2009: IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted (2030): Kids, on my first day as a college professor, there were two things I didn't know that I wish did. The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom.
A blond girl in the classroom raises her hand and Ted looks at her.
Ted (2030): The second thing? Well, to explain that we have to go back to the beginning of the summer.
**FLASHBACK WITH IMAGES OF ROBIN AND BARNEY**
Ted (2030): When, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other, Barney and Robin finally, well...
Image of their kiss.
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Whoo!!!
Robin: Lily! All we need is your indoor "whoo."
Lily: Sorry. (slower) Whoo! It's just they kissed! They're finally a couple. Oh, my God, you guys! This is our first double date! First of millions! What if our kids get married?! Oh I love this!
Barney: Yeah, Lily, listen.
Robin: Barney's awesome.
Barney: Robin's more than just awe-"some." She's awe-"quite a bit." She's awe-"a whole darn lot."
Lily: Wait, what are you saying?
Robin: We're just not feeling it right now. But we'll totally still be friends.
Barney: Oh yeah.
Lily: Is it something I did?
Robin: Oh no, no, no. God, no. Lily, it's not you. It's us.
Barney: Yeah, It's us. You understand, right?
Lily: Sure, of course. As long as you're happy, I'm happy.
IN. LILY AND MASHALL'S ROOM
Lily is crying and eating ice-cream.
Lily: We were gonna take cooking lessons together and we were gonna go on camping trips together and then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories about our cooking lessons and our camping trips.
Marshall: (trying to console her) I know. I Know. So... has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...
Ted (2030): After that, the summer went by way too fast. Until all of a sudden, it was the Friday before my first day as a college professor.
IN. MC LAREN'S BAR
Marshall offers a big present to Ted.
Ted: Wow! What's this?
Marshall: It's just a little something that we got for you that used to belong to my favourite professor of all time.
Ted opens the box.
Ted: A fedora! (he puts it on his head and pulls out a whip) I'm Indiana Jones! I'm Indiana Jones!!
Barney: That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000, the best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.
Ted: You know what we should do? We should...
Marshall: Finish our drinks, go out in the alley, and whip stuff.
Ted: God... you just get me.
Robin: OK, I should get going. I got a date.
Barney: You're still seeing that guy?
Robin: Even better, seeing him naked.
Robin and Barney: (striking their fist) What!
Barney: I should go, too. I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night and I don't know, it's weird. I already feel like seconds.
They strike their fist and leave the bar together.
OUT. STREET BEHIND THE BAR
Marshall: OK Ted, You got first whip!
Ted: All right. (imitating Clint Eastwood) Hey, dummy (to a mannequin). What did tell you about smoking in here?
Marshall: Make him whip the habit! I'so excited about this whip! I got whip fever! Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him!
IN. TED ANDMARSHALL'S HALL
Marshall's cheek is red.
Ted: I'm so sorry.
Marshall: It's just the whip's not a toy. There's such a thing as common sense, you know.
Ted: You can whip me if you want.
Marshall: I will, some other time.
They open the door of the apartment and come in. They see Robin and Barney kissing in the sofa.
Lily: Whoo!!!!!!
****GENERIC
IN. TED AND ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Lily: So, how long has this been going on?
Barney: All summer.
Lily: I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.
Barney and Robin: Wow, wow...
Barney: Girlfriend?
Robin: Slow your roll there, Lilypad.
Barney: Yeah, yeah.
Lily: You've been together all summer. I don't get it.
Robin: Ok, It's like this. After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.
**FLASHBACK**
Robin: We should figure out what this is.
Barney: Yes, we should. Or. Or...
They kiss again.
And after having sex:
Robin: Okay, now, we have to figure this out.
Barney: Yes, we do. Or. Or...
They kiss again.
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Robin: We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.
Barney: Yeah, the talk sucks. You have to, like, talk. And be all, "I don't know.
It's not that I don't like you. It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time. I hope it doesn't make you mad." Who needs it?
Lily: You needs it. Guys, you can't just keep hooking up and not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.
Robin: Yeah, we knew you would say that. That's why we kept it a secret.
Barney: Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on.
Lily: No, no, no (trying to hold Barney who tries to kiss Robin). You need to define the relationship. You ne to have the talk.
Barney: Or. Or...
And he kisses Robin.
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: I know what you're all thinking. Who's this cool peer of mine up in front the class?" I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you I'm Ted.
The blond girl raises her hand.
Ted: Question. Awesome. Hit it.
Blond Girl: Yeah, here's my question, "Ted," who the hell do you think you are?
