01x06 - The Big Two Six

[bunniefuu]

I don't know. Is this,
like... Is it too ?

Oh, seriously, babe,
it is not the clothes.

Nobody cares how a person is
dressed in a job interview.

Kirk Friedkin is just, you
know, excited to meet you.

That's so easy for a man to say.

- Oh, boy. I'm about to get womansplained.
- Yeah, you are.

We get dissected for
every wardrobe choice.

From our shoes to our lipstick.

This has to say "assertive,
but not too assertive.

Strong but, not too strong.
Confident, but not too confident."

Does this say that?

Yes. It says, "young Angela Merkel."

- Don't say that again.
- Come on!

She is the most powerful
woman in the world.

I'm going shopping.
All my clothes are old.

You should've said Bella Hadid.

Jesus. How long have
you been standing there?

I don't know. A while.

She's too quiet.

- She's gonna walk in on us one day.
- I know. It's almost like she wants to.

Hmm. It's a suit.

I...

That's a good thing.

No?

Okay. That is also a suit.

Is it too Angela Merkel?

Totally.

Who is that?

This is a trick question,
right? Same suit?

This costs four times as
much as the other ones.

- Well, then you have to buy that one.
- Right?

Does it come with the shirt?

It's amazing, right?

It's a suit.

I deserve that.

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

Sylvia Greeves?

Yes.

- [RECEPTIONIST] Right this way.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- You too.

And how long have you been working here?

["WORK BITCH" PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, my God. It's Kirk Friedkin.

- Answer it.
- I'm too scared.

Pick it up.

Hello, Sylvia Greeves speaking.
How may I direct your call?

Oh, yes. Hello, Kirk. Nice
to see... hear from you.

Um, great to hear your voice.

Oh, wow! That's so
thrilling. I'm absolutely...

Thank you so much. I can't
wait to work with you next week.

[CHUCKLING] Okay. All the best.

- I got the job! I got the job!
- [SCREAMS] Oh! Congratulations!

- I'm so proud of you!
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you!

I'm so jealous. The best
part of getting a job

is the time right before you start.

You don't have the stress of getting it,

but you don't have to
actually do the job.

Well, I'm not there yet.
I have so much to organize

before I even start work.

I have to find someone to look
after the kids, drive them around

and sign them up for every
after school thing, you know?

It's a big transition.

- [GASPS]
- What?

You're gonna leave me
for the office moms,

- 'cause you'll be one of them.
- Oh! How dare you. I would never.

- If you break up with me...
- Here we go.

- ... I will end up on heroin.
- [GASPS]

You will find me lying in
a shelled-out building...

- Mm-hmm.
- ... on a cold, dirty floor,

- covered in Taco Bell wrappers.
- Ooh, Taco Bell.

This story has a happy ending.

- Oh, I guess it does.
- Mmm.

- [INTERCOM BUZZES]
- Hello?

[IMITATES DRACULA] Hello. This is
Dracula. I'm here for a booty call.

Um, no, thanks.

[NORMAL VOICE] Not
actually Dracula. It's Will.

How's it going? Wanna, uh, buzz me in?

I'm not super psyched
to see you right now.

- Why not?
- Maybe this rings a bell:

Our relationship is "nothing," and
I'm "not even worth mentioning."

Who told you I said that?

I'm friends with Omar. That's why I
was at your bar in the first place.

Is that how you talk about
me with all your friends?

No, my friends know how much I like
you and how much I care about you.

- It was just a weird night.
- Weird how?

Weird in that my f-friend was
there, and she's a pain in the ass,

and I... I hadn't
told her about you yet.

Her?

Yeah, my friend Sylvia.
[STAMMERS] She's an old friend.

She's happily married. She
has three children. Okay?

Wow, she's really pretty.

- How do you know that?
- I'm on her Insta.

Already? How did you do that?

She looks like a model.

Look, can I come in and we can just
talk about this in person? Hello?

Hello?

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Bye. Oh, bye.

- Bye. Have a great trip, babe.
- I will.

- I love you.
- Bye.

Bye, Daddy.

