05x17 - Of Course

[bunniefuu]

Ted (2030): Children, during a warm evening in March 2010, the New York police rescued a 34 year old man from the Hudson River... your Uncle Barney.

Barney is sitting on a bench, a blanket on the back.

Police: Okay, big guy, tell me all along.

Barney: It all started a week ago.

Flashback

Barney is at McLaren's.

Barney: I spent time at a local bar. Entered... a lady.

Woman: Nothing is sexier than a man wearing a nice tie.

Barney: Aside from a woman who appreciates a nice tie.

Woman: But this is merely a tie.

End flashback

Barney: It was not my best tie.

Police: Right.

Barney: So, right after that, I took her home.

Flashback

Barney is at home with the woman he met at the bar.

Woman: When I'm in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger to satisfy every single... the carnal desires of my lover.

Barney: Fortunately, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow.

Woman: Good night.

Barney: What? Wait, what? I thought your body would become a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger only to satisfy my every carnal desires.

She leaves the apartment of Barney.

End flashback

GENERIC

Don, Robin, Marshall and Lily are at McLaren's.

Robin: I really think Don and I found our rhythm to work.

Don: Thanks to this young woman to my left. This report on how rodent avoided in the subway...

Robin: The answer might surprise you. It's all rodents.

Don: I gotta go, okay? See you soon.

Marshall: Nice to meet you.

Don: I do too.

Don leaves the bar.

Marshall: This guy is awesome. It's funny, smart, beautiful. You have him to nab it before someone else.

Robin: I hope you do not talk to you.

Lily: It's been 4 months since you broke up with Barney. It's time to get back on the market.

Marshall: Yeah, Barney sees girls, it could not be happier.

Ted, Marshall and Lily's apartment and listen to Barney.

Barney: I could be more unfortunate. All night, she goes back on me. I brought her back home and she runs away? When I loose a daughter, I am polite to sleep with her before. It is good manners.

Ted: It looks like she has read this book, Of course you're alone, look at you, poor trail. What? It was this book that helps girls find a husband. It is that of Robin. I just laminated. Okay! Barney, when you were with this girl, she subtly used the word "sex"?

Flashback

Woman: I'm in the inter-gender-ing, and I have some sex-seconds before the light turns green. And then, everyone honks, and it really sex, but I can not run because a jogger slips and falls in the Sacraments of sex-horse.

Barney: Continuous. Continues.

End flashback

Ted: Did she used an excuse for physical contact?

Flashback

Woman: It's the cashmere?

Barney: Kashmir? This is the virgin merino hand-woven. The fibers of this costume are spaced less than 12 microns.

Female: 12 microns. I like the tight fibers.

Barney: Well, you're lucky, because mine are the tightest. And touched, they are more gentle.

End flashback

Barney: She did it too!

Ted: And here's the final test. Next time, invite the following evening. The book says that it is forbidden, then surely it will give you a bogus excuse, like, "I can not tomorrow night. I have already planned to clean my garage and I take a bubble bath.But why not next week? "

Barney at the bar with a woman.

Barney: You try this sh*t of course you're alone, look at you, poor trail.

Woman: It's not crap. Sure you're alone, look at you, poor trail, is a brilliant book. And it scares the guys who only want the ass.

Barney: Did you just say you got a kid!

Woman: You'd be surprised how many assholes we cross. That is why my book says to never sleep at first date.

Barney: Completely.

Woman: Or the second. Or the third.

Barney: Of course. Well...

Woman: Or the fourth.

Barney: Just tell me how!

Female: 17.

Barney: Excuse me, someone is using this stool?

He sits down and falls.

The band is at the apartment of Ted and Robin.

Ted: That is: no sex before hot date 17th.

Lily: If you're not going to take her 17th hot date, you should give up.

Barney: I will not give up, but yes. For, thanks to the book of Ted...

Ted: From Robin is Robin.

Barney: I can have two sh*ts ahead. There is a flaw in there and I will get it.

The phone rings and Robin wins.

Don: Listen... You wanna go out on Saturday night?

Robin: Saturday night?

Marshall: It invites you to come out? Say yes! Say yes!

Robin: Don... Listen, it's... it's really nice of you, and you're really great...

Marshall, with the phone in the kitchen: Yes, I'm going out with you.

Don: Robin, you okay?

Robin launches a cushion to Marshall but the spleen.

Marshall: I just have a cold. That's why for my voice. (She goes into the kitchen and tries to pick up the phone) But great for Saturday night. One can go to a restaurant grill, and you could bring a first side for my friends Marshall. I gotta go. Kisses.

Robin: But what are you doing?

Marshall: You have to do, okay? A great guy like Don, it's rare.And speaking of rare, first one side, do not forget. Thank you.

Barney: I can not believe. Friends... This is it! She wrote the book! It must be named Anita. My plan was to sleep with her but it changes everything. New plan: I'll sleep with her.

