03x11 - The Platinum Rule

[bunniefuu]

[September 2007 - The appartment]

Lily and Marshall (laughing): Oh my god!

Ted (gets out of his bedroom): I have a tattoo!

Barney: oh, that's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp!

Ted: a tramp stamp?!

[Title: present day -in a tatto remote clinic]

Narrator: kids, too often in life, we make decisions that we're not prepared to live with. (a man with a tattoo "rex&evelyn forever" cries) This is a story about those decisions, and the consequences that follow. (Ted is in the clinic, hidden derriere a newspaper)

[the appartment - Ted/Marshall/Barney]

Ted: Say goodbye, kids, 'cause it won't be around much longer. (He shows his tattoo)

Lily: oh, but Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly, how's everyone gonna know you're a stripper fron reno with daddy issues?

Ted: yes, yes, enjoy these final moments of mockery because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions, Stella is gonna zap that butterfly right off the face of my lower back.

Lily: Stella?

Ted: Dr Stella Zinman. She's the best in the business. And she's rather cute in fact. In fact... we're going to a movie together tonight.

Barney: what?

Ted: I asked her out.

All: Ted, why would you do that?

Barney: what's matter with you?

Ted: What? What do you mean?

Barney: Dude... don't poop where you eat.

Ted: oh, no, this doesn't count.

Marshall: If it's someone you see on a regular basis, and you can't avoid them...

Lily: and in this case, you're paying them... then yes, it counts.

Barney: You've heard of the golden rule, right? "love their neighbor?"

Ted: uh, actually, it's "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It's from the bible.

Barney: Damn it Ted, i've worked out this whole thing where the golden rule is "love thy neighbor", ok?... Now the golden rule is "love thy neigbor". But, there's one rule above it: the platinum rule: "never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor."

Ted: Well, that's cute. But she's not my neighbor, she's my doctor. So if you'll excuse me...

Robin: Wait, Ted, Barney has a point. Remember what happened with me and curt down at the station?

Marshall: Oh, yeah, and remember what happened with us and the gerards across the hall?

Barney: Need i remind you about me and Wendy the waitress?

Ted (combs his hair): yeah, i don't have time for this. I'm out the door as soon as i'm finished with my hair.

Barney: good, then we've got a solid half hour. And in that time, we will convince you not to set foot out that door. It's a story older than time, my friend, and it always plays out in the same eight steps. Step 1: Attraction.

[TITLE: ATTRACTION - November 2005- The bar- Barney/Robin/Lily/Marshall/Ted/Wendy the waitress]

Barney: It's true.

Marshall: That's not even possible.

Barney: 12 of them.

Marshall: There's no way.

Wendy: Here's your gin and tonic.

Barney: Thanks.

wendy: O gosh! Look at that. (She leaves scrubing a stain in her shirt, Barney starves at her with interest)

[December 2006 -The hall- Lily/Marshall - They gets out of their apartment]

A man: Oh, hey! You must be our new neighbors. I'm Michael.

A women: and i'm laura.

Marshall: Oh, hi, welcome to the building. Yeah.

Laura: Do you guys know any good brunch places around here?

Lily: We love brunch!

[October 2007 - set of Metro news 1 -Robin/a host]

The host: You must be Robin.

Robin: yeah!

The host: Curt "the iron man" irons. I'm gonna be doing sports.

Robin: Oh, welcome. You look really familiar. Are you a former athlete?

Curt: Hockey.

Barney (off voice): The attraction is instant and undeniable.

[Present- The apartment]

Barney: But you know better. You've seen your friends make the same mistakes before. You've laughed smugly at them.(laughs) Idiots! But still, you think, "this is different. The platinum rule doesn't apply to me." And that step 2! Bargaining.

[TITLE: BARGAINING- 2007- The bar- All]

Robin: I think i've got a little crush on our sports guy.

All: NO! no, no, don't do it!

Robin: I know, i know but he used to play hockey, and i'm canadian. I can't help it. If he were missing some teeth, i probably would have already hit that.

