02x04 - The New Suit

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And I'll have a dozen da--da--date A dozen da--da--date I'll have a dozen date and walnut.

And don't think that's three dozen I've just ordered.

G--Granville! I can't hear you m--moving.

I don't pay you for not moving.

Hey! Never mind the tap dancing, Gene Kelly.

Get on with it.

Just having a quiet think.

(HE TUTS) What's wrong with a quiet think? You'll finish up with blackheads and a greasy complexion.

Do we live life at such a pace that there's no time to pause? -- Pausing can be dangerous.

-- How can it be dangerous? If I catch you at it, I'll hit you with that brush.

The shopkeeper's first commandment -- thou shalt not be motionless.

It's pouring with rain.

I cannot sweep the pavement today.

Then mop it, poppet, mop it.

You don't like getting up in the morning.

I don't mind the morning, it's getting up in the middle of the night! -- It's a question of attitude.

-- Yeah.

I know yours.

Greet the day with a smile, put a bit of energy into it and make a firm resolve to always help somebody every day to spend a few bob.

Gene Kelly never used to complain when it rained.

No.

Mind you, he had a fair bit of overtime, didn't he? Debbie Reynolds.

(HUMS "SINGIN' IN THE RAIN") (ORCHESTRA JOINS IN) What are you doing? Stop all this terpsichory.

Come on in before someone sees you.

You'll be sorry, snapping your legs open like that.

Why are you throwing raw sausages about, Granville? I wondered what that was then.

It was a sausage.

Now it is a sausage with f--fluff on it.

Look at that.

You could copyright that.

Granville's f--fluffy sausages for stuffing sofas.

Silly fool.

I was just reading when this big slimy creepy--crawlie thing came sliding in.

That'll be Mr Mclntyre for his embrocation.

Do you believe there is a destiny that shapes our ends? Funny you should say that, you know.

I was sitting here contemplating my breakfast, wondering if there was a destiny that shapes our ends.

You must have an opinion.

All right.

I must stress that this is only a layman's opinion, but I think that if the average man had been responsible for shaping his own end, then things would have turned out a lot better looking.

-- I'm being serious.

-- Why do you read these creepy stories? I'm interested in the supernatural.

So am I.

So am I.

I'm interested in things that go bump in the night.

The trouble is to get Nurse Gladys Emmanuel interested.

Don't delay me.

I've got patients to see.

You mustn't soil these medicinal hands, my love.

-- I'm only wiping me windscreen.

-- Not while I'm here.

No fiancée of mine is going to stoop to menial chores while I'm present.

Right, then.

Granville, fetch a cloth! Leave him alone, you sl*ve driver! -- I might have known.

-- He'll do it for you.

He won't.

He's got quite enough on his plate.

He seems to have time to sit there filling his head with ho--ho--horror stories.

Well, I suppose it's only natural.

-- He's been living with a monster for years.

-- Oh, I see.

I can come and bite your neck when your mother's gone to bed.

-- I'm washing me hair tonight.

-- Again? You washed it last week.

-- Why are you washing it again? -- Going out tomorrow.

-- Out? -- That's right.

Out.

Out? On a Sunday? Don't you get enough excitement during the week checking on people's bowel movements without gallivanting around on a Sunday? No need to get so upset.

I'm only going out.

I'm not doing anything shocking, like asking you for credit.

-- Where are you going? -- Mind your own allotment.

That's a nice thing to say to someone who hand picks your Walnut Whipples for you.

It's nothing to get hyper--tense about.

Save that for the Inland Revenue.

-- That's a terrible thing to say.

-- What is? Inland Revenue.

Here, why don't I come with you, eh? You wouldn't enjoy it.

It's a sort of medical gathering.

I've heard about them sorts of gatherings.

Nurses and doctors all playing doctors and nurses.

You don't want me with you, do you? You wouldn't enjoy it.

Anyway, you're not taking me anywhere till you get a new suit.

Oh, dear.

What's wrong with me suit? If you want a medical opinion, I've seen better things on the floors of ambulances.

Don't look so miserable.

It was bound to happen.

You need a new suit.

-- Well, I don't see why.

-- I'll tell you why.

I'm not going out with you until you get a new suit.

W--When I bought it, it were a new suit! Granville, in your opinion, is there any need for me to waste money on a new suit? Yes.

-- If that's your attitude -- You asked me.

-- I know.

I respect your opinion.

-- Right, then.

But the way I phrased the question, it was obvious you should have said no.

Oh, I see.

Well, you do need a new suit.

Who asked your opinion? Lovely child, madam.

Bring him to Bickerdyke when he needs a formal garment.

Lovely little chap.

-- Morning, Arkwright.

-- Morning, Bickerdyke.

-- How's shopkeeping? -- There's no money about.

Enough for a new suit.

You did ask me to call.

Yes.

I'm looking for something hard--wearing and How can I put it? Cheap? You always had a very shrewd business instinct, Bickerdyke.

You should go far.

