21x17 - A Bottle Episode

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

We got the house, guys!

Your iPad flashlight is on.

God, she's old.

What house, Mom?

The Airbnb in Nantucket

we wanted for the Fourth of July.

There was a cancellation,
so I swooped right in

and scooped it up.
The Pelican strikes again.

- "The Pelican"?
- Yeah. Some people call me that

'cause I swoop and scoop.

- Who calls you that?
- Some people.

- Who?
- It's really catching on.

From who?

Look, everybody just pack your bags

because we leave tomorrow.

I thought you said July th?
It's October.

Yeah, but we always
celebrate our holidays

off-peak to save money.

I don't know, this feels forced.

Oh, come on,
you kids are all getting older.

We are running out of time to do
stuff together as a family.

Plus this is our first Airbnb.

That's a huge mom milestone.

You know, I heard that every
time someone says "Airbnb,"

a white woman can hear it
from five miles away.

Mm, sounds like
the Pelican got her Airbnb.

Who?!

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I've never been to Nantucket.

It's pretty nice.

Yeah, I like that everyone arriving gets

a personal serenade from James Taylor.

(TO TUNE OF "FIRE AND RAIN"): ♪ Oh,
I've seen Chris and I've seen Meg ♪

♪ I've seen burger wrappers ♪

♪ Crumpled by their legs. ♪

You know, I heard his backstage rider

is just a single carton of oat milk.

This place is pretty tight, Mom.

I know. Look at the sign in the kitchen.

"But first, coffee."

(LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah, that first!

- That makes no sense.
- In what way?

We don't know what the choices are,

so how can we definitively say,
"But first, coffee"?

But that's the point. It doesn't matter.

Whatever it is, "First, coffee."

Hey, what if our kid's having
a heart att*ck, God forbid?

- Oh, well, I...
- Still "But first, coffee"?

- Well, I don't think...
- What if a / hops

through the window with a dynamite vest?

Are we free to scatter?

Or must we face the blast, mug in hand?

I just thought it was a fun sign is all.

Oh, look at them.

When was the last time you saw the kids

play together like this, huh?

No clue, I do most of my
parenting with my eyes closed.

You know, it's this house.

Sometimes all a family needs

is a change of scenery
to strengthen their bond.

- Yeah, that or a threesome, yeah.
- Oh. (SCOFFS)

You can't even make it through
a twosome or a one some.

You are very close to being
a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy.

My cardiologist said the same thing.

♪ ♪

Okay, guys, everyone pick out

one souvenir from the trip.

- Is a seagull a...?
- A seagull is not a souvenir.

- What about...?
- No birds!

The stores here in
the off-season are kind of sad.

Most of them are empty.

Yeah, but I do like that James
Taylor sings a personal serenade

every time one closes for the season.

♪ A sign goes up as the sun goes down ♪

♪ Another year in the books ♪

♪ She put the fun in funnel cakes ♪

♪ Or at least that's
what I see on that board. ♪

Ah, sweet edgeless rock and roll.

You could shave a baby's head with it.

Brian, what is that?

That's saltwater taffy.

What, have you never tried it before?

I have four teeth.

If it's not applesauce, I'm unfamiliar.

Taffy is, like,
the official candy of vacations.

They have free samples.
We should take some.

Yes, free samples is my favorite way

to slowly sink a business.

Wow. This is incredible.

It tastes like a memory
of a life well-lived.

Mmm, yeah, that and,
like, a little bit of mint.

You know, it's the end of the season,

so all that taffy is on sale.

If we buy it in bulk
and bring it back to Quahog,

we'd make a k*lling.

That's a great idea.

We are gonna make more money

than Cryptocurrency Carl.

I'll take it under one condition.

You make everything matte black.

- Okay.
- Matte black the world, baby.

Now let me just check my portfolio.

Yes! No. Yes!

No. Yes! No!

Oh, I feel so recharged after that trip.

A total recharge weekend.

Don't you feel recharged, Peter?

If by "recharged"
you mean the slight change

of routine short-circuited my colon

so I can only poop
at : a. m., then yes.

I feel extremely recharged.

You know what? We had such a great time,

I-I'm just gonna book
another visit to that house.

Huh, that's weird.

I-I can't book it.

What the hell?