A boy: Yeah Ted, we're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.
Another boy: And if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?
Ted: They're at home. I...
Another girl: And where are your pants?
Ted has no pants. Everybody in the class laughs.
Ted wakes, he's in his bed.
IN. TED'S ROOM
Ted: Oh, God.
Barney is in the room, looking for a condom.
Ted: Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...
Barney: Ted, now's not a good time. Where do you keep your condoms?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Ted: I am freaking out. I don't think I can do this.
Barney: Okay, look, mistake number 1 was taking that girl's question. You don't take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Mistake number 2 was you should've hit that. Dude, your pants were already off, you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on, and you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream. Class dismissed.
Marshall: Mistake number 3, dude, where was the hat? Cause if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.
Lily: I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important. You're their teacher, not their friend.
Barney: Exactly.
Lily: If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.
Barney: Amen.
Lily: You have to make things clear.
Barney: Run tell that.
Lily: Define the relationship.
Barney: Yes! No! Lily, private convo time.
They go a little further.
Barney: Lily, can't you just let us be happy?
Lily: You're not happy. You just think you're happy because you feel happy.
Barney: And that's not happy?
Lily: Of course not. You and Robin need to have the talk.
Barney: Why? Give me one good reason.
Lily: I'll give you 20...
Barney: Waow, You can't even think of one. Headlights. Dear. Lily, for the last time, things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be. Oh, hey, look, Brad's here.
Brad: (to Robin) I've got two tickets to the Rangers/Canucks game tomorrow night. I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...
Robin: Euh, oh, hum, heu...
Brad: What do I have to do? Put a g*n to your head? Buy you a six pack?
He lifts his T-shirt.
Robin: Come on, Brad, that's... Wow, There's really six of them. But, I can't.
Brad: Why not? You have a boyfriend?
Robin: No. No, no boyfriend.
Brad: Great! It's a date.
He turns to leave.
Brad: Hey Barn!
Barney: Hey Brad.
Lily: I just thought of a reason.
Ted (2030): The next night, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.
OUT. HOCKEY GAME
Robin: You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.
**LILLTE FLASHBACK**
Robin: Damn it, Hordichuk! You miss another gimme like that, I'm gonna come down there and put a slapper right up your beerhole! Come on!
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Brad: Not really.
Robin: The truth is, I feel kind of weird being out with you.
Brad: Oh, man. Is this the talk?
Robin: What?
Brad: No, this is good. Let's get it all out of the way. Robin, I'm looking for something serious.
Robin: No, Brad, no, it's...
Brad: But before we go any further, you should know something about my stuff below the belt. I was born a little different.
Robin: God, no... Brad, no... This is about me and Barney.
Brad: You and Barn... oh, so you guys are...
Robin: Well, we don't know what we are. I mean, my heart says "leap into it." My brain says "it's a bad idea."
Brad: Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.
IN. TED'S APPARTMENT
Barney: We're not gonna have the talk.
Marshall: Would you just have the talk, okay? It's a five-minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards. It's great! Back me up, Ted.
Ted: I don't think the talk is necessary.
Marshall: What?!
Barney: Thank you, Ted.
Ted: Because Robin is already his girlfriend.
Barney: What?!
Ted: MacLaren's Bar, four years ago...
** FLASHBACK MC LAREN'S BAR, 4 YEARS AGO**
Barney: How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend? Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for gremlins.
Ted: "Gremlins"?
Barney: Gremlins. Rule number 1. Never get them wet. In otherords, don't let her take a shower at your place. Number 2. Keep them away from sunlight. I.E. Don't ever see them
during the day. And rule number 3, never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her ever.
Ted: What about brunch? Is brunch cool?
Barney: No, Ted. Brunch is not cool.
Ted: OK, new topic. How do I pick a tie?
Barney: Simple. Remember in the movie Predator...
**END OF FLASHBACK**
Barney: I've done all three of those things with Robin. Is she my girlfriend?
Marshall: Just once, I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night.
OUT. HOCKEY GAME
Voice: Ladies and gentlemen, time to pucker up for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam!
Robin and Brad are chosen by in the video cam.
Brad: Okay, how about this. If you kiss me, and you feel bad about it, you're meant to be with Barney.
Robin: Why not? Lay it on me.
They are about to kiss but Barney arrives and separates them.
Barney: Hey Brad!
He hits him but he hurts himself.
Barney: Brad, we can't fight like this all night! We both got some good sh*ts in. Let's call a truce!
Brad: It's okay, dude. I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.