Lily: Robin, it's a mistake. Remember what happened with me and Marshall? The Gerards across the hall?

[2006- The bar- All]

Lily: Michael and LAura. They're awesome. We're gonna invite them over for dinner.

The others: Oh no, no guys guys! Are you insane?

Ted: This is NYC.You don't get close to the neighbors. You nod at them politely in the hall. You call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny, and that is it.

Lily: we're not gonna date them. We're just gonna be friends with them.

Barney: That's the couples version of dating.

Robin: And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. Oh, yeah, you want to browse at pottery barn with them. You want to go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you want to antique the crap out of them.

Barney: Need i remind you what happened with me and Wendy the waitress?

[2005- The bar- All]

Barney: I've decided to seduce Wendy the waitress.

The others: No! Don't do it!

Barney: Request denied! What rule is there that say's i can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar?

Lily: I don't know. I'd expect you to have one already.

Robin: Yeah, with some sort of catchy name.

Barney: Well, i don't. I don't have one and i never will be because it's a great idea. Come on, guys! She's gullible. I'm bored. We're perfect for each other.

Ted: Barney, we love this bar. If you screxw over Wendy the waitress, you're going to k*ll the bar.

Robin: Bar k*ller.

Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar, dude.

Barney: yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.

[2006- The bar- All]

Barney (to Marshall and Lily): And it was a huge mistake.

Marshall: yeah, well, i think it'll be okay.

[2007- The bar]

Lily (to Robin): And it was a huge mistake.

Robin: yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.

[Present day- The apartment]

Robin: And it was a huge mistake.

Ted: yeah, well... I think it'll be okay.

[How i met your mother - Credits]

Barney: Ted, trust me. You don't want to do this.

Ted: Look, Stella and i are adults; we're both smart, mature people capable of making good decisions.

Robin: You have a butterfly tramp stamp.

Ted: We're just seeing a movie. If it seems at all weird, i'll back off.

Barney: That's what everyone thinks and then along comes step 3: Submission.

[TITLE: SUBMISSION- Closing of the bar- Barney/Wendy the waitress]

Barney: Good night!

Wendy: Hey Barney! Carl had to take off. You mind giving me a hand?

Barney: Not at all.

[Set of metro news 1- Robin/Curt]

Curt: Robin! I got 2 tickets to the rangers. Center ice. Want to go?

[The hall of the appartment- Marshall/Lily/Laura&Michael]

Laura: and then we discover the movers lost all our kitchen boxes. We don't have a single pot or pan.

Michael: Guess we're ordering take-out.

Lily: Want to have dinner with us tonight?

[Barney kisses Wendy/ Robin and Curt are in the hockey match/ Lily&Marshall cook with Laura&Michael/ Barney and wendy have sex on the bar/ The 2 couples play mime/ Robin kisses Curt]

[Barney and Wendy, just after they had sex]

Wendy: That was an intersting use of the beverage g*n.

Barney: Club soda can get anything off.

Wendy: It finally happened, all this time, every drink i brought you... I always felt there was this unspoken connection between us. And i was right!

Barney: hey, can i get a gin and tonic?

[Present day- the apartment]

Ted: See, i bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic.

Barney: oh, i paid for it.

Ted: But you got to admit, there is an upside to breaking the platinum rule. Like maybe as her boyfrien, i could get a discount on treatments.

Barney: Oh, Ted, of course there's an upside. At first, that's step 4: Perks.

[TITLE: PERKS- 2007 The bar]

Robin: we can split a cab to work together. We always have a standing lunch date. And last night, at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room, and i met Mason Raymond. Left wing for the Vancouver canucks.

Barney: What the opposite of name-dropping?

Robin: Damn it you guys, be psyched. Yes, we see each other every day, but i think it's going really well.

Lily: That's what we thought.

[2006 - The bar]

Lily: And it's so conveniant. They're right across the hall. Say it's sunday and we want to have a brunch double date with someone.

Marshall: We just go across the hall.

