11x03 - Run Up a Tree to the Moon

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Taskmaster was recorded

in accordance with all social
distancing guidelines in place

at the time of filming.

I just need to read that again.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm your captain, Greg Davis,
and I'm in charge of this almighty,

yet volatile warship, as it pitches
wildly through task infested waters.

A brave crew will learn something
new about themselves every day

before returning to dry land
to immediately sack their agents.

The audience are watching
from a distant island.

So let's meet the scurvy-gummed
biscuit eaters of the high seas.

They are Charlotte Ritchie!

Jamali Maddix!

Lee Mack!

Mike Wozniak!

And Sarah Kendall!

And next to me is a man who's head
is shaped like the rubber

at the end of a pencil and who's
body is shaped like a pencil.

He's a human pencil with a k*ller
smile, it's little Alex Horne!

Hey, a compliment! Yeah.

Thank you for my compliment. Bit
of a twist. Yeah, I'll take pencil.

Let's get this chat under way,
shall we? Let's do it.

I have finished maths.

I've learnt all of maths,
you can ask me any sum

and I promise you I'll get it right.
OK.

I put a calculator in your drawer
if you want to test me? OK.

I can't turn it on.

I genuinely can't turn it on.
Is there one that says on?

Sometimes it says AC
and no-one knows what that means.

No, that doesn't do it.
It simply doesn't work.

It's broken. I don't think this
section's going to get any better

than this. I think that what's
happened in the last minute

is as good
as any of your other chat.

Great, let's get going!

Of course. The prize task
is first on the agenda

and this time the category
is the most shocking thing

that is bigger than a cat,
but smaller than a pig.

Greg will have to decide which
of the five items brought in

is the most shocking thing
that is bigger than a cat

and smaller than a pig, and out
will come his big five points.

The overall winner at the end
of the episode will take home

five shocking things that are bigger
than cats, but smaller than pigs.

OK, good.

Just very briefly, why did we have
to have the whole cat pig thing?

So they knew what sort of size
thing to bring in. Yeah. Yeah?

People say I bully you,
but I think it's deserved.

Mike. Hello. Hello.

What thing have you brought in that
fits this clang's criteria?

There's a controversial artist
who lives in Dartmoor,

not far from me, who renders scenes
from the animal kingdom

out of glass. So I despatched it
to Taskmaster HQ.

OK, this is what arrived.

Oh, that's a shame.

There wasn't a lot of bubble wrap,
that was the problem.

So that's broken, is it?
That is, it's a great shame.

The description was a glassware
sculpture depicting a scene

from the animal kingdom.
Alpaca - in brackets -

shaved in flagrante delicto
with gecko - in brackets -

frenzied, as robin redbreast
looks on impassively.

Shock level - high.
So it was a shocking scene.

I mean, I can show you
the label from the courier here.

You can see it did say "ultra care
deluxe super fragile delivery deal."

I did splash out for that,
and it was perfect

when the courier received it.

It's a great tragedy. It's a real
shame. I'm sorry about that.

Lee.

Um, I was thinking
what's bigger than a cat

but smaller than a pig? A dog.

I couldn't find a shocking-looking
dog.

So in the end I went for
a baby's head welded onto a dog.

Do you want to see it?
Yeah. Here it is.

Oh, gosh. It's one of the worst
things I've ever seen in my life.

It's called a realistic
baby face mask and the reviews,

Brian Dee said, "Just what
we needed for our holidays,

"well made, good quality."

Genuinely on Amazon, that review.

Charlotte can you b*at a horrific
baby dog hybrid? Yep, I can.

Confidently, I thought,
'Shocking,' OK.

And then I thought,
a big bucket of ice.

And that's what she brought in.
And that's what I brought in.

Here it is.

I'm excited for you to be
positive about this.

It's rubbish. OK.
Absolutely rubbish.

Jamali?

Wow! All right. I brought in
a mini motorbike, right?

Here it is. Oh, God. It's a mini
motorbike, but check it out.

I was so focused on the size,
I forgot the shocking.

So you just went with the object
part of the challenge?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean to be fair,
I am fairly shocked

that you forgot about the shocking
part of the task.

Yeah, there you go! So that was
something. There you go.

Jesus Christ. Do you know what?
I'll settle with three points.

Will you? Yeah.
Ill settle with four, actually.

I'll tell you, we'll call it even.
Just give me three points,

and then we're good. Can we all say
now what we'll settle with?

I'll settle with four.
I think Lee deserves five.

Yeah, I'll settle with five.
B-b-b-b-buh!

B-b-buh! Sarah?

