01x02 - A Mattress on Wheels

[bunniefuu]

G--Granville, how do you spell p--p--p--p--pepper? Is it six Ps or seven? Yes, I'm still stocking it, but there doesn't seem to be a widespread passion for treacle any more.

It's gone the way of trams and R--Reckett's Blue.

Well, how's retirement suiting you, Freddy? Oh, passable, passable.

I'm getting used to it.

Well, you've had a lot of training for it.

All them years at the Coal Board.

I don't think I fancy retirement meself, you know.

I w--wouldn't mind it for the first six months, but I wouldn't like to earn me living at it! How's your daughter? The youngest.

Gillian? Married an RAF officer.

Oh, yes, always the one for glamour and excitement! Cheeky little minx! What is she up to now, then? Running a pub at Drifield.

Oh, dear, is that what the nuclear deterrent come to? I want a large pad of writing paper.

You've been retired longer than I thought if you've used up all the C--Coal Board stationery already! Here you are, here's a nice one.

Look at that.

-- Have you nothing bigger? -- Next size is a roll of wallpaper! That'll do for a start.

I'm going to write me w*r memoirs.

You'll need a p--packet of postcards! A View from the Home Front -- an absorbing personal record.

I was there, you know, the night they bombed Tomlinson Street.

I don't know what GÃ ring had against Tomlinson Street.

Unless it was that h--hygienic fisheries.

Perhaps he found out about the shape of Percy's chips! Hey, that'll be 43p.

Come on.

I feel it's a duty to record it all for posterity.

My entire role in the whole affair.

Yeah, well, I wondered why you were up so early.

What'll you do this afternoon? World w*r III? It came to me in a dream.

This voice said, "Freddy, why don't you write your w*r memoirs?" Up to that, I hadn't even thought of it.

Well, you don't, do you? Did you recognise the voice? Whose was it? At first I thought it must be God.

Yes, well, you would at that time of night.

But it turned out to be Mr Samuelson from Gordon Street.

What? Him with the--the horse and cart? I'm surprised you thought he was God with the vocabulary he's got! Unless he was talking about that place near Gomorrah.

-- Sodom.

-- That's what I say! Why don't we get a van?! What was that? Did you see it an' all? I think this shop's haunted, Freddy.

Every time we do a shop delivery on the bike, this little angry figure appears, clad all in off--white, rattling its cycle clips, moaning in an awful voice, "Why don't we get a van?!" Well, why don't we get a van? Do you think I haven't considered every factor? I've r--run it all through the computer, you know.

It's gone through this keen commercial brain which is linked through ingenious circuits to me wallet! Pedalling wears out the insides of your legs.

I've always got the same answer -- keep Granville on two wheels! -- Me calves are getting all knotted.

-- Huh! Well, they are! They're getting all big and horrible.

I daren't go swimming.

I look like a rickshaw coolie! Very embarrassing when you bulge in a swimming costume! I hope you don't expect me to deliver this lot, do you? No.

There's that lot over there, too.

Oh, no! AHHHH ! Is he out of danger yet, then? I don't know.

He's back with the Gas Company.

He's tried it before.

Took an overdose.

Aye, of l--laxative! Oh, dear, what a terrible way to go! Or, at least, to k--keep going! Wellhe tried a bit harder this time.

He'd have done it an' all, if his clothes line hadn't broke.

That's the trouble, they will p--purchase from supermarkets! If he'd bought that, it's reinforced all the way through.

That wouldn't have let him down at the last minute! -- And two pounds of King Edwards.

-- Right.

(BELL) Morning, Mrs Ellis.

Morning.

Hello, Vera, love.

Is there any more news about your (MOUTHS) I'm still waiting for a bed.

I see your Granville's stopped going out with Pendleby's lass.

Aye, he's another one st--still waiting for a bed! Here you are, Missus.

I'd better have a carrier, Mr Arkwright.

I think you'd b--better, yes.

Did you see him from Harrison's parked outside 87 again?! He does more with a gamy leg than most blokes do with two! They're all the same, these short men.

They're always having to prove themselves! There was him from the new housing estate.

-- Napoleon.

-- I don't know what he were called, but he always wore them fancy boots! Earnshaw.

Earnshaw, lived in East Field Road.

Presumably after he escaped from St Helena! -- Hey, you've weighed them! Why take one off?! -- They've g--got heavier! M--Must be the dust off the floor.

