02x20 - Episode 20

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Billy ran into an old flame

who is involved
with a strange religious group

and asked Billy if he'd like
to get involved with them.

Billy just wants
to get involved with her,

but that may involve
getting involved over his head.

The whole thing
is very involved.

Eunice promised Dutch

that she would find a lawyer
who could spring him

if Dutch promised her

he would not try
and spring himself.

Jodie and Danny got Sally
to tell Mary the truth

about her lying
about Burt and herself,

and now Mary believes
that Sally lied

and Burt didn't.

Jessica told Donohue

that just because
Chester was alive,

it didn't mean
that their romance was dead.

However, when she told Chester
about her romance with Donohue,

he almost d*ed laughing,

but what's happening
with Corinne's baby

is no laughing matter.

Confused?

You won't be after
tonight's episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates,

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

Kirt-a-yamen
Kirt-a-yamen

Kirt-a-zidi

Kirt-a-yamen

Kirt-a-yamen
Kirt-a-zidi

Billy, what is that?

What?
What you were saying?

New hit song,
"Kirt-a-yamen Disco Fever."

Oh.

Come on, I'll drop you off

on my way to prison.

Eunice, when in the world

are you going to
stop seeing Dutch?

Daddy, I love him.

Eunice, the man is in jail.

Well, so were you.

He has a record.

So do you.

He's a m*rder*r.

So are you.

Well, that's different.
I was temporarily insane.

Was?

Benson, what is this?

Scrambled eggs.

They're not scrambled.

They're fried.

You're right.

I'd like them scrambled.

Well,
you can't scramble fried eggs.

I know that.

They got scrambled eggs.

Well, that's because
I didn't fry them first.

Begging the colonel's pardon.

Yes, major, what is it?

That baby upstairs,
I don't think it's a baby, sir.

I think it's a teeny little spy.

Uh, right, probably German.

Too teeny.

Probably Japanese.

I'll keep an eye on him, sir.

Morning, Gramps.

Oh, Corinne,
how's my little grandson doing?

I don't know.

This is going to sound crazy,

but sometimes, he looks at me
just like an adult would,

like he's thinking.

Well, he's very smart.

Takes after me.

Yeah, chubby and wrinkled.

Benson.

Good morning.

Good morning, darling.

Oh, Corinne, I thought
you were in the nursery.

I could have sworn
I heard you singing.

It's him.

Who, dear?

The baby.

I think he sings.

Well, he might hum,

but I think he's too young
to know the words.

I'm going to go check.

Oh, Benson,

may I please have
some scrambled eggs?

Sure.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now, don't anyone get up.

I'll get it.

Jessica, what is going on?

What do you mean, Chester?

I don't know.

Eunice is in love
with a m*rder*r.

Billy sings to his food.

Corinne's husband is in a cave.

I go away for a few weeks,
and all hell breaks loose,

and now I understand

that there's something
the matter with the baby.

What?

Something strange is happening
with the baby.

Who?
The baby, Jessica.

I don't understand.

The baby, the baby.

Well...

Wh-why didn't you say so?

Just excuse me one minute,
please.

Hey there,

how about some nice
scrambled eggs?

Poached eggs? Basted eggs?
Benson...

Hi.

Hi.

I just stopped by
to say, "Hi."

Hi.

And to see
how you were. Fine.

Oh, that's good.
Well, okay.

Not fine. Okay.

Okay is good.
Mm-hmm.

It's not fine. It's okay.

Yes.

I love you.

I love you too.

You know, there's only one thing

I want in this world,
more than my happiness:

Yours.

So if you're happy with him,

and that's what you want,

don't worry about me.

I'll disappear.

No, I...

Stuffed eggs?
No.

Pickled eggs?
Benson, Benson.

Well.

Well, well, well.

Hello, Mr. Tate.

Mr. Donohue.

Well, I guess
you two want to talk,

so I'll just go.

No, please.
I'll go.

I insist.
I insist.

No, I was
just leaving. I was leaving.