I asked a friend of mine,
cos I was kind of worried about

bringing in a good prize,
so she brought out

one of her...she said it's a toy
that I bought for my kid.

This is the toy.

And then she said
that the tail is a butt plug. Ooh!

And then two people can sit
on the ears.

And then I just said I don't think
anyone else is seeing that

with that toy?
Well, they're not.

I mean, in terms of shape, Greg, it
does have a flanged end to prevent

the device from being lost
inside the rectum, so it would work.

So it's a shocking donkey.
Are you ready to score? Yep.

Are we starting?
It's pretty difficult.

Are you starting at the top
or the bottom?

It's not difficult to get
the bottom. Why?

Well, cos someone
brought in a load of ice.

Oh. Oh, I see.

I'm giving Charlotte one point.

I'm going to give all three
of the weirdos three points.

Three points to Jamali,
three to Mike, three to Sarah.

Pretty happy with that. The only
person who brought something

that genuinely shocked me,
that disgusting baby thing.

we'll give him five points.
Five points to Lee Mack.

There we go. Thank you.

OK. Lay a task on me!

Sure thing.

It's time to take all our clothes
off, get hot and sweaty,

and sit on some wood!

Hey, what's up? Hi, Jamali.
Hey, you good?

Oh, please don't go past that rope.

Thank you.

What's that for?
It's for you.

Thank you.

For you.

Thanks.

What am I missing?

Hey, what's up?
What do you mean?

What's the task, man?
Oh, yes, sorry.

It's on that, it's on that. Oh,
it's on the towel? It's on here?

Yeah. Where's the task?

It's not far away. OK. Yeah.

Don't tell me it's, like, on me?
Ahh!

Task on the towel?
Can I take it off?

I see. Oh, hello.

Make the sauna stones hiss.

You must be standing behind the rope
when the sauna stones hiss.

You may not move the sauna
stones or this rope.

That was the first thing I thought.
You may not use a hose.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

You don't like it when Jamali
says "what's up," do you?

You don't like any
kind of slang language.

But I'm doing my best.
What's up?

Yeah, man. See? We cool!

Cool.

"We cool". That was...that was more
irritating than the "what's up".

When you went "we cool"!
We are cool!

That's more you.

Let's cr*ck on.

So it's saunas. I like a sauna.
I see the health benefits

and we're going to start
with Lee Mike, Lee and Mike.

Lee Mack and Mike.
Here we go.

Just got to luzz some water
at them, right? Um...

"Luzz" did you say?
Luzz. I was going to luzz.

Luzz some water. How are you
spelling luzz?

Luzz. L-U-Z-Z.

I used to play again called Track
and Field on a computer game

in the ' s, and the sh*t-putter
would spin around.

You had to press the button at
the exact moment to release it.

Oh, God, that would have worked
if I had double-bagged!

Here's a good old luzzer.
How are you spelling that?

L-U-Z-Z-E-R.

No. Poor. Poor start.

Aagghhhh!

Oh, for God's sake!

Maybe I should just be luzzing it
the old-fashioned way.

Nature's luzzer.

No hit.

Right.

Progress.

How do you gaffer all that together?

It's bamboo time.

Yes!

Now, let's see. Something's
happening there, isn't it?

Just before I try that...

I think we all know
what I'm going to do!

Sorry.

Oh, sh*t.

Sorry.

I'm just going to go and get some
more water. Back in a moment!

Right, try and not get k*lled.

Here we go! Come on!

HISSING Yes!

What a sh*t!

Right, I've not got a very good aim,
so I wonder if I need to build

a sort of structure that will
help encourage the projectile

to its home.

OK. Jessica Ennis.

HISSING

I've stopped the clock! Oh, there
we go! Well, thank you.

Thanks, Alex.
Lovely.

Lee, your final throw
was pretty dramatic.

I was pumped for quite a few hours.

I went straight in, made a cup
of tea and had jammy dodger.

It's true.

So, "nature's luzzer" is the first
of the catchphrases

that will never catch on,
that I wrote down.

"It's bamboo time"
being the second.

You know, it's bamboo o'clock,
tick-tock!

Hang on there. Let me just put
that down on the, uh...

"It's bamboo o'clock, tick-tock!"

Have you got some statistics for us?

Yes, well bamboo o'clock
worked for Mike.

He did it in seconds.
He did it in seconds,

which is minutes and .

Lee was minutes ,
so he was slower than Mike.

He was slower.

Oh, I've just
realised it's bamboo time!

Right! Break time.
Flood us with adverts!

Welcome back to Taskmaster
where we're currently

in the middle of a task.
Sauna, Alex?

