04x07 - Not a Father's Day

[bunniefuu]

Ted's friends are in McClaren's.

Barney: I'm not impressed by the talent here tonight. And more I drink, the less it is attractive. I'm a whiskey and Coke in the Cantina scene in Star Wars.

Ted: And those girls over there? They are cannon.

Barney: Absolutely not.

Lily: Are you kidding? I have hated as soon as I saw them. So they are cannon. In fact, I've hated almost as much as Robin when I've ever known.

Robin: You hate me?

Lily: A max.

Marshall: Barney, they are canon.

Barney: There is so much to learn. You are only victims of...the effect cheerleaders. Good question. The effect cheerleading is when a group of women air cannon, but only in groups. As with the cheerleaders. They look like cannon, but take them individually? Cod.

Ted: Anything.

Barney: Look at it carefully. Individually.

Marshall: I know. The last one is kinda cute.

Lily: Yeah, really cute.

Barney: And this, my friends, is "the effect cheerleaders." Also known as the paradox of a bridesmaid syndrome sorority, and for a brief moment in the 90s, the conspiracy of the Spice Girls.Scary Spice, indeed. (His phone rings) Barney Stinson. OK.Understood. Great, we remember.

Ted: What?

Barney: Apparently, I'll be a father.

GENERIC

Ted: You're gonna be a father? How will it happen?

Barney: It's a girl I plugged in a few weeks ago. It is not certain.She sees the doctor tomorrow.

Lily: That may be a false alarm. It is perhaps not pregnant.

Barney: No part of Barney Stinson does not run at less than 110%. If one of my Michael Phelps escaped, he swims for gold. It's a nightmare. I want no children. How can want to have children without being mad?

Barney leaves the bar.

Ted (2030): When you're 30 and you're a couple, something weird happens.

Flashback

Lily and Marshall are sitting on the steps at the entrance of the apartment. Several strollers pass and they get excited to see them.

Ted (2030): You start to see babies everywhere.

Then a woman walks with a dog and a child on his stomach, followed by several puppies Marshall: Go.

Ted (2030): Marshall and Lily caught baby fever. And their neighbors did not help.

Marshall and Lily are their neighbors.

Marshall: You have not lost a sock, little guy? This is probably the cutest little thing I've ever seen.

Woman: That's my little plug!

Ted (2030): That night, they had a serious discussion and hands-on children.

Marshall and Lily are in their apartment, sitting on the couch.

Lily: So if you have a baby, you think you can work less?

Marshall: No matter, it will be so cute, I'm going to exhaust the first day.

Lily: And for the money? It has a ton of debt.

Marshall: We count the unpaid bills on her pretty little fingers.Let's make a baby.

Lily: Now?

Ted (2030): There was just one problem.

Robin: Push yourself. I recorded The View. This problem and was unemployed and sleeping on the couch.

Marshall: So, Robin, when you're in for the job and apartment?

Robin: Are not you aware? I am a presenter on CNN. And I have made gold a terrace overlooking Central Park. Get out of your ass's head, Marshall.

Ted (2030): They realized that if they wanted to start a family, they had the plan.

End flashback

Lily: Robin, would you mind not sleeping with Ted tomorrow night? I... prepares a special dinner for Marshall.

Marshall: Just a dinner. That's it. Nothing else.

Robin: Okay, but you better not be as they stuck together when I cans on the roof. "My ears. The neighbors called the cops.You almost hit me. "

Marshall: Enjoy it. It is a good time.

Barney is in a church, and pray.

Barney: God? It's me, Barney. Are you okay? I know we will not speak often, a bunch of girls said your name on my account. Great. But, God... If you could get out of there, I swear I'll never, never... never, never, never... (His phone rings and people have turned to him) Wait, man. Barney to the device.Really?

He leaves the church happy and dancing.

It happens in Marshall's office.

Barney: Good news! I'm not a father!

Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.

