01x03 - A Nice Cosy Little Disease

[bunniefuu]

Granville, come and sweep the front.

This dust'll need laying an' all.

Get some water and sp--sp--sp get some water and sp--sp--sp Get some water and sp--sp--sp--sp Oh, don't bother, I've done it meself! I didn't ought to be stuck here! I want some adventure.

Like trekking through Equatorial Africa! Now's your chance.

Fetch your cloth, get on your camel, and trek across them vast deserts of glass with a bucket of soapy water! It always rains when I clean my windows! N--Not today, it won't.

It's going to be fine and bright.

Didn't you hear the fore--fore--forecast? The fore--fore--forecast? That's three fours are 12 Don't you mean the twelve--cast? Get off! Are you all right, love?! Aye, I just banged me knee! Am I s--s--supposed to run this business on me own while you lie out here with l--ladies on your leg?! If you weren't so mean, Arkwright, you'd buy this lad some proper steps! Fancy falling off a stool! Do you realise there's lads of your age, Granville, shouting G--Geronimo and jumping out of aeroplanes! They're not wearing a pinny though, are they?! I've got to go and stick things in people, but come over later and I'll give you something for that bruise.

-- Ooh, this bruise! -- Not you, Arkwright! You wouldn't have a bruise unless you bought a load wholesale! By heck, she affects me powerfully, that woman! S--S--Something in the way she moves.

Like a combine harvester going through a cornfield! I h--hope you haven't damaged any of this fruit! Nurse G--Gladys Emmanuel is everything I've ever wanted in a woman.

A huge chest and a b--backside like a school bus! I have no time for these modern women with no room in the boot.

I think girls are more attractively wrapped than even chocolate bars.

Aye, and they can both m--make a mess of your pocket! I like girls of all sizes.

That's depraved, is that.

No, it just shows I'm flexible in me taste! Perhaps I ought to get a sexier cap.

I think girls should be the shape and size to fit the special needs of the individual.

In your case -- small, demure and financially independent! And in my case -- rounded, muscular and generating enough warmth to cut down the fuel costs in the bedroom! There's only one thing that guides my choice of girl and that is, I'm grateful for anyone who doesn't laugh at me pinny! If only the nurse had a m--more respectable job.

-- Nursing's respectable.

-- You never know what they've held! I think I'll get some suede shoes.

I see her come out of there like a small, highly--trained Panzer division and my heart lifts! Every time I think about her, I feel as if I'm paddling barefoot through loose change! I feel me toes c--curling round freshly--minted silver! And then I see her get in that car and drive away and I realise where she's going.

Off to manipulate strange men! Oh, my God, look what I've done! Oh, I m--must catch the cardboard before it sets! If I'm very careful, I might just repair the packet so nobody notices.

But even in this day and age, there's nothing a mortal soul can do to mend a broken biscuit.

No.

W--Well, what do you think? (RATTLES) I'm going to have to reduce it! Oh, twice! (CRASH ) Have you any thrupenny cornets? Morning, Mrs Braddock.

Ooh, n--new coat? -- You like it? -- It's beautiful.

Of course, what it needs is a handbag to match.

-- Yes, I s--see what you mean.

-- Get rid of this old thing.

Well, you always did have a b--bit of taste.

Not every man appreciates it, Mr Arkwright.

When you're running a s--successful business, you have to have flair.

Oh, you have been successful, Mr Arkwright! You've got a sound little business here.

It has n--not been easy.

No, but you've struggled and won! L--l--I like to think so, yes.

-- No doubt about it! -- It's very nice of you to say so.

Can you cash me a cheque? Ohwellthe m--more I look at that bag, Mrs Braddock, the nicer I think it looks! I mean, you don't get bags like that nowadays .

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detachable handles and everything! It's awful, Mr Arkwright! The bottom's fallen out.

Just like the grocery business! I've got all this VAT and I have to spend so much money on Granville's clothes! He's a very difficult age at the m--moment.

I've never seen him in anything but that cap and apron.

He s--s--spends a fortune on handmade underwear.

You wouldn't believe the places he's got his initials sewn on! How--how much were you dreaming were you thinking of, Mrs Braddock? -- Ten pounds.

