People say there aren't
any heroes anymore,
but I don't know.
I say they're all around us.
You just have to know
where to look.
For starters, there's Perseus.
He's the guy
who cut off Medusa's head
and saved Andromeda
from the sea monster.
Then there's Pegasus,
the immortal winged horse.
Swooping in out of nowhere
to help destroy
a fire-breathing beast.
And finally,
over the skies of Wellsville,
you can spot
the Artie constellation.
Where Artie came from,
no one knows,
but ever since
he arrived in our town,
evil has had to haul butt.
Mmm, 19 o'clock,
and all... is pipe.
Artie's a suburban superhero
with powers and abilities
far beyond those
of mortal men.
No one knows the full extent
of his mutant arsenal.
But if you ask me,
his most amazing power of all
is this one--
his friendship
with my brother Pete.
It's a titanium-reinforced
bond that, over the years,
has given them the strength
to vanquish every villain
that's gotten in their way--
from a maniac schnauzer
to the Atlantic Ocean.
But unfortunately,
there are villains
in this world,
and then
there are super-villains.
The difference being
that super-villains
usually won't stop
until they destroy
the superhero they're after
as well as the legend
he left behind.
? Hey, eHeyHesmilin' strange ?
? You're lookin'
happily deranged ?
? Can you settle to sh**t me? ?
? Or have you picked
your target yet? ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy ?
? Does your dog bite? ?
? Ay-yi-yi-yi ?
? Hey, Sandy, hey. ?
BIG PETE:
Superheroes,
if they're really super,
always have super-villains
to worry about.
For Superman,
it was Lex Luthor.
For the Fantastic Four,
Doctor Doom.
For Artie,
the strongest man in the world,
it was these skank weevils.
Powers?
Like his name says,
he's the master
of the paper cut.
If you get in his way,
you'd better like
the sight of your own blood.
( air whooshing )
We'll cut back to him
in just a bit.
To get this story going,
I'd better brief you
on this scuzzmaster.
Occupation: Aluminum
siding salesman.
His powers?
He's a master salesman
who knows every trick
in the book.
Oh, oh.
( sighs )
My doctor says if I keep
doing these demonstrations,
my heart is going to burst
like a bad melon.
But hey, no pressure.
( Artie yelps )
"Like a bad melon."
( laughs )
BIG PETE:
Being a super salesman,
he had the power to sell adults
on the idea that Artie
was a menace to society.
Rumor has it that McFlemp
was sent to our town
by a secret anti-kid
organization called
the International
Adult Conspiracy,
in order to deal
with the Artie problem
once and for all.
? Cabin boy, the cabin boy,
that dirty little nipper ?
? He filled his pants
with fire ants ?
? And cauterized the skipper ?
ARTIE:
Ahoy, matey!
Adults in our area
have always been
a little afraid of Artie.
The problem is,
what they can't understand,
they can't control.
I hate canoes.
For years, they were powerless
to do anything about Artie.
But then came McFlemp.
After analyzing the situation
closely for a few weeks,
McFlemp realized there
was a weak link
in Artie's line of defense--
our dad.
Why me?
( Artie yelling unintelligibly )
( laughing )
Whoo-hoo!
Come here, boy! Ah!
( Artie laughing )
Joyce, don't encourage them.
McFlemp knew if he could just
get to Dad,
he could get to Artie.
Hey, Don!
And being the master salesman
that he was,
he knew exactly how to exploit
Dad's weaknesses.
Hey, John, I, uh,
see your son is
vacuuming the yard.
Actually, he's reseeding it.
Yeah, he came up with this idea
of filling the vacuum
with grass seed and then running
the darn thing
in reverse. ( laughs )
Wow, uh... you've got
quite a son there.
Don't think
I don't know that, Don.
Now, what about your son?
Well, uh...
( grunting )
What about him?
Well, may not be
any of my business,
but do you think it's
a good idea for your son
to be hanging around a lunatic
like that Artie character?
Well, I don't know
about that, John,
I mean, it's
not every boy
who gets to have his very
own personal superhero.