Little Alex Horne, I thank you.

Yes, they were trying to make some
sauna stones hiss from a distance.

Not as easy as you might think.
Next to have a hissy fit

are Charlotte and Sarah.

Is there ice in the freezer?
Yeah, all right.

SHE LAUGHS

It's not bad.

Oh, no! Come on.

So I'll just do one more.

OK.

That was actually close!

Is that...? I didn't hear a hiss.
Did you hear a hiss?

OK.

You thought you could run faster
than the water would fall? Yep.

Oh, this is... No.

Oh! Ahhh.

OK.

Whoosh!
HISSING

I've stopped the clock. Yes!

Whoosh! Whoosh!

It's hissing!
HISSING

Yes, yeah.
A little hiss there. thank you.

Thanks!

Right. Well done.

Um, for a while I thought
you'd lost your mind,

because you just would continue
to throw the ice repeatedly.

When you have no other ideas,
you stick to your bad idea

and hope that through sheer
persistence you're going to reap

some sort of benefit.
It's the definition of madness.

Yeah, very. Yes, absolutely.
Yep.

But then you did something far more
logical. You took the ice cube

and you build a bridge
to put the ice cube on.

I did that.

Um, Charlotte, you said "it's not
bad" after your first water throw,

which was about one foot
away from you.

So it was quite bad.
It was bad.

It's not easy to wield a turkey
baster. It isn't. That's true!

It did go "pffunk" straight away,
so...

Once you'd devised your pulley
system, you then attempted

to run faster than gravity.

Again, yeah,
imagine if I had b*at it?

Oh, my God. I would have discovered
something incredible.

You'd be able to just run up a tree
to the moon. Pffwooooh! Yeah.

I can tell you that they both
did it in seconds.

seconds over here,
four seconds quicker than Mike.

At the moment
Charlotte's in the lead.

But Sarah did it even faster.
What?

Yeah, she did it in seconds,
just eight minutes and two seconds.

Right, lots faster.
I'm really surprised by that.

All right, do you want to see
the Jamali finale? So much.

Here it is.

Do we have any, like, balloons?
Balloons? Balloons. Yeah.

Can I get one?
Whereabouts are the balloons?

I'll get you a balloon.
Yeah, can I get a balloon?

What colour? Any colour.
Are you coming with me?

I mean, the thing is,
it's a time thing,

and you're not going very fast.
Oh, are you chasing me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, OK. If you could just...

..step it up, please. Thank you.

Can you help me out here, mate?

Can you like hold this
while I tape it around, please?

Ah, no.

No, not long enough.

Is there a bow and arrow in here?

No, there's no bow
and arrow in the shed.

Oh, all right.

HISSING Well, that was a hiss.

Yeah, you're not behind the rope.

Wait for it.

You got to listen, Alex.

FAINT HISSING

Did I pass? I suppose so. Yep?
We're counting that as a hiss.

All right! Thanks, Jamali.

Oooh!

Uh, again, I thoroughly enjoyed how
irritated you get with Alex for...

It's like, it's a time thing
and he just sort of goes,

"OK, any colour?" It's...
Yeah, yeah, cr*ck on.

I did trot along in the end.

It's incredibly irritating
asking what colour balloon as well.

Yeah, yeah. What does it matter?
Well, it might matter.

It didn't matter.
No, it didn't matter.

Just to explain what happened
with the sauna for Jamali.

The reason why we were trying
to light it was cos

when the balloon burst,
it put out the sauna.

The whole match system was born...

necessity being the mother
of invention was born

when you were trying to light
the thing, right?

Different type of hiss though,
isn't it? It's a hiss though.

It's a hiss, mate. Is it a hiss,
would you describe it as a hiss?

It is a hiss, mate.
I'm counting it as a hiss.

I appreciate that. You can take
that to the bank. Yeah. OK.

I mean, it's slightly academic
because it took him . minutes.

Jamali came last,
so he gets one point.

Then it goes Lee with two points,
minutes.

Mike, three points, . .
Charlotte four points, . .

But Sarah gets all five points with
eight minutes and two seconds.

Yes! The ice bridge was triumphant.
Scoreboard then, please.

Very satisfying for me.

It's , , , , ,
with Sarah in the lead with !

Lovely! Lovely.
Do we have time for another one?

Oh, we have all the time
in the Gregorian calendar!

CLOCK TRILLS
Hey, what's up?

Hello, Jamali.
Nice to see you again.

Do you want me
to say "what's up" back? Nah.

OK.

"What's up" is like a thing you
respond to, it's not like,

"what's up". "What's up?"
Anyway, it doesn't matter.

