03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER:
On the last episode of Soap,

Billy decided
to leave the Sunnies,

only Reverend Sung
decided he couldn't

and is keeping him
against his will.

Burt decided to find out
if he really saw a spaceship,

which might've been
a bad decision

because he saw another one

and then vanished into thin air.

And Jessica told Chester and
Donahue she made a decision

only she didn't tell them
which one she decided on.

Confused? You won't be

if you decide to watch
this episode of... Soap.

[♪]

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates.

And these are Campbell's.

And this is... Soap.

You son of a...

Oh!

[CLAMORING]

ANNOUNCER:
We begin this episode where we left off,

with Jessica about to
announce her decision.

I want you to know

that I really never meant
to hurt either of you.

But it seems that in order to be
with the man I love,

I have to hurt
the other man I love.

So I just don't know
what else to do.

Does this mean
you've made a decision?

Yes, I have.

I have chosen one of you.

Well?

Well, I'm afraid one of you
is going to be hurt.

Well, we know that Jess.

Oh, it's so hard.

It's not easy for us.

Just say the name, Jess.

Okay.

I will.

It's...

It's...

Ohhh...

I can't.

Me, Jess, me.

Jessica, I assure you
whoever loses will take it well.

Absolutely. If I lose,
and I don't expect to,

I will remain perfectly calm.

I will not eat my heart out.

Why not? You eat
everything else.

Shh, shh, Chester, Chester.

Jess, don't worry, if I lose,
and I don't expect to,

I'll take it like a man.
A very little man.

Gentlemen, stop that, please.

We will be gentlemen, Jess.

I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll write it down.

Because I just...
I cannot say it.

I just... I cannot.
I cannot say it.

All right, I will put "yes"
on one sheet of paper

and "no" on the other.

And then I will put one
in each envelope,

and I will hand them out.

All right.
Okay.

I'm ready.

I will now hand out
the envelopes.

Isn't this fun?

It's just like
the Academy Awards.

And the winner is...

[LAUGHING]

I'm so happy!

Ohhh!

Ohhh!

Oh, God!

Ohhh!

Take it like a man,
you fat bull!

Just one minute, please,
let me see.

Did I...?
Did I do it wrong?

Ohhh!

I'm so sorry.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

No!

No! No! No!
Give it to me.

[GASPING]

[SOBBING]

[LAUGHING]

Mmm-mwah!

Is that a "no"?

Yes.

Did you mean a "no" there?

Yes.

That's what I thought.

Then I...
I better leave.

I respect your decision.

I hate it, but I respect it.
I'll see myself to the door.

[SOBS]

Chester, he d*ed.

No, he didn't die,
Jessica, he fainted.

Donahue!

Donahue, you fool.
[GROANING]

Get up on your little feet.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My legs just won't...

Oh, goodness' sakes.

Oh, I...
I feel nauseous too.

Here we go.
Jess...

Just get up on your feet.
Here. Come right over here.

There, sit down.

[MOANING]

And now if I could
just spend the night,

in the morning,
I'll be all right.

Well, of course, poor baby.

Forget it, I'll carry
him to his car.

No!

I'm too weak to drive!

No, no!
Jess, no!

You don't have to drive.

You can stay here
until you feel better.

Thank you, Jessica.

Sorry, fat boy.

[♪]

[HOOTS]

[WHIMPERS]

Stay... calm.

Stay calm. Just think.
Stay calm here.

I'll just analyze the situation.

One of three things
is going on here.

Either I'm dreaming
I'm on a spaceship,

or...

I'm on a spaceship...

or...

I'm crazy.

Ha! I'm dreaming.

[LAUGHS]

I'm in a dream!

This is what happens
when you eat pizza in bed, huh.

Wheep, wheep, wheep!

Whoop, whoop, whoop!

[LAUGHS]

Ah. It's time
to wake up, though.

Wake up, Burt.

[SPEAKS
ALIEN DIALECT]

BURT: Burt. Burt. Hey, Burt.
[SPEAKING ALIEN DIALECT]

Wake up, Burt.
Burt!

Come on, rise and shine, Burt!

[SPEAKING CONTINUES]

Crazy's looking good here.

Oh, sir...
Um...

Hey, pal...
I mean, excuse me,

Uh, señor, pardonnez moi,
por favor.

Uh, where am I?

Just relax,
we will not hurt you.

You're on our spaceship.

Oh, gracias, muchos gracias.

I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy!

I'm on a spaceship!

You speak English?

Of course, we have studied you
Earth people for a long time.

We speak all your languages
fluently.

We read and write most of them.

We also disco.

You guys are... I love this!

I can't wait to get back
to Earth.

Wait till Mary hears this.
She thinks I'm crazy.

Listen, listen, if you guys
are finished here,

I'd like to get going,
but, psh, hey,

let's keep in touch.

I'm afraid we cannot
let you go just yet.

Well why, what do you need?

Another five, ,
minutes, you got it.

Ask me, anything you wanna
know I'll tell you.

