04x02 - Horse-Trading

[bunniefuu]

Come on, then, Granville.

Get up there.

Start writing in b-beautifully fashioned shopkeeper's script, just like I taught you.

Plenty of curlicues and s-serifs.

Serifs.

Oh, I like that.

''Support your local Serif.

'' Shut up and get on with it.

Big letters.

Special per.

Special per.

Pair?

-No.

Special per.

-Pair of what?

Special p.

Oh, that special pair.

Special perprice.

Price! Special price! Hang on.

Hang on.

You can't move round here for grocers in your bosom.

What are you doing?

I-I can't remember exactly.

But it's not a bad place to be doing it.

Good morning, Granville.

Did you get me note yesterday?

-The one you left in the bottle?

-Ah, that's the one.

Very unusual note to a milkwoman.

-I know, it took me ages.

-I'm not surprised.

Usually the notes I get say things like, ''No cream today, please.

'' I was very intrigued to find yours saying things like.

(SHUSHING) -You never know who's listening.

-Look at you now getting all nervous.

I can't believe the writer of that note is the cautious type.

No, on paper, I'm different.

That's true.

You spelt ''kiss'' with three s's.

Maybe because my kisses have got three s's.

See?

Three s's.

So, one kiss, one bottle.

Would you like to go for two bottles?

(GRANVILLE MOANING) Well, what are y-you doing with that lot?

I thought I'd bake a custard.

You d-don't like custard.

I do if it's spelt with seven s's.

What do we need c-custard for when we've got you?

Hey, they're not bad these.

I'd forgotten we'd got these.

Yeah, they're the sort of things I could easily forget, too.

Oh, I forgot more than two.

I f-forgot all ten.

-Ten?

-Yes.

You mean we're stuck with ten of them?

Oh, no, here we go.

I can feel another sales drive coming on.

They're all right, are these.

These are honest, sturdy, reliable w-wooden clothes horses.

Nobody wants those clumsy old things anymore.

I mean, they look like five bar gates.

Well, we'll just have to re-educate people into the advantages of old-f-fashioned ruggedness, won't we, hey?

Well, yes.

Well, t-t-the hinges have just rotted a bit, that's all, Granville.

Some new hinges on there, they'll l-last a customer a lifetime.

I don't know.

Depends if he lives longer than a fortnight, doesn't it?

Nobody's gonna want to bother to lug those old things home.

We c-can deliver.

Oh, I see.

That means I'm going to lug those old things home, does it?

Well, it's all p-part of the personal service, G-Granville.

Yeah, I know.

Why is it I always get the hard labour part?

Well, it'll take your mind off this milkwoman any road.

Hey! Watch it.

Don't go battering your batter p-pudding at me, please.

-That is not batter pudding.

That is flaky pastry.

-Oh.

I may not have all the trappings of a 007.

It's quite true, the careful observer may notice the absence of the Aston Martin Lagonda, and there are some who will doubt that this shirt is in fact handcrafted in Bond Street, but I do have the deftest touch with flaky pastry.

''There he goes,'' they'll say.

''Look, there's that Granville.

''You should see his flaky pastry.

'' Some say puff pastry, but that's a wicked lie.

Don't excite yourself, G-Granville.

Just think clothes horses.

Why did you want to buy those old silly things for anyway?

We are all of us the richer for a little elementary g-greed, Granville.

It's a powerful evolutionary tool.

I got these at the right p-price.

They were army surplus.

And we won?

Makes you wonder what sort of state the enemy clothes horses must've been in.

Don't you get the feeling that life is passing you by?

People are passing you by?

Especially girls.

Young girls who wear high heels and work in offices.

It's not the height of the heel, it's t-the depth of the purse that counts, Granville.

Learn that and you might g-get somewhere.

There you are, you see, money! All you ever think about is money.

A man must be allowed his own religious convictions.

Fair's fair.

Yeah, but what about people?

