you parade him around
like he's some kind of prize stud.
You know, you don't have
to go to some make-out party
to pretend to be somebody you're not.
Why exactly does everyone
presume to know my personal life?
You're worse than my hobgoblin
mother, and that's saying a lot.
Kev, can we talk for a sec?
It's about the make-out party.
Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking,
why don't we ditch that?
No. We're going.
It's happening tonight,
Kevin, you and me.
Because you say that you love me
and now it's time that you proved it.
[DOOR CLOSES]
We'll cut right to the chase, Jughead.
Did you break into Ethel
Muggs' house yesterday?
Uh, I'm pretty sure
that I was just at home
writing and eating hamburgers.
Because there's a neighbor there
that reported someone
matching your description.
Teenager wearing a
crown exiting a window.
Well, that wasn't me.
- Hmm.
- You are a...
Well, you're a bit of an odd duck,
aren't you, Mr. Jones?
A loner.
Like Miss Muggs.
Is she your girlfriend?
She's just a friend.
Are you protecting her now?
Maybe you helped her
do something bad and...
now you have to protect yourself, too.
I wasn't at Ethel
Muggs' house last night,
and I'm not her boyfriend
or an odd duck loner,
whatever that means.
In fact, I'm going to a party tonight.
- With all the cool kids.
- [DR. WERTHERS SCOFFS]
- Really?
- And... And for the record,
the Ethel that I know
would not k*ll her parents.
You're barking up the wrong tree.
Now can I go, please?
Yeah.
You're free to go.
Oh, enjoy your party tonight.
Oh, uh, hey, Clay. Um...
Thought I missed the locker-room rush.
What can I say?
I love a long, lingering shower.
[SPUTTERS] Um... Are you
going to that make-out party?
I don't think so.
Why not?
Because...
I like boys, Kevin.
And I don't think it's
that kind of party.
Uh, that... That makes sense.
Obviously, most people
don't know that about me.
I hope I can trust you to be discreet.
Of course, Clay.
Uh, I gotta go. Um...
- Gotta get ready.
- All right.
- [ARCHIE] Hey, Betty.
- [BETTY] Hmm?
You know that, um...
sex book you mentioned?
I was wondering if I
could have a little read.
Um... [CHUCKLES]
Just so I can brush up
before the make-out party.
Of course.
What do you think of Dr. Kingsley?
I mean, I think... I think I get it.
I just...
But how does it all start?
That's the easy part.
Okay, so say you're sitting side-by-side
next to Cheryl like this.
Maybe some music starts playing.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Now you might want to
say something like...
"Cheryl, would you like to
get a bit more comfortable?"
[CLEARS THROAT]
Say, would you like to
get a bit more comfortable?
Why, yes, I would.
Then...
she might...
do this.
Oh.
And then what?
And then...
Oh!
- I'm sorry, Betty.
- What? No. It's okay.
I'm sorry.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
[ROCK 'N' ROLL
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Now, before we break off
and retreat into the
Pembrooke's various dark corners,
I thought we could warm up
with a perfectly innocent
round of Post Office.
Now, boys, each of you
is holding an envelope
containing a number which
corresponds to one of us girls.
You must deliver your
envelope to that girl
along with a kiss.
Fangs, would you like to get us started?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Reveal your number and the girl you'll be kissing.
[EXHALES] Okay.
Number two.
[GROANS] That's me.
I bet you've never
kissed a greaser before.
I don't even eat French fries.
But rules are rules.
Forgive me, Midge.
Don't worry, square.
I brushed my teeth earlier this week.
- Ugh!
- Oh!
Whoa! Was that cheating?
It's skirting the edge,
but hopefully Kevin will
give us what we all want.
Which is a real kiss.
Kevin?
Uh, number three.
I'm three.
Hold your head still.
All right, let's just
get this over with.
[SIGHS]
One.
That's me.
This oughta be good.
Nice to meet you, by the way.
Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Thank you.
Five.
Wow. [CHUCKLES] That's me.
How did that happen?
Excuse me, brother.
I guess this is what's
known as a date with destiny.
She's gonna suffocate him.
But what a way to go.
I think I got your gum.
You can keep it.
It's Triple Bubble.
Guess that leaves me and the Wild One.
Luckily, I've had all my sh*ts.
Yeah. That's not a kiss, preppie.
This is a kiss.
Okay.
Now that all of our lips
are appropriately lubricated,
we pair off.
I, for instance, might sneak off with...
Come along, Archie.
Let's find a private space
away from prying eyes.
What do you say?
Shall we go to your room?
Actually...
You.
[JUGHEAD] Me?
You just hit the
jackpot, Holden Caulfield.
I guess that leaves the two of you.
We could finish what you started.
In your dreams, prepster.
I will, however, let you drive me home
in that sweet ride of yours.