Lily: And say we want to have a dinner party exploring the wine and cuisine of France's Loire Valley.

Marshall: We just go across the hall.

Lily: Say we want to play a game of charades...

(Marshall mimes something)

Barney (guessing): you just go across the hall? (Marshall agreed)

Lily: Come on people, get excited for us! We've got a great thing going here.

Barney: That's what i thought.

[2005 - The bar]

Marshall: Dude, you got to flick it.

Barney: you don't have... (Wendy the waitress comes and serves food to Barney)

Wendy: Hi, sweetie. I had the kitchen whip these up, no charge. (They kiss) Okay. Bye. I mean, not bye. I'm not leaving. I'll be over there. okay. (She leaves)

Barney: Come on, guys, free nachos. What?

Ted: We like this bar.

Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar, dude.

Ted: Barney, we love this bar.

Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar, dude.

Ted: This bar is like home to us.

Marshall(at the same time): Don't k*ll the bar.

Lily: You're k*lling the bar.

Barney: I'm not k*lling the bar. Wendy the waitress has seen how i operate in this place. It is perfectly clear to everyone involved that this is nothing more than a temporary fling. (Wendy starves him, lovely) It's fiiine.

[2006 - The bar]

Barney (to Lily and Marshall): But it wasn't.

Marshall: It's fine.

[2007 -The bar]

Lily (to Robin): But it wasn't.

Robin: It's fine.

[Present day -the appartment]

Robin: But it wasn't.

Barney: Which brings us to step 5: THE TIPPING POINT.

[TITLE: THE TIPPING POINT- set of metro news 1- Curt/Robin]

Curt:...but he should be back on the mound by spring training and that's sport. Back to you, Robin.

Robin: Thanks iron man we'll be right back.

Productor: and clear.

Robin: So you want to do something later?

Curt: Oh, so you're talking to me now?

Robin: What are you talking about?

Curt: I'm talking about last night. You said you'd call and you didn't. I missed you and i waited up, but you didn't call. That really hurts.

Robin: oh, um, i'm sorry, i-i guess i just forgot.

Curt: I'm sorry Sweetie. I don't want to fight tonight. It's our first weekiversary. (he hugs her)

[2005- The bar- Barney/Ted/Marshall]

Marshall: on my suggestion, you... (Barney looks at a girl)

Barney: hey, Wendy, uh, do me a favor and send a glass of champagne to that pretty young girl over there.

Wendy: What? (Ted and Marshall starve Barney, anxious)

Barney: over there... YOU... you're the pretty young thing...is what i meant. Champagne? Would you? on me.

Wendy: Oh, okay, thanks sweetie. (She kisses him)

Barney: okay. All right.

[2006- The apartment- Lily/Marshall- They want to go out, lily opens the door]

Michael: hey, neighbors.

Laura: We bought all the fixings for a mexican fiesta.

Lily: um, well, we actually have tickets...

Michael: and no fiesta would be complete without

Marshall: Dude, actually, we made other plans, so... okay (Michael mimes) one word. 2 syllables. Sounds like... parades: charades.

Michael: charades!

Laura: What do you say?

[3 plans on the same time: Curts hugs Robin on the set/ Lily&Marshall sit down the couch, looking the couple mime/ Barney and Wendy at the bar]

All: Oh no!

[Present day- The apartment]

Barney: which brings to step 6.

Ted: Yeah, listen i'm leaving so if you want to write the rest of these down, i will read it tomorrow.

(Ted wants to go out, Barney stops him)

Barney: Don't do this Ted.

Ted: You want to get out of the way?

Ted: Don't do this Ted. Don't (He brushes his hair in a mess)

Ted: Dude! ya! It was perfect! You're such a jerk!

Barney: Which brings us to step 6. You finally realize you've made a huge mistake and now you have to live with it. Step 6 is called purg... wait for it. Keep waiting. Keep waiting for the eternity only to dicover there's no escap-atory.

[TITLE: PURGATORY - 2007 - The bar- All]

Robin: God, i'm such an idiot.

