04x09 - The Naked Man

[bunniefuu]

Ted (2030): Kids, everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.

*At the apartment of Lily and Marshall, Lily and Ted in the kitchen.*

Lily: Half the length of the relationship.

Marshall: One week for every month you were together.

*At the apartment, Ted is sitting on the couch with Robin.*

Robin: Exactly 10,000 glasses. However how long it takes.

*At McClaren's with Barney.*

Barney: You can’t measure something like this in time. There’s a series of steps. From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there. Next!

Ted (2030): But I think you start to recover the moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game. This is the story of how I met that person. (Ted takes the elevator with a woman. She goes out and Ted stays in the elevator) Now, kids, if you wanna go swimming, you don’t just dive in. (Another, he finds himself again in the elevator with the woman) First, you dip your toe in the water.

Ted: Hey.

Woman: Hi.

Ted (2030): You check the temperature. See how it feels.

Ted: I’m Ted.

Vicky: Vicky.

*Ted walks into the building, sees something, and goes back out the door. She does the same and they both start running toward the elevator. They’re together in the elevator again.*

Ted (2030): And then, you slowly wade in.

Ted: I got left at the altar a month ago.

Ted (2030): Or, you know, cannoball.

Ted: It was a complete disaster and, ever since then, I haven’t been able to even look at another woman. Except the old lady in the subway who breakdances for nickels. I don’t look at her THAT way, I just look at her. I mean, it’s an old lady breakdancing. And she is good. I’m gonna give her a dollar next time.

Ted: Hey, let’s pretend I said this: “These elevator rides have been the highlight of my week and I’d love to see you again Friday night. Not in the elevator. At a restaurant. A nice one. What do you say?”

Vicky: Yes.

Ted (2030): Kids, I walked in on a lot of crazy stuff at the old apartment over the years.

*Flashback*

*On November 26, 2004, Ted returns to the apartment. There are two acrobats posing for Lily.*

Lily: Sorry guys. I'm just gonna go with a bowl of fruit.

*July 16, 2007, back at the apartment, Barney is handcuffed and locked in a box filled with water.*

Marshall: It's been 12 minutes!

*December 15, 2006, Robin is pointing a g*n at two men who look like robbers. They are pointing their g*ns back at her, and one of them has a TV under one arm.*

Robin: Drop it!

Man 1: You first!

Man 2: Ike, why are you pointing your g*n at me?

Ike: Don’t use my name!

Robin: Put the g*ns down, now!

*May 8, 2009, Ted walks in, and sees a goat in the living room. The goat starts bleating.*

*End flashback*

Ted (2030): But one of the craziest things I ever walked in on happened when I was roommates with your Aunt Robin.

*Ted returns to the apartment and finds a naked man sitting on the couch.*

Ted: Hey!

Man: Hey!

Ted: Who are you?

Man: Mitch.

Ted: What you doin’, Mitch?

Mitch: You must be the roommate. I'm on a date with Robin. She had to step outside to take a call. I guess her cell phone doesn’t work in here.

Ted: Oh. Oh! Robin did not use the super secret signal. We put this old take-out menu on the doorknob. Place went out of business. Mr. Wang’s. Guess I don’t have to explain why that’s funny. I’m gonna go. When you leave, take the seat cushion with you. That’s trash now.

*Ted leaves the apartment. Robin is still outside talking on the phone.*

Robin: I think I am more than qualified for the job. My weaknesses? I would say caring too much, working too hard, and putting my career in front of my love life. Oops! That last one was real. What?

*Ted finds Barney and Marshall at Lil McClaren's.*

Ted: Well, it appears our sweet, innocent little Robin has taken a lover. A young blade by the name of Mitch.

Lily: Her blind date? Total bust. She’s been sending me text messages all night.

Lily: She just let him go upstairs to use the bathroom a second ago.

Ted: Excuse me a minute.

*He gets up and goes back to the apartment.*

Mitch: Buddy, you’re k*lling me. I’m kind of in the middle of something here.

Ted: Middle of what?

Mitch: This is my move. It's called, "The Naked Man.”

Ted: "The Naked Man?"

*Flashback*

*Robin returns to the apartment with Mitch.*

Mitch: Goes like this. You're on a first date, you've had a few drinks. You make an excuse to go up to the girl’s apartment.

Robin: So, the bathroom’s right there. (Robin’s phone rings) Okay, thanks. You know what? I’m gonna grab this. (referring to her phone)

Mitch from flashback: Okay.

Robin: (on the phone) Hello?

Mitch: Then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs. She’s so charmed by your confidence and bravado, she sleeps with you. Boom!

*End flashback*

Ted: There is no way that works!

Mitch: Two out of three times times.

Ted: Two out of three times?

