06x04 - Subway Wars

[bunniefuu]

The bar

Barney: I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.

Ted: Face. Huh. That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.

Barney: No, Ted, I'm really looking at her face.

Lily: Aw... That's actually really sweet.

Barney: Puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose... That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless. Anyone have a condom?

Everyone: Oh! Oh, God! No, no, no!

Lily: That's it! You know what? Five-minute time-out! Corner booth! Now.

Marsall: Hey, get this. You know my friend Max from law school? He's at Gregor's Steakhouse downtown, and Woody Allen is sitting two tables over. He wants us to come check it out.

Robin: I don't know, it could be cool. I've never seen Woody Allen.

Marsall: What?! Robin, how can you be a New Yorker and never have seen Woody Allen?

Robin: I have seen plenty of other famous people. Last week I saw... Maury Povich.

Ted from 2030: Kids, you know talk show host Maury Povich. It was uncanny how often we saw this guy.

Lily: Dude, everyone sees Maury Povich.

Marsall: Maury Povich is everywhere. I'm sorry, Robin, but you're not a real New Yorker until you've seen Woody Allen.

Robin: I am, too, a real New Yorker.

Ted: That's adorable. You're from Canada.

Robin: I have been here for almost six years. It's not like I just got off a boat.

Lily: A boat! Oh, wait, that is how you say it.

Ted: I'd say you're not a real New Yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do.

Lily: No, you're not a real New Yorker till you've cried on the subway and not given a damn what anyone thinks.

Marshall: No, you're not a real New Yorker until you've k*lled a cockroach with your bare hands.

Robin: Those rules are all stupid, okay? I've never done any of those things.

Ted from 2030: By the end of this day, Robin would have done all of those things.

Barney: Okay, time's up. What are we talking about?

Marshall: Woody Allen is eating at Gregor's, and Robin thinks that we should go see him.

Barney: Why would I do that? I'll see him at poker on Tuesday.

Robin: Oh, come on, if we jump in a cab, we'll be there in 15 minutes.

Lily: A real New Yorker would know the subway's faster. You just take the one, and transfer to the two-three.

Ted: Well, the bus runs more often on weekends. Take the M-7 to the M-5.

Barney: The bus? Every time I take the bus, there is one crazy person no one wants to sit near. That's why I have never taken the bus. Plus... I can run faster than a bus.

Ted: Dude, that's, like, seven miles. You can't do that. You can't b*at the bus!

Marshall: I can b*at a bus or a cab or a train!

Robin: Is anyone else suddenly craving green eggs and ham?

Marshall: Machines are overrated, and someone needs to take them down a peg.

Barney: You're all wrong... I got a way to get there so fast, I could b*at all of you, even if I sat down and ordered a big, juicy steak first.

Marshall: How?

Barney: Medium rare. But that's not important right now. Look, I know the city better than any of you guys, okay?

Lily: Oh, my God!

Barney: Oh, wow!

Ted: All right, all right, hold on, hold on! Let's just forget about it. Who cares? I mean, there's no way to find out who's right anyway. First person there wins! (Everyone stand up et run outside)Doesn't matter how you get there!

Barney: (to the sad girl at the bar) Stay sad! I'll be back!

[OPENING CREDITS]

Barney: Hi. Can I see a menu, please? No rush.

Ted from 2030: Kids, I should tell you, Lily really needed a win that day.

[FLASHBACK]

(2 months earlier)

Ted from 2030: When Marshall and Lily decided to have a baby, they assumed it would happen right away.

Marshall: It's gonna be positive. Eriksen man are hella fertile. When Uncle Morris was 16, he got his girlfriend pregnant just by holding her hand too tight in the backseat of a car. Now I'm thinking my parents lied to me.

Lily: Negative.

Ted from 2030: As the weeks went by, Marshall's confidence never wavered. Then it started to mess with Lily's head.

Marshall: Negative? Well, we know it's not me.

Lily: Everything's fine. These things take time.

Marshall: Not with an Eriksen. Something must be wrong with you. Also, my mom hates you.

Lily: You know what? Just to make sure, I'm gonna pee on this again.