Marshall, Lily and Robin are at the bar.

Lily: That girl that Barney hunting, it seems a somewhat anti-Barney. I like the way the universe has decided to collect.

Robin: Actually, Anita Barney went to see him because I have requested.

Lily: You told to go and see Anita Barney? How you know her?

Robin: It was my show.

Flashback

Anita is interviewed by Robin.

Robin: But, uh... if you had to summarize your book in less than 30 words...

Anita: I would summarize in one, Robin. And that word is "no."By saying no constantly and consistently, it gives a power, simultaneously transforming any fool in human wreck, subject, and whining.

Robin: Is not this the dream of all women? After the break, we'll talk about your new book, Of course you have not yet retirement plan, look at you, poor trail, scheduled for June We come back after the break.

Mike: It's good. You want a coffee?

Robin: Absolutely, Mike, great idea.

Mike: You?

Anita: No. And you, Robin? You go out with someone?

Robin: I have not really want right now.

Anita: You were broken heart?

End flashback

Robin: And then I told him everything. It came out at once. And in the end, she said...

Flashback

Anita: That Barney needs a lesson. Give me the order, and I will destroy it.

Robin: That's to say?

Anita: I will use the power of "no" to destroy your friend Barney.Say it.

Robin: Come on, it does not really work, though?

Mike: I knew not what you wanted when I caught you a cappuccino, espresso, latte, decaf... and a Turkish coffee.

Anita: Thank you, Mike. Think about it.

Robin: I never thought that I would think, but... I thought about it.

The band is at the bar.

Barney: This Pilates teacher broke all scores. Imagine Robin, but younger. And bigger breasts. Not bigger, but more shapely.And larger. (Robin phone) I put on the StairMaster and...

Robin: It does.

Barney: Spoilers. Regardless, we did.

Anita: It's done. (Mike brings a drink to Anita) Thank you, Mike.

End flashback

Robin: I know it was stupid, but, see, at that time, I was still depressed over the break. I was in my phase of mourning. It means a lot of tape and long nights at the sh**ting range.

Lily: I hope this was not the same nights.

Robin: Serious, Lily. I do not remember everything.

Marshall and Lily are in bed.

Marshall: You knew that Robin was in mourning? It looked good after the break.

Lily: You know her. She keeps her emotions for her. But yes, I saw her crying sometimes.

Marshall: She cried? Real tears? It means...

Ted (2030): Marshall understood what he had been con with Robin.

Flashback

Marshall: Yeah, Barney sees girls, it could not be happier. You see, this guy has been very active. Sexually. Finally, it is like that... bang... bang... bang... You see? It's like... bang... bang...

End flashback

Marshall: How could you let me do? You're my wife. You must avoid that I ridiculed in public.

Lily: I know, but the song is rather catchy.

They start to sing.

Ted and Barney are at McLaren's.

Barney: sh*t. I read this entire book and I find no fault. What will I do?

Ted: There is another option... but you're not ready.

Barney: Tell me.

Ted: If you must conclude in one hot date, a date that must be crazy. I do not speak of a restaurant-cine. Or mini golf. I speak of... 17 romantic rendezvous grouped into one incredible night. I mean... a super hot date.

Barney: A great date? It's not very catchy. And if I say a mega date?

Ted: If you want my help, it's a super hot date.

Barney: Okay.

Ted: Let me do it. I will plan everything.

Barney: You're going to plan everything? This is cutesy and romantic?

Ted: Cutesy and romantic? (He starts singing) No need to take him to Paris or Peru...

Barney: What are you doing?

Ted singing: You just gotta make him understand...

Barney: They look at us.

Ted: How important it is for you...

Barney: Really? You really gonna do that?

Ted, still singing: In your super hot date, Global problems will simply be put aside, for wonders and surprises that will be the stars. Hurry, do not be late because together, you will find a country where paradise is rebukes. And then, boom! Fireworks in the sky over Manhattan! You kiss him. And your super hot date.

Barney: It looks to me like cutesy and romantic. Box strip?

Ted: Box strip.

Ted (2030): Finally, the night of the great rencards arrived.

Robin Marshall joined the bar.

Marshall: Tonight is the big night. Where do you take D-Bag?This is a bad nickname for Don. I will look better.

Robin: I just... I canceled.

Robin hand to the bathroom.

Marshall: How does it... Wait.

Ted and Lily sit at the table.

Lily: A problem?

Marshall: Robin canceled his hot date.

Ted: What? She was super excited there is one hour.

Flashback

Robin leaves his room in a red dress.

Ted: You look like the classiest and most expensive of all prostitutes.

Robin: Thank you.

Ted: You're excited to go out with Don?

Robin: You know what? Looks good. Do not tell Marshall.

Ted: I will say nothing. I bet you will spend a good evening. And not, however, a great night. A great night will be spent by Barney during his date with Anita. A carriage ride, dinner at "Tombeur panties." They call it a super hot date.