Mitch: Two out of three times. You just have to pick your spot. The Naked Man is best used as a last resort, kind of a Hail Mary on a first date, when you know there’s not gonna be a second one.

Ted: How do you know there’s not gonna be a second date?

Mitch: Ted, look at me.

Ted: I'd rather not, Mitch.

Mitch: Robin is way out of my league. I'm not smart, funny or handsome. And as you can plainly see, there’s nothing impressive going on anywhere around here. My only sh*t with a girl like Robin is the elements of surprise. And let’s be honest, a little pity. It’s shock and aw!
Ted: It does not work really.

Ted: This doesn’t really work!

Mitch: Two out of three times. Guaranteed.

Back at the bar with Barney and Marshall

Marshall: No way!

Ted: Two out of three times. He guaranteed it.

Barney: Oh, come on. There is no way that’s gonna work on Robin. She’s gonna walk in there, take one look at that idiont and send him packing.

Lily: Yeah, she might kick his ass first.

Marshall: Yeah, she might get her g*n and sh**t him.

*They laugh and run away from the bar. They arrive at Ted and Robin’s apartment door where the menu is hung on the doorknob.*

Marshall: My God!

Ted: It worked.

Marshall: Mr. Wang’s is back in business?

At the bar...

Barney: "The naked man" works! This is gonna revolutionize the one-night stand. This is like the forward pass in football. The slam dunk in basketball. The haircutting technique where they hold it between their fingers, and cut right above it. It’s a total game changer!

Lily: Barney, this guy has slept with Robin, who you claim to be in love with. How can you be excited about this?

Barney: Lily, The Naked Man is bigger than me and Robin. All these years, I have been busting my hump, with my secret identities, and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I’m like Batman. But this Mitch fellow, he’s Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he’s good to go.

Lily: What kind of gadgets are we talking about?

Ted: So, this is what it’s gonna be like, us living together? I come home, and guys you’re dating are just gonna be sitting on the couch, naked?

Robin: I wish I could say “no”.

Ted: (Laughing) I still cannot believe “The Naked Man” worked on you.

Robin: What can I say? I went in there, and he was naked. It was funny. I laughed, he laughed. And then it just kinda happened. I don’t know.

Marshall: I call “slut”!

Barney, Lily and Ted (at the same time): Whoa!!

Robin: Excuse me?

Marshall: I’m sorry, Robin, but you hooking up with this guy makes it seem like the only thing standing between you and sex is clothes.

Robin: I didn’t just sleep with Mitch because he was naked.

Marshall: Then why did you sleep with him?

Robin: Because... He... He... because I care, About Mitch. A lot. There was a... connection of specialness. Of specialness and feelings.

Marshall: It was because he was naked. And I’m sorry, but I don’t approve. There is only one reason to sleep with someone, and that is "love".

They all start laughing at him.

Marshall: Yeah, Marshall’s a big girl because he believes in true love and just finished reading “The Notebook” because the secretaries bullied him into joining Oprah’s Book Club. Fine! But you know I’m right.

Lily: Marshall, I love you, but there’s lots of reasons to have sex.

Marshall: Name one.

Lily: I can name 50.

Marshall: No, you can’t.

Lily: Number ONE, last Thursday.

*Flashback*

Marshall and Lily are in bed. Lily cannot sleep.

Lily: Hey, Marshall, wanna do it?

Marshall: I'm up.

End flashback

Marshall: You befouled our marital bed because you couldn’t get to sleep.

Lily: You’re the one who said, "That shadow on the ceiling looks like a scary toothless clown. Good night, Lily.”

Marshall: Fine! That’s one. But I defy you to name…

Lily: I’m gonna name 50. There’s make-up sex, break-up sex, and your-friend-just-told-you-about-a-new-position-sex.

Barney: You're welcome. There’s also reveng, rebound, paratrooping. You know, when you go out of town, but instead of getting a hotel room, you go straight to a bar with the sole intention of hooking up with a girl, so you have a place to stay?

Robin: Oh, you mean “banging-for-roof”.

Marshall: (coughs) Slut!

Robin: I don’t do it. My college roommate did it.

Marshall: Oh. No, no, Robin, I just have a bad cough. (Coughing) I don’t really have a bad cough. We all know college roommate means you, slut! Does anyone have a lozenge?

Lily: (EXCLAIMING) Uh-uh, I’ve got one. Nothing-good-on-television sex.

Ted: Hotel-room sex.

Barney: Curiosity, as in, I’ve always wondered what it’s like to have sex with a really tall girl. Not a big girl, just a tall girl. Like, if a normal girl were seven, seven-and-a-half-feet tall, and wore a denim miniskirt. I would have to know what that is like.

Lily: Okay.

*32 reasons later...*

Robin: He-said-he-loved-you-but-you’re-not-ready-to-say-it-back-yet sex.