Marshall: What? No, you wouldn't. Somebody help me! Somebody help me!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted from 2030: Lily was so fed up with not getting anywhere, maybe winning this race was just what she needed.

Lily jumps into the subway train

Man: Idiot!

Marshall is running in the street

Marshall: I'll show them. My body can outrun any motorized vehicle. I'm like John Henry when he b*at the steam engine. All I need is a great folk song.

Folk singer: *Gather round, ye children to hear the tale so sweet of a man who dared to race machines with nothing but his feet*

Marshall: Suck it, grand-butt!

Folk singer: * Marshall versus the machines *

Robin calls a taxi

Robin: Ooh, taxi!

Man: Excuse me, I got a thing.

Lily is in the subway train

Speaker: Maury... Maury...

Lily: Track maintenance? 20-minute delay?

Man: How do you do that?

Lily: I grew up here, I speak conductor. Damn it! (she gets off the train) Damn it!

Ted is in the bus

Ted from 2030: Kids, I also needed a win that day. A couple nights earlier, your Uncle Marshall had offhandedly mentioned a web site called...

[FLASHBACK]

(The bar)

Ted from 2030: A couple nights earlier, your Uncle Marshall had offhandedly mentioned a web site called...

Ted: Grademyteacher.net?

Marshall: It's this awesome site where students can go say what they really think about their professors. Hey, you're probably on there.

Ted from 2030: I just had to see what my students had written about me. And it was... Majestic. Until...

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Ted from 2030: Now, kids, I knew I was a good Professor. That's why I didn't let it bother me. I had nothing to prove. Absolutely nothing.

Ted: Here's a fun fact. See the Alberta Building over there?

Man: Oh. The brown one or the gray one?

Ted: That's the gray one. Did you know that in 18...

(the man falls asleep)

Barney is at the restaurant

Barney: Hey! Come on! Elizabeth!

(Barney falls down)

Waiter: Somebody call an ambulance!

Robin is trying to get the cab from a woman

Robin: Excuse me, I've got a thing.

Woman: Hey! That's my cab!

Robin: Gregor's Steakhouse, downtown.

Woman: (jumping onto the cab)This is my cab...!

Barney is in the ambulance

Barney: Downtown hospital, please. It's right by Gregor's Steakhouse. Take the FDR, and maybe crank up some smooth jazz.

Medic: Uh, we're required by law to take you to the nearest hospital, which is St. Luke's-Roosevelt. Uptown.

Barney: Oh, no. (He makes a phone call) It's Barney. Help me.

Ted from 2030: Robin also needed a win that day.

[FLASHBACK]

Ted from 2030: It had been a rough year for Robin. First her boyfriend and former cohost, Don, left her for another job. Then Robin met her new cohost, Becky.

Becky: Hi! I'm Becky!

Robin: Hi.

Becky: I am so excited to be your coanchor! Yay!

Robin: Hi, Becky. My, you're perky.

Becky: Don't worry, I am not here to step on your toesies.

Robin: Oh...

Becky: You're still the star. I made chocolate chip cookies for everybody! Yay!

Ted from 2030: And just like that, Becky started to eclipse Robin. I mean, literally eclipse her.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

The taxi driver pulls the breaks et the woman falls down.

Woman: This is my cab! Aah!

Robin: Keep it.

(She steps out the taxi, Marshall is behind her, still running)

Barney steps inside a car

Ranjit: Hello.

Barney: Ranjit, take me to Gregor's.

Ranjit: Taking you to Gregor's.

Marshall slows down

Folk singer: * As Marshall ran with all his might and passed his friend Christine *

Marshall: Hey, Christine.

Folk singer: * He thought of all the times that he had beaten the machine. He triumphed over "Pitfall" He vanquished the alarm. He brought the jukebox back to life with his Fonzarelli arm Marshall versus the machines. *

In the bus, a woman sits down next to Ted

Woman: Last seat. Thank God. I just had the worst cab ride of my life.

Ted: Well, you're in luck. See that gothic church over there? Those corinthian columns were designed by Giuseppe Pegatto in 1896. (the woman stands up to find another place)

In Ranjit's car

Barney: Hey, Ranjit, pull over.