Barney: Wow, wow, wow, Girlfriend? Hey, come on.
Robin: That's putting it a bit strongly.
Barney: A bit strongly. She's not my girlfriend.
Robin: A gifriend's a bit much, Brad, okay?
IN. MC LAREN'S
Lily: Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical v*olence. Now, will you please have the talk?
Barney: Because of that? Come on. That's my thing. I'm always punching guys. Girls... I'll punch a baby. I don't care.
Ted (2030 ): Finally, my first class had arrived. For real this time. I knew I had to make
a strong impression. I had thought of everything. Except...
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted is writing his name on the blackboard.
Ted: (for himself) Wait. Does professor have one "F" or two? Oh, my God... Oh, my God! Professor. Pro-fess-or. They're all staring at me. I don't know. Just do something! Two "F's". That looks right. I think that's right.
He turns to see the students' reaction. A girl moves her head to say "no". So Ted transforms the F into E. Then he turns to see the girl, who says yes with her head.
IN. ROBIN'S ROOM
Barney: Hey, sorry I went little too far last night.
Robin: We've been over this. Unless I say "flugelhorn" you haven't gone too far.
Barney: No, I meant punching Brad.
Robin: Right. Look, don't even worry about it. It's...
She tries to open the door but it's locked.
Robin: God. The doorknob's broken off. We're locked in here. Did, did you do this?
Barney: No.
Robin: Flugelhorn. Did you do this?
Robin: (knocking at the door) Ted, are you out there?
Lily: (sitting behind the door) Ted's not here, Robin.
Robin: Lily, let us out of here.
Lily: I'd be glad to. Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.
Robin: Lily! Come on. Let us out!
Lily: No. Sit down, define the relationship, write down that definition on a piece of paper, slip it under the door, and if I like what I read, you can go.
Barney: We are not having the talk!
Lily: Then you'll die in there.
Robin: You're gonna lock us in here? Well, guess what? Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex!
Lily: Well, guess what? I broughtMarshall with me, so maybe we'll do the same.
Marshall: Hey, guys.
IN. TED'S CLASROOM
Ted (2030): I still hadn't decided what kind of professor I wanted to be...authoritative or cool guy. I thought I would decide in the moment. And I did. About 20 times.
Ted: Good morning. 'Sup, dudes? Silence! This is Architecture 101. I am Professor Mosby. But you can call me Ted. Professor Mosby. T-Dawg. Do not call me T-Dawg.
The same blond girl raises her hand.
Barney appears as an angel.
Barney: Never take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Also, don't look right here (showing girl's boobs). Okay, good luck. Byesies.
And he disappears.
Ted (2030): This was it, my crossroads moment. What kind of professor was I gonna be. I had to decide.
Ted: Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture. Thank you! Now...
Ted (2030): Professor Mosby had arrived. Of course, if I had taken
that girl's question... who, by the way, was not your mom. Your mom was sitting... Wait, let me finish this real quick. Here's what that girl would have said.
Blond girl: I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby, but this isn't Architecture 101. This is Economics 305. You're in the wrong classroom.
Ted (2030): Yes, I was in the wrong classroom. And thus began the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.
Ted: Here's your think-about-it for the day. Every single person in this room... is already an architect.
A girl: Architect?
IN. ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Robin and Barney are always looked in the room, while Lily and Marshall wait behind the door. Robin slips a note under the door.
Marshall: (reading): We're just hanging out."
Lily: Just hanging out? Not good enough.
Marshall: (whipping with the whip) Not good enough!
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: Can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about?
A boy: Economics?
Everybody laughs.
Ted: Don't laugh. He's not... He's not entirely wrong. An architect must be economical in his use of space, so... well done. Looks like someone's building towards an A.
IN. ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Marshall: (reading the new note slipped by Robin) "We're seeing where things are going."
Lily: I'll tell you where things aren't doing... out of that bedroom. Not good enough.
Marshall: (whipping) Not good enough!
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: (to a student) You... Why do you want to be an architect?
Student: I don't want to be an architect.
Ted: Yes, exactly. It's not something you want to be. It's something you need to be. You don't have a choice, right? None of you has a choice.
Everybody raise their hand.
Ted: No questions!
ROBIN'S APPARTMENT
Marshall: (reading the new note) "We're Barnman and Robin." (he laughs) Come on, you got to admit, that's kind of fun, Lily.
Lily: Not... good enough.
Marshall: (whipping) Not good enough!
IN. TED'S CLASSROOM
Ted: So if any of you have even the slightest inclination to do anything with your life other than become an architect, you're wasting my time and yours. There's the door... You can go. I'm serious. Get out, now.
