01x08 - Fauxsa Unchained

[bunniefuu]

- [MORT CHUCKLES]

- [GROWLS]

- [MORT]

I'm okay! - [LAUGHS]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Party [JULIEN]

Check it, my peeps.

Julien had his army Until Pancho ratted him out They had to escape on a lifeboat Their survival is in doubt Mort deactivated Mom-Bot By squeezing into her head While Clover de-programmed the cult Before Sage ended up dead And Pam kicked Clover's butt [CLOVER]

It was one time! [JULIEN]

Chapter Ocho.

[MORT]

King Julien.

Come in, King Julien.

Please, King Julien.

Please come in.

No! No! My King Julien! Don't worry, Mort.

I'm sure King Julien is just fine wherever he is.

You know him.

[LAUGHING]

That guy.

Nothin' ever bothers him.

[ALL SCREAMING]

- This is it.

This is it.

- [ALL CRYING]

[ALL SCREAMING IN FEAR]

[LAUGHING]

- I think we're gonna make it.

- [ALL LAUGHING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[CRIES]

[TED]

Oh, hominy grits.

Incoming.

Hmm? - Huh? Ugh! - [SNORTING LIKE A PIG]

- [IMITATING ANIMALS]

- Sage, cut it.

Bird calls and monkey noises are the only things that soothe my bloated jejunum.

Whatever.

You need to shut it.

We are not alone.

[BABBLING IN DISTANCE]

Oh.

Oh, charades.

Two words.

"The tapeworm in the elephant sees all the world through a single peephole?" Ugh! No.

You circle that way, I'll go this way.

Meet you in the middle.

Stay frosty.

The only thing [BABBLING CONTINUES]

[GRUNTS]

Hi-yah! [SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Good morning to you, too, Sensei.

Jarsh-Jarsh? What are you doing here? The Jarsh-Jarsh is very proud of you both.

You have journeyed well, and for this, I have a great gift for you.

Huh.

Hmm? Come closer.

[SIGHS]

Closer.

[SIGHS IN ANNOYANCE]

Look into my eyes.

[GASPS]

Whoa.

[SNIFFS]

Jarsh-Jarsh! Jarsh-Jarsh! Jarsh-Jarsh! Jarsh-Jarsh! Jarsh-Jarsh! Jarsh-Jarsh! [GROANING]

[TED STRAINING]

Oh, thank Judy, the Goddess of Seafood.

We survived! - [LAUGHS]

Oh? - [FOOSA]

Line up! Everyone, line up! I will be taking the finest four foosa gladiators to perform at King Koto's wedding celebration.

So, show me your best fighting skills.

Wedding celebration? [CRIES]

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, no.

- Guys, my brainy parts are gettin' an idea.

We will make a new foosa suit and disguise ourselves so we get hired on as foosa gladiators, and, bam! Take Koto out in a sneak att*ck.

Kabamma! Wham! Omslackajacka! [LAUGHING]

Forget the army.

We can do this ourselves.

First, though, we gotta get on that boat.

Ted, you have a Masters in Fashion Design.

I do not, sir.

Fantastic! Let's get to the makin'.

Perfect! Oh, golly, I feel like I'm right back in community theater.

And I will be playing my greatest role.

[TALKING IN A TEXAS ACCENT]

Colonel Theodore Sugarbottoms.

Smooth-talkin' Southern gentleman with a penchant for high stakes card games and beignets smothered in powdered sugar.

- Huh? - So decadent.

[LAUGHING]

Ted.

Focus! Hey! [INHALES SHARPLY]

Sorry.

[GRUNTING]

- Huh? - Howdy-hello and a hootin'-holler at all y'all.

Colonel Theodore Sugarbottoms here with the best foosa, like, ever.

[WIMPY ROARING]

[ROARS]

Oh, secreted herbs and spices! [FOOSA GROWLING]

There you go, Mom-Bot.

All done.

Timo, you are such a good boy.

Are you eating enough? Let me make you something.

I think there's leftover kugel.

I'm good.

Thanks, Mom.

I got Hans' hand.

I [GASPS]

Evil, crazy robot lady! No, Mort, don't.