♪ Milkman, keep those bottles quiet ♪
♪ Can't use that jive on my milk diet ♪
Don't, Hal.
I've already called Social Services
and she's going back to school tomorrow.
[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you, Alice.
Of course, dear.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Look, I don't know what it is
that you plan on doing to me,
but I should probably let you know
the only reason I'm here
is because I don't want
people thinking I'm a miscreant
that helped Ethel m*rder her parents.
Funny.
Sounds exactly like something
a miscreant m*rder*r would say.
Relax.
I just needed a warm body to help
me get away from Julian Blossom.
That guy's an octopus.
Well, glad I could help.
By the way, what was with that
Holden Caulfield reference?
Well, isn't that your thing?
"Everybody's phony except me."
No, I just meant that not
everyone in Riverdale goes around
name dropping literary anti-heroes.
People do read in Los Angeles, you know.
So what's your dealio?
If you're not dating Ethel
Muggs, then who are you dating?
Uh...
Who has time for dating?
What with all these comics
to read and burgers to eat
and monster movies to watch?
I like monster movies.
The scarier the better.
Mm.
I'll tell you my favorite
if you tell me yours.
Ladies first.
Creature from the Black Lagoon.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- That's actually my favorite, too. I love it.
- Really?
You know, you kind of remind me of
the girl in the white bathing suit.
- Julie Adams? I get that a lot.
- Mm-hmm.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]
You're not excited.
Of course I am.
No, you're not, Kev.
I can tell that you're not excited.
You're not... aroused.
Maybe if we just... If we
just keep kissing, you know?
You can move your right hand
a little higher if you want.
Oh, not that high, Archie.
As my nana likes to say,
"Let's leave room for the Holy Spirit."
Okay?
- Archie, your right hand again.
- Oh.
I'm sorry if I'm screwing this up.
I just... I'm excited.
And a little nervous maybe because...
you're so experienced.
You know, you're used to
going out with college guys.
Who told you that?
Julian.
Why were you and
Julian talking about me?
Well,
I mean, he suggested that I ask you out.
Yeah, he said we might hit it off.
Archie, I'm going to be honest with you.
I've never been with a college guy.
I've actually never
really been with any guy.
But...
I'm quite certain we can figure it out.
Together.
Definitely.
[BETTY] Dear Diary.
The make-out party was
unsurprisingly a disaster.
I want Kevin to want me.
I want to feel desired.
I want to feel sexy.
I want...
[BLUES SONG PLAYING]
♪ I'm gonna hoo-doo you, baby ♪
♪ And set your soul on fire ♪
I'm not sure how much more of this
I can take before I explode, Diary.
Something has to change.
- And soon.
- ♪ Yes, I'm gonna make you mine ♪
My dear boy,
any updates on our little project?
We're made in the shade, Mother.
Got Cheryl together with Archie
and I'm fairly certain
they're going steady now.
Very good, Julian.
Well done.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Good morning, Mother.
- Julian.
- Cheryl Marjorie Blossom.
What is that lesion on your neck?
It's a hickey, Mother.
And I suppose you both should
know Archie pinned me last night.
[COUGHS]
And I mean, really pinned me.
As in, all the way pinned me.
Barf.
[HORN HONKING]
That must be Archie.
He's driving me to school.
I'd say he's a true gentleman, but...
the truth is, Archie is a total animal.
Toodles.
Kevin, I have something for you.
What is it?
Kingsley's Guide to Human Sexuality.
Betty, we're at school.
You need to read it.
Think of this as your own
personal sex education, Kevin.
Finals are coming up and
it's time to start cramming.
Betty. Betty!
Hey.
I just wanted to say
fun party last night.
Sorry I had to cut out early.
But, you know, I'm
playing the long game.
Really, with who?
I'd rather not say... yet.
But how did it go with Bazooka Jones?
Well, if you really must know,
Jughead and I spent the
entire night together.
Talking.
Holy hell.
Are you making a play for
that crown-wearing clown?
Let's just say I'm not ruling it out.
- [GIRL ] Oh, my God.
- [BOY] It's her.
- [GIRL ] There she is.
- [GIRL ] The girl who k*lled her parents.
[GIRL ] What is she doing here?
Everyone's looking at
me like I'm a m*rder*r.
Hey, this is all going to blow over.
As soon as the actual
k*ller is caught, okay?
Right now, just take it nice and slow.
[MS. BELL OVER PA] Attention, students.
Will Ethel Muggs and Jughead Jones
please come to the principal's office?
Ethel Muggs and Jughead Jones,
please report to the principal's office.
Let me guess.
You'd like to know who was
canoodling at the make-out party?
We searched your train car, Jughead,
right after you left
for school this morning.
- Wha... Why?
- [SHERIFF KELLER] In any case,
we found some pretty damning evidence
stuffed underneath your mattress.
Care to explain, Miss Muggs?
Mr. Jones?