02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Carol convinced Jodie
to share an apartment,

not as lovers, but as friends,

even though we know
she'd love to be lovers,

and speaking of lovers,

Dennis told Jodie

he'd love to have him back.

Father Tim decided
not to remain a father

but to become a husband,

and asked Corinne to marry him.

Corinne loves the idea.

Mr. Lefkowitz told Danny
he'd k*ll his entire family

if Danny didn't marry Elaine.

Danny said he'd love to.

Mr. Mallu, Jessica's lawyer,
told Jessica he loved her,

and Jessica would have loved
to have heard "not guilty"

from the jury.

Since she didn't,
she'd love to know who did it.

Who did?

Was it Chester?

Jodie? Corinne?

Benson? Burt?

Wouldn't you love to know?

Stay tuned for this week's
episode of...

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[♪]

[SHOUTING AND ARGUING]

Benson, would you make
us all some coffee, please.

I can't.

I beg your pardon?

I can't.
I'm too depressed.

I'll make the coffee, Chester.

No, no, Mary, please.
This is Benson's job.

I can't make no coffee.
Mrs. Tate's in jail.

I can't make coffee.
I just gotta sit.

You want coffee? You make it.

I'll make the coffee.

No, Eunice.
I'll make it.

No, Mary.
You sit.

All right, tell me how.
I'll make it.

Come on.
I'll do it.

No, Burt. You stay
with Chester.

Let me, okay?

No, Corinne. Your
coffee is terrible.

Then don't drink it.

I don't want coffee.

I just want a Fresca.

We could have tea.
Tea's easy.

Get some whipped cream.

I'll make some cappuccino.

[ALL CHATTERING]

All right, all right.

Never mind the coffee.

[RAISES VOICE]
Forget the coffee.

Let's all just sit.

That's what I said
in the first place.

I checked out the jail,

and according
to my calculations,

a t*nk or a two-man bazooka team
could bring the wall down.

Wonderful.

Why don't you go outside
and check for enemy planes?

Yep.

Now, the important thing
is for us to be cool,

to just sit and think,

because we all know
in our heart of hearts

that Jessica
is incapable of v*olence.

Never in a million years,
under any circumstances,

could Jessica possibly
have committed the crime.

So with that in mind,
what we have to do now

is to calmly and coolly
try to figure out...

[RAISING VOICE]
which one of you rats did, huh?

Which one?

Which one of you stinking,
bloodthirsty Campbells...

Campbells? Campbells?

How about you Tates,
you embezzling thief?

Don't start...

Don't push me, Burt.

Stop it!

Hey! Hey!

Come on!

Get out of here.

[CRASH]

I ain't cleaning it.

[MOANS] Oh.

Burt! Look what you've done.

I didn't touch him.

Chester?

Chester?

Are you all right?

Fine. I'm fine.

I'm terribly sorry.

Would you all excuse me
for a moment?

Just go on
with what you're doing.

Well, that's it. I can't go on.

My life is over.

My wife is in jail...

the only woman
I've ever really loved.

My career is over.

I'll be in jail
for embezzlement.

I can't go on.

I might as well end it all.

I'll leave a note.

Paper. I need paper.

Ah, the important thing
is how to do it.

I want it quick, quiet,
and with no pain.

I want it... pleasant.

Ah, that's wonderful, Tate.
You want a pleasant su1c1de.

Why don't you have it catered?

There's not a piece of paper
in this kitchen.

I never thought
I'd be writing a note like this.

Never.

Ahh, that doesn't look right.

S-U-A-C-I-D-E?

It's S-U-I, I think.

No, that would be su-I-cide.

Doesn't matter.

They'll find a body
sprawled on the note,

they'll figure it out.

Perhaps it's not
the smartest thing

I've ever done in my life,

considering I'm not
too crazy about heights,

but what can you do?

Colonel! What happened?
Are you wounded?

What do you want?

A t*nk, sir. I need a t*nk.

Take one. Take two.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much.

Chester...

[CHESTER SCREAMS]

Listen, Chester.

Look, I just wanted
to apologize.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Burt.

All right.

Chester...