Why don't both of you
leave together?

No, no, please. I'll go.
Goodbye, Jessica.

You really do care
for him, don't you?

Yes.

I guess I just didn't want
to believe it.

What's going to happen, Jess?

I don't know.

I can't believe it.

You're in love with another man.

You see, Chester,
he makes me feel

the way you did years ago.

I feel loved and wanted
and needed.

You used to make me feel
that way,

but you don't anymore.

You see, he's not another man.

You are.

I can be that way again, Jess.

I know it.

Give me a chance.

I'll be everything I used to be.

I promise.

A gay girl?

He's living with a gay girl?

She's really nice.

What is it with him?

I just got used to a gay guy.

Now he's got a gay girl.

I never met a gay girl.

Burt, just act normal.

Me, normal?

Your gay son's coming home
with a gay girl,

and I should act normal?

Guys, girls.

Everybody's gay.

If he ever gets a pet,
I'm sure it will be a gay dog.

She's really nice.
You're going to like her.

You'll see.

I can't wait.
A gay girl.

I wear a red shirt,
you wear a red shirt.

I wear green trousers,
you wear green trousers.

I'm sick of it.

It's for the act, Bob.

[LAUGHS] Act, schmact.

You've got no imagination.

Bob...
Listen, and another thing.

I'm sick and tired

of you following me around
all the time.

No kidding.

Every time I turn around,
there you are.

I need my space.

Chuck, Jodie's bringing
home a girl tonight...

A girl?

What is he, trying to see
how the other half lives?

She's gay.

Oh, then I guess

I can't tell my joke
about Holland.

There'll be none of that
tonight.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

They're here.

They're here.
Here they are.

They're here.

Burt.

Relax.

What, relaxed?
I'm perfectly relaxed.

I'm fine. You can't see that?
I'm fine.

Hi.
Hi, Ma.

Burt.

Hey, fine. Pfft!

You must be Alice.

Pleased to meet you.

Um, this is Burt.

Hi, Burt.

Hey, Al.
How you doing?

That's Chuck.
Hi, Chuck.

Hi, Alice.

Ahem.

And of course
you remember Danny.

Of course.
Hi, Brother Danny.

Hey, Alice.

Ahem.

Ahem.

So these must be the Campbells.

Ahe-ahe-ahem!

Alice, that's uh...

Bob.

How do you do, Alice?

I've heard a lot about you.

[LAUGHS]

Um, why don't we all sit down?

That's a good idea.

So.

So, uh...

So.

So I hear you're a lesbo, huh?

Chuck, one more word
and he's Lincoln logs.

Got it?

I, uh,

I think I'd better check dinner.

Uh, can
I help you? Sure.

Ah, sit down, Alice.

That's woman's work.

That's it.

Come on.

If he stays, he's sawdust.

Hey, listen,
uh, did you ever notice

how h*m*
have no sense of humor?

Hey, she's really, uh,
she's really cute.

Yeah.

Yeah, I told you.

What a waste.

She's not really gay...
a cute girl like that.

She's really gay...
a cute girl like that.

No, no, no. Jodie, I think
you could change all that.

Danny, I think all she needs

is a little, uh,
heh, heh, "you know."

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Just one good "you know"
and that's all.

Yeah.

No, Burt.

Yeah, Jodie, believe me.

One good "you know"
and that's it.

It didn't work with me.

Maybe you didn't get a good one.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yeah, okay, hold on
just a second.

Danny, it's for you.

Thanks.
All right.

Yeah?

What?

When?

Now, where was that?

Are you sure it was them?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Smith & Wesson . .

Ah, Mrs. Kreitzburg
lost her little puppy...

on Smith Street,

Around th...

and Wesson.

Yeah.

Yeah, I got about six rounds.

Must be a vicious little puppy.

Thanks a lot, Cheech.

I owe you one.

Tell Ma I'll see her later.

All right, come on.
Danny! Come on, don't.

I gotta.

He's going after the kidnappers.
I know.