Oh, that's where
I think you're wrong, Don.
Now, maybe I'm a little
old fashioned,
but I've always believed
that a boy's superhero
should be his dad.
Right, son?
Right, Dad.
I mean, Super Dad.
Why are we doing this, Dad?
Now, it may surprise you, son,
but you know, your old dad
is something
of a superhero himself.
It just so happens
I-I'm probably
the fastest, most efficient
gutter cleaner in town--
( chuckling ):
possibly the world.
Now, watch closely
as I take this scraper...
Hey!
Greetings, Roofie!
What's the do... do?
Dad's trying to teach me
how to clean gunk.
Gunk?
( spits )
Want some help with gunk?
It's a father-son thing, Artie.
Now, just keep your tights on.
We'll be done in a couple hours.
Ooh! Idea.
Now, son, as I was saying,
you take the scraper...
I-de-yah!
( Artie blowing loudly )
( rumbling )
No...
McFlemp:
The real beauty
is that it actually
repels dirt.
( descending whoosh )
They're beautiful.
Wrigley!
Hey, Wrigley!
This madness has to stop.
He got gunk
in my soup.
I'm really sorry, everybody.
You know, he's just...
( laughs )
He's just Artie,
you know? Uh...
Look, if there's anything I can
do to make it up to you folks...
Actually... there is, Don.
I'm calling a meeting
of concerned citizens,
to discuss
the Artie situation.
I'd like you to join us.
I-I can't go sneaking
around my son's back, John.
No pressure, Don.
I understand.
I mean, if I cared
absolutely nothing
about our community,
I'd make the same decision.
All right, uh,
I'll be there.
BIG PETE:
While McFlemp
prepared for phase two
of his plan,
our other super-villain
was about to begin phase one.
They say Paper Cut
was born in the back
of a copy shop.
There was no one to play with,
so he played with paper.
He ended up cutting himself
so many times,
it did some kind of
origami number on his brain,
a brain that was capable
of creating objects
of great beauty.
as well as objects
of incredible pain.
He was the king
of the seventh grade,
who ruled his domain
with three simple words.
Rock, paper, scissors!
sh**t.
Smart move, mutthead.
Paper beats rock.
Now, prepare for
your punishment.
BIG PETE:
In the endless games
he loved to play,
( groaning )
he always threw paper.
You!
And everybody else
always threw rock.
They were too afraid not to.
But then one day,
everything changed.
Paper beats rock.
Rock beats scissors.
Scissors b*at paper.
Shut up and throw, drool cup.
Rock, paper,
scissors, throw.
You have no idea
what you have just done!
Think I do.
( hard slap )
You will grant
me a rematch,
and you will go down!
I don't dive,
you scar finger.
Then prepare to bleed.
( whirring )
Ah!
( growling )
( Artie grunting )
( slurping )
La-la-la.
Delightful. A delicious blend
of tarragon, ginger,
and some sort of seafood,
shellfish.
Artie!
( laughs )
Appearing in a
timely fashion,
seemingly from nowhere.
Be gone
with you, pulpy,
before I fold you
into some type
of brochure.
Go recycle yourself,
Paper Cut.
( growls )
Oh, boy,
I guess you told me off.
Very tough, Wrigley.
You're a real butt kicker,
all right.
But I guess it's
easy to be brave
if you don't have to
fight your own battles.
BIG PETE:
True to their source,
Paper Cut's words left
a paper cut in Pete's psyche.
It was a small wound,
but it was painful,
and once it began to fester,
it infected Pete's soul,
and soon threatened the future
of one
of the greatest friendships
in the universe.
The forces
of darkness assembled
to destroy Artie
once and for all.
The evil Paper Cut sliced a gash
into the heart of Pete
and Artie's friendship,
and super-villain McFlemp
had found the one w*apon
that could bring
the strongman down.
Dad.
( rings buzzer )
Don, glad you
could make it.
Come in.
We just started.
WOMAN:
Yesterday...
I caught my son arm-wrestling
a slab of bacon.
Said Artie taught him how.
