02x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

In last week's episode of Soap,

Carol told Jodie

she'd love to marry him.

But Carol's father was
not in love with the idea.

Chester is coming home
to his loved ones

and would love it if he knew
who they were.

Mary's professor would love
to see more of Mary...

but Mary would love it

if her professor would
leave her alone.

Burt has met Mary's professor

and would love Mary
to leave school.

Eunice would love
to see more of Dutch,

who she loves, but she can't,

because Dutch is
running from the police

who would love to catch him.

Elaine told Danny she loves him

and hopes it's not too late
for him to love her too.

Danny would love to love her.

And Sally told Burt
she loves him,

and she'd love to be his lover.

Confused?

You won't be after
this week's episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate,

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

So you see, colonel,
if we leave before dusk,

we could seize and destroy
that bunker.

And that would be
a good thing to do, you say.

It's the only logical step

in the liberation of France.

Bentley...

Could you help me?
Sure.

My wife
will be down in a moment.

Oh.
What does she look like?

Dumpy broad, short black hair...

nose like a fish.

What's her name?

Eric.

Thanks.

The bunker, colonel.

Major, are you sure
that I'm "Colonel" Tate?

Positive, sir.

Boland...

What is that?
Steak.

It's burnt!

You like it that way.

Good morning, darling.

Ah, Monica. Right?

Jessica.

Chester, dear.
I'm your wife.

You are? Hey, great.

We get along, don't we?

Yes.

How are you feeling today, Dad?

Dad?

I just introduced myself to him
in the bathroom.

But darling,
he only remembers things

for a little while.

About five seconds.

This is Billy, Chester.

Oh... Billy Chester.

No, I'm your son, Billy.

My son? My own son.

Oh, what a wonderful thing.

A son, Geraldine.

A fine, strong son.

Oh, Billy...

[STRONG VOICE] Bill.

♪ My boy, Bill ♪

♪ Will be as strong
And as tall as a tree ♪

♪ My Bill ♪

Have a seat, son.

Smoke?

No, thanks.

Keep it from the rest
of the troops,

but the colonel is a lunatic.

Good morning.

Good morning.
Have we met?

Begging the colonel's pardon,
sir,

but what about our mission?

Oh! Oh, quite right, major.
Quite right.

Promise me you'll be here
when I return, Marjorie.

Yes.

Well, I'm off.

I'll say.

♪ When Johnny comes
Marching home again ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

A real loony.

Mother, what are we
gonna do about Daddy?

What do you mean?

I think he needs to be somewhere

where he can get proper care.

He can't get that here.

Maybe there's some place

that has some sort of therapy
that could help him.

Oh, Eunice.

You mean put Daddy away...
in an institution?

But darling, the doctor said

that he might snap out of it
any time.

And maybe not.

Eunice, I don't
want him to come out of it

with a bunch of strangers.

I mean, if he looks up

and sees a bunch of faces
he doesn't recognize,

he might not know
he's come out of it.

[expl*si*n]

Dad and Gramps just blew up
Mr. Kirby's garage.

Mr. Kirby's going
to be very upset.

Especially since he was
parking his car at the time.

Here it is.
I packed it up for you.

Thanks.

I think everything is here.

Great. Uh, before I forget,

I wanna give you back your key.

Why don't you keep it?

What am I gonna do with it?

Well, you never know.
Maybe someday, you'll...

Then I'll ring the bell.

Just because
you're getting married

doesn't mean we have to stop...

It does.

Come on.

My blue v-neck. You know,
I thought I lost that.

Listen, you know
a lot of guys have mistresses.

You'll have me.

But that is not mine, Dennis.

That is yours.

No, it isn't.

Well, it's not mine.

Sure, it is. You bought it
at the flea market.

Dennis, never in my life
have I bought a ceramic hippo.

It's yours.

Why is it mine?
Because you hate it?

Fine. It's not yours, it's mine.

I love it.
I wish I had two.

All right, I'll keep the hippo.

If you think she won't like
the hippo, I'll take it.

It has nothing to do with her.

Hey,
it doesn't go with her decor.

