01x05 - A Great Place to Drink to Gain Control of Your Drink

[bunniefuu]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SHIP HORN BLARES]

Mr. Schrodinger, welcome back.

- It's been ten years...
- Since you went missing.

How do you know all this?

Anything you want, just ask Her.

Mathilde is bringing the
Grail to a body of water.

These women in pantsuits,

they're preparing for
some kind of transfer.

You better not be making trouble, Clara.

[EXCLAIMS]

- Where did you get these?
- Mrs. Davis.

This is for your traveling companion.

Where did you get those shoes?

I will free you as soon as you tell me.

This isn't who you are.

Do you want to know who I really am?

Holy sh*t!

I need you to do a favor for me.

What if I say no?

Then you're breaking your vows.

Is that the pope?

Felipe here has a beef with your hubby

because he blew him off for Clara.

Jay never told me that he knew her.

He just said she was the
last person to have the Grail.

Tell her about the tape.

There's, like, a mystery tape

that has something to
do with the Holy Grail.

- The red-haired woman?
- Wait for it.

It's a commercial?

What the...

[RECORD PLAYER CRACKLING]

[SOFT OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- [DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
- [BELL DINGS]

Jay?

♪ ♪

[GLASS CRUNCHES]

What the hell?

Hey. What's...

[GROANING]

Hey.

Oh, my God. Did somebody hit you?

Oh, no, no.

- Show me.
- [GROANING]

I got into a fight,

which I lost, because, you know,

- I'm a lover...
- Hey, careful, careful.

- Not a fighter. You get it.
- [GROANS]

- Hey, wait. Whoa, whoa.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Did He do this? The Boss?

It wasn't the Boss, Simone.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

[SOFTLY] I'm okay.

Then who was it?

Because I will kick their ass, husband.

- I will kick it good.
- [CHUCKLES]

That's very noble of
you, wife, but I'm okay.

Comes with the
territory. I'm used to it.

"Comes with the territory"?

Who wants to b*at up Jesus Christ?

[LAUGHS]

Ah, I get all kinds in here.

People come to talk. Some want comfort.

Some just want to kick my ass.

And which kind is Clara?

The red-haired woman who, uh,

was last in possession
of the Holy Grail,

who I've been looking
for this entire time?

You said, "I think her name is Clara,"

as if you didn't serve
her food right here,

at this very counter.

♪ ♪

Who told you?

Uh, Wiley.

Via the Pope.

So what does Clara come here for?

Ass-kicking? Talk? Comfort?

Simone, I'm sorry.

I already told you, I
can't talk about my other...

The other relationships. Yeah, I know.

But the thing is, you can
talk about this relationship

because it's in the best
interest of our marriage.

I understand, but I really can't.

Why, because the Boss
is gonna come out here

and give me a stern talking to?

I'd like to see Him try!

[THUNDER RUMBLES LOUDLY]

Can you stop with the thunder?

[GROANS] Simone, please, don't do this.

Are you married to her too?

What kind of vows did she take?

You know I can't talk about this, okay?

Do you love her?

[VOICE BOOMING] I love everyone!

[NORMALLY] I love everyone.

[SOFTLY] Okay.

I'm sorry. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

I didn't mean to raise my voice.

It's not me. [SIGHS]

- [LIFE VEST SQUEAKING]
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[SOFTLY] Excuse me.

[LAUGHS]

I love you, husband.

But I am on the verge
of finding Clara myself,

so if there is something that

you need to tell me before I do,

now is the time.

Wait, where are you?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I'm going to see a man about a cat.

♪ ♪

[MOTOR RUMBLING]

♪ ♪

[BELL TOLLING]

- [WAVES CRASHING]
- [GRUNTS]

This is where the
Algorithm said he'd be?

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

That's promising.

♪ ♪

[SHOUTING]

- Oh, f*ck me!
- [SCREAMS]

I said I didn't want to be rescued!

- [SCREAMS]
- Get away!

- Hey, hey, hey, okay!
- Hey, hey!

Nobody's here to rescue you, young man.

Put... put the f*cking sword down!

[TENSE MUSIC]

Put... put yours down first.

Same time?

♪ ♪

Oh, God.