Oh, don't give Jessipa too much
sweet potato. It tends to back her up.

Have fun!

Who's ready to rock the Marriott Suites?

All right. Don't worry.
I'm here to chaperone.

There's one adult on the trip.

Glad to hear it.

[LAUGHS] You're hilarious!

[CHUCKLES] That was not a joke.

I can't tell you how much it means

that you're gonna help out
with pick-ups and afternoons,

just while I get back into
the work swing of the things.

Oh, that's what Nana's
here for. Right, Maevy?

And we're gonna have such a good time.

We actually don't usually have
this much sugar before dinner.

[CHUCKLES] That's her third lollipop.

But, uh, you know, just
on special occasions.

Well, every day's about to be a
special occasion. Isn't it? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, we're just
worried about her teeth.

But, um, pick-up is : p.m.,

but the carpool line
doesn't start until : .

[GASPS] This is a paella
I made with real shrimp.

Oh, and this is Lin-Manuel Miranda

in the grocery store.
He-He's very polite.

And the sign-out code I
mentioned on the app, Kinderlime,

is -Greeves&.

And there's a separate
sign-out code for, um, Frances,

for the a cappella choir rehearsal.

And this is a fabulous straw
hat you can pack in a suitcase,

and it just pops right back.

Are you gonna write this down, Marla?

Or do you want me to send
it to you in an e-mail?

- Mommy is such a worrier!
- [PHONE BUZZES]

- Okay. Um, I'll be... I'll be one second.
- [PHONE BUZZES]

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah. What is it? Are you dead?

Hey! No, you know how you
wanted, uh, to meet my girlfriend?

- Can you come meet her now?
- Now?

Yeah. How fast can you get to the bar?

I'm really busy. I'm really sorry.

Charlie just left on a trip.
My mother-in-law is here.

I'm trying to get organized
because I start work on Monday.

Because I got the job!

I wouldn't ask if it
wasn't very important.

"Oh! Congratulations,
Sylvia. You got the job!"

Thank you, Will. You're
such a good buddy.

I am in deep f*cking sh*t with Peyton.

She found out that I
said she was nothing

and the relationship was nothing.

- I-I-It's bad.
- [STAMMERS]

How many dates have you
gone on with this girl?

A few. Uh, we have a
very strong connection.

- Well, that's something.
- It is something.

No! It's nothing! Call me in a
year if you're still together.

I-I have to get back to
my real life right now.

She's not like that! She's
an old soul. You'll see.

I need you right now.
She thinks it's weird

that we spend so much time together

and that I didn't tell you about her.

And she is right. It is weird,

and I'm trying to
"unweird" the situation.

So, will you please just forgive me,

and just come here and help me out?

Do you remember how I said I
had a job starting on Monday?

Well, I have a job starting on Monday!

Look, I'll say it. I
want you to meet her,

because I care about your opinion.

It's actually the opinion I
care about more than anything,

so will you just come meet her?

[GASPS] Maeve, this is Nana's
friend, Marjorie's son, Peter.

He's very successful and owns
his own dermatology practice.

Okay, fine. But this is
dumb, and you owe me one.

- Hey. There she is.
- [SYLVIA] Hi.

[EXCLAIMS]

Hi!

- [CHUCKLES] Oh, hi!
- [CHUCKLING]

- Hi.
- You guys are hitting it off already.

What can I get you to drink?

Uh, just, um, your least gross beer.

- Cool. You?
- Yum.

- Whatever you think I'll like.
- Awesome.

- Have a seat in the VIP table right there.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

Um, I'm very... Uh, I'll be back.

- Okay. [CHUCKLES]
- "Reserved." [CHUCKLES]

Fancy.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Hey. [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

So, where are you...
where are you from, Peyton?

I'm from this town outside
Denver called Columbine.

Have you heard of it?

- I have.
- Really?

Mm-hmm.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Will's ladies, huh?

Ugh, I really don't have time
for your weird bullshit right now.

Fair enough. Maybe another time.

Yeah.

And, um, how did you meet Will?

Oh, my God. It's a really funny story.

- Oh, yeah?
- So, my friend Omar works here.

