03x01 - The Son Also Rises

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm madelyn hayes.

And I'm david addison.

We'd like to take a moment and just welcome back

- Excuse me.

Hello?

David, it's your mother.

Mom?

Hi, mom! Oh, gosh, it's so great to hear your voice.

Huh?

No, babe, it's just hard to hear you with that iron lung working.

So how you doing?

You gonna make it?

Only a week and a half till the emmys.

Of course we're gonna win.

We can't lose.

Mom, don't

-Don't be ridiculous.

He's not gonna win.

He won last year.

They're not gonna give it to him again.

Your doctor?

Yeah, sure, put him on.

Hey, doc.

Really?

You think she's gonna be able to pull through with some encouragement?

Oh, that's great.

Doc, doc, don't worry about it.

We can't lose.

It's in the bag.

Have things gone awry?

Is it solutions you seek?

We're eager to help, but we're closed a few weeks.

So if you're despondent, and your life's out of whack, we hope you're still troubled when we all get back.

I am not amused by your trip out

-Of

-State.

This is your landlord

- The rent's 2 weeks late.

Your toilet's backed up, and the place smells like heck.

If you want me to fix it, then send me a check.

Ohh! * * * Just whistle while you work * * * * and cheerfully together * * we can tidy up the place * * so hum a merry tune * * dee dee dee dee dee dee * * it won't take long when there's a song * * to help you set the pace * * and as you sweep the room * * imagine that the broom * * is someone that you love, and soon * * you'll find you're dancing to the tune ** hi! How are you?

Welcome back! Hi! Well, I had a good time, too.

Want to see my tan line?

Ooh! Hey! Wow! Great! Ohh! Wow! Great! Great! Why, hello, everyone! Hello, miss hayes! Well, it's so good to see you all back safe and sound.

I'm looking forward to that next 50 weeks, to giving it that 200%, toputting in that good hard day's work, day after day, week after week, month after month, to really keeping our noses to the grindstone, our shoulders to the wheel, and, uh, all our other parts wherever they're supposed to go.

Yeah.

It's good to be back.

So, how was it?

Great! Your speeches always give me goose bumps.

No! I mean your vacation.

Oh! Well, it was great, too.

Especially tibet.

I climbed a mountain.

I met the holy lama.

I learned all about the road to spiritual awareness.

Wow.

Yeah.

So, what'd you do in new york?

Me?

Mm

-Hmm.

Well, uh I shopped.

Uh

-Huh.

I ate.

Uh

-Huh.

I slept.

Uh

-Huh.

Didn't I hear your phone ringing?

Is it?

Oh, miss dipesto! Mr.

Addison isn't in yet.

Excuse me?

Mr.

Addison.

If you were going to ask me, "is he here yet?

" I just wanted you to know he isn't.

Oh.

Welli wasn't.

Well, then * ta da da da da da da! * Mr.

Addison! Hola, gringos and gringettes.

You're back! Yes, it's true.

This is him.

Back by popular demand and certain outdated extradition laws, the gringo who put the "s" back in "siesta", the man to whom speedy gonzales once said, "whoa, dude, slow down," the hombre to whom the queen of england once told whoa! What is this?

Could it possibly be?

The almost undetectable, yet definitely unmistakable, collective silencio of an office full of people forced to go back to work?

Ohh.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Shame on you.

Don't just sit there like a plateful of refried beans.

Vacation doesn't end

- It changes locations.

Miss dipesto, hit it! Hoo

-Hoo! Go! Go, you kids! Go! Hit it, muchacha! Yee yee yee yee! * Ba da da * da la bamba * la la la la la tu tu tu ganga * * tipo arriba arriba * o'neill! Simmons! Hanging patrol.

Arms, kids, arms.

* Le le le le la la** go! Go! Go! Will our first volunteer take one step forward?

About face.

Miss dipesto, come on down! Down, down, down.

Yee

-Ha! About face! Any last requests?

Cigarettes?

Me?

Bat me.

Miss dipesto, are you ready?

Agnes, just keep your eye on the ass.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro

- Bamba away! Ohh! Ohh! Oh! Swinging for the cheap seats

- No cigar.