There's a Kn*fe in your door.

Uh, yes, I know.
It makes a good handle.

Well, I don't know.

If you had to get
out of here in a hurry,

you could leave
two fingers in the kitchen.

It's dull.
Oh, it's fine.

These are all dull.
All these knives are dull.

They're fine, Burt.

Come on.
Let me sharpen them for you.

I got a wheel out in my truck.

No, no. They're fine.
We like them dull.

Yeah,
but they won't cut like this.

We don't use them for cutting,

we use them
for spreading butter,

or for door handles.

No, I tell you.
I'll make them as good as new.

No, come here.

Oh, well...

The knives are gone.

The oven's electric.

What am I supposed to do?

Jump in the blender
and puree myself to death?

Do you realize

that there's still a m*rder*r

running around loose?

The Colonel
will be driving one t*nk.

I'll be driving the other.

We shall rendezvous at ,

so everyone
synchronize your watches.

It is now... -ish.

I wonder where the m*rder*r is.

I bet right here.

You think I did it, don't you?

I know you think I did it.

You've been staring
at me all day.

Please. You?

Everybody's looking at me
like I'm Jack the Ripper.

Corinne,
they're not looking at you.

They've been looking at me.

I think it was the colored guy.

We don't need him...

Wait, wait, wait!

Now all I have to do
is let go of the rope,

and I'll be dead.

I wonder
how good an idea this is.

I mean, what will it solve?

Ah, this is silly.

su1c1de is not the answer.

Here you go, Chester.

Sharper than
when you bought them.

Here. Watch.

[GRUNTING]

To the right!
To the right!

I'm doing it to the right.

That's not the right, genius.

That's the left.

That's the right,

because I write with this hand,

and I'm a rightie.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

I wear my wedding ring
on my left hand,

so how come it's on the
same side that you're pulling?

Well...

Well...

Well?

Because Danny's right
is your left.

Right.

So?
So?

So when you said
"move it to the right,"

he moved to his right,
which is your left.

Right.

Well, he should have known
when I say "move to the right,"

I am referring
to the right which I can see,

my right, which is his left.

So when you say
"move to the right,"

any idiot knows
you move to the left.

You calling me
an idiot? Huh?

Come on! Cut it out!

I can't hold this anymore.

All right, come on, now.

Come on, to the right now,

my right.

Right.

Ready? Go.

Come on.

Come in!

It's stuck!

Nothing.

Well, it's different.

When company comes over,

they can sit down
before they come in.

Ah, let it rest a while.

It's probably swollen.

Danny, this is a couch,
not a foot.

Same principle.

Whoo.

Hey, Jodie...

Hey, this is a nice...

This is a really
nice place you got here.

To the place.
To the place.

To the place.

Here you go.

Makes me think of the first time

I had my own place.

That was a lot
different, though.

For one thing,

I didn't have
a couch in the door.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Carol.

Listen, uh, I think

maybe you'd better leave
the furniture arranging

to me.

Carol and I are sharing
the apartment.

Oh...

Oh.

Oh!
Oh-ho-ho!

[HOWLING]

It's platonic.

Platonic?
Sounds kinky!

We're roommates.

That's roommates.

All right.
That's roommates.

That's all.

All right. Room!
Room-room-room-roommates!

Well, you call it what you want.

That's what it is.

Hey, come on, Jodie,
today's today.

Once you get the door closed...

It's not like that.

I wish it were.

Okay, it's all right, all right.

I believe you.

I always knew
he wasn't light in the loafers.

Hi.
Oh.

Hi.
Brought you a little house-warming present.

Oh, I bet you did.

It's... Who... I...
Who're you...

I... What's...

Dennis Phillips.

That's Dennis Phillips,
the quarterback, right?

Right.

Oh, I'm so excited.

What, like, you live in
this building, right?

Do you know who this is?

That's Dennis Phillips!
I know.

And he brings you a fern!

What a sweet guy.

He lives in the building!

Dennis Phillips lives
in your own building!

I can't believe this.

Listen, now,

on Mondays, I'll come over,

we'll discuss
the games together.

Hey, I'm Burt.
How're you doing?

