04x15 - The Stinsons

[bunniefuu]

The band is in McClaren's.

Lily: Look. Three beautiful blondes drinking bad decision juice at 8am.

Marshall: Pretty radar chest. This is my wife.

Barney: No, I must go.

Lily: Seriously? They are blond and stuffed. This is not your type?

Barney: Maybe I did not like. My God, you think that the male spirit is really so simple, we all have a favorite type? Lord.Asian, big tits. I go to the bathroom, then I'm going.

Lily: You noticed that Barney is weird lately?

Ted: Actually, yes. You know, he never gives flowers to a girl, because living things remind babies?

Lily: Yes.

Ted: The other day I saw him in a flower shop on the 82nd, he bought roses.

Robin: What?

Marshall: Now that you say, Barney did something weird yesterday at the office.

Flashback

Barney is sitting in his office.

Barney: OK, to Saturday. (Marshall is in the doorway) I was thinking of a brunch, and perhaps a hike. I love you too.

End flashback

Marshall: I thought he was talking to a girl he just wanted to jump. Or Ted, but now I know more.

Lily: You think it is possible that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend?

Barney: A plus.

Lily: Wait. Where are you going?

Barney: Nowhere. At the beach. It's winter. Laser Tag. At home. Shut up! It is you who are going somewhere.

Barney leaves the bar.

Lily: My God. He goes to see now.

Everyone ran from the bar to catch Barney.

They are all in a taxi and follow Barney.

Marshall: Where is Barney?

Ted: Yeah. It is even more in Manhattan. Where does this girl?

Robin: We talk about a woman that Barney Stinson has worked. I vote for Narnia.

Ted: He stops.

Barney enters a house without knocking. Lily knocking on the door. Barney opens.

Barney: What are you doing here?

Lily: Where is she?

Barney: Who?

Lily: Your girlfriend. You did not really like, huh?

Barney: These are my friends. Ted, Marshall, Lily and Robin.Guys, here is Loretta. My mother.

Loretta: Nice to meet you. I feel I already know you. Barney can not stop talking about you every day.

Robin: You call your mother every day?

Barney: Mom!

Lily: So that's what we hide you? You did not want people to know that you're a momma's boy.

Barney: Yes, you got me. I guess you can leave.

A woman walks down the stairs.

Woman: Hello.

Robin: Hi.

Woman: Who are these people?

Barney: Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin. I present to you Betty... my wife. And my son, Tyler.

GENERIC

Loretta: Betty and I are going to prepare dinner. There will be something for everyone.

Betty: But forget, one meatloaf, after what was said Dr. Grossbard on your cholesterol.

Barney: She wants me to live long.

Betty: Guilty. I love you.

Barney: Me too.

Barney kisses.

Tyler: Me-seven!

Barney: Will in, little rascal! I'll see you at the bar?

Robin: What's that, Barney?

Barney: It's a long story. As you know, my father had to leave my mother when I was a baby because he became presenter of the Just Price.

Robin: Very good program.

Marshall: Bob Barker is your father.

Barney: She had to raise my brother and I, all alone. And his only wish was that his son did not end up alone like her. And there seven years, she fell ill.

Flashback

Barney is c hospital alongside his mother.

Barney: I do not think she was going to make. So I decided to fulfill his wish. Mom. This is Betty. We're engaged.

End flashback

Barney: I hired an actress to play my girlfriend "Betty". His real name is Margaret. It is mainly small theaters. Superb actress.In it a Moliere. I say no more. This is political. I should not talk about it. But there is a problem. Betty has a slight tendency to improvise.

Flashback

Barney: You see, Mom? I found someone who makes me happy. As you wished.

Loretta: It's beautiful. I wish I could stay for small children.

Betty: I'm pregnant!

End flashback

Barney: And then my mother went better. It was miraculous.But I had to keep "Betty" and make a casting to find my son, Tyler.

Lily: It's crazy. Did you actually cast your own son?