Who are you and why are you here?

We're looking for Clara.

Never heard of her.

No, that's bullshit.

We know you know where she is.

We saw you on the tape.

What tape?

Show him.

[TABLET CHIMES]

"Buns Are the New g*ns.

Ways to Pump that Rump."

sh*t. Wait, what?

Hold... [SCOFFS]

Oh, no. No, no.
That's... something else.

- Is it recording?
- Those are your feet.

Okay, can you point it at me?

And that is Clara.

Father Hans Ziegler...

And that is your cat.

By now, you understand that
I have in my possession...

You can see, right here on the collar,

it says, quite adorably,

"Cuddled and cared for by
Dr. Arthur Schrodinger."

Yeah?

- That's not my...
- [CAT MEOWING]

I can't help. I'm sorry.

Hey. Hey!

Arthur, I am on a very important quest

to find the Holy Grail so I can destroy

a dangerously powerful Algorithm,

so powerful, it knew where you were.

Because apparently...
kay, so you were rescued

and you decided to come back here?

What... it's not my
business. To each his own.

But if you know Clara... and
hey, I know that you do...

you can help us.

Are you serious? Is he serious?

- Yeah, I don't know.
- [CAT SNARLS]

But, Lizzie, I think we should
probably forget it, right?

"Lizzie"?

As in short for Elizabeth?

Yeah.

Elizabeth Abbott?

Are you Preston Wiley?

How do you know our names?

I tried to spare you, but
it brought you right to me.

Spare us from... no, no,
no. We don't require sparing.

Just... just tell us where Clara is,

and we'll be on our way.

She's closer than you think.

But before I tell you where she is,

you must first understand who she is.

And that story, her story,

it comes with a warning.

And if you choose to
go through that door,

there will be consequences.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay.

You stay, I stay.

Okay.

Consequences it is.

Protein.

For the buns.

[CRUNCHES]

- Watch out for the...
- [COUGHS]

Bones.

You okay?

When I first met Clara,

she'd just left the Sisters of the Coin.

The what?

The Sisters of the Coin.

The top secret organization.

The protectors of the Asset. The Grail.

The... the banker women.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake.
- No, no, no.

- Do you two know anything?
- We do know the banker women.

We know the banker women. We know the...

[COUGHING]

How 'bout you just
start from the beginning?

Once upon a time,

there was a young girl

with a head full of fiery red hair.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SPEAKING FRENCH] Dépêche-toi, Clara.

♪ ♪

I know it is before her time.

She will not be a bother.

You should get inside.

They are waiting, Mathilde.

♪ ♪

So hang on.

Mathilde, does she also have red hair,

great skin, wields a Kn*fe?

How do you know Mathilde?

Lizzie kicked the sh*t out of her.

No, I did not. I was following her,

and I thought she was Clara.

[CHUCKLES] No. No, she's not Clara.

But she is...

Maman ?

Do not call me maman when I am at work.

She's her mother? I
did not see that coming.

I did.

Mathilde is Clara's mother,

but she wasn't exactly maternal.

You are going to stay
in this spot, Clara,

and under no circumstances are
you to go through those doors.

[SPEAKS FRENCH] Tu comprends ?

[DOORS CREAKING]

Oh, she's definitely
going through those doors.

Yeah, Lizzie here doesn't
respect boundaries either.

It's kind of like a recurring theme.

A recurring theme?

Oh, you can't help
yourself. Locked doors?

- No.
- Are you kidding me?

I didn't even bother
wrapping her presents.

- [CHUCKLES]
- This one peeks.

'Cause you always gave
me terrible presents.

You didn't hate everything I gave you.

What are you...

- Yeah, you heard me.
- Stop it.

- [GIGGLES]
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Sorry.

Please continue.

Thank you.

[TAPE PLAYER CLICKS]

["BE MY BABY" PLAYING IN FRENCH]

And while Clara spent
that long summer day

at her mother's work,

she saw some curious things.

- [DOORS CREAKING]
- [SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ ♪

That woman has the... the Grail

hidden in her fake belly.

That's what I saw at the lake!

Oh, what, you get to participate,

- and I have to shut up?
- Both of you just...