[WHISPERING]

What?

But you're Dennis Phillips,
the quarterback.

I know.

Oh... Let go
of my hand!

Listen, uh... Why don't we,
uh, get out of here?

We got... The truck's
waiting for us downstairs,

and, uh...

And Jodie's got
all his friends here.

He's got his girlfriend.

He's got his boyfriend.

Oh, let's get out...

I'm also planning
on writing a book,

on prison reform,

but I don't really

know what prison reform is,

but since I'm gonna
be here so long,

I'll certainly have
time to find out.

So you see, Mary,
everything's fine.

Oh, Jessie, you are incredible.

You could find the good
in absolutely anything.

Oh, well, Mary, I look for it.

I look for it.

Uh-oh.

What is it?

Oh, Mary...

What is it, Jess?

Sex.

Sex?

Mary, do you realize

that prisons are full of men
and women

who aren't getting any sex?

Well, no wonder criminals say
"You'll never take me alive."

Mary, what am I going to do?

Well, uh, Jess,

I think that you're just

going to have to do without it.

Are you crazy?

I do.

You still do?

Well, at first, Burt couldn't,
and then I wouldn't,

and then he could,
and now I would,

but now he can't,
because he's never home.

Where is he?

Well, he's working very hard
lately,

and by the time he gets home,
I'm asleep.

I think I'll put these in water.

Mary, I know
what you're thinking.

But just because
Chester always told me

he was working late

when, actually,
he was fooling around,

you don't have to think

that Burt's doing
the same thing.

I wasn't thinking
anything like that.

Yes, you were.

No, I wasn't.

Of course you were!

Oh, Mary, look,
in the first place,

Chester could not possibly
have been working late,

because he was a stockbroker,

and, of course, the stockmarket
closes at in the afternoon.

Burt, on the other hand,
is in construction.

Jessie... they don't
put up buildings at night.

Well, Chester was always tired.

Now, that's another
very good clue, Mary.

Enormous fatigue.

Burt's tired.

Oh, well...

That's because of all
of his physical activity.

I bet!

Mary, the man
works with his hands.

I'm sure he does.

Mary, Burt is not
having an affair,

if that's what you're thinking.

Jessica.
Hmm?

How can they do this to you?

I've never seen such
a miscarriage of justice.

My poor, sweet Jessica.

I love you...
hair!

It's the most beautiful color
I've ever seen.

What would you call it?

Red.

Oh, red.

I think I'll go now.

Uh...

I'll see you tomorrow, Jess.

Who says there's no sex
in prison?

Jessica?

Mm?

I'll find him.

I promise you, I will find him.

Who?

The k*ller.

I'll find him.

As God is my judge,
I'll find him.

I'll go
to the ends of the earth.

I'll sail every sea,
climb every mountain,

look in every corner
of the world.

Well, be extra safe
and get a typhoid sh*t.

You will have a reaction to it,

but it'll be worth it,

because then you won't
have to worry

about every little foreign thing

you put in your mouth.

Oh, Jessica, Jessica,
what are we going to do?

You dear, brave, sweet woman.

I love you...
eyes!

"I love you, eyes"?

See you tomorrow, Jess.

I love you suit.

How are you,
Mrs. Tate?

Okay.

I brought you some food.

I know you can't eat the stuff

they got here.

Oh, thank you, Benson.

That's very nice of you.

Mm-hmm.
Are you okay?

I'm fine.
You sure?

Yes.

Positive?

No.

I'm scared, Benson.

I mean, every once in a while
it just kind of hits me:

I'm on my way to the big home
for a...

House. House.

Big house.

You're right.

Yeah, for a m*rder
I did not commit.

I mean, me, Benson.

This is not Barbara Feldon
in that movie of the week...

Eden, Barbara Eden.

Right.

And here I am,
and it isn't a movie,

and it isn't Barbara Eden
in the slam,

but me.

Slammer.

Time's up.

Well, guess we'd better
say goodbye, Benson.

Yeah, I guess.

Goodbye, Benson.

Oh, Benson...

Not you.

You've got to be strong.

I mean, if you fall apart,

there's not going
to be anybody left.