Barney: For a while, it was enough to borrow / keep the baby from neighbors. And once at Christmas, my mother was drunk at the grog, I went out with a bag of flour and a Chucky mask.But eventually I had to audition.

Flashback

Many children are before Barney, with numbers.

Barney: four, eight... thirteen, you stay. The other, you can leave.

Woman: You said if I slept with you, my son would have the role.

Barney: Apparently I'm better actor than your son. Bring those from 11!

End flashback

Barney's son arrives in the lounge.

Barney: And that's how the role of Tyler went to... Grant.

Ted: Come on, Grant looks pretty good.

Barney: Really? Look. Tyler? Tyler? Tyler? Grant?

Grant: Yes?

Barney: You see? This is amateur work. Believe me, the child stars had better possession in the 80s.

Lily and Marshall go down the stairs.

Lily: It sounds like your mother kept your child's room as you had left.

Marshall: It's a huge Karate Kid poster above your bed.

Barney: Karate Kid's a great movie. This is the story of a young karate enthusiast whose dreams led him to Karate Championship All Star Valley. Unfortunately, he loses in the final against another loser. But he learned an important lesson in accepting his defeat.

Lily: Wait. When you watch Karate Kid, you are the wicked little blonde?

Barney: No, I'm for the other loser from New Jersey who barely knows karate. When I watch Karate Kid, I'm for real karate kid: Johnny Lawrence of Cobra Kai dojo. Do not get dumber than you are, Lily.

Ted: I just remembered where I know you. I saw you play at the theater of disorientation, Die heilige Johanna der Schlachthöfe by Bertolt Brecht, last fall. You were a revelation!

Betty: Really?

Ted: Yes.

Betty: Thank you. I know not, finally, the purpose of Brecht's work is of course...

Ted and Betty:... to confuse people.

Ted: Yes. Sorry. You got a Brechtophile before thee!

Betty: You know it really theater.

Ted: Mrs Theatre has won my heart once and has never left me. Every year at Christmas, I created a piece for parents with all the kids.

Flashback

Boy: Hey, Santa, do you think we can take off with this weather?

Ted: Cut! Cut! Grandpa and Grandma will be there in half an hour, and you always skinned my words. I feel like I'm going to write, direct and play this thing. Give me your elf hat. Sit down.

End flashback

Ted: I always wanted to be an actor. It is this kind of dream that flies away with time.

Betty: Look, if you want, I can give you advice as an actor.

Ted: Really?

Betty: I would love. Rule number one player...

While Betty speaks with Ted, Robin sits on the couch next to Tyler.

Grant: At least one person who still loves to play. I miss that.

Robin: You do not like playing the son of Barney?

Grant: I hate. But what can I do? I get no phone call.

Robin: I know what it is. I am a presenter. But I had to accept a job on a morning show that starts at 4:30. I thought evolve much faster than that, you know? I'm almost 30 years.

Grant: Come on, you're still beautiful. I love your new nose.

Robin: I have not had surgery.

Grant: That's it. Neither do I.

Marshall and Lily are in the kitchen with the mother of Barney.

Lily: I can not believe that there has never met you. Who knew that Barney's mother was so great?

Loretta: Thank you, darling. Actually, I was not so perfect a mother when I was younger.

Marshall: Do not say that. I'm sure you were great.

Loretta: Yeah, I was rather a drag.

Lily: I'm sorry?

Loretta: A drag, darling. A dirty streak. I am not proud. But...Finally, I had fun. There's no pleasure as intense as... to watch a guy in the eye and say, "I do not know your name, and you either, but... the next eight minutes we're going to flinch foundations of this gas station toilet. " Then to proceed in opposite directions. And just drive.

Marshall: Barney Mom? Loretta.

Loretta: Finally, all this is history now. I did the best I could, but... Sometimes, I wonder how Barney was able to become so perfect.

Marshall and Lily talk to Barney.

