01x06 - Don't Tread on Pete

[bunniefuu]

you'll have eaten
over 15,000 meals.

And when you look back

at all the best meals
you've ever eaten,

I'll bet my big toe
not one of them

started with a tray.

All right, it's meat loaf
or fish sticks.

Teddy, it's been meat loaf

or fish sticks every Friday

since school was invented.

Just for the record,

you should know that meat loaf

also goes
by several other names.

Pepper steak,

Swiss steak,

cube steak,

and Salisbury steak.

That's what the cafeteria
ladies call variety.

And just like the food,

the cafeteria ladies even
look the same,

except for Emma.

She was different
from the others.

You could see it in her eyes.

( whispers ):
Don't eat the meat loaf.

What are you going
to have, Pete?

I'll have
the fish sticks.

I had no idea what
that was all about.

Meat loaf, please.

But I sure knew one thing:

gelatin was for dessert.

Whenever they serve gelatin,
I get so disappointed.

It's like they're saying,

"We just didn't want
to make the effort."

All right, my favorite flavors:
green and red.

Once Teddy and I had our trays

loaded up with trayload,

we headed for our usual table
with our usual friends.

But as I would soon learn,

there would be nothing usual
about this lunch,

because what began with Emma
and the meat loaf

would soon escalate into a w*r

that threatened
the life, liberty,

and the pursuit of happiness
of yours truly.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

? Hey, smilin' strange ?

? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?

? Can you settle to sh**t me ?

? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Don't you talk back ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?

? Don't you talk back ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy ?

? Don't you talk back ?

? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?

? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?

BIG PETE:
I once heard that when
one identical twin

knows that something bad is
about to happen,

the other twin knows it, too.

Somehow they just sense it.

Well, I think that also goes

for best friends.

Pete, don't you usually have
meat loaf on Friday?

Oh. Well, today my head
said meat loaf,

but my heart
said fish sticks.

Magda, why is the crust always
cut off your sandwiches.

That's the way I like them.

Ellen likes them
that way, too.

Ah. So it's a girl thing.

Hey, Magda,
does your mom

save the crust?

I don't know. Why?

I'm carbing up
for wrestling tryouts.

If you find a big box of crust
at home, bring it in.

What weight are you going
to wrestle at, Dan?

I might go for 118,

but there's less competition
at 210.

ELLEN:
When's tryouts?

Today.

Hey...

you going to finish
both of those?

Maybe you should
eat his tray.

( laughs )

Bill's the master

of getting milk
to sh**t out of Teddy's nose.

So every lunch,
Teddy wears a nose clip,

that is every lunch

since the bath.

And the guy says,
"It's just a small load,

so I'll drop it here."

( laughing )

Bill says his new goal

is to make milk come out
of Teddy's ears.

Oh, Teddy, help, help!

I wouldn't be surprised
if he does it.

I don't think that's funny.

Thousands of people lose
an eye like that every year.

Slop time means swap time.

Who's ready to deal?

Every lunch, without fail,
Trader Tim pays a visit.

And every lunch, without fail,

Tim makes more deals
than the stock market.

One day Tim started

with a fluffernutter sandwich
an apple,

and a Snickerdoodle,

and he made trade after trade.

And when he was finished,
he had a fig bar,

and a 1909 Honus Wagner
baseball card worth $67,000.

Hey, Forzman, I'll trade you

an apple scrumpy
for your nose clip.

ALL:
No!

All right, two scrumpies.

ALL:
No!

Fine. Turn me down,
I'm outta town.

So do you guys want to go over
some stuff for the test?

No. If you don't know it by now,
you're not going to...

know it.

The next two words that came
spilling out of my mouth

might be the two scariest words
a kid can ever utter.

What test?

Pete, we have a test in history
next period. Remember?

No.

It's on the Revolutionary w*r.

The whole thing?

And those words signaled

not only the beginning
of my battle,

but also my brother Pete's
battle

across town at his school.

Okay, class,

ears to the front.

As you know, my dodgeball team,
the Kings...

are vying for the intramural
championship tomorrow.

And today, they'll be using
your gym class to practice.

Is this guy
picking your scabs

the way
he's picking my scabs?

So, gentlemen,

if you'd all step aside,
or better yet,

go sit up in the stands,
you may watch and learn.

No way.

Hey, put those balls down.

I told you to go sit up
in the stands.

Lick the parquet, Cornwallace.

This is our gym class.

Now, listen,
you little upstarts.

Do as I say,
or there'll be trouble.

Yeah, but we'll
be dishing it out.

Oh? You and what army?

This army!

( snickers )

This is your last warning.

Now, step aside.

All right, you miserable curs.

This is w*r.

( whistle blows )

Then let it begin, blowhole!

How could I not know
about this test?

I called you
last night.

( kissing noises )

To ask him how studying
was going, Theodore.