Yeah.

I'll see you soon.

Goodbye, Benson.

Goodbye, Mrs. Tate.

Now, you promised.
Be nice.

Hey, of course I'm gonna
be nice to her.

What do you think
your mother is?

I wouldn't be nice

to the girl you're gonna marry?

Oh...

Dearie, I made some paté.

I hope you like it.

Most people claim

that they spit
the paté out in France,

once they've tasted mine.

But what do they know
in East Orange, right?

Honey, get me some napkins.

Oh, what a lovely dress.

Oh. Ooh, that's lovely.

It's very lovely.

You've ruined my life, you slut!

I hate you!

Oh, that paté should
lodge in your windpipe!

Oh, you have ruined my life!

Hey, Ma!

I'm sorry.

Oh... I lost my head.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

I have a kidney infection.

Maybe that's it.

Oh, all that poison
circulating in my body.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

[CROAKING] Yeah, I'm fine.

Oh.

So...

I still don't know
very much about you,

except what I've heard around...

that your mother
is an adultress,

and your father's an embezzler,

and you bimbo,

you've probably had more men

than the whole Marine corp!

You have ruined my life!

You...

Ma! Ma!

[GRUNTING]

You want my blessing?

Is that what you came for?

I'll give you my blessing.

This is my blessing.

May you never have
a happy moment again

for the rest of your life.

And if you marry,

may you know no such thing
as peace and quiet.

May you only know hardship
and suffering and loss,

and may you know that,
to your dying day,

whatever misfortunes happen

are on your heads!

[SLAMS DOOR]

I can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Actually, she took it
better than I thought.

Hello, hello...

Jess...
How are you doing?

You look beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

How are you, darling?

Well, I'm a little nervous.

I mean, after all,

it isn't every day
that a girl gets sentenced.

Hear, ye. Hear, ye.

This court is now in session,

the Honorable Anthony Petrillo
presiding.

Everybody...

Everybody, please stand.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Be seated.

Will the defendant please rise?

He just told me to be seated.

Now, Mrs. Tate,

you have been found guilty
of m*rder in the first degree.

Have you anything to say
before I pronounce sentence?

Yes.

I didn't do this.

I'm innocent.

But...

if the person is here

who did it,

please, help me.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, I'm going
to close my eyes now...

Nobody will be embarrassed.

Well, there doesn't seem to be

a great traffic jam
to the bench,

so I'll go on.

Mrs. Tate,

you have what some people
would perceive

as certain advantages:

you are white, and you are rich.

If the sentence is light,

the court will be besieged
with complaints

from the poor and black.

Therefore,

in order
not to appear prejudiced,

and to be fair
in the writing of a sentence,

I've ignored the fact
that you are white and rich

and have pretended
that you are poor and black.

I sentence you
to years in prison,

eligible for parole in years.

I object, Your Honor.

This sentence is unfair
and excessive.

Objection overruled.

Court is adjourned.

[♪]

Wait!

Wait, everybody.
She didn't do it!

[GAVEL BANGING]
Order in the court!

Mr. Tate,
what are you talking about?

I did it.

[GALLEY GASPS]

Isn't he sweet?

No, I really did it.

Mr. Tate,
that was a very nice gesture.

Now, sit down.

It wasn't a gesture.

I m*rder*d Peter Campbell.

Mr. Tate,
the jury convicted Mrs. Tate.

I don't care.

I k*lled Peter Campbell.

And I can prove it.

[♪]

Jessica...

I hope you can understand.

Understand?

How can I understand, Chester?

I mean,

I was in jail for what I thought

would be at least a lifetime,

away from my family
and away from home.

I find out
that my husband set me up,

and you hope
that I can understand?

Well, Chester,

I just don't understand

how you can expect me
to understand.

No, you're right.
I can't expect you to.

All I know is, Jess,
and I swear it...

I don't remember anything
of what I did.

I guess it was so horrible
that I blocked it out somehow.

Not only do I not remember it,

I still don't know why I did it,

and I only remembered it
when the pot fell on my head.

A pot fell on your head?

Well, that's a long story, Jess.