End flashback

Marshall: Ted! How could you do that?! Robin has just released his period of mourning!

Ted: She seemed happy after the break.

Marshall: You see nothing. Typical of a guy. She was obviously devastated.

Ted: Wait, but that would mean...

Ted (2030): And I understood what I had been con with Robin.

Flashback

Ted arrives at the bar while Marshall sings and dances.

Ted: You sing what?

Marshall: A song about the number of girls that Barney has typed recently.

Ted: I'll sing a verse.

Marshall: Super.

End flashback

Ted: Where is she?

Marshall: I think it is the toilet.

Robin cries when Marshall, Lily and Ted enters the toilet.

Robin: I'm fine, I'm fine.

Barney and whistles will open the door of his apartment.Marshall followed between Ted and Lily, and he will give a punch in the robot's head of Barney.

Barney: Why did you do that?

Marshall: Because I am angry against you. And against me. Ted and cons. And frankly, I still am against the Empire.

Barney: Why are you angry against me?

Ted: You were a real assh*le to Robin when she was in her period of mourning.

Barney: The period of mourning? She has not had a period of mourning.

Ted: You see nothing.

Marshall: Typical of a guy.

Lily: Barney, sit down, there are two three things to tell you.

Barney: What, she is upset?

Lily: Of course she is upset. Look at you, poor trail.

Ted (2030): Then Aunt Lily told Barney all the little details of what he had not seen since the break.

Flashback

Barney: You should have seen.

Robin: I'm going.

Barney: We go back home...

Robin left the apartment and crying in the hallway. We see Barney on television with a sign and Robin goes into the kitchen crying. At the bar, the boys sing and dance on the number of Barney's conquests.

End flashback

Barney throws his hat into the robot.

Barney: I can not believe that Robin is upset.

Marshall: And hast me you vomit in your Stormtrooper helmet.

Barney: I did worse after the premiere of "The Phantom Menace."It's been like that since we broke up?

Lily: Well, it was much better before you decide to go to your stupid super hot date with Anita. And now she broods, God knows where.

Barney: I know where.

Robin is at the sh**ting range. Barney arrives.

Robin: Barney, what's up? I thought you had a super hot date.

Barney: I know you're upset.

Robin: What? No. I've never been happier. Anita and this seems great. I'm so glad... by the merest chance, you found yourself. It warms my f*cking heart.

She pulls without the headphones on, then ends up throwing his g*n because there is more balls.

Barney: You sure you're not upset?

Robin: Of course I do. Do not you see how to talk continually of your conquests makes me feel like another number for you?

Barney: You're not another number for me.

Robin: And now you to take Anita you barely know, this extraordinary hot date, then you do not ever offered me that. It's just that... It sucks, that's all. It sucks.

Barney: I knew I was a bad boyfriend, but I had no idea that I was worse in the former boyfriend. I'm sorry. How can I be forgiven?

Robin: Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important to you.

Barney: Stop saying that, I'm serious. Ask me what you want.

Robin: Do not sleep with Anita.

Barney: I promise.

Robin: Of course you'll sleep with her. Why is this super hot date if not?

Barney: It will not go super hot date. It is you who will go.

Ted (2030): Your uncle Barney gave Robin finally the super hot date she deserved. With a guy she deserved. Of course, there was a detail to be resolved.

Anita Barney comes to see who is at the bar with Ted, Marshall and Lily.

Barney: I wanted to call you.

Anita: I violate any rules in my coming here, but... no one asks me rabbit like that, so we go out or not?

Barney: I'm sorry, I... I made a promise to a friend. I must say no.

Anita: I see. You try the trick of "no." You really think it'll work?Because it will not work. Okay, I'll make a deal. Maybe... you might get lucky after the 12th hot date.

Barney: No.

Anita: The 11th?

Barney: No.

Anita: The fifth?

Barney: No.

Anita: Tonight?

Barney: No.

Anita: This evening before dinner?

Barney: No.

Anita, Ted: And you? You're interested.

Ted: Yeah.

Anita: Go.

Barney: I'm sorry. The answer is no.

Anita: Well. Because my answer is no, too. This is my last offer.

She slides in the hollow of the ear. He gets up and leaves. He descends the stairs and jump over a fence and landed in the water.

Barney: Here is my story.

Police: This is a $ 500 fine for having jumped into the river. I hope it was worth it.

A fireworks bursting in the sky while Barney is on the bench wrapped in a blanket.

Barney: I hope so too.

Don and Robin approach and embrace.

The band is at the apartment.

Ted: This is an old story of married women.

Marshall: How was this date?

Robin: Good enough. Pretty... pretty good.

Ted: How so?

Robin: Come on, guys. It was good. It was nice. We spent a pleasant evening. Let... Let him that. Even if...

She began singing followed by Marshall, Lily and Ted when Barney sits on the couch and watch Robin.

END