09x26 - The Wheel of Forever

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Oh, Florence...
Shh.

I'm watchin' one of
my favorite game shows,

Fightin' Families.

And one of the contestants,
Grandma Zimmerman,

is about to make
TV history.

I'm thrilled.

This is serious,
Miss Jefferson.

I mean, if Grandma
Zimmerman's family
gets to win today,

she gets to play
Bonus Bucks.

And every time she wins,
her false teeth fall out.

Florence,
I don't understand

why you bother
to watch that show.

It's brainless
and it's ridiculous.

And it's not nearly as good
as the nighttime version.

Okay, Grandma,
name a day of the week.

GRANDMA:
Um, um, Henry.

Henry?

Well, you said
I could name one.

Uh, we'll be right back

after this word
from our sponsor.

Somebody grab
her false teeth.

Boy, oh, boy.

I'll just put
these ledgers
over here, sir.

Just put 'em anywhere,
I don't care.

Things gave me a headache.

I've only had one headache
this bad in my life,
and there she is.

Florence, get me
some aspirin, please.

Uh, Miss Jefferson,
bring some aspirin
back with you.

Florence,
this headache
is k*lling me!

Don't rush.

Sit down, sir,

and let
the nimble hands
of Ralph Hart

work their magic.

Wow, you got
strong hands, Ralph.

You're good
at this, huh?

Yes, sir. I like
to exercise them.

It keeps them in shape.

Yeah. Yeah, for this?

Exactly, sir.

GEORGE: Oh.
Here you are, Florence.

No, me, Weez.

And why don't you open
the bottle for me, please?

Okay, George.
Thanks.

Now let's see,
"Align arrow,

"press down,
twist clockwise,
and slide."

Well, no luck.
Now, let's see.

"Align arrow, push down,
and twist clockwise..."

Will somebody call
the undertaker,

because by the time
she gets this
bottle opened,

I'm going to be dead.

George, don't
be impatient.

These caps are good.
Children can't open them.

Neither can I.

Can I get you an
ice bag instead?

Hey, wait.

I happen to have
some aspirin with me
for an emergency.

They're two for a dollar.

Ralph, I happen
to be in pain.

Why do you want
to charge me such
a ridiculous price?

I'm sorry, sir.
For you, buck a piece.

Come on.
That's better.

Here, here.

Thank you, sir.
Anything else?

Get out.
Absolutely, sir.

Oh, and I'll just
throw these out
for you.

George, is there
anything else I can
get for you?

No, thanks, Weez.
I'm fine.

Figure I'll just
sit here

and lay back
and watch the TV.

Florence,
why don't you flip on
Midget Wrestling?

You want to see
Midget Wrestling?

Yes, I do.

Then why don't you stand
in front of a mirror

and watch yourself take off
a turtleneck sweater?

This is Florence's
day off.

She wants to watch,
Fightin' Families.

Why don't you watch it
on your own TV?

Because it's broke.

Okay, Florence,
let's compromise.

I'll watch
Midget Wrestling,
you get out of here.

I think
this explains

why you're a drycleaner
and not in the U.N.

Now, how do you expect
Florence to get along
without a TV set?

It's very easy.

Buy a TV guide
and use your imagination.

Florence,
maybe your set

just needs some
fine tuning.

I think, I'll be able
to fix it.

Weez, you can't even open
a bottle of aspirin.

True, but who ever heard
of child-proof TV?

Mr. Jefferson, if you have
any conscience, any heart,

and any hope of ever
getting into Heaven,

you're getting me
another TV.

Not a chance, Florence.

My good deeds will get me
where I'm going.

Well, in that case,
forget the TV

and get yourself
an air conditioner.

You've got money
in the bank,

why don't you
go buy a TV?

I'm saving that
for my old age.

Oh! Well, since
you're gonna be drawing it
all out tomorrow anyway,

just use some of it
to buy a TV.

LOUISE: Florence,
I'm working on the set.

Now tell me,
are the Zimmermans
jumping rope?

Give...

Nope.

LOUISE:
Then it must be
the vertical hold.

But I'm making progress.

Give me that thing.

Look at that,
the referee's holding

somebody's tooth
in his hand,

and I don't even know
whose it is.