That psycho, Artie,
dared my Nona to go two days
saying only the word "boing."
( chuckles )
Well, so, uh, did she make it?
What about the shortcuts?
My shortcut's
a four-lane expressway
with a scenic rest stop.
My son--
John Jr.--
used the word "pipe" today.
He looked at a flower,
and he said, "Pipe."
That scares me, Don.
Pipe?
It's not such a bad word.
You know, Don,
it's that kind of attitude
that's enabling that freak
to destroy our youth.
Hey, hey, I-I don't
love the guy either,
but I can't just make him go.
I mean,
even if I could,
uh, Pete'd k*ll me.
Don... I think the
bottom line here
is the mutant's
got to go.
And you're the man to do it.
But, hey...
no pressure.
BIG PETE:
Yet the pressure was on
from all sides,
now that Paper Cut
was hacking away
at the bond
between Pete and Artie.
Hey, Buttercup.
Big play friend come
to walk you home?
ARTIE:
You fat
son of pulp,
I will fold you, seven times.
No, don't.
Let's just go.
Okay, okeydokey.
Leaving, then.
Shall we go the
short way, boy?
( grunts )
Okay,
you can take the short way.
I'll see you later.
E... gads, boy!
What, are you ailing?
No.
I just want to take
the long way home for a change.
Oh, change is good,
change is good.
Please move along.
All right, shortie.
BIG PETE:
They had always taken
Artie's shortcuts together,
but something
was different now,
with Pete,
and with the neighborhood.
We're organized now, strong boy!
Your days are numbered.
( gasps )
( babbling )
We're gonna stop you, sicko.
( spits )
Hooey.
( mechanical humming )
Mmm. Enjoyment.
Well, well, here
we are at last,
Mr. Superhero.
Is everything "pipe" today?
Oh, all is pipe,
metallic man.
You sideshow freak.
You're finished
in this town,
strongest man
in the world.
Let's see you fight
public opinion.
( laughs )
( phone rings )
It's someone else
complaining about Artie.
Why do they
keep calling you?
You got me.
Uh, take a message.
I-I need to, um,
go clean the gutters.
Pete?
Honey, what's the matter?
BIG PETE:
As Dad was about to find out,
Pete's problem with Artie
gave him the solution
he'd been looking for.
LITTLE PETE ( echoing ):
It's about Artie.
I know he's
my best friend and all,
and he's always there
when I need him,
but... I don't know.
Sometimes,
when he stands up for me,
I feel like a wuss.
MOM ( echoing ):
Nothing wrong with getting
a little help, Pete.
Artie is
your superhero, right?
You don't get it.
I mean, sometimes...
( echoing ):
I don't know, I just...
want to be my own Viking.
Yes!
BIG PETE:
It was too good to be true.
The power of Pete
and Artie's friendship
was weakening.
Dad figured if
he moved fast,
he could win
Pete back forever.
His plan?
Have the best
father-son day ever.
DAD:
You know, the great thing
about the box kite--
it combines
sound aerodynamics
with grace and beauty.
You know what's great
about my kite, Dad?
Sound aerodynamics
with stealth bomber technology.
Well, th-that's nice, son.
BIG PETE:
As Dad tried
to sell himself to Pete,
Ellen and I tried
to sell the town on Artie...
the new, improved Artie.
ARTIE:
Pete!
Boy!
Artie?
What?
I didn't want
to tell you this before,
but Pete's not coming.
He and Dad went off
first thing this morning.
But this is
your big chance, Artie.
We got to
get you moving.
Come on.
Ma'am, we're offering
free thermally-heated,
pre-moistened towelettes,
care of Wellsville's
own superhero, Artie.
The strongest man...
In the world.
( muttering )
Meanwhile, Dad decided
the time had come to move in
for the k*ll.
You know, Pete,
a boy is a bit
like a kite.
Sometimes he
needs to fly free,
fight his own battles,
be his own Viking.
Maybe a superhero
can be like...
kite string, you know,
holds a boy back.
Dad's words had scored
a direct hit.