Don't you care about people?

People are all v-very well as far as they go, but you can't retire on them.

You can't tuck them under your mattress of a night-time, can you?

Though your mother has been known to try.

There you go again, me mother.

We can't hold any sort of conversation without you dragging me mother into it.

Why don't you leave her alone?

Eh?

At least she wasn't money-grabbing all the time.

No, I heard she was very reasonable.

She wasn't just out for what she could get.

No, but she always got what she went out for.

Sometimes she didn't even have to go out for it.

There was these Hungarian sailors, used to come to the door.

Sailors?

You never told me that before.

Of course they were s-sailors, you barmpot.

You don't think they walked over here, do you?

I imagined they were expert horsemen, riding through the night to get to her side.

The nearest they ever got to horses was the Nag's Head in Rollaston Street.

They used to get chucked out of there regular for indulging in swordplay, you know.

-You're making all this up, aren't you?

-Yes.

Just to get me going, just to take me mind off girls who are passing me by.

Yes.

Maybe I ought to join the Hungarian Navy.

I wonder if they have a cavalry section.

-What marital aids?

-I've been d-dreading this moment.

I knew the time would come when I would have to explain the facts of life to a H-Hungarian.

-We've got no marital aids.

-Oh, yes, we have.

We've got ten solid wooden c-clothes horses.

Ideal for washdays.

If they're not a marital aid, I d-don't know what is.

Think on.

Hey, look, there's these, Granville.

Stuck down behind the back of that old c-cupboard.

Hey?

Oh, Granville, this will make you proud.

I bet there's not many high class establishments in this area still stocking (STUTTERING) Braddock's Bulldog Brand Finest Black Lead.

Nobody bothers to polish old black stoves and grates anymore.

-How are we gonna sell this stuff, then, eh?

-There must be other uses for this stuff.

We will just have to c-create a demand, G-Granville.

Oh, here's old Thorndyke.

Come on in, Thorndyke.

D-don't dither on the doorstep.

I hate people d-dithering on me doorstep.

He has to s-sweep it up in the morning.

-I was just wondering.

-You do right, Thorndyke.

C-Come in and have a good w-wonder.

-I couldn't help noticing your sign.

-Oh, yes?

W-what sign is that, then?

Oh, yes.

-Marital aids?

-Not so loud! In absolute confidence it says.

-Absolutely.

-''Enquire within.

'' it says, ''for details.

'' ''Where's the harm?

'' I thought, enquiring within for details.

-Yes.

Granville, the register.

-You what?

Well, never mind.

That'll do there.

I'll use this, here.

Here we are, T-Thorndyke.

-Sign there, please.

-What's this for?

That is a release against any c-claim for damages due to overexertion following the purchase of certain items in this establishment.

-I call it the Happy Release.

-Is it that good?

Eh?

Is it that good?

I shouldn't be s-selling it to people of your advancing years really, T-Thorndyke.

Don't be like that.

Great.

Where is it, then?

No, no, forget it, Thorndyke.

It's for a younger market altogether.

I'm young for me age, ask anybody.

-G-Going a bit g-grey, though, aren't you?

-Only on me head.

Tin looks a bit tatty.

Well, it has to be s-smuggled in, you see, doesn't it?

Black lead?

-What do I want with black lead?

-Touch up the grey, won't you?

-With black lead?

-Y-yes, it doesn't only colour the hair up again, it adds a little b-bit of black lead to your p-per.

Oh, no, don't bother with it.

No, go home, T-Thorndyke, before it c-changes your life.

Changes me life?

What, that stuff?

Have you ever thought why the Victorians had such l-large families?

And I thought the Victorians just used to bung it on the stoves.

Yes, well, a few of the more adventurous ones used to try that.

The rest used the b-black lead, you see.

I say, do you need the change?

I'll say.

Have you seen the wife?

You do talk a load of old rubbish.