I'm trying to describe
the curious things.

Sorry. Go ahead.

[DOORS CREAKING]

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ ♪

Maman?

♪ ♪

Now, Clara could have called out,

made it known that she'd been forgotten.

- [DOORS CREAKING]
- But yes, you're right.

She went through the bloody doors.

And what she saw in there

would change her life forever.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Why can't you follow the rules?

I told you not to come in here, Clara!

[SIGHS] Now I must k*ll you.

- Holy sh*t!
- Whoa! What?

Whoa, she k*lled her own daughter?

- No. Not okay.
- That escalated so quickly.

- No, no, wait. Wait, no.
- Kick the sh*t out of her...

No... no, she didn't k*ll her.

But what came next, what
Mathilde was now forced

to subject her daughter
to, was a fate far worse.

I am not a banker, Clara.

I am a Sister of the Coin.

A member of a secret
organization of women

who have worked for centuries

in financial institutions as a means

to hide our true agenda,

the care and protection of the Asset.

The Asset came to us millennia ago,

when two apostles of the Christ,

each claiming it as
their own, they dueled...

- [SWORDS CLASHING]
- Resulting in both their deaths.

- [MEN SCREAMING]
- And so the asset

was held in trust by their widows.

These would become the first Sisters,

bankers tasked with
looking after the Asset.

But it is just a bowl.

Why does it need looking after?

Because, Clara, it is not just a bowl.

♪ ♪

It has a temper.

If it's not properly cared for,

- bad things happen.
- [CROWD SCREAMING]

So the Grail was responsible
for the eruption of Pompeii?

Well, the Sisters certainly believe so.

The Grail was apparently nearby
when the tragedy occurred,

which is why they developed
the Articles of Care,

rules that they must follow
to keep the bowl appeased.

So they treat a bowl like a baby?

They're its mothers.

Exactly.

And the Sisters believed

that if they didn't follow the rules,

there'd be adverse consequences.

So if the Grail wasn't kept
in a state of perpetual motion,

for example, it would emit a foul odor.

Ah, so the baby Grail gets fussy,

you gotta take it for a drive in the car

so it doesn't make a boom-boom.

Don't mock the rules, boy,

especially not the most
important rule of all.

Thou shall not sip.

Why do you do this, maman?

Why did you care so
much about that bowl?

Because I took a vow,
as my mamandid before me,

and because I said I would.

[SIGHS]

You are not cut out
to be a Sister, Clara,

for to be in service of the Asset

is to do whatever it takes.

[SIGHS]

But now that you've seen all this,

and I would rather not k*ll you,

I have no choice but
to begin your training.

You will study the Articles of Care,

and you will learn how to execute them,

though I doubt you will be any good.

Then I vow to prove you wrong, maman,

whatever it takes.

Clara spent the next several years

at a special academy,

training to become the
most capable sister.

A special academy. That's cool.

Kinda like Grail Hogwarts.

Yeah, no offense, but
can we just fast-forward

to the part where we're talking about

the sneaker commercial, please?

Very well.

Right you are.

ALL: As the skies rain fire,

the Sisters must acquire

and invest with mind and heart

and never, ever part

with that which we all serve,

the Asset.

And what, Sisters,

is the most inviolable?

ALL: Thou shall not sip.

Before we begin our quarterly earnings,

Sister Mathilde would
like to make a proposal.

As you are all well aware,

Article of the
Articles of Care states

the asset must be looked
upon by no less than %

of the global population annually,

lest the skies rain fire,
et cetera, et cetera.

But the world's population has exploded,

and now we must guarantee
million individuals

lay eyes upon it in a single year.

And still, we transport
the Asset all over the world

to hit our quota.

Yet what if I told you

we could capture those
million viewers

in a single minute, all at once?

[EXCITED WHISPERING]

Balderdash.

No, Sister.

Not balderdash.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

A Super Bowl commercial,

Which will not only be
seen at the Super Bowl,

but for months, maybe
even years to come,

broadcast around the world

with the kind of reach
we could only dream of.

We will camouflage the
presence of the Asset

within the ad itself.

And to do so, I have identified
a brand with mass appeal,

the coolest athletic shoe in the world,

one destined to reach iconic status

and only gain in popularity:

British Knights.

