05x08 - The Playbook

[bunniefuu]

Ted (2030): Children, go out with someone for this is simple. We must be confident, good about yourself, and course of who you are. Uncle Barney was very good on this last point, although many times it was someone else.

Barney is the bar disguised as a diver. Lily approaches a woman at the counter installed.

Lily: You see that guy over there in diving suit? You think you're going to go talk to him?

Woman: No.

Lily: Okay. This is certainly the biggest con on this planet.

Woman: How do you know?

Lily: This is one of my best friends.

Woman: And the diving suit?

Lily: It's a long story. You see, he just break...

Ted (2030): There are two basic ways to behave after a breakup.Some are dedicated solely to...

Flashback

At Ted's apartment...

Robin: My career. This is my new priority. From now on, more a date. The job.

Ted (2030): While others are dedicated solely to...

Barney: All women of New York. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mother, lock your daughters. Daughters, lock your MAQACENJaR.

Marshall: MAQACENJaR?

Ted: Wait, I can find. With Mothers Who I'd like Sunset And Never Forgot.

Barney: You have the right answer!

Lily: You're not rush a little, then?

Barney: Since I went out with Robin there is a trick that I have not used as much as I wanted. It is... rather large, surprisingly heavy, with the skin, and it's black. My friends, this is the book of... Roles.

GENERIC

Barney: The Roles book contains all the scams, trickery, deception, underhand, cunning, nonsense, and embobinages tricks I used, or expected use, to nab the girls and do their business.

Marshall: You're writing another book? Stephen King was one right there.

Barney: It's all there. Everything, starting from the basic, like Le Bois Do Not Ca...

DO NOT THE WOOD ~ ~ CA

At MacLaren's, Barney keeps women from drinking his glass.

Barney: Do not drink it. I saw a guy put something.

Woman: What? Who?

Barney: This guy.

It shows Ted, who is dumped to the ground by a man.

Woman: Thank you.

Barney:... Until more advanced maneuvers, such as the Ms. Stinsfire.

~ ~ THE Ms. STINSFIRE

In an apartment...

Women: Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing on obscene behavior last semester, we welcome a new housekeeper. I present to you Ms. Stinsfire.

Barney arrives disguised as a woman, and a feather duster in hand.

Ms. Stinsfire: Hello, girls!

Marshall: I do not see how it could not walk.

Ted: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?

Barney: Glad you asked. The Lorenzon Von Matterhorn will be my comeback on stage. Or, you know, in my bed. In fact, my bed is on a stage. I put it on a platform and installed lighting. A real production. Barney goes!

He gets up from the couch and leaves.

In McLaren's...

Marshall: And you Robin? You leave it in play? Where is your book of Roles?

Robin: My book? Buddy... in two volumes, right here.

Ted: A great book.

Lily: Yeah, I'm reading it.

Robin: So, I have told you, I take a break on that side.

Ted: It's going to happen.

Marshall: Bluntly.

Robin: What?

Ted: You'll fall in love.

Marshall: Very soon.

Robin: It's unlikely, I focus on my career, finished the rencards.

Ted: We play Pyramid. What people are saying just before meeting the love.

Marshall: Kelly Harris, a fellow law school, said... "The law school is too hard, I want to focus on courses. "Six months later?Married!

Robin: It's good but...

Ted: Travis Frenchroy, replacing bartender told me... "I'm done with all these rencards. I want to concentrate on my fan fiction of Star Trek. "Six months later... Married!

Robin: I answer? It's good for them...

Marshall: Matthew Blitz, accounting job, said... "I will die alone.To focus as much on taxes this year. "Six months later? PACS and plans to marry pending the enactment of the Act currently in the Senate from New York!

Ted: It happens, whatever you say. It is a law of nature.

Marshall: Judged. By nature.

Ted: Trust me. I would not get interested in relationships. I would not be single if I wanted to be single.

Lily: Okay. Are you ready?

Ted: Ready for what?

Lily: Three years ago, Shelly started working at my school.When I saw her, I said, "It's perfect for Ted."

Ted: Why do not you talk to me now?

Three years earlier, Lily enters MacLaren's with Shelly.

Shelly: I usually hate rencards arranged but Ted looks great.

Lily: He is. It is so great and attentive and intelligent.

Marshall: Another chicken and stick to you the crown!