I understand.

It clashes with Early Uptight.

Goodbye, Dennis.

Jodie, wait. I'm
sorry. Please, wait.

What do you want me to do,
crawl?

I mean, I rebuff you
just one little time...

Rebuffed?

You got married.

Well, still, how long are you
gonna make me pay for it?

That's not what I'm doing,
Dennis.

That's not what I'm doing
at all.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me
you're marrying Carol

because you've
suddenly gone straight.

No, I'm marrying her
partly because I should

and partly because I want to.

And what about us?
I thought you loved me.

I do.

Then how can you marry her?

Dennis, she's having my baby.

So she's having your baby.
So what?

And, anyway,
how do you know it's yours?

It's mine.

I mean, it could be anybody's.

It probably is.

Dennis, come on.

Jodie, the little slut
has got more guys jumping her

than the hurdles.

And you're gonna
be the jerk that supports her.

Well, I hope you're happy
with spit-up on your shoulder

and a milkman with your wife.

[GRUNTS]

[WHISPERS] Eunice.

Eunice!

Damn!

[YELLS] Dutch!

[WHISPERS] Eunice, is that you?

[LOWERS VOICE]
Who is it, please?

What do you mean, who is it?
It's me.

[SCREAMS] Dutch!

Eunice, keep it down, will you?

We don't want the whole
world to know we're up here.

Oh, it's okay.
Only Mrs. Mendelbaum knows.

Who's Mrs. Mendelbaum?

She's the super
of this building.

She buzzed me in.
Didn't she buzz you in?

Eunice,
I just escaped from prison.

Nobody has to buzz me in.

Eunice, what are you
doing on that roof?

You said to meet you on a roof.

So here I am, on a roof...
meeting.

Eunice, I said
Delancey Street.

You're on Delancey Street!

You said Delancey Street.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.
You said Delaney Street.

I know this

because your birthday is
August th.

Eight-sixteen, see?

Eunice, my birthday is
August the th.

Oh! Oh...

Well, Dutch,
come over to my roof, okay?

No, Eunice. It's
better this way...

because this is goodbye.

What?

This is goodbye.

Are you crazy?

You call me down to a slum
in the middle of the night

for goodbye?

Well, yeah.

I come down here
on a subway full of flashers,

right into the middle
of junkie heaven for goodbye?

Stay right there, Dutch.

Don't move from your roof.

I'm coming right over there
to push you off.

Eunice! Eunice!
This is crazy.

You can't be involved with me.
It's no good for you.

And if I'm with you,
I'm gonna get caught.

Don't worry about it.

In another two minutes,
you're gonna be dead!

Eunice! Don't try
to come across there.

You could fall!
[WHIMPERING]

Eunice? Eunice,
what is it?

I'm scared of heights, Dutch.

Stay right there.

Oh, I feel nauseous.

Don't move.

What if I throw up?

Don't look down.

Oh, I hate you!

Eunice, I love you.

Yeah, you love me so much
you're leaving me.

But I'm doing it for you.

I'm leaving you for you.

Don't do me any favors.

I don't want you to leave me.
I hate you.

No, I don't. I love you.

Okay. Okay.
I won't do it.

I'll take you with me.
Oh...

[SCREAMING]

Dutch.
Eunice.

Oh, Dutch...

Eunice, we're six stories up.

We can't make love in mid-air.

What do you think,
I'm a dragonfly?

Back up, honey.

Okay, darling.

Listen, here's the plan.

My grandmother
has a little farm,

upstate New York.

Now, nobody knows it's there.

I'm gonna give you my directions
how to get there.

And you read 'em very carefully.

And I'll be there
tomorrow night.

Oh, Dutch!

A farm, our own little farm!

Oh, I'm so happy.

Oh...

Honey?

Yes, darling.
Let go.

Here. Here's
the directions.

Here.

Now, you come as soon
as you can.

Okay. Goodbye, my darling,
and be careful.

Ah, don't hug me.
Just kiss me.

I'd better go.

And remember, mum's the word.

Okay. Shh.