If I could be home for
dinner, it would be nice.

I'm afraid you'll not be going
home for dinner.

I won't?

No.

Hey, look, listen, pal.
Now wait a minute.

I gotta go. My wife's
gonna be worried sick here.

No, she will not.

You see, we are sending down
a replica of you.

What? What are you...?
What are you talking about?

While you were unconscious,

we tapped into
your chromosome key.

We can now produce
an exact copy of you.

You made another Burt Campbell?

That is right.
He's your double.

Your wife will never know
he is not you.

My double. Ha-ha, I love it!
This is terrific!

Let me see my double.

Here he is.

She'll know.

Oh, no, you see, he has
not been transformed yet.

He will enter
your duplicate body,

and we will beam him down.

He will look exactly like you.
Your wife will never know.

What do you mean?

You mean Mary's gonna think
that he's really me?

Yes.

[SPEAKING
ALIEN DIALECT]

Why is...? Why is he jumping up
and down like that?

It is nothing.
No, come on.

What's the matter with him?

He is just a little excited.

Yeah, but about what?

Going down to Earth.
Living in your house.

Oh, he's... No, wait.

You're not gonna let him...

I mean he's not gonna...

Sleep with your wife?
[GROANS]

Why do you think
he's jumping up and down?

He has not had sex
in years.

[♪]

Happy anniversary, Jodie.

Ohhh...
[LAUGHS]

You're the best thing
I ever had in my life.

And you in mine.

Three months together.
Mm.

How come you have four candles?

Well, I wanna
throw away the box.

You know, I think
relationships are better

when there's no sex
to screw things up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Jodie.

Remember me?

Mrs. David.

Hi.

Oh!

Hello there.

This is Alice, Alice this is
Mrs. David, Carol's mother.

Oh.

So... you're not
a h*m* anymore?

Jodie was my first h*m*.

Uh, no, Mrs. David.
I'm still a h*m*.

But you're with a girl.

Well, we're both h*m*.

[LAUGHS]

What's so funny?

A girl h*m*.

There's no such thing
as a girl h*m*.

Yes, there is.

A girl h*m*?

What do they call 'em, homettes?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Jodie.

I got a little surprise for you.

What is it?
I'll bring it in.

"Homettes." "Homettes."

Ta-dah!

Is that...?

Your daughter.

Carol wanted you to see her.
That's why I made the trip.

[SOFTLY] That's my daughter.

She don't do much.

JODIE:
Would you look at her?

Now, Jodie, I don't like
to impose or anything,

but I'm a little afraid
of staying in a hotel

with all the raping
and murdering

that goes on in this city.

The cab driver told me

that over half the men
in New York

are either junkies,
muggers or lawyers.

Mrs. David, you're welcome
to stay here with us.

Alice?
Sure.

Oh, I sure do appreciate it.

Do you wanna hold her?

[INHALES]

Oh, I don't know how.

Oh, it's simple.

You just pick her up

the way you pick up
a frozen turkey at the market.

Go ahead.

Watch her head.
Okay.

See?
Oh, she likes you.

[ALL COO]

That's right.

Now you cradle her in your arms.

There you are.

I'm afraid I'm gonna drop her.

Oh, I was dropped
when I was a baby.

That's why I can't do math.
Ha ha!

Well, how do you like her?

She's terrific.

This is so strange, though.

Oh, she's your daughter.

It's my daughter.

Do you believe it?
It's my daughter?

This is my daughter.

What's her name?

Her name's Wendy.

Wendy.

It's very nice
to meet you, Wendy.

Well, if I'm gonna stay here,

I better go get
my things out of the cab.

You left the cab
waiting all this time?

Yes. Your fare'll be more
than your trip from Texas.

MRS. DAVID:
Oh, my goodness.

[WHISPERS] Hey.

Hey. Hey, Wendy. Hmm?

Hey, hello.

You look just like me,
you know that?

Well, you should.
You're my kid. Hmm?

You got big brown eyes and...

cute little nose...

chin.

You have fingers.

And fingernails.

Ohhh...

Hey, you sure
are pretty. Hmm?

Even partially bald,
you're gorgeous.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, Wendy.

It was so much easier

when I didn't know
anything about you.

'Cause now that I've seen you...

and now that I've held you...

I never wanna let you go.
[CRYING]

No.

[CRYING STOPS]
Don't cry. That's it.

[♪]

Morning.

Look at my face, Corinne,
tell me what you see.

You want the truth?

I've got bags under my eyes,
Corinne, big, big bags.

I look like a basset hound,
and it's all your fault.

No, Eunice,
I think it's heredity.

Heredity and, uh...

age.

No, Corinne. It is because I did
not sleep one wink last night,

not one wink because that child
of yours kept crying.

Isn't there something
you can do?

Eunice, he's just an infant.

Well, discipline him,
for God sakes.

I mean the baby cries all night,

and then you and Tim have
a fight and you cry all night,

and then Donahue walks up
and down the halls

and he cries all night.