Chester, are you asking me

to believe
that you k*lled someone,

made it look like I did it,

and you don't remember a thing
about what you did

until a pot fell on your head?

I guess that is asking a lot.

I love you, Jess.

Hello, everybody.

See? I told you

I wouldn't lose this case.

Listen, I've got to
hand it to you, Tate.

It was really big of you

the way you spoke up.

Really big.

BAILIFF: Time's up,
Tate. Let's go.

Chester...

I'll see you tomorrow.

I can't believe it.

In one fell swoop,

all our problems are over.

You're out, he's in.

You must handle his appeal.

That's a good idea.
That way, he'll never get out.

What do you mean?

What mean is, darling,

I'll make sure
he stays in prison forever.

And then it's you and me,
just you and me.

I don't believe it!

Neither do I.
It's such incredible luck!

Get out! Just...

Get out!

Okay.

You've got a lot
on your mind right now.

I'll tell you what.

I'll call you later.

See you, baby.

What are you doing?
It's : in the morning.

I can't sleep.
I'm making spaghetti.

Spaghetti? You couldn't make
something simple?

The refrigerator's
full of fruit.

I'm really in the mood
for spaghetti.

You want to talk about it?

Spaghetti?

What's bothering you, Billy?

Oh, nothing.

My dad k*lled someone
and framed my mom,

but aside from that,
everything's fine.

Listen, I'm not crazy
about your father.

You know that.

In fact, I think I'd be
the last person in the world

to say anything nice about him.

But I got to say this:
he did confess.

He didn't let her fry.

Big deal.

So he's an honest m*rder*r.

What are you doing up?

It's : in the morning.

We're making spaghetti.

We are not making spaghetti.

You are making spaghetti.

In the middle of the night?
What are you, crazy?

Well, what are you doing?

I'm making something to eat.

What is this?
"Making something to eat."

The refrigerator's full
of fruit.

I don't want fruit.

I'm making chocolate mousse.

I thought you were on a diet.

I am making dietetic
chocolate mousse.

"Dietetic chocolate mousse."
Right.

How do you make dietetic
chocolate mousse?

It's easy.

You make chocolate mousse,

and then you don't eat it.

You're not going to eat it?

Not all of it.

Anyway, what do I care?

I'm too upset
to care what I eat.

So I gain pounds?

My father k*lled someone,

set up my mother,

and I'm gonna count calories?

Look at this one.

She's so upset,

she's not even cooking.

What are you eating?

I don't know.

I think it's chili.

You're eating cold chili?

I don't care.

I'm too upset to care.

You know, some people,
when they're upset,

can't eat a thing.

I wish I was one of those.

So do I.

I can't believe it.

It's like a nightmare.

Daddy k*lled somebody.

He's a m*rder*r.

Our father is a m*rder*r.

Well, strange people
do strange things,

and your father's certainly
a strange man, so, you know...

He's a m*rder*r, Benson.

I just wonder
if it's hereditary, you know,

like, if it's in the genes.

Like, I've already

inherited a little asthma

and a large chest.

The idea of m*rder
doesn't thrill me.

Hey, it could be worse.
You could be her.

She has a lot of asthma
and a little chest.

Oh!

Everyone's up.

Well, I...

I just thought
that I'd come down

and make something to eat.

Have some fruit.

No, I don't think so.

I think I'm going
to make my own snack.

Well, what are you doing?

Me?

I'm in the mood for turkey.

But it's frozen.

Well, it'll thaw out
when I cook it.

Yeah, in about two days.

Oh, well, I wanted something
to eat before then.

Well, have some fruit.

No, I don't want any fruit.

You're really pushing the fruit.

Well, it's just that I buy it

and nobody eats it.

In a few days,
I open the refrigerator

and it's full of little
brown, furry, wrinkled things.

Billy, did you put your hamsters
in the refrigerator?

Rotten fruit
is in the refrigerator.

Rotten fruit?

Benson, you mustn't buy
rotten fruit.

Well, on second thought,

I don't think I'll eat anything.

I lost my appetite.

Guess you're all waiting
for me to say something.

I'm waiting for you
to give me the turkey.