Create the best new way
to remember how many days

each of the months has.

I'm not sure
I know the answer to that.

You have minutes.
Your time starts now.

Um, can I borrow your pen? Yes.

I just have to remember the basics
before we do anything. Right.

Do you mind if I scrawl on this?
Thank you.

Can I have a calendar, please?
Do you mind what pictures are on it?

I just need a calendar ASAP,
cos it's minutes...

Can you.... just get the calendar,
get the calendar.

I need to talk to a producer
after this,

cos the time needs to be stopped
when you're...

Just get the calendar.
I can't deal with this.

There's a poem
kicking around out there.

I've heard talk of this poem.
You know it!

Right so we've got days
have September...

April, June...

November.

All the rest have .

Except for February, blah blah
blah blah blah blah.

Right, I've got to confess here
that I don't know

what the last line of that is.

" days have September, April,
June and November.

"All the rest have , except for
February, blee bluh bleee..."

I think it's what
I always do in my head.

Do you want me to tell you
the rest of it? Yes, please.

We had it as a reading
at my wedding.

It goes, "All the rest have ,
but February's ,

"the leap year which comes once in
four gives February one day more."

No, that's not it.
That's awful and that can't be it.

It doesn't even scan!

It makes me want to run up a tree
to the moon!

So we're looking
for an alternative to that?

Yes, just a way for you to remember
the number of days in the month.

Let's cr*ck on. OK.
First up, it's a man.

He's got facial hair,
but not just a moustache.

He's got a lovely big bushy beard.
Yes, it's Mr Jamali Maddix.

Look, the time should be stopped.

Like, it's unfair, cos I'm
based on his time of slowness.

Calendar, do you have my calendar?
Yes, I'm putting it over here.

OK. Oh, so can I get more time
on the clock? Um...

Thank you.
I will leave him a voice mail.

So you're going to leave him...
What's his full name?

I forgot his full name.
Greg, Greg Davis.

Greg Davis, that's it.

He's got... I love Greg Davis,
he's a funny guy.

He was good in Inbetweeners
and, erm,

all the other great stuff
he's done.

Hey, Greg. It's Jamali Maddix here.

So I'm just going to leave you
a voice mail and then you can

go back to it when you need
to go back to it.

Um, January has days
in the month.

Uh, February has , but I think
sometimes it's a leap year.

You've got March, days.
Same as January.

You have April which is actually
my birthday month, is days.

So if you want to send me a gift.

July, which is summertime,
and it's got days,

which is nice cos we've got more
days in the summer, I guess.

You've got August which is .
October, which is again.

November, we're at .

You got December, we're at .
That's Christmas month.

And that's it! That's the...
that's the whole thing.

So, yeah, give me a text back
if you want.

Yeah, thank you, man.
Appreciate it.

Quite a long message. I mean, it's
a lot of information, isn't it?

You definitely haven't watched this
show before you agreed to be on it.

Of course I've seen the show!
You don't even know who I am!

I know who you are!
I know who you are.

You don't know my name!
I know Greg!

You knew some of his name.
You don't know my second name.

Why do I need to know it?
Hey, listen it's not about me.

In what situation am I going to
think, "Oh, I'm not I'm not sure

"how many days
there are in this month,

"I'll just listen to Jamali's
voice mail?"

Did you not say just before,
"I can't even remember

"the rhyme for the thing.
It goes..."

Well, I didn't say it like that! OK.

So then I've given you
personally a gift,

and then now you can listen back
to it and remember.

It was one hell of an opener.
Who's next?

It's the Australian Sarah Kendall
and Shane Richie.

Sorry? Shane Rich...
Charlotte Ritchie!

I don't understand how leap years
work,

so I don't know if that matters.
I guess it does matter,

because you have to remember
how many days each one has.

So the way I remember it is January
February, March, April, May, June,

July, August, September, October,
November, December.

The up ones are
and the downs are .

So we need an up and a down,
and it needs to be memorable.

That's a clock. That's exciting.
Yeah.

I guess the problem is is that time
only has two hands.

J, M, M. Oh, I need more vowels.

Jm, jm, jaod. Jammjoad!

Then the leftover
letters are "snadge".

So I'm thinking of April?
Yeah, Snadge.

Or Jammjoad.

August. Ah.

Ah, that's two Js.
One, two, three, four, five, six.

It just needs six hands

and then the second
set of hands will be longer.

Cos effectively what I'm doing
is making a calendar

that you can look at! Can I make
this into a real clock? Yes.

If you lie in a certain way...

OK, so if he starts
on his left foot.

, , , .

So.