The owner of the house gave us
a zero-star review.

She-she said we stole something.

I'm banned from Airbnb?

- Ooh. Tough break for the Pelican.
- Who?!

Okay, which one of you little rats

stole something from that house?

And don't lie to me. I'm your mother.

I can feel your lies in my ovaries.

The doctor said those were cysts.

From your lies!

They're not gonna talk, Lois.

I say we hook 'em up
to the lie detector.

Peter, that's not a lie detector.

That's a ride-on sex machine.

It is? Well, it got me
to sing like a bird.

Stop rolling it into rooms!

Mom, we didn't take
anything from the house.

Did the owner say what was stolen?

Maybe it was just a misunderstanding.

You know, you're probably right.

I'll contact the owner and clear it up.

Oh, yeah, I think this is
all gonna work itself out.

Chris, can you grab
that wand next to you

and crank the speed up to "hummingbird"?

"Hi, Dottie.
It's Lois from this weekend.

Had such a great time with my family."

Three exclamations,

three smiley faces.

"Thank you again for hosting."

Prayer hands emoji.

Your flashlight's still on,
you old bitch.

"I just wanted to reach out
about the review you left.

You said we stole something."

Shocked emoji.

"I think there was a mistake, LOL.

I talked to my family,
and no one took anything."

Shoulder shrug emoji.

"Anyway, would love
to help clear this up.

Best, Lois Griffin."

Three heart emojis
and an accidental letter "M"

when I hit send.

(MESSAGE WHOOSHES)

A bottle of shampoo?

♪ ♪

Ah, I smell like one of those

farmers market candles I never buy.

Oh.

That.

Forgot to grab one for Chris,

you absolute ancient hag.

All right, Brian, if we're
going to go door-to-door

and sell all this, we need a game plan.

So let's practice.

You and I walk up to a client's house.

Walking, walking, walking.

We're walking, walking, walking.

Oh.

Up the steps and we knock on the door.

Knock-knock. Nothing.

Nothing... then they answer. Freeze!

Now what do we tell
the client we're selling?

- Taffy.
- Wrong.

The first thing every salesman needs

to sell is himself. Write it down.

I didn't bring a pen or paper.

All right, after we sell ourselves,

what do we tell
the client we're selling?

- Taffy?
- Wrong!

Never tell the client
what you're selling.

The second you tell them
what we're selling,

- they'll know what we're selling.
- Right.

- Wrong!
- Yeah, I might need a pen and paper.

The second thing a salesman
needs to sell is an emotion.

All right, let's just skip
ahead. I'll be the client. Okay.

You've sold yourself... barely.

You've sold an emotion: nostalgia.

- Now what are you selling?
- Taf...

Don't you dare come to my house
and tell me what you're selling.

Yeah, I'm having a hard time
tracking this.

Oh, you're having a hard time?

Do you see what I'm doing here?
Do you see my hand?

This gesture says that I'm in

a domestic abuse situation
and you're doing nothing.

You're just standing there
not even telling me what you're selling.

- Taffy!
- Wrong!

So, Mom, did you ever find out

what was stolen from
that Nantucket house?

- I did. Funny story.
- Never is.

It was a bottle of shampoo
I must have packed in my bag.

Oh, no way.

You did it? (LAUGHS)

How does your fat foot taste, Mom?

Apparently taking the rest
of a tiny bottle of shampoo

is considered stealing nowadays.

Answer the question about the foot.

- How big was the bottle?
- Ah, it was small.

I thought you said it was "tiny."

Would it pass through airport security?

- That's the threshold.
- It was very little.

Oh, now it's "little."

You're all over the place.

May we see the bottle?

I would love to show you the bottle.

Then you'll see how ridiculous this is.

Okay, so this dinner's not one
of her best efforts, right?

- Big whiff.
- I agree.

Okay, let's pile that on, too.

- (BOTTLE THUDS)
- Yo!

That's borderline huge, Mom.

The size is misleading.

There was barely any liquid left in it.

It was sputtering to a finish.

It made an audible thud
when you put it down.

I hated tonight's chicken.

I am not wrong here, okay?

We paid a lot of money for that house,

and taking the ass-end
of a shampoo bottle

barely makes a dent into their haul.

There, definitive proof that
your mother always describes

big things as being smaller
than they are.