Mum's the word.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SHOUTING]
Mrs. Mendelbaum!

Where is it?

I smelled it
coming up the driveway!

Oh! I love popcorn.

You know, when I go
to the movies,

it's just to eat the popcorn.

I don't care what's playing.

Me too.

You know, one day
when you were years old,

I gave you some popcorn,

and you shoved it
up your little nose.

It wasn't a sad story.
What's the matter?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, Corinne.
Oh, That's wonderful!

I mean,
that is really wonderful.

No?

It's a terrible time
to have a baby.

Tim can't find a job,
and we're living here.

He's so depressed.

How can I have a baby
when everything's wrong?

You mean you want to wait
until everything's right?

You might never have a baby.

But you see...

when I thought of me pregnant,

I kind of pictured it
differently, you know.

Like, I pictured

a little Cape Cod house
with a vegetable garden,

and Tim going off to work,

and me fixing food

in my little country kitchen.

The only thing I got
right was the food.

It's just not how I pictured it.

Nothing ever is.

Do you think it would be wrong
if I didn't have the baby?

It isn't a question of wrong.

But I do think
that if you don't want a baby,

then you shouldn't have a baby.

[SIGHS]

You know what?

I think you want the baby.

I do.

It's just...
I'm afraid to have a baby

when we have nothing.

Oh... you have
more than nothing.

I mean,
you may not have the kitchen

and the garden and the house,
but you have Tim.

He loves you very much.

That's much better than
a Cape Cod kitchen, Corinne.

It's a Cape Cod house, Ma.

Much better
than a Cape Cod house, Corinne.

I know.

Why do you want
to live on Cape Cod?

I mean, it's very damp, Corinne.

You're never gonna
have a nice hairdo.

I don't wanna live on Cape Cod.

Then why do you want
a house there?

It's a type of house, Ma.

Oh.

You're scared, aren't you?

You know, every time
I was pregnant, I was scared.

I was always afraid

I wouldn't know
how to be a mother...

although I already was a mother.

But I was always scared

that I wouldn't know
how to do it.

And I did it.

Do you think
I'd be a good mother?

Oh, you'll be
a wonderful mother...

Like me.

It's kind of exciting, you know?

I know.

I'm gonna have a baby.

You told me.

A baby!

A baby!

My baby is going to have a baby.

Now, I don't want you to think

that I started that train strike

just to drive you home.

Thanks for the ride.

You have incredible eyes.

No, they cross.

Listen, I've got a headache.

Could I trouble you
for some aspirin?

I don't think we have any.

Could you look?

Oh, yes. Wait right here.

Hello...

Oh...
Hi.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

We thought we were alone.
Obviously.

Hi.

Hey, Ma.

Sit down.

Professor Martins
was just having some aspirin,

and then he's leaving, so sit.

Oh, no, no, it's okay.
We really have to go.

Oh, don't
be silly. Stay.

There's no reason to leave.

Oh, no, that's okay.

We have tickets
to go see Chorus Line.

Oh, forget it.
It's a terrible play.

It got awful reviews.

Don't waste your
time. Stay here.

But Ma, Chorus Line
has been a hit

for a couple of years.

Oh, Chorus Line.

Yeah.

I thought you said Conga Line.

Because Conga Line
was a terrible play.

No, it's Chorus Line
we're seeing.

Good night, Ma.

Good night, Mare.
Good night.

Good night, professor.

Good night. Good night.

Well, did the devil
and Miss Jones leave?

Hi, Chuck. Hello, Bob.
How are you?

Uh, right now?

How do you say...
looking for action.

No, we were...

just on our way out, Mary.

Oh, no, don't go.
Stay.

Sit down. Let's chat
for a while.

Oh, not tonight, Mary.
Not tonight.

Because tonight
I got me a date with a doll.

How was the aspirin?

Oh, fine. Fine.

Good.

Well, good night.

Oh, so soon?

Good night.

How'd you get that?

What, my neck or...

No, that... that scar.

Oh, oh, that. Well, uh...

when my sister and I were young,

we saw this Errol Flynn movie,

and we were practicing a duel
with coat hangers, and she won.