-- You what?! -- We're allowed to charge for dirt.

Ask her at 87! There's a cold front coming in from the Atlantic.

You ought to g--get summat warmer round your chest.

Like a hot shopkeeper.

And what makes you think you're more appealing than an extra vest? You're a bonny lass.

If we don't get engaged soon, I won't have time to explore all of you! Have you tried loosening your collar? No, no, no.

What I want to do is t--try loosening yours! You know, I've never looked down a state registered nurse.

It's that shop that's doing it to you.

You're stuck in there all day, every day, breathing in that spicy mixture of fire lighters and lavatory cleaners! Look, why d--don't we get engaged? Then I could give you a discount.

We'll stop as we are, having a laugh and you goosing me occasionally.

When I'm not looking! Hey, lassdo you know what? I'd like to see you in a red dress, wi' a rose in your hair doing a flamenco! Oh, aye? And if we got married, within 24 hours, you'd have me in an apron, with curlers in my hair, doing a casserole! By heck! Fancy the Americans p--paying all that money for Disneyland when they could have had Marxism for nothing! It's supposed to be the age of Women's Lib, I don't think they've got the hang of it yet.

I'm still waiting to be molested! The Extreme Left.

That's all we ever hear about, th--the Extreme Left! Funny expression, that, isn't it? The ExtremeLeft.

It's like a lot of leftovers.

It's like all the little bits at the end of a party that nobody wants.

Come to think of it, that's not far off the truth! I haven't even had a request played on Family Favourites! It says here, "This smiling young actress is tipped for stardom".

You can see both her tips quite distinctly! Do you realise how old I am? And the only thing I've handled intimately was the Christmas turkey! And that was frozen! Loosen your cap, your head's steaming! Happiness is a game for two players! You used to like trainspotting.

What happened to your trainspotting? I wish we'd still got an empire.

Yes.

P--Pity they pulled that down, weren't it? I'd like to spend the monsoon season with a Eurasian mistress.

You know, come back after a hard day flogging the natives, and there she iswaiting.

Yes, with almond eyes and 83 relatives on the borrow! It's not that I want to be promiscuous.

It is really, but I can't afford it! I'd settle for one nerve--tingling affair! Watch what you're doing with them chips! They're 7p each now! Before I settle down, I'd like to have a spot of colour in me life! When them coloured spots turn up, you'll be sorry! I'd like to tame some very spoiled, very rich young woman! You know, "Heiress Elopes with Shopkeeper's Assistant"! Is that what you want to be? An international playboy on the Riviera? And throw up the only agency round here for Vac--Sweep? You know what we both need?! I know what I need -- a towel! -- Transport! -- Rubbish! (BELL) You can pick up an old van these days for a song! Yes, and guess whose wallet's going to get laryngitis! You could get all your stuff from the warehouse, not wait for deliveries.

I'm in no hurry.

The nurse might go out with you more.

Listen, you don--don't think I'm going to buy a van just because Why would the nurse go out with me more? Because you could take her out of the district! She gets embarrassed round here.

People know you both.

If you nip over to her place, there are 40 pairs of beady eyes trained on her bedroom window.

I don't know.

It's cheaper j--just to draw the curtains! You won't have anything to draw them for if you don't get transport! How old a van do you think she'd go out in? I could do it up, you know, make it nice inside.

It'd need something in the back for people to sit on.

Like the mattress in the spare bedroom! That's disgusting! It'll need airing.

I'll look at me licence.

I know I'm allowed to drive groups A, B, C, D, but I'm not sure about a mattress on wheels! -- As long as it's under 15cwt.

-- Well, I certainly am! But there's the nurse to think about on top of me.

We want something that goes a long way on a gallon.

I want something that goes all the way on half a pint! Aye, don't we all?! With almond eyes! Here's one! "Two owners, African tan and melba.

" That sounds like three owners.

-- That's the colour! -- Well, that's very informative (!) Well, it's the power of advertising.

It's got to have an attractive name.

You wouldn't spend £4 on a bottle of perfume called "Sweaty Elbows"! Hey, look at this! "Recent new engine"! I'm not paying that! Where did they get the engine from? C--Concorde? I hope you're not going to shame me! I hope we won't be running about in a banger that looks like a toilet! I d--don't know where you get these jet--set attitudes from! Your mother was down to earth.

A bit too often for her own good, but she meant well.

Ah, you forget, nobody knows who my father really was.

-- Can I have a choc ice? -- You know you can.