Ted tries to make the most of chicken fingers in his mouth.

Lily: I do not see it. It must be voluntary. So, another bar?

Lily leaves the bar with Shelly.

Ted, with chicken fingers in the mouth: This girl is super nice with Lily!

Ted: Yeah she was pretty.

Lily: It still is. And you're ready.

Marshall: But you can put three times more than chicken fingers in your mouth. You know.

Lily: I will fix it but promise me not to do anything stupid.

Ted: I promise to do anything stupid.

Ted (2030): And I kept that promise. But just because... it never came.

A school where Lily works...

Shelly: I know. I'm sorry, I am ashamed.

Lily: You should!

Shelly: This is the case!

Lily: You should! You should!

Shelly: This is the case, it does! This is false. I could not wait to meet Ted but I arrived at the bar an hour early and I met this great guy. Kind, serious genius.

Lily: And you met him at McLaren's?

Shelly: Just at the bar.

Lily: What is the name there?

Shelly: I should not say. And sh*t. This is Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!

Barney opened his door.

Lily: You... dirty bastard.

End flashback

Marshall, Lily, Robin, Ted and wife Lily was seeing are at the same table and watch Barney in diving suit, sitting at another table, alone.

Woman: So, he got Shelly? It must have upset you.

Lily: Bluntly.

Flashback

Lily is Barney.

Lily: I had put aside for Ted Shelly for 3 years.

Barney: My hen, Ted did not miss much. She is brainy, boring, a bit boring in bed. In fact it would have been perfect for Ted.Oops! (Lily hits him) If I had known she was there for Ted, I would have obviously not done, but... given the circumstances, I think Ted would be proud of me. I managed The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

End flashback

Woman: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?

Lily: Exactly, yes.

Flashback

Lily: What The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn?

Barney: Glad you asked.

LORENZO THE VON ~ ~ MATTERHORN

Barney is on his computer.

Barney: To achieve the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn is what you need, basic knowledge in web design and a truly unique fake name. So think about your fake name right away. You? Fine.Now choose your target. (It is now at the bar) Preferably a girl with a great big... phone. (He approaches the counter Shelly installed) Yeah that's me.

Shelly: I know you?

Barney: I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

Shelly: You are, kind known?

Barney: Yes. You do not know who I am, does not it? It feels good for once. Nice to meet you...

Shelly: Shelly.

Barney: Shelly? Again, I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. It is written as it is pronounced, with two "T". (He leaves) Then, once you leave, she takes out her phone and tries Lorenzo Von Matterhorn on the Internet. And that's when she discovers... A series of fake websites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. A false item of business on Lorenzo, the hermit billionaire. The fake of the Explorer Club newsletter on his trip to the North Pole in an airship, a feat of imagination and challenge. The fake medical journal with a story to make you cry the doctors saying that a reduction of the penis is not an option. And time to return... (Barney returns to Shelly) I hate to be cheeky, but I can offer you a coffee?

Shelly: Yes! Please.

Barney: How much is a coffee today, $ 50? And here we go.

He leaves the bar with Shelly.

Lily: It's horrible. You realize you've broken her heart? She is inconsolable.

Barney: Why would it be inconsolable? The airship of Lorenzo will not disappear in the Arctic for a week. Sorry if this is that someone told her that it was lies.

At school...

Shelly: It was all lies?

Lily: It was all lies.

Shelly: The expedition in the airship?

Lily: Lies!

Shelly: The artificial island in the shape of his face off Dubai?

Lily: Lies!

Shelly: Finishing third in the contest of Laser Tag?

Lily: Men... Actually, that's true. I went there.

Shelly: You went to the Vatican?

Lily: Lies!

Barney: Oh my God! Well, I hope you are pleased with you.

Lily: What?

Barney: Thou hast broken my heart.

Lily: Me?

Barney: You! She will never trust a man. You've spoiled for Ted.Not to mention Julio Von Matterhorn, the twin brother of Lorenzo.

End flashback

Lily: Do you believe? He says it's my fault. And by the way, Ted, I bet she go out with you again.

Ted: I'm thinking. Do I want to date a girl that Barney was typed?Help me for harmonies. Of course.

All, making the chorus: No way...

Lily: That must bother you a bit.

Robin: It's his life. These girls had it coming if they are stupid enough to be fooled.