[SNAPS] Apron man!

We open in th-century France,

a dramatic execution,

as Knights Templar burn at the stake

under the torches of French...

Yeah, no. We... we saw the commercial.

We don't need to hear
the whole pitch, man.

Yeah. What I want to know is...

Who's going to pay for this?

Our most loyal apron man, Hans.

[CROWD GASPS]

- Me?
- Yes, Hans.

You will secure what we
need to make this commercial

by infiltrating the Vatican

and becoming a priest.

Father Ziegler has a
nice ring to it, no?

BOTH: Oh!

I would do anything
for... the Sisterhood,

but why the Vatican?

Because those putain de
cons don't allow women

to hold positions of
power within the church.

Besides, the Vatican owns so much land,

they will not notice

when you find the perfect
location for our sh**t

nor when you embezzle the
funds to subsidize our budget.

You want me to become
a priest so I can steal?

I want you to be quiet
and do as you're told.

Is that you, Mathilde,

featured in your own commercial?

In order to ensure the
security of the Asset,

I must write, direct,

and star in the ad myself.

You're too old.

[LAUGHTER]

If these British Knights
are as cool as you say,

the hero needs to be youthful.

We are not trying to
sell sneakers, okay?

- It is only a method...
- Pardon.

[EXCITED MURMURING]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'll do it.

You will not.

I am young.

I can be trusted to handle the Asset,

and this will free you to focus
on your work behind the camera.

Well, that settles it.

Mathilde, if you want our approval,

Clara will be the star.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

All in favor?

♪ ♪

Tails have it.

The commercial proceeds.

[APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- _
- [WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Merci.

Va-t'en ! I'm busy.

Maman, I need to speak with you.

I have some questions about...

Move aside.

[CLEARS THROAT] Um,
maman, it's really...

two seconds.

I'm very busy, Clara.

I do not have time to babysit you.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Always on the outside looking in.

Excuse me?

Surely you remember
your mother's apron man.

years of servitude should
not be that easily forgotten.

Hans?

Yes, of course.

It's been a while, and I
didn't recognize you in...

The fruits of my labor.

When your mother sent me off to
the Vatican to do her bidding,

I was at first resentful.

But now I understand
it was a necessary step

in realizing my potential.

You see, life is full of
doors, just like this one.

And there are two kinds of people,

those outside

and those on the inside.

All right.

Hans, what are you doing standing there?

Take off that ridiculous costume.

Fetch me tea.

It is not a costume.

Now, Hans.

Of course, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

It is always those closest to us

whose blades cut deepest, no?

♪ ♪

Cut!

[BELL RINGS]

[SPEAKING FRENCH] Tu m'ecoutes pas ?

Where's the intensity?

You're not giving me what I need, Clara.

I'm doing my best, maman.

Well, your best is not good enough.

[SNIFFS]

What's that awful smell?

Perhaps it's my daughter's
terrible performance.

[BEEPING]

Psst, psst!

Oh, well, great.

Now you've upset the Asset.

Clear the set!

I must clear my head. Terrible headache.

♪ ♪

Meet me at sundown.

Oh, the old "meet me at
sundown" cryptic note.

It's a classic, and it's good to know

our boy Hans has always
been a cliché, shady f*ck,

But do you think he helped
Clara steal the Grail?

Would you two prefer to
keep on wildly theorizing,

or can I carry on with the story?

By all means.

[DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Top row, fourth from the left.

[MYSTICAL RINGING]

♪ ♪

How did you get this?

Oh, I did not get it.

I made it.

This decoy was manufactured
to my exact specifications

by a blind craftsman

and is indistinguishable
from the original.

What will you do with this?

Oh, I will not do
anything with it, Clara.

You are the only one permitted
to handle the actual Grail,

so you will replace it with this decoy

and bring me the real thing.

Why would I do that for you?

It is not just for me, Clara.

It is for both of us.

All we've ever wanted
was Mathilde's approval,

but she can never give it to us
because of that accursed bowl.

The Grail is an object of immense power.

Many have tried to destroy
it over the centuries,

but only the Vatican has the
resources to obliterate it

once and for all.