Oh. Yep. the only problem
is that the clock actually,

it turns out I think since I've been
making it, has manipulated the arms.

Cos at the moment June doesn't
have any days and July's got .

Yeah.

August, elbow September.

Oh, I'm just going to have to
lower it.

Back up to the shoulder for October.

Keep November, December !

Greg has to sit like this!
And what's the system?

The joints of the body.

So if I say to you July?

January, February, March, April,
May, June, July!

It's your .

Did you initially, when you...

when you developed your letter
system, you wanted me to learn

jammjoad snadge?

Yes! I did!

I was in such a state of panic,
I felt sick!

The body system's good, as long as
I remember to stay like this, right?

I have tried to represent it in a
graphic, which should clear that up.

Looks like this. That's an easy
thing to remember, isn't it?

And the red? Reds are up,
so they have more numbers.

Reds are up, yeah.

Mate, it really is a workable
system though, isn't it?

If you think it is, then it is.

Well, it is.
And it doesn't involve me

listening to a minute
answerphone message.

Are you saying its easier to do
that than to press play?

It's not easier, it's less
time-consuming.

Charlotte, I write down some
of my favourite quotes

as the series rattle on,
and that's going in the quote book.

"I guess the problem is that time
only has two hands."

Yes. It doesn't make any more
sense the more you think about it.

It's wrong. Well, cos, yeah,
famously clocks have three hands,

there's the minutes
and the hours and the seconds. Oh.

Yes, they do.
They do, of course.

They do have three hands.

The task wasn't necessarily
to make a better system

for remembering the months,
it was a system.

But I think it's implied
it should be better than the poem.

But what's good is you
just look at it, you know.

Well, you tell me
a month that I want to know,

and I'll whisk around
and look at it. OK, October.

Here it is. Yeah, easy.

It's pink. ! No, it's got .
The clock is broken.

Yeah, she got muddled up
with the pink and blue in the end,

so the whole thing is wrong.
So the whole thing is wrong,

so you know that that's true.

So now that you know that it's wrong
what would you answer?

I can reverse engineer my answer.
Let's try it! June. Um...

You're stitching me up, Alex.
.

So... Another !

Another part dies,
but I shall resurrect her!

LIGHTNING CRASHES

She will be reborn!

Hello and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Alex, remind the insolents what
the task was before the break.

They're so insolent - but also
some of them are really cool.

Before the break these guys were
all trying to create a new

way to remember how
many days each month has.

You want to see the last two guys?
Yes, please.

OK. It's our very own Calendar
Girls, it's Lee and Mike.

Mm.

Don't have a bath
if you're feeling dirty

if the month only contains
days that are .

I'm talking of September,
April... No, I'm not.

I'm talking of September,
April and June,

and November's not good
if you're a sweaty baboon.

Now, I can't read my own writing.
Hang on.

Don't wash in February
because that's or .

Use a flannel instead to
remove all the brine.

All the...?
Brine. I couldn't think of a word!

Brine is sort of, like...

I don't know what brine is
but it's just, it's...

Grime! Grime!

OK.

November's not good
if you're a sweaty baboon

but don't wash in February
because that's out of , use

a flannel instead to
remove all the grime.

All the rest are OK, cos they've
got , have a bath if you like

and treat yourself to a scone.

WHISTLE BLOWS
That's you're minutes up, Mike.

Er, I've got a pneumonic
for the Taskmaster.

LAUGHTER

Can I just see this in action?
Hi, Mike. Hi.

Oh, how many days does October have?
October?

O - Orangutans - .

dead orang... You're not going
to forget dead orangutans.

It's an horrific sight,
they're endangered.

I was born in September.

Samurai - days - er, cos of the
Samurai that nobbled...

..April.
Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

It does work but it relies on me
remembering all of that madness.

Quite heavy-duty.
It wasn't explicit,

but it was implied it should be
better than the original thing.

It should be memorable. It should
be memorable. Yeah, fair play.

Lee, the only thing I remember
about that poem is that we

all need to get brine off us,
like we're giant tuna fish.

The word grime was always there and
I went with brine for some reason.

The poem started with,
"Now, listen here, you...

That's always a good start to
a poem. Listen here, you!

That's like a northern
version of once upon a time.

I'm ready to pass judgment on this.
I can't wait. Right.

Lee, one point. Oh, that's harsh.
I will remember...

..that October's
the month of monkey m*ssacre,

and for that, he can have two
points.

Charlotte's system gets three points
because it sort of works

if I'm prepared...

..if I'm prepared to reverse
your logic, I'll get there.