They are all about to leave.
Ted: Wait... Don't... all leave! Architecture's fun! Look! I brought a hacky sack!
Other professor: (coming into the classroom) Sorry I'm late, everyone. My name is Professor Calzonetti. This is Economics 305. You may return to your seats.
Ted: Sorry, sir. This is... Architecture 101. Who invited their dad, right?
Professor: Young man, for the last 28 years, Economics 305 has been taught right here in building 14, room 7.
Ted: Euh, yeah, but, I'm sure 200 architecture students and their professor all got the room wrong.
Student: T-Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro.
Everybody laugh.
Ted runs to the right classroom.
Ted: Kids, out of my way! Sorry. Coming through. Excuse me. Coming through.
IN. ROBIN AND TED'S APPARTMENT
Ted is back, he has told Lily and Marshall about his first day.
Lily: 20 minutes late on your first day? That's rough.
Ted: Yeah, but here's the funny thing. By that point, I didn't have time to think about what kind of teacher I was going to be. I just got up there and talked about architecture. And it was kind of great.
Lily: That's awesome, Ted.
Marshall: Congratulations, buddy.
Ted: Thanks.
Robin: (from her room) Nice job, Ted.
Barney: (from Robin's room) Hey, Ted, door five! Were you there?
Ted: (to Barney) Yeah, I got you, buddy. (to Marshall and Lily) They still haven't had the talk?
Marshall: I think I know how to speed things up
A few minutes later.
Robin: Not cool!
Marshall is using a ventilator to bring smells in their room.
Marshall: Pancakes, fresh bacon. It is so yummy.
Robin: (to Barney) Dude, I'm starving. Let's... Let's just have the stupid talk. Come on.
Barney: Fine. But how do these things even work? What do we say?
Lily slips a note under the door.
Robin: (reading) Where do you see this relationship going? My God, that sounds so cheesy.
Barney: I know, right?
Robin: Totally. But hum... Where do you see this relationship going?
Barney: I don't know. I mean, it's not like I don't like you. I just haven't had a girlfriend
for a long time. I hope that doesn't make you mad.
Robin: Mad? I feel the same way. I suck at relationships. I mean, except with Ted. He really got it right. I know it's a cliché, but... he really ruined me for other men.
Ted (2030): Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation, but I have to imagine
Robin said something like that.
Barney: Maybe we should go back to being just friends.
Robin: Maybe. But hum... I don't want to stop having sex.
Barney: Good. Me, neither.
Robin: Friends isn't gonna work.
Barney: We're not good at being friends. We're not good at being in a relationship. What are we good at?
Robin: I know something we're good at.
Barney: I don't know. If we're gonna do it again, I'm gonna need some Gatorade...
Robin: No,not that. Lying. Think about it. We spent the whole summer lying about being just friends. Why not just keep lying?
They slip a note under the door. Lily takes it and read.
Lily: Really?
Robin: Really. We sat down. We had the talk. Barney's my boyfriend now.
Barney: And Robin's my girlfriend. I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.
Robin: We're both afraid of commitment but... the fact is, we also can't live without each other.
Barney: And if the alternative is not being together, then it's worth taking this risk 'cause... she's awesome.
Robin: And he's awesome. He looks nice in a suit.
Barney: She can handle her Scotch.
Robin: He's my boyfriend.
Barney: And she's my girlfriend.
Lily unlocks the door and hugs them.
Marshall: (whipping) Good enough!
OUT. STREET
Robin: (leaving the building) She bought it.
Barney: Hook, line, and sinker. We are good.
Robin: Totally. So, you want to get some breakfast?
Barney: You know, brunch actually does sound kind of good.
Robin: Well, lead the way, sweetie pie.
Barney: Flugelhorn?
Robin: Yeah, that felt wrong.
Lily, Marshall and Robin watch them going away holding hands.
Ted: You do realize they were lying, right?
Lily: No, Ted, they don't realize they weren't lying.
IN. MC LAREN's
Marshall is coming, wearing a suit.
Marshall: Hello. Hello. Good evening. Hello. Don't get up. Didn't we meet on a yacht? Hello.
He sits next to Barney and Ted.
Marshall: What? Did I not tell you guys that it was Tuxedo Night? Doesn't feel very good, does it?
05x01 - Definitions
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"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.
"How I Met Your Mother" follows Ted's searches for the woman of his dreams in New York City, with the help of his four best friends, culminating in eventual happiness with his children's mother.