And then I sit up and get bags.

Donahue, you are not making
an effort to leave the house.

Looking out the window
is not making an effort.

But, listen, I'm trying,

but every time I get
to the front door, I throw up.

If you wouldn't eat,
you wouldn't throw up.

If you wouldn't eat,
you wouldn't get fat.

You turn my stomach.

A plow couldn't turn
your stomach.

Squirrel.

Pinhead.

Bacteria.
Fatty.

Weasel.
Lard bucket!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Look, everybody,
look who just came.

Benson's back.

Benson!

Okay, okay, okay, that's enough
touching and grabbing. Okay.

Look at that.

Benson comes home and
everybody stops fighting.

Benson walks through the door
and everybody's happy.

Except Benson.

Hi.

Hi. What's...? What's he...?

Oh, no, Detective Donahue's
not really living here.

See, he's just staying here

until he stops passing out
and throwing up.

You chose Chester.
Hmm.

Don't I get to vote?

Oh, welcome back, Bellson.

I'm not back. I'm just here
because we got a problem.

What's the problem?
Billy.

I just came from that church.
Billy's in a lot of trouble.

I think they're keeping him
against his will.

Against his...?
What?

I'll phone the police.

No, I did that already.

You see this can take
a lot of time

what with constitutional
freedoms and everything.

What we have to do
is go in there after him.

Right. I'll go
and check with Ike.

Benson, why are they
keeping him there?

Well, I think
he's being brainwashed.

Oh, my God!
Oh, no.

They say he isn't there,
but I know he is.

Chester, our Billy.

I'll get him out, Jess.

If I have to break in there
myself I'll get him out.

That's what
we're gonna have to do.

Excuse me.

Daddy, you gotta
think of something.

Excuse me, please.

Major.

But I have an idea.

We've gotta get him out
of there.

I can get him out.

Maybe we should call
Channel news.

[OTHERS GRUMBLING]

Attention, damn it!

Now I know sometimes
you don't like to listen to me,

and sometimes
I can understand why,

but you must
all listen to me now.

Major...
Shut up.

Now, look here.

This is the Silver Star.

It was presented to me
by General Patton.

This is a Bronze Star,
I earned two of them.

And... this is the Purple Heart.

Harry Truman pinned that
on me himself.

Now, I know you think
I'm a foolish old man.

And sometimes I am,
but that's my grandson in there.

I got all of these

because I was a good soldier,
I still am.

I can get him out.
I can do it.

So you all had better listen
to this old fool,

because... that's our little boy.

All right, Daddy,
we're listening.

Go ahead, sir,
tell us your plan.

What plan?

MAJOR:
Well, gentlemen, there's the plan.

Any questions?

I don't believe this.

I don't believe that I've
allowed myself to do this.

Donahue, will you stop
complaining.

Benson, I'm not Donahue.

You're not?

No, Benson.

It's amazing,
you all look alike.

Very funny, Benson.

And I want to thank you
personally

for convincing us
to listen to the Major.

Yeah, he said he had a plan.

I didn't know he was gonna form
a basketball team.

We're a man short.

You're a man short.

You're a man fat.

Come on, guys.

Now, colonel,

I want you to climb up
the north wall,

and, Corporal Donahue,

you stay down
with the grappling hook.

Major, could we change places?
Heights make me queasy.

Hey, so far eight different
things have made you queasy.

Why don't you just
stay here and eat?

Why don't you stay here
and grow?

Come on.

Oh, Benson?

Oh, I am so sorry.

I didn't know
you were entertaining.

Jessica.

Jessica, it's me.

Chester, you are not a n*gro.

I know that, dear.
We're rescuing Billy.

And then we're all
going downtown

to pick up some white women.

All right now, let's recap.

Good idea. This one is
much too big for me.

Oh, my boys are all
going off to battle,

and I feel so proud.

She's proud.

I'm going off to w*r
with the Ritz Brothers,

and she's proud.

Chester, I am frightened.

I mean, I know that that's
our little boy in there

and I'm frightened for him.

But I'm frightened for you too.

Don't worry, Jess.
I'll get him back.

I'll bring our son home.
I promise.

All right.
It's almost the zero hour.

Let's synchronize watches.

: .

: .

on the nose.

Close enough.
Move out.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Burt!

Burt!

Ohhh...

I've been so worried.

Where have you been?

Mary?

Oh, never mind.

I thank God you're home.

Oh, Burt.

Burt, I love you.

You must be starving.

I'll get you something to eat.

We'll eat later.

Whoo-hoo-hoo hoo-hooo!

ANNOUNCER:
Has Jessica made the right decision?

Will Donahue ever feel
well enough to leave the house?

Now that Jodie doesn't want
to let his baby daughter go,

is he in for a tug of w*r?

Will Mary realize that Burt
isn't really Burt?

What's going to happen
to the real Burt?

And after being with
the new Burt, will Mary care?

Will the Major's plan work?

If it doesn't,
can they do The Gong Show?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on the next episode of...

Soap.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.