In doing so,

it would free Mathilde
and all the Sisters

from the burden of caring for it.

Then, Clara,

we could finally both get
the affection we deserve.

Give me one reason to trust you.

Because, Clara,

I'm your father.

♪ ♪

I f*cking knew it!

Why don't you tell the story, then?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm so...

He's doing great. You're doing great.

You're doing great.

You lie.

My mother would never bend the rule

to consummate with an apron man.

And if you believe I am just as reckless

to break my vow to the Sisterhood,

then you are dead wrong.

If I see you anywhere near the Asset

with your little decoy,

I will not hesitate
to take your head off.

And you should know,

I've been practicing.

♪ ♪

[SHOUTING IN FRENCH] _

[ALL SHOUTING]

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Okay, here we go.

[BELL RINGS]

Action!

[SPEAKING FRENCH] _

_

_

_

_

_

Cut!

[BELL RINGS]

From the top.

Action!

- _
- Cut!

- _
- Cut!

- _
- Cut!

Back to one.

My God. From the top.

_

_

- No, no, no, no, no!
- [GROANS]

I still don't believe
you. [SPEAKING FRENCH]

How are you so incapable
of showing genuine emotion?

You care for this woman.

Why do you refuse to nurture her

in the last moments of life?

[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Mais putain ! Who are you

to lecture me about nurturing?

[GROANS]

Clear the set.

Everyone.

Except you.

I think you're doing a wonderful job.

[SPEAKING FRENCH] Ça suffit !

[MURMURING IN FRENCH]

I'm not sure how much
more of this I can take.

I have my limits.

I really do.

I'm dying.

What?

I've been, um, getting these headaches.

So, um, I went to a doctor,

a specialist, who ran tests.

Unfortunately, the results were...

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Well, there isn't much they can do.

My situation has forced me to...

reflect upon my duty

and my legacy.

You are my legacy, Clara.

♪ ♪

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

Do you need a moment?

No.

Let's sh**t.

Let's sh**t.

And action!

_

_

_

_

_

_

[SNIFFLING]

All right, good enough.

- Uh, moving on.
- [BELL RINGS]

[CRYING]

Um, let's go to...

Clara, this platform that we built

runs just under the water.

So all you're gonna do is run here.

But past this point,
you'll be going for a swim.

Any questions?

No. I'm... I'm good to go.

[SPEAKING FRENCH] Alors
! Positions, everyone!

Top, top, top, top, top!

Where is it?

Where is what?

The decoy I offered you, it's gone.

And you are the only one
who knew where it was hidden.

Why would I take your decoy?

I am a loyal Sister of the Coin.

But if you feel that some
of your property was stolen,

you should report it
to security immediately.

Give it back to me, now!

Hey, Hans!

Stop distracting my actor
and get me a tea, Earl Grey.

Get it yourself!

[CROWD GASPS]

[DARK MUSIC]

Quoi?

I am the one who made
all of this possible!

I spent years at the Vatican,

shifting money around so you
could fund this production.

I am the one who found this place

in their secret holdings,
and what thanks do I get,

to be your errand boy?

No, I am a priest now,

and I am going back to where I'm given

the respect I deserve.

Security.

[STAMMERING]

I don't know what you're
doing, but once you do it,

I will come after you with
the full power of the Vatican.

I vow it!

Leave me be!

Back to work, people!

We're losing light!

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Merci.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Quiet on set.

Clara, are you ready?

Roll camera.

Three, two, one.

And action!

[SHOUTS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Cut!

♪ ♪

[WATER BURBLING]

[DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

[CLAPPING]

We're good. [SIGHS]

We got it. That's a wrap.

- Ah!
- [APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

She swapped the Grail out
for the decoy underwater,

- didn't she?
- Of course she did.

You two are simply incapable
of listening, aren't you?

And so after days,

three major injuries,
two production designers,

and $ million

- of the Vatican's money...
- Wow.

Mathilde and the Sisters
of the Coin completed

the most ambitious
commercial in history.

Yes.

How come no one's ever seen it?

Oh.

Well, isn't it obvious?

No.

No?

Shall I tell you?