Barney: This is the best time of my life, Marshall. What I feel in having no children? I have never thought something like it as much. That's why I created a public holiday. Now, today is "Day of Non-fathers."

Marshall: You create a holiday?

Barney: Why not? Everyone has one: mothers, fathers, soldiers. Why not a day for singles who like it?

Marshall: It looks like a big day of Valentine's Day.

Man: Hello, Stinson.

Barney: Hi. How are the children?

Man: Ready for tonight, Eriksen? Big merger.

Marshall: That's between me and my wife, sir.

Man: The meeting with Mr. Li Tonight.

Marshall: I thought it was a lunch.

Man: Yes, in China. This is a teleconference with the Chinese.I count on you.

Lily is making dinner when the phone rings.

Lily: Marshall?

Marshall: Baby. It's lunchtime in China.

Lily: Yeah.

Marshall: It's not a euphemism. Listen... Wait, what does that mean?

Lily: I know, hot bread, spicy pork? Stuff like that. You come not tonight, right? You shake your head for "no"? That's what I thought.

Ted and Robin arrive at the apartment Marshall and Lily.

Lily: Thank you for coming so quickly.

Robin: Are you okay? You looked upset on the phone.

Lily: Marshall and I, we took the decision to have a great...dinner. And I thought I was ready for a... dinner. But he called to cancel, and it got me thinking. Is it too early for us to make a... Dinner?

Ted: I had lunch early, so I can eat.

Lily: Dinner, it's a baby!

Robin: Lily, it's horrible!

Lily: No, I need you to clarify a situation for me.

Robin: What?

Lily: Are we ready, Marshall and me to have a baby? So, are we ready to have a baby or not?

Ted: We can not decide for you. It's huge.

Robin: You know what is huge? Marshall's head. It is as big as a watermelon in late August. Marshall's baby who is passing by?

Ted: He thinks what?

Robin: A lot of things in the helmet of the space of 50 years who serves as its head.

Lily: Marshall is really excited. But I think he sees only the good sides of it.

Flashback

Lily and Marshall are with their neighbor.

Lily: The other day while playing with the little Jeremy, I was talking with his mother.

Woman: Thank you for the invitation. It's been a while since I have not told an adult. Well, except my husband. But "For you to change" and "Make him be silent," it's not really count as conversation. Sorry, I ramble. It's been 7 months that I have not kissed. That's it, I start! Lack of sleep! Wait, I cry there, though?It happens to me often. I will not complain. Here, I feel bad!That's my little plug! I love you so much!

End flashback

Lily: I will be as carbon copy Charlotte. Worse. At least, her husband works at home. Well, he deale of sh*t, but it is a caring father.

Ted: Marshall is a very good father.

Lily: Marshall is always at work, and I'm afraid to hit all the work if we have one now.

Ted: You panic and you see only bad side.

Robin: I think it's just realistic.

Lily: Well, that's perfect. That's why I called you. Ted, you're for children. Robin, you're against. Councillors, please proceed.

Ted: OK, I know you're afraid of not being ready. But we think ever be. You just take the plunge and it will come naturally.

Robin: Of course for you, it is natural, you're practically already a father.

Lily: You're a father too.

Ted: What are you talking?

Flashback

At the bar...

Robin: Ted, thoughtful. You go out jokes father of super lame.

Ted: A cereal k*ller! A cereal k*ller!

At the apartment...

Robin: You make us moral. Like when you broke your ship in a bottle.

Ted: I'm not sorry. I'm just disappointed.

Barney: That's it!

Robin: Shut up!

At the restaurant...

Robin: And you do that thing that all fathers are with the waitresses.

Waitress: My name is Lori. I'll be your waitress tonight.

Ted: Hello, Lori, me, this is Ted. I will be your customer tonight.Before leaving, tell me. What is a k*ller in a wheat field? No index.

End flashback

Lily: She's right. Perhaps you're single and childless, but you're really a redneck dad.

Ted: I do not appreciate that tone, young lady.

Barney and Marshall are in the conference room.