I don't know what to say

except that, no matter what,

I still love your father.

But, Ma, he k*lled somebody
and he framed you.

Well, it certainly
does look that way.

Oh, I wish I were Donna Reed.

I mean, Donna Reed

would have something
wonderful to say.

Or even Shirley Jones,
for that matter.

She'd have something
just as good to say,

and maybe even
fresh-baked cookies.

Or Loretta Young.

Of course, she wouldn't

have anything wonderful to say,

but she would make
a stunning entrance.

Well, I'm going to make
a stunning exit.

Good night.

Good night, Benson.

I just don't believe
that it's as simple as it seems.

I mean, I don't believe

that you live half your life
with a man

and not really know him.

Your father is a good man.

You all loved him
when he was here

for birthdays and Christmas.

You loved him

when he took you
to the ballet...

when he bought you
your first tie...

you loved him
when he taught you to swim

and drive the car.

Remember?

I mean, you all loved him

all those years
that he was here for you.

I just think that

if you really love your father,
you'll love him now.

, .

, .

, .

, .

, .

It's Thursday.

I can't go on like this.

I can't go on
being alone like this.

That's why I have
to keep talking to myself.

Oh, if only a bird
would fly in to keep me company.

It would be so nice.

I remember
how it helped Burt Lancaster.

Roommate, Tate.

Oh, thank God.
Somebody to talk to.

Hello.

Welcome.

Oh, you don't know
how happy I am to see you.

You just don't know
how happy I am.

Shut up.

Oh, well, yes, of course.
I'm sorry.

You're not happy to be here.

That's terrible of me to say

that I'm happy that you're here.

You see, what I mean is...

Uh... Oh, excuse me,
that's mine.

Not anymore, it ain't.

Ah, yes. I see.

Well, what will I shave with?

Every morning,

I'll rub your face
against the wall.

You'll rub my face
against the wall?

Oh. Oh, I see.

They've given me
a funny roommate.

I like that.

You'll rub my face
against the w...

I want that tooth.
The gold one.

Open up.

You mean mine?
My gold tooth? Mine?

You're a funny fellow.
I like your sense of humor.

What do you expect me to do?
Rip it out?

Right.

What are you in for?

m*rder. I'm wanted
in states.

m*rder? Oh, my God!

Who did they put me in with?

Guard! Guard!

What are you in here for?

Huh?

m*rder.

Ho, ho, ho!

[LAUGHING]

What's so funny?

m*rder. You?

That's right.

What did you do?
Bore somebody to death?

Yeah...

Aah!

What's so funny?

You.

Oh, no. Not you.

No, no. Uh, what you said.

That cute little thing
you said about my being boring.

You laugh when
I tell you to laugh,

you understand?

All right. Entertain me. Dance.

I beg your pardon?

Dance.

Dance?

You mean...

La-de-da dance?

I mean dance now

or you're going to have trouble
walking later.

Oh, yes, dance, dance.

That kind of dance.

Uh...
Well, I may be a little rusty.

What would you like?

Tap? Ballet?

A little Martha Graham, maybe?

I can't dance.
I can't just dance.

I...

I need music.

Sing.

♪ Picture you upon my knee ♪

♪ Tea for two And two for tea ♪

Don't touch me.

Who?

You lay one finger on me,
and I'll break it off.

What?

Coming home at in the morning.

I was working.

Really?
What are you, a night watchman?

Dumb.

Uh, Mary,

uh, what are you talking about?

What am I talking about?
What am I talking about?

I will tell you

what I'm talking about.

I am talking about

all these weeks
we haven't made love

because you've been working
until : in the morning.

And I was stupid enough
to believe it.

Well, now I know
what you've really been doing

till : in the morning, Burt.

I figured it out,

and it's not work.

What is it?

You don't know?

No.

How can you not know?
You're the one that's doing it.

Doing what?

Having an affair.

I am?

Yes.

With who?

I don't know who.

Well, I mean,
am I having a good time?

Why can't you just admit it?

Because it's not true, Mary.

Good night, Mary.

You are going to sleep?

Yes.

You have got some nerve,
you know that?