-- Oh! -- Five.

-- Weller How's Mr Braddock, is he quite well? -- He's fine.

-- R--Regular medical check--ups? He's working hard and bringing in the Oh, yes, he works all the time.

I hardly see him! All right, then, f--five pounds! Oh, dear You know, sometimes I lie in bed awake, and on a clear night, I can hear s--small businesses collapsing.

Thank you, Mr Arkwright.

I'll pop it in herebefore you wear it out! Well, have a nice day, Mr Arkwright.

-- Thank you again.

-- My pleasure, Mrs BouncerBraddock! Hey, you've gone pale.

Aren't you feeling well? Oh, I'm all right.

It's just the w--wear and tear of self--employment.

Do you want me to fetch the nurse over? No, she wouldn't come ov Hey, would she? Would she? She might, you know! She might come over.

That's her job, in't it, v--visiting the sick?! You're looking better already! I'm not poorly.

I just thought I might practise a little harmless deception.

Don't bother.

It never works.

That's it, b--be encouraging (!) None of your evil little schemes ever come to anything.

Anyway, she'll know you're not poorly.

You never have anything without a profit in it! I hope to practise a little deception by preparing myself with a little medical study.

Anything to get the chance of being clasped tenderly and drawn, with luck, in the general direction of that regal bosom! Oh, there's a p--pillow for a man! Oh, I could r--rest my cheeks on that and be comforted right down to the r--roots of my b--boots! -- It's big by modern standards.

-- You can keep your modern standards! You try and rest for comfort on them, you'll wind up with perforated eardrums! Go and fetch that old--old medical book.

You remember the one.

Go and get it out.

Now then Oh, dear.

Now, what can I p--possibly charge for them? Oh, God! What's up? You're a bundle of nerves! -- You've finally noticed.

-- I've noticed your prices! Don't you start! I've just had Mrs B--Braddock in here.

Come in, bought nothing and went out with £5 change! It's taking me all me time to break even! I don't know why you don't pack it all in and buy a cottage somewhere.

That's a good idea.

I could b--buy yours and you could f--forget to move! I'd treat you well, I promise you.

It's a tempting offer.

You must have a tidy little something tucked away.

Oh, I have and it's all yours! All yours, and me money as well, if you like! I can just see meself.

You'd have me working here all the hours God sent! -- And a few more besides! -- You'd live like a queen! Yes, and you know how many hours she puts in a week! No, if I married you, you'd have to retire early.

I would.

Straight after the 9.

00 News! II want to give you the key to my heart.

I know what you want to give me.

But for the moment, I'll settle for a large packet of detergent! All right, then.

What are you walking like that for? It's nothing.

I find if I g--grit my teeth and keep my knees together, I can just about cope with it.

With what? I'm--I'm not sure, really.

It's more a premonition of something coming on.

There's dozens of diseases in here you can choose! GET OUT! Your temper's not improved.

How long can you go on s--smiling through your pain? -- Where does it hurt? -- Put your hand here.

Not till you've seen your own doctor.

These fingers are strictly medicinal.

Listen, you're National Health.

I pay my stamps! Least you can do is c--come over and mark me card! -- You know what you need? -- What? -- An operation.

-- An op--operation? To relieve you of that big lump in your back pocket! I want a nice little illness that would strike j--just after we close.

Something that calls for a fire and a low light in the living room.

Shall you be going out tonight? Yes, as soon as we close nine o'clock! Dancing the night away! Don't forget I shut up sharp at 10.

15.

A whole hour and quarter of the dolce vita (!) Think I'm ready for such freedom? I want you to go out and enjoy yourself.

Hmm.

I saw that Linda Mulgrave this morning.

She's at art school now.

I bet she's a raver.

You're only young once.

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may! Trouble is, by the time I get out, there's nowt left but thorns! Even then I've a hell of a job to get close enough to get scratched! Oh, dear, I wouldn't want to have that! You wouldn't know where to lay it for comfort! I should have gone to art school.

Grown a beard, become a swinger with the further educational circle.

You see, she's a very cautious woman, but if I found a nice cosy disease with the right symptoms, I r--reckon she'd come across.