Oh, how horrible. Horrible.

Well, it happened
over years ago.

I'm over the initial shock.

Anatole!

What in the world are you doing?

Well, I'm just attracted to you,

and I can't help
showing my feelings.

Well, I can't help showing

my feelings either.

Get out.
Mary...

Anatole, please.

What are you doing?
No, wait.

[SCREAMS]

Well, I'm not just gonna
stand here.

I'll go tell him...

I'll tell him what?

Look, Burt, do something.

Do... what can I do? Do what?

Oh, God! Get me away from here.

Oh, boy!

Well, you are lucky

my husband wasn't here
to see this,

because you would
not be alive to groan.

Get out!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Burt...

Come in.

[SLURS WORDS]
I didn't know who else to call.

Well, what happened?

You said "any time."

That's right.

Any time, anywhere, any place...

Well, I know it's late,
but here I am anyhow.

Burt, What happened?

Nothing much.

I went home and found Mary
and her professor...

Mary and her pro...

I found Mary
and her professor...

[GRUMBLING]

Oh, no.

Yeah. I didn't know
what to do.

I didn't know
whether to burst in or what.

I felt like bursting in.

I was so angry,

but I didn't know what to do
once I burst in.

I mean, I wasn't gonna k*ll him,
so why burst in?

What was I gonna do?

Burst in,
put out some Taco chips,

and talk about it?

So I just went into a bar,

and I had a drink...
or .

It's okay, though,

because I hold my liquor
very well.

Hey!

Hey, maybe it was the professor
and some other woman.

Maybe Mary loaned them
the couch.

There.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[WHISTLES]

That wasn't
very strong, though, Sal.

That was ginger ale, Burt.

I think you've had enough.

Hey, you know what?

It was probably the upholsterer.

Mary wanted new slipcovers
for the couch,

and he was getting a look at it.

An upholsterer who looked
like the professor,

getting a good look
at the couch...

on top of Mary.

I'm gonna k*ll him!
I'm gonna break...

Crazy place for a table.

Who put the table in here?

Burt, you're not going home.

You're too drunk,
and you're too upset.

What's he do?

What's he do,
recite poetry to her?

Is that the big attraction?

Is that what does it,
a little poetry?

A guy comes along,
tells you your eyes are pools...

off comes the pantyhose?

Is that what I have
to go through life

worried about?

Guys who rhyme their way
into my marriage?

I can't believe
she did that to you.

I mean, I just can't believe it.

Well, if you can't believe it,

can you imagine the trouble
I'm having here?

How could she ever do that
to you?

If I was married to you,

I'd never even look
at another man.

You wouldn't?

Oh, are you kidding?

Doesn't she know
how lucky she is?

She should thank God
she has you.

Instead, she's off...
God! That makes me sick.

How could she do that to you?

And in your own house, no less.

And on our couch.

On your couch.

I picked that couch out.

You didn't.

The color,
I picked out the color.

It's a good color.
It goes with everything.

Oh, it's going with everything
now.

Oh, Mary...

I never thought
she would do that.

I mean, how could she do
what she's doing?

And now what am I gonna do

now that she's done
what she did?

[SIGHS] Oh, God.

It's who I married...

I wanna die.

Burt, you can't leave.

I could,
if I could find the door.

You're in absolutely
no condition to go anywhere.

You're sleeping here tonight.

Where?

On the couch.

Oh, well,
as long as it's on the couch.

With me.

[♪]

Will Eunice be happy
living on a farm with Dutch?

Will Jodie be happy with Carol?

Or will he be unhappy
without Dennis?

How happy will Tim be

when he finds out
Corinne is pregnant?

Will Burt make Sally happy?

And if he does,
how happy will that make Burt?

Will Mary be happy

studying English
in the professor's class...

or should
she take karate instead?

For the sake
of everyone's happiness,

should Jessica put Chester away?

Or should she let him
go through life

as a happy-go-lucky idiot?

These questions and many others

will be answered on next week's
episode of... Soap.

[♪]

Soap was videotaped
before a studio audience.