01x04 - Beware of the Dog

[bunniefuu]

Oh, dear, all over the pavement! Sh--Shovel, Granville! (CLANKING ) Stop or I'll f--f--f--f ! By heck! Did you see 'em? Only very briefly.

-- What were they like? -- Beautiful! One were bigger than the other! Arkwright, what are you doing, you fool?! Oh, nothing, my love! I'm free if you are.

Well, what are you st--staring at? Hello, Granville.

Hello, Maureen! What can I get you? I want an instant pud for me sister.

She's gone mad on 'em.

We'd better put them on the dangerous dr*gs list! Long time, no see.

This time last year.

Yeah, I expect you've been busy.

-- Not all that busy.

-- Well, fairly busy.

-- I've been away for a while.

-- I'm not surprised.

I've often thought about you, Granville.

Any special reason? A very special reason.

Do you remember Elsie's party? Did I go to Elsie's party? Oh, come on, Granville, don't tell me you don't remember? Well, the drink was flowing.

Three glasses of wine and I'm anybody's.

You were mine at Elsie's party.

We gotvery close.

We must meet some time and discuss the future.

Uh--huh.

Choo--choo--choo.

What do you think of our Eric, then? Our Eric? The baby.

Who do you think he's like? Ko jak! Look at me, standing round when I've gotall me ironing to finish! I think that's what did it, the way you'll do anything for a laugh.

It's good you've got a sense of humour.

I used to say, "That Granville, I wonder what he'll be up to next!" Sshh! Sshh, you shouldn't go round mentioning names! Why ever not? I've told everybody how you made me laugh.

Everybody?! And what have you been doing with yourself lately? I've just been trying to think.

I'd swear it were nothing serious! But what about me instant pudding? This is no time for regrets, Maureen.

G--Granville, f--fetch your cloth! D--Do you have to g--gallop in as if your sh--shirt's on fire?! I didn't know you were working on the door! Well, I am! Th--This door here.

I hope you've m--made a note of that.

-- This one here! -- Right! The one I've just c--closed with me nose! What are you doing, anyway? What? Apart from bleeding, you mean? Stop making such a fuss.

It's OK.

It's just red, that's all.

Red? Come 'ere, let's have a look.

Oh, dear! You've r--ruined me chances with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel! -- She'll think I'm a di--di--di -- So you are! -- A what? -- A dirty old man! I'm trying to say dipsomaniac! Let me finish! You never had any chances with her.

We're just waiting for f--favourable circumstances, happier times, like when her mother dies! Why does the nurse always act as though she can't stand you? It's a woman's way.

You wouldn't understand.

You shouldn't discourage me from these discussions! I'd like to ask you all sorts of questions about life.

Like why are you so mean when it comes to money? Granville, just remember that under the British p--punitive tax system, a pound in the pocket is worth three at the accountants! Could you become a father without noticing after some wine at a party? No, I could not, because I d--don't d--drink wine at parties.

And if you take my WHAT PARTY?! No, no, no party! Just a hypothetical question, isn't it? -- Where have you been?! -- I haven't been anywhere! -- That you can remember! -- That I can remember! I've been waiting for this to happen! I knew it would! I've seen you m--mooning about! You've been miles away, haven't you? That's all fine in the shop, but there are some jobs where it pays to remember what you're doing! -- It wasn't her, was it? -- No! Thank God for that! I'd never have believed you'd be such a fool! If anybody asked, I'd have sworn blind you were still unsoiled.

I'd have sworn blind I was still unsoiled! If you'd seen the hours I've spent trying to get soiled, and nothing! Then it happens while me back's turned! It can't happen when your back's turned.

That's an anatomical impossibility! Anyway, spare me the s--sordid details! I don't know the details! I must've been born under an unlucky star! Quite possible, the nights your mother spent in Clayburn's haystack! Trust me to find I'd been instructed in pleasure when I wasn't looking.

Come and hold this door, come on.

If you'll take my advice, you'll do the right thing.

-- What's that? -- Deny everything vigorously! You're not putting another bolt on the door?! I know where I should be putting a bolt on! For the moment, I'm putting it on this door! You've got 22 on there already.

I don't want the b--burglars in here again! I have to open this door every morning! By the time I've finished, I'm pooped for the rest of the day! Watch your language! Just because you think you're the ph--phantom parent! I will not have you throwing your weight about! I've an idea -- tonight, if I wake you up every half hour, how--how loud do you think you could bark? It's funny how you can suddenly ruin your life.

Mind you, I've been trying for ages.

The trouble is, being open all hours, I don't get out enough.

So when I did get out, that night at Elsie's party, I must have gone mad.

Funny, the only thing I can remember clearly is playing a few hands at this Monopoly school in the conservatory.

I bought property in Soho! I should have been warned.

Eat your chips.

I don't want them.

They're cold.

And I've got no appetite.