The road, anyway! (BELL) Well, g--g--go on.

Oh, 'eck! It's Linda, isn't it? Chapel Road Youth Club? Have you any glue? I like it! I like it! Heh--heh--heh! How's that for openers after all these years, eh? Have you any glue! You're a scream, you lot! Anything for a giggle in your crowd! Wish I were among it.

-- How do you like it? -- Sticky.

Oh, the glue! The glue! You see, there you go again! Oh, I wish I could churn out all that sophisticated patter! Still, we had a lot of laughs, though, with the How's your mother? Halfway up a step ladder waiting for this glue! Glue, yes! It's in the basement, madam.

Would you mind waiting? Glue! -- You don't remember me, do you? -- Should I? It's Granville! Oh, that Granville! I only do this for the money, you know.

It's not the essential me.

Up in the privacy of my own room, it's all great literature and the 50 favourite masterpieces of art! Yes, IerI'm free at nine.

Perhaps we could take a walk down the canal, have a natter aboutthe brushwork of Leonardo? I'm going to the wrestling.

Why don't you look in on the way back? I've made some fresh fruit pie.

I've just baked II'm not always in boots! I'm gonna get some suede shoes! (BELL) Oh, heck.

It's all right, I'll go.

I want to g--get a second opinion on this.

Ah, Norman, just the chap I'm looking at! Wonder if that Linda Mulgrave needs a model.

Someone small but perfectly proportioned.

Huh, in his cap and bicycle clips (!) I can't see owt.

No, you really need one of them lights strapped to your head.

Think you'd be able to see better if I gave you a torch? Yes, if I knew what I was looking for.

It's inflammation of the special skin over the eyeb--b--b.

-- It looks all right.

-- .

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balls! I beg your pardon! Eyeballs! Eyeballs! Let me finish talking, will you?! It's too much responsibility for me, Mr Arkwright.

I only came in for tinned carrots.

They're good for your eyes.

So they say.

You never see rabbits in glasses! Present company excepted, of course! Now, would you look in my eye with that torch when I lift my lid up? Oh, no, I can't stop.

I've got two eggs on t'boil.

Oh, dear.

You're not the stuff that surgeons are made of, are you? I've castrated pigs! Have you? Oh, I'm--I'm sorry to hear that.

I've got some ointment for that somewhere! So, it--it's just the carrots and the torch, is it, Norman? -- I don't want the torch.

-- Any complaints, we'll exchange it.

For another torch, I mean.

Perhaps you'd rather have a yellow one? No, I think blue is the in colour.

Ta--ta.

Oh, that damn spring clip! If that gets any more vicious, I'll have to get the vet to put it down! Let's hope me pastry rises.

Me wages never do! Hey, have you got a th--thermometer? I think I've got a touch of page 42! It's up there, look.

On the wall, look.

That's n--no good to me, I c--can't get me mouth round that! That's all we've got and, don't be modest, you could get three in there! It's stuck on the wall, you silly devil! Granville, f--fetch your cloth, will you? -- What's wrong with you? -- I don't know.

I can't pronounce it.

Look.

If you've got it, you don't get time to pronounce it! (IMITATES MOURNFUL TRUMPET) Don't beggar about, come on! You can't have got that.

You'd be dead! Much quieter altogether! Listen, I was reading in the paper yesterday, "Small Shopkeepers in Danger of Extinction", so there! What have you been doing with this? Nothing! Eugh, yes! I'd better go and wash this out! What's been on it?! Never you mind.

You've got enough to worry about! (BELL) Have you saved my bread?! Yes, it was j--just going under for the th--third time! It'll do.

Did you see that, G--Granville? Mrs Ellis, the bread strangler! Terrible what that creature does to a sliced loaf, you know.

She orders one every day, can't wait to get her hands on it! Soon as you hand it over, she's on it! Clawing, bashing, thumping! God knows what she does with it at home! You left the money on the counter.

I'll bet you can't m--move in her house for mutilated bread! -- You left the money on the counter! -- Don't get obsessed with money.

The only thing that matters is your he--he--health! Now, j--just f--feel me pulse, will you? Oh, hold on.