Marshall: I agree. You've seen one called The Snåsa?

~ ~ THE Snåsa

Flashback

Barney at the bar with a woman.

Woman: You're an astronaut?

Barney: Actually, I'm in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA... Snåsa.

Woman: Snåsa? You went to the moon and everything?

Barney: No Moon you know, but I went on Slune.

Woman: The Slune.

End flashback

Robin: If you fall in there, you break my heart, but sorry, you're sdébile.

Woman: So, then?

Flashback

Lily: Well, Barney, you go out... You just get out of a sincere relationship. You're a big boy now. You can return to your towers to two euros.

Barney: Tours to two euros?! None of these towers is. The Tower A except two Euros.

THE TWO TOWERS ~ ~ EUROS

Barney is dressed and speaks with a woman.

Barney: I am the bassist for Tower Two Euros. And even that involves expensive hair extensions. Now, if you allow, I have to prepare for the event tonight. The I exécuterais he will not come.Glad you asked.

~ THE THERE WILL NOT ~

Barney: The To run it will not come, you will need the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Got it? Fine. For generations, this is the place chosen by New Yorkers for reunion with their lost lovers of view, you need to go to every girl and say, "He will not come."

Woman: What are you talking about?

Barney: Let it go. (He goes to another woman) He will not come.(Then another) He will not come. She's not coming? Sorry. (The woman leaves) Until... He will not come.

Woman: No? But we agreed. We always said we would meet again here. Tonight it. I'm an idiot.

Barney takes her in his arms to console her.

At the apartment, Ted and Marshall are at the console.

Robin: I'll fetch the newspaper.

Ted: Or rather, look for a husband.

Marshall: Grave.

Robin: You must stop, seriously. The last thing I'm looking for now is a relationship.

Ted: Taking the newspaper, think to watch the ads for marriages.For yours.

Marshall: It's like that. Have you any idea how many times in my life when I went to look for frozen waffles frozen in vain?

Robin: Thousands?

Marshall: Millions. But when I go in search of a mirror or the remote because Lily and I had an argument and she has hidden there, whereupon I fall? Frozen waffles. It's like that. You go out to get the newspaper, but you come back with frozen waffles.And there, frozen waffles he's a guy. As long as you're there, you take it back frozen waffles? And there, frozen waffles are... frozen waffles.

Barney, entering: Everyone, code red! Emergency. Lock.Nobody gets out.

Robin: What happened?

Barney: I tried the he will not come, and it worked. Monstrous.You should have seen this girl.

Robin: I'm leaving.

Robin fate.

Barney: So, we came up to me, and I go to my room to prepare the camera... lighting candles... and when I go out, nobody, paper and more roles! We all know who is responsible for that.

Lily: Yes, we know.

Barney: Al-Qaeda.

Lily: No, you idiot. That was me.

Barney: You... enfoirée dirty!

End flashback

In McLaren's... Barney is still dressed in diving.

Woman: You have stolen the Book of Roles? So, the daughter of the Empire State Building?

Lily: An actress friend.

Flashback

At Ted's apartment...

Barney: An actress. Of course. That explains his perfect diction and style of Drag.

Lily: I'm almost to the point of taking this book and put it on the net for everyone to see.

Barney: You would not dare.

Lily: No, as you stop scams and confidence tricks, deception, underhand, tricks, schemes and embobinages.

Barney: You did not say nonsense.

Lily: No more nonsense!

Barney: Slim.

End flashback

Robin: Sorry to interrupt but check it out.

Ted: No.

~ ~ THE Ted Mosby

Flashback

Barney pretends to Ted with a woman.

Barney: I was abandoned at the altar.

End flashback

Ted: Oh, my god, it's horrible. I wonder if it works.

Marshall: And yet this is not the worst. Do you saw My Penis grants wishes?

~ THE MY PENIS grants wishes ~

Flashback

Barney is dressed as a genius.

Woman: Really? A genie comes out?

Barney: Only if you rub hard enough.

End flashback

Woman: And what happens after it?

Ted: He starts singing and objects come alive and dance with him.

Marshall: It's not very well designed. This is not Ms. Stinsfire.

Woman: And in real life?

Lily: A few hours later...

Flashback

A knock on the door. Ted will open. Barney comes into diving suit.

Ted: Apparently, it will rain.