Barney: The No-Fathers Day is a success! Laraby Finklestein and help me celebrate. Matt. Mugs "Best Non-Father of the world." There... T-shirts "Who is your daddy? "Available on fetedesnonperes.com. Looking greeting cards.

Marshall: "For everything you do for your pear, for all the tape on your desk, on the road darkens your Porsche Carrera, I wish you... a night of threesome. Happy Birthday Non-Fathers. "

Barney: Look at the illustration.

Marshall: It looks like an Asian hooker.

Barney: Because at the Non-Fathers Day, you have a Thai girl you a blowjob. Tope, puns!

Back to Lily and Marshall...

Lily: It puts you in the mash, then. Your only hope is to be negative.

Ted: I'll tell you why my opponent says it all. Three words: fear of... babies.

Robin: What? You're crazy. This is false.

Ted: Really?

Flashback

Ted: And when we saw my cousin and her baby? She's so cute!

Cousin: You want to wear it?

Robin takes the baby and passes it directly to Ted.

Ted: Where the party that Lily had done for her friend Erika?You do feel for this baby?

Robin: I do not want to bite.

Ted: And do not forget...

They are watching TV and she starts crying and runs into Ted's room.

Marshall: Pub with baby talk?

Ted: Pub with baby talk.

End flashback

Ted: But you're not like that. You like children too.

Lily: Yes, I'm lovely, beautiful and brilliant, but it's enough?

Robin: It comes down to one word: "you". Are you ready to put your dreams in the background? Back in college, taught art at the university? You have to concentrate on the project before starting Lily Baby Project. Otherwise, you'll regret it forever.And it would be good neither for you nor for the baby. What is it?

Lily: The sock Jeremy. I will make a baby.

Robin: Well, and everything I said?

Lily: But sock.

Robin: And Marshall who works all the time?

Lily: But sock.

Robin: But but Lily Project!

Lily: With small fish.

Robin: We had this debate, and this is the sock that makes you make the decision?

Ted: I think you're taking a "chausettogari", eh, Robin?

Robin: Shut up, Dad.

Ted: You, shut up, baby-phobic.

Robin: Babies are scary, OK? With their giant eyes. And seriously, the fontanelle? If there is a self-destruct button, at least, hide it where it will not accidentally press.

Ted: Where is Lily? You have to drink?

Robin: Not a drop.

Ted: I do not either.

Marshall at work...

Men: Meeting in 5 minutes. You better be on top for Mr. Li This haunts my nightmares. Finally, have fun well, small.

Marshall enters his office and Lily is lying on it.

Lily: Put a baby in me, Marshall. I'm ready.

Marshall: What are you doing here?

Lily: I'm ready. This is the big night. Removing your seed melon-headed in my belly.

Marshall: What?

Lily: Come on, come on. Make me a baby. I'm ready. Hey, look. The types of the other building make me cuckoo. Hello, gentlemen! We will make a baby!

Robin and Ted are in a taxi.

Ted: I dream, it has been lost.

Robin: That's why I have no children. We can not even taking his eyes for a second.

Marshall: I can not find my file.

Lily: I'm all out of "A" to "G".

Robin: They sit there with their stupid bottles. They cry. They vomit. That's why babies, it sucks.

Ted: That's good that we have broken. I had totally forgotten your psychosis on the kids.

Robin: My psychosis? Whenever you hear the word "kid", you have two small Milk tasks on your shirt.

Ted: God thank you, you're not my mother. You're an ice queen. All you have breastfed baby by a frozen brain.

They arrive at the bar.

Robin: Do not depict me as a monster for wanting to remain independent. In there is a lot of people who do not want it.

Barney: My brother, lay your hand on the box tops and repeat after me. Me, the false name you give to women.

Man: I, Johnny Banana.

Barney: Swear to always choose the wet t-shirts to wet diapers.

Man: Swear to always...

Ted: You're in good company there.

Robin: I'll see if the toilet. I also want to bring you back buffer.