Maddie in?

She's in her office.

Danke schoen.

Take another sh*t, agnes! Here we go! Ohh! Ohh! This is a stickup.

Give me all your clothes.

And por favor, do it slowly, eh?

You'll need a bigger g*n.

Not gonna join the party, huh?

I thought I'd let you get it out of your system.

A little bran, couple sh*ts of prune juice.

Now I remember why I needed a vacation.

So, how was your little sojourn?

It was great.

Missed me, huh?

Missed you?

Me?

Missed me.

You.

Yeah.

No.

Liar.

How was it?

How was yours?

The sun rises in new york first.

It was new york.

It was great.

It was new york.

Yeah?

Well, that's great.

I guess you ran into a couple old friends.

Made a couple new ones?

Which is it?

What?

Counting the flight back?

Your turn.

Did you have a good time?

Me?

In mexico?

Ha ha ha ha! Are you kidding?

Me and mexico go together like abbott and costello, rocky and bullwinkle, montezuma and revenge really.

By the way, i, uh got you a little something.

You did?

Thank you.

I told the saleslady you already had nice maracas, but

- Word must be out.

Bet that's somebody that wants to see you shake 'em.

Miss hayes, mr.

Addison, excuse me.

Always do.

Thought you might like to see this stuff.

Thank you, miss dipesto.

Kind of makes you feel wanted, doesn't it?

They're mostly bills.

Well, in that case, we are wanted.

Wait a second, all these phone messages are from you.

Huh?

Balderdash! "David addison, david addison, david addison.

" They're almost all from you.

Andthey're all to me.

Finally someone worth talking to, even though he is never in when I call.

It's my father.

Your father?

Yeah.

Why do you sound so surprised?

What's so surprising?

The fact that I have one or that he admits to it?

No, just, uh I mean, it's the name.

That makes you a junior.

David addison, junior.

Never met a sequel before?

There are a lot of messages.

Do you think something's wrong?

It's a local number.

Probably in town on business from philly.

Wants to get together.

I haven't seen him in 2 or 3 years.

Yeah, well, you know, fathers, sons, oil, water, joan and johnny.

Just kidding.

Better go send up a smoke signal, see what he wants.

Missed you.

What was that?

You heard me.

Agnes, on machine: blue moon detective agency.

Have things gone awry?

Is it solutions you seek?

We're eager to help.

Blue moon detective agency.

We're here! Just hold on a second till I get this machine off.

We hope you're still troubled when

- Blue moon detective agency.

This is maddie hayes.

Well, hello, mr.

Addison.

Busy?

The whole night?

That doesn't make sense.

He told me he was gonna call you.

Uh, maybe you're dialing the number wrong.

What number are you dialing?

No, that's it.

No, I'll definitely give him the message.

Nice talking to you.

Bye.

* Da da da da da * * da da da da da * * cha cha cha cha * oh, mr.

Addison, I'm glad you're here.

You and your entire gender, agnes.

No! I mean, yes, but no, mister

- Addison.

How did you do that?

Could I see you in my office, please?

See me what?

Oh, I get it.

Not in front of the kids, huh?

Want to tell me about it?

Tell you about what?

Your father called me last night.

He was wondering why you never got in touch with him.

Yeah, he mentioned that.

Mentioned what?

That you two spoke.

You're saying you spoke with him?

Maddie, the man is my father.

The man who taught me about shaving, about women, about shaving women.

Of course, I spoke to him.

Really?

And?

And it was nice.

And the reason we couldn't get together today was 'cause he had to go back to philadelphia on business.

Andand and he's in your office.

David, I don't understand.

I don't understand.

He makes me feel so I don't know.

It all sounds so bad.

Everything I'm going to say sounds bad.

Makes me sound ungrateful.

Maybe I am ungrateful.

He seems really sweet.

He is really sweet.

He is really sweet.

Unfortunately, I didn't tap into those genes, which is why I am such a jerk.

Like your father.

Right.

Hey.

Hey.

David addison, I presume.

David addison, I presume.

Look at this place.

This is some place.

While I was waiting, I sat in your chair.