Yeah, I'm m-managing to s-sell quite a bit of it and all.

-There we are there, that's the lot.

-Right.

ARKWRIGHT: Oh.

They're c-coming from far and wide.

-A very good day to you, sir.

-(IN YORKSHIRE ACCENT) How do.

Lovely day.

By 'eck! Thou's got this place just right.

That's very nice of you to say so, sir.

We do try.

I can see that.

It's marvellous.

There aren't many places left as grotty as this.

How do you manage it?

G-G-Grotty?

Oh, it's just a gift.

He has this amazing flair, you see, for being tight-fisted.

Aye, well, that helps.

Look at this! I love this.

That's real tat.

Look, w-what do you w-want?

-We've never met.

I'm Gupta.

-Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I thought you were looking a-a bit peaky.

I've got just the thing for you, sir.

Here, try this three times a day after meals.

-The name is Gupta.

Albert Gupta.

-74p, Albert.

I'm of mixed parentage, as you might guess.

Oh, yes, I s-spotted that s-straightaway.

As soon as you started calling this place g-grotty, I thought, ''Hello, he's of a mixed parentage.

If at all.

'' Don't get me wrong.

We're colleagues.

I'm in the same line of business.

Me, too.

I'm a Yorkshire shopkeeper.

Well, why not?

My errand lad's Hungarian.

Well, I'm half Hungarian.

Yes, his m-mother used to mix with a lot of parents and all.

Eventually she became one.

-She was of the liberal, ph-philosophical bent.

-I never knew that.

Oh, yes.

She was one of the first around here to subscribe to the big bang theory.

So, what are you doing in these p-parts, then?

I've been studying to make my little place just like this, borderline seedy.

You've g-got a little p-place r-round here?

How n.

How n.

How near round here?

Oh, I'm streets away.

I've got this good steady Indian clientele, no bother at all.

It's the Yorkshire customers.

They're very weird customers to cr*ck.

Between you and me, sometimes I wish they'd all bog off back to York.

But hey up, kid, thou's cracked it round here all right.

No one is ever going to accuse you of being flash.

You walk in here and straightaway you feel, ''Poor old lad, he needs the money.

'' I love it.

I love it! -How do you do it?

-Well, I'll tell you.

The whole thing is based on keeping an element of v-very old s-stock.

You see, it gives you a background to your t-tatty ambiance.

Go on.

Very old stock such as what?

Well, there's this stuff here.

There you are.

If you've anything black that needs buffing up, that'll do it.

-Then we have these here, you see.

-What is it?

A prefabricated chicken coop?

Oh, you may laugh.

They stand these around the fire, you see.

These are the good old d-domestic clothes horses.

They hang their c-clothes on them to dry.

It's a Yorkshire t-tribal custom.

Ye gods, it's primitive.

-What kind of plastic are they made of?

-P-P-Plastic?

That's made of wooden wood, that is, off trees.

Wood?

How many have you got?

How many do you want?

I can let you have, uh, ten?

-Can you deliver?

-Can we deliver?

They will be delivered to your door, sir, by the Hungarian n-naval cavalry.

Granville, on your troika.

Selling him ten.

The poor devil.

Now, now, Granville, we'll have no r-racial prejudice here.

Mr Gupta has every right to be c-conned same as anybody else.

Go on, off you go.

(GRUNTING) (GRANVILLE EXCLAIMING) (CRASHING) Well, don't deliver them here.

I'm t-trying to get rid of them.

They're gonna keep falling off every time I go around a corner.

G-Get yourself up and go and get some string.

Go on, one of the big b-balls.

No offence, Mrs Lakenby.

Come on, Granville, it'll be dark.

Come on, don't hang about.

I daren't hang anywhere with a load like this.

(EXCLAIMING) Look, you can make yourself comfy if you just j-jiggle things a bit.

Right.

Off you go.

Oh, dear.

Can't even ride a clothes horse.