I feel as though I've got this hard lump right in here! Well, you've eaten your beefburger, now eat your chips! It's not beefburger, it's guilt! I should think you d--do feel guilty! A young life wasted because of my lust for elderberry wine! I'm talking about wasting them lovely chips! Look at that one there.

Here I am suffering an emotional crisis, and all you can say is "Eat your chips"! That's the soundest advice you'll ever get for an emotional crisis.

There's all them over--privileged society neurotic women -- lying on psychiatrists -- You what?! Psychiatrists' couches! Let me finish my words, please! And the best thing for them would be a plateful of chips! It never happens in great literature like that! You never see Hamlet coming on, wringing his hands, saying "To be or not to be" and a voice yelling, "Eat your chips!" Oh, dear! G--Granville, f--fetch your cloth! W--What are you supposed to be doing now? I thought I might change my personality.

You will if you keep walking into them handlebars! Would you clean this nameplate? Me name's Arkwright, not Darkwright! These are all right outside, it's in here, the Land of the 40--Watt Bulb! Well, I believe in saving energy.

I wish you believed in saving mine! From what I've heard of you lately, you're not fervent about it yourself! -- I watched it happening.

-- More than I did! I saw it going off the rails.

It all started when we had B--Bee--Bee--Bee B--B--Bee Bee It's no good.

You know I can't understand Morse code! I'm trying to say B--B--BBC2! Look, there's two ways that a young man can go wrong in this life.

Crime and higher education.

I don't know which is worse.

At least a criminal can get time off for good behaviour.

But with BBC 2 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Well, I've got to change me life.

I can't stay like this forever.

I mean, how can you look debonair in a pinny?! I saw the way things were going when you put r--racing transfers on your cycle clips! I noticed when Sean Connery left, the trouble they had finding a new Bond, I never heard my name whispered about.

I bet they never said, "Why don't we get Granville?" All I ever get is, "Granville, f--fetch your cloth!" Listen, just mount your powerful, single--seater, gleaming black, sinister machine, Double--0 heck?! Get these deliveries off round the town.

Take that biological whatsit to Fingle Street.

See if we can aid Mrs Jarvis in her h--hunt for the ultimate detergent.

Can't I wait until it's dark? Oh, and you'd better knock loudly at Mrs Hemingway's.

You know how busy she'll be if that decorator's still in.

Oh, if Mrs Ogden gets a bit polite, just watch it.

It means she's trying to get out of paying.

Then hurry back here.

We've got to make this door burglar--proof an' all.

How long have you had a dog? I've never seen a dog! Th--That's because it moves like a panther.

We keep it in the back, in here in a den cunningly constructed out of b--baked bean tins.

The whole floor is strewn with human remains.

And sc--schoolboys caps! WOOF WOOF WOOF! Get down! Get down! WOOF! Get down! What's his name? I don't know his name.

I've never been able to get near enough to read his collar.

-- You haven't got a dog.

-- Listen Why aren't y--you at school? -- I've got chickenpox.

-- Oh, get out! Get out! I don't need waiting on, Mr Arkwright.

My pleasure, Gladys Emmanuel.

We all know that! Tell me, what would you in the m--medical profession recommend for a love bite? Your own teeth! (HISSING ) You look like a Japanese fighter pilot.

Been cycling round Pearl Harbor again? No, me chain came off.

Mrs Ogden let me wash me hands.

-- Hope you got the money! -- Yes, yes.

Come on.

I told you, get it in the till! You must regard the pound note as a little fish out of water.

Common decency demands that you get it as quickly as you can into its little aquarium.

If you're risking that vicious spring clip, I don't want to look! Don't be daft, you only have to j--jiggle it a bit! One of these days, your reactions will get slower.

Do you want your fingers burying or cremating? I want them round your earhole if you don't do something in this shop! Get the bike in! "Get the bike in" (!) "Beware the dog"? What dog? You don't n--need a dog.

You only need a sign.

It deters them.

That'll keep the burglars away! Everybody knows we haven't got a dog! Sshh! We have! Woof woof woof! If they want to break in, that won't stop 'em! It'll make 'em think twice.

Oh, yes (!) I can see them outside saying, "Oh, no, Charlie, don't go in! We'll be mauled by a big ugly sign!" We'll just have to think of something more convincing.

(NURSE) Sheer medical poetry! Coronary in motion.

Has he got any vascular history? I don't think he's got any O Levels.

-- What does he think he's doing? -- I've got no idea.

He said he were going out to borrow something.

-- Not to buy anything? -- No, he wasn't upset enough.

You can laugh, but I'll be on guard tonight so you can s--sleep safe in your bed.

Come to think of it, I can arrange it so we c--can both sleep safe in your bed! Oh, thank you.

M--Me hand's still shaking, but I've got the hang of it.

It knows who's master.

Certainly looked like it.

It's all in the t--t--tone of voice.

Yeah, it was all in yours -- blind panic! All right, don't crit there siticising.

It's me who had to risk l--life and limb.