Which means incredibly
I'm going to give Jamali's

rubbish...his rubbish voicemail
second place with four points

and Sarah takes a sweet
jamjod snedge, five points.

Well done, Sarah Kendall.
This one's for jamjod.

What's next, little Alex Horne?
Well, we're all going on a holiday.

Hello, Lee. Ah...

Does it look like I'm in Top g*n?
Not really. Oh.

Hi, Jamali.
How are you doing? I'm good.

If you want to go
around there to the luggage trolley,

that would be great. How are you?
I'm good, thank you, how are you?

Yeah, all right, yeah.

"Get all of your luggage
through security."

"You must stay inside the maze

"until your luggage has been
through the X-ray machine."

"You may go under one rope
and release one rope."

"You may also disconnect one pole
completely but you must then

"pick up that pole and carry
it for the rest of the task."

"If any of your luggage touches
any of the barriers,

"the maze will restart
and you must start again."

"Fastest wins,
your time starts now."

I'm not going to say
the last sentence yet,

because I'm older than
the other contestants,

and I don't retain the information
like the others. Quite a lot older.

I've already forgotten the
first four sentences. Mm-hm.

I would sum this task up as being
irritatingly complicated.

So complicated. In a good way?

No, no, in a way that makes me
want to k*ll you. Let's go.

OK, well, the simple task is to...
It wasn't simple, was it, Alex?

But carry on. ..get all your
luggage through security.

It's time to check out Mike
and Charlotte checking in.

Right, OK, thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just going
to have a quick look and see...

It's a fiddly old thing, isn't it?
Where have I got to go? There.

Passport and boarding pass.

The temptation was to just
sort of lazum over the...

But I mean, I don't...
My aim isn't that impressive.

All right, OK.

The old fiddly trolley.

Don't forget.

You've released one rope.
I have released one rope.

Release that one.

Didn't strike the barrier,
but it very nearly did.

It very nearly did, didn't it?

Oh.

OK.

Just to be on the safe side,
a good hands-free technique.

That doesn't count, does it,
because it's not...

It's all up to you,
do you think it counts?

Oh, if it's up to me,
it didn't touch anything. Oh, OK.

OK, got it. OK.

Oh, OK.

Yep. OK.

Hello there. Hello.

Please can I see your
boarding pass and passport?

I mean, I've got... I've got that.

Oh, hang on.

I can see what
looks like a passport.

LAUGHTER OK!

OK. Thank you, that's fine.

It's lucky these are all empty.
They're all empty, are they? Yep.

Over the ropes.

Slightly unsettling. Thank you.

Do you want me to stop the clock?
Yep. I've stopped it. All right.

Time off.

I think we're through.
Have a nice trip. Thank you, Alex.

I'll go this way.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, Charlotte looked fresh-faced
and positive, whereas Mike looked,

as I imagine he looks when he takes
his actual family through passport

control, like he could flip out
at any minute, and leave them all.

Mike was the only one who
then took all the luggage away,

everyone else thought, "The task
is over, I'll leave the luggage."

But he thought he was
off on holiday at that point.

I think I'm just too heavily
conditioned by institutions,

rules, and once I set off on
a path, I just have to keep going.

Where did you take them?

I think when I hit fresh air, then
I sort of came to. What, you...?

I think someone gave me
a sugary tea and I calmed down.

As an older person,

I actually found Charlotte's
positivity quite annoying.

I knew you'd say that.

Almost too positive, though,
because Charlotte, as you saw,

one of her bags did strike
one of the barriers. It did.

And she decided not to start
again at that point. Ah.

So, what are you saying,
that Charlotte absolutely f*cked it?

I wouldn't have used those words,

I would have said
completely f*cked it.

Give me some times.

Well, she did take six minutes ,
so she would have been quick,

but she failed.
Such a shame. Such a shame.

Mike, eight minutes .
OK, everyone, break time now.

So, intoxicate yourselves
on some adverts for a while,

and then return to the
climax of the show.

Someone's going to win
a bucket of ice!

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone
and welcome inside the fourth

and final part of the show.

Yeah, I reckon its going to be a
sick final part of the show.

Before the break, the competitors
were trying to make their way around

an airport check-in maze.

The next people we're going to see
hanging around in a hanger

are Lee, Sarah and Jamali.

Oh, sh*t.

Right, put that there.

Where are you going today?

I'm just going over there.

OK.

OK, so I can disconnect one.

Oh, why did I do that one?
Can I reconnect it?

No.

Oh, I've reached a dead end.

You must go under one rope
and release one.

Oh, so I can go under that?

Go under. I can go under
another one.

Oh.

Oh, it just hit the...
It didn't touch.

That touched.