You don't need to ask.

Granville, orphan you may be, but I want you to know you've always got a home here, lad.

I mean, g--good times or bad, whatever is mine is yours.

Providing you put your money straight in the till! Go on.

I bet if my mother had lived, my father would have come back.

Oh, yeah, in a big black car with a big crest on the door? Aye, maybe.

West Riding Radio Taxis! Who did she go out with? Well, there were a lot of Ho--Ha--He--Hungarians at the Miners' Ho--Ha--Hostel! There you are! Some displaced aristocrat fleeing from the revolution! You know what I want for my birthday? A balalaika! All right.

I'll see if I can get one knitted for you.

Now listen, you've made a 93p profit so far.

Are you going to put a pound in, or not? No, I want you to put it in.

It's that spring clip.

It's vicious! (BELL) Nothing wrong with that! Hello, Eva, how are you? I want something for his tea.

Something fatal but untraceable.

I know, what about a b--bacon end? That'll boil and come up sweet.

Oh, I'll 'ave some fish fingers.

I get no end of pleasure watching him eat fish fingers.

It's like bingo.

I keep waiting for him to come up with the winner of a bone! Oh, thanks, Granville.

I like your Granville.

He looks like the kind of young man who's reckless enough to do something desperate for the love of a woman! Eh, G--Granville, f--fetch your cloth, go on.

Some apples in that warehouse need polishing.

I always have to go when customers get interesting! -- Go on with you! -- She warms my Hungarian blood! Don't melt that all over the place, then! Clear off.

I've told you not to get him excited, Eva.

He's at a very funny age.

He's reading everything but the Grocer's Gazette! You mean that age when men are difficult to live with? Starts when they're 14 and finishes when they're at the crematorium! That reminds me.

I need fire lighters.

You're supposed to wait till he's dead first! Everybody keeps telling me he's drinking himself to death, but I've come to the conclusion they're just trying to cheer me up! Do you fancy an apple, Eva? No, thanks, love.

He's loosened me that many teeth that I'm much happier with a banana.

Here y'are.

-- I was only kidding, love! -- She was only kidding! Take it.

I woke up with a powerful urge to give someone a banana! You're a good lad, Granville.

I'll give you a big kiss in a minute! Never mind, love.

I'll make it up to you when he's not looking.

Don't be so awful with him! She wasn't only kidding, but he has loosened all her teeth.

How will he feel when he finds out she's having an affair with a banana magnate? She's very unhappy.

I might take her out one of these nights.

Down the disco.

And there's nothing that you could say that would stop me.

Her husband assaulted policemen.

She's a married woman.

I can't go out with married women! Very moral, you Hungarians! She's a great little workhorse.

I'll be sorry to say ta--ta to her.

Yeah, well, you n--needn't bother at that price.

Oh, no, we're not going to have a boring argument about money? I'm not.

I'll have an enjoyable argument about money! He means it an' all.

The motor trade's gone to pieces! Customers have no respect! that was the number plate! Tell your old uncle, that is rock bottom for that.

-- That is rock bottom -- Wash your mouth out! I didn't bring you up to talk l--loosely about money! Close your eyes and think of the mattress in the back! You see, he's torn between these powerful conflicting emotions.

He'll soothe himself in a minute by counting the change in the till! What are we arguing about? A few pounds? You'll get a four--poster in the back of that one! Umwe've got this bit of a gap.

I am asking sixfivefive and you are prepared to offer? Cashand 14p for the bent bread.

I thought you were a serious prospect.

I mean, I only come round to serious prospects! I could be in the showroom, drinking coffee undersealing the new typist! Bring us something nearer our price! With plenty of room in the back! Would you care to inspect the interior woodwork? Hey, look! Gives privacy! Well, w--w--what do you think? Tell you what, why don't you leave it on approval? Oh, I couldn't do that, Mr Arkwright.

Oh.

Welluntil tomorrow, maybe.

Good.

That will enable me to test its suitability for a variety of retail purposes! Are you telling me I'll never play again, Doctor? We've tried everything in our power.

The nerve's gone.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Godl I guess it's all up to you now, Mrs Mortenson.

-- But we've filed for a divorcel -- He needs you, Mrs Mortensonl Yes! (DOORBELL) -- Jim? -- Is that you, Martha? Yes, Jim.

It's me, Martha.

-- It's me, Arkwright.