Marshall: You must tell the truth to your mother, OK? Listen, this is a nice woman, loving, a little too direct that deserves better.

Barney: No, no question. The truth would k*ll her.

Marshall: I do not feel well to the idea of lying to a woman so warm, OK? It reminds me of my mother. What?

Lily: Warm? Remember to marriage, I said we would be together forever? On our return down the aisle, your mother leaned over and said, "Not forever, darling. Marshall will go to heaven. "

Marshall: She was joking.

Lily: She hates me, Marshall. But that's okay, because...Forget.

Marshall: You're going to say what?

Lily: Nothing. You want to go do it again in the bedroom of Barney?

Barney: On the bed "race car"?

Marshall: The handles are great. Listen, Lily, if you learned something today, is that honesty is important in a family.Whatever your feelings about my mother, we've been together for 12 years, baby. I think I can handle it.

Lily: Really? I hate your mother.

Marshall: You know what? I hate you!

Marshall goes upstairs.

Loretta: In two minutes, meat loaf!

Tyler: Meatloaf? Tyler to love!

Barney: We talked about it a million times! You get no slogan!

Grant: But it's funny.

Barney: I can make another cast. Will remember your sentences for the big dinner scene.

Robin: Wait. You wrote that we will have dinner?

Barney: Just a little script. Things that my mother will be pleased to hear.

Robin: What kind?

Everyone is at the table.

Betty: And I really thought that Barney had forgot our anniversary. So I rushed into the garden, smoke coming out of my ears.

Barney: The nostrils dilated. They do it when she gets mad. I love it. As now. Like now!

Betty: You better stop!

Barney: Sorry, my little bear. Continues. You really like that for a relationship.

Betty: So I go out raging in the garden, and... candles everywhere... and a string quartet. You come to believe?

Lily: No, not at all.

Loretta: And my boy Ty-Ty. What's new?

Barney: Funny story, the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. He came to tell us what it was, you remember what you said?

Tyler: Well...

Barney: Page 4...

Tyler: The dinosaur bones at the museum have come back to life and chasing me?

Marshall: Thank you very much, man. Tonight I will not sleep.

Barney: Tyler said: "In my nightmare, mom and you did not know how much I loved you. So I'm here to say it was great...like that. "

Loretta: It was cute.

Barney: We're a happy family.

Loretta: I will take a little ice in the freezer downstairs and make the ice creams in the kitchen.

She gets up.

Barney: No weak link in this scene. Bravo!

Robin: Come on, Barney. You have no idea of the difficulty of getting a job beneath you. I really liked your tip on the bones of dinosaurs.

Marshall: You can stop with that?

Barney: Go and eat your ice.

Grant: I can not. I'm lactose intolerant.

Barney: Guess who is not lactose intolerant: Tyler. Tyler will go there and enjoy every bite.

Loretta: It's time for ice!

Barney: Yum!

Loretta: My God!

Ted and Betty kissing in the kitchen.

Tyler: Tyler dislike.

Barney: You're not gonna get us out a slogan.

Loretta: I do not understand.

Barney: I, yes. Follow me. I... been betrayed by my best friend.How could you do that, Ted? Think of the poor Tyler who tries valiantly to hold back tears. It's good my boy, you can cry.Weep!

Tyler: I do not want my mom and dad divorced!

Barney: What can you have to say for yourself?

Flashback

Betty: Rule number one player: "Do not be afraid to improvise."

End flashback

Ted: Is it I who betrayed, or that you have betrayed me?

Barney: Sorry. What?

Flashback

Betty: Rule number 5 player: "Invent a rich backdrop for your character. "

End flashback

Ted: November 14, 1998. The night train to Monte Carlo. I was in the car pool arnaquant Algerians few thousand dinars, while thou séduisais my bride! Who is blind and took you for me.

Barney: For God's sake, what are you talking?

Flashback

Betty: Rule number 8 player: "Do not be afraid to come to blows. "

End flashback

Ted slaps Barney.

Ted: You know not well what I mean?