Mr. Jefferson,
I work hard

and I do a good job,
I deserve another TV.

Oh, you work hard, huh?

Let me see you do that.

Do I get another TV?
No.

Then let me
see you do that.

That's what
I'm talking about.

That's what
I'm talking about.
Trifling!

Ta-da!

Hello there,
Mr. Jefferson.
Hello.

Ta-da! Ta-da!
GEORGE: What's going on?

Well, we came down
to show Mrs. Jefferson

this new outfit
I designed.

Doesn't she look lovely?
Oh, my head.

Well, I think
that's a compliment.

So where's
Mrs. Jefferson?

LOUISE:
Everything is perfect,

except I'm getting
green skin now.

Did we come
at a bad time?

No.

As a matter of fact
you came just in time
to settle an argument.

Don't you think
Mr. Jefferson should
get me another TV?

Well, I, uh...

We've gotta run.

Agree with me first,
then run.

LOUISE: I'm getting
a moustache now.

Oh, I think
we really
ought to go.

No.

Not until you answer
my question.

Now, what do you
think, Jenny?

LOUISE: I'm really
getting closer.

Now I can tell
men from women.

Are you sure
Mrs. Jefferson is okay?

Yes. She's trying to
fix Florence's TV set.

Oh.

JENNY: Oh.

Oh, Florence,
I've been thinking...

Maybe you'd better take up
reading as a hobby.

sh**t! There goes
Grandma Zimmerman.

Grandma Zimmerman?

Are you watching
Fightin' Families?
Yeah.

Well, then you can
watch it at our place.

Willis, you mean to tell me,
you watch that
stupid program, too?

Watch it? I've got the
home version upstairs.

Come on, everybody.
Okay.

Good. Go ahead,
everybody.
Bye. Bye.

Good. Bye.
See you all.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson?
Yes.

I'm going to ask you
one more time.

Will you get me
another TV?

See, Florence, there you go.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Don't you ever
listen to yourself?

Let me tell you something.
Have you ever once,

walked up to me like
one human being to another
and said

"Mr. Jefferson, please?"

You're right,
Mr. Jefferson.
I'm sorry.

Mr. Jefferson,
would you please
get me another TV?

No!

Okay, I tried.

Just remember this,

one day you're gonna be
standing at the Pearly Gates,

and when you wonder
why you can't get in,

just look to the cloud
on your right.

Why is that?
Because that's where I'll
be sitting with the key!

The closest you're ever
going to get to Heaven
is if we move upstairs.

Now I can watch
what I want to watch.

Great.

Go get them,
Grandma Zimmerman.

Who is it?

It's Ralph, sir.

Go away, nobody's home.

I'm afraid I can't
go away, sir.

It's my duty to
take you on a journey.

What are you
talking about?

Sir, you have removed
your last spot,

starched your last collar,
and pressed your last pleat.

You mean to
tell me I'm...

As a doornail, sir.

Oh, really?

Okay, well, if I'm dead
and you're an angel,

then I guess you won't
be needing this, right?

That's right, sir.

Oh, my God!
I am dead!

I'm really dead?

But I got too much
to live for.

That's the trouble
with death, sir,

it often screws up
the rest of your life.

Well, sir,
what do you think?

Well, I'll be damned.

I mean, this is
Heaven, huh?

Not quite, sir.

You mean this is Hell?
Not exactly.

Well, if it's not
Heaven or not Hell,
where is it?

Same place as Tijuana.

Where's that?

Right on the border.

Look, Ralph,
now you're angel,

and all the money
I gave you,

you mean to tell me
you can't get me
into Heaven?

Sir, if it were up to me
you'd be at the honch of
the Head Honcho himself.

But it's not my fault that
you're a borderline case.

Therefore, I'm afraid,
to get to Heaven,

you're going to have to
play a game.

I gotta play a game?

He's ready to
play the game!

What game?

Ralph, will you
wait a minute?

I don't know
nobody up here.

JOHNNY: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to play
The Wheel of Forever.

And here's
the star of our show,

the Big Wheel himself,
Tom Willis!

Oh, how are you doing
there tonight, Johnny?

Just heavenly, Tom.