Tell you what, though, you'd d-do very well in the slow bicycle race.

Look, you'll have to ring him up and tell him the deal's off.

-Never.

You can go on the bus.

-You what?

You can tie them around your body with string and g-go on the bus.

On a bus?

I doubt they'll let you take a string of horses on the bus.

Are you sure it restores hair?

It restores everything.

-Everything?

-Everything.

-Do I just rub it on?

-Yes.

On your head.

Yes, you rub it on with a gentle c-circular motion.

Of course, you can, if you like, get the lady of your c-choice to do it for you.

Bearing in mind she might finish up with a very hairy forefinger.

You just have to ask yourself, ''Could I live with a lady with a touch like a s-shaving brush?

'' -Mine's electric.

-Oh, lucky for you.

Ah! Oh, the smell of surgical spirit which heralds the advent of my m-medicated love.

What are you up to?

And just exactly what are these marital aids?

Oh, I thought you'd n-never ask.

Here.

Down, boy! That was a foolish question, I realise that.

Forget I ever said it.

Well, I've just sold them all anyway.

They've all gone.

We shall just have to manage with what nature endowed us with.

I must say she's given you a good s-start.

I'm going to manage with one of these brown loaves and two teacakes.

Yes, I know how you feel.

I f-fantasise meself sometimes.

Especially with teacakes.

Mind you, I think I'd be b-better off with t-two brown loaves.

And one of them yellow scouring pads.

Oh, yes, how is your mother?

Don't be awful.

Why not?

Why should she have the monopoly?

-You don't even try and like her.

-I would write to her g-gladly, if only s-she'd go away somewhere.

Preferably airmail letters.

(GROANING) I shall bear the bruises till me dying day.

He's only b-been on the bus.

They're very dramatic, these Hungarians, aren't they?

You tied the string too tight.

I've got a square ribcage.

And all me organs are rectangular.

That could be nasty in a tight squeeze.

What's he been doing to you, love?

Tied what too tight?

He's been out on a s-special delivery, if you'll p-pardon the medical expression.

Hey, G-Granville! Come out of there.

-You leave him alone.

-He's not alone in there, is he?

Three in a blouse is one too many.

Come on! And I've got the ugly one.

Look at that.

Get off.

Listen, don't b-bother about him.

When am I going to c-come over to your place for a bite?

Or failing that, something to eat?

Keep your voice down, you old fool.

He can't hear.

He's too busy counting his bruises.

And so will you be if you start your nonsense.

You know, isn't it a shame that s-so much of my nonsense is g-going to waste every day?

I mean, you never know how much you've got left, do you?

Wouldn't it be terrible if I r-ran out of nonsense during our nuptials?

-Our what?

-Our nuptials.

You know, when we're having an afternoon nup.

When we go on our honeymoon.

If we go on our honeymoon.

Don't forget the ''if''.

That's most important.

Oh, I won't.

I'll p-pack everything.

I mean.

No, I mean, where is a man on his honeymoon without his important ''if''?

Promise to be quiet and you can bring your nonsense and your ''if'' over for a bite of supper and a hand of cards when me mother's asleep.

Oh, that's lovely.

I'll teach you how to play s-strip snap.

Any talk of that nature, my lad, and you'll feel the full force of my knockout whist.

Oh, well, that would p-put paid to my nonsense.

-I'm going.

-Yes.

Put these on me bill.

I can't stand to watch any fiancé of mine feeding the jaws of that rotten till.

-I heard all that.

-You dirty devil.

You're going over there tonight, are you?

Leaving me here on me own.

You won't be on your own, Deirdre, you'll have your bruises.

Listen, what sort of a place has G-Gupta got, then?

He's got a nice little place.

Looks like a decent business.

Oh?

As big as ours?

-Bigger.

-Bigger?

The beggar.

Still, I've seen it all before.

He'll overreach himself.

Pride comes before a f-f-fourpenny one.

Why should I care?