Lily: 43.

Ted: Wingman diving on the friend grenade.

Lily: 44.

Barney: The condoms are about to expire.

Lily: 45. Wow! This is getting a little hard.

Barney: 46!

*They all laugh.*

Lily: OK. Four more to go! Oh, you dropped a Cheeto on his lap, and when you reached for it, he thought you were making a move, so you just went with it.

Marshall: Well, thank you for ruining the memory of our six-month anniversary!

Lily: You got me Cheetos.

Marshall: Look, can we just stop with this stupid list, okay? You guys are making me sad.

Lily: No, I’m having fun. Man, this whole one-partner thing sucks sometimes. I’m always talking about you. I can’t play “I never” because then everyone would know all the weird stuff I let you do to me.

Marshall: The only weird thing I ever did to you was open up my heart and soul, when all I had to do was strip naked while you were out of the room.

Robin: (annoyed) I didn’t sleep with Mitch because he was naked. Mitch and I have something special. I mean, fingers crossed, guys. He may be the one.

Marshall: The one? Mitch? The Naked Man?

Barney: You mean the naked genius. All these years, I’ve been suiting up when I should have been suiting down. That’s it. I am doing The Naked Man tonight. Ted, so are you!

Ted: What?

Barney: With the elevator girl. You’re going out with her tonight, right? Naked Man!

Ted: No. Barney, come on, this is the first girl I’ve had the courage to ask out since Stella.

Barney: Naked Man!

Ted: No, Barney, this is the eighth outfit I tried on tonight. I got my hair cut three times, I’m a nervous wreck.

Robin: Are you wearing makeup?

Ted: It's not makeup, okay? It’s a sunscreen with a subtle hint of... (they all stare at him) It’s made for men. Sue me, I want my eyes to pop.

Barney: Naked Maaan!

Ted: No, Barney, I like Vicky. This could actually go somewhere. I don’t wanna do anything stupid to jeopardize it.

Barney: Well, I really like that girl, but OH! I didn’t see her from the back. (He directs his eyes somewhere else) I really like THAT girl. And I’m willing to jeopardize our future together for one night of glory. Naked Maaan!

Ted (2030): So, that night, we all set out to prove something. Robin wanted to defend her honor.

Robin (on phone): Mitch, hey, baby, it’s me. Robin. Do you wanna grab some dinner tonight? (Giggling) Because you're basically my boyfriend!

*Lily is sitting on the couch, when Marshall returns.*

Ted (2030): Lily needed to prove that she could finish her list.

Lily: I'm stuck. I can’t think of the last two.

Marshall: Reason Number 48: "To reinforce good behavior, such as shaving or dental hygiene." Oh, now you’re conditioning me? Great! That explains why I always get an erection when I floss.

*Ted is at the restaurant with Vicky.*

Ted (2030): I had to prove that as scary as it was to be dating again, I was over Stella and ready to get back out there. And Barney needed to prove that he, too, could pull off The Naked Man.

*Barney is at the bar with the blonde girl. They are just taking off.*

Barney: Thank you for letting me look at your aquarium. You’re a life saver.

Woman: Sure, no problem.

Barney: I just need to use the bathroom, then I’ll be on my way. (Calls Ted) Ted, I’m doing it. I’m doing The Naked Man!

Ted: Me too!

Ted is in Vicky’s living room, naked.

Barney: You...

Ted: I’m doing it. I’m doing The Naked Man.

Barney: That’s great! What made you change your mind?

Ted: Well, the date with Vicky started off okay, but it didn’t go as well as I hoped.

*Flashback*

*At the restaurant...*

Vicky: Oh, my God, Ted, you are so funny! And can I just say you have amazing eyes.

Ted: What, these old things? (Laughs)

The server spills some water on Vicky.

Vicky: Nice job, hotshot.

Server: I'm sorry…

Vicky: Save it! Go tell the manager he owes us an appetizer. One of the ones with shrimp! (Looks at Ted) You’re welcome. You were saying?

Vicky: And then, his cane missed the top step, and he was falling for, I swear, like, two minutes. (LAUGHING) Oh, God! I love old people.

*End flashback*

Ted: Once I realized there was no possible future in this relationship, I just decided to go for it.

Barney: Awesome. Okay, big question, what pose will you display your Naked Man in?

Ted: Huh. That is a big question. I hadn’t really thought about it.

Barney: I was thinking "The Superman."

Ted: What about the "Captain Morgan"?

Barney: How about the, "Oops, I didn’t see you there"?

Ted: The Thinker?

Barney: What about the Heisman?

Ted: Mr. Clean.

Barney: The "Burt Reynolds".

Robin is at the restaurant with Mitch.