Hey, it's not moved, this.

Give it time! It doesn't go racing up and down the scale.

It's not on a bit of elastic! Right, give us your hand.

Onetwo Good afternoon.

-- Good afternoon.

-- Aghh.

Is theis the proprietor in? Well, he's hung up at the moment.

Well, I represent the Matlock Mutual Protection Societies.

Can you give him my card and tell him I have something of advantage to him? -- There's a gentleman -- I dow wan a'y! Says he doesn't want any.

(TUTS) But has he heard about our Gilt Edged Centenary Offer? Have you heard about their Gilt No, I dow wan t' hear abow a gil' egg -- He doesn't want your Gilt Edged -- Please don't tell me any more! Oh, I've had it all day! All day long! It started with a widow.

There she was, poor woman! She was holding the hand of her little child, too.

It was looking up at me with big trusting eyes, and I'm trying to talk its mother into parting with her widow's mite! And now, this poor, poor creature! Well, I've had it! I've had it up to here! You're the last poor soul I try and talk into parting with his money on the strength of a rubber mat with your name on it for the door! What size? (ALARM RINGS) You're not poorly! You saw what that thermometer said.

It never went any higher than Wet and Windy! I know that and you know that, but Nurse Gladys Emmanuel doesn't have to know it, does she? I want her to come here and d--discover it for herself.

And a few other surprises I've got up my sleeve! Up your sleeve? Don't forget you've got your py jamas on! I'm not likely to with her f--floating about.

Put the main light off.

Let's see the effect of the table lamp.

Oh, yes, that's better.

That's sort of romantic, but sombre.

It makes me look poetic, b--but consumptive, you know what I mean? The effect I'm trying to achieve is that I'm poorly, but attractive.

Perhaps you're right.

I'd better have the light out altogether! Listen, go and see if she's back yet.

No, her car's not there.

Typical (!) She gallops round the town for the comfort of strangers! She'll be delivering babies.

I know.

They c--can't afford to send them by post any more.

Hey, just a minute, come here! Come and see if this r--r--record player is working.

I don't want to miss out on the mood music.

What's this? A 78?! What happened to that LP you promised to buy? Well, I tried.

I went down to get the latest Engel--Engel--ber--ber--tet--tert Engel--ber--titer--tert Humper--der--dumper--po--dink! By the time I'd managed to say it, they'd sold out! Oh! Furniture polish! Oh, s--scented furniture polish! I should have done me legs as well! (TEA DANCE MUSIC) (CLATTER AND THUD ) Oh, dear! That's right, muck about, enjoy yourselves (!) Don't worry about me, the poor invalid up 'ere! Hey What's going on? He slipped and cracked his head on the stairs! It's these suede shoes.

I can't steer 'em like boots.

Seemed to go in opposite directions.

I think they've come from different herds! -- Can you hear me? -- He'll be all right.

I'll just pop him up to the outpatients to make sure.

Granville, before she takes you away, are you listening? Mrs Ellis left some money on the counter.

Did you put it in the till?! -- Are you listening? -- Get out of the way! I can't bear it when relatives break down! Think you can make it to the car, love? Yes, I can walk.

I think I can walk.

I just don't think I've got suede--type feet! Well, thanks very much, Nurse Gladys, for coming over (!) I've enjoyed our visit, we must do it more often (!) Don't clutter! Make yourself useful.

I in--intended to make meself useful, didn't I? I was hoping you and me could get together for a c--course of treatment! Not now.

We'll talk about it later, provided you're properly dressed! Oh, well, that's a little r--ray of hope, anyway.

I'll get him something to nibble in case they keep him in.

-- They won't.

-- You n--never know, do you? The least we can do is give If we can't give our own relatives Granville you'll like these! That G--Granville, you might know he'd f--fall on his feet.

Or, on this particular occasion, on his head.

Aye, trust him.

Mind you, I think I can trust him with her.

That's one of the advantages of a sh--sheltered upbringing.

You haven't got the know--how to muscle in on your uncle's territory.

Oh, and what territoryl Them lovely rolling acres.

Part of the national heritage is G--Gladys Emmanuel.

Oh, God, don't let the socialists nationalise herl