Ranjit: Pulling over.

Barney: Hey, toots! How about a ride? Oh. Hey, Robin, it's you.

Folk singer: * Hyah! Move along. Hyah! Move along. Hyah! *

Ted is standing next to the bus driver

Ted: See that over there? That's the old Arcadian Hotel. Fun fact... While today its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be... (the driver suddenly pulls the breaks)

Robin: So, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning?

Barney: I'm sorry. I never apologize. And why would I?

Robin: Are you kidding me?

[FLASHBACK]

Robin: Hey, Barney, can I talk to you?

Barney: Sure. Stand a little more this way. I'm scouting some talent. Pretend we're talking about something important.

Robin: Oh, well, this... This is something important. Um, I'm having a... A really rough time at work. You know, the whole Becky thing...

Barney: Oh, you know what? That's just getting distracting. Um, say "carrots and peas". Carrots and peas. Guys, I can't stop staring at that girl's face.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Barney: What, you really had something to talk about?

Robin: Yes. Look, I've spent the last,six years in this city, focusing on my career, all for nothing. Some lady almost got me k*lled. Maury Povich stole my cab. I swear, this city is starting to reject me like a bad organ transplant. You know, everyone keeps saying that I'm not a real New Yorker. Well, maybe I should just stop trying.

Barney: Robin, I had no idea.

Robin: No, it's my fault for thinking that you might care. Ranjit, stop the car.

Ranjit: Stopping the car.

Barney: No, don't stop the car.

Ranjit: Not stopping the car.

Robin: Seriously, stop the car.

Ranjit: Seriously stopping the car.

Barney: Look, you... Wait, wait... Robin, hold on. If you want to talk, I'm right here.

Robin: Carrots and peas.

Barney: Don't... You...

(Robin steps out of the car)

Ranjit: I'll crank up the smooth jazz.

Marshall is stopped at a pedestrian red light, waitin for it to turn green

Folk singer: * Our hero's strength was fading fast just as the light turned... green. He then thought back to all the times he'd lost to a machine. The cable box is fearsome but the stapler's mighty sting... The cable box's bite again... Getting too tired to sing. *

(Barney steps out of his car and follows Marshall)

Ted: Uses a hybrid steel tube structure...

Ted from 2030: Kids, that day, I had a horrible realization. If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus...It's you. (Ted steps out of the bus) The good news is, I was halfway there, and nothing could stop me.

They all arrive at the same time

Marshall: Whoa! This is crazy.

Robin: I can't believe it.

Ted: Okay, this is clearly a sign. Let's just call it a tie. Forget about the race. Head back to the bar.

(Everyone goes on its side)

Ted from 2030: Just like that, the race was back on.

Lily jumps into the subway train

Maury Povich: Idiot.

Ted from 2030: Meanwhile, one subway car over...

Robin is also in the subway train

(A man points toward the poster showing Becky. Robin get it off, and finds, underneath, a poster of her and Don)

Robin: Oh, God. Oh, bite me!

Barney is in a pedicab

Barney: Faster. Mush! Mush! I need this win. I need this win.

[FLASHBACK]

Barney: And f*ring half my department freed up the money to double my own salary. And this chick from Boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and I'm getting more muscular, even though I've stopped working out, and I've got this amazing poker group.

Ted from 2030: Actually, Barney did not need a win.

Barney: And I smell incredible. Smell me. Just, seriously, smell me.

Ted from 2030:He did smell incredible.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Barney: Stop! Too slow. Switch.

Lily steps out of the train and joins Robin

Lily: Sweetie? Are you okay?

Robin: No. I am done with this city. It wins. I just want to move somewhere new and start over.

Lily: You've had a rough year. But you're tough. And I love you like crazy. If you left, I'd have to follow you. And Marshall would follow me. And Ted would follow him. The only upside is that we might get rid of Barney. Bring it in.

Robin: What did he say?

Lily: No clue. Hey, is that Maury Povich?

(Lily runs out of the train )

Robin: Hey! Lily.