Barney: If you wonder, I would be at McLaren's playing a character from the Book of roles being called The Diver. That's all.

He leaves, walking with fins.

Lily: It's good. I put the Book of Roles on the Internet. Baby, you can put the Book of Roles on the Internet?

Marshall: Sure baby, but there is something odd. I flipped through the whole book. There is no role called The Diver.

Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily have joined Barney at the bar.

Barney: Now you want to know what the diver. In fact, it was on the last page of the Book, but I pulled in case. But do not worry.You will see it in action. You see the blonde next to the bar?Cizzible repérizzée.

Lily: Barney, no. You are...

Barney: Forget it, kid. If anyone should be angry with me, this is Robin. She loves the book.

Robin: I did not worship the book.

Barney: But what...? The Book of the Rolls, this is gold. Granted this is truly spectacular.

Robin: We just broke. The costumes are nice, but... it just broke.

Barney: I did not know you felt it. I was so caught up with my own projects as... Damn, she looks out there. Quickly dispersed.

Everyone will sit at another table except Barney is left alone, and Lily goes to see the woman at the counter.

Lily: It's good. You see that guy over there in diving suit?

End flashback

Lily: And here we are.

Woman: Wait. Why he wears a wetsuit?

Marshall: I have no idea. And it's k*lling us, Claire. It kills us!

Claire: Let's ask him.

They joined Barney at his table.

Lily: So what does the diver? Claire and here, in passing.

Barney: Hello, Claire. I am Lieutenant Frank Lyman. I train dolphins b*mb detectors for... You know what? I can not do that.Robin, I'm sorry. I think this break is harder for me than expected.The Book of roles was just a way to change my mind.

Robin: It's okay. It's hard for me too. Look at me. I gave up on relationships.

Marshall: She is getting married.

Ted: I will prepare my toast.

Marshall: I have to check my tuxedo.

Robin: I'll knock your heads like two coconuts.

Lily: I'm delighted that you stop it. And frankly, the real Barney is better than all the false Barney's Book of Roles.

Barney: Is it true? Claire, you must have heard a lot about the real Barney tonight. Want some coffee?

Lily: Before refusing, you should know that in this neoprene combined with what appears to be a pair of socks...

Barney: A Pringles, but still.

Lily:... is an incredible kind. He's funny and it's one of my best friends. And he came out with this g*n.

Robin: It's a good guy.

Ted: Come on, go out with him.

Marshall: It's a coffee, huh?

Robin: It's nothing.

Claire: Okay, okay. Going for coffee.

Ted (2030): And at the end of the evening...

Barney share in the company of Claire.

Marshall: I'm proud of him. It takes a lot of Pringles to be as vulnerable.

Lily: I had a message from Barney. "Look under the table." (She looks under the table and finds an envelope) A page from the Book of Roles.

Robin: It says what?

Ted: It's The Diver.

~ ~ THE DIVER

Flashback

Barney: Step one, talk to a friend Book Roles. Step two, play with one of his colleagues and make angry she steals the Book.Step three, put the combi and say you will do a final round, The Diver with the sexy girl next to the bar. Your friend, let's call her Lily, told him everything about the book. Now the hard part.When Lily and daughter are questioning The Diver, remove the mask, and pull out the stops on your deepest insecurities that do not exist because you are awesome. Sad for you, Lily talks about you to the girl who agrees to have coffee. And... is... gone.

End flashback

Lily: You dirty bastard...!

Ted, a woman I'll call you. (The woman leaves and joins Robin and Ted Marshall) For those who count the points, The Ted Mosby works.

Marshall: It is. You say you do not want a relationship. Well, the love of your life will not pass this door, and this is... this kind.

A man with blonde hair and large between.

Robin: I will not fall in love with him.

Ted: Yes, because it is... this kind.

Between an old man in turn.

Robin: No comment. The blue jacket, it does not suit me, so...

Marshall: Right, because here it is. It is this type! (A woman enters) Let him at least a chance. Get out a bit with it, see if it can give something.

Robin: I will work.

Marshall: Yeah, right.

Robin: I'm really going to work.

Ted (2030): And the irony of history...

The studio work of Robin, a man coming towards her.

Man: You, Robin?

Robin: Yes.

Man: Don, new co-host.

Ted (2030): This was the day she met Don.

Robin: Damn, Marshall.

END