Marshall: yeah.

Robin: Curt "the iron man" irons keeps leaving me love notes on post-its. On the teleprompter, on my desk, on the coffee-maker, on the jar of sugar packets next to the coffee-maker.

Lily (reads a post-it): "here's some sugar for my sugar."

Robin: The iron man. oh!

Marshall: I remember that.

[2006- The bar- All]

Marshall: Ro! we are such idiots!

Barney: Yeah!

Lily: Every time we step out the door, they're out there waiting for us. Sometimes, we'll send Ted out first as a scout. Nobody's there. Then we'll go out one second later, and there they are.

Marshall: It's freakin' supernatural. Are they ghosts? Can only we see them?

Lily: "Hey neighbor!" "Hey, neighbor""Hey neighbor."

Barney: I remember that.

[2005 -The bar- All]

Barney: How could you guys let me date Wendy the waitress?

All: oh you are kidding me?! What?!

Marshall: Don't k*ll the bar dude!

Lily (same time): We said "don't do it!"

Barney: tss (He looks at a girl but Wendy is right behind, she smiles, he looks desperate)

My own bar. I can't hit on women in my own bar. Remember the old Barney? He was a lion, the king of the jungle, stalking whatever prey he chose, going in for the k*ll.

Ted: You've got a whole meat locker at home full of corpses, don't you?

Barney: Now look at me. Declawed. Neutered. What was once my jungle is now my zoo and i am forced to mate with the same old lioness again, and again, and again while families pay to watch.

Ted: yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart.

Barney: Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly kids, for i am just a docile housecat now. Miaou!

Lily: Well, we love this bar. You can't dump her. Marry her if you have to.

Robin: Wendy the waitress hyphen Stinson.

Marshall: don't k*ll the bar dude.

[Present day- The apartment]

Barney: And so, inevitably, you have to do the thing you've been dreading all along. Now, a relationship-ectomy is a delicate surgery as it is, but in the case of the platinum rule, it takes a very, very steady hand, and that's step 7: CONFRONTATION.

[TITLE: CONFRONTATION- set of metro news 1]

Robin: Curt, we need to talk. I like you...

[The hall- Lily/Marshall/the couple]

Marshall: guys, we like you a lot...

[The bar -Barney/Wendy]

Barney: I don't like you.

Robin: We're pretending this works, but it doesn't. And i'm getting a little sick of the whole charade.

Lily: We're getting a little sick of charades.

Barney: I mean, i don't like you that way. I used to like you that way but now that i've seen everything there is to see, i don't know, i kind of want to see those same parts just on other girls.

Robin: So maybe we could go back to just being coworkers.

Marshall: Maybe we should just go back to being neighbors.

Barney: other girls and you, if you're into that but the other girls have to be there, too. That's the important part.

Wendy: Gosh, you're just terrified of ever getting close to anyone, aren't you?

Barney: or that. Let's say it's that. So can i get a gin and tonic?

[Present day]

Barney: And in any other relationship, that would be it. End of story. But because you have to see this person again, there's a step 8: FALLOUT.

[TITLE: FALLOUT- set of metro news one]

Robin: And now, here's Curt "the iron man" irons with sports. Curt? (he's demoralized) Curt?

Curt: Well, the Knicks lost. It's sad, really. They had a real sh*t. Then, out of nowhere, game over. And why? Why Robin?

Robin: Uh, well, their perimeter sh**ting has been a little bit off this season...

Curt: The knicks lost because they were afraid of getting hurt. So they didn't even try. Well, you know what i think? I think the knicks didn't deserve my love to begin with. Kincks suck! (He gets out, on tears)

Robin: And that's sports.

[camera looks inside the boudha of the apartment]

Lily: Do you see anything?

Marshall: I think we're clear.

Lily: ok go go go. (They go out but the door of the Gerards opens, they gets in quickly)

Marshall: That was close.

Lily: Too close. (Someone knocks on the door) You've got to be kidding me. What do we do?