Lily: Sorry, sweetie. I swear I'll be a great friend at the finish line, but the conductor just said you're going express to Borough Hall, which means you're screwed, sweetie. So long, sucker. (the doors of the train opens) Damn it. (she makes a phone call) Hey, it's Lily. Help me.

Ted is running with Marshall

Ted: And not a single passenger would listen to me. I mean, am I a bad teacher? Do I just put people to sleep?

(Marshall falls down)

Man, in a calculator display: Buddy? Hey, buddy? Need a hand?

Marshall: The machines have won! he machines have won.

Man: Dude, mellow.

Marshall: I can't do it. I can't run that far. I can't outrace anything. I... I can't... I can't get my wife pregnant!

Ted: Wait. Is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about?

Marshall: My body has been letting me down, and I just wanted to prove that it could still do something, but it can't.

Ted: Dude, you've been trying for two months, not two years. That's nothing.

Marshall: Well, you should talk. You know, you're the one who's freaking out because you have one mediocre review and, like, 50 great ones.

Ted: 64. But whatever.

Marshall: And you're designing a frickin' building. I mean, come on, dude.

Man: Sounds like you guys need to clear everything, subtract the negativity, and add some perspective.

(Ted and Marshall throw the man down. Lily arrives in a car)

Lily: Marshall! Marshall, get in!

Ranjit: Hello.

Barney, Ted and Robin arrive at the same time

Ted: There it is.

Robin: Where are Marshall and lily?

Barney: Who cares?

(They start running, Ted and Barney fall down while Robin keeps on running)

Robin: I won? I won!

Barney: No!

Robin: I can't believe I won!

Barney: How did that even happen?

Ted from 2030: Here's how it happened.

[FLASHBACK]

Lily: Okay, he's in. Go. Go. g*n it.

Ranjit: Ted is in the way.

Lily: Run him over.

Ranjit: Running him over.

Marshall: No. Lily, what the hell is the matter with you?

Lily: Nothing. I just want to win this really badly. So badly that I just ditched my best friend when she needed me.

Marshall: Oh, baby, you were also going to run over Ted.

Lily: Why did I get so crazy about this?

Marshall: Maybe for the same reason that I kept saying that I could run seven miles. I... I'm trying to be really, um, confident and positive about all this, but, baby, I'm really scared that we're not pregnant yet.

Lily: Oh, thank God. I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.

Marshall: I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.

Lily: It's only been two months.

Marshall: We are crazy.

Lily: We're totally crazy.

Marshall: This is the last time it's ever going to be just the two of us. Shouldn't we be enjoying that?

Lily: We gotta go back to Paris.

Marshall: And take ballroom dancing.

Lily: And really learn how to ski. Not just up and get faced in the lodge.

Marshall: And see Coney Island. I've still never been. See, we have a whole bucket list of things to do before we start having kids.

Lily: Oh, a cradle list.

Marshall: I'm... So glad we're trying, and I'm going to be really excited for when it happens, but this isn't a race.

Lily: It isn't a race.

Marshall: Ranjit, screw Gregor's. Let's go to Coney Island.

Ranjit: Screwing Gregor's. Going to Coney Island.

Ted from 2030: As for how Robin b*at me and Barney, to this day, your uncle Barney won't admit it... Who cares? But here's what I saw: I saw Barney notice Robin's face... And maybe realize something. Barney says he tripped, but it sure felt like he tackled me on purpose. And when Robin won, I could have sworn I saw him smile.

Robin: I won!

Barney: No!

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Robin is at the restaurant with Max

Robin: So I said, "the cab, of course"

Ted: I know what you did back there.

Barney: Yeah. Check it. I just drove a pedicab 26 blocks, and I still smell incredible. Smell me.

Ted: I'm not gonna... Not gonna...

Barney: Smell me.

Ted from 2030: He did smell incredible.

Robin: Wait a minute. So, where is Woody Allen?

Max: He's right there.

Robin: Damn it, Max. That's Maury Povich.

Max: I always get those two confused.

Ted from 2030: Technically, there was only one winner that day. And in that race, everyone found exactly what they needed. It's true, she wouldn't see Woody Allen for another couple months, but that's how Robin became, by just about any definition of the term... A real New Yorker.

[END]