-- Go away! Oh, that's very nice of you (!) Oh, come in! Shut the door! (TV) Hasn't he, Doctor? I've got j--jam all over me warehouse coat! Be quiet! It's mince.

You'll never sell your piano, Jiml You're going to practise, Jiml Practice till you're the first one--handed pianist in the whole worldl Ahh! I've got mince all over me warehouse coat.

Oh! You know, I could do with you, Arkwright, but you will trample down the few romantic illusions I've got left! You say that to me, the s--spirit of eternal springtime?! Come, not only to offer you my affection, but the chance of a g--grapple in the new vehicle! You've finally lashed out on some transport? It w--wasn't easy.

-- You'd better have a cup of tea.

-- I'd sooner have a I know what you'd sooner have! But you're getting a cup of tea.

Well, well, well, the new mobile Arkwright! Yes, c--come to invite you for a nocturnal spin.

Spin? Oh, if you're taking me out, you're taking me out! It'll cost money.

We'll have a meal and a bottle of wine The way I feel about you, I could go it on half a lager and a s--salted peanut! Well, I couldn't! You've got some ground to cover before you get me up a country lane! I got a bit of ground to cover after I get you up there an' all! -- So it's a meal, is it? -- Yes.

That's your last word, is it? No, me last words will be, "Get your hand off there.

That's far enough!" But that's me position so far, take it or leave it.

-- Well? -- Well, I'm thinking about it.

What's to think about? Well, if I buy half a bottle of wine, couldn't you do some sandwiches? Get out! Get out of my house, Arkwright! All right, I'll buy you a meal, then.

Oh, you romantic fool! Oh, I love the way your eyes flash when you get mad.

I must be trying to civilise you.

I say one thing for you, you're not much trouble.

You've got wandering hands, but I've only got to shout "Burglars" and they're back round your wallet like greased lightning! I'll take Mother her tea.

She must be parched.

(GUNFIGHT ON TV) Who'll sit with her when we're out? C--Can't Randolph Scott do it? Anyway, with all that noise, I see no reason to go out.

Why don't we stay in and save the petrol? g*nf*re's one thing, but the first creak of a settee and she'll be banging on the wall with her stick! Here you are, Mother.

Here's your tea.

Hey, was your Granville all right when you left him? How do you mean? Well, I was just looking out the window and right outside your shop, there's this great, big, black, old -- You haven't, have you? -- Well -- You wouldn't! -- Well, the p--p--price was right.

Get out, you great stingy dogsbody! You needn't think you're taking me out in that! I know I'll be laid in one some day, but not till it's necessary! What did I tell you?! She said she wouldn't be seen dead in it! You'd better get the garage on the blower, see what else they have.

(TELEPHONE RINGS) Hello, Arkwight's.

Hello, Auntie Lily.

No, no, he's gone out for a ride in the new van.

Eh? No.

No, it's not on business.

His old trouble has reared up and he's going to get medical attention.

If he plays his cards right! (GIGGLING ) -- That wine's gone to me legs! -- I think I'll j--j--join it! (ARKWRIGHT) Hey! You've got your foot in me pocket! I'm terribly sorry, I'd hate to crush your wallet (!) Ow! Oh, eh, c--could you get th--that leg in there first? 'Ey, m--mind where you're putting your feet .

.

you'll dirty the roof! (THUDS AND BANGS) If you're going to hold me there, would you blow on your fingers? (THUMP) D--Don't move your knee! Whatever you d--do, d--don't move that knee! This is ridiculous! G--Give it a chance, we haven't started yet! Why couldn't you have got something bigger? Would you care to reph--phrase that, please?! Ow! OhOh, take me home! It's worse than traction! It's just the wheel arch, that's all! Whole generations have been brought up on obstacles like this! Heavens, what bliss, just you and me and the wheel arch (!) Take me home! W--What's in it for me? A cup of cocoa! I h--hope there's plenty of sugar in it! I'll k*ll that Granville! Him and his vans! This one goes back tomorrow! Hey, how do you fancy a cuddle on the shop bike? Ohhh! Just shows you, don't it? Beware of l--large ambitions in small vans.

I thought I'd pulled it off this time.

Fortunately, it's only bruised.

So, it's back to my lonely bed.

I enjoyed that goodnight kiss, though.

She's got a lot of Eastern promise behind that faint flavour of cocoa.

Rotten little vanl Good place to park, though.

Just over the hump of her knee and sharp left at the first suspenderl