Marshall: I have no idea. (it knocks again)

Ted: guys, are you here? I forgot my keys. Can you open up?

Lily: It's just Ted!

Marshall: Wait! (He looks at the judha: Ted is alone)

Ted: Hello? Guys? (Marshall looks again and see the Gerards go out their apartment)

Marshall: Baby, we only have one choice.

Lily: Okay, hurry! (They come down to the rescue ladder) Michael and Laura are probably...

Laura: Hey, neighbors.

[The bar]

Wendy: Barney, i just want you to know, i have no hard feelings. It wasn't the best idea for us to get involved. I hope we can still be friends.

Barney: Thanks Wendy. Of course we can.

Wendy: If you need anything else, let me know.

Ted: waouh. I've got to hand it to Wendy the waitress that was very mature of her.

Barney: She's gonna try to k*ll me. This is poisoned.

Ted: What? You're being ridiculous.

Barney: Yours is poisoned too. She's trying to k*ll me and everyone close to me.

Ted: What are you talking about?

Barney: Ted! Look at the facts. I dump her and she says "no hard feelings". She's a psycho! What other explanation is there?

Ted: Uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy so you don't have to face the far more likely possibility that she doesn't want to date you either?

Barney: Where did Marshall get that hamburger?

Ted: I don't know, i guess Wendy the Waitress brought it to him.

Barney (in slow motion, comes towards Marshall): Noooooooo! (He throws his hamburger away)

Marshall: Dude.

Barney: You're welcome.

[Present day]

Robin: Wait a second. You've been sitting here, pretending to be the expert on all this, but the truth is, this was no real fallout from your breakup at all?

Barney: Yet.

Robin: You're an idiot.

Ted: All right, i'm taking off.

Barney: What?

Ted: I have a date. (Barney brushes Ted's hair in a mess)

Ted: You're such a jerk!

Barney: Ted, have you not been listening? Attraction, bargaining, submission, perks, tipping point, purgatory, confrontation, fallout! These things will all happen to you as surely as they happened to all of us! It's a rule of nature.

Ted: Well, i'm sick of all the rules! There's too many of them! The hot/crazy scale, the lemon law, the platinum rule! If everyone in the world followed every one of your rules, the human race would cease to exist. Yes chances are to Stella and I are not going to live happily ever after the overwhelming odds have it ending badly. And when that happens, it'll be for one of a million possible reasons. But that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try. And when it does fail, so help me god, it's not gonna be because of some rule. (He watches himself in th mirror) PS: you just made my hair look awesome. Good night. (He leaves)

Narrator: So Stella and i went on our date. But here's the funny thing: turns out, it wasn't actually a date.

[TITLE: 3 hours later- The apartment- All]

Marshall: So what do you mean "it wasn't a date"?

Ted: She thought we were seeing a movie just as friends.

Marshall: Why would she think that?

Robin: Did she see your tattoo and assume you were gay?

Ted: Apparently, there's a rule that says i can't date Stella.

Barney: Exactly, the platinum rule. Stella reads my blog.

Ted: No, this rule comes from the american medical association. Doctors aren't legally allowed to date their patients.

Lily: Oh, sorry Ted.

Ted: It's okay. What are you guys watching?

Narrator: So that was the end of the story between me and Stella, at least for the time being. But i don't know, looking back on the platinum rule, i think there's a ninth step. We'll call it coexistence. It's the moment you realize that all that anger and resentment just isn't useful.

[Set metro news one]

Robin: Thanks for watching.

Curt: Good night.

Narrator: and you start to let go of it.

[The hall]

Marshall&Lily (to Michael&Laura): Hey guys!

Lily: So what do you guys have going on tonight?

Laura: We're going to have a few friends over.

Michael: gonna play some charades.

Marshall: Have fun.

Narrator: And move on with your life.

[The bar- All]

Narrator: It just takes a while.

(Wendy comes to the table and offers a drink to Barney): On the house.

Barney: Thanks. (She leaves and he throws the drink) Crazy!

END.