I mean, why should I c-care what Gupta's up to?

Hello, Mr Arkwright.

Hello, Mr Gupta.

He's only just s-started stocking clothes horses.

-I've been stocking them for years.

-Only 'cause you forgot all about them.

I just had them in reserve, t-that's all.

I'll give him Yorkshire's Most Authentic General Store.

He's got a point.

No, actually, he's got ten points.

'Cause he's the one with all the genuine Yorkshire clothes horses, isn't he?

Well you will just have to go and b-buy a couple back, that's all.

Yeah, I.

Me?

Why me?

Well, he'll r-recognise me.

-Well, he'll r-recognise m-me.

-No, he won't.

We'll fix you up with a nice little disguise.

You don't honestly think I'm gonna get away with this, do you?

Well, I'll tell you what, I can get you a job with Richard Attenborough.

Look, if you can be Hungarian, you can be Indian.

Yes, but I've always been a male Hungarian.

Look, if you're gonna s-start splitting hairs.

Come on, you look wonderful.

That B-Bulldog Brand B-Black Lead has worked wonders with your complexion.

Yes, but Indians aren't black, they're a delicate olive colour.

Well, it's all right.

He'll just think you're from another part of Yorkshire.

Come on.

-Oh, heck.

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

What is it now?

There you are.

Go on.

And don't come back without any c-clothes horses.

-Look, do you want.

-Go on, go on! Who's going to recognise you?

Like your frock, Granville.

And don't let him overcharge you.

Excuse me.

Speaks the language like a native.

(CLAMOURING) Calm down, please.

Calm down, will you?

It's no good getting excited.

It's all very well, but it's coming off all over everything! Same here.

It's ruined me hat.

Look at me hat.

There's g-gratitude for you.

I introduce you to a superb s-substance, I let you into a trade secret, and all you can do is g-grumble about a f-few t-teething troubles.

-Teething troubles?

Missus is going crackers.

-So is mine.

You can see everywhere I've been.

Mine screams every time I lie down.

She says it's like somebody pointing a cannon at her.

Gentlemen, you seem to have overlooked the m-major benefits.

Major benefits?

Haven't you realised by now that you are absolutely irresistible t-to other women?

Especially f-foreign women.

I mean, the mysterious East.

They practically invented it out there, didn't they?

-Black lead polish?

-No, black lead polish.

I'm talking about sexu.

Sensualitity.

S-s-sensual S-s-sensual.

N-n-n-n-nookie.

Have you never heard of the K-Kama Sutra?

I suppose you're gonna try and sell us a bottle of that next?

It's not in a b-bottle.

You do it, don't you?

It's all to do with the Eastern harems and the Indian s-sultanas.

He is trying to sell us something! And what's sultanas got to do with it?

I d-don't mean the so-much-a-pound sultanas, you great Pontefract cake.

I'm talking about the mysterious, plump sultanas from the East.

They're called raisins.

There you are, then.

That proves my point entirely.

You see, they'll be m-mad for you.

-I'll take another two tins.

-I'll have two more.

ARKWRIGHT: Now, here we are.

Oh, dear.

Hello there, cuddly.

Hello, you're a nice little thing, aren't you?

There is something about these foreign women.

It's them big almond eyes.

(IN INDIAN ACCENT) Oh, no, I haven't got big almond eyes.

(GRANVILLE PROTESTING) Hey, hold on! Stop it! Get off! Hey, just a minute, you haven't paid for the (STUTTERING) Braddock's Bulldog Brand.

Oh, forget it, you can keep it.

It's been a funny day.

I wonder what our Granville's planning for supper?

I bet it's not tandoori chicken.

Street's quiet.

I like this area.

Well, you do when you know just about every brick and black suspender in it.

I must say, I'm looking forward to the game with Nurse Gladys tonight.

I get the premonition that the cards will be played very close to the chest.

And we all know whose chest, don't we?