I'm going with you.
Me too. No, you're not.

We'll all go.
No way.

We probably shouldn't all go
and get k*lled.

Somebody should stay
and take care of your mother.

Fine. You stay.
No, I'm going. You stay.

I'm going.
Okay, fine. We'll choose.

What do you take,
odds or evens? Come on, Burt.

Odds or evens?
Odds.

One, two, three, sh**t.

Evens. You live.
Sorry.

Be careful, huh?

Yeah.

Give my apologies to your girl.

Where is everybody?

Uh...

Uh, Chuck and Bob left.

Well, I don't care
about Chuck and Bob.

Where's Danny? Where's Burt?

Uh, Mrs. Kreitzburg called,

said she lost her puppy,
and they went to find him.

Mrs. Kreitzburg
doesn't have a puppy.

Poor woman, she lives
down the block.

Just lost her husband.

Right, her husband.

She lost her husband.

Not her puppy.

Her husband d*ed.

Oh, then in that case,
they should be right back.

[GHOSTLY SCREAM]

Yoo-hoo!

Is he up?

He never went to sleep.

Oh...

[HIGH-PITCHED]
Hello, wittle boy.

Come to Gwamma.

Oh, what a big boy.

Oh, look at that, Benson.
He knows me.

Look at his smile.

That's gas.

I don't understand it.

He never cries.

He never sleeps.

He doesn't do anything
babies do.

Oh, yes, he does.

Oh.

CHESTER:
Benson?

BENSON: Huh?

I thought you fixed the lights.

Well, there's nothing to fix.

What do you mean,
there's nothing to fix?

I had the electrician here,

and he said everything was fine.

Everything's fine?

Well, obviously it is not fine,
Benson, so get him back.

Benson, what do you think
you're doing?

What are you talking about?

You hit me.

Are you crazy?

Jessica, Benson hit me.

Well, if he did, darling,

I'm sure he had a good reason.

I didn't hit you.
You did.

I didn't.
You did.

Didn't, didn't, didn't.
Did, did, did.

Boys, boys.

I didn't hit you.

I've always wanted to,
but I didn't.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Gee, the baby sounds
a little wheezy.

I'll turn on the vaporizer.

Aah!

Aah!

Isn't he a beautiful
baby, Chester?

Yes, he is, Jessica.
He's beautiful.

CORINNE: I think
he looks like Tim.

No, I think he looks like you.

Oh.

Oh, I think he looks like me.

Hello, hello.

How's my boy today, huh?

Oh!

Oh, Chester.

Here, Daddy.

Perhaps he, uh, hasn't
accepted me yet.

I'll just go clean up.

Help! Help!

Benson, what are you doing?

That damn thing
tried to k*ll me.

Come on, Benson.

No, I swear.

It tried to choke me.

Jessica,

I think Benson needs a vacation.

[DEEP VOICE] You're a jerk.

Now, Benson, whatever
you may think of Mr. Tate,

if you want a vacation,
keep it to yourself.

Did you say that?

No.

Didn't you?

No.

Then who said that?

Oh, my God.

[DEEP VOICE] Don't say that.

I hate that.

What did you see
on the other side?

The other side of this side.

Danny, come on.
This is ridiculous.

We've been here for hours

and nothing's moving
around that farmhouse,

except maybe a couple of ducks.

Are you sure this is where
they're supposed to be?

Pretty sure.

We've just got
to give it some time.

Some time?

The corn's grown a foot
since we've been here.

Look, Burt, I'll tell you what.

I'll go down there
and take a look around.

Danny, wait a minute here.

They're K*llers.
They'll sh**t you.

Don't worry.
They won't sh**t me.

Oh, fine, what, you're
going to sh**t them?

If they sh**t me,
I'll sh**t them.

If they sh**t you first,
you won't get a chance to sh**t.

I'll sh**t them
before they sh**t me.

And if they weren't
going to sh**t you,

you will have sh*t them.

Burt, don't worry.

I'll be careful.

What time have you got?

: .