Mm-hmm.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

Aw. And what, uh... What
do you do for a living?

I actually used to nanny for
this family back in Colorado

with two little girls,
Kenzie and Kayden.

They're in middle school now.
[SIGHS] We text all the time.

Aw. That's so cute.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

And what... what do you
do now? What's your...

I babysit here and there.
Yeah, kids are my passion.

I'm a kid at heart. [CHUCKLES]

- Yes. Well...
- [CHUCKLES] I wanna be a teacher.

I'm actually going back to get my
Master's in Education in the fall.

Oh, that's great. I'm
actually going back to work,

and I'm looking for a babysitter
other than my mother-in-law.

- [PEYTON] Oh, my God.
- If you have any openings...

- Love to. Yes. Oh, my...
- Okay. Oh, I have three little ones, so...

Oh, exciting! What are
you guys talking about?

Sylvia asked me to babysit her kids.

It just... [STAMMERS] It just
came up. I-I wasn't even...

I'm so excited.

Good. Yeah. That'll... That'll... Hmm.

- Um...
- [CHUCKLES]

You were asking where the restroom was.

Uh, let me just walk you back there.

It's a maze here. I'll
be right back. Okay? Yeah.

- Two seconds. Um, I'll be back.
- Okay.

- She might be a while.
- [CHUCKLES]

I knew you were going to do
something f*cked up like this.

- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

We've been here for five minutes,
and Peyton is now your employee.

That is very weird.

I don't think it's weird, and
Peyton doesn't think it's weird,

so maybe believe women.

Not the right use of
that expression, FYI.

Don't toss that around like that!

- Why are you freaking out?
- You think she's too young for me.

That thought never even crossed my mind.

She's a millennial. I'm a millennial.

We are on different ends
of the millennial spectrum,

but we are both millennials.

We are bookend millennials, and
that is very romantic, I think.

I hear Joe Biden's a millennial.

Our age difference is not
that big a deal, all right?

We have a very deep connection.

And she... I don't know if you've
noticed, but she's a very old soul.

I think she's adorable.

She literally said she was a babysitter.

I needed a babysitter. That was it!

Now I'm honestly just very confused.
Did you just hire her to be nice?

Yes! I-I think she's so cute and sweet,

- and funny and...
- Stop saying she's cute and sweet, okay?

- Why?
- She's not a troll doll.

She's my girlfriend, all right?
It's a little condescending.

I think she's great. But if
you want me to "unhire" her...

No, 'cause now that would
be even weirder, all right?

You have a new babysitter.

- Congratulations.
- Okay.

Oh, it's so nice to be out for dinner.

Charlie's only been gone for hours,

and I'm just so sick of eating
dino nuggets and fish sticks.

- Mmm. No.
- No.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Peyton keeps texting me the
cutest photos. It's so annoying.

- Aw, Simon's got a girlfriend. Aw.
- Right?

She really speaks to eight-year-old
boys and -year-old men.

Basically the same thing.

I don't wanna go home. Should
we order some more dessert?

We have had everything on the menu.

Well, let's get some more
wine or, like, a cheese plate.

Please, please. I don't
want to have to go home

and make conversation with this girl.

It's a punish.

You made your weird bed, and
now you have to lie in it.

- No sympathy?
- None.

- Hey.
- [PEYTON] Hey.

How was dinner?

Oh, it was really nice. Thank you.

Thanks for asking. How were the kids?

- Ugh, so adorable. Seriously the sweetest.
- Aw.

So easy to put to sleep.

Aw, well... [SUCKS TEETH]
... thank you so much.

- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

[YAWNS] Oh, my goodness.

Think this week has just
caught up with me. [SIGHS]

Do you have a second to talk?

Yeah. Oh, God. I'd love nothing more.

- [CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT]
- [CHUCKLES]

So, you and Will go way back, right?

We do, yeah. Known each
other for over years.

He's tough to read. Like, I don't
know what's going on sometimes.

Mmm.

Anyways, I've got a birthday coming
up, and it's kind of a big one.

The big two-six.

Oh! Congratulations.