METALLIC CLANG

Well, it sounded like it hit one.

It did.

Have to start again, don't I?

Yeah, I made it. Oh, hello there.

Um, can I see your passport
and boarding pass, please?

LAUGHING: I don't have a passport
and boarding pass.

You're entering from a
different point. Yes. OK.

You have released one rope.

Right.

Oh, its heavy, isn't it?

Yes.

Do you know, if you scan them
through while I'm looking for it

cos it's in one of my bags.
You might as well scan them

cos I'm coming through anyway.
You want me to put that through?

Yes, put it through. I haven't seen
your... Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

So I can take this off here.

Uh-huh.

Oh, hi there. Hi, how are you?
I'm good.

Please can I see your boarding pass
and passport?

Erm...

Hello, there sir.

I can't put your luggage on until I
see your passport and boarding pass.

But that's over there.

I can't go under now, can I?

Hm, I don't think you can.
You can go over.

Oh, I should have done that before.

Can you throw that away
for me, please?

Yes, you can't take that onboard.
Yep, I know.

I feel like you're giving me extra
plane security by the way, but...

Why would I do that? I'm just...

You know, I don't I don't know, you
tell me.

Cos of the glasses?

Yeah, cos of the glasses.

SARAH: I mean, I'm presuming
it's in one of these bags.

Well, they're your bags. Yeah, they
are, and I did pack them myself.

Hm.

OK, do you have any liquids on you?

Oh, yeah. Is that the wrong answer?

Fluids?

Ah, yes, you can't take them on the
plane. No, I'm aware of that.

Feels heavy.

Yes.

Crafty.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Comical, I get it.

Funny bit. Yeah, funny bit.

Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, yeah. Cool.

I can't let you put your last bag
through until I see your passport.

Yeah. I'm just going to have to stop
the machine.

I do need to see your passport.

Was I meant to have picked up
a passport earlier somewhere?

OK.

I've stopped the clock.

You can, uh, get on the plane.

"Get all your luggage through
security." So it's done.

But it's not through security cos I
haven't seen your passport. Oh, OK.

I need to check you are who you say
you are.

But all my luggage is through.
You put it through.

Well, it's not quite through. No...

Please don't.

I think I've done very
well on this task.

Yes. I've stopped the clock.
And we're done.

Yeah, they're through? Yep.

All right, I've stopped
the clock. OK.

Thank you, Jamali. If you
are Jamali.

Have a nice holiday. Yep.

Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

There we go. Yes, lovely.

To me, tonally, it felt like a
mental competence test

for people who've had their
driving licences taken off of them.

Yeah, it did. I think that's fair,
I think that's fair.

I'd summarise it as
Last Of The Summer Wine

meets The Krypton Factor.
LAUGHING

Even The Krypton Factor. Even saying
the word The Krypton Factor...

No-one knows that. I mean, Jamali,
do remember the heady days

of The Krypton Factor?
I genuinely don't know

what you're talking about.
He doesn't know this show.

I mean, what's really awful is
watching just how slow

my mind works. Well, you cleverly
thought "I could enter the maze

"from a different place," but then
you stayed right at the back

of the maze. You could have entered
right by it

if you were doing that tactic.
Yeah, I know.

I have no defence here. I mean, this
was an appalling piece of footage.

But they did find the liquids. So
that's up to you to judge on Mike.

OK. You took no joy in that
game whatsoever?

No, I enjoyed it. Fun.

Did you? He enjoyed the maze bit
more than anyone.

He sort of saw his way through.
He got there very quickly,

but then he had to search through
every bag twice.

I just liked how pathetic Alex was
as security, where he goes,

"I have to see your passport," and
he was like, "I haven't got one,"

and he goes, "Well, go on, then."

On you go. But it didn't say you
couldn't bully your way through.

It didn't say that.

It didn't say you can't juggernaut
your way through security.

You looked absolutely furious to me.
I'd have let you through, as well.

I don't want to set a precedent that
you can bully me and get the points.

No, he can't have the points.

If the passport was part of the
rules, he can't have the points.

Really? Yeah.

I wish I was as brave as you. So, no
points to Jamali

because he didn't present a
passport. There you go.

No points to Mike because he didn't
find the water.

No points to Charlotte cos her bag
touched the barrier. There you go.

So, weirdly, Sarah gets points.
Yeah. That's insane.

And even more insane, Lee gets
points for minutes .

APPLAUSE There you go. That's insanity.

That's insanity, but I'll take it.

Quick look at the scores.
Yes, three people on eight points,

so that's Charlotte, Jamali
and Mike.

The outright leader, though,
is on , and that's Sarah Kendall.