All right, synchronize
your watch.

If I'm not back
by : , go for help.

All right, : .

Danny, bring back some corn.

Ti...
[SCREAMS]

Okay, Yogi, I've got you.

Tim!
What?

It's me.

Corinne!

God, I thought you were a bear.

A bear?

There's this family
of bears, see?

They'll do anything
for this cave.

I think it might
have been theirs.

Maybe they were on vacation

in Yellowstone when I moved in.

They're trying to get it back.

Are you all right?

Here, pull up a rock.
Sit down.

It's so good to see you.

I'm going crazy up here
with no one to talk to.

And there's nothing to do.

I've read all my books

and the television...
it doesn't work.

I need cable up here.

Boy, you look pretty.

Look at you.

I forgot how pretty you are.

Oh, Corinne!

The bears?

No, you...
your stomach.

It's gone.

Oh. I had the baby, Tim.

You had the baby?

A... A girl? A boy? What?

A boy.
A boy?

Boy.

Oh, boy.

A boy, huh?

I'm sure the parents
must be proud.

There are a few problems, Tim.

Mm-hmm, I'm sure
there are few problems.

I mean, there are
lots of problems with babies.

Why do you think
Dr. Spock wrote the book?

Tim, he's possessed.

Oh, come on, Corinne.

No, he really is.

He talks.

Talks?

Sentences.

You've got to come home.

Come on, Corinne.

You come up here and tell me

that a baby who isn't even mine
is possessed

and I've got to come home?

No.

I've come up here
to make my peace with God,

and I can't...

Make your peace with God?

Well, let me tell you something.

You haven't got a chance in hell
of making your peace with God

if you don't...

make your peace with the people
who count on you.

You've got a son down there,
Timothy Flotsky.

He's yours,
and he's nobody else's,

and he's in trouble.

So quit hiding in your cave,
and get off your... mountain,

and... and come down
and help your son.

And maybe then
you'll have your chance

of making your peace with God.

Let's go.

Just help me lock up the cave.

: .

Come on, Danny.

What's going on down there?

Nothing.

Even the ducks are gone.
That's it.

[ENGINE REVVING]

What's that?

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING]

Burt.

[MUFFLED SHRIEK]

Guess what? Wrong house.

I almost got sh*t
anyway, though,

because I kicked in the door
to surprise them,

and wound up surprising

some guy and his girlfriends.

Something, uh, something
the matter, Burt?

Did you see it?

I saw enough to get
that guy pretty upset.

No, no, no, no.

The spaceship.

Did you see that spaceship?

What?

What, what?
The spaceship.

It was right over there.

A spaceship.

[IMITATES SPACESHIP NOISES]

Huh? Didn't you see it?

No, Burt.

I never saw...

Dan, I never saw
anything like it.

I mean, the lights,
the noise, it...

It started the truck.

You were dreaming, Burt.

Danny, please, what are you
talking about, dreaming?

I was standing right here.

All right, you fell asleep,
and you dreamed it.

Danny, I was awake.

I was not dreaming.

I saw it.

It was... here, Danny.

Hey, but, Danny, believe me,

I wouldn't kid you
about something like this.

I saw a spaceship.

It was right over there
and it went... pbbt!

Pfft!

Come on, Burt.
Let's go home.

What home?
We can't go home. No.

They might come back.

No, we've got to go home
and get some help.

You're right.
Out of here.

I'll call that doctor
that helped you

when you thought
you were invisible.

Maybe he's good
with spaceships too.

We don't need a doctor.

We need the Air Force.

Let's go.

Will Danny ever find
Elaine's kidnappers?

Will Alice ever have dinner
at the Campbells' again?

When Tim gets home, will he find

that the baby
is really possessed,

or will he find

that it just possesses
a morbid sense of humor?

Will Chester ever have what
he used to have with Jessica,

or will Donohue have
what Chester used to have?

Or does he already have it?

Will anyone ever believe
that Burt saw a flying saucer?

Would you?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on the next
episode of... Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]