We want to know.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Sometimes, at the end of the road,

when all seems lost,

miracles happen.

♪ ♪

[CROWD MURMURING]

That was very... impressive.

But I'm a bit confused.

What's confusing?

I have delivered British Knights
Corporation a masterpiece,

and all you have to do is
air it during the Super Bowl.

But here's the thing.

We didn't hire you to do this.

We just met you for
the first time today.

Yes, but I spoke to
someone in your office.

He was incredibly enthusiastic
about the prospect.

His name, I believe, was Brian.

[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

Brian's an intern.

[CROWD GROANING]

But I've put my heart into this.

And I give you this. It's
a gift. It's for free.

I'm sorry. It's a pass.

[CROWD GASPS]

[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You didn't get their permission?

If I asked for permission
every time in my life...

Spare us, Mathilde.

Your folly has cost us dearly.

And not a single eye
will fall upon the Asset,

which means we will have to triple

our efforts to have it seen.

[ALL MUTTERING]

This never happened.

Bury every g*dd*mn shoe.

And if the world ever sees a frame

of this ludicrous endeavor,

I will see that you are
banished from the Sisterhood.

♪ ♪

You cut my line.

I didn't believe you.

Yet I believed you.

You're not really dying, are you?

Whatever it takes.

♪ ♪

My resignation.

[MUSIC DARKENS]

♪ ♪

I do not accept it.

You're fired, Clara.

Leave, and never show
your face here again.

Out of my love and dedication to you,

I vow it will be done.

♪ ♪

Goodbye, maman.

♪ ♪

So she swapped the Grail
to f*ck over her mom,

but her mom didn't know she swapped it,

so why bother f*cking with her at all?

Ooh, right.

- Mom stuff.
- Hmm?

Lizzie's mom sh*t her with a crossbow.

She's still kinda working through it.

All right, all right, all right,

I don't want to talk about me.

When do you come in to this story?

[CAT MEOWS]

Ah, yes.

It is indeed time for Apollo
and I to enter stage right.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Uh, oh, office hours are over.

You'll have to come back
tomorrow, I'm afraid.

Um...

I'm not one of your students, Professor.

My name is Clara.

I am, um, Mathilde La Fleur's daughter.

And, uh,

I am also your daughter.

- I knew it!
- [SCREAMS] What the f*ck?

- I knew it.
- What?

- You did not know it.
- I knew it.

You said you knew that
the priest was the father.

- I knew that too.
- He did not know it.

I also knew that the priest was lying

because, you know, Beardo
here is her true father.

I can't believe you're her father.

Yeah. I mean, I can, but...

Yeah, well, I didn't bloody well know it

at the time, did I, right?

And trust me, it was
quite the development.

How did Clara even know where you were?

I found your letters.

My mother kept them hidden,

but I found them when I was a child.

I suspect she never told you about me.

She didn't.

Don't take it personally.

It was reckless of her
to have a relationship

with an outsider.

It's forbidden by the Sisterhood.

The Sisterhood?

The Sisters of the Coin.

- They are a...
- Secret organization sworn to protect the Asset.

See? We're paying attention.

Why did she come to you, Arthur?

♪ ♪

Because I'm a scientist.

If you loved my mother as
much as you letters suggested,

you deserve to know why she disappeared.

She is incapable of loving anyone,

not as long as this exists.

Ah.

- The infamous Asset.
- Yeah.

The only thing Mathilde
La Fleur ever cared for.

Her entire life revolves
around its protection,

which is why you must
help me destroy it.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I... I don't...

I don't understand why you need my help.

Have you tried a hammer?

I have literally tried everything.

This is no ordinary bowl.

Because it's the Holy Grail.

The physics lab at this university

has a Hercules Laser, right?

Oui.

We fire the laser at the Asset.

If it makes so much as a scratch,

you will never see me again.

But if the bowl stays intact,

you must vow to help
me destroy the Grail.

Dear girl, that laser

is going to burn a
hole through your bowl.

Then vow.

[SCOFFS]

Sure. All right, why not?

I vow to help you
destroy the Holy Grail.

Whatever it takes.

Whatever it takes.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Then let us begin.

♪ ♪

[LASER WHIRRING]

Goggles on.