The question was:
Would Pete crumble?
Maybe the boy needs to...
let go of that superhero.
Save your breath, Dad!
I-I'm just saying that...
Artie and me
are best friends.
That means forever,
so live with it.
( stammering )
( rustling )
Thermally-heated,
pre-moistened towelette?
This towelette is cold.
ARTIE:
Here.
I'll heat it on high.
( yelling )
( sizzling )
Hot as Mexico toad.
We're gonna run you
out of town!
Artie's bombing.
Artie?
Artie?!
I guess to adults,
the new Artie was a
lot like the old Artie.
As far as our dad
was concerned,
they were
both going down.
It would be
the most treacherous act
in his life.
But Dad didn't care.
He was gonna ambush
the strongman
in his own backyard.
Don?
Came by for some sandwiches,
didn't you?
( laughing ):
You old softy.
Artie, uh, we
need to talk.
Yes, Don, Don, I'm all ears.
All ears, my man.
Go ahead.
Artie...
Good.
It's-it's about Pete.
P...
Little Viking? Yes?
Yeah.
You see, uh,
h-he needs a stable home life.
I mean...
here's what I mean.
Pete's not a little boy anymore,
you know?
He needs to stand
on his own.
Fight his own battles.
Having a superhero around can,
well, stunt his growth.
Ooh, short, short.
Yeah, yeah.
You see what I mean?
It might be best for Pete
if you were to, uh...
leave town.
He didn't have the heart
to tell you himself.
That's why he asked me.
He wants you to go.
( whimpers )
Oh, Don.
Oh, Don!
Hold me.
Hold me, Don.
Oh, Don, it hurts.
I'm not saying it would
swallow a cow,
I'm just saying it could.
Well, I once saw a snake
swallow a whole beef jerky.
Oh, that's
such a load.
( clears throat )
Hey, Pete,
I didn't know
your dad was
pals with Artie.
He's not.
Yeah, I thought Artie
hates driving in cars.
He does.
I smell a bald skunk.
Come on.
Well, this is the,
uh, best thing
for both of you.
Yeah.
Why, it'll give
you a chance
to start over, uh,
you know, a clean slate.
( groans )
DAD:
Whoa!
LITTLE PETE:
He's using evasive maneuvers!
Break up!
Take shortcuts!
( brakes screeching )
Crazy driving, Don.
So, Artie,
how about those rising dividends
in today's mutual funds?
Hey!
( tires screeching )
( grunting )
You're a mad man
at the wheel, Don.
BIG PETE:
As he closed in,
Pete finally understood
what Dad had been getting at
the day before.
Maybe that boy needs to...
let go of that superhero.
How did he know?
No!
He just felt it in his liver.
Please, don't leave!
If he didn't catch up
with Artie,
he'd never see him again.
Artie, please! Wait!
My Viking.
Oh! He's calling me.
Wow! He needs me!
So pleasurable.
Boy!
Artie!
Don, stop this pile at once,
or I'll be forced
to become strong with you.
Artie, no!
Artie, don't go!
( tire screeching )
( screaming )
( yells )
Please, I have to find out
what the boy said.
He said...
I'm afraid he said,
"Please don't come back."
( garbled sigh )
Aw...
BIG PETE:
You don't need to be a genius
to know who was
behind Pete's wipeout.
Nobody here to fight
your battles, chicken breath.
Just you, me,
and my new ivory bond.
If your best friend
had just been deported
and the International
Adult Conspiracy
put your world
into a full-nelson headlock,
and a raging maniac
with a thing
for rock, paper, scissors
was about to paper-cut you
to shreds,
you'd probably think
it was the end, too.
But you'd be wrong.
It was only
the beginning.
02x10 - Farewell, My Little Viking: Part 1
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Centers around two brothers, both named Pete Wrigley, and their humorous and surreal adventures in suburbia among their equally eccentric friends, enemies, and neighbors.
Centers around two brothers, both named Pete Wrigley, and their humorous and surreal adventures in suburbia among their equally eccentric friends, enemies, and neighbors.