[GRUNTING]

I fixed her.

I removed the Ultra-Controlling and Insane Overbearingness programming.

Um, why would you put that in a robot in the first place? I'm just sayin'.

'Cause it's odd, you know? Do not worry, Mort.

I am all better now.

I only wanna help.

- Oh, you look feverish.

- [MORT WHINES]

Timo, where are the baby aspirins? I'm still workin' out some kinks.

Mom-Bot, could you help Hans' hand lead me to Hans? Of course, bubala.

[VOICE OVER PA SYSTEM]

Five, four, three, two, one [ALL SCREAMING]

Hans, here we come! [CLOVER GROANING]

[CLOVER'S VOICE]

Oi! Did anybody get the number of that lorry, 'cause I think he ran me over.

Ah! Wait.

I'm in Sage's body? Sage, are you in my body? [SAGE'S VOICE]

All bodies [RETCHES]

are one as the obstinate hedgehog discovered tickling itself with the sharp stick of truth.

Yep.

You're in there.

Great.

[BABBLING]

Oi, Jarsh-Jarsh, is this some kind of sick joke, eh? Eh? You switched our minds? How is this a gift? [LAUGHS]

That is for Jarsh-Jarsh to know and Clover to find out.

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

Whoa! [CHUCKLES]

That is pretty sweet.

Sage, did you know your punch can break a tree in half? [GRUNTS]

Whoa.

It is easy to break a tree.

How much harder to love a tree with amber kisses on rough, barky lips.

[KISSING]

Huh.

[GRUNTING]

This body is [SHOUTS]

horrible! So much tension! [STRAINING]

Like a clam stricken with rigor mortis in a milky discharge of [GRUNTING]

sadness.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

[GROWLING]

Foosas, destroy them! [JULIEN]

Sugarbottoms.

Do something.

Now, hold on there one eensy, cotton-pickin' minute.

My name is Colonel Theodore Sugarbottoms, and I have brought you, young lady, the most fantabulous, fightingest, most well-appointed, well-bred, well-fed, well-heeled foosa you could ever want.

Once you see what it's got under the hood you will never want another foosa for those big ol' gladiatorial games for King Koto.

Yes, sir, mulberry pie.

All right, Colonel.

Let's see what your foosa can do.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, Mo-Mo.

We're a foosa.

Shake that big, sexy foosa backside like you mean it.

[GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY]

[LAUGHING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SIGHING IN APPROVAL]

[HOWLING]

[HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY]

You like what you see? [LAUGHING]

And all that razzmatazz! Oh, mercy! [LAUGHING]

- [GRUNTS IN PAIN]

- This foosa is best in show.

Best in show.

Best in show.

You gotta take it on the boat when you go.

You just gotta! Hmm.

I must say, Colonel Sugarbottoms, you certainly promoted this foosa as prime gladiatorial material.

[CHUCKLES]

You see, buddy? We are so in.

But I've already picked my top four.

Grasshopper Strangler.

[GRUNTS]

Coconut Breaker.

[GRUNTS]

Skin The Rabbit.

[SNARLING]

And Brian.

[LAUGHING]

Um Brian? What kind of name is "Brian" for a gladiator? We just gotta get on that boat.

We just gotta! [MOANING]

[MOANING EXCITEDLY]

[EXCLAIMS IN EXCITEMENT]

[ALL CHIRPING EXCITEDLY]

[MOANING QUESTIONINGLY]

[ALL MOANING EXCITEDLY]

[MOANING]

[MOANING LOUDLY]

Huh? [ALL LAUGHING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hans! [MOANING LOUDLY]

[LAUGHING]

Together again! [LAUGHING]

- [MOANING]

- [LAUGHING]

[BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING]

So happy.

[MOANING IN ANNOYANCE]

[GOBBLING]

As I am clearly the only sane one here, can I just say, this idea is crazy! We are not gladiators! We are gladiators! We're 14-carat fighting foosa material up in here.

Hmm, there might be a way to lessen the competition.

As a spawning thespian, I got the lead in the school play when that oh-so-handsome- look-at-me-I'm-Chad-Wartington met with a rather tragic "accident.