-- How is the tailoring? -- There's no money about.

We're all feeling the squeeze.

What with this new slimming fad, I bet the bottom's gone from your ladies' trousers.

Are you still knocking off the district nurse? Are you still knocking off a discount for cash? I can do a good price for the fuller figure.

How is Mrs Bickerdyke? Hard--working, conscientious, upright still as miserable as ever.

-- What colour did you have in mind? -- I usually have navy.

Usually? It's 30 years since you had a new suit.

You call that usually? -- Does that feel comfortable? -- Fine.

But I can't just wear a ta--tape measure.

What have you got that's rugged, hard--wearing and tough? -- Apart from Mrs Bickerdyke.

-- Oh, that woman! 47.

I shall need something with a reinforced back pocket.

-- 47.

-- Oh.

It's not as if I don't like women.

I'm not biased.

I can get on with other men's wives.

Not as often as I'd like maybe.

-- Oh.

46.

-- That makes a change, doesn't it? What about you and that Mrs Ta--Ta--Tattersall? Well, she's not getting any younger.

In fact She's becoming a bit of a nuisance.

What she needs is a reconciliation with her husband.

A return to the arms of a patient, good man.

-- But he's dead.

-- I know.

Enough of other people's problems.

Look at these samples.

Samples are no good.

I can't wear samples.

I want something I can wear tomorrow.

You mean something of the peg? I don't want the peg left in it, do I? I want something ready to wear.

-- I'll see what I can find.

-- Yes.

-- You know your inside leg? -- As well as anybody.

-- Do you know how long it is? -- Yes.

It's just the right length.

-- We'll soon find out.

-- Right.

It's all right, Mrs Blewitt.

It's the VAT man come for an arm and a leg.

I'll see what I've got in van.

I'm going to get a rebate.

Don't worry, Mrs Blewitt.

He's just my tailor.

-- Measuring you for new trousers? -- No.

He was just giving me an MOT on the old ones.

What can I do you for, Mrs Blewitt? I'll have half a pound of rice, please.

Half a pound of rice.

Certainly.

Sweet or savoury? -- Well, it's for throwing at a wedding.

-- Oh.

-- White or brown? -- White, I suppose.

I only ask because we've had quite a few brown weddings here lately.

What's this free gift, Arkwright? It's not like you.

No.

It's competition, Mrs Blewitt.

It's an incentive for the small shopper.

It's a handy container in a choice of colours.

What colour would you like? How do I know when I don't know what it is? Allow me to choose it for you.

Let me see.

That's half a pound of rice.

That'll be 16p.

-- Anything else while you're here? -- Where's me free gift? I've put your rice in it.

-- A brown paper bag?! -- That's right, yes.

Would you prefer a white one to match the rice? Or a black one to match the look on your face.

Oh, God, me jacket's fixed.

Stupid damn key! Why don't you throw that old suit away? I'm going to have it dry cleaned and put it away for second best.

In a perfect world, this suit should be pressed every night underneath Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

I wonder where she's going tomorrow.

I wish she'd tell me.

You're not still reading them horror stories? If my father was Hungarian, it's just possible I could be related to Count Dracula.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

I don't look much like Dracula dressed like this.

I'd fail abysmally as a vampire dressed like this.

You're not tall enough to go round biting people in the neck.

I could carry a stool.

Listen.

You could be absolutely world famous if you were the first vampire to bite people in the elbow.

Oh, don't frighten me like that.

Get old Bickerdyke to drive his van round the corner and we can bring the suits in the back.

I don't want people gawping.

Is it all right if I? -- Do you reckon he'd let me drive it? -- If he doesn't, bite his elbow.

(STARTS ENGINE) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Get that down your neck.

That'll settle your nerves.

Thanks.

You're a pal.

-- And your nephew's a lunatic.

-- How was I to know? -- Didn't you hear me screaming? -- Not a thing.

I was trying to shout through Harris tweed.

I had me head buried in it.

You can smell the peat smoke.

I never heard a thing.

I was just concentrating on my driving.

-- Me legs were going wobbly at the knees! -- I only drove a few yards.

Me legs were going in all directions! Which reminds me, boy, I knew your mother.

Really? How well did you know me mother? Oh, quite well.

Well, when I say quite well, I mean hardly at all really.

Drink your beer, Eli.

-- Eli? -- What's wrong with Eli? Nothing.

One of me favourite names is Eli.

Don't stand there grimacing.

Deal with the customers.

-- What customers? -- Eli, for a start.

He's just bought two beers.

84p.

How well did he know me mother? Just smile and take his money.

That's what she would have done.

-- It's like that, is it?! -- No, it's not like that at all.

You know your mother never used her head for business.

Quite the reverse, in fact.

Eli, let's have a look at that natty suiting of yours.

-- Hello, Granville, love.

-- Hello.

I'll take me bread now.

That'll be 54, please.

-- Haven't you got the right change? -- I don't think so.

-- Sorry, love.