Robin: It’s so great to see you again. I really had a great time last night. So, what is it like managing a CPK? I mean whose idea was it to put a pineapple in this…

Mitch: Okay, stop right there. I know what this is. I’ve been on this date before. This is the “I’m not a slut” date.

Robin: (CHUCKLES) What? That’s crazy. Usually, you read me so well, but this time you’re wrong.

Mitch: Come on, Robin. One of us has had a good time last night, and we both know it was me.

Robin: Mitchell something, that is just not true.

Mitch: Really? How was the sex?

Robin: I didn’t hate it.

Mitch: Robin, you’ve seen my move. That’s it. I have nothing else to offer you. I’m broke, I sweat when I eat, and I’m in like, five different fantasy football leagues. It’s all I talk about. Trust me, you don’t wanna be around that. What? Yes, I do.

Robin: What? Yes, I do. Look, I didn’t just sleep with you because you were naked.

Mitch: Yeah, you did. And now you’re trying to pretend it was something more to make yourself feel better. Say what you will, at least The Naked Man is honest.

Ted and Barney are still on the phone, Ted in Vicky’s living room and Barney in the bathroom of another woman.

Ted: What about the old Coppertone Baby?

Barney: The Olympic gymnast who stuck the landing.

Ted: Yep. I gotta go.

Barney: Naked Man.

They hang up.

Ted (to Vicky): You have a really nice place!

Vicky: Oh, thanks. Coming from you, that’s a real compliment. I just love that you’re an architect. It’s so fascinating. I could listen to you talk about structural design all night.

Ted (2030): And then I noticed, lying on her end table, a book of love poems by Pablo Neruda. The same edition I’d had since college. And it was bookmarked to my favorite poem. Maybe I was all wrong about this girl. Maybe there was a future for us.

Ted: Crap!

He dresses quickly. Vicky returns to the living room.

Vicky: Here we go.

Ted: Pablo Neruda.

Vicky: (CHUCKLES) Oh. Yeah, that book’s a turd. Some douchey guy I hooked up with left it here. It’s all in Mexican. *blows raspberry* You know who writes good poems? Jewel. Her teeth are crooked and she lived in a car. So, she has stuff to write about…

*When she returns, Ted is naked. Barney is naked in the hallway, in front of the woman he met at the bar. And Lily is naked in the living room when Marshall walks in.*

*Ted joins Marshall and Lily at McClaren's.*

Ted: The Naked Man works! I just had decent sex with an awful human being. I am back!

Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.

Ted: You're not the only one who rocked The Naked Man tonight.

*Flashback*

*Marshall discovers Lily naked in the living room.*

Marshall: You just wanna do it to change the subject.

Lily: Yeah. Hey, that’s Number 49. Did it work?

Marshall: It’s like I just flossed.

Lily: I love you.

Marshall: That’s 50.

Lily: Oh, yeah.

*End flashback*

Ted: Nice! What pose did you go with?

Lily: I went with “I’ve got boobs.”

Marshall: And she nailed it.

*Mitch and Robin arrive.*

Ted: Oh, my God! Guys, guys, guys! This is him! This is The Naked Man.

Robin: Ted, his name is Mitch. And... he’s my boyfriend. So…

Marshall: It’s okay, Robin. I no longer call slut.

Robin: Okay. You can go. We’re done.

Mitch: Thanks.

Ted: No, Mitch, Mitch, I have to thank you. We all tried The Naked Man tonight.

Mitch: Oh!

Marshall: Oh! We should see how Barney did.

*He calls Barney but the woman from the bar answers.*

Woman: Hello?

Marshall: Hi, is Barney there?

Woman: No.

*Flashback*

*When the woman discovers Barney naked, she starts shouting at him and kicks him out.*

Woman: Oh my God! What’s the matter with you? Get out!

Barney: I just have to grab my suit. It’s very expensive. The tie alone…

Woman: Get out of here right now! Get out, you sick son of a bitch!

Barney: All right. Okay. Call me!

*End flashback*

Woman: And if I see him again, I’m calling the cops.

*She throws Barney’s phone in the toilet.*

Mitch: Two out of three times.

Ted: Mitch, I want you to know, this night, crazy as it was, it got me out of my shell.

Mitch: That's the beauty of the The Naked Man. It gives you exactly what you need. No more, no less. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to replace one of my fantasy football quarterbacks. He separated his shoulder!

Ted: A toast... to Mitch. By the sum of his parts, he is just a man. But what he does with those parts, he becomes so much more. He may not fit society’s definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed. The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back into the game. He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fictions? Damnation? Salvation? He is all of these things, and none of them, for he is…The Naked Man.

*Barney is naked in the street.*

Woman: Oh, my God!

*He arrives at a store that has suits on sale.*

Barney: Thank God!

*He gets closer to the suits, looks at them, and goes away disgusted and still naked.*

The End