Ted: Okay. When you have finished, you could ask a magician to heart.

Robin: You know what? I should find another place to sleep.

Ted: No argument.

Robin: Well.

Ted: Super.

Barney: Welcome to our fraternity of non-paternity. In is one of ours.

Marshall made his speech.

Marshall: Gentlemen, Mr. Li, if you will go to page 5 of your file merge. I think...

Lily goes on a chair, a fire extinguisher in his hands.

Man: What has he, Eriksen?

Marshall: Nothing. I think you are... very beautiful today.

Man: What are you looking?

Marshall: I look at the future... of our two companies and it seems very... naked. Will you excuse me one second?

Mr. Li: No one saw the girl drunk?

At the bar...

Barney: Guys, you did not... This is a picture of me without children. And with macaroni glued to the frame. Guys, I love it.

Robin: Lily is not there.

Ted: Your cell phone rang. I answered. Hope it bother you. Lily is at Marshall. She is fine.

Robin: thank you God. What?

Ted: When storing your mobile, I found something in your bag.

Robin: I have a permit for that. And the other thing is a gift.

Ted: You've stolen the Ca sock Jeremy.

Robin: No. I do not know what she's doing there. It must have fallen into it. Bizarre!

Ted: "Falling in? "

Robin: Or Lily put it there for fun. That bitch is stuffed. I took it.It's just... so cute. Sock.

Ted: Robin Scherbatsky, you get the idea of having children?

Robin: I know. One day, perhaps. When I'm 70. Science will catch me. I'm just... I'm lost right now. I'm unemployed, I live on a couch.

Ted: There were two difficult months both. I have a room free.Why not come to me in the meantime?

Robin: Really?

Ted: Yeah.

Robin: Thank you, Ted. I have some ideas, so it will be one week, two large max.

Ted (2030): And this is how your aunt Robin moved in with me.

Lily Marshall back in his office.

Lily: I'm bored. Come and dance. Come fly a liquor store!

Marshall: We're going nowhere. Each time we go out when you're drunk, you always fall asleep when you enter the...

Lily and Marshall get on a taxi.

Lily: Let's dance! We gonna party all night!

Lily sleeps.

Marshall: Can you make several turns to make sure she is asleep?

Driver: Sure.

At the bar, Barney joined Ted and Robin to the table.

Barney: The last great idea for Fathers Day-No, a pregnancy test, but instead of a blue line, there is a small blue Barney who does that.

Ted: Day of Non-Fathers, it sucks. It's a feast for the losers.

Barney: What are you talking? This is a good group of friends.

Ted: This is the effect cheerleaders.

Barney: No, Ted. It works for girls.

Robin: Look at these guys, individually. These geniuses are not childless by choice, my friend.

Ted: Good night, Barney.

Robin: Good night.

Ted and Robin out of the bar, leaving Barney alone.

Barney: Sock.

Marshall joined Lily in the kitchen.

Marshall: I smell pancakes with chocolate?

Lily: No, you feel "pancake, I'm sorry for being such a stupid drunk" chocolate.

Marshall: There's no "I wish not to throw up on you" bacon?

Lily: Of course.

Marshall: Baby...

Lily: I blame myself for last night. I was really painful. I just panicked at the thought of whether we are ready to parent. But you are so well taken care of me. I know you're gonna be a good father.

Marshall: I want to be a father now.

Lily: What?

Marshall: Last night, it was just... I share between work and drunk baby Lily, it was too. I just begin with this job, I work long hours... I love you. And I really want to have children one day.I just want... I want to be ready for that.

Lily: Me too. When we're ready, I know you'll be fantastic.

Marshall: You too.

Lily: You wanna make love, by protecting themselves now?

Marshall: Yes.

Lily: You want to finish your bacon first?

Marshall: You're the perfect woman.

Barney sings karaoke.

Barney: "And the cat is in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon. When are you going back home, Dad? I do not know when we're together then, son I know we will have a good time. "

The End