Did you hear that, Chris?

We've all seen it, Dad.

Aw.

Good afternoon, Mr. Quagmire.

Oh, salesmen. Look,
I'm gonna be straight with you.

You see this coin purse?
It contains $ ,

which is what I allow myself to spend

on superfluous purchases every week.

It is currently open.

Just like my ears.

If you wow me with your pitch,
the money is yours.

If it closes, you have lost the sale.

Now let's hear it.

So...

As you can see,
we have all the classic flavors.

It's like a vacation in a box.

All the fun of the beach
without that pesky commute.

I don't know. I only like taffy

when it's got cute, little jokes in 'em.

Something to laugh at while
you're doing all that chewing.

Who doesn't love laughing?

That's why our taffy comes
with jokes, too.

- It does?
- This is Brian's personal phone number.

Every time you eat a taffy,

call that number
and he'll tell you a joke.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(GRUNTS) Hello.

Hi, I'm eating my taffy.

Oh, what time is it?

Very late. I work nights.

And I like to have a treat
while I watch my infomercials.

Joke, please.

Oh, okay, um, uh...

what, uh... why-why did the...

house go to the doctor?

Because it had window panes.

(LAUGHS) Oh, that's good.

I'm-a call you again in ten minutes

when I have another piece.

(PHONE BUZZES)

- Yup.
- I swallowed quicker than I thought.

Do you know how awful
it feels to be labeled a thief

for something as silly
as a small bottle of shampoo?

Yeah. (GULPS)

I heard the bottle wasn't that small.

What? Where did you hear that?

Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners.

We can hear all
your family's conversation.

Mm-hmm, okay.

You know, I'm gonna get
a Kn*fe for this cheese.

Oh, let me get that for you.

They're my grandmother's knives,

so I'm gonna need you
to sign out which one you use.

Okay, that's enough.

I see what's happening here.

You think I'm a thief.

I can't believe you're not on my side.

I heard the bottle had a pump.

A pump? Who else are you
talking to about this?

I'm on a couple of text chains
discussing it.

Oh, God!

Okay, I got to fix this.

I am bringing that shampoo
back to Nantucket.

It's the only way.

JOE: Pockets.

Did you come in with this ChapStick?

Yes.

I'll, uh, check the tape.

(RINGS)

Oh, thanks for agreeing
to meet me here, Dottie.

Of course, Bell over the Door Café

has the best coffee on the island.

(BELL RINGS)

You know, I wanted
to clear the air with you

about that bottle of shampoo.

It turns out we did take it by mistake.

I-I feel terrible,

so I wanted to return it
to you personally.

- (BOTTLE THUDS)
- (CROWD GASPS)

That's so nice.

You didn't have to drive all this way.

I mean, you could have
just put it in the mail.

Oh, no, the mail is so impersonal.

It was important I did this in person.

Well, thank you again.

(BELL RINGS)

So, now that this is settled,

I was thinking maybe
you could change your review.

Oh. I'm sorry, no.

I can't do that.

(LAUGHS): Oh, but...

but I returned the bottle.

Lois, I write the reviews of my guests

based on their behavior
while they're in my home.

And you stole the shampoo.

And you only brought it back
because you got caught.

So if anything,
you're proving what I wrote

about you was correct.

Dottie. Dot.

D.

Look, I am on my back here.

My legs are in the stirrups,

forceps have been utilized,

there was some sort of suction,
and still

- that's not enough?
- I'm not changing it.

- (BELL RINGS)
- Can we turn that bell off?!

That bell was the only item recovered

from a shipwreck
that devastated our island.

Entire families were torn apart, and...

(CHUCKLES) Why am I telling you?

James Taylor wrote
a whole song about it.

♪ souls set out on that day ♪

♪ And only a bell came back ♪

♪ And it sings ding-a-ding,
ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding ♪

♪ Ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding... ♪

Shut up, James Taylor!

Things can happen in New England

without you needing to sing about it.

(CROWD GASPS)

I think you should leave.

Okay. You win, Dottie.

You got your shampoo back

and you officially got me canceled.

This isn't being canceled.

- I think it is.
- JAMES: It's not!

Shut up, James Taylor!

You don't scare me, lady.

I was married to Carly Simon.