APPLAUSE

OK, everyone, please make your way
to the stage

for the final task of the show.

What's up? No.

OK, then.

That was awful.

That was terrible.

I thought it was pretty fresh.
Me too.

Fresh . Fresh .

I would like Charlotte Richie to
read it out this time.

OK.

"Act out a nursery rhyme for the
taskmaster to guess.

"Each team has three minutes to act
out their nursery rhymes.

"Most nursery rhymes
guessed by the taskmaster wins.

"You must remain silent
and on your spots throughout."

So it's a team task. The team of two
is going first. Yep.

Good luck with the nursery rhymes.
Good luck understanding them, Greg.

Here we go. Oh, God.
Three minutes starts...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Um, Baa Baa Black Sheep.

Correct. OK, next one.

Four, ten... Four, ten...
It is numbers.

Four, twenty.

Four And Twenty Blackbirds.

Correct. Next one.

Oh. Ah.

It's a classic.

Humpty Dumpty?

Correct.

Erm, The Cat... The Owl
And The p*ssy-Cat?

The fiddle?

Sounds like fiddle.

Moon.

Fiddle. Yeah, The Cow Jumped Over
The Moon?

What's it called?

Hey Diddle Diddle. Correct. Yes!

Oh, man!

Fish.

Once I Caught A Fish Alive.

We'll give you it.

They're really good.

Clock And The Cat.

LAUGHING

Hickory Dickory Dock.

Correct.

Blind Anus.
LAUGHING

Not Blind Anus. Three Blind Mice.
Correct.

Teapot. I'm A Little Teapot.

Unlucky there.

Oh, sounds like kettle.

Umbrella. It sounds a lot
like kettle.

Parasol.

They're penalised by my idiocy.

Give me the second word.

Cricket?

Bat?

Golf?

Putt?

Putt! Sorry.

Oh! Polly Put The Kettle On,
you prick! Sorry.

What's the matter with you?!
Absolutely fair comment.

So, well done. I'll warn the second
team now,

I don't know any more
nursery rhymes.

Yeah, I'm not sure I do either.

Please rotate until the team
of three are in the miming position.

I'm hoping that the team of three
now are at a disadvantage

cos now he's got to watch three
people at once.

You're three minutes start...

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Sun?

Moon?

Telescope?

LAUGHING

Please be quiet.

Record?

Sounds like drive.

Sounds like car.

I mean, this is unbelievable.

I mean, it's infuriating, innit?

I feel for you guys
and I want to win.

Erm...

Scar?

And you've said sun and moon.

Sun and... Oh, Sun
And The Moon And The Stars?

Oh, no, but you've got stars now.

Stars...

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!
Correct!

Row Row Row Your Boat.

He's back on it.

Three words. First word.

Ear?

Oh, God! Men!

Listen?

Sounds like.
LAUGHING

Sounds like cut.

Oh, mate, you've got no
chance with that.

Sounds like sever.

Hand. Oh, my God.

Drive. Where are these guys going?

Dig.

I don't...

Two people.

And they're going somewhere.

They're going up the stairs.

Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill?

Correct.

seconds left.

Are you Christ?

London Bridge Is Falling Down?
Correct.

Kangeroo.

Sounds like kangaroo.

Hop.
WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm sorry, folks.

It was Mary Had A Little Lamb.

It's like charades at Christmas with
your very elderly grandad, isn't it?

Come down and we will add
it to the final scores.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

You only managed to guess
four of the team of three.

One every seconds.

Oh, wow.

The team of two, you managed
to guess seven.

First of all, everyone's going to
get points out of this

cos I do think the team of two were
more efficient.

So there has to be a gulf
of sorts. Sure.

OK, so I'm going to give them
five points each,

and I'm going to give the other
team three points each.

Well, well done, Mike and Lee.

Five points.
APPLAUSE

The series scoreboard is hotting up.

Lee and Mike both have ,
Sarah's in the lead with .

In this episode, Charlotte
and Jamali joint last with ,

Sarah is the winner with points.

Yay! No?

Sarah Kendall wins.

Please go and collect your midsize
shocking prizes.

Thank you, everyone.

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that I don't know many
nursery rhymes,

apart from this new classic.

Jammjaod Snadge is Sarah's friend
and Lee is covered in brine,

Alex's friends are all pretend
and Mike likes bamboo time.

Charlotte says time has
just two hands,

she wishes that it would go faster,

and that leaves Jamali all on his
own, he's never heard of Taskmaster.

We'll see you next time,

but for now let's applaud tonight's
winner one more time, Sarah Kendall!

APPLAUSE