[WHIRRING]

[LASER ZAPPING]

♪ ♪

[LASER POWERING DOWN]

[SCOFFS]

What the sh*t?

Right. Uh, here we are.

This will be your room.

You have a thing with cats.

No, No, I don't have a
thing for cats, actually.

My... my colleagues,
they think it's hilarious

to gift me, uh, feline-themed...

[CAT MEOWS]

Ah.

And that's Apollo,

who was also a gift.

That reminds me.

These were given to me
after the commercial.

They're not my size,
but perhaps they fit you.

Oh.

Um...

Look, Clara, I...

I've... I've made it this
far in my professional life

without being hindered
by, um, attachments.

By family.

And I have no intention
of breaking stride now.

I invited you to stay purely
out of academic curiosity

and the chance for
scientific exploration,

nothing more.

Of course.

Me too.

I only sought you out
as a means to an end,

to help destroy the Grail.

This is a strictly
professional partnership,

nothing more.

- Well, good. Good.
- Okay.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Thanks... thank you very
much for the trainers.

Um, actually, I've been
meaning to get myself a pair.

Uh, um...

maybe do not wear them in public.

There is an evil priest out to get me,

and he will recognize those shoes.

Yeah, no sh*t he'd recognize the shoes.

They must have been given away

when I was presumed dead.

Yes, you mentioned that the Vatican

might be hunting you down.

Do you have a plan for that?

I stole a copy of the commercial,

and...

I will send it to that
assh*le as a warning.

I just need to add a
little something of my own.

Does that camcorder work?

That's when she recorded the video.

If you try to find me,

or if I so much catch a whiff of you...

Well, we may have engaged

in some light blackmail.

And did you destroy the Grail?

We certainly made every attempt.

We tried a pneumatic drill,
extreme heat, extreme cold,

cold then hot, hot then cold.

We threw it under a stampede
of elephants in Kenya.

But nothing worked.

Wow. That's a... that's a lot.

How long did you do this for?

Ten years.

You traveled the world with
your daughter for years.

While I still had my academic posting,

Clara and I would get
together once a month

to test a new theory.

I was just honoring my vow.

So while you and Clara were out

doing your scientific expeditions,

what was up with the Articles of Care?

Oh. Well, most of them,

complete bollocks and
utter superstition,

but, actually, except for one.

Turns out the Grail did
need to be on the move.

Otherwise, it would
emit the foulest odor.

What happened at the end of ten years?

Well, it all culminated
October st, ,

NASA launching a rocket
in the California desert.

And since we hadn't
tried exposing the Grail

to ignited rocketed fuel, made the trip.

But it failed, like all the others.

There was one item in
the Articles of Care

we hadn't yet dismissed,

the most important of the
Sisters' ridiculous rules.

I'm going to drink from it.

What?

"Thou shall not sip,"
the most sacred rule.

Why?

Because maybe sipping
is what destroys it.

It is literally the only
thing we haven't tried.

Well, no.

What about the volcano?

We could rent a place on the Big Island,

and you could learn to surf.

And I could just snorkel.

Do you want to destroy the
Asset or go on vacation?

No, of course I want to destroy it.

I just... I just like
spending time with you.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'm doing it.

Wait... wait. And...
and then what happens?

You drink, and what?

It just bursts into a cloud of dust?

That's magical bloody thinking, Clara.

You made a vow...

to help me destroy it.

♪ ♪

All right.

But I'm gonna drink from it.

No.

Absolutely not.

That was my idea.

Yes, and given the
potential consequences,

a dangerous one.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

You think it will k*ll me.

Now who is doing the
magical bloody thinking, huh?

Oh, come on, Clara.

You're just as scared as I am,

or you'd have sipped from it years ago.

No.

I'm not scared.

I just didn't want to do it alone.

♪ ♪

Okay. [SPEAKING FRENCH]
Pierre-papier-ciseaux.

Rock, paper, scissors.

- Oh.
- One throw, winner drinks.

And I will tell you in
advance, I'm throwing rock.

But then all I have to do
is throw paper, and I win.

Yeah, that's correct,

because I am definitely throwing rock.

Wait, so do you want
me to drink from it?