No alarm went off, so I figured I was ok.

Yeah.

You're ok.

Yeah, so what about that blonde, huh?

She's something.

She could be a model.

She was a model, dad.

Oh, yeah?

She married or something?

No.

Not married.

No?

You and her?

No.

Well, she's not married.

I bet the guys are lined up from here to alaska for her.

It's a good job.

You get to sit and look at her all day.

So how are you?

I like your hair, it's nice and short.

It's about 20,000 hairs short.

Hey, you've been ducking me pretty good last couple days.

No, I haven't been ducking you.

I just got back in town.

I, uh, was down in mexico.

Got a little tan.

Mexico?

Oh, nice.

Big sh*t, look at you, world traveler.

Hey, world traveler, want to take a walk?

He's getting married! Who's getting married?

My old man, that son of a

- David! No, no.

I'm son of a david.

Married.

* Ga ga ga

-Ga * heh heh heh.

Married.

I don't know who she is.

I don't know.

I don't know.

But he loves her, and they are getting married.

I wonder if he has to.

I take it the talk went well.

Yeah.

He asked me to be his best man.

Oh, that's wonderful! He doesn't know too many people out here in california.

God, maddie, I'm really pleased for him.

He's been lonely for a really long time.

California girl.

Brought up here anyway.

Her family lives out here.

I guess they're gonna have the wedding out here.

As a matter of fact, they're having a little reception tonight.

Nothing too fancy food's free, liquor's free.

You free?

Free?

Me?

Free.

Thee.

Si.

I wonder what she's gonna be like.

Don't you wonder what she's gonna be like?

Who?

This woman your father's marrying, this woman to whose parent's house we're going.

Oh, her.

Well, if I know my father, she's the kind of woman that's been around the pool a couple times.

Thinks man's greatest invention is the double sh*t glass or the colored bowling ball.

Ah, it's good.

The old guy's happy.

The young guy's pretty happy, too.

Yeah.

David! I can't help it.

I got a thing for big knockers.

Big knockers.

I'm sorry.

I'm just nervous.

I want to make a good impression.

Well, calm down.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

This is maddie hayes and I'm david addison, david addison, junior.

And I'm dolores.

I'm the mother of the bride.

I'm not sure just where your father is right now, but why don't I try and find him and let him know you're here.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Didn't that woman seem a little, uh immature to you?

Immature?

What do you mean immature?

She seemed perfectly mature to me.

Well, don't you think she's a little on the youngish side?

That depends.

Youngish for what, a quilting bee?

So your father's marrying a younger woman.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

I just think

- Thank you.

I'm just I'm surprised, that's all, that he would be interested in someone so young.

Why?

I don't know.

Me and my brother were young, and he was never interested in us.

David! Dad.

Ooh.

Yeah, I put on a couple gallons of after

-Shave.

Did I put too much?

No, you just smell like a giant stick of juicy fruit.

Oh, I think he smells lovely.

Have you two met?

Met?

How well do you know this woman?

Not well enough.

Good.

Give me a hug.

I'm so nervous.

I'm so scared.

I'm so

- Can I stay here with you the rest of my life?

By the way, your brother called.

He's gonna be able to make the ceremony.

Oh, great! Great! You met richie! Ha ha ha ha! I can't tell you what it means to have you here.

I can't tell you what it means to me.

You're cutting off my circulation, dad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So when do we get to meet wonder woman?

Oh, yeah, stephanie.

Yeah, I'll get

- I'll get her.

Uh uh, david uh, look, she's, uh kind of young.

I understand.

Yeah, but not too young.

I mean, at least I don't think so.

If you don't think so, I don't so.

No.

Uhshe's different from your mom.

She's very different.

Now, I don't happen to think that's a bad thing.

Dad, I don't happen to think that's bad either.

Good.

Heh heh heh! Good! Good.

I'm so nervous.

I really want you to like her so much.

Well, I'm a little nervous, too.

I really hope she likes me.

Ha ha! Oh, well there she is.

Oh, she's very pretty, mr.

Addison! What do you think, kid?

Which one, dad?

The one in the yellow dress.