You k*ll my husband,

you become impotent,

then you become invisible
and get yourself committed.

I stand by you
through all of that,

and as soon as you get better,
you go out and have an affair.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah?

Well, if I'm out
having an affair

till :
in the morning,

why, when I get home,

do I wake you up to make love?

Come on, why in the world
would I do that?

To trick me.

Uh, that's...
Good night, Mary.

It's just like the married man
who was having an affair

and had to... to eat two dinners
every night,

one with his mistress
and one with his wife.

Of course, he became a fat slob,
and they both dumped him.

Served him right.

Wake up, Burt!

What are you doing?

I'm sleeping downstairs.

Why?

Because I'm getting mad.

You can't be mad.

What do you mean I can't be mad?

You're the one
that's having the affair.

I'm the one that's mad.

Uh, you, Mary, are a dope.

Oh!

That's what you are.
A real dope.

First of all,
I'm not having an affair.

I am not having an affair,
nor do I want to have an affair.

And if I was having an affair,

I would be
a hell of a lot smarter

than to have it
at : in the morning

and tell you I was working.

I'd have my affair

at a totally different
time of day,

a time of day
when you wouldn't be suspicious,

and I wouldn't be so sleepy.

Yeah, I have been coming home
at : in the morning, Mary,

because I've been k*lling myself
working to make a better life

for us.

That's what I've been doing.

All day, I'm up in the girders

supervising every job.

At night I'm in the office,

uh-huh,
doing paper work.

I got bills, payrolls,
invoices...

Uh, don't cry, Mary,
like you always do when I'm mad

so I'll stop yelling,

because it's not going to work.

[SNIFFLES]

[MOANS] Yeow! I knew it.
I hate it.

I can't help it.

I've been so upset
about everything...

Danny, Jodie, the Tates.

I... I don't know what to think
anymore, and that's why...

[SNIFFLES]

Oh...

Blow your nose.

[SNIFFS]

[GROANS] Blow out, Mary, not in.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I said all those
terrible things, but...

everyone else I love

is either in jail
or getting out of jail

or getting married or moving out

and so...
I figured why not you too.

I mean, every time
you look at me,

I am crying.

I'm not exactly

the most enchanting woman
in the world

these days.

You are to me.

How can I be?

Because I love you.

I don't know why.

Oh...

You... You don't know why?

You?

You blow your nose in
instead of out.

You pull all the covers

over to your side

when you sleep.

You take food off my plate,

and you have never, ever,
ironed one of my shirts

correctly.

And I think that
that's all adorable.

If I didn't love you,

I would have divorced you
by now.

And that's how I know.

I just love you.

Burt...

I'm a dope.

I love you.

I iron your shirts terrible?

Yeah. It's all right.

No, no.
I want the truth.

I do an awful job?

Yeah, Mary,
it's really terrible.

Shirts are not so easy.

I know.

They have collars.
Did you know that?

You should try
ironing the collars...

It's all right.
Mary, stop, don't.

We'll send the shirts out.

[FEEBLY]
♪ You start to bake A sugar cake ♪

♪ For me to take
For all the boys to see... ♪

Tate.

[LOUDER]
♪ We will raise a family ♪

♪ A boy for you ♪

♪ A girl for me ♪

♪ Can't you see
How happy we will be? ♪

Jess.

Chester.

It's so nice to see you
enjoying prison life.

I mean, there I was at home
worried sick about him,

and here he is
singing and dancing.

I brought you some food.

If I'd known you had a roommate,

I would have brought more.

Oh, that's okay.

He's not having any.

Oh? Why?

Upset stomach.

Oh, dear.

[WHISPERS] They put me in
with a k*ller.

Well, of course they did, dear.

I imagine they do it
like computer dating.

You two
have a great deal in common.

Jess, I'm not a k*ller.

Now, Chester, I know you don't
think of yourself as a k*ller.

I'm sure you consider yourself
primarily a stockbroker.

Nonetheless, Chester...

I... I did k*ll Peter.
There's no denying that.

It's just...

it's all so confusing.

I know it is, dear.

And we know there's more to this
than meets the eye,

and I want you to know, Chester,

we're all standing by you.