And by the way,
Tom's wardrobe's furnished
by Deuteronomy .

And an extra special
heavenly greeting to you!

And you! Muah!
And you! Muah!

Oh, my God!

Ralph!

Ralph,
it's George Jefferson.

I'm all done up here,
take me back.

George, you're not being
a good contestant.

Oh, go to Hell, Willis.

I mean, Tom, old buddy.
Come here for a second.

Let's chat.
You got time?

I have an eternity.

But, George, you're
gonna love it up here.

The rents are
extremely reasonable,

they allow pets,
and best of all,
the women.

They're all
gourmet cooks.

Willis, dead or alive,
you're an idiot.Come on.

But, George,
I haven't told you
the best news yet.

If you win the game,
we can be neighbors
again.

Let me out of here!
I want to go home!

Look, Willis.

You obviously
have a little pull
around here, right?

Well,
I don't like to brag,

but I was voted chairman
of the Chubby Cherub Club.

Congratulations.

Listen, uh,
if you get me into Heaven,
I'll give you bucks.

No can do.

How about free cleaning?

Oh, no can do.

How about
a meatball sandwich?

Well, I, uh...

No, no.
I'm sorry, George.

Come on, Willis,
we're friends.

You can do
something for me.

Well, I can give you
some advice.

When you're
playing the game,
act happy and excited.

They like that.

And if I don't?

Buy asbestos underwear.

Well, I gotta
go to work.

TOM: And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce
a little gal

with a wink in her walk
and a style in her smile,

who, by the way,
made her own outfit.

I give you our very own,
the lovely Jenny!

That's enough, Jenny.

Thank you, Jenny.
That's enough.

And now, Johnny,
do you have our
first contestant?

JOHNNY:
Indeed I do, Tom.

Today's guest is up
from New York City.

This little guy
was a dry cleaner
before he croaked.

His favorite hobbies were

making money and
insulting people.

And now,
playing for the way
he will spend eternity,

George Jefferson.

Come on down!

Oh, hi there, George,
good to see you.

Now, tell us a little
about yourself.

Well,
I was born the son
of a sharecropper...

I mean, I was born in
a hospital in Harlem.

Oh! Hey, that's
really fascinating.

Let's hear it
for George!

And now, it's time
to play our game.

And to help
explain the rules,
the lovely Jenny.

Uh, Jenny,
that's enough, dear.

Thank you, dear.

Now, our wheel is
divided into categories.

You will be asked
three questions.

What if I miss one?

Tell him, Johnny!
JOHNNY: Sure thing, Tom.

Well, George, it'll be
the Stinking Pit for you.

You'll go straight to Hell
on Gargoyle Airlines.

And once there,
you'll be staying
at the exotic

Hotel Hades, where it's
always flea and tick season.

And now, back to you, Tom!

Oh, thank you, Johnny.

Hey, George, you look
a little shaky.

But remember,
you can win.

If you answer all three
questions correctly,

you will win this key
to The Pearly Gates!

Tell him, Johnny.

JOHNNY:
Just think of it, George,

you'll bask in
benevolent bliss

as you're serenaded by
The Vienna Boys Choir.

That is, until
The Temptations join us.

It's the perfect setting
for a romantic reunion

with your wife
of a lifetime, Louise!

Oh, hi, George.

You look cute dead.

Hi, Louise. You, too.
I'll be right over.

All right, George!

On second thought,
take your time, dear.

Come on, hurry up.
Let's play the game.

I gotta get to Heaven!

All righty.

Lovely Jenny,
give it a spin.

No, the wheel, dear,
the wheel!

The wheel.
Thank you.

Ah!

You have landed
on your wife.

And the question is,
"Did you love your wife?"

Oh, I've got the answer
to that. Can I answer that?

I can answer...
Well, just a minute.

We paid for
this theme music,

and we're going
to use it.

The question is,
"Did you love
your wife?"

Yes!

And the answer is...

Correct!

I'll be right
there, Weez.

Ooh!

Do you work out
with weights?
Mmm-hmm.

Ooh!

Spin the wheel!

Hey, is this little guy
anxious to play,

or is he anxious
to play, folks?

Oh.