I rolled a 7, right?

Will you excuse me a minute, please?

David, where are you going?

Excuse me a minute.

David?

David, don't you want oh! Oh! Watch it! What's he doing under there?

You don't have to wash your hands.

It's occupied.

David, let me in! I generally work this room alone.

David, people are looking at me.

They watched me follow you over here.

They're watching me talk to you through this bathroom door.

David, are you going to let me in or not?

Maddie, I'm sorry, I can't.

David addison, open this door.

Open it! Open this door! David addison, let me

-Aah! David, I want you to see a doctor.

I don't need to see a doctor.

Well, I think you do.

I don't think what I've been watching for just once, can't you mind your business?

Isn't normal behavior.

You don't know not even for you.

I can't go in that room.

I can't meet that woman.

Will you butt the hell out! Oh, you want me to butt out?

Yes, please, with both cheeks.

It's occupied! It's occupied! David, you can't stay in here forever.

David?

Maybe I better let you two alone.

You stay! You said butt out.

Forget what I said.

Maddie, I need you to stay.

Are you coming out, or am I coming in?

Do you want to let me in on what this is?

Let you in on what, dad?

This.

This what?

What?

What's this?

I felt sick, and I came in here.

And maddie was concerned, and she came in.

So you crawled around on the floor?

Wait, wait a second.

It's really a load of crap.

I felt sick to my stomach.

I traveled 2,000 miles to come here

- Saying to people, "you want to meet my son?

" Are you not gonna listen?

I say, "that's the jerk crawling around on the floor!" Good, dad.

Here.

What's with you?

Let's make some noise, all right?

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm making some noise, all right, so that your friends at your party don't hear you yelling at your son.

That's what I am doing.

All right?

That's what I'm

- I don't get you.

I don't get you at all.

I'm awfully sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm going to go call myself a cab.

Miss dipesto, mr.

Addison in yet?

Not yet.

Miss dipesto, is mr.

Addison in?

No.

I'm sorry, miss hayes.

Miss hayes.

I just wanted you to know I'm leaving.

Oh, well.

Good night, miss dipesto.

Do you want me to try calling him again?

No.

If he had something to say, he would've called.

Well I'm sure he's ok.

Yes, I'm sure he's ok.

I'm sure he's ok.

* Bright lights * * city lights * * all right * * I'm talkin' 'bout a

- * * When she walks * * watch * * the sparks will fly * * firecrackin' on the 4th of july * * no sad songs tonight * * somethin's in the air * * a real state of independence * * so pretty when her rockets glare * * she'll still prove it any night * * that her flag's still there * * she's a visión from coast to coast * * coast to coast * * sea to shining

-** You want to turn that silence down.

David! That's too low.

What are you doing back there?

Passing out.

Wanna join me?

David, look at you.

I'll try, but it'll probably make me dizzy.

Come on, david.

You needto get out and walk around.

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to help! Well, knock it off, will ya.

You're wrinkling the suit! Is this seat taken?

David, what are you doing here?

Heh, me?

Now?

I don't know.

I wanted to see you after the party last night.

And I guess I just went outafter, and it's entirely possible that I was overserved.

Next thing I know, it's morning.

I come here to find you go in the building and all, you know, and I realize for the first time how bright it is in there.

So I came back out here, andi felt sick.

Which reminds me, I tried like hell to get these windows open before I heaved.

They're electric, you know.

I couldn't find the keys.

I'll take the car to the car wash.

What was the question?

Never mind.

What time is it anyway?

About 8:30.

Great.

Want to go get some breakfast?

At night! Oh, yeah.

Time sure flies when you're flat on your face.

Who's driving?

What's wrong with you?

What happened last night?

Why couldn't you be in that room?

Why couldn't you meet that woman?

I know her.

What do you mean you know her?

In another context?

Yeah.

Yeah, you could say that.

Well, what context?

What was she?

Like a friend or someone you worked with or I won her.

You may find this hard to believe, but there was a time in my life when I was not too terribly discriminating about my behavior.

It was about I was home at christmas time and went out to a saloon not really a saloon, I guess

-A bar.