My friends are throwing
me a birthday party.

And I was thinking, I
don't know, I kinda...

- What? You want...
- ... want Will to be there.

- I want him to meet my friends.
- Hmm. 'Course.

Anyways, the theme is YOLO.
Do you know what that means?

- I do.
- It means "you only live once."

Mmm. It's interesting. It's a good idea.

- It's the first letter of all those words.
- I see.

It means just going for it,

- because you've only got this one life.
- Yeah, I get it.

So, do you think Will
would be okay with that?

Like, merging our worlds
at my birthday party.

I... You could just ask him.

What do you think he's gonna say?

I don't know. I mean,

I think he's still getting
himself together from the divorce.

I know he seems like he's together,

but he's still dealing with the fallout.

Audrey's totally moved on. I mean,
her and Skaagn just went to Norway.

What? What? How do you know them?

- Instagram. I follow them.
- Oh.

Ugh, braids. Of course.

Right? So obvi.

Do you think Will's still,
like, in love with her?

I... Absolutely not.

But I do think he's still
getting himself together.

So, if he ends up not wanting
to merge worlds at your party,

it's got nothing to do with you.

"Merge worlds" sounds cool.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

I'm gonna stick with "YOLO."

It's a great... It's a great theme.

Okay. Well, thank you again.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

[SLURPING]

And did you just... Did
you get a spot at the front?

[BUZZES]

[BUZZING]

[SIGHING]

[KNOCKING]

- My children are sleeping. [SHUSHES]
- Okay, look, we need to talk right...

- [WHISPERING] We need to talk.
- Backyard.

Okay, fine.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

I demand an apology.

What? What are you talking about?

'Cause you told Peyton that I
am still in love with Audrey.

- [SCOFFS] Okay. Uh, I... I didn't.
- You did not say that?

- Mm-mmm.
- She was just at my house freaking out

'cause she said that you said that
I was still in love with Audrey,

and I was not ready for
a "real relationship."

- I didn't say that.
- You didn't?

No, I didn't.

I said to her that you
might need to take it slow,

because you're still
recovering from the divorce,

but that's no reflection on
how much you care for her.

- Why are you saying anything to her?
- Because she asked me directly.

You are trying to
undermine my relationship.

I'm not. I'm not. [STAMMERS]

- I like Peyton. She's adorable. She's...
- This "adorable" sh*t again.

Stop saying that!

You think that she's too young for me,

and instead of just
saying that to my face,

you made her your babysitter.

Okay, you're right.

I do think she's too young for you,
because she is too young for you.

And a lot of women would
get a little bit offended

seeing this guy your age
dating someone so much younger.

Well, what I would say to those women

is that I don't have
a choice who I meet.

- I'm a bartender. I meet young people.
- What?

Oh, you know who else meets
young people? College professors.

Boy Scout troop leaders. Priests.

- I take extreme umbrage at that comment.
- It's a great group.

- I take the most umbrage one can take.
- Oh.

You are being so judgmental of me.

Of course I'm judgmental,
because it's pathetic.

We have a very beautiful,
deep, meaningful connection.

Okay, that... You know what?

No matter what you say, Will,
you're too old for her. Okay?

You know, anything that doesn't
conform to your . kids,

white picket fence lifestyle really...

r-really gets under
your skin, doesn't it?

How dare you lecture
me when you haven't even

said congratulations on my new job.

Not one. Not one single question.

You know what a big deal it
is for me to go back to work.

I'm dealing with my own sh*t. I don't
give a f*ck about that right now.

Yeah, you've made it really
clear, Will. I get it.

You really got in my head about this.

Now all I can think of
is what's wrong with her.

All I want is for you to end
up happy, you f*cking idiot!

Well, I am f*cking happy.
So, congratulations.

I've never been f*cking
happier in my life!

[GROANS]

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

[GROANING]

- [SYLVIA] Whoa.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SYLVIA] Oh, no. Oh.

Send me the invoice.

Dad's gonna be pissed.

How long have you been there?

[BUZZES]

[DOOR BUZZES]

- Can I help you?
- Is Peyton here?