Where did you get it? C--Cooper's Kennels have got it for the weekend.

(DOG BARKS) I feel safer knowing it's walking about in the shop.

There'll be no one wandering round behind my counter now.

-- (BARK) -- Not even me! -- What does it eat? -- People, I hope! Flaming b--burglars! (SNARLS AND BARKS) Get off! Look, sir (TINKLE AS COIN HITS GROUND ) (GROWLS) Don't forget to tell your friends about Arkwright's budget prices (BARKING ) .

.

and the ferocious wild dog we've got at the back! Thank you very much.

Get down, I've told you, lad! Go on! (BARKING CONTINUES) Ah, Mrs Brocklesby, the usual? Yes? It always is, isn't it? Two pints of extra strong exportable and an ounce of black shag.

There we are.

Now, then, anything for Mr Brocklesby this evening? No.

Is heis he all right for knitting patterns? All right, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

(BARKING ) You naughty dog! (BARKS) Good, in't it? Lifelike.

Hope you haven't rubbed my soul music off.

No, that's on the other track.

In my young day, when someone had something on his sole, he was expected to scrape it off! I don't know why you didn't keep the dog.

He was eating a cubic yard of dog meat every day! Have you seen the price of that stuff?! Cheaper to let the burglars in once a week to help themselves! That's my tape recorder and I'd like it back.

I often play something in my room.

It's what you play in other people's rooms that worries me! It's fine for you, but I'm very young to have such responsibility.

I'm not even going to consider that remark! Just get outside and find that money I d--dropped on the p--pavement.

-- It's pitch dark! -- Listen, with inflation as it is, it won't be worth looking for if we don't find it before morning! (WOOF!) You'll have to be a b--bit more awake if we're to catch these b--burglars! There, now then! I'd like to see anyone g--getting through that in the dark without getting his c--conscience pricked! But there's only the two of us.

We can't guard it all.

There's not only the shop to look after.

There's the pavement where you think you might have lost a shilling! There's no m--might about it.

I know when I've lost a shilling! Me pulse races and I have difficulty in breathing.

-- Anyhow, it's my night off.

-- I'm not stopping you.

I'm going to do eight to 12, and you'll do 12 to eight.

You can't be fairer than that.

What happens in the morning if you find someone hanging there? I shall make a th--thorough examination of the body to see there's nothing of mine in his pockets! (URGENT BANGING ) All right I'm coming.

(MORE BANGING ) She won't have the baby before I get there! I said I'm Ooh! J--J--Just passing.

On a ladder? Y--You haven't seen any money on the pavement, have you? No, I haven't! If you climbed up here to ask that, you want a tight bandage round your neck! Look, you know I s--said you were going to sl--sleep safely in your bed? I was just checking to see you're doing it properly.

And you woke me up to ask me! That's using your brains (!) I'm going to b--be on patrol here all night.

-- You great tomfool! -- Oh! Good Lord! L--I just wanted to t--tell you both that if you hear suspicious noises, it'll only be me breathing heavy.

And you think that's a comfort -- knowing you're creeping about like Wee Willie Winkie? Get off down and let me close this window! No, I've got an alternative plan.

What will folk think if they see you with a ladder here?! That's my alternative plan.

If I brought it in Get out! Oh, dear.

You should be ashamed of yourself! Leaving Granville in that shop if you expect trouble! He's not in the shop.

He's gone off out.

Well, who's that walking about in there now? Oh, that'll be That's bu--bu--bu (CRASH ) .

.

bu--bu--bu--bloody burglars! (RUSTLING ) Oh, G--Granville, come out! Er That shilling you lost.

It's not behind here, either.

Oh, you an' all?! Listen, I c--could have sh*t you p--point blank! And that's a terrible place to be wounded! Then who'd ride the shop bike, eh? We were only cuddling a bit.

Anyway, it's all right.

Our little Eric is Maureen's sister's little Eric! She were only looking after him.

I got it wrong.

So the way I feel, I don't care if we get burglars! Oh, very nice (!) Very cosy! Come on, outside, both of you! And don't forget, you're on guard tonight, 12 till eight! (BANG ) Oh, me best ceiling down, look! What if somebody had been up there?! Who'd have been up there? What, on the ceiling? How many people do we get sheltering on our ceiling? I mean, upstairs in the room above! That's my room above.

You could have been peppered with sh*t! I'd have to move bloody fast, wouldn't I? Fire the g*n down here, and run upstairs in time to get sheppered with pot! -- You mean peppered with sh*t.

-- I know what I mean! Now, come on, both of you! I don't think your uncle likes me.

It's nothing personal, Maureen.

It's just that he doesn't like everybody! They all think I'm a g--grasping old man.

Especially Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

She thinks I'd g--grasp hold of anything.

It's quite obvious she thinks I'm unmoved by art or music.

Maybe if I could l--learn to play something.

Mind you, it's amazing the volume of sound I can produce just by running one finger lightly up and down her left legl