You stole the shampoo, Lois.

(BELL RINGING)

I'm not changing the review.

I heard it had a pump.

♪ Ring-ring-a-ding-ding. ♪

No! I can't let her win.

Stop the ferry!

We haven't left yet, ma'am.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

What's your weakness, Dottie?

I am gonna find it.

(SNIFFING)

Oh, God, Lois, no more chowder for you.

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

(GASPS) Oh!

DoorDash. That's it!

Okay, time to do a choppy
FaceTime with the kids.

Hey, Lois. When are you coming home?

Stewie ...ooped ...tub.

Stewie what?

...ooped ...ub! I... with an oven mitt!

What with an oven mitt?

- What?
- Hi, Mom.

- ...ooped ...ub!
- Who?

Everybody ...ooped... the tub...

more ...oop than water. Come home!

♪ Ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪

♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring ♪

♪ Ding-ding ♪

♪ Ring-a-ding,
ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪

♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ring-a-
ding-ding, ding-ding. ♪

(TIRES SCREECH)

(PHONE CHIMES)

This is terrible, Brian.

We've barely sold any boxes.

Nobody likes taffy.

Yeah, I guess without
the salt air and ocean views,

it's just subpar gum.

What are we gonna do? We sunk
a lot of money into this.

We need to pivot.

It's not selling as candy,

so we need to repackage it as something

people actually want.

Let's brainstorm.

Okay. Hmm.

You know, I'm-I'm really not
liking your brainstorming face.

Very unlikable eyebrow movement.

Shh! I got it, I got it.

Colored layered sand in bottles.

That's a whole different bad idea.

Okay, what about bottles
with layered sand in it

that's different colors?

That's the same thing
except with the words

in a different order.

We're never gonna sell all this stuff

unless we can find
a big enough group of suckers

to trick into taking it off our hands.

Welp, we found 'em!

Stewie, rebranding this taffy

as Chew Anon was a stroke of genius.

Yep, and when we told Joe Rogan

it cured COVID, we were off.

God bless our stupid, stupid country.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Hello, Dottie.

Lois? What are you doing here?

Well, I brought your dinner.

And... delivery complete.

Oh, well, would you look at that.

It looks like it's my turn
to give someone a review.

What?

After every delivery,
drivers get to rate

their experience with the customer.

(GASPS) Wouldn't it be a shame

if one of only two DoorDash drivers

on the island gave you a poor review?

(GASPS) Well, they might ban
you from the app, Dottie.

You might actually have
to leave the house

for food during the winter season.

Okay, what do you want, money?

No, no, no, no, no.

Here's what's gonna happen, Dottie.

You're gonna take out your phone,

open up Airbnb,

then change that review.

Okay.

Type the following: "Would."

- Would...
- "Host."

- Host.
- "Again."

- Again.
- Send.

So that's it?

- This is over?
- That's it.

This is over.

You know what, Dottie?

I did steal that shampoo.

You did?

You're damn right I did!

I was always gonna steal that shampoo.

And do you know why?

Because when I stood in your shower

and rubbed that
peach orchard-scented bottle

of bliss into my hair,
I felt like somebody else.

I felt like somebody who mattered.

Somebody who had enough disposable cash

that she could buy a scented shampoo.

That's what Airbnbs do, Dottie.

They make you feel like
you're living a fairy tale life.

And I wanted that feeling to last.

And it did!

Also, I opened your locked closet

and put on your wedding dress.
I ate yogurt in it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, oh, my God.

Because that's what Lois Griffin does.

Really, I should be thanking you
for reminding me of who I am:

a secret little psycho
with very little to lose.

And there's a million of us out there,

and you're just welcoming
us all into your homes.

So if you ever think of giving someone

a bad review again, remember this.

We know where you live.

ANNOUNCER: Airbnb. What are you doing?!

It's your house!

- Well, it all worked out.
- What?

Oh, I said it all worked out.

I got my reputation back on Airbnb,

and Dottie got her comeuppance.

I don't know what you're
talking about, and I don't care.

Oh. I just thought we could share

some conversation to pass the time.

You're the lady who yelled
at me in the coffee shop.

You think I give a crap
about anything you have to say?

Kind of thought you'd have
a helicopter, James Taylor.

Carly got it in the divorce.