Thank you, Jess.

Now, while you're here,

I want you to volunteer for work
in the prison laundry.

The laundry?

Mm. That way you'll come out
with a skill.

You see, darling,
when you do get out,

I think the idea
of going back to Wall Street

is out of the question.

Time's up.

Oh, dear. Goodbye.

I'll see you next week.

Ta.

You can forget about
seeing her next week.

What do you mean?

You ain't gonna be here
next week.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Please don't.

Oh, please,
I beg you. No....

Get up off your knees, Tate,

for God's sake.

I can't believe you're in here

for m*rder.

Listen. Tomorrow,
I'm escaping.

You are?

I'll miss you.

You're coming with me, Tate,

as a shield.

This way, when they start
sh**ting at me,

I got you to put in front of me.

I'm not going.
You are.

I'll tell the guard.

[MOCKING] I'll tell the guard.

You're coming with me, Tate!

I am not.
You are too.

No way.
You're coming, Tate.

Absolutely not.

Then I'll k*ll you.

When do we leave?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.

Well, did you see Elaine?

Yeah. I did everything
you told me to.

Exactly like we rehearsed?

You know it.

You told her
that you were impotent?

Right.

I told her that, uh,
I had this family disease,

and I finally just caught it
the other day,

and that is she wanted
to marry me,

she'd have absolutely
nothing to look forward to

in the bed department.
Great.

So what happened?

[SIGHS] Girl knows
a lot of tricks.

Danny.

She took me by surprise.

So now we have to pick out
presents for the ushers.

Yeah.

Hey, why should I worry?

I mean at the rate
she's got me going,

I won't live to see October.

I gotta go to work.
I'll see you later.

All right. Give my love to Mom.

Yeah.

Oh, did I just miss
a very popular sports figure?

It happened to have been Danny.

Really?

You mean it wasn't
the Rose Bowl Queen?

Carol, what is it with you?

Nothing.

I just had no idea

that when we took
an apartment together

it would be like living
in the Continental baths.

Carol, I've had it with you.

We had an arrangement.

I told you I was going
to live my own life.

I know. Look it, I'm sorry.

It's just that I never see you.

I saw more of you
when we weren't living together.

Jodie, I just miss you,
that's all.

I miss spending time with you.

Please, don't be mad.

Listen, how about I apologize

by fixing us a really
terrific dinner tonight?

I'll fix your
favorite meal, okay?

What's your favorite meal?

Or we could go out,
if you'd rather go out.

My treat, okay?

Oh, or I could cook. Whatever.

Uh, I can't tonight.

Oh. Oh, okay. Sure.

Some other time, then.

Another night.
There's lots of nights.

Carol, is something wrong?

No. No.

You're sure?

Right. Sure.

Okay. I've got to get dressed.

Carol, uh...

you're sure nothing's wrong?

I am positive
there is nothing wrong.

There's nothing wrong,
nothing at all.

I'm just...
pregnant with your child.

And now,
coming attractions of Soap.

[WHISPERS] Go ahead.
Jump, Tate.

After you.

Okay.

I always thought I'd love
the girl I married.

I always thought
the girl you married

would be a little like me,

but Elaine...

She's a pig.

Hey, you're very pretty.

Listen, you...

If you came up here
intending to r*pe me,

let me tell you right now
it's not gonna be any fun at all

because I'll spit in your face.

How do you two guys
like working together?

Oh, it's terrific.

Great.

Sure. One's got a flea brain.

The invisible man's got
none at all.

[YELPING]

Father Tim,
what are you doing here?

I'm getting married.
Didn't you know, Father?

You mean priests can marry now?

I don't believe this.

Don't sit! Don't sit!

Uh, Sally?

Ah...

Uh, Sally...
what are you doing back there?

Nothing.

That's a nice touch.
A real nice touch.

A little hair massage and a...

Ooh...

That's nice...
Whoo! Oh, hey, ho!

What about sex?

Carol, I promise you
that if we get married,

I'll never
touch another man again.

Jodie is going to be a father.

Dennis is pregnant?

All this and much more
in future episodes of...

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]