I go in, sit down, order something, I don't know and I look down at the end of the counter.

And there she is.

And she was already I could tell because she laughed every time the cowboys fumbled.

So, during the commercial break, she made the mistake of asking me how I'm doing.

And I made the mistake of answering her.

I said, "honey, I'm the itchiest son

-Of

-A

-Pup in south philadelphia.

" And she said, "no reason for that.

Come down here and let me scratch.

" We played 8 games of pool.

She ran out of money after 5.

I just want to tell you I did not cheat.

I won fair and square.

What are you saying?

What am I saying?

I am saying I slept with her.

What?

Yeah.

Well although I'm not sure if either of us actually ever slept.

What are you telling me?

I am telling you that I know more about my future stepmother than name, rank, and favorite recipe.

But, david, that was 4 years ago.

It might as well have been 4 nights ago.

Maddie, this was one of those nights, one of those truly amazing nights.

The kind you keep replaying in your head so you don't forget about it when you're old and running around the nursing home trying to look through the nurse's uniform.

We're talking 3 weeks recovery period here.

Ok, david, I understand! But that was one night.

This is a marriage.

Yes, a marriage.

My father's marriage! How the hell can I stand up in that church?

You think I wanted this to happen?

I was so happy for him! If you love him, if she loves him, none of that matters.

It's one day! One wedding! I think you have to figure out a way to get through it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

One day.

And then there's the dinner table and christmas time and family get

-Togethers.

And what about her, seeing me?

All right, david.

She'll go crazy, too.

Maddie, we went there on a tuesday and left on a thursday.

All right, david.

We are not talking peck on the cheek.

All right, david! I know every what?

Pore oh! On that woman's body.

I can't go to that wedding, maddie.

I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in a human being in my life.

I think you're being selfish and inconsiderate and childish.

Great.

Borrow a cup of pride?

Pride?

It seemed like a good time to swallow some.

Tuxedo, huh?

This old thing?

You were right.

I'm selfish, inconsiderate, childish you can stop me any time.

So you gonna get dressed?

What are you gonna say to him?

What am I gonna say to him?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, I guess.

What are you gonna say to her?

As little as possible.

You know what my fear is?

You know what my real fear is?

What?

I mean, I'm ok with it.

But my real fear is that she's not ok with it.

That sometime, whether it's a month from now or a year from now or 10 years from now, things aren't gonna be going well with the marriage, and I'm going to be there, looking like I look, and she's going to lose control.

And you wouldn't be able stop her, would you?

Well, yeah, sure.

I mean I could sh**t her in the leg, I guess.

Sleep dart in the neck.

Me and her that would k*ll my old man.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Psst.

Psst.

Hey, rich.

Hey, dave.

What are you doing back here?

In fact, what are you doing here at all?

Pop says you and he

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had this little thing.

What else is new?

Got the ring?

Yes, I've got the ring, dave.

Of course I've got the ring.

I'm the best man.

What do you mean no?

Give me the ring, rich.

What do you mean, "give me the ring, rich"?

What are you gonna give me?

Ow! Ohh! I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, what's he doing here?

Well, he's here to beg your forgiveness, dad.

He, uh doesn't know what he was doing, and he's very happy for you and if it's still ok with you, he'd still like to be your best man.

Dad?

Dad, say something.

No crawling.

Ok.

Yeah, no crawling.

Please be seated.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together in the sight of god and the face of this company to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

Who gives this woman to this man?

I do.

David, will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after god's ordinance in the holy state of matrimony?

Will you love her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep her as long as you both shall live?

I will.

Stephanie, will you have this man to be your lawful wedded husband in the holy state of matrimony?

Will you love him, comfort him, and keep him in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, keep him as long as you both shall live?

I will.

If anyone, therefore, can show just cause why they may not be lawfully joined together, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.

Oh, boy.

Excuse me?

You have something to say?

Well well yes.

No, uh yes.

No, uh will you hang on one second?

No! Absolutely not! David, don't do it.

Maddie, I have to.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry, dad.

I have to do this.

Could I have a second of your time, please?

This will just take a second.

Look, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to ruin your wedding day, but that is my father out there.