Because, you know, I will.

I want you to do

whatever you feel you have to

in response to my rock.

Yeah, yeah. This is hurting my head.

Okay, enough. Hands up.

Ready?

♪ ♪

Rock, paper, scissors.

Throw!

♪ ♪

What the f*ck did she throw?

Scissors.

[CLARA LUCIANI'S "LES FLEURS"]

[SOFT, FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

You lied.

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ ♪

To magical bloody thinking.

♪ ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

Well, that was definitely worth the try.

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

And that's when this look

came over her eyes,

a sense of complete peace and...

tranquility.

I'd never seen it before.

It was as if...

it was as if she went somewhere.

♪ ♪

I know where she was.

And who she was with.

Well, wherever she was, she came back...

♪ ♪

And she smiled at me.

And she said...

Whatever it takes.

♪ ♪

[ONLOOKERS SCREAMING]

Her head exploded?

Oh, Wiley, don't. Just, don't.

- Oh, my God!
- Wiley, don't.

Wait, wait. Hold on.

You lied to us, man.

You said that Clara was... was here.

Not here.

Here.

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

And here.

- What?
- The moment that Clara d*ed,

I knew I had to get her
liver inside someone else.

You see that cat?

[CAT MEOWS]

He's actually years old.

One day, during our experiments,

the Grail was left unattended in my lab,

and a mouse accidentally drank from it.

The mouse d*ed.

And then Apollo ate the mouse.

The cat was absolutely fine.

Subsequent bloodwork
revealed his organs to be

totally pristine, no damage whatsoever.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Well, I had a theory
that the Grail itself

had a microtoxin baked into its finish,

and perhaps that's
what causes the smell.

Whatever it is, it k*lled the mouse.

But when Apollo ate that mouse,

he developed an immunity,
like a vaccine effect.

So after Clara d*ed,
the only way to pass on

any potential immunity
was an organ transplant.

And the most detoxifying organ is?

- [SOFTLY] sh*t.
- The liver.

Yes.

So whoever received Clara's liver

could theoretically
drink from the Grail.

They would not only be
immune to its toxic effects

but quite possibly
able to counteract them.

And, as Clara originally theorized,

so destroy the Grail.

- [SOFTLY] Holy...
- [MUMBLING]

But when I saw you two,
you were just, um...

you were children.

You were there at the hospital.

♪ ♪

What's your name?

Lizzie.

What's yours?

Wiley.

I realized, in that moment,

my obsession was too great,

and to see it through might
well put others at risk.

So if I couldn't destroy the Grail,

well, then, I had to get rid of it.

It had to be in constant motion

because of the smell.

Now, luckily, I knew
some marine biologists

who owed me a favor.

And they took me out on
their research vessel,

and I fed the Grail...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

To a sperm whale.

Did you say a whale?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Unfortunately, after
ingesting the relic,

the whale went a little bit berserk,

and it destroyed our ship.

That is how Apollo and I ended up here

on this island.

The longer we stayed here, I found,

the less I thought about
destroying the Holy Grail

until eventually,

I brought about my own rescue,

after which I was
introduced to the Algorithm.

She said I could ask
Her whatever I wanted.

And I knew as soon as she proposed it

that I was still obsessed,

that my... my compulsion
to test the theory

was as strong as ever

because I asked her for the whereabouts

of Elizabeth Abbott and Preston Wiley.

I had to fight the urge to seek you out.

The only way to guarantee your safety

would be for me to return
to this island forever.

But now,

you two have found me
by your own volition.

And whether that's fate or coincidence

or the Algorithm,

I... I haven't got a clue.

But all I do know is,

it's a goddamned sign.

Now, that whale has a
tracking device on it.

We can find it,

and I can, at last,
destroy the Holy Grail.

So you want us to get the Holy Grail

out of a f*cking whale

so one of us can drink from it

and maybe get our heads exploded, hmm?

That's about the size of it, yeah.

[SCOFFS]

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SCOFFS FORCEFULLY]

Lizzie.

Come on.

What do you say?

That's crazy.

What do you say?

No. No, no.

No, no.

What do you say?

♪ ♪

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ ♪

Whatever it takes.

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ ♪