Hey, Peyton. There's
some guy here to see you.

Hey. Oh, my God. What
happened to your face?

I, uh, walked into a glass door.

I'm fine. Look, I'm going to throw you

the most epic birthday party ever.

I'm gonna shut down
Lucky Penny. Open bar.

Invite all your friends.
[STAMMERS] We'll blow it out, okay?

Are you sure? I don't wanna
force you to do something

- you're not ready to do.
- I'm ready. I'm ready to do this, okay? I love you.

[INHALES SHARPLY]
I didn't mean to say that.

- It's fine.
- That was a mistake.

Mmm, I didn't mean to say that.

That w... That slipped
out. I'm, uh... I...

- I... I care about you deeply, but I... I...
- It's fine.

I was married. We say
"I love you" a lot.

- I'm used to tossing it around.
- Yeah. I get it.

- We can just pretend that didn't happen.
- Fantastic! Maybe one day, yeah. Great.

- Okay, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

- Best birthday present ever.
- It's gonna be so fun. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

- Uh...
- Yeah?

- [WHISPERING] Question.
- Yeah.

This man on your couch, who is he?

That's Alan. He's our new roommate.

Alan is in his mid-to-late- s?

Alan's .

No, no, no, no, no.

- What?
- Alan is not . That's not true.

Alan is a senior citizen.

Did somebody say "party"?

Hey, well, if you want
some help tomorrow, um,

pulling images, making a
mood board, kinda my thing.

Yeah.

So, I wanted to talk
you guys about something

that's going to be a
big change around here.

Are you and Dad getting divorced?

What? No. I'm going back to work.

- Cool. Latesies. [SIGHS]
- No. Please sit down. Thank you.

As I said, I'm going back to work.

- As what?
- As a lawyer.

You're a lawyer?
I thought Dad was a lawyer.

Yes, Dad is a lawyer,
and I used to be a lawyer.

Told you this many times.

So, you're going to work for Dad.

No, I'm going to work at my own job.

It's important to me for you
guys to see that women also work

and contribute to their
communities and their families

just like men do. So, it'll
be a transition for all of us,

but, uh, we'll get through it.

Any questions?

- We're out of Oreos.
- What?

You said to write down when
we need things, and I did.

- Okay.
- But we're still out of Oreos.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God. Is that from Peyton?

No, it's from Will.

But it's about Peyton's birthday
party. Please, can we go?

No, honey, it's at a bar.

Oh, my God. I loved her. She was
the best babysitter we've ever had.

She looks exactly like
Billie Eilish. [CHUCKLES]

"YOLO" means "you only live once."

Uh, yes. I'm aware.

- Oreos.
- Got it.

What the f*ck is going on? It's
Saturday and you closed the bar?

Will didn't tell you? He
decided to shut down the bar

on the most profitable night of
the week to throw a birthday party

for his new girlfriend, Bedazzled Pants.

Anything we lose tonight,
William, it's on you, bro.

- This is the whole point in owning a bar.
- No, it's not.

- Point of owning a bar is to make money.
- Thank you.

Hey. Wow. I didn't think you'd come.

Yeah. Well, I mean, as they
say, "You only turn once."

- Very true. If you're lucky. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

- Uh, well, I'm glad you came.
- I like Peyton.

- How's your door?
- How's your face?

I'm wearing a lot of makeup. A
lot of cover-up. Can you tell?

- The blending is impeccable.
- Pretty good, yeah.

- Peyton helped me.
- She's got skills.

- Sylvia!
- Hey! Ah. Happy birthday.

- [PEYTON] Thanks for coming.
- Of course. YOLO!

- Yes, YOLO. That's what we say.
- YOLO!

YOLO!

- It's so good to see you.
- Yo, this party is lit.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- This is my roommate Alan, Sylvia.
- Oh. Yeah. Good. Nice to meet you.

Oh, Peyton, let's get a picture.

- Sorry. Gotta go.
- Yeah.

Alan, we were just talking. Do you
remember where you were on / ?

Ah, I'll never forget.

I was in my third-grade classroom,
because I was eight. Excuse me.