* It's a small world * I'm so sorry.

Are we making too much noise?

No.

No.

Certainly not.

You're just fine.

* It's a small world * you guys just go ahead with what you're doing.

We'll just steal this corner over here.

I thought I could live with this.

I thought I could get past this.

I mean stephanie, that is my father out there.

I mean, if anything ever happened to hurt him I mean, I know this, this is hurting him, but he'll get over this.

But you he loves you.

What the hell are you

- * The mountains divide * miss parish, children.

* It's a small world after all * just keep going about whatever you're doing.

There's a church full of people out there.

What are you doing?

"Speaking now.

" I hate holding my peace.

Padre, just a couple more minutes.

I swear to your boss.

A couple minutes.

David, something is troubling you.

What is it?

"What is it?

" Stephanie, I saw you looking at me out there.

You know what it is.

In philadelphia?

Ok, whatever you've been doing is over, period.

We have a wedding to finish.

David david, please.

What are you telling me?

That this can't wait?

No.

I'm just asking you if you can wait.

Please, just give me a couple of minutes?

All right.

A couple of minutes.

* It's a world of hopes, it's a world of tears * * it's the most that we share * * and it's time we're aware ** could you just give us a little privacy please?

Thanks.

Now, what about in philadelphia?

What do you mean, what about 4 years ago in philadelphia?

You know what I'm talking about.

What are we going to do about it?

Heh.

What can we do about it?

What's done is done.

I mean, if it's a problem for you

- It's a problem for both of us.

Who told you?

What do you mean

- It doesn't matter who told you.

The important thing is that I'm not that girl.

I've changed.

I really have.

I mean, I'm

- I'm sure whoever told you about me, told you lots of wonderful sordid stories.

And I'm not gonna deny them.

They're true.

See, I used to like to drink.

And when I was done drinking, I didn't want to be alone.

Did your father tell you how we met?

No, he wouldn't have.

See, I used to like to frequent this bar.

I don't know why, but women sometimes I was the only one in the place.

I'd sit on this stool and I'd wait for a guy to come in by himself.

This is really going to sound cheap, but I always liked themstupid.

The stupider the better.

Ohthey'd lay some line on me.

I'd lay some line on them.

Sometimes I'd let them win me

-Darts, pool.

Ohh! I don't know how many pool games I've thrown.

Anyway, one night your dad walks in.

And he sits down, asks me how I am.

And it's like he means it.

So I tell him.

And I'm waiting for the big pitch, the big line.

But there's not one.

Finally, I go to plan "b".

I let him get me drunk.

Oh, boy.

Ha ha ha! I was silly putty.

I tell him where I live.

He takes me home.

He carries me up to my room, takes off my clothes, puts me in bed, and then, he leaves.

And I'm lying there in the dark and I don't know this guy's name.

And I'm thinking, my god there's one left.

A decent guy.

I found him! But I'm too drunk to go and chase him.

So, I mean, I started crying.

And then all of a sudden the door to my room opens up again.

And he looks like this big, big shadow in the doorway.

And he stands there and he says, "my name is david addison.

"I own seaside fish.

"I hope you don't think I tried to get you drunk "because I didn't.

And I hope we can see each other again.

" Now is that great or what?

That's pretty great.

So what do we do now?

I think we should all go get married.

What?

Just thinking about the bright side.

At least we never slept together.

Then we'd have something to talk about, wouldn't we?

Yeah, right.

So, ginger, tell fred what's wrong.

I don't understand how your mind works.

Me neither, but you gotta love the results.

You took that woman into that room in the middle of her wedding, you told her what you told her, and what did she say?

No can do, maddie.

Mother

-Son talks are sacrosanct.

All right, I'll tell you.

We talked about it, and it's going to be rough on her.

But she loves my old man, so it's gonna make the strain worth it.

And I'm gonna help.

You know, when I see them, I'll part my hair on the wrong side, not use deodorant, not change my underwear for a couple days.

I don't know if that will help, but we're both committed to trying.

Ooh.

I am so proud to be a member of your family.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, she certainly seems to be bearing up well under the strain.