All right,
lovely Jenny,
give it a spin.

No, dear,
the wheel.

The wheel, angel.
Thank you.

Oh.

You have landed
on your family.

And the question is
"Did you love your family?"

Oh.

Time's up.

"Did you love
your family?"
Yes!

And the answer is...

Correct!

Don't worry, Weez.
I'm on my way.

You mean that
all the guys
on the team

really want
to meet me?
Mmm-hmm.

Spin the wheel!
Now...

Now, George,
everything hinges on
this last question.

Are you ready?

Oh, I don't know.

I've never popped out
of a cake before.

Spin the wheel!

All right, lovely Jenny,
spin the wheel.

Oh!

Round and round
she goes.

And where she stops,
heaven only knows.

Oh! Whew!

For a minute,
I thought it was going
to stop on "maid".

You have landed
on your maid!

Hey, wait a minute!
That's not fair.
Somebody's cheated.

I mean, maybe
not cheated, but...

What if I refuse to
answer the question?

Oh, George.

If I were you,
I really wouldn't
do that.

Why? How bad
can Hell be?

lovely Jenny?

I'll play.

I mean, I've been
good to Florence.

I sent her to Hawaii,
I loaned her money.

I even put her in my will.
What am I worried about?

Ask me the question.
All righty.

The question is,

"Did you buy your maid
a TV set?"

See ya.
Oh!

No, stop!

Come right
back here, George,

you must answer
the question.

Oh. Okay, okay.

The answer is yes.

I mean, no.

Maybe.
Oh!

Too bad,
you lost twice.

But, you've been one
heck of a contestant.

And thanks for playing
The Wheel of Forever.

And now,
the lovely Jenny

will escort you
to The Putrid Pit.

Hey, wait a minute!
This ain't fair,
lovely Jenny.

Oh!
And you neither, Willis.
This is a fake.

Oh, of course
it is.

But, it's
too late now.

Lovely Jenny...

Oh, no, no, no.
I want to see
the head man.

I want to see the boss.

Oh!

Oh, you mean, uh...

That's right, Willis.
I'm going over your head.

Because all Heaven knows
I can't get around you.

Well, this is
a little irregular,

but if you insist...

Johnny!
JOHNNY: Okay, Tom.

Let's have a warm
Wheel of Forever welcome

for someone who needs
no introduction.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our top banana.

Heaven's own numero uno!

You gotta be kidding!

And you've
got to be going.

But I got to get to Heaven
with my wife Weez!

Now, to get to the party,
I turn right
at the big cloud,

and then it's
three doors down

from Albert Schweitzer's
place?

Oh, come back, Weez.

I hate to interrupt,

but you're late
for your date
with the pitchfork.

Look, Florence, uh,

if you let me off
the hook on this one,

I promise to give you
Thursdays off, okay?

And if I'm allowed
to lie up here,
you look good.

Get going.

Who are you
supposed to be?

Oh, Florence.

Florence, please let me into
the Kingdom of Heaven.

I'm sorry, my child,
but the Sweet Chariot
don't swing that low.

Okay, okay. Fine.

But did you get the TV set
I left for you in the closet?

Okay, I forgot,
I forgot.

I'll get you one tomorrow!

What kind you want?
Just tell me!

Solid state,
you name it.

Just tell me what to do.

Say bye-bye.

Oh, is it time for
the Putrid Pit yet?

I'm sorry, lovely.

But this one
belongs to me.

Florence, look,
I'll buy you a TV set.

I'll buy you
two TV sets.

I'll buy you
your own TV station,
your own network,

your own satellite!

Don't, Florence...

Your own network,
your own satellite.
Please, stop!

George, George,
George, wake up!

You're dreaming.

Oh, I was?

Oh. Oh, I was.

Thanks, thanks.

Florence! Florence,
here, look.

Why don't you go
buy a TV set?

In fact, buy two TV sets.

Here's some credit cards,
here's a check,
here's some money.

Go! Just go
and buy. Bye!

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,
you're an angel.

Yeah, well, I better be.

And as for you, Weezy.

I don't ever wanna see you
watching football again.

No college football,
no USFL.

In fact, I don't even
want to see you smiling
at astroturf.