Guy says he's .

- Come on.
- If he's , call Make-A-Wish.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, everyone. I'm Riley.

I've known Peyton since...

- Riley's great.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Riley works at Baskin-Robbins

if you want a free
milkshake or something.

YOLO!

[PEYTON'S FRIENDS CHEER] YOLO! Whoo!

YOLO is empowering.

Here's our favorite
song from high school.

- No. Oh, my God. No.
- Too late! It's too late!

[IMITATES expl*si*n]

["STARSHIPS" PLAYING]

Did they say this is their
favorite song from high school?

- They did.
- Wow.

[MOUTHING WORDS TO "STARSHIPS"]

[PEYTON] So great.

What am I doing?

That.

- I'm a cliché.
- What?

[SONG CONTINUES]

Oh, no.

[SYLVIA] What? What's wrong?

- Oh, I gotta get out of this.
- What?

Oh, you were right. I
gotta break up with her.

I have to break up with her right now.

- Not tonight. It's her birthday.
- I have to do it tonight.

Will you help me do it tonight?

- Absolutely not.
- You have to help.

Will you say we're having
an affair? A steamy affair?

- Please? Oh, God.
- I will not say that. No.

I thought you said you had a
connection, that she was an old soul.

She's not an old soul. Look
what the f*ck she's doing.

Are you kidding me? Oh, God.
Oh, I'm gonna be alone forever.

No, you're not. You're not. At
least you haven't been together long.

Come on, man. You'll be all right.

You'll meet someone who's
more on your wavelength,

who's smart and funny,
and who's a better match.

[MOUTHING WORDS TO "STARSHIPS"]

You don't have to stay. You can go.

You kidding me? I got all dressed
up. I'm not going anywhere.

I am... Wait. That you're happy
makes me feel like... [CHUCKLES]

All right. Look. Did we get her look?

I was really happy.

[MADDIE] No! The thing she was
wearing... She looked so dumb.

No, I don't think it was... I'm dumb.

I mean, I think that she looked good.

- I did not invite her. Did you invite her?
- I invited everyone.

- [MADDIE] Oh, he's cute.
- [ALAN, MADDIE CHUCKLE]

That was the best birthday of my
entire life. All thanks to you.

What's up?

Maybe we should just sit
down and talk for a second.

- Uh-oh.
- [CHUCKLES] Just close the door.

[PEYTON CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] What?

I hate to be doing
this tonight, but I...

I just don't think we're, like, great
for each other, especially right now.

You know, you're so young. You have
so much of your life ahead of you.

And I'm... I'm so old, and I'm
dealing with this boring, old-guy sh*t.

You know, it's just...

[CHUCKLES] Are you breaking
up with me on my birthday?

I am. And I really...
I just think it's...

it's probably for the best, you know?

[SCOFFS]

And I just, you know... I wanna
make sure you're gonna be okay,

so, like, if you want me to
stay over or something like that,

- I'm more than...
- [SCOFFS]

Why the f*ck would I want that?

Just in case you didn't wanna
be alone or something like that.

I don't even really think
this deserves a breakup.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh.

[SIGHS]

Where are you going?

To meet my friends. It's my birthday.

I just came back here 'cause you're old.

- Let's go to Riley's, you guys.
- Oh, f*ck yes!

The boogie don't quit! [GRUNTS]

[MADDIE] I'll call an Uber.

Look, I'm-I'm... I'm really
sorry it went down like this.

Nighty night.

You shut the f*ck up, old man, okay?

- Okay, boomer.
- Don't you "boomer" me.

You are old. You're an old man!

Your generation
destroyed the environment.

You will die before me.
You have osteoporosis.

- You've shrunk since I've known you.
- Try dressing your age.

Look out for this f*cking guy.

You dress your age.

Get a top hat and a monocle and, uh,

one of those bikes with
one big wheel, m*therf*cker.

Go take your Lipitor!

Oh, you old f*ck. You f*cking old
m*therf*cker. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

[PEYTON, MADDIE, ALAN LAUGHING]

["WE ARE YOUNG" PLAYING]