" Truly, sir, in my [SCREAMS]

Chad spent a month in the hospital and I got the part.

A brilliant idea, Ted.

Let's thin the field, boys.

[LAUGHING MANICALLY]

[CLOVER GRUNTING]

Clover, the Jarsh-Jarsh has given you the ultimate w*apon you seek.

The Jarsh-Jarsh has given you Sage's honed physique, coupled with your tactical and aggressive mind.

Now, you are the ultimate w*apon.

[GRUNTING EXCITEDLY]

[KISSES]

[RETCHING]

Jarsh-Jarsh-Jarsh But you are not finished.

Complete the circle.

Fulfill your destiny.

To finish the final step and become the ultimate w*apon, you must destroy Sage residing in your old body.

[STAMMERING]

Oh.

That's the story, Hans.

King Julien's gone missing.

And his kingdom has been stolen by that nasty Koto.

[SPITS]

I hate him.

[MOANING]

Hans says, "That certainly is quite a story, beloved lemur friend.

" [CONTINUES MOANING]

"You are my best friend forever and ever, Mort.

" I would do anything for you.

I will help you retake your beloved King's kingdom.

"Together, we will find a way.

" Yay! Isn't that nice? Do you see, Timo? You should have more friends.

I have friends, Mom-Bot.

I mean, I think I do.

Oh, Hans.

I knew you'd know what to do! [BOTH LAUGHING]

The soup is really quite good.

[MOANING ANGRILY]

All right.

No, I'm done.

- [SIGHING]

- [STAMMERING NERVOUSLY]

[MOANING]

[BOTH CRYING]

What's Hans saying? He is telling them he is leaving to go with you.

I hate to see those children in such distress.

I wish I had some hard candy for them.

Or maybe, you know, like a lozenge.

[MOANING IN ANGER]

Uh? Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

[MORT]

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Oh! Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Oh! [CHUCKLING]

I totally get it.

I understand you perfectly.

[SOFTLY]

What the heck did she say? I did not catch a word of it.

Woof! [GRUNTS IN ANNOYANCE, CRIES]

- Mrs.

Hans is very angry with you, Mort.

- [MRS.

HANS CONTINUES CRYING]

Hans has something here.

A chance to do things differently with his undead life and his undead family.

He can't just go running off with you, Mort.

Huh? [SOBBING]

I am so sorry, Mrs.

Hans.

You should kick me.

Don't hold back.

I can take it.

I'm mostly sawdust and bird guano in the middle.

Kick me.

Here, let me help you Oh! Oh.

["SHOW ME WHERE I BELONG" PLAYING]

[GRUNTS QUESTIONINGLY]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY AND SIGHS]

Eh [SIGHS IN DISGUST]

Mm-hmm.

Okay, we're ready.

Let's do this.

Uh, I'm not sure Lemur-up, Mo-Mo.

We are on the path to greatness.

[SNIFFS]

Do you smell it? Do you smell the greatness? Greatness! Yo, homie, 'sup and stuff.

[ROARING]

Come over.

[BABBLING AND SNIFFING]

Not the sharpest pinata in the closet, know what I'm sayin'? [CHUCKLES]

Check it.

[BRIAN GRUNTING]

No, right here.

Here.

No.

Too close.

Don't stand so close.

Right here.

[GRUNTING]

No.

Stand here.

Now, Ted.

[COUGHING]

Oh, golly, here goes.

Ha! [CHUCKLES]

Perfect.

One down and Huh? [GROWLING]

Uh Oh! Did you see that? Uh That, uh, foosa over there just dropped that rock on you.

Oh, my.

Are you really gonna take that? The nerve.

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH GASPING]

[FOOSAS FIGHTING AND CRASHING]

- [BOTH SCREAM]

- [LASERS f*ring]

- [EXCLAIMS IN FEAR]

- [JULIEN LAUGHING]

- [CRASHING CONTINUES]

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- [PLANES WHIZZING]

- [BOMBS EXPLODING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

What happened to my gladiators? [VOCALIZING]

I don't know.

[GRUNTING]

Clover needs to work on her stretch.

[STRAINING]

Her calves are like paperweights.