Barney: No, not at all.

He slaps him again.

Ted: Of course I do! And for sure I'll hear you admit it, manure!

Barney: Mom, you leave us a moment?

Loretta: There was chocolate and caramel. There are lots of kinds of noodles and marshmallows.

She leaves the kitchen and Marshall closes the door.

Barney: You've lost your mind?

Betty: You were amazing! You really become that character.

Ted: Honestly, I played a really Ted, I tried not to be him.

She kisses Ted.

Barney: What's wrong with you? How do I explain this to my mother?

Lily: It may be time to tell him the truth.

Marshall: I know. Sometimes, honesty leads people to say bad things about the woman who always took care of me because I was the runt of the family. For God's sake, I'm just a 92 m!

Robin is out with Tyler.

Grant: How were my tears?

Robin: Perfect. You see? Even in a role that you hate, you manage to love what you do.

Grant: It may be like that in your new job.

Robin: You think so?

Grant: I know.

Robin: Thank you, Grant. You're pretty smart, you know that?

Grant Robin tends to its mouth, closing his eyes.

Grant: We are sorry! I thought something was happening.

Barney joined his mother in the living room.

Loretta: Honey, you okay?

Barney: Mom, I've got something to tell you. Something I should have told you long ago. Tyler is dying. And Betty said that when he is gone, it will go out. So it may soon be over.

Loretta: My God!

Barney: None of this is true! The truth is that... Betty and Tyler are actors I hired to pretend to be my family.

Loretta: What?

Barney: I just wanted you to think I had the life you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. It sounds crazy, and I'm sorry, Mom.

Loretta: Well, Betty is not your wife?

Barney: No.

Loretta: thank you God! I do not like this woman.

Barney: Really?

Loretta: Yes. And Tyler... I know I am his grandmother and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate him. "Tyler not love! "What does that mean?

Barney: Is it not?

Loretta: With your fake friends over there, I wanted to sh**t myself.

Barney: I know! They are not horrible? So really, you angry with me?

Loretta: I'm confused. I do not know why you thought having to do that. I love you, perfect family or not. I love you, no matter what.

Barney: Really?

Loretta: Really.

Barney: I'm really relieved because in reality, I am also far from being a married man can be. My stories with women you would shock and horrify you.

Loretta: Whatever. I love you always.

Barney: Seriously, you can not imagine what I could do.

Loretta: When you were 3 years old, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad, from one guy to another like a bang.

Barney: Mom!

Loretta: Promise me one thing. If ever you meet someone special, do not run away. Do not like me. Take a chance, okay?

Robin opened the door.

Robin: The taxi is here.

Barney: I'll try.

They are all in a taxi, except Ted.

Ted (2030): Thus ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives.

Lily: And I just wanted to say, if I was never cold or distant, I'm sorry.

Robin: Who speaks it?

Marshall: My mother.

Lily: It mean a lot to me if we could be closer.

Ted and Betty is in another taxi.

Betty: Breathe loudly as if the result would be hard to say. I love you.

Lily: I love you...

Ted: Mom...

He is also on the phone.

Lily:... Mom.

Betty: Do like I was nice.

Lily: Do like I was nice. I mean, it's really nice of you, Judy.You too. See you soon.

Marshall, Lily, Barney, Robin and Ted are in McClaren's.

Marshall: That I understand that. You tell me when you watch Karate Kid, you're not in San Daniel?

Barney: Nope!

Ted: Who do you like in Die Hard?

Barney: Hans Gruber, the villain class. At the end, it is trapped.This is the title character.

Lily: OK, and Breakfast Club?

Barney: The teacher who is watching. This is the only one who passes the whole movie in a suit.

Robin: I have one. Terminator.

Barney: What is the title, Robin? Who among us has not shed a tear when his small red eye goes to the end and he can not k*ll these people? Sorry. The film...

Ted: I'll watch the film again with you.

Barney: They even try to help!

The End