-- It's all right.

Do you reckon they can stitch fingers back on these days? -- Get him to slacken that spring.

-- It's all right.

You get used to it.

Oh, is that the dulcet tones of Nurse Gladys? You've got a couple of nice squashy ones there.

-- What's it wearing now? -- What? I don't mind you in stripes for a change, but you could hire yourself out as a deckchair! No.

I'm not going to buy stripes.

I'm just trying this on for size.

Excuse me.

Would you like to try this on for size? Give it here, Deirdre.

Nothing to it.

With that and the bacon slicer, how do you cope? Give us a clue.

Where are we going tomorrow, eh? -- You mean where am I going.

-- I wish you'd let me come with you.

You hear terrible stories about what happens to women in lonely places.

You never hear what happens to errand boys in lonely places.

I've been assaulted three times in the last few years.

-- There you are! -- And every time it was you.

Stop it.

I think I've found something.

Try this.

-- Now, that's a nice change.

-- The lady has an eye.

That's not all she's got.

-- She's got a good left hook and all.

-- Try it on.

When I try it on, that's when I get the left hook! There you are.

Slant pockets, single vent, very sporting.

Modelled on the traditional hacking jacket.

-- I like that.

-- Hey -- It's got a slit up the back.

-- The single vent.

In society magazines, you can see the Duke of Winchester has one just like it.

The Duke of Winchester's got a slit up the back? For sporting purposes, certainly.

I blame the public schools, you know.

It's no good.

As a shopkeeper, I can't walk around with a slit up the back.

No.

I should always be worried about security at the rear of me premises.

Men! They're stubborn at his age.

-- You can't do a lot with them.

-- Set in their ways.

I nurse them, you don't need to tell me.

They're just as bad lying in bed.

I get more trouble from one pair of pyjamas than 15 nighties.

Why didn't you put this one out? This is what I call a suit.

That's your old suit.

Is it? Oh, yes, it's got the utility mark inside.

Haven't you got something similar to this? Yes.

I didn't think you'd want same again.

Yes.

I'll have it exactly the same again.

If you've got some sort of new suit, you can pick me up at two o'clock tomorrow.

What do you think of the new suit, Granville? You needn't explode with enthusiasm! If I'd known you'd get excited, I wouldn't have asked.

-- It's like your old suit.

-- Not entirely.

-- It looks like your old suit.

-- But it differs in certain p--particulars.

-- Like where? -- It's got a A pshh--wshh.

What the heck's a pish--wishy? You know, a pssh--wssh! -- A zip fly.

-- Oh, a zip fly! God.

Well, I'll go to the foot of my sock! It's not funny.

He hadn't got a single suit on that van with a button fly.

Everybody has zip flies these days.

No wonder it's the age of the microchip! I am used to having a b--button fly.

B--button flies went out with Queen Victoria.

Well, I'm going out with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel! A different matter entirely.

The zip works, doesn't it? Does it? Does it? How can you tell unless you keep trying it? See? You can't keep out and going! I've got to.

How else can I reassure myself? Old Bickerdyke should have warned me.

-- Hey, that reminds me.

-- What? -- How well did Bickerdyke know my mother? -- Not very well at all.

Tailors are prone to exaggeration.

Comes of sitting cross--legged on hard surfaces for long p--periods.

(HONKS HORN) -- You made me b--buy a new suit for this? -- You needed one.

-- Not for this.

-- You would insist on coming.

Well, you made such a secret of it.

As a qualified medical person, I have to approach this fringe medicine with discretion.

I'll give him a chance to cure me wart.

I've tried everything else.

Your wart? -- What are you doing? -- Never you mind.

Why don't we see what it's like, Doris? -- We might have to kneel down.

-- They reckon he heals people.

No.

I don't fancy it.

Not with my back.

Excuse me, but you'll have to excuse me.

-- Where are you going? -- Guess.

I'll go and get a seat.

Hurry up, you'll miss it.

-- You are a fidget.

-- I'm sorry, but I have to spend a p--penny.

You? Spend a penny? You're splashing out, aren't you? Hopefully, in a minute, yes.

You're feeling relaxed.

You're tired.

You want to sleep.

You're going to sleep.

A deep, deep sleep.

What is wrong with you? My pshh--wssh is stuck.

-- What's stuck? -- You know, my pshh--wssh.

I knew I shouldn't have trusted it.

I don't suppose his curative powers extend to that sort of thing.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Once moreof what use now is a crutch? I'm beginning to wonder.

Trust you to come out looking worse than when you went in.

Didn't do him much good, did it? They say sometimes it works by delayed action.

There you are.

What a shame.

A relapse.

It's been a tiring day.

It's a long walk home with your knees bent.

She was quite right not to allow me in her Morris Minor in my condition.

Trouble is, in spite of recent advances in medical hypnotism, there's still not much anyone can do about healing an open zip.

I wonder if I'm still engaged.

Oh, she'll come round.

I might pop across later and take her mind off her wart.