[INHALES]

Glutes [STRAINING]

so stiff.

Sage! We have to get out of here right now! Jarsh-Jarsh wants me to k*ll you! What? That makes no sense.

Jarsh-Jarsh-Jarsh.

Clover speaks the truth.

She must destroy you to become the ultimate w*apon.

Why, sensei? This is not the path you taught me.

I don't understand.

You never understood anything, Sage.

The Jarsh-Jarsh was just using you to chew off the hard-to-reach mud from my back fin.

And to look pretty on my arm when we go to theater.

- [SIGHS]

- You are a loser, Sage.

You have always been a loser.

You lost to your brother, Koto, and now, you will lose to Clover.

Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! No! [SHOUTING]

No! [GROWLING AND SHOUTING]

[EXCLAIMS IN FEAR]

Jarsh-Jarsh? Oh, Jarsh.

[GRUNTING]

Now, I finish this.

Wait.

Ugh! There's some weird emotion flooding through me right now.

[SHUDDERS]

Something very strange.

It's [STAMMERING]

It's peace.

Calm.

Don't do it, Sage.

You shouldn't hurt him, Sage, no matter how annoying he is or how much mud or other questionable things he vomits in your face.

The words you are saying, I don't get it.

All right.

Let me try in a way that I think you'll understand.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The fruit of anger is like eating the nits off a monkey's bottom.

Sure, they're nutritious, and the monkey's kinda grateful, but in the end, the universe still sings to the night with a mouthful of dharma.

You're right, Clover.

It's so clear when you put it that way.

[WHIMPERING]

Master, I let you live only thanks to Clover and her sense of peace.

Jarsh.

You have done it! You have both succeeded.

The Sage found his rage.

- The Clover found her peace.

- [CLOVER]

Huh? Both overcame the final test.

You are now ready.

Together, you are the ultimate w*apon.

There is no more the Jarsh-Jarsh can teach you.

Namaste.

- Now, wake up.

- [CLOVER]

Huh? [ECHOING]

Wake up - [JARSH-JARSH BURPS]

- [CLOVER]

Huh? [VOMITS]

Watch the mud! How many times am I going to Wait.

Oh! I'm me again! [LAUGHING]

Oh! Feels good! Yeah! Wow! That was Phew! Think I really learned a powerful lesson there.

Huh.

Your master, Jarsh-Jarsh, he really is a genius.

Shocking.

Truly, the Jarsh-Jarsh is the greatest teacher that has ever lived.

Like, ever! Jarsh-Jarsh! Jarsh-Jarsh, Jarsh-Jarsh.

[BABBLING]

[MOANING LOUDLY]

Wait, Hans.

It's not what you think.

I'm not trying to steal your wife.

And not that she isn't gorgeous.

I came here for help with my family without realizing you have your own undead family now to protect and feed.

I mean, if you do eat.

I'm not sure, there.

I'm sorry if we caused any trouble.

I just wanted a way to help King Julien.

[MOANS]

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

[CONTINUES MOANING]

Mm-hmm.

Hmm? Hmm.

Mmm? He says if you wanna defeat Koto, you should raise an army.

Well, sure.

[SCOFFS AND SNORTS]

Easy for a dead guy to say.

He can just dig one up.

But where are we gonna get an army? [MORT LAUGHING KNOWINGLY]

I know where.

[JULIEN LAUGHING]

We did it, Mo-Mo.

Next stop, gladiator school.

We are so gonna get our sh*t at Koto.

Ah! We're gonna take him out.

I just know it.

- [LAUGHS]

- [WIND HOWLS]

From this point on, nothing can go wrong.

Nothing can stop us 'cause the worst is behind us.

We have jumped over the highest obstacle.

We have cleared sailing in the sea.

You can smell the freedom.

There is nothing ever in the entire universal structures that we know of, in mankind time-space continuum, that could ever, ever get in our way! [MALE VOICE]

Welcome, welcome, welcome to my gladiator school.

[CHUCKLES]

I hope some of you can survive long enough to thank me.

Although I doubt it.

[LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY]

Aw, snap! ["SHOW ME WHERE I BELONG" PLAYING]