( chuckles )

Mrs. Beardsley told us about it
at the end of class on Monday.

Didn't you hear her?

Monday?

I remember it was almost the end
of class,

and I was bored.

And to k*ll time,

I was counting the freckles
on Wayne Schlagel's neck.

...36, 37...

Then I remember looking
at my history book,

and I saw a flip movie
that someone had drawn in it.

I couldn't take my eyes off it.

I just kept flipping
and flipping...

...and flipping
and flipping.

I must have been hypnotized,

because I didn't hear Beardsley
say anything about a test.

Wow.

Good story, Pete, but
Beardsley won't buy it.

She has to.

It's true.

I've never failed a test
in my life.

I don't know anything
about failing.

Don't worry, Pete.

We'll help you out.

I can't believe that somebody
drawing a flip movie in my book

in 1967
is messing up my life today.

That's how
history works, Pete.

The way things are today

is because of everything
that happened in the past.

( b*mb whistling, exploding )

This is our turf, jerkweed!

Go home!

( b*mb whistling, exploding )

CORNWALLACE:
You're bigger
and better and stronger

than these scalawags.

We should be
crushing them.

What is the problem?

We're trying, sir,
but they keep moving.

We've never seen
this strategy before.

Well, try harder.

Maybe if you tell

Mrs. Beardsley what happened,
she'll let you

take a makeup test.
MAGDA:
Don't count on it, Pete.

Mrs. Beardsley never lets people
out of tests. Never.

Not once in her whole career,

and she's been at this school
longer than any

other teacher.

Don't worry, Pete.

What's the worst
that could happen?

Even if you fail the test,

you could still get
a "C" average.

That's not the worst
that can happen, Pete.

It's not?

I heard
that Margaret Clumper's brother

failed one of Beardsley's tests.

She made him touch her legs.

Oh, geez, damn!

People are eating!

Just the thought of looking
at Beardsley's legs

was enough to make
anyone's gut juice curdle.

That's because they're covered
with big varicose veins.

And if you look at them
up close,

you'll see that the veins
on her legs look

just like a road map
of central Iowa.

On the news one day,

I heard about a new highway
the just built through Iowa.

The next day,
Beardsley had a new vein

in just the right place.

I'm not hungry anymore.

You're not going to finish that?

Pete, I know somebody
right in this room

who failed one
of Ms. Beardsley's tests.

Who?

Cecil Tucker.

The janitor?

Yup. When he was 14,
he was an honor student.

He was on the school paper,

and he lost an election
for class president just because

it was a popularity contest...

just like you, Pete.

He never was quite the same
after that test.

They say the fire in his belly
just went out.

I can't fail this test!

I gotta study.
There's only...

...18 minutes to go.

And with that,
what became known as

"The lunch heard 'round
the world" officially began.

( b*mb whistling, exploding )

Bunker Hill.

Valley Forge.

Fort Ticonderoga.

Our forefathers
fought these battles

to free us
from the rule of tyrants.

But I guess
that didn't include teachers,

because in my own battle
of Wellsville High,

my whole life was riding
on Mrs. Beardsley's test.

"The Revenue Act of 1767

was imposed to replace
the Stamp Act."

Here, Pete,
use my book.

I've used a highlighter
on all the important facts.

Thanks, Magda.

What's
a highlighter?

I'll use my own book.

Pete, sometimes
it helps to remember things

if you make up
a little rhyme, like,

"John Paul Jones,
he laughed at danger.

The first ship he commanded
was called the Ranger."

Here's one--

"Dumping tea in Boston Harbor
caused quite a sensation.

It was because of taxation
without representation."

Yeah, that might work.

Does anyone else have one?

Yeah, I got one.

"If Pete fails the test,
he'll look like a sucker

and end up waxing floors
like Cecil Tucker."

( laughing )

Yes! Yes!

I'm gonna
try studying by myself.

Sorry.

If I was gonna
get through this mess,

I was gonna
have to do it alone.

Time was against me,
and it was against

Pete, too, whose rebel army was
fighting insurmountable odds.

Common sense.

Use your common sense
and give up.

No chance, wing nut.

All right, everybody,
answer if you dare.

What if...

what if you could have
a million dollars a year

for the rest of your life,
but from now on,

your eyes
had to be on your butt.

Would you do it?

Ooh, good one.

Do you guys have to play
this stupid game every day?

How would I put my contacts in?

Teddy, what do you care?

You could pay someone to.

What am I doing?

I can't concentrate.

Pete, on a dare,
I once ate 17 ice-cream bars,

and all that sugar threw
my brain into hyper-overdrive.

If you did that,
you could probably study

a whole night's worth
in 15 minutes.

That sounds kind
of dangerous, Pete.

Very dangerous.

Glucose poisoning can send
you into a sugar shock coma.

It can't be that dangerous.

Okay, so maybe I was wrong.

? Blue... ?

? Blue moon ?

? Blue... ?

Israel Putnam said,

"Don't fire
until you see the...

bites on their thighs."

I can't fail this test!

I can't fail this test.
I can't fail this test.

( distorted ):
I can't fail this test.

MAN:
Well, that's not
a very good likeness.

Who are you?

Sergeant
William Jasper.

That's me
in your book.

Hey, you gonna
finish those?

No. Go right ahead.

Fish in a stick.

Hmm.

Was that one
of Ben Franklin's ideas.

I don't know.

Is that gelatin?

Yeah.

It's like they're
not even trying.

I know.

Listen,
could I ask you a question?

Uh, I have this test...

Well, let me first
ask you a question.

If you could have an oxcart
full of silver

and enough silk clothing
and three-cornered hats

to last you a lifetime,
but you had to clean the stables

every day with your tongue,
would you do it?

I don't know.

I was hoping you could tell me
about the Revolutionary w*r.

It's... My test is on that.

Let me ask
you this.

If you could
free yourself from the forces

that were oppressing you,
but you had to have

a rebellious disposition
and fight with unrelenting fury,

would you do it?

( b*mb whistling, exploding )

That's against regulations.

You can't do that.

I just did,
power tool.

That's it.

I'm not your teacher anymore.

Prepare to fight,
you belligerent mongrel.

How can I fight?

I have nothing to fight with.

That's when I saw Emma.

She was escaping.

She knew what she would
become if she had stayed.

And I knew what
I'd become if I stayed.

I'll meet you in Iowa.

Iowa.

They'd never find Emma there.

Iowa...

And they'd never find me there.

It was my only hope.

If I took Route 61,

I could pick up Emma
in Dubuque,

then we'd hit Route 20
all the way to Marshalltown,

and we'd be history.

Forget fighting--
I was fleeing.

Sorry.

Lost your way,
Mr. Wrigley?

Huh?

You must be very confident
to be cavorting around

when we have
a test in... 11 minutes.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure
I'll do all right.

"All right"?

I expect a student like you
to do better than all right.

There's nothing
I dislike more than someone

not living up
to their potential.

Oh, hello, Mr. Tucker.

I-I've got work to do.

Then I'll leave
you to do it.

I'll be watching you,
Mr. Wrigley.

Hello, Mr. Tucker.

Hello.

Mr. Tucker,
could I ask you a question?

It's a free country.

Did you ever have
Mrs. Beardsley as a teacher?

Mrs. Beardsley--
she teaches history.

You took history, right?

Well, you don't take history,

it takes you,
deep into its tangled web.

I should know. I got trapped.

I couldn't get out.

I just kept looking at the clock
going 'round and 'round.

The tyranny of time.

Uh... thanks.

All I got now is the shine.

The shine?

You always see
the truth in the shine.

The shine?

What was that all about.

And what was
the deal with the clock?

Going 'round and...

The clock.

Hey, wait a minute.

( g*nshots )

( large expl*si*n )

Oh, no.

It was his book.

I had Cecil Tucker's book.

He was in Mrs. Beardsley's
class, and he must have been

hypnotized
by the same flip movie.

That's how history works, Pete.

The way things are today

is because of everything
that happened in the past.

Magda was right,
and if I didn't

get out of this test, I was
doomed to repeat history--

Cecil's history.

The tyranny of time.

Tick-tock.
Tick-tock goes the clock.

Time to give up
the ship, scoundrel.

Don't do it, Pete.

This is our gym class.

The Kings had Pete surrounded.

There was no way out.
( bell ringing )

Don't ask
for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for you, Wrigley.

What is your decision?

And what was mine?

Unless I did something drastic,

history
was going to repeat itself.

Only this time,
I'd be the victim.

Pete, what are you doing?

I can't fail this test, Ellen.

It's like Patrick Henry said--

"If this be treason,
make the most of it."

I don't think that's
what he had in mind.

Today, it's cheating.

Tomorrow,
it's overdue library books.

What next, Pete?

Robbing mini-marts.

I need a drink.

The shine.

Cecil said that I'd find
the truth in the shine.

But I didn't see anything.

What was he talking about?

A wet nap?

What's that for?

You tell me...

when you find the truth.

That's when it all
became clear to me.

As I stared into the shine,
the truth stared back.

And the truth was that
Pete Wrigley was no quitter.

Your last words,
scoundrel.

Speak them now.

You must surrender or die.

( yells )

So, Pete, you gonna
give up the ship?

I have not
yet begun to fight.

( bell ringing )

So that's how I made

the Wellsville
High School history books

as the 965th kid to receive
a C-plus from Mrs. Beardsley.

And in the end, maybe I didn't
know all of the names,

dates, and milestones
of the Revolutionary w*r,

but like Pete, I knew
something just as important--

that whether you're fighting
